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Anna woke up with a feeling of dread resting deep in her stomach, making her feel heavy and unable to breathe. It didn’t help that the sudden storm outside of Haven reminded her of gunfire, shooting adrenaline into her system and jolting her awake in a nanosecond. She sat up, cold sweat running down her back, a ringing sound in her ears so loud that she was unable to hear her own thoughts. Her head was swimming and the bedsheets felt like they were trying to suffocate her, so she threw them away in one swift motion. The cold air helped a little where it cooled down her skin, but it still felt like lava was running through her veins. And then she remembered the dream.
The cold, the shaking, the pain. Dragov taking what she was sure was his last breath while laying in her arms. Her own breath being the only thing she could hear in the cold room. No place to run and no way to help except to wait for the team. Her own pain that terrified her so much she had to try really hard not to hyperventilate.
She sighed and buried her face in her hands, resting her elbows on top of her knees as soon as she brought them up against her chest. Her heart was racing, she had to calm down. It was just a dream, for fuck’s sake. She wasn’t going to have a panic attack because of a fucking dream.
She tried to regulate her breathing to somehow slow her heart rate, but the storm still raging outside didn’t help one bit. She sighed and moved quietly, not wanting to wake Theo up as her bare feet touched the ground and another sigh escaped her lips. It was quiet and dark everywhere, so it must have been very late. One glance at the clock confirmed her suspicion as the hands of the clock were slowly approaching four AM.
Theo stirred quietly but didn’t wake up, so at least she didn’t have to feel guilty. She slipped into her pants and a pair of shoes, deciding to take a walk. Exercise was always good for panic attacks, if this is what that was supposed to be. She left the room quietly and closed the door behind herself, deciding to make way towards the cantine. Maybe a cup of tea would help her calm down.
Haven was usually gloomy and boring during the night, with all civilians asleep. Only the personnel was still up and about as patrols kept leaving and coming back no matter the time of day. She noticed a few Division agents talking to Roy Benitez, pointing towards one of the guns laying behind the man on a counter. She smiled to herself. Roy always kept the good stuff for his favorite agents and recently there were more and more of them coming to Haven. She waved at him slowly and he waved back, motioning at her to come to the counter.
„Hey there, kid,” he said with a soft smile as soon as she approached him. „Trouble sleeping?”
„A little,” she answered, trying to smile back but failing miserably. „Busy night?”
„We have two patrols coming back and a few Division agents checking in for upgrades, so I’d say it’s about your average day. Hey,” he looked at her then and she suddenly felt an urge to look away, but it was too late. „You don’t look so good. Are you okay? Maybe you should talk to the medics?”
She almost laughed at that comment. And tell them what? That she couldn’t sleep because she kept reliving what happened to Dragov almost every single night, every single time she closed her eyes? That she dreamed about his body going limp and lifeless under her touch, that she could feel his breathing slow down, that the smell of his blood was sickening and that she was sure they were both going to die in that room because the open fracture on her leg hurt so badly it made her dizzy and she was sure that she lost consciousness at least a few times before the team came to help them? She couldn’t tell them that. Frankly, she didn’t want to. It was impossible to explain to someone who wasn’t there. It was impossible to explain to Theo who loved her so much he would put his own life on the line for her, but there was no way he could understand how she felt. The fact that Dragov somehow managed to survive this didn’t make any of this any easier.
Still, it wasn’t Roy’s fault. The man was just looking out for all of them and frankly, she admired that quality of his.
„It’s just the bad dreams,” she said after a while, leaning against the counter a little. „Nothing the medics can help me with.”
„Yeah, probably,” Roy smiled again, trying to give her at least a little bit of comfort. He knew what happened. Everybody knew. „And how is your leg?”
„Much better now, thanks,” she answered, suddenly painfully aware of the tingling sensation along her tibia. „I feel some pressure in there every now and then, but nothing too serious. At least I can walk on my own now. Trust me, the crutches were no fun.”
„I can imagine,” Benitez turned to the left a little to press a few keys on his keyboard. „But still, I’m glad you got better. As for the dreams though, I have no idea what could help. Maybe Joaquin has a few tricks up his sleeve?”
„Unfortunately not,” Anna finally managed to smile too, although she knew that it must have been a very tired smile. „But I appreciate your concern. I’m probably going to go get some tea.”
„Good idea. Enjoy.”
„Thanks.”
