Work Text:
--------------
“Name one hero who was happy."
"You can't."
"I can't."
"I know. They never let you be famous and happy.
I'll tell you a secret."
"Tell me."
"I'm going to be the first.
Swear it."
"Why me?"
"Because you're the reason. Swear it."
"I swear it."
"I swear it."
-The Song of Achilles
--------------
That day definitely didn't go as planned. It was supposed to be a simple mission on behalf of our Scout higher-ups given to us the night before, requiring us to meet them by the ruins of Utgard Castle. I thought I knew the path like the back of my hand, but it turned out to not be the case when the fog hit us. The wet suffocating fog blocked out all vision except for a mere five meters around us; Leaving us blind for any titans to come up behind us without any warning. What a perfect ruse; I just wished that layout benefited us in change.
“Oí, Horseface,” Eren called out, “I can’t see a thing, man!”
“Tell me something I don't know, dumbass”, I shouted back
I don't even know if we are heading South-East anymore
“Jean,” came a softer voice from behind me, “Do you know where we are right now?”
I turned my head to face the freckled boy behind me; sighing, I shook my head slightly. I didn’t want to take even the faintest bit of hope from him, but I had no fucking clue where we were.
“Ugghhh,” groaned someone from behind me, “My breakfast was gone two hours ago. I’m starving.”
I didn’t even have time to look behind me before Conny joined Sasha on the carping. These two were constantly snacking, so I wasn't exactly surprised for them to be like this so early on in the expedition.
Continuing in the direction I hoped was South, our horses continued to grow extremely restless from the fog. Armin’s horse, who was the best horse of our squad, had even gone to the lengths of almost bucking him off as it spooked itself from a vole scurrying around the ground below him.
We had been outside the walls long enough to know where we were in the growing territory, but the fog had always proven to be difficult whenever we had the misfortune to travel in it. We must’ve been almost halfway to the ruins; Levi and Hange had wanted us to meet before the clouds surrounded us, which eventually left us with this miserable fog.
“Titan,” Sasha murmured suddenly
Only catching a bit of her whisper, I whipped my head around, about to ask her what the hell she was going on about, only to find myself facing an outstretched arm of a titan. Unable to get out of the way in time, I rolled off my horse, landing right on my gas ejector. I watched as the titan’s hand hit my horse's flank, taking her down immediately.
Shit
“Spread out!” I called out
“Jean!” looking to my right, I saw Marco’s outstretched arm, grabbing it; he hauled me onto his horse behind him
“Thanks,” I huffed; he just nodded in response
Following my order, the team split out into a small attack formation, which probably would've been more effective if we could see further than five meters, but this is the terrain we were given to work with, so we had to deal with it.
“I’ll get his calcaneus,” Armin shouted
“Just call it the heel, smartass.” I hollered back to him
“I’ll take out his nape when he falls,” Mikasa shouted back, paying no attention to my remark
Circling the titan, Armin shot his grapple-hooks into the titan’s heel, followed a mere seconds later by the sound of his blades meeting the flesh on the titan. The loud thud of the titan falling to the ground alerted Mikasa it was her turn; jumping off her horse and sending a small burst of air out of her gear; she flew over the titans head; spinning in the air, she aimed her blades at the nape slicing straight through her target, killing it immediately.
“Another one’s coming!” Sasha shouted to us again
Damn… two in a row. Our luck is especially dry today
This time we heard it before we saw it giving us a bit more of an edge than we had before. But that edge didn’t count up to anything as we learned of our new titan’s size.
“Mikasa, let me transform!” Eren shouted behind us
“Are you that dense? You’ll just summon more titans and it will be Trost all over again.” Mikasa hissed, “Just don’t be reckless.”
“It’s a 14 meter!” Conny screeched
It was a 14 meter all right, but it was also on all fours, snapping its wide jaws in every direction. I found myself gripping a little tighter to Marco’s waist.
“Marco,” I whispered just loud enough for him to hear, “Don’t let me slow you down, okay?”
“If you're implying I leave you to save my skin, I won’t do it, Jean.” he hissed back to me
“I’m just saying-”
“No, we’ll both make it, okay? I’m not dropping you. Just trust me, Jean.”
“Okay, I trust you.”
Leading the titan in her direction, Sasha was trying to keep her distance from the titan; their shadows could be seen as faint outlines in the heavy fog. Conny was in pursuit, trying not to lose sight of either of them.
I turned back to try and spot Eren from where his voice had carried earlier, but I couldn’t see him.
“Marco? Can you see Jeager or Armin?” I questioned, tugging on his shirt gently, “Mikasa was just over-” My voice faltered as I realised she had disappeared as well.
“Erm-,” he whipped his head around him, quickly scanning the visible area around him, “No… I can’t see them either.”
I hollered out their names, expecting Eren’s voice to shout back to me about how I was worried about him and how I would never hear the end of it. But nothing came. I called out for Sasha and Conny next, hoping they were just out of range the last time, but I was once again met with silence.
“Jean-” Marco started nervously
“Yeah?” I responded, turning my head to face him
“I don’t see the titan either….”
He was right, somehow in the midst of us calling out to Eren and the others. Sasha and Conny had led the titan away, their fates? Well, I have no idea.
We’re alone in the thick fog. Surrounded by titan territory, I have no idea where we are, and we’ve been separated from our squad.
“Hey, Jean?”
“Yeah?”
“What time do you suppose it is?”
He turned his gaze towards the sky, trying to pinpoint the sun's location. He soon sighed in defeat as he realised that the fog’s thickness just made the sky glow a pale vapour yellow, making it close to impossible to pinpoint the sun.
“Erm- We left headquarters around 9-ish… It probably took us around 2 hours to get to Trost, and then the ruins maybe 8 hours? But we got lost from the fog and never really made it- So I think west.”
“Leave it to you to remember the times, Freckles.” I said, quite impressed, “Do you want to try it?”
“Try-?”
“Trying to get back to one of the outer cities based on our guestimate location.”
“Oh… what do you want to do?”
