Work Text:
Kurogane raps his knuckles heavily against the apartment door for the third time that minute. He presses his ear to the wood, listening for sounds of movement or shuffling from the other side. He can’t hear anything except the low murmur of a TV.
“Fai?” he calls out, knocking again. “Are you in there?”
It wasn’t in Kurogane’s nature to worry. His ability to stay calm and stone-faced in most situations was a notable trait of his. But against his own better judgement, the first tendrils of anxiety had started to creep in that morning after another of his texts to Fai was left unanswered. That anxiety was only growing the longer that Fai’s apartment door stayed closed.
It wasn’t like Fai to ghost on him. If anything, Kurogane had to beat him off with a stick as he danced around him calling him stupid nicknames and teasing him relentlessly. It was even worse if he wasn’t in the same room; he would blow up Kurogane’s phone with silly cat videos or long run-on texts about whatever was on his mind.
There were also those common occurrences when Fai or Kurogane would call the other in the late hours and ask them what they were doing and if they wanted some company. They both knew what it meant. It was the routine they had been playing at for the last 8 months. They swore black and blue that it was purely physical and only to satiate their primal urges, nothing more, nothing less. Easy and uncomplicated, that was their agreement. Fai was an annoying, but constant friend who Kurogane sometimes had sex with.
But now it had been 3 days now with no contact from Fai, not even a single text, and Kurogane was worried.
For the first 24 hours, he had just assumed that Fai was busy with work and that he would be back to irritating Kurogane in no time. When it started approaching the next evening, nearly 45 hours since Fai’s last text, Kurogane decided to text him a series of question marks. It got no reply. He let it go until the next morning, assuming he would wake up to some dumb, rambling text from the idiot, giving him a long-winded explanation about whatever work thing had happened or how he had lost his phone, but once again, nothing. He then sent him another text, asking him if everything was alright. When it got to lunch time with a read receipt but no response, he called him. The phone rang twice and then was sent to voicemail. Knowing that he was screened and denied made Kurogane’s temper flare. He texted Fai, saying “answer your phone idiot!” and then tried to call again. This time it went straight to voicemail. Fai had either blocked his contact or turned his phone off. Kurogane silently hoped it was the latter and not the former.
On one hand, Kurogane was starting to get mad at the flippant treatment he was receiving. If Fai didn’t want to be his friend anymore, all he had to do was say so He didn’t have to ghost him! Kurogane was a big boy, he could take it.
On the other hand, there was a small kernel of worry growing at the bottom of his stomach. This was really out of character for Fai and a little voice in the back of his head was nagging at him, telling him not to just let this one go. That there was more to this than meets the eye.
He decided to call Fai’s work to check on him there. He felt like an imbecile, stalking him at work like a crazy, jilted lover, but he just couldn’t let it go. Sakura answered on the third ring.
“Cat’s Eye Café, how can I help you?”
“Sakura, it’s Kurogane. Is Fai there?” he asked, gruffly.
“Kurogane! How are you? Fai’s not here right now .”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know... He hasn’t been in for the last 3 days. He said he’s sick but when I offered to bring him soup or medicine, he said there was no need. He’s also not answering any of his texts…” Her voice trailed off at the end, sounding concerned. “Have you seen him, Kurogane? Is he okay?”
His stomach tightened. So, it wasn’t just him that Fai’s been ignoring for the past 3 days? His gut instinct told him that something was very wrong.
“I’m sure everything is fine kid. I’ll go check on him after work and let you know.”
And that’s how ended up here, standing outside Fai’s apartment and being ignored by its occupant, if the light streaming out from underneath the door is anything to go by.
“Seriously Fai, open up!” Kurogane growls, his worry manifesting into rage. “I’m going to break down this damn door if you don’t answer it in the next 10 seconds!” He looks down at his feet and waits 10 seconds, and then 20, and then another 10 just to be sure.
He sighs, taking a step back. He rolls his eyes as he starts to stomp his feet, acting as if he was walking away. He sees a shadow move in front of the light shining underneath the door.
Idiot.
“I can literally see your fucking shadow Fai, are you going to let me in?”
The shadow disappears as he hears Fai jump back. There’s a thud, followed by the sound of glass shattering and a muffled “shit!”
“For fucks sake, I’m coming in.” Kurogane realises that he doesn’t actually need to break down the door as he suddenly remembers where Fai’s spare key is hidden, taped to the bottom of the fern pot outside his door. He shoves the key into the lock and rips open the door.