She left for the canteen, not meeting anyone else on her way. She glanced into one of the rooms along the corridor and noticed Joaquin with two medics inside, busy with an Agent with a bleeding cut along his arm. She winced and turned away, speeding her steps a little. She needed tea. Something to make her feel warm. Not more blood and injuries.
The canteen was empty at that time of night, but there were people busy in the kitchen, possibly preparing breakfast. She put the kettle on, took a tea bag out of one of the cupboards and poured hot water over it in one of the ever chipped mugs of Haven. A long sigh escaped her lips as she made her way towards one of the tables, sitting down in the surrounding darkness and taking a small sip of her beverage. It didn’t help. She was still feeling like crap.
She realized that she left her watch in her room so she reached for her phone, opening the communicator app and sending a message to Dragov.
You up? She asked. The man had been back at the Wall Street base for a while now, trying to put their supply chain back together after breaking off all ties with the Black Tusk. He was alive, but he wasn’t fine. She knew he was still in a lot of pain from the chest wound and the loss of blood took a toll on his entire body too. Somehow she felt like he wasn’t really there, like all of this was a dream and like he actually died in that server room. There were times she couldn’t differentiate between her mind playing tricks on her and reality. Especially with the dreams plaguing her almost every night.
I am, he answered after a few seconds. Can’t sleep?
The relief that washed over her at those words was indescribable. He was alive. Really alive.
Bad dreams, she answered fast. He knew everything there was to know about how she was feeling. Frankly, he was probably the only one who understood. At least mostly understood.
I’m fine, cupcake, he wrote back immediately, making tears well up in her eyes. I’m really fine. Go back to sleep.
I know, she replied. I just forget sometimes. And it hurts.
I know, he admitted as well. But I’m fine. And so are you. We’re going to be okay.
She wanted to believe him, she really did. But no matter how many times he said that, she just couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t allow herself to feel it. Almost as if the feeling she was so used to at some point was now hidden behind an invisible wall that she had no idea how to break through. She could see what was on the other side, she could still remember what it was like to feel safe, to feel secure. But she had no idea how to come back to that place.
All she had now was a dull feeling of dread and despair blocking out everything else. No way to get past this, no way to forget. The tea didn’t make her feel any better. It didn’t even warm her up; she was still freezing and the wind howling outside of Haven didn’t make her feel more comfortable at all. So she stood up and decided to go back to bed. Hopefully Theo wasn’t going to wake up.
She loved Theo more than anyone else in her life, she really did. But she had no idea how to explain all this to him. He said he understood, but there was no way he was telling the truth, and she didn’t want to burden him with too many details. He didn’t need this. It was fine if she was tumbling down a dark and lonely hole, but she really didn’t want to drag him along with her. He’s been through enough shit in his life.
Lost in thought, she suddenly felt herself bump against someone walking towards her from the other side of the corridor. She pulled away immediately to apologize, but the words died in her throat as soon as she noticed that it was Theo himself, his hair tousled from sleep, a cautious smile blooming on his lips.
„I thought I was going to find you here,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her forehead. She melted into him, no words necessary. „Considering that you left the bed without me noticing. Another bad dream?”
She nodded, leaning into his touch, tension suddenly escaping her body.
„Yeah,” she said, her words muffled by his T-shirt, „I couldn’t sleep. So I went to get some tea.”
He didn’t say anything, he just brought her closer to his chest and kissed her forehead again, the two of them just standing in the middle of the corridor, arms wrapped around each other in a tight hug. The solid weight of his body pressed tightly against hers made her calmer, her mind no longer racing. He was there, he was always there. And he was fine.
And he was warm.
She found herself chasing that warmth, standing on her toes to bury her face in the crook of his neck.
„Talk to me,” she heard him say after a while, his hand tangled in her hair. „Tell me what’s wrong. I know it’s about your bad dreams and about what happened in the UN building. But I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me for some reason. I mean, I’m not going to force you,” he was whispering into the top of her head now, his breath warm against her skin and it felt so good, so welcoming, „But I really want to be there for you. And you’re not letting me.”
What was she supposed to say? He was right. She wasn’t letting him. But wasn’t it her who was getting angry at him for the exact same thing not so long ago? For not trusting her with his troubles? She should have been better than this. After all, all he wanted to do was to help. All he wanted to do was to love her, no matter what she was going through.
So maybe she should try.
„Okay,” she said after a while, pulling away from him to look him in the eyes. The warm chocolate brown of his irises made her smile; this time for real. „But not here. Let’s go somewhere quiet.”
