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Jin Ling arrived at the entrance of Cloud Recesses alongside his Uncle. After the events at the Guanyin Temple, it was decided, instead of taking on the responsibilities of a sect leader right away, he should learn under the Lan Sect, staying away from the political mess he inherited. Although the young heir himself was eager to prove himself in the position, he still wouldn’t dare to go against his Uncle’s orders. And it was maybe for the better, if he stayed away from Koi Tower for a while, because every corner there reminded him of his late uncle.

Jin Guangyao might be the number one enemy of the cultivation world, but in Jin Ling’s memories he stayed the kind and understanding man, who raised him.

His eyes took in the sight of the pristine mountain sect, and a strange kind of fear took over his mind. Then a biting voice dragged him out of his awe.

“Do you need me to walk you in like an overbearing mother?” Before everything, Jin Ling wouldn’t have hesitated to run inside pridefully on his own after hearing such words. But now he was scared, his only family was soon leaving him behind, and after losing so much, after seeing the consequences of keeping secrets from your loved ones, he wasn’t that rash anymore. And truth to be told, he really wanted his Uncle to walk him in, to stay just a little longer, at least until he can somewhat confidently find his way around in this place.

But feeling this way didn’t make it any easier to form the right words. He can’t just say yes, no matter how bad he wants to. He can’t admit to being scared.

But he was scared.

“Jin Ling.” Jiang Cheng’s tone was somewhat softer, but still very strict. “You are my nephew, act like it.” These words would sound rude to anyone else, but Jin Ling knew the exact meaning behind them. ‘You are my nephew, there’s nothing you are incapable of.’

In the end he never needed to find the perfect words. His Uncle would always understand him from only a glance. And so would he too. Maybe the two of them were too much alike already.

Despite his words, Jiang Cheng ended up walking him all the way to the dormitories.  After making sure no one was around to hear him, he turned to his nephew in a serious manner.

“A-Ling, make sure you use your time here wisely. You’re here to learn, but you’re also here to socialize. Don’t let this place consume you, have some fun too. But don’t ever let Wei Wuxian drag you into something stupid, I will never forgive that. And don’t forget to send a letter sometimes.”

Every once in a while, even Jiang Cheng spoke his mind. This was one of those rare occasions.

“I won’t let you down Uncle.” He couldn’t say more, because if he did, he’d get too emotional, and that was still off the table. He could only trust his Uncle knows how he feels.

“Good. Now I’ll have to go. I trust you’ll be fine.” Of course, Jiang Cheng understood. Of course, he was worried.

“Yes Uncle, I’ll be fine.” He must be fine; he doesn’t have a choice.

Though a bit hesitantly, but Jiang Cheng did leave him. Jin Ling stood around for a little while before entering the dorm. This building was kept for the guest disciplines only, but even amongst them, he felt like an outsider. The ever-lingering feeling of loneliness grew stronger by the minute.

He searched for his own room and found it fairly quickly. When he entered, he welcomed the fact that all his belongings were already there, waiting to be unboxed. Not having much else to do he got right to it.

While unpacking, his mind automatically wandered to his other worries. Up to this point his brain was occupied with the fact that he had to leave the last place he felt at ease at behind, he didn’t have much headspace to think about the two Lan disciples. But finding himself alone in the dorm-room reminded him of them.

There were essentially two reasons why Jin Ling was against coming to Gusu.

One: he wanted to establish himself as a sect leader as soon as possible.

Two: Lan Jingyi.

Just at the thought of his name he felt embarrassed. That tiny chance for him to befriend the Lans, and the other juniors they traveled with, was all lost the moment he realized he liked Lan Jingyi a little too much. He immediately retreated, not wanting to give himself away.

Jingyi was loud, he was annoying, he spoke his mind carelessly. He was nothing like what a top disciple of the prestigious Gusu Lan should be. And Jin Ling was so naturally drawn to him.

This troublesome ray of sunshine made his heart flutter every time he thought of him. What kind of witchcraft is that? When he should be tired of him, he only craved more. He had no explanation why it was Lan Jingyi out of all people. They were polar opposites, one friendly and outgoing, the other entitled and aloof. Jin Ling was way too aware of his own faults when he was thinking about his crush.

A knock on the door disturbed his thoughts. He dropped the calligraphy set on the table mindlessly and walked up to the door. His heart started beating twice as fast, a tiny segment of his mind reminded him, that it could very well be Jingyi standing outside the door. He shoved that thought into the back of his mind and opened the door.

His first instinct would be to shut it immediately. But fortunately, he stopped himself in time.

Three pair of eyes were watching him curiously. Of course, Sizhui took the lead. He politely bowed his head when greeting him.

“Sect Leader Jin, it’s a pleasure to have you finally here. I hope everything is to your liking.” He smiled warmly; Jin Ling was taken aback, this being his first time being addressed by that title.  Objectively that was the right way to address him, since in name he was the leader of Lanling Jin Sect. But still…

“What are you calling him that for? He isn’t better than any of us now!” Jingyi shot him a cocky smile. His heart wavered. “No need for fancy titles between us, right?”

“Lan Jingyi, be more respectful.” He berated his friend, while Zizhen was watching from the sidelines, amused.

“What’s wrong? It’s only the Young Mistress! And we’re all disciples here!” The ease he said that with made Jin Ling feel like he was stabbed in the heart. ‘Only the Young Mistress…’

Sizhui and Zizhen exchanged a strange look. Zizhen then slapped Jingyi on the back of his head.

“Stop being an idiot.” Then he turned to Sizhui, with an innocent expression. “That’s what you meant, right?” Though he didn’t voice it, he seemed rather pleased with Zizhen’s actions.