“Know of any caves between the Trost to Utgard region?”
“There’s that rocky area we went to when we were trainees… we might be near that.”
After more discussions about our location, we finally deemed it best to search for a cave for the night. We started heading in the direction towards the lightest point in the sky, hoping that maybe we would be able to see any outline of cliffs that might home any caves accessible to us. The hooves’ low sound against the dirt threatened the thought of sleep many times as we travelled. We continued across the grassland; the terrain became more wooden before we came across a forest.
“Marco,” I whispered, still groggy from the ride, “Do you suppose this is the Forest of Giant Trees?”
“It might just be,” he sighed, resting his head back on mine. I felt my cheeks burn just a little bit from the sudden touch.
Jean stop it
The sky was now turning a soft orange, the fog clearing up around us. The sparse trees grew taller and thicker as we continued our trot forwards.
“Hey Jean,” Marco said suddenly, pointing his hand to the right of us, “Is that just the shadows of the clouds, or is that a cliff outline?”
“Yes, It might-“
Our silent trip was cut short by the cry of a titan. A long high pitch howl cut through the dusk sky.
Dammit
“It’s better than nothing, Marco!” I shouted
Driving his horse towards the supposed outline, the sounds of the titans thunderous feet coming behind us became louder and louder.
I can’t fight… and with me behind him- he can’t either
“You have to leave me,” I whispered, not knowing if he heard me or not
“I already told you my answer, dumbass”, he huffed
Looking behind me, I could now see the titans faint silhouette in the fog.
“Jean,” Marco called, “I’m going to distract it and give you as much time as possible, okay? I’m thinking 200 meters to that outline. It might be closer, or it could be farther.”
“Marc-”
“Jean, this is the only way we are both getting out of this.”
“Marco, I swear to god if you die-”
“You can kill me again.” he said, finishing my sentence, “I’ll drive the titan back towards the forest to give you more time.”
“Dammit, Freckles,” I whispered, resting my head gently on his shoulder
“Jean- Jean, I need to tell you something,” he ventures, it like he’s still considering the words as they come out of his mouth like he’s not quite sure if he has a right to say what he’s begun considering
“This had better not be a confession,” I remark; my heart stops as if daggers are posed, ready to be pierced into my heart
Marco takes a deep breath and, in return, lends his head against mine.
“I didn’t think I would end up telling you like this-”
“Well, you’re not,” I snapped, cutting him off, “If you’re going to tell me now, then that just tells me you’re planning on dying and-”
“Jean, listen to me... please.” he pleads in a strained voice, “I need you to hear me say it, at least once. We’ve both been dancing around this for a while. Just let me confirm it.”
“Marco,” I counter, forcing his head to face my own, “You can tell me once we escape this titan, you got that? I’m not about to send you off after saying something you’re going to regret afterwards.”
“I… I won’t regret this.” he paused his voice before coming back with a sterner voice, “Jean, I wont ever regret this.”
“Prove it to me then,” I breathe, “Tell me when we meet up later.”
“Fine,” he whispers, resting his forehead on my own
“Be careful,” I stated, sliding myself off his horse
“I will,” he whispered, squeezing the hand I had left resting on the saddle, “I’ll see you in a bit, Jean.”
He then pulled on the reins and drove his horse towards the titan.
“Please come back safe-” I whispered, my voice cracking on the last word as I ground my teeth together
I turned my head to face the rocky outline taking a step forward, right before my mind was clouded with guilt. Marco could easily be alive if it weren't for me, and after knowing that he isn't the best at attacking titans outside of a group and still letting him go off to face the titan alone. I hated myself for it. Turning back to face where Marco was only moments ago, I was instead met with the cold grey fog, blanketing the glowing orange soil beneath it.
--------------
My feet began walking before I permitted them to; apparently, my body required common sense to lead instead of the heart. I knew I would only slow him down if I caught up to him, but if I never got to see his freckled face again, I would end up losing myself. My body had made its way almost halfway across the clearing when I fully realised what I was doing. I kept walking, glancing all around me, just waiting for a titan to show itself, but it never came. My boots hit rocky pebbles and then rocks. Looking up, I found myself standing at the base of a rocky cliffside.
Your eyesight is legendary, Marco.
I scanned the ground level, hoping that I didn’t have to climb this thing. But my hopes weren’t met; the only reasonable sized cave was about nine meters up to my left. Sighing, I dug my boot into a gap in the rocks, soon traversing myself along the wall.
My hand met its final destination as I hauled my body over the ledge. Collecting myself, I walked further into the cave, finding it to be quite large. I found myself staring at a particular spot in the cave that was levelled out a bit more evenly, ensuring the best sleeping spot in the cave. My limbs longed for me to rest, and I nearly obliged until a gust of wind brought me back to my senses. I started to collect sticks and other rubbish that would burn quickly, creating a small fire. I sat down beside it and started to remove my ODM gear and unbuckle my harness.
Moving independently from my mind, my fingers worked quickly at the harness around my chest, unclipping the buckles, tugging at the leather. There was an urgency in my movements that didn’t seem to belong to me; my lungs felt tight and claustrophobic. The leather clasp snagged halfway out, my breath hitching as my mind almost collapsed on itself. My shaking hands began to tug at the leather hoping for release, but it wouldn’t budge. Managing to draw in a deep and measured breath, an attempt to level my head, I thought myself fine, but the leather strap stayed locked in position as I continued to tug, and I found myself once again fighting against the churning swirl of anxiety in my stomach, sinking and rising, sinking and rising again.
Deep breaths, dammit.
Breathing deep and focusing on the buckle, the blood-splattered metal ignorant of the distress it’s lighting in my chest and the bizarre chaos it’s releasing my mind as I struggle to free myself. I can feel every inch of the material as if it’s been fastened onto me for the first time, as if I haven’t worn this for years, I can't help but feel that I want to rip it, to tear it away so that I don’t have to feel it anymore.
