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Dee always knew that Sam would grow to be taller than her, but it was still a shock when one day she had to look up to look into his eyes.
It didn’t take long for Sam to grow into his height either and over the years the physical differences between them grew by leaps and bounds. Dee was used to pushing her little brother around. But now, when she shoved, Sam didn’t budge. He was sixteen years old but he looked twenty. He was already six feet tall, broad shouldered, and developing more muscle everyday. But of course, Sam was never humble when it came to his size and height. In fact, he lorded it over Dee every chance he got.
But the worst part was the way Dee started to look at him. She looked at the way he moved, the way his hair curled behind his ears. She began to watch parts of Sam’s body that had previously held no interest to her. She looked at his arms, the way his shoulder muscles moved under his shirt. She looked at his hands, how much bigger they were now, the way they could practically circle her waist. She looked at his thighs when he walked. When he stripped to the waist and used his shirt to wipe sweat from his neck and shoulders, Dee could feel the blood rush hotly through her body.
For months now, it was like Dee couldn’t not look at him.
At first, when she caught herself admiring her brother in a more than sisterly way, she simply pushed those thoughts to the far back of her mind. Refused to acknowledge them for what they were. It seemed to work....until the day she saw Sam looking back.
It was a Saturday, which meant that Sam didn’t have school, but that didn’t mean they had the day off. Just like every other morning, they had PT, which meant running at least three miles.
When they got home, Sam headed straight to the fridge while Dee called out, “Dibs on first shower,” as she passed him on her way to the bathroom.
It didn’t take her long to rinse off and then she was back in her room, towel wrapped around her, digging through her clean laundry for something to wear. She grabbed a clean pair of underwear and dropped her towel to put them on. She had just snapped on her bra when she turned to find Sam standing in the doorway to her room.
He was watching her.
Dee had caught her brother looking before, noticed him sneaking glances at her now and then when she came out of the shower or got ready for bed. He’d been doing it since he was about ten. When he’d first started noticing girls. And they’d always lived in each other’s pockets so Dee never thought much of it other than it was just Sam being curious about girls. It was normal.
This time was different. This time, Sam didn’t shy away. In the past, he would duck his head, cheeks turning red, when she caught him. But this time, he didn’t try to hide the fact that he was looking at her. Now, he looked at her openly, without any shame or fear.
He looked so much older, standing there that day. This wasn’t the boy she comforted as he cried after skinning his knee. This time, her brother was looking at her the way a man looks at a woman. There was want... a desire in his eyes. But there was also a sense of confusion...of wonder. What she saw there were her own thoughts reflected back at her.
It was that moment when Dee realized just how twisted she’d become. Instead of being horrified by the revelation, she was actually relieved. For one whole second she was relieved she wasn’t the only one.
Even though that moment was fleeting, Sam, who could always read his sister like the back of his hand, said, “I knew it.”
Dee’s heart jumped in her chest. She shook her head, wishing she could go back...shut this down before it goes the way she thinks it will.
But it’s too late. She’s caught out and Sam’s like a dog with a bone.
“I knew it wasn’t just me,” he said.
Dee kept shaking her head. Forced herself to turn away. She grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it on, heart racing. She couldn’t believe this was happening.
Sam said, “Dee…”
Dee snapped, “Go take your shower.”
Sam tried again. “But, we should talk about this.” He stepped toward her.
“No!” Dee practically screamed, making him stop short. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“But…”
“There is nothing, Sam!” She shot a hard look at him, daring him to say one more word. “Go take your shower.”
Sam’s mouth opened and closed and for a second, Dee thought he wasn’t going to listen, but then, finally, he turned away.
Dee’s heart was racing so fast she felt it might beat right out of her chest. She stood there for several long moments staring at the far wall, with it’s faded flower wallpaper, and tried to get a hold of herself.
She told herself it wasn’t too late to shove this genie back in the bottle and, taking a deep breath, she headed to the kitchen to busy herself by making breakfast.
She and Sam danced around each other for the rest of the day. Around lunch, Sam grabbed a turkey sandwich from the fridge and retreated to their room to study.
Dee spent the afternoon cleaning out their weapons locker.
By 4:00 pm she couldn’t stand it anymore. She needed to get out of there. Grabbing her keys, she climbed into the Impala and flew out of the driveway, tires kicking up gravel everywhere.
She drove around aimlessly for hours, trying to get lost in the music of her childhood. She forced her mind back to the “good” times with Dad in the driver’s seat and Sammy complaining about the bumps in the road because he’s trying to read. Her baby brother falling asleep with his head in her lap. Both of them lulled by the rhythm of the road. Singing along to the music as she twisted the long strands of Sammy’s hair around her fingers. She remembered the simpler times. Back when they were just children who had the whole world in front of them. Back before this thing boiled up between them.
And there it was again. No matter how many times she tried to shove the memory away...turned the music up and pressed down on the gas...she kept coming back to it. To the look on Sam’s face and…. Jesus… how could she have let her brother get dragged down like this… down to her level?
Dee comforted herself with the thought that there was time to change. That with enough time, they could go back to the way they were.
It would take many years for her to realize that even back then, deep down, she knew it was too late. They were already way too twisted up in each other to ever go back.