“You two are doing it again!”

“Doing what exactly?” Zizhen asked naively.

“Bullying me!” Jingyi childishly crossed his arms before his chest. “And stop reading Sizhui’s mind, that’s my thing!”

“We’re trying to help you here, dumbass.” Zizhen murmured barely audible.

Watching them bicker made Jin Ling think it must be nice to have friends. He felt more alienated with every passing second. He felt like an outsider, being allowed to look at them, but not to join them.

Sizhui simply ignored the ongoing quarrel and addressed Jin Ling once again.

“I see you haven’t unpacked yet, did we come at an inconvenient time?” He was conflicted, not because of the unpacking, but in general. One part of him wanted to tell them to go away, so he could suffer peacefully. Another part of him wanted to give it a shot, maybe he can make friends after all. They seemed to like him enough to come here in the first place.

His eyes inadvertently landed on Jingyi again. He wanted to be around him. He was afraid to be around him.

His gaze was suddenly met with another pair of eyes, going wide with…

with anger?  Jingyi's face was flushed red.

“See something you like?” He arched a brow, his voice was sharp, and Jin Ling was panicking already. His confident smile felt more like a threat to him. ‘Is he mad at me? Did I make him angry? Was I staring that much? Oh god, I fucked up!”

He shifted his eyes nervously back at Sizhui, and quickly blurted out something.

“I need to do stuff, immediately!” Then he clumsily slammed the door in their faces.

As soon as it was shut, his knees gave up.

‘He hates me, oh my god, he hates me! He must hate me now. Why am I such a disaster? Of course he’s mad when I stare at him like an idiot! He didn’t like me much to begin with! I’m only the Young Mistress after all. Someone to be tolerated when around, nothing more…’

His thoughts were spiraling out of control, combining things he should never combine, sending him into an unstable mindset.

‘He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me.’

He heard muffled sounds outside. Then another knock came on his door.

He had no intention to answer it.

“Jin Ling?” The voice belonged to Jingyi. “Can you open it?” Jin Ling stayed still. “I’m sorry for teasing you.” He somewhat calmed down hearing that apology. 'Was he really just teasing?' He crawled closer to the door, considering opening it. But then he caught a quiet whisper. “I just couldn’t bear you looking at me that way…” He froze to the spot.

‘He can’t even stand me looking at him. Fuck, he really does hate me, I didn’t think he actually did.’

His mind immediately circled back to his theories. Jin Ling wanted to cry, having unrequited crush on Jingyi was a thing, but being so hated by him broke his heart.

And right now, all the signs pointed in one way. Jingyi hated him.

Another knock.

“Jin Ling?” This time it was Sizhui. “We'll leave you for now, but please don’t shut us out from your life. Okay? We’ll see you tomorrow.”

After a few minutes Jin Ling checked outside, they really did leave. He felt relieved, being alone and miserable was a familiar feeling.

For the rest of the day, he desperately tried to not think about this problem. No matter how many times he thought it over, he always arrived at the same conclusion.

He was madly in love with someone who was aggravatingly out of his reach. On the topic of Jingyi hating him, he decided to test the waters next day, since it looked like he won’t be able to avoid him anyways.

***

His first morning in Gusu was devastating. Getting up with the sun wasn’t really his thing, so waking up was painful enough in and of itself. All he wanted was some peace and quiet. This shouldn’t be so hard to come by in the Cloud Recesses, the place was literally famous for it, but he didn’t even leave the building when Zizhen already sticked to his side. The boy didn’t need a second to start chatting casually, while Jin Ling was silently trying to get over his embarrassment about yesterday’s incident.

At breakfast, the two of them were joined by Sizhui, and of course Jingyi. Jin Ling’s heart skipped a beat when he saw him, so fresh and so lively at 6 a.m. His heart almost stopped, when Jingyi took the seat beside him at the table. Then a bitter voice echoed in his mind. ‘Probably so I won’t be able to stare at him creepily…’

The only thing he was grateful for was the rule that forbade them from talking during meals.

After eating the horribly bland food, Zizhen and him walked to class, the Lans of course had a different education from them, they’ve been studying here since birth, they’re not on the same level.

The lesson was incredibly boring, but he still had to pay attention, because failing wasn’t an option. But his mind was still mercilessly running around the Jingyi-problem. He decided to set his plan into motion right after class. Well, it wasn’t much of a plan, rather an experiment. The gist of it was to find Jingyi and determine whether he hates him or not. Easy enough.

He didn’t need to put much effort into the first part, when they exited the classroom, the two Lans were already waiting outside. Zizhen quickly leaped closely next to Sizhui, clutching his hands around his arm.

“Are we showing him our favorite spot?” Jin Ling thought he leaned way too close to Sizhui, but he didn’t seem to mind it.

“Naturally.” Sizhui’s smile was directed at him, and he felt grateful for being so simply accepted into their group. Now he was even more self-conscious about rudely shutting the door right into their faces.

“Young Mistress Jin!” ‘Oh right, I still have this problem.’ Being addressed as Young Mistress wasn’t the nicest thing, but Jin Ling was willing to give it a pass. “Are you coming?” Sizhui and Zizhen were ahead of them, and Jingyi seemed to be waiting for him. That gave Jin Ling some hope, he quickly caught up to him.

“Looks like I’m stuck with you.” Jingyi was smiling, only to confuse Jin Ling. ‘Can you stop with the mixed signals?’ He gathered up some courage to ask him.

“What do you mean?” Jingyi looked at him like he asked something really stupid.

“Can’t the Young Mistress see?” He pointed at the two before them. “That’s what love looks like!”

