Chapter Text
“You’ve got murder-face again.”
John doesn’t startle at the sound of her voice. She used to wonder how it was that he always managed to hear her coming. Now, of course, she knows it has nothing to do with superior listening skills. He can sense her aura from fifty feet away.
She follows his glare down to the school courtyard, but it’s impossible to tell from up here just which of the several dozen people there has triggered his wrath.
“What happened?” she asks.
He turns away with an unconvincing shrug. “Nothing.” He takes a bite of his lunch, nonchalant, and her eyes narrow in suspicion. He’s pulled the ‘mouth fall, can’t talk’ trick one too many times to fool her.
“C’mon,” she says, taking a seat next to him. “What’s bothering you?” She unwraps her own sandwich while she waits for him to answer.
“Zeke,” he finally says, the single word practically dripping loathing.
She takes a bite. “Anything in particular, or just his continued existence?”
John’s hands clench and unclench twice before he says, “He’s dating Wenqi. You know, the girl who – “
“I know who Wenqi is,” Sera cuts him off. She lowers her sandwich, suddenly not hungry anymore. Oh yes, she remembers Wenqi far too well. Along with all of the others who were responsible for one of the single worst experiences of her life. She deserves some kind of cosmic reward for not breaking the girl’s face a dozen times over.
It’s not really clear why John is bothered, though. It’s not like Zeke’s too good for Wenqi. Or that John would care if he was.
“Well,” she manages, “I can see how the two of them would suit each other.” She watches John out of the corner of her eye. He’s trying to drop the murder-face, she can tell, but it’s not working. “Seriously, what’s the problem with Zeke dating her? Other than that it makes him happy.”
He’s silent for a long moment. And then, “Why him?” he says, the words bursting out as though against his will.
Her stomach sinks. “You’re jealous??” He doesn’t answer. “I mean, I guess she is kind of pretty,” Sera manages, even though she feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. “Even if she is a horrible - ”
“I’m not jealous of him because of Wenqi,” John cuts her off, disgusted. “I’d rather date a rabid wolf than her.”
She tilts her face to the side, hiding her relief. “Interesting choice, but okay.” She gives him a moment before nudging him. “So why, then?”
John looks as though he regrets every single life decision that led him into this conversation. “Forget it.”
She shakes her head. “Nuh-uh. Too late for that.”
He sighs, letting his head fall back. Gaze wandering to the clouds overhead.
“I just – I wish I could have that. With someone.”
“A relationship.”
He nods.
The idea of it, of John dating some random girl, hits her with a force she would never have expected.
It’s not like there’s any reason it should be anything but natural. She hadn’t thought he was asexual. And he’s certainly old enough to have a girlfriend. So why is the thought of John walking around campus with his hand in some girl’s so shocking?
So unwelcome?
“I know I’m not ready for that,” he says, breaking into her mental tailspin. “I guess that’s what I’m jealous of, in a weird way. I mean for fuck’s sake, even Zeke is emotionally competent enough to date. And I’m still struggling to find a middle ground between never punching anyone, and punching everyone.” He snorts. “I’m barely ready for casual acquaintances, let alone dating.”
She’s not sure where to even start with that. She finally settles for, “Zeke’s not emotionally competent. He just doesn’t care. He’s not even trying to be anything but a disgusting, treacherous, piece of garbage bully.”
A ghost of a smile crosses John’s lips. “But what do you really think about him?”
“I’m serious,” she insists. “He’s not any better than you. You’re better, for doing what you’re doing. For waiting until you’re ready.”
“Right,” he says, not sounding remotely convinced. “I’m an eighteen year old who’s never been kissed in a noble way.”
Judging by the flush on his face, he hadn’t been planning to say that.
And Sera finds herself baffled by her own emotions a second time, because the thought that John has never kissed anyone is oddly satisfying.
What is with her brain today, seriously? She gives herself a mental slap. Focus on what matters here.
“John,” she says firmly. “I’d say you’re worth a million of him, but a million times zero is still zero.”
“This situation is bad enough without bringing math into it.”
“So I’ll say you’re worth a million more,” she continues, stubborn.
“A million more what?”