“Get a fucking grip,” I say out loud to myself
My voice sounded foreign to my ears. I don’t usually talk to myself, so hearing sound comes from me when no one else is around, somehow managing to snap me out of the panic I had gotten myself into.
Now numb, my hands tried again at the clasp; following a beautiful click, the harness released its grip on my body. I quickly tossed it away from myself, as if it might burn me if I was to be in contact with it much longer. Turning away, I brought my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. My glazed eyes stared into the fire, barely focused on the low flickering flames. My mind is obviously in other places. I had only been in the cave for maybe 30 minutes, but being alone made it feel like forever. He promised that he’d meet me here, but the haunting thought that his promise wasn’t going to be kept taunted me.
--------------
It was a lot darker now; the sky had gone from a fiery orange to pitch-black an hour ago. The small cave was starting to feel like a prison; even the fire made the vision clearer as it made the illusion of bars from the shadows of hanging stalactites. It must’ve been over two hours since I had left Marco’s side.
Shaking legs brought me towards the cave’s entrance, hoping for some sign of movement within the dark fog. Instead, my face was met with an icy breeze, which the shelter had been protecting me against. Chills screaming down my front tempted me to head back inside, but the thought of Marco being out there made my decision very simple. Sitting down on the edge, I flung my legs out to hang below me and quickly brought my hood over my head.
Waiting and waiting… for anything.
You said you’d meet me, Marco.
Sighing, I cleared my throat and belted out his name into the night sky. Hoping that maybe he’d arrive quicker if he knew I was still out there, or maybe… perhaps he might respond.
Another gust of wind was my response.
Chills roared their way across my body, striking every inch my skin had to offer. My teeth clenched together as I gripped my cloak tighter to my body. The fog seemed to have somewhat cleared as the night rolled in, but it had brought in a freezing front from the wetness of the air.
My eyes continued to scan the ground beyond me, waiting for a snap of a twig or the noise of rocks grating the bottom of a hoof or shoe. I didn’t know what state Marco would return to me, but it didn’t matter as long as he returned to me; that was all I needed.
I tested my body's limits for around an hour more before my fingertips began to become a deeper red than I assumed healthy; making my way back to the slowly dying fire, I threw a few more sticks on it and sat my body beside it, soaking in all the warmth it had to offer. I let my eyes wander around the cave, looking for anything to inspect to keep my mind off of Marco. I looked to the walls and studied the holes, trying to make out a pattern; I managed to make out a poorly shaped ear and half of a foxes face before becoming bored. My sight drifted to the back of the cave, which was barely illuminated by the small fire. I looked down at my shivering boots and noticed several small bugs scurrying around. Later my eyes caught the stalactites on the ceiling; they were most likely just limestone.
Wait-
Snapping off a small piece of the stalactite. I gripped it in my hand and drew a few lines on the ground below me. I beamed at the small stone. Hoping it would allow me to do what I wished.
I brushed away any of the small pebbles or dirt in the space below me, scraping the remaining bugs that were near me. I then stroked the ground with the tip of the limestone chalk; I started to trace a face. My heart skips a beat as I try to remember the curve of his jawline; I’ve stared at it so many times, so why can’t I seem to get it right. It just looked off as I tried and tried again to correct it.
Marco, I wish you were here.
My breathing evened as I could begin to see his face on the stone below me. His eyes were like drawing broken wheels, he hated it when I described it like that, but it fit for some unannounced reason. I sighed, closing my eyes, remembering the colour and how it turned a light hazel in the sunlight. His hair was easier; it fell in a parted fashion down the middle of his face, long enough where he had to push it back multiple times throughout the day, with an undercut he had promised he didn’t get to copy me. I chuckled slightly as I remembered his denial speech. His freckles decorated his entire face and body, a piece of art I spent countless hours perfecting down to the last star—the pattern I treasured, the pattern that I couldn’t remember a day not memorising. I smiled as I remembered the first time he had let me trace his freckles with my finger.
“You stick your tongue out when you concentrate,” a voice said, chuckling
My heart stopped as soon as I heard his voice, his fucking beautiful voice. Staring down at my multiple drawings of Marco, I slowly lifted my head to find the silhouette of him in the doorway.
“Mar-” I somehow managed out of my shaky breaths, “Marco.”
Standing up, my legs barely held me as I walked, causing my knees to quiver and my steps somewhat stable as I walked forwards. Silent tears started flowing down my cheeks as I reached him. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him into a bone-crushing hug; he let out a small gasp, surprised by the sudden movement. Burying my nose into his neck, I engulfed his scent, hoping I never had to let go again. I dug my hands into his scalp, gripping onto his hair tightly, making sure he’s actually here, alive.
He’s here; he’s here, he’s here.
“Marco,” I whispered, my voice cracking on a small sob, “Marco, dammit, it's been hours. I- I thought… I thought I-”
Responding to my shaking body, he held me a little tighter.
“Jean…” he breathed, “Hey, I’m right here.”
I nodded, sniffing back more tears
“Are-” I fumbled my words, “Are you okay?”
He answered by bringing my head away from his neck and pushed me back a few steps giving himself the ability to step into the firelight. I turned my head to face him and found myself staring at several gashes along the right side of his face, one nearly missing his eye, another tracing the bridge of his nose leading down towards his ear. My eyes then traced the rest of his body and found multiple gashes marking the side of his body; his clothes were stained with blood.
“They don’t hurt as much as they did, so I’m fine with them for now,” he muttered
“How did-?” I stammered, “Were you-?”
“Once I lured the titan to the forest, I tried attacking it once I got further in, but it ended up grabbing one of my hooks before it hit the trunk, and I ended up crashing to the ground.” he paused, his eyes glazing over as if he remembered something, he stopped
Cupping my cheek with his hand, he wiped away a few drying tears.
“You are going to look so badass once those scar over,” I said, managing to crack a small smile
He chuckled, “I hope you’re not just saying that.”
“Never,” I muttered, eying the gash on his shoulder, “But I do refuse to lose you to infection, so let me clean you up.”