‘Is that?’ They were walking close, their arms bound together. Now that it was pointed out to him, it really looked a whole lot like love. A whole lot like what he wanted.

“Ah…” That was all his answer to Jingyi. The boy laughed cheerily.

“Do you have that little experience that you couldn’t even see that?” ‘Alright, now he’s mocking me.’ “Did no one court the Young Mistress? How come? You're so pretty!” He laughed some more, and the sound was beautiful, but bitter to Jin Ling’s ears. ‘If only he wasn’t making fun of me…’

He stayed silent.

“Oh, come on, no answer? Tell me! Have you ever been in love?” He shot him a curios gaze.

Jin Ling blurted out the words without thinking.

“I am in love.” Jingyi came to an abrupt stop. Realizing what he said himself, he did too.

“Wait, really? You like someone?” He seemed taken aback by the fact. ‘Why is he so surprised, is it so impossible for me to love someone?’

“I… yeah…” He gave a quiet answer. Jingyi shifted his eyes from him.

“Lucky girl, I guess.” He didn’t sound genuine at all. ‘Fuck. Somehow I’m fucking this up.’

“Anyways, lets catch up!” Jingyi shot out as if something were chasing him. Jin Ling stood there for a moment, trying to process what went down, with not much success. Then realizing he was about to be left behind he quickly started to move again.

This favorite spot of theirs’ was a hidden pond behind the older facilities. It vaguely reminded Jin Ling of Yunmeng, though it was not even close to the thousands of lakes covered with lotuses, just a tiny pond, clearly artificial. The buildings were out of use, and no one came here anymore, except their group of course. It was a much-needed break from the solemn tone of the rest of Cloud Recesses.

Jingyi was right, the two of them were stuck together, since Zizhen and Sizhui were in their own little world, sitting a few meters away. Jin Ling felt incredibly awkward, especially since he noticed more ominous signs on Jingyi’s part.

For starters, ever since they sat down in the shadow of a tree, he refused to even look at Jin Ling. When he occasionally glanced his way, his face went immediately red. ‘Just how did I anger him this time?’

He had a gloomy aura around him, as if he just received bad news.

They didn’t talk much, Jin Ling sucked at it anyways, and Jingyi wasn’t trying to strike up a conversation either.

Lan Jingyi being quiet, must be a miracle.

Instead of sitting in silence, Jingyi opted for fishing with their swords. Remind you, they were ornamental fishes in a tiny pond. Jin Ling still agreed, because as stupid the idea was it sounded actually fun. And well, anything’s better than sitting so awkwardly in each other’s company.

Seeing what they were up to, the couple rejoined them. Zizhen entered the competition excitedly, Sizhui, being the responsible one, only watched.

Jin Ling noticed how Jingyi suddenly reverted back to his usual cheery self when the other two was around again. He talked to them, he laughed, he seemed happy. Nothing like before.

‘Fuck. He really does hate me.’

***

Living in the same place and having the same friends meant they couldn’t avoid each other. Though it was nothing like on that first day by the pond. Sizhui and Zizhen didn't leave them alone like that again, they usually hung out in a group. It felt like the two of them put a lot of effort into balancing things out. Jin Ling was grateful, he really felt like they wanted him around. Unlike Lan Jingyi.

Ever since that affair on the first day Jin Ling couldn’t help noticing the subtle hints that Jingyi didn’t like him. He noticed every one of them, and he still couldn’t fall out of love.

He mentally noted down everything, hoping it’ll help him forget his feelings.

1, He avoids looking at me as much as he can.

2, When sitting down, he always chooses the furthest spot from me.

3, When others are around, he chooses to talk to them instead of me.

4, When he does talk to me, he teases me about the tinies things.

5, When we accidentally touch, he always jumps back as if he touched poison.

These were the main things that were supposed to discourage him. Other than that, every day he added some minor things, a blunt comment, a weird look he received, anything really. At some point this habit turned into a source of fun, giving him an excuse to watch Jingyi closely. Truly a masochist.

This time around the two of them were sitting in the Library Pavilion, copying rules, four times each. The crime they were so severely punished for was being late for class. It’s Jin Ling’s horrible luck, that they somehow managed to get in trouble separately at the same time.

Jingyi, of course, was sitting at the other end of the table, not looking up from the papers. It’s telling enough that he was more willing to obediently copy rules than to talk to him.

Jin Ling put down his pen and moved his cramped wrist a little. He used his brief break to watch Jingyi as he scribbled down the rules he knew like the back of his hand.

Jingyi noticed and looked up on him, his face already red. ‘He always gets annoyed when he catches me staring. Maybe I should stop with that.’ Jin Ling averted his eyes in a split second, he had a lot of experience in it at this point.

He didn’t expect Jingyi to speak up.

“You always stare.” He turned a shade darker as the words left his mouth. ‘Fuck, I really have to stop with it, he’s angry.’

“Sorry…” He barely could get that word out.

“One would think you’re in love with me or something…” Jin Ling blushed hard, cursing himself. “Luckily, I know your heart is already taken.” He sounded bitter; his eyes glued to the papers in front of him. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, I can never let him find out.’

His emotions were raging, he wanted to leave so badly, but he still had to copy the rules two more times. He turned his attention back to the task.

A sudden question broke the tense silence.

“What is she like?” Jin Ling was dumbfounded. ‘Why does he care? And what should I say? I can’t possibly tell him about himself, that’s ridiculous.’

Jingyi laughed dryly when he didn’t answer.

“Or is she too high and mighty to tell me about her?” ‘What the fuck, why is he attacking my crush now? What did I do to deserve this?’