„You want to get back to your room?”
„Our room. And no. Can we go outside? It’s quiet on the rooftop.”
„Sure. Just let me get our jackets. The storm has passed now, but I’m afraid it’s still pretty cold outside.”
„Yeah, probably… I’ll wait by the door then.”
As soon as they got dressed they ventured out to the rooftop. The storm might have passed, but the wind was still pretty cold. It didn’t matter though; the clear sky looked incredible, no light pollution anywhere in sight, stars blinking at them from far away in space. Anna liked looking at the stars. They reminded her of home, of the way her mother used to teach her about the constellations. They were different here than what she was used to, but she could still name most of them without any problems. Looking at the stars reminded her of the time before all this, when she was still a teenager with a head full of hopes and dreams, full of ideas about her future. She wanted to be an astronaut at some point. Or an astrophysicist. She didn’t mind ending up as an engineer though. The only thing she never anticipated was how all her plans were going to be affected by the Dollar Flu. But then again, nobody did.
She and Theo sat down on a crate close to the door, Theo immediately wrapping his arms around her in a warm hug. She would usually come here to smoke and talk with Dragov, but Theo enjoyed the spot as well. It was quiet, away from everyone else in Haven - as long as one didn’t mind the cold. The wind was much stronger here than anywhere else - not many people would come here precisely because of that fact, which made Anna enjoy the spot even more, despite the cold. She liked being able to escape from everyone and everything from time to time.
„I’m so sorry, Theo,” she said after a while, her body flush against his under an additional blanket she got on the way upstairs. „I’m sorry for not talking to you. I just… don’t know how to talk about this. It’s… a lot.”
He was quiet for a while, his thumb absent-mindedly running circles against Anna’s shoulder. She enjoyed Theo’s company more than anyone else’s and there was no one she felt more comfortable around. The least she could have done was try and explain everything to him.
And hopefully he was going to at least try and understand how it felt.
„You have nothing to apologize for,” he said, nuzzling her cheek with his nose. She smiled. „You’re hurting. I want to help you. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what’s going on in your head. So I need you to tell me.”
She nodded. He was right. She had to explain everything the best she could.
After all, her worries coming between the two of them was the last thing she wanted.
„I… when we were in that server room, me and Dragov,” she started, her voice shaking a little, „I felt him die. He was there, in my arms, I was keeping pressure on his wounds. And I felt his heartbeat slow down, his breathing get more shallow. I was sure that he was dead. I… I sat there for hours, my leg hurting like hell, thinking that I was holding a bloody corpse of my friend. And I… I don’t think I ever got out of that room, Theo.”
He pulled her closer to him, making her sit between his legs with her back pressed against his chest. She could feel his breath somewhere around her ear, his heartbeat strong against her shoulder blade. He was there, he was really there. It should have been so obvious, and yet the realization hit her like a freight train.
„So this is what the nightmares are about?” He asked, kissing the pulse point behind her ear. She melted into his touch again, closing her eyes.
„Yes,” she whispered, turning around a little to be able to look him in the eyes again; she really needed to look at him, to know that he was really there. „It’s always the same. Us in that room. Him dying. My leg hurting like a bitch. No way to escape unless someone else finds us. I… I’ve never felt so helpless in my life, Theo. It was the worst feeling in my entire life. And if I’m helpless, if there’s nothing I can do… how are we going to get through this? What guarantee do I have that… that you’re not going to leave me too?”
She couldn’t believe she actually said it, actually articulated the thing that has been polluting her mind for weeks now. That this situation was not safe for anyone. That Dragov almost died, but it could have easily been Rhodes or Theo. That none of them were safe. That she can’t protect anyone. That there’s no effective way to protect anyone. That they could die during an attack or because of a new Dollar Flu variant. That they can’t be sure of anything when it comes to the next day. That they can’t make any plans, can’t hope for the future to get better.
That there’s no way to keep either of them safe.
„Okay, first of all,” Theo was looking into her eyes now, his gaze indecipherable but warm; that should have been enough for her. „You can’t think like that. You can’t focus on trying to prevent every single disaster coming your way. That’s no way to live your life.”
„I know,” she answered, her breath coming out of her mouth in a soft white cloud. „But that’s the only way I know. I can’t fix anything I don’t know how to be prepared for. And I… I really don’t want to lose you.”
He smiled, nuzzling her nose with his and placing a soft kiss on her lips. How could he make her feel so warm with a single kiss?