Kneeling beside my pile of gear I had thrown to the wall hours prior, I grabbed my white button-up and started tearing strips of cloth to wrap around Marco after I’d cleaned his wounds. Turning back to Marco, my cheeks flushed red as I realised what I was about to ask him to do.
Gulping, I shook my head lightly before choosing my words, “Marco, I need you to take off your clothes.”
Smooth as butter Jean, why don’t you just ask him to undress you next
“I need to see your wounds better.”
Nice save dumbass
Unclipping his harness, he threw it to the same pile I had created, then tugging his shirt off with his left hand, I got a better look at what happened to him. Trailing down his neck, a small chunk of skin was missing right below his traps and was white with pus. His chest was marked up with several deep gashes, one of them deep enough for fresh blood to be still trickling out. His shoulder also had a cut running down the side of his tricep to his elbow. I forced myself not to look away. I had him sit beside the fire as I started pouring some of my remaining water onto one of the cloth strips. Then gently, I started washing his face of the dried blood, cleaning up into his hair and around his ear. I stopped once I saw him wince after placing the cloth directly over one of the cuts.
“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly, “I can try to be gentler….”
“No, I'm fine,” he mutters, “Just hit a tender spot, is all.”
“Okay, but say something if that happens again, okay?” I uttered back; he replied, nodding his head
Looking down at the red cloth, I decided to change rags to limit any type of infection on his face that wasn’t present on his chest. I continued to dab gently at his shoulder and down his arm and chest until his skin was clear from the dried blood and dripping pus. Grabbing the pile of my torn shirt, I carefully dressed the gashes on his chest, making sure I folded any of his remaining torn skin into its original position before closing it off. Tying the final knot on his chest, I reached up to his head, intending to dress those wounds as well, before I was stopped by his hand.
“Not on my face,” he stated, shaking his head
Tilting my head curiously to the side, I began to open my mouth to ask why before he stopped me again.
“I don’t want anything around my head…” he began, “not after-”
“Okay… I won’t wrap your face.” I replied, squeezing his hand gently in my own; with my other hand, I placed the remaining cloth and empty water bottle on the ground
“Can we go to sleep now?” Marco breathed
Nodding my head, I stood up, grabbed my cloak and led Marco over to the smooth stone corner.
“You can sleep here.” I said, “It's not much, but it's the only decent spot here. I can sleep against one of the walls.”
“No,” he answered, shaking his head, “There’s enough space here for the both of us.”
“Well-” I started, trying to form words, “I was just offering… in case you weren't comfortable with- with sleeping beside….” I finished awkwardly gesturing towards the ground, my other hand rubbing the back of my neck
“Jean, I’m fine with it,” he answered, looking into my eyes
“Oh- okay…” I said nervously, “Erm, how do you- you want to do this?”
You’re doing an absolute shit job here
“I can take the wall if you want,” he offered
“Okay,” I squeaked
Sitting himself down, he quickly folded his cloak to act as some sort of pillow for us. Then lied down on his left side so he wouldn’t bother his wrapped wounds. The realisation of his sleeping position hit me as I began to lie down. Not knowing whether he would be comfortable facing each other, I turned my body to face the flickering fire before me after awkwardly draping my cloak of the both of us. Multiple minutes passed as the awkward tensions between us grew more assertive. Marco began shifting his body in a possible attempt to get comfier on the hard stone, his hand lightly grazing my back. I arched my back; my breath caught on itself. My heart raced from the sudden contact. I locked my body, trying to be as still as possible.
“Jean,” he muttered, “Do I make you uncomfortable?”
Breathing slowly, I turned to face him, noticing his eyes a little watery. My breath lurched again as I tried to find my words.
“No,” I said gently, “I… I um- sorry I’ve never been this closer to you before.”
Nodding, he spoke again, “Would you hate it if I wanted you to face me?”
“No,” I responded as I shifted my entire body to face his
Smiling, Marco closed his eyes, mumbling a soft goodnight. Studying his face as he drifted off, my sight became blurry from the flow of slow, silent tears. I had done this to him. I left him alone.
My fingers were noticeably hesitant to draw closer to his face and shook with nerves as I finished my desired movement. I lightly traced my fingers’ tips across each curve and dip of his new scars, memorising his new features. Gently tucking in one of his longer strands of hair behind his ear, I looked down at his freckles. My eyes danced across his face as I noticed the change in the pattern from his scars. As Marco leaned his head into my palm, my hand froze, then shuffled his body closer to mine. Our eyes met when I looked up, a fiery hot blush plastered on my face.
“Can I sleep a bit closer to you?” I asked
He raised his arm, signifying an invitation. Now resting on his back with my face pressed in the crook of his arm, I could now feel his breath on my forehead. I placed my free hand carefully on his chest, waiting for any signs of discomfort or pain.
Instead, I was greeted with one of his arms lying across my back, like he was trying to protect me from something only he could see.
“You’re warm,” I mumbled, nuzzling deeper into his chest
I could almost hear his smile.
“Hey, Jean?” Marco questioned. I could feel his heart beating faster than before.
“Yeah?” I answered, lifting my head so I could look at him properly
“Can I tell you now?” he whispered, his lips barely brushing my forehead
“Go for it, Freckles.”
“I like you, Jean,” he said, propping himself into a sitting position, bringing me with him, “I like you a lot.”
I just stared at him in wonder, trying to make sure I heard him right.
“I don’t know when I started liking you; I truly don’t,” he was now talking to his hands
“Marco-”
“You’re my best friend, Jean. You’re my best friend, and I care about you so much, and that won’t change. That’ll never change, there’s just... more to it now, and I don’t want that to ruin our relationship, but if that makes you uncomfortable. If- if you don’t like boys, then I understand-”
“Freckles, can I get a damn word in?”
“Please don’t despise me for this. I still want to be your friend, it’s just I…” he stopped his eyes searching for anything to look at other than me, “I just want something more than this.”
Can this ass not fucking hear me?