“It doesn’t matter, he hates me anyways…” He didn’t care outing himself like that anymore. What is one more thing to be teased for, when he’s constantly being called Young Mistress anyways?

“He?” Jingyi looked up with surprise.

“Yes, he, get over it.” Jin Ling couldn’t bear it anymore. He grabbed his stuff, and simply walked out of the Pavilion. He’ll finish his punishment somewhere else.

He heard a voice calling out for him.

“Wait, Jin Ling!” ‘He’s using my name.’ That detail made him stop. ‘He never calls me by my name.’

He turned around and saw Jingyi running in his way.

“Jin Ling, I just… there’s nothing wrong with that. You know that, right?” He looked so honest, it made Jin Ling’s heart bleed.

“I know that.”

“So… what is he like?” The question was uncertain, Jingyi looked fidgety. ‘What is his deal? Why is he asking when he so clearly doesn’t want to hear it? Maybe I’m not the only masochist here…’

He took a deep breath.

“He’s wonderful, he’s cheery, he’s kind, he’s caring, he’s someone you just can’t not love. Even if he tends to get in trouble, he’s never less than perfect. I could never compare, it’s only natural he doesn’t like me.”

“Fuck.” Jingyi did break the rules all the time but hearing him swear was still extremely rare. “You do love him a lot…” Jin Ling’s heart clenched. ‘Yeah, for some fucking reason I do love you a lot.’

Jingyi turned around without another word and hurried back to the Library Pavilion.

***

The next day Jin Ling faced a situation that haven’t happened to him ever since he arrived in Gusu. He was alone. In the morning Zizhen didn’t join him, and he didn’t attend classes either. At meals none of his friends appeared. It made him worry just what happened.

That conversation with Jingyi was constantly playing in his head, and it left him with a weird aftertaste. ‘He hates me, right? Why is he so interested in my crush? Why did he leave like that? Did I say something wrong? No, he’s probably just tired of me. He even pointed out that I stare too much… Fuck this all.’

He was in a terrible mood, wondering where he fucked up yesterday. He had no proof whatsoever, but he had a feeling this was the result of that interaction, he just couldn’t comprehend how.

‘Maybe he really can’t stand me anymore.’ But that didn’t explain the absence of the other two. Even if they wouldn’t hang out with him over Jingyi, they should have met at some point during the day.

Though he was unsure if he should try and find them, he couldn’t help himself. Not knowing where to begin his search, he turned to an unlikely source. Stopping his steps before the Jingshi, he questioned his own sanity. Up to this day, he tried to stay as far from Wei Wuxian as he could.

And now he knocked right on his door.

It opened shortly after, as anticipated, by Wei Wuxian.

“A-Ling!” He nervously looked back over his shoulder, then stepped outside and closed the door. Then a bright smile appeared on his face. “Did you finally come to see your dear Uncle?”

“Don’t even dream of it. I’m looking for…” From the building came muffled sounds of crying.

“Ahahaha, that’s so mean, just like A-Cheng.” He grabbed Jin Ling by his arm and started to drag him away. “Come on, we’ll go down to Caiyi Town, and have some uncle-nephew time!”

Jin Ling shook off his hand and turned back to the Jingshi. The crying sounds were quiet, but they were definitely there, he wasn’t imagining things.

“What’s going on?”

Wei Wuxian quickly jumped between him and the door.

“Nothing! What do you mean?” A heavy sob discredited his words right away. He let out a nervous laugh. “Oh, that? It’s… just Lan Zhan, yes! He’s very emotional, you know. He broke a teapot, and now he’s sad!” Never mind the ridiculous reason he gave, if it were really Hanguang-Jun crying inside, he’d never leave his husband.

Jin Ling’s suspicion grew by the minute. Wei Wuxian tried dragging him away one more time, while he blabbed about his husband’s sensitivity.

Jin Ling clearly heard more than one voice from the Jingshi. He forced his uncle to stop.

“Are they…?” If he’s right, if his friends are hiding in there from him, then never mind Jingyi hating him, all of them did.

Just when he started to get used to this friendship they had going on. Just when he started to really trust them.

He started trembling.

Wei Wuxian looked at him worried.

“A-Ling, whatever you think it is, it’s not like that.” His voice was calming and kind, it reminded him of Uncle.

“What the fuck do you know?” The bitterness in his own voice reminded him of Uncle too. He wished he were here.

“Calm down.” Wei Wuxian probably also saw the resemblance, because he looked kind of scared. Then he took a deep breath. “Stay here, I’m gonna get one of them for you. You should resolve this before it gets out of hand.”

He jumped inside the building, leaving Jin Ling alone with his fears. Then the door opened again, this time Sizhui being the one that exited.

“Jin Ling, we apologize for leaving you alone today, and for not letting you know about our circumstances.” He was terribly polite, as always, only to bring Jin Ling closer to tears.

“Cut the shit Sizhui, just tell me you don’t want me around.” He didn’t mean to vent on him, but he was hurt. ‘Now I’m really like Uncle. I want to beg for friendship, so instead I push people away. Way to go Jin Ling…’

Sizhui was taken aback by the way he talked to him. Jin Ling immediately felt the guilt crawl inside him. He hurt the nicest person that had blessed the earth.

“Are you willing to hear me out?” He still minded his manners. He still asked if he wanted to hear what he had to say. And Jin Ling was desperate, he craved whatever explanations, whatever lies he had to fix this.

“Speak.”

