Chapter Text
Regrets of the Past - part 2
It had been a full two weeks later when Lillian found herself outside of LuthorCorp L-Corp. Countless times had she reached for her phone. Countless times had she gone to ring her, to even text her, but she never did. She chickened out. How could she go in there and tell her that, yes, Lillian was in fact her blood mother and that all the abuse she had gone through was because Lillian had an ego problem. Because she couldn't handle the fact that her husband desired to lay in bed elsewhere. All because he had an problem. Lillian stared at the massive letters on the building, she took a deep breath, and then walked in with her head held high.
Lena had been having a good day. A really good day. She woke up on the couch of Kara Danvers, to the smell of Kara Danvers's cooking (well, that wasn't a pleasant sight but the fact she tried made it all better and they ordered some breakfast) and some lunch by Kara with a nice note. Today she had even been down into the lab for longer than two hours! It was now just past 6 at night Lena was looking forward to the game night that was going ensure tonight with Kara and her friends-- it was Lena's 5th time attending and so far it had been, well, all fun and games. Lena never thought that she would find this, family in friends. She never thought she would find friends. Lena spent so long shielding herself from the heartache of close connections due to the trauma of her abusive family that she never imaged the day she would let her guard down enough to find a close friend never mind friends as in plural.
Lena had got up, putting some rubbish in her bin when her doors burst open and she heard the clacking of heels along with a string of apologies leaving the mouth of her secretary, Jess. It was too normal for her not to assume and he face lit up when she gathered that her best friend decide to pop in to see her, to see if she was still coming to game night no less because after all this time, she is still scared that Lena will back out. While yes, she has wanted to back out every time, this was due to her anxieties and trust issues, not because she didn't enjoy her time because she did. "I assume you are thinking of someone else that isn't me behind that smile," and the smile immediately left her face. That... grinding voice wasn't from the sweet Kara Danvers, but from the cruel and vindictive woman she has the pleasure of calling mother.
"Finally-- we agree mother. I thought you were someone else," Lena commented, sending a pointed look at Jess.
"I am so sorry Lena!" Jess said hurriedly, smoothening down her hair. "Miss Danvers is fast, but Miss Luthor is... scary," she said the last word silently as she eyed the elder woman. Lena was sure that she imagined it but she swore she saw a sliver of regret flutter across her mothers face.
Lena sighed and walked a little closer to them, "It's okay, Jess. Leave us," her voice turned a little cold near the end as she turned to face the bane of her childhood. "Mother. To what do I owe this displeasure?" Lena asked, making her way back to her desk so she can sit down. Lena watched out of the corner of her eye as Lillian hesitated before taking a seat at the other end if the desk. Now Lena was curious; this wasn't like her mother at all. Her mother who was so full of confidence. "What's wrong mom?" she asked with an exasperated sigh.
Lillian reached into her bag and this put Lena on edge; someone reaching into their purse in front of her has never been a good thing for a Luthor. "Relax, child. I won't be pulling out a gun," Lillian rolled her eyes and instead pulled out a book. Lena looked at it. It was fully black and looked old and withered.
"What's this?" Lena asked, getting the book from Lillian's offered hand. Lena glanced up at Lillian as the elder one stood to pace slightly. "Mother... this was fathers journal," she would recognise that handwriting anywhere.
"Months before that entry was made, me... Lionel and Lex were ready to have an addition to the family. Charlotte Marie Luthor," Lena frowned, where was her mother going with this? Given by the lack of sister, Lena assumed that this pregnancy didn't last or she was given up for adoption. "We were so happy, Lena. We were going to have a daughter. Lionel couldn't wait and Lex... well, he was over the moon as he was going to be a big brother to a sister he could mentor in her later years," Lena scoffed. Lex was happy about having a sister because that would mean he would have a little puppy that would follow him around all the time and boost his ego.
Yet, Lena saw the emotion and the conflict dancing in her mother’s usual stony eyes and this intrigued her; why was this topic so emotional for her and why come to Lena of all people about.
"Mother," she started, momentarily placing the book down and standing slightly. "What happened to… to Charlotte?" the name felt foreign and yet familiar on her lips and for a second, Lena felt her world shrinking as it collapsed on her.
Lillian glanced at Lena, "The doctors told me that it was a still-birth," she said after moments of contemplation. Lena felt like all the oxygen had been kicked from her body and she staggered to her chair.