Sitting in front of me was the only person who had seen how ugly I could be and didn’t despise me for it, who knew about all my insecurities, my deepest fears, and didn't laugh, who kept my darkest secrets between us without fail. This person, who had torn down my walls without even trying to, had accepted me for who I was while pushing me to be better. He had inspired me, had constantly wanted me to be the best leader I could be, the best person I could be. This person, who had cared about me so fucking much that I couldn't help but feel the same way in return. This person had rescued me, from titans and from myself. This person has saved me many times over. It was him. It would always be him.
Reached up to tuck in the same single strand that I had tucked in earlier, I held his face in my palm—sitting upright, looking him in the eyes. I remembered all of our memories together; sitting by the fireplace after dinner, saluting to our fallen comrades at their respective pyres, sitting on one of our bunks and laughing together, fighting side by side so in sync that we could’ve been the same person, getting Connie and Sasha out of trouble for attempting to sneak extra food after dinner, and then scouting a spot on the roof as I tried to match his freckles to the stars above us.
How can this idiot not know that I like him too?
My fingers run across his neck then cupped his jaw. I traced his cheeks with the tip of my thumb, maybe an inch away from the corner of his mouth. I needed to tell him, but showing him seemed like a better option.
So I pressed my lips to his own.
Marco stiffened in surprise beneath me and almost felt as if he were on the verge of recoiling and moving to push me off of him from reflex. But I continued; I brought my hand up to his hair and carefully began to caress his head with my fingertips, hoping to soothe him. Then Marco’s hands were around my neck, pulling me close, and in the next moment, he kissed me, somehow softer than my initial kiss. His lips were burning, and his cheeks were on fire, and I could feel every breath Marco drew fluttering against my cheek, every ounce of blood pounding through his veins. I ran my hand down the side of Marco’s face, caressing his cheek and trailing down his neck, until coming to rest against his chest, the rhythm of his heart banging against my palm like a drum.
“I like you too,” I murmured against his lips before breaking away
Our lips part with the tiniest sound and the barest distance, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing our foreheads together amidst shuddering exhales and the lingering taste of tenderness.
“You’re a damn idiot,” I breathe, holding his face between my hands as our noses brush together. He runs his fingers into my hair, swirling circles, keeping me close, gazing up at me like I’m worth more than he’s worthy of having.
“You’re- you’re an idiot. And I just-” I can’t stop myself from collapsing onto his lips again, and it becomes a kiss that ricochets through my veins, and through his fingers tugging at my hair, and my hands trying to grab hold of every inch of him that I can find, and tortured breaths that burn and incinerate, and then collapse, and I just hold him, I hold him, I- I have him, and he has me. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, and he does the same into my shoulder; his hands slide up and down my back as he rocks us both, shaking, quivering, trembling, and I let myself be suffocated in a long, tight hug.
I don’t ever want to let go of you again.
I pulled myself away from him slightly so that I could face him better.
His eyes shone with tears.
“Marco?” I asked cautiously, “I’m sorry if that.… I wasn’t thinking, I-”
“Jean, I- it’s not that, okay? It could never be that. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he whispered, his voice cracking multiple times, “I just don’t want to end up like Hannah and Franz. I don’t want to lose you like that.”
“Marco… that was four years ago, we’ve gotten stronger since that day.” I said, trying to soothe his worries, “We were trainees back then, not even in a corp yet. Now look at us, we’ve been in the Scouts since then, and we’ve found our way.”
“But- I can’t promise you forever… Jean,” he replied, his body starting to shake, “I mean, look at me, Jean. I could’ve-”
“But you didn’t,” I said, cutting him off, “We can promise now and-”
“Jean… is now enough for you? Can we do this with that small promise?”
“That’s enough for me. I’m not giving up because of fear of the unknown. I'm not planning on letting you go anytime soon.”
Sighing in relief or contemplation, Marco collapsed onto our makeshift bed. I followed suit soon after, cuddling right next to his side. His hand wrapped around my torso and our legs a jumbled mess under the cloak.
If this is all we can promise to each other… for now its enough for me
--------------
My eyes were barely open, silently cursing the sun for being in the perfect position to blind me from where I was sleeping. I turned my head away from the glaring ball of fire and found my eyes resting upon Marco’s figure. The sun's rays highlighted his face, and I couldn't help but admire how damn good he looked while he slept. His lips displayed a slight smile that I immediately wanted to sketch, to remember this moment, but his arm draped on my waist limited my movements, and I thought it a small crime to wake him.
Without even thinking, I brought my hand up to brush a longer strand of Marco’s hair behind his ear, then gently cupping his cheek. Marco’s eyebrows scrunched together, and he let out a long groan and turned his head into the cloak. I immediately regretted my movement, hesitantly waiting for his response.
“You woke me up, you ass,” Marco said, his voice muffled from the cloak’s fabric
I let out a small snort.
Mumbling incoherent words under his breath, Marco revealed his face once more and snuggled in close to my hand.
I scooched forward, bringing our bodies closer together; Marco gently nudged his face against mine and started placing kisses on my cheeks, then another, and another, and another; I rolled my eyes as I gave into the affection. Leaning forward, I closed the small gap between our foreheads, our lips barely hovering apart.
Marco’s thumb brushed gently against the corner of my lips.
“Is this okay?” Marco whispered
At first, I didn’t respond, my mind still bewildered by everything that had led to this. I nodded against his forehead. He grinned, leaning forward.
The kiss was soft, affectionate, breathtaking, and I firmly concluded that no matter how many times we were to do this, I would never get tired of it. We allowed the kiss to linger, move, deepen a bit. I soon found Marco perched up on an elbow, leaning over me, his kisses so gentle and loving as if they were scared they would never be able to kiss again.
Marco pulled back, smiling so bright he could become the sun. My sleepy eyes were finally open; my lips upturned in a contented smile. Marco beamed, his lazy fingers brushing across my cheekbone, finding their way to my ash-brown hair, combing through the strands.