“There are things I can’t tell you, but what I can tell you is that A-Yi is working through some things right now, and he doesn’t want you to see him at his lowest. He needed comfort, and none of us could leave him. I apologize, we should have let you know, nonetheless. But please give him some time.” It all checked out. It sounded logical. But…

“Does it have something to do with me?” Sizhui can’t lie, he can’t lie for the life of him, so he decided not to answer. That was all the response Jin Ling needed. “I see…”

“I’m sorry, I really can’t tell you more.” He didn’t blame Sizhui, he was forced into an awkward situation, not wanting to betray either of his friends. Jin Ling somewhat calmed down, believing Sizhui, believing that he and Zizhen just were caught between this ridiculous feud.

But Jingyi… He didn’t know what triggered this, he didn’t know how he triggered this. But he felt awful. Those crying sounds, it must be him. Did he hurt him? Would Jingyi even care about him enough that he could hurt him? Jin Ling was at loss.

‘Somehow, I caused this, and now he completely rejects my presence. If he didn’t hate me already, then now he definitely does.’

He let out a sigh.

“I’m sorry… for causing trouble.” His voice was shaky. Sizhui seemed like he wanted to say something, but Jin Ling cut in. “Please be there for him.” He chuckled dryly. “What am I saying, of course you’re there for him.”

“Jin Ling…” He raised his hand, a move he saw his Uncle do when he wanted someone to shut up. It worked.

“It’s fine, Sizhui, I’m fine. Go back to him.”

Sizhui hesitated for a minute, but eventually he went inside. As soon as he was out of range, Jin Ling started to sprint back to his room.

Right now, he hated himself more than ever. He somehow caused his crush misery, and still, he selfishly wished Sizhui and Zizhen would run to him, to comfort him the same way they did for Jingyi. He wished he were that important for someone.

When he shut the door behind him, the tears started flowing down on his cheeks uncontrollably. He really thought life couldn’t get worse than his crush disliking him. As if he didn’t learn anything for the past. As if he didn’t know already that suppressed feelings could only cause harm.

He was alone, no one to turn to. He felt like a lost child.

Not caring for the consequences, he grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper. He quickly scribbled down the first lie that came to his mind. When he was done with that, he grabbed Suihua and stormed out of the building, stormed out of the Cloud Recesses.

***

The long flight somewhat cleared Jin Ling’s mind. Not enough to make him turn around and go back, but enough to feel rather embarrassed when he landed in Lotus Pier.

In the height of his desperation, he sought out the only person he trusted. In that moment he thought it a good idea to run into his Uncle’s arms. But now he felt ridiculous. People had bigger problems than this. His Uncle definitely had bigger problems than this.

But he couldn’t stay put in Cloud Recesses.

He stood in the middle of the buzzing courtyard embarrassed, when he heard the familiar barking, he missed so much. He turned around to see Fairy happily run at him, closely followed by his Uncle. Now he had no choice but face the decision he made.

“Jin Ling, what are you doing here?” He was greeted with one of those famous scowls of his. Jin Ling’s mind blanked out, not knowing how to explain his situation. ‘I can’t possibly tell him I’m here because of a heartbreak. That is ridiculous. I can’t, I absolutely cannot…’

“Jin Ling?” The mixture of worry and anger in Jiang Cheng’s voice soothed his thoughts.

“I needed to get away, Uncle.” Both the worry and the anger remained in Jiang Cheng’s eyes.

“Did someone hurt you?” Jin Ling silently shook his head. “A-Ling, be honest.”

Jin Ling spoke in a weak voice.

“Can I just stay here for a few days?” Not daring to look at his Uncle, he intensely stared at the ground.

“Do you think a sect leader gets breaks like that?” His words cut deep into Jin Ling’s skin. “Do you think you’re allowed to run whenever things get hard? Do you think I’ll always be here to take care of things for you?” He let out a frustrated sigh. “You can stay a few days, but only if you promise you’ll work out the problems that chased you here in the meantime.”

“Thank you, Uncle.”

The evening found Jin Ling out in the training field, wielding his bow. Practicing always helped him to turn off his mind. He’s been at it for the whole afternoon, and he’d have probably stayed out there for the whole night too, if he’s not disturbed by his Uncle.

“And here I thought my nephew would join me for dinner.” His voice was sharp as always, and he was carrying a steaming bowl of food. Jin Ling reluctantly put down his bow and accepted the bowl. He didn’t feel hungry, but his heart was filled with gratefulness, Uncle made a point to welcome him home with Jiang Yanli’s famous lotus root and pork soup.

“I sent a letter to Sect Leader Lan explaining where you disappeared.” He gestured Jin Ling to follow him and walked out to the piers. He sat down by the water, and so did Jin Ling. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Fairy nested her head on his lap, and he patted her nervously instead of answering.

“I know I failed as a parent in too many ways, but I promise I won’t get mad. I see something troubles you and I want to help you.” Jin Ling shrugged at those words. This level of honesty, vulnerability was uncommon between them.

“You already deal with the majority of my problems Uncle; you don’t need to worry about this one too. It really isn’t even that important.” ‘How could it be important compared to the matters of two sects? How can I so selfishly inconvenience him again?’

“Of course it’s important, you wouldn’t be here otherwise.” He shot him a meaningful look. Jin Ling wanted to get this off his chest, even if he won’t get any useful advice out of it.

But the whole situation was just stupid, childish and meaningless.

“I don’t like the look on your face. Just tell me, and I’ll decide if it’s worth getting upset about.”

“Can I… can I ask you something?” Jiang Cheng nodded firmly. “Have you… ever been in love?” Jin Ling felt intense warmth in his cheeks at the improper question. He saw his Uncle almost going into rage, before realizing that he was basically asking for something like this.

“I… think, yes.” He awkwardly cleared his throat. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve been just wondering… if you’ve never been in love, or…” He left the sentence hanging in the air.