There Fai is, kneeling on the ground picking up each piece of a shattered picture frame that had fallen off the entry table. Fai’s eyes drag away from the wreckage on the ground and trail their way up Kurogane’s body. His blue eyes meet Kurogane’s for half a second, before settling on a spot just the left of his head. A wide fake smile spreads across his pale face. “Kuro-sama!” he says, voice cracking under the false cheerfulness. “What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?”
Kurogane’s eyes sweep over the man crumpled at his feet. His eyes are red rimmed and blood shot and his clothes are crumpled and stained. The dark, sunken circles under his eyes make for a scary contrast to his pallid skin. His hands are shaking slightly as they gingerly hold the broken glass that he was collecting. Kurogane’s chest tightens painfully.
“Get up,” Kurogane orders.
Fai’s fake smile falters. “ What ?”
Kurogane grabs his arm firmly, but gently urges him to his feet. “Get up. Leave the glass. I’ll clean it up. ”
“But - “
“Don’t argue.” His voice rumbles, low and contained. Fai gets to his feet slowly, aided by the grip that Kurogane has on his arm. He bends over and plucks the photograph out of the broken frame. “Be careful of the glass,” Kurogane says, noting Fai’s bare feet. He steers them both over to the couch in the living area. “Sit down,” he says, before heading into the kitchen and putting the kettle on. While the water boils, he grabs a dustpan and brush from the pantry and makes his way back to the entryway. The shattered remains of the picture frame clink and rattle as he sweeps it into the dustpan and throws it in the garbage. He makes them both tea while Fai watches with wide wet eyes, as if disbelieving that he is really there at all. The photograph he picked up is still clasped in his right hand, creasing from the force of his white-knuckled fist.
Kurogane hands the steaming mug of sweetened rose tea to Fai who receives it with a small thanks. The couch dips under his weight as he positions himself at the opposite end. His eyes zero in on a nasty tangle of blonde hair near his left temple as Fai stares down into the mug, looking lost.
Kurogane doesn’t push. He sips at his own tea and waits for Fai to stop looking so shell shocked and open up. He scans the room, noticing Fai’s plethora of plants wilting from neglect, and the empty noodle cups that litter the coffee table. There’s an ash tray on the window sill by the dining table that’s overflowing with cigarette buts. The TV plays some stupid reality show where a bunch of idiotic women fight over the right to date an even more idiotic man.
“What are you doing here?” Fai asks in a voice that’s so timid and quiet, that Kurogane isn’t even sure he said it. It’s such an unsettling contrast to his normally boisterous and lively self.
He clears his throat before speaking. “You weren’t answering, so I came to check on you.”
Fai traces the rim of the mug with his index finger. Kurogane traces the movement with his eyes. The small space between them was tense. “Why?’ Fai asks.
Because I care about you was what he almost said.
“Seemed like the right thing to do,” is what he said instead.
Fai worries at his bottom lip with his teeth, staring forlornly into his tea. Kurogane takes a sip from his own tea, a bitter rooibos, and watches. Fai shuffles uncomfortably under his crimson gaze, pulling his knees into his chest, making himself as small as possible.
Kurogane should have known better than to expect Fai to open up willingly. The ceramic clinks on the coffee table when he puts his mug down. “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he says, trying to sound soft and failing. He cringes at the gruff tone of his own voice.
Fai chuckles a hollow sort of laugh, placing his still full mug down on the coffee table next to his own. “Oh Kuro- rin , you’re so precious! Your concern flatters me, but I"m fine.” Fai smiles, and it’s a ghastly kind of smile. It makes Kurogane’s blood boil.
Kurogane growls, “like hell you are! Look at this place Fai! It’s a fucking mess!” his arm gestures around them to the dying flowers and stubbed-out cigarettes. “And you’re not much fucking better!”
Fai pouts theatrically. “Kuro-rin doesn’t think I"m pretty?”
“Will you shut the fuck up for a second?!” Kurogane shouts. Fai’s mouth slams shut, his expression turning to steel; cold and sharp. Kurogane shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath to douse his anger. In through his nose and out through his mouth, just like his therapist had taught him. He opens his eyes to find Fai staring back at him with those unnaturally blue eyes. “What I"m saying is, clearly you’re not okay. If you were, you wouldn’t have been ignoring the world for the last three days while surviving solely on ramen noodles and cigarettes. So, we can talk about it if you want, or not. I don’t really care either way, but I’m not leaving until I know you’re okay.”