I brought my hand to the base of Marco’s neck, pulling him down for one last passionate, lingering kiss. “Well, good morning to you, too,” he muttered, amused
“If you can initiate a makeout session, I can finish it,” I chuckled; he smiled, rolling his eyes, then flopped onto his back
We lay like that for several moments before I remembered the state my gear was in; groaning, I pulled myself away from Marco’s warm grip and stumbled my half-asleep legs to the messy pile of gear. Picking up my gas mechanism, I brought it into the sunlight, studying the damage done. The equipment appeared to have a few scrapes and minor dents on the outside, but the rattling internally didn’t give off a good sign.
“Hey Freckles, during any of your late-night internships with Hange and Moblit… did you ever learn how to deal with damaged gear? Or was it just all titan theorys?” I called over to the heap of limbs
Yawning, Marco sat himself up. He had apparently dozed off in the few minutes I had been away from him. He stood up and did this strange stretching pose that looked like a bird mating season gone wrong. I brought a fist to my mouth the hide a slight chuckle. Walking over, he nudged his chin onto my shoulder and reached for the piece of equipment. Taking it into his hands, he worked to examine the part over, then gave it a gentle shake to hear the slight rattle inside.
“You cracked the cylinder plate and jammed the gas release. It would be a really simple fix if we had tools... “ his train of thought relapsed itself into his brain as he continued to think
“It can still be fixed, right?”
“Yeah,” he replied ariely, his voice signalling he was deep in thought
He continued mumbling to himself as he checked over my gear, inspecting every piece of the equipment. I found myself admiring him as he worked. The way his nose scrunched up just a little when he furrowed his eyebrows together. The way he constantly kept running his hand through his hair to get it out of his face, I made a mental note to ask Sasha for a few of the leather strips she uses for her hair when we got back to Trost.
“I can fix it for the time being, but when we get back, we’ll have to hand it over to the professionals.” He stated, gently setting down my gear
“What do you need, Mr Engineer?” I said, standing up
“I’ll get it, Jean,” he said, trying to stand up; I stopped him with a hand on his shoulder
“Yeah I dont think so,” I gestured towards his stained bandages, “You’re not doing anything besides sitting your fine ass by the fire and fixing my gear. I’ll find whatever items you need.”
“Fine- but you’re following my every request, got that?”
“I’m all yours.”
“First order of the operation is that Mr Engineer would like another kiss,” he smirked, emphasising on his new title a little too much for it not to be mocking
Greedy jerk
Obliging, I placed my hand behind his neck; I brought his face up to mine and gently brought out lips together. As I went to pull away, he grabbed my collar and kept me closer for a few moments more.
“Is that all?” I asked when we pulled away
“No, I need some small sticks that are thin but sturdy. Then some small flat stones as well.”
“Your wish is my command,” I said as I began to look around the cave floor for anything of Marco’s description
Starting from the back of the cave, I made my way towards the entrance and only managed to find myself a solid three stones that were remotely flat. I trudged my way over to Marco and handed over my measly findings. He had been watching me scour the cave floor for half an hour, looking like some type of deformed hunchback or squatting ape.
“I’m going to check outside for the sticks and possibly find a stash of flat rocks.” I mumbled, “This cave is stupid.”
I could hear him snorting in laughter, and I scaled down the rocky wall.
I’m going to get you the best damn stones you ever saw, Marco. Just you wait
I jumped down from the wall and immediately found myself a pile of twigs. I didn’t think I would ever be so happy to see sticks, but here we are. I sat down and began to test the sturdiness of each twig. They were all pretty strong, so I just grabbed them all, then continued to eye the ground around me. After another half-hour had gone by, I had managed to find five more stones. Satisfied with my haul, I climbed back up the small cliff wall.
“Here’s what you asked for,” I mumbled; I didn't know that rock hunting would take so much energy
“Did the rocks beat you up?” Marco joked, reaching for my offerings
“Feels like it….” I said, sitting down next to him, “But how are rocks and twigs supposed to fix my gear?”
“Just give me a moment, Jean,” he said, snatching up a sharp rock he had found while I was on the ground.
He took one of the twigs and began sharpening the edge to the point where it looked like a tiny spear.
“You’ve become such a caveman,” I joked; he swatted the back of my head in response, “Seriously! Your understudy job with Hange is innovating your thinking; it’s cool.”
“I don’t know if I should be taking that as a compliment or an insult.”
“A compliment,” he gave me a look, “I promise.”
Marco snorted and clicked open the piece of equipment. Taking his tiny spear, he fumbled his hand around until he was satisfied with the placement. He then broke a small part of a stalactite and placed a little bit of it in the corner of his cheek.
“You’re kinda scaring me with your rock fetish, Marco.”
“Oh shut up,” he muttered, “Do you want your gear fixed or not?”
I gave him the most innocent look I could muster.
“The limestone creates a paste when it comes into contact with a semi acidic substance; it dries quickly, so I thought I could try and glue some of those flat stones in your equipment to support the broken plate,” he explained, untucking the wad of paste from his cheek, “See? It’s sticky!”
I placed my fingers on my temple to hide my smile.
He rubbed the paste between his fingers, spread it carefully onto two smaller stones, and inserted them below the cracked plate. He then took apart the gas release, organised the parts then put it back together again.
“What did that do?”
“Erm- Well, Moblit had this theory that Hange found recently of moving one of the smaller plates to the side of the release if it ever got jammed to help relieve pressure. So, I’m kind of testing it. Do you mind?”
“If it gives us more hope of returning to Trost by tonight, I couldn't be bothered. Do you want me to test it before we go?”
“I think that would be best; I wouldn’t want it to turn out a failure if we run into a titan.”
“You’re brilliant. I hope you know that.” I said, squatting in front of him; I cupped his face in my hands, “and really warm- Marco, are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine,” he mumbled, pulling his head out of my hands
“Stop being stubborn, you ass. Let me check you.”
I reached for his arm and stared him down, letting him know he wasn’t getting out of this. I then grabbed the cloaks we had left in our corner and placed them beside him, ordering him to get some more rest.