“Or if I just fucked that up too?” There was a hint of self-depreciation in his voice.

They fell into awkward silence. They never really discussed anything like this before. Usually assuming what the other actually meant based on the experience of years was enough. But talking about feelings was a whole new ground to uncover, it demanded them to say things out loud.

“Did you tell them you like them?” Jin Ling shook his head.

“No, they hate me. He hates me.” He noticed how Jiang Cheng tensed up upon hearing that. For a split second he could even see the purple sparks from Zidian, but then his Uncle composed himself.

“Did he say that?” Jin Ling let out a sigh in relief. Unconsciously he feared the moment when he tells him about possibly being a cut sleeve. But Jiang Cheng didn’t seem to be fazed by that part.

“I noticed the signs.”

Jiang Cheng took a deep breath before speaking up again.

“This might be fucking hilarious coming from me, but don’t just assume things and run with them. Until he doesn’t straight up tell you that he hates you, you just have no way to know that. And even if he tells you, he could be lying for some twisted reason. Noticing the signs is bullshit.”

“What should I do then?” He already knew what the answer was going to be.

“Tell him how you feel. Tell him, before it’s too late.”

“Can’t I just wait until this feeling goes away?” He got startled by the sound of the sudden laughter, that bitter laughter his Uncle burst into.

“It doesn’t go away. You’ll always have that lingering ‘what if’ in the back of your mind.” Jin Ling studied Jiang Cheng’s expression curiously. He was clearly speaking out of experience.

“Is it too late for you? To tell them?”

“Too much has changed.”

“But your feelings for them haven’t. Is that not enough?” Jiang Cheng shook his head defeated.

“Sometimes feelings just aren’t enough. Sometimes our circumstances are stronger than us. We’ve both grown up, we’ve both changed to the point where those kids we used to be feel like a dream, nothing more.” He turned to Jin Ling with a meaningful look. “You shouldn’t wait until all you have left is regret.”

***

Throughout the night Jin Ling was restlessly throwing himself around in bed. Not only did he not get enough sleep, but he also gave Fairy a hard time with his constant moving.

His body was aching from the excessive training, and his heart from loneliness. His mind craved the ignorance of sleep.

He could already catch a glimpse of the first rays of sunshine when he finally fell asleep.

But the peace didn’t last long.

He woke up at the sound of shouting. This wasn’t Cloud Recesses.

“YOU HAVE SOME NERVE TO JUST WALK RIGHT INTO MY HOME!”

“He’s my nephew too, and we’re all worried.” At that voice Jin Ling tensed up. ‘Shit, they’re gonna kill each other.’

“MAYBE YOU SHOUD HAVE MADE SURE HE DOESN’T RUN AWAY, IF YOU’RE SO WORRIED!”

“A-Cheng, please…”

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TO GIVE EXCUSES!” Jin Ling sprung out of bed, not even caring for appearances, he run out to find his fighting uncles. He didn’t need to search much, the loud shouting was a good indicator.

His limbs were still sore from yesterday, but he got there pretty quick.

“Can you please stop?” He spoke quietly, but his sudden appearance was enough to get both of their attention.

“I’m sorry A-Ling.” Wei Wuxian said with a genuinely sorry face.

“Hmpf” Jiang Cheng sent both an unreadable look. Then he turned fully to Jin Ling. “Just let me know if you decide to go back with him.” He left without sparing another look for his brother. Wei Wuxian laughed nervously.

“This didn’t go too well.” Jin Ling glared at him on behalf of his Uncle.

“What did you expect? Walking in unannounced?” Seeing the emotions displayed on his face, Jin Ling felt sorry for him. There were too many layers to this conflict for him to fully understand, but he felt the pain in both of his uncles.

“There’s no helping it, I got what I deserve…” His voice, his expression, everything made Jin Ling infuriated.

“Are you dumb?” He sighed frustrated. “If Uncle really wanted to, he would have prevented you from being able to enter Lotus Pier.” His eyes widened more with surprise. “He’s mad because you didn’t look out for me like you were supposed to.”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to.” Jin Ling wanted to hit someone. Possibly Wei Wuxian.

“You’re the one who always boasts about being my uncle. Doesn’t that come with responsibilities? Uncle certainly thought so.”

“He trusted… me?”

“Yes. A horrible idea if you ask me. He can only blame himself. He probably does.”

Wei Wuxian stood there, seemingly deep in thought. He completely forgot why he came in the first place. Jin Ling actually kind of appreciated that.

“I suggest you talk to him. God knows you two need it.” He was about to turn around and leave when Wei Wuxian grabbed him by the arm. He grinned at his nephew devilishly.

“I talk to Jiang Cheng and you talk to your friends!”

He snorted ungracefully.

“Unlike you, I was planning on doing so.”

“Really?” The doubt in his voice made Jin Ling’s blood boil. He angrily shook his hand off his arm.

“Really.”

***

After Wei Wuxian left Jin Ling got his fair share of scolding for meddling in things, he has no business to deal with. But all things considered, it went well. Both men are still alive, and even agreed to occasionally talk to each other. That is a first step in the good direction.

However, solving their problem truly shouldn’t be Jin Ling’s main concern when he has his own conflicts to resolve. He told the truth when he said he was planning on talking to his friends. Friends meaning Zizhen and Sizhui. As for Jingyi, he had no idea if he’ll ever be able to face him again.

Nonetheless, after two nights in Yunmeng, his Uncle ordered him to go back. And so he did.