Somewhere deep down, Lena knew that couldn’t be true
"She didn’t die. Did she mother?" Lena asked softly, like any louder would break them both. Like she was airing Earth’s biggest lie. "Charlotte is alive," Lillian nodded mournfully, falling to the floor in anguish. Lena raced over. Why. Why must she, whenever Lena was getting right on track to forgetting about her, about cutting all ties to her, about feeling absolutely nothing for the woman, not hate not love, did something have to happen that made her rethink it all? Why must God constantly laugh in her face and present her another problem yet another reason for the real Woman of Steel to worm back into her life with another lie concocted to tear her down again.
But this wasn’t a lie. No. It couldn’t be; her mother was a good liar and a great bluffer but this was raw emotion.
"I am so sorry my child," Lillian sobbed out, raising a hand to Lena’s face. Out of pure instinct, the CEO flinched away which caused more soul crushing sobs to escape Lillian’s deceitful mouth. Lena tentatively reached and held Lillian’s aging hand. A hand that caused her less damage than the lips that spoke these world altering words.
"My Charlie,"
Lena looked at her mother sleeping form. The waterworks had started as soon as she realised her... mother was asleep in her arms, nonetheless. If she ever found put then Lillian would kill her, however she did call Jess in to help her lay down on the sofa and to fetch a blanket for her. Now, the CEO was sat at her desk with silent tears running down her cheeks. A stony mask in place, a huge contrast to how she feels inside. Her inner turmoil; Lena really is a Luthor. If she goes by her mothers water word that is. She hadn't spared that black book a single thought ever since she collapsed in her chair and dismissed Jess. The young woman knew she wanted someone, anyone (definitely not a blonde journalist) to be a rock. Her heart was beating like crazy as her piercing eyes bored holes in the black journal. Only one way to make sure that her mother wasn't spewing another one of her lies.
So she opened it.
The first few pages were nothing she didn't expect from her father. She read through September before finally landing on October, due to the conversation she (well, that wasn't exactly a conversation) had with her mother just moments prior, it didn't go unnoticed how this was dated a year before her birthyear. "Miss Luthor! You need a lock on your door!" came the frazzled voice of one very tired secretary. Lena let out a small chuckle; a presence filled the air that she had come to, despite everything, trust. "This time it is Miss Danvers,"
"Thank you Jess-- maybe I will employ Supergirl to guard my office. I don't think my mother will be scaring you or that lovely Kara can pull a fast one on her," Kara turned red and skipped over the fact that Jess was talking about Lillian Luthor while she basked in the embarrassment.
Jess laughed hollowly, "Just be thankful your mother doesn't want you dead and that, and that no offense, Miss Danvers has the soul of a golden retriever," and just when Lena thought Kara couldn't get any redder. Jess then took her leave and Kara nodded her head to the sleeping woman.
"Is she dead?" Lena laughed and wiped her eyes, "Lena! You're-you're crying! Why are you crying? Was it her? Do I need to unleash the Danvers fury?" at Lena's look Kara shrugged, "I never specified what Danvers," and looked at Lena with a sly smirk. Lena chuckled again and softly shook her head. Kara walked around to her and leaned against her desk. "Lena— talk to me,"
She cast a look at the black notebook. "Mother gave me another book for my birthday," she said, words dripping with sarcasm. "This is my father’s very private journal— not even Lex was allowed to read it,"
"Ooo juicy," Kara commented with glee in her eyes. Lena smiled at the reporter’s curiosity in her young eyes.
Lena shook her head and got up from her chair, "I can’t Kara; this makes what she said true. I can’t ever trust her word, not right now at least and never for a hundred years no matter how pure an emotion she shows me. But… if this book really is the truth of my childhood then it makes it all… real," Kara nodded along to her and lucked the book up.
"I can read it to you? Maybe soften the blow," Lena felt all the weight sag from her shoulder’s. Her heart slow.
"Yeah?" Lena asked, all choked up. "I would like that. I am so glad you came to visit me Kara," Kara smiled at her and grappled her hand, taking the plunge and kissing it briefly.
"I will always be there when you need me, Lena. Always," she promised, looking Lena right in the eyes. Kara lead them behind Lena’s desk, pulling a chair with her, and they sat down. "Where am I starting?" unknowingly to Lena, Kara used her super speed to skim through the pages before she found something useful. "Uh- October 26th. 1993. Dear Diary, I can’t believe what I’ve done,"
Lena didn’t break down until the last line.
I won’t feel all that horrified by it because I don’t have a bond with the child yet.