She kicks him lightly in the foot. “You know what I’m trying to say.”
He manages half a smile. “Yeah. I do. Thanks, Sera.”
The rest of their lunch break – and the first half of the next period – passes in peace. They drift vaguely from one topic to the next before settling in for a game of slappy pigs. It’s been a while since they’ve played this one. Sera’s pleased to find that she can still easily wipe the floor with him.
Too soon, it’s time to pack her things and head to math class. Which she mostly does for John’s sake. She can afford to miss this period, but he sure as hell can’t.
“Listen,” she says, when they’re both standing to go. “About what you said earlier.” She takes a deep breath. “About never having kissed anyone.”
He flushes a dark pink. “Can we not talk about that? Ever? Just forget I said anything.”
“I just wanted to say that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
He snorts. “Sure it isn’t.”
She glared. “I’ve never kissed anyone either, idiot.”
He freezes.
“Shit, Sera, I’m sorry,” he says, but she’s already turning away, arms folded firmly across her chest. “No, really,” he says, reaching for her. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes you did.”
“Fine, I did, but only about myself.”
She turns back, but only so that she can glare at him more effectively. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
She can practically see his brain working overtime, searching desperately for an excuse. “I’m a year older,” he says, the words rushing out in a mix of challenge and relief. “So it’s different.”
She raises an eyebrow. “So I have one year to kiss someone before it gets weird?”
He freezes again, caught in a trap of his own making. Trying to figure out which answer is less likely to piss her off. She feels an odd surge of affection. He’s such an idiot. But he’s her idiot.
She gives a long-suffering sigh. “Fine. So get over here.”
John’s face is a mask of confusion. “Huh? Why?”
“You know I don’t like to leave assignments for the last minute.”
“I thought you didn’t do assignments at all.”
Her hands go to her hips. “Look, you said I have to kiss someone or it will get weird. Now seems like as good a time as any.”
John looks over his shoulder, as though she might be talking about anyone else.
Wow. He really is that clueless, isn’t he?
She gives up on getting him to move, and steps closer. And then closer still. And she’s waiting for him to react, to give her something to work with here, but he just stands there with the same expression she’s seen on his face a million times. Confused, a little impatient, and endlessly loyal. He looks as though he has no idea what’s happening. He looks as though he’d stand there waiting for another year, if she asked him to.
She kisses him.
At first she’s so overwhelmed by information that she can barely tell what she actually feels. She’s too busy noticing that John’s an excellent height for kissing, and that his hair is really soft, and his lips are slightly chapped, and he’s being really quiet, is that a bad thing? Oh crap, that’s a bad thing, isn’t it.
His hands come to her shoulders, and for one terrifying second she thinks he’s about to push her away. But instead he just holds on, hands gripping so tightly that it’s just short of painful. She can feel him trembling through the fabric of her shirt.
And then something shifts, or maybe it’s just that she stops thinking for once, and – oh. That’s - nice, actually. She can see why people like this so much.
She can see how they might never want to stop.
That thought, more than anything else, is what makes her pull away. There’s a disorienting moment where the rest of the world rushes back in, the blue of the sky and the noise from below almost harsh in their intensity.
She takes a deep breath, centers herself. “There,” she says, with a calm she doesn’t come close to feeling. “Now we’ve both been kissed.” She attempts a smile. “Now it won’t be weird.”
That’s a lie. Now her lips are tingling and her stomach is doing backflips and her brain has been reduced to a gibbering mess, unable to think of anything but the fact that
She
Kissed
John
(and she’d like to do it again)
But that’s probably just how these things go. It should pass soon. And then everything will be back to normal.
After all, John’s not ready to date. And it’s not like he’s interested in her that way, anyway. Kissing him was just – a convenient solution to a problem.
Yes. That’s why she did it. Convenience. Definitely the only reason.
“I’ll see you after school?” she says. John doesn’t say anything. Judging by the stunned look on his face, John isn’t planning to say anything anytime soon. “Meet me by the front gate.”
Sera walks away, somehow managing to resist the urge to look over her shoulder.
John stands there for another ten minutes, fingers on his lips, where he swears he can still feel the warmth of her mouth on his.