Entering the Cloud Recesses again was a weird feeling. This time he was familiar with the place, he even had friends. But the way he left made things unnecessarily difficult. If he stayed, then guaranteed, it would be still awkward, but it wouldn’t imply that he took an offense in this whole situation. Now he had some explaining to do.

He wanted to procrastinate as long as possible, so he just sneaked into his room, and spent the remaining time till bedtime locked up in there, knowing full well that in the morning he’ll have to face everything at once.

And the morning came quickly.

Jin Ling opened the door, only to catch Zizhen lingering around there. When he saw him, his eyes lit up, and quickly embraced his friend.

“Jin Ling! You’re back!” Jin Ling shook him off of himself, though seeing him being happy about his return lifted the weight off his chest. Well, part of it.

However, when he could finally take a second glance at Zizhen, he saw the thousands of questions in his eyes.

“Jin Ling, I don’t want to be that guy, but why did your note and Sect Leader Lan’s explanation say two completely different things?” He laughed happily. “I mean you better get your lies lined up before the real interrogation starts.”

Jin Ling twitched.

“Excuse me?”

Zizhen stopped in his steps, forcing Jin Ling to do the same.

“For real though. Why did you leave so suddenly?” Jin Ling was caught off guard. He had no lies ready, well, none that made sense anyways. “Thought so. Look, I only know one side of this story. Now I want to understand why it made you so upset that Jingyi tried to hide his vulnerable side from you. Cause I don’t think you’d have the same reaction if I were the one hiding in the Jingshi crying.”

Jin Ling wanted to deny what he said, but it was true. If it were Zizhen crying, then he’d understand him not wanting him around in that state. Of course, it’d be Sizhui who’d comfort him. It should work the same way with Jingyi. Of course, he’d want only his closest friends around. Understandable.

Except, he was in love with Jingyi. He wanted to be the one beside him at times like that. But in reality, he was the one causing the problem in the first place. Somehow.

Jin Ling sighed troubled. He decided to tell a half-truth.

“I don’t know how I made things go this wrong. But I just get the idea, that I hurt him in some way, making him hate me even more. I didn’t mean it to happen though.”

Zizhen looked at him disbelieving.

“Even more?” He run his fingers through his hair discomposedly. “Oh boy. Let me get this straight. You think he hates you?” The way he asked that implied that Jin Ling was very wrong about that.

Jin Ling returned his gaze with even more disbelief.

“I, uh, I mean yes. It’s pretty clear.” He felt dumb to have to spell it out like that. He thought that everyone could see it. Apparently not.

Zizhen started laughing strangely, like he found it hilarious, but also aggravating.

“Oh god. This just got ten times messier.”

“What do you mean?” Jin Ling asked desperately for some explanation.

“Never mind me, we need to find the others.” Zizhen grabbed Jin Ling’s sleeve and started to drag him along.

Not knowing any better, he left himself to be dragged. They bumped into the Lans halfway to the diner.

Sizhui, just like Zizhen, seemed happy to see him again.

“We were wondering why you're so late." Those words were aimed at his boyfriend. Then he turned to Jin Ling with a kind smile. "What a pleasant surprise.” Jin Ling felt extremely awkward. He knew it was going to be awkward though.

“I’m back, can we get breakfast now?” He tried his best to not have to talk this out. Zizhen already made him feel dumb enough.

“I’m afraid we’re skipping breakfast. This is more important.” Zizhen had to cross his plans. The only thing comforting Jin Ling, funnily enough, was that Jingyi seemed to be suffering just as much as he was.

“Zizhen’s right. We need to apologize. We didn’t mean to exclude you.” Jingyi cut him off abruptly.

“It’s my fault, I’m sorry. Don’t blame them. I didn’t want them to tell you where I was. Or rather in what state. I’m sorry.” He spoke quickly and quietly Jin Ling could barely keep up with what he was saying.

But he used this chance.

“I overreacted. Let’s just forget it.” Jingyi played along with him.

“Yes, let’s forget it.”

Zizhen seemed displeased with this result, but Jin Ling and Jingyi were strangely on the same page. After ‘making up’ they decidedly started walking towards the diner.

And so, everything went straight back to how it was. Jingyi still didn’t talk to Jin Ling. He still sat to the furthest from him. He still didn’t look at him. And everyone still ignored the weird aura.

Everything went back to the same, except Jingyi started to behave even more strangely.

***

Jin Ling thought he was going mad. Before, he thought he endured the worst already. But ever since he came back, Jingyi went extra hard with his teasing. Sometimes he couldn’t even decide if he was just joking or talking seriously.

It was like he was putting effort into talking to him. On one hand, Jin Ling was happy to get more opportunity to talk with him. On the other hand, he felt anxious, thinking Jingyi was forcing himself to do that.

But regarding his list, things balanced themselves out after all. ‘He might be talking with me more, but in exchange he’s making fun of me more too.’

Once he got used to it, life was pretty normal again. As if that incident with him running home didn’t happen at all. Noone brought it up, and Jin Ling was happy this way. He still watched Jingyi’s every move way too closely. His heart ached every day.

But he was a coward to confess. Even though he knew he should do it. He still hoped that against his Uncle’s words, it will go away with time.

If he suffers enough knowing he doesn’t stand a chance, then surely, it’ll go away.

But the feeling of being hopelessly in love sticked to him like a scared child to their mother. Without it he felt lost.

It was one of those nights, when he couldn’t sleep because his mind was running around some stupid thing Jingyi told him. Only, this time he answered with something even stupider.

They spent the afternoon on the Back Mountain, playing with the bunnies, when Jingyi turned to him with a tiny white bunny in his hand.

“This one looks like you!” He laughed happily at the discovery. Jin Ling felt like under any other circumstances it would be some sort of a weird compliment. But not from Jingyi. Not to him.