„You’re not going to lose me,” he said, looking her right in the eyes; she almost believed him. „I’m not going anywhere. And I understand. What happened to Dragov took something from you. It was awful, what both of you had to go through. And I understand that knowing he is fine doesn’t help. Because in reality, it’s not about him. It’s about the lack of control. About you not being able to help. At least about you feeling like you were unable to help. But the thing is, we control nothing here. We don’t control our lives. We can’t control what happens to us. What we can control, however, is the way we think about this. A very wise person once told me that.”
„Huh. I wonder who that was.”
„Paul Rhodes, sweetheart. And I’m pretty sure you were there when he was saying that.”
„Maybe.”
Theo smiled again, placing another kiss on Anna’s lips.
„What I’m trying to say is,” he continued after a while, the look in his eyes still incredibly warm. „There’s no way to be in control. No matter what you think. The Dollar Flu, Keener and the Black Tusk took that liberty away from us. Hell, they took everything from us,” he scoffed. „But none of them get to touch this.” He gestured between him and Anna, sending her another sweet smile. „They don’t get to take this. This, us, is ours. And how we think about this is what we can control. So I think we should focus on that.”
She couldn’t help but smile back at him. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was about control all along. She had no influence on what happens in this world now, on what happens to the people, but she did have control over what she does now. The tiny things she does everyday. So maybe instead of focusing on the bigger picture the way she always did, she should start with the simple things.
Things like Theo’s lips pressing against hers and literally taking her breath away.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and quickly straddled his hips on the crate, pressing into him hard, not letting go of his lips for a second. She kept licking into his mouth, desperate to keep them connected. She didn’t want to let him go.
Ever.
„Theo,” she whispered into his mouth between kisses, when they had to part for air for at least a moment. „Since when are you… such an optimist?”
„Ever since I started hanging out with you,” he bickered back, eliciting a short laugh from her throat. „But seriously. I know what I say isn’t going to magically make all your worries disappear. It’s not going to make you forget about what happened. But I’m here. And I’m going to make sure you feel this every single day. We still have a future here. A future I want to share with you. So please tell me how you feel. Always.”
She smiled again and pressed her forehead against his, securing the blanket around them tightly due to the cold wind. Theo’s warmth was addictive in the best possible way and she didn’t want to lose any of it. She suddenly cursed herself for doubting him even for a second. So what if he didn’t understand exactly what she was going through? Just like she was always there for him, he was going to be there for her, no matter what she might need.
And right now, she just needed him to be close to her, to be held tightly against his body, and honestly, in that moment nothing else mattered. So when they finally left the rooftop and came back to their room, they made sure to close the door before they slid under the covers, hands roaming over each other’s bodies in delicate caresses, touches very gentle yet hot against each other’s skin as soon as they discarded their clothes somewhere on the floor.
Theo was always gentle and sweet, the way he made love to her made her forget all of her worries, all of the things that usually occupied her mind when she wasn’t with him. It was so easy to get lost in him, in his eyes, in the way he moved against her and in the way his breath hitched whenever she touched him just the way he liked. It was always about caring for each other when they were together and it wasn’t any different in bed. Their focus was always on each other and honestly, Anna never thought it could feel like that - being so close it felt like they were one mind and body, like they belonged to each other fully. She wouldn’t have traded that feeling for anything else in the world.
„I love you so fucking much,” he whispered into her mouth as they were moving against each other, Anna desperate to feel all of him as he kept driving into her core, their bodies flush against one another’s, all worries forgotten a long time ago.
„I love you too, baby,” she moaned against his lips after a particularly sweet thrust, unable to tear her eyes away from his. Her right hand was resting on his face and the left was held above her head, Theo’s fingers tightly intertwined with hers.
Fuck, he was right. If anyone could be able to help her, it had to be him.
They laid together afterwards, pressed tightly against one another, exchanging lazy kisses and delicate smiles. He was right, there was no way for her to control the future, no way for her to control anything. But she had this, they had this. And it was one thing she could be sure of, one thing that wasn’t going to change no matter what life throws at them.
He was here and he was warm. And she was here with him, not in that cold server room holding Dragov’s dying body, not scared for her life and for her leg, not losing consciousness over and over again because of the pain. She was here and Theo loved her, he held her close, arms wrapped around her shoulders, his lips pressing lightly against her hair. He was here and he was not letting her go.
How grateful she was for this, she could control.
And nothing else mattered.