“I’m going out to get some type of food and water, okay?”
“Jean,” he protested, “I’m fine, I swear.”
I placed the backside of my hand up to his forehead, “Liar, I’ll only be gone an hour tops, okay? If I take longer, I’ll make it up to you, promise.”
“Please don’t go.” he wasn’t stubborn anymore; he was begging me to stay
I don’t want to leave you either
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Take my gear; yours still is still unpredictable.”
“I will.”
I quickly bucked on my harness and strapped on his gear. I grabbed our empty water canteens, then managed to get Marco lying down, hoping he would get some rest while I was gone.
After scaling down the rocky wall, I finally noticed how clear the skies were today. Bright blue with no clouds in sight, it’s funny how things can change quickly without warning. I began walking towards a group of trees I had spotted 250 meters out, hoping to find some residing morning dew on one of the plants or the best one that collected water. I kept watching for titans as I made my way towards the forest, but luck was on my side, and I managed to make it to the woods without any trouble. It turned out to be dense, so I was bound to find some source of collected water. Trudging my way around the trees and bare bushes, I managed to find a few handfuls of yew berries, they aren’t the best tasting, but they are still better than nothing. I then stumbled into a few bromeliad plants with a decent collection of water; after quickly transferring the liquid into the empty canteens, I caught some lizards out of pure luck and decided it was probably time to head back.
--------------
Strangled cries became clearer and clearer as I reached the base of our cave. It was Marco. His screams made my heart drop, and my breathing thickens as I scrambled up the wall. He was a thrashing mess, his voice cracking each time he called out my name, his face plastered with pure horror and pain.
I quickly dropped down next to him, embracing him as I tried to wake him up.
“I’m here, Marco.” I called “Marco, please. I’m here.”
“Jean,” Marco cried a little softer, his body still shaking
“Marco, I’m okay. It’s okay.” I said while rubbing his back
“Jean?” Marco choked out, disoriented and in a panic as he awoke, his body shaking
“Yeah, it’s me. It’s okay. I’m here.”
I gazed upon the boy who was wrapped up in my arms; he looked so broken. His eyes seemed to think he was looking at a different world. His breath was raspy and continued to catch in his throat, causing him to falter in regaining his composure. Marco pressed into my chest, his face now hidden beneath the folded cloth. His arms squeezed my torso so tight that it hurt, his voice caught, as if he was trying to suppress the sobs that continued to wreck through his whole body. There he cried until he was so tired that he couldn't anymore. I just did what I could, running soothing fingers through Marco’s hair, rubbing slow circles into his back. I kept speaking, words falling from my mouth without much thought, anything that might bring him some reassurance.
Marco let out a shaky breath, “You were gone.”
“I went to go-”
“No,” he said, shaking his head; more tears started flowing
He paused again, gripping my shirt a little tighter.
“I couldn’t,” his voice cracked as he tried to hold in more sobs, “I didn’t save you.”
“What- I’m right here, Marco-”
“Bad dream… it felt so damn real,” he let out a long shaky breath, “I was heading here after we split up. I heard your screams echoing off the walls. I ran here, but I wasn’t quick enough. I could feel every step I took as it jolted my body. I reached this bluff area… a titan was already here. It had you in his hands and crushed its teeth-” another breath, “it crushed half of your body with its teeth, and I just stood there. I didn’t do anything; I just watched as it flung you down to the side of the wall like a child's ragdoll. You were barely alive, gasping for air as I reached your side- the ground was stained with….”
I pulled him closer, “You don’t have to explain it further. I’m here now, okay? My entire body is, I’m alive.” I replied, my voice sounding threatened by the tears built up by Marco’s emotions
“I was too late. I didn’t save you. I was too damn scared to do anything.”
“Marco- it was a dream, okay?”
“Yeah- but, it didn’t feel like it,” he whispered
“I’m sorry,” I dug my head into his shoulder and sat him into my lap, “I’m so sorry.”
Marco nudged his forehead to rest against mine, our noses brushing, and time around them stood still. So many emotions filled the air around us. It was painful. Our lips were so close, just a slight tilt of the chin, and our lips met.
“You don’t have to apologise,” he muttered
It was so gentle, just like our first kiss had been. I felt our noses side-by-side, the air of our breaths mix. We both needed this, this reminder that we were both still here even amongst this mess.
Marco’s hand was grasping onto mine for dear life, almost as if he was terrified that I would pull away at any moment. I squeezed back reassuringly. I wasn’t going anywhere. Marco then pushed forward, just a little bit, bringing his other hand up to cradle my face. I couldn’t help but lean into the touch, my head tilting slightly to the side. With his other arm, he wrapped around my waist, fist-clenching into my shirt, tugging me closer until our chests were against each other, hearts thumping together, finding a solid rhythm. Marco’s lips parted just the tiniest bit, and a tongue pressed gently against my mouth; I gasped, every single one of my thoughts scattered in a single instant. This was all so foreign, so new, so intense that I couldn’t even think properly. Yet, my body seemed to know exactly how to respond. One of my hands found its way to Marco’s head, fingers nestling in soft, long black hair, pulling him closer. At that, Marco gave out a slight hum; I could feel the tiny rumble against my skin; I could feel the spark in his chest that made me feel alive.
And then we were kissing, really kissing. There were tongues and teeth and a fire igniting in my veins, adrenalin running rampage, my lungs burning as our lips moved against each other, with each other, starting to form sighs, and eventually moans, the mutterings of names against each other’s lips, hands growing confident, frantic, wandering, and it was exhilarating. Addicting. With every moment that passed, I wanted or needed more, more, more. But it was too much, for now. But if this were to go on much longer, we wouldn't stop; we probably wouldn't be able to.
Maybe Marco sensed my hesitation, or perhaps he was on the same page as I was. Our urgent movement slowed, our crazed hands moved to slower, delicate tracings, our ragged, shaky breaths slowing against our lips as we slowed the desire for each other's touch.