“It doesn’t.”

“But it does!” He brought the animal closer to him. “Look, it’s so delicate, yet it’s eyes are glaring! Like it could kill.”

‘And what the fuck does that say about me?’ He glared back at the tiny rabbit, unwillingly confirming what Jingyi was saying.

“Cute…” It wasn’t more than a whisper, but Jin Ling heard it perfectly. His glare immediately turned to Jingyi. And to his surprise Jingyi was staring at him already. With his face flushing red. “You’re a cute bunny.” He held the animal in front of his face, practically hiding behind it.

Jin Ling was between being embarrassed and enraged.

“Can you fucking stop with the constant mocking? I have my limit too.” For a moment it seemed like he finally broke free. That this was the last straw.

But no.

As soon as he saw Jingyi’s scared expression he couldn’t stay mad. He didn’t miraculously forget his feelings. He mumbled a sorry and decided to be annoyed by Wei Wuxian instead.

This scene was torturing him tonight. He was laying in his bed, giving falling asleep a chance, like he didn’t already know it’s useless. He almost jumped out of bed when he heard a quiet knock on his door. It was well past bedtime. Jin Ling’s best bet was that Wei Wuxian came to pester him with some dumb idea, since no one else would be up at this time. Not the Lans.

He got out of bed and put on an outer robe before opening the door.

He almost died of shock. Standing in front of him wasn’t Wei Wuxian at all, it was Lan Jingyi.

“Hi! Were you sleeping? Can I come in?” Jin Ling wordlessly stepped aside to let him in. His room was only lit by the soft moonlight that shone in through the windows. Other than that, it was dark. Jin Ling thanked the gods for that, because he was blushing hard.

Jingyi. In his room. In the middle of the night.

“What are you doing here?” He knew he came off hostile when asking that. He couldn’t help it; he was happy to untie his tongue in the first place.

“I’m sorry to disturb you so late.” Jingyi stood in front of a window, his face was in complete darkness. “I just couldn’t sleep.” He chose his words carefully, unlike usually.

When he didn’t explain further Jin Ling gathered enough strength to speak up.

“And?” Jingyi laughed pained.

“I feel like I did a bad job at convincing you I don’t hate you. And I don’t know why you think that in the first place. It bugs me so much that I can’t sleep.” Jin Ling tried to comprehend his words. ‘Why do you even know about that? And more importantly why do you care?’

“Jin Ling?”

“Huh?” He snapped out of his trance.

“Why do you think I hate you?” He sounded… almost sad? ‘This doesn’t make any sense. Maybe I managed to fall asleep, and this is a weird dream.’

“I…” He swallowed loudly. A thought crossed his mind. “Do you not hate me?” Jingyi chuckled dryly.

“Quite the opposite.” Jin Ling got more confused by the minute. His whole world just got flipped over. “What made you think I hate you?”

“I… I…” He was panicking. ‘Does he not hate me? That’s not right. That’s not possible… Just how could I have been so wrong about this?’ “…I have a whole list about it.” He suddenly blurted out. He didn’t mean to confess that.

“A what?” Jingyi was taken aback, judged by his voice.

‘Oh fuck.’

“I, uhh, it’s nothing. I just noticed some things. That kind of a list.” He took a deep breath before getting into the details. His cheeks were burning up. “Like you barely look at me. And you barely talked to me. I guess that kind of changed, but even so, you always make fun of me. You don’t even call me by my name. It’s always Young Mistress! And you always put some distance between us! What part of that was supposed to make me believe you don’t hate me?” By the end he got pretty heated about it, like he had any rights to be mad about it. But the pent-up emotions had to break out at one point.

“I…” Jingyi seemed to lose all his confidence. “It’s all because I like you!”

“How?” Jin Ling raised his voice, only to lower it right after, remembering that they’ll get into big trouble if they get caught. “Just how is that all because you like me? Then why were you so distant if you don’t hate me?” The shadow figure in the window seemed to be trembling slightly.

“I’m sorry… I just…” He sounded so miserable. So genuinely sorry. Jin Ling wanted to hug him already, but he was still mad and uncertain. “… it’s true I tried to stay away from you for the most part.” He was struggling with his words. “I… I know you like someone else, and after I found that out, I just had to keep my distance. But I don’t want you to think I hate you. Because I really don’t.” His voice got gradually quieter.

Jin Ling stood there dumbfounded for a good minute or two. Then it reached his consciousness.

“This can’t be real.”

Jingyi started to ramble scared.

“I’m sorry to inconvenience you with my confession, but I’d rather lose this friendship to that, than to you thinking I hate you. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you with it anymore.” He crossed the room with a few steps and was about to leave when Jin Ling finally caught his arm.

“Wait.” He almost yelled and Jingyi turned around frightened.

Suddenly everything clicked in Jin Ling’s mind. It all made sense. Why Jingyi was behaving weird in the first place. Why he turned weirder after he told him he’s in love with someone. Why he turned even weirder after he told Zizhen he thinks he hates him. It all made sense; he was just blind to see it.

“I’m so dumb.” Jingyi watched with widened eyes as he started to laugh. “We’re so dumb! I can’t believe how much time we wasted by being dumb…” He couldn’t keep himself composed.

“Jin Ling?” Jingyi’s voice was hushed as if he was afraid to be heard.

“It’s you! You’re the one I’m in love with!” Despite the darkness, Jin Ling could see how Jingyi changed color. To be fair, he was blushing too.

“It’s… me?” Jin Ling traced his arm till he reached his hand, intertwining their fingers tightly. He let out a soft chuckle.

“It’s you.”