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i cried more leaving you than leaving god

Chapter 24: look at all the love that i've found (epilogue)

Notes:

title is from 'zhivago' by paper route

Chapter Text

 

Dear Ainosuke,

Admittedly, it’s been a significant amount of time since I’ve thought about you. It took me an awfully long time but I believe I may finally be free. I never built up the courage to write to you no matter how much I may have wanted to. I was scared of what a potential reply from you could do to me. I was scared that maybe you resented me for not being able to stop this. But I’m not scared of you anymore. I don’t mean any of this with disrespect. You were my best friend and I treasured you. I could never erase the warm feelings you left with me. But I also can’t erase the damage you did. Truthfully, I should have never excused you for that. That was my mistake. But, I cannot change the past. I can only inform you of my future.

Recently, I bought a house. And I didn’t buy it alone. I’m in a relationship with two men. You know them. And they’ve been awfully good to me. I finally feel safe and happy. I finally know what love is supposed to feel like. And the realisation that I have what you never did and what you could never give me saddened me. I know exactly what it’s like to be alone. And I know exactly what it’s like to have no one in your corner anymore. The difference between us is that I chose to be a good person and so good people flocked to me. Not only have I found love but I have friends. I take care of people — I’m taken care of — I have a life. I finally have a life that doesn’t revolve around a single person. Not only do I have time for so many people in my life now but I have time for myself. I’m learning to love myself, Ainosuke. Isn’t that wonderful? I can finally assign myself value. After all this time of being degraded and talked down to and taken advantage of, I can finally look in the mirror and see a human being. I’m not sure if you’d see me as a human being yet. But I can. And that’s more important. What do you see when you look in the mirror, Ainosuke? Do you see a person? A monster? The little boy who didn’t deserve any of this? Whatever you see, I hope you can grow to love it. Even if I may always see you one way… I hope you don’t see yourself the way I do. 

I’m not sure if it’s too late for you. I don’t want to say that it is because that feels awfully pessimistic. But I don’t think I could ever forgive you. I don’t think I want to. I’m not sure if this would upset you to hear. But I don’t think you ever forgave me. And I don’t think I could forgive you if you’re still angered by a teenager who didn’t know any better. It’s not that I want to deprive you of happiness. And it’s not that I want you to eternally suffer. I truly wish you happiness and a bright future. I just know that that happiness and that future should be kept far far far away from me. I wish you the best but it would make me sick to my stomach to hear that you’re doing well without me. And I know my guilt would eat me alive to hear you’re doing poorly. So, please do well. But never think about me again. I shall be doing the same. You’ll never be gone from me completely. But that doesn’t matter now that I have a happy life. I’ve got people who love me. I’ve got a job I love. I am learning to love myself. Things are really looking up for me. It’s unfair that it took so long for me to take back my power but now that I have it, I’m never letting go of it again. It feels so good, Ainosuke. It feels so good to feel okay. I always thought that I’d be nothing without you but I realised that you just overshadowed every single part of me making me look so much smaller than I really was. I have an identity and it extends far beyond you. And I’m happy with it. 

Ainosuke. I do not wish to know how you are. And so, I ask that you don’t reply back to this detailing such things. Once again, I wish you well and I hope you can find something that makes you half as happy as I am. I always believed there was good still left in you. Prove to me that I wasn’t stupid for believing that. Please. You owe it to me. And to yourself. If you get a second chance, do not waste it. But remember that second chance does not pertain to me nor any of the others you have hurt. Start fresh. And start again. It will be difficult but it’s so worth it. I would never go as far as to thank you but I appreciate how special you made me feel as a child. I will never forget our smiles. But after we lost them, it took me so many years to retrieve mine. I hope you can eventually retrieve yours too.

Sincerely, Tadashi. 


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Dear Tadashi,

Good for you.

Sincerely, Ainosuke