“Didn’t you say I was sick?” Marco chuckled
“Doesn’t matter.” I mumbled, “If being worried about myself getting sick meant missing that kiss- I don’t give a damn.”
He chuckled as he turned to observe the sky outside, “We should leave soon, shouldn’t we?”
“I suppose we should,” I sighed, “But why say it now? That was a total romance kill.”
“Don’t be too upset, Jean,” I glared at him, “I’ll make sure to make it up to you,” he smirked and stood up to wake over to his gear
“Woah Woah Woah-” I said, scrambling up, “I didn’t travel on my own to get us food for nothing.”
--------------
“Freckles stop being an ass and let me help you,” I grumbled as he continued to insist he didn't need help getting down the cave wall.
“I said I’m fine, Jean. I did it just fine yesterday,” he muttered as he lowered himself to sit down
“You were running on adrenaline, you idiot,” he glared at me, then took a step over the edge
Marco, you stubborn shit-
He began his descent, testing each rock before he decided he could trust it. He was doing well, despite how slow he was going.
He must’ve noticed my restlessness change my watchful pose into a hesitant crouch.
“Jean,” he hissed, looking me in my eyes, “Just let me do this, okay?”
I sighed, looking away, “Just wait for me.”
“I’m not letting you help me.”
“Yeah, sure, you stubborn ass, just let me go down with you.”
“It’s literally only nine meters, Jean.”
“Nine meters that could end up in more injury, Marco,” I called as I grabbed the rock beside his right hand, “I’m only here to catch you if-”
Then as if the earth was trying to be humorous, Marco’s left hand slipped off the rock, forcing most of his body weight on his injured shoulder. He lost his grip entirely, letting out a scream, he began to fall. My vision slowed as I saw him reach out for my hand, his eyes wide with fear. I grasped his fingertips, pulling him closer to me.
“I got you. I’m not letting you go that easily.” I gasped, my heart pounding loudly in my ears
His hand gripped the collar of my shirt as he as well steadied his breathing; my hand, still clutching onto the rocks, was white from the weight. “Hold onto me, alright? I’m going to send the grapples into the wall.”
Marco nodded, bracing himself against my chest, his feet finding holes in the stone. I then clicked my sword handle and released the grapples; I steadied myself before slowly releasing the wire as I repelled myself down the wall, Marco gripping onto me like a baby koala.
Marco’s feet touched the ground first after he released his grip on my shirt.
“Are you okay?” I asked as I jumped down beside him; he nodded, his eyes blank
“Thanks for catching me,” Marco mumbled
“You think I wouldnt?” I smirked, reaching for his hand, “Let’s go home, Marco,”
He nodded and took my hand, already leading the way to Trost.
--------------
Fucking hell-
“Jean!” Marco yelled as the titan’s hand grazed my hair
“Circle back! Whoever it follows the other will get the nape.” I huffed out, my side cramping up from our lack of liquid
He did so, circling back to his right, heading behind the titan.
I glanced back to see where the titan pursued; noticing its sights still set on me, I continued to run. I briefly saw Marco’s cape above the titans head before I turned my sights forward. My heart pounded in my chest as my breathing grew denser as I continued running. The sound of the titans thundering feet hitting the ground as it chased me echoed throughout the night sky; I heard Marco’s gear release its gas as he brought himself towards the titan’s nape. I heard him take his blades out of his sheath, and I braced myself to turn to run to the right to escape the titans collapsing body once I heard his blades hit the nape.
It never came.
I turned my head again to see the titan’s hand grasping onto the iron wires of Marco’s gear, his arms flailing towards the titans face as it raised him over his mouth.
“NO!” I hollered as I sent my grapple hooks sinking into the titans’ jaw before propelling myself towards it
I slashed my blades down on his jaw, managing to make its focus go to me. I went to shift my air turbine to send me backwards, and as I turned back, I was met with the titans arm slamming down on my chest, slamming me to the ground; I lay there gasping for breath as I searched for Marco’s face amongst the titan's form.
“Marco where are you?” I call out, my voice scratching my throat, my lungs screaming from the force I just caused
Moments passed by like years before I finally heard him.
“Jean! Get out of here please!” I heard him plead, “I can’t get away from him, Jean. Please get away from this!”
Even if I wanted to move Freckles, I couldn’t. I think the damn titan broke my leg, and my lungs feel like they’ve been stomped on.
“Not a chance Freckles!” I yell back, just catching a lock of his hair before the titan raised his body above his mouth once more
I won’t stop fighting for you.
I gripped my sword handle tighter as I pulled the gas release flying me towards Marco once again. This time I dodged the titan's arm flailing towards me and reached its nape, slicing through it, snapping one of my blades from my hastiness. I then landed on the collapsing titan’s fist and managed to cut through the fingertips that were holding Marco hostage with my remaining blade. I reached for his hand and pulled him away from the titan's grasp, gripping his body tightly as we fell to the ground below us.
--------------
“Hey, Freckles?” I gasped, choking as warm liquid filled my lungs
“Yeah, undercut?” he coughed
“Of all the people I could’ve died with, I’m glad it's you….”
“Yeah. Same here, Horseface,” he managed to chuckle
My body shook as I tried to laugh with him, “It’s not that offensive when you say it, you know.”
I turned over slightly to look at him, after not receiving a response, seeing if he was still with me. His eyes looked blankly towards the starry sky; his mouth parted slightly. I felt tears sting my eyes as I came to the conclusion that he was gone.
“Hey, Jean?” I could feel my heart skip a beat as I heard his voice once more
“Yeah, Marco?”
“I love you,” he said, managing to make his voice steady, reaching for my hand
I took it with my own, using up so much of my remaining strength to complete such a simple task, squeezing it with as much power I could.
“I love you too…” I wheezed as my mouth began to fill with the dark warm liquid
I felt Marco’s grip loosen in my own, and this time I knew it was real. He was gone, and I wasn’t far behind.
“See you soon,” I whispered to the boy who would never hear it
My gaze moved up to the sky, but all I could see were Marco’s freckles waiting for me to join him.