Fai goes to interject, but Kurogane puts up his hand, silencing him. “I mean actually okay , idiot. Not your fake bullshit version of okay. You’re not nearly as good of an actor as you think you are. You’re so easy to see through that you’re practically transparent.”
Fai’s blue eyes bore into him. He gives Kurogane a sad smile, but it’s honest. It may be the most honest expression Kurogane’s ever seen him make. “You’re relentless, Kuro-tan.”
“I know.”
The crinkle of paper breaks the stare between them. Fai loosens the fist that clutches the photograph to his chest and stares at the photo, attempting to straighten the creases and corners with his fingers. Kurogane catches a glimpse. It’s a photo of a much younger Fai, smiling widely at the camera, or perhaps the person behind it. He’s wrapped in a haze of autumn glow, surrounded by the orange and red leaves of the fading trees. It’s a beautiful photo.
Fai presses the crumpled photo to his chest, and screws his eyes tightly shut. It’s not until the light catches the drop and it’s glistening trail down his cheek that Kurogane even realises that Fai’s crying. He reaches across the space and grabs Fai’s free hand, squeezing softly. A silent reminder that he’s not alone.
The touch pulls a shuddering breath from Fai. “I... I’m not ready,” Fai whispers, “not yet...”
Kurogane just squeezes his hand again. It’s okay it says, using no words at all. The tears continue to stream silently down Fai’s face as tan fingers rub comforting circles into the back of his hand.
It’s a while later when Kurogane picks up his and Fai’s mugs and walks through to the kitchen to place them in the sink. He tracks back to the living area and wraps his hand around Fai’s wrist, pulling him off the couch. “Come on.”
Fai doesn’t resist. “Where?”
“To your room.” Kurogane turns and starts leading them down the short corridor to where he knows Fai’s bedroom is.
“Wait! Kuro-chi!” Fai digs his heels in to the worn-out carpet, refusing to give another inch. “You know how I adore our little tête-à-têtes but I’m just not really in the mood right now. You understand, right Kurgy?” Kurogane looks down on him with such dumbfounded derision that the smile, so forced that it was practically a grimace, falters on Fai’s face.
“I’m not trying to fuck you!” his voice seethes with indignation, furious that Fai would even think he would force him into bed while the tears were still yet to dry on his face. “You look like shit! Like you haven’t fucking slept in 3 days! I’m taking you to your bedroom to sleep , you moron!”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.” Kurogane grumbles, pulling the now-compliant Fai along into his room and clicking the door shut behind them. He kicks of his shoes and strips off his jeans and shirt, leaving him in just his boxers. Fai following suit shortly after.
The mattress dips under Kurogane’s weight as he crawls to the far side. He settles himself into the bed that he’s spent many hours in without ever actually sleeping. He feels nervous as he makes himself comfortable, which seems completely ridiculous all things considered. He reminds himself that this doesn’t actually mean anything, and douses the feeling in cold water.
Fai stands, staring down at the bed apprehensively like it was some sort of intricate trap disguised as a memory foam mattress and 1000 thread count sheets. Kurogane waits for him to lie down and get comfortable, but it doesn’t happen. Fai just continues to stand there, looking troubled. He huffs, grabbing Fai’s bony wrist once more and pulling him down into the bed. “Lie down, you idiot. Unless you plan to sleep standing up.”
Fai shuffles around as he finally settles on the bed, albeit a little stiffly. Kurogane rolls his eyes at the intentional inches Fai has kept between them. Again, always the one to close the distance, he says “c’mere,” as he wraps his arms around Fai’s torso and pulls him against his chest. Fai’s hands are so cold that they burn against the heat of his skin. He feels Fai freeze against him momentarily before melting into the embrace. He buries his still-damp face into the hollow of his neck, chapped lips ghosting over Kurogane’s collarbone as he speaks. “You’re breaking all the rules Kuro-pi. You know that we don’t do this...”
“We do now, so shut up. The rules are stupid anyway.”
Fai chuckles, the sound reverberating through Kurogane’s chest and filling it with a warmth that keeps coming back in the others presence. A warmth that he keeps ignoring. A warmth that grows ever brighter when those cold hands reach around Kurogane’s torso and hold him close in return.
“You know... I’ve never done this before,” Fai whispers.
“Done what?”
“Y’know... cuddling... sleeping, actually sleeping, with someone... it’s- this is all new to me...”
Me too, Kurogane thinks.
“That would involve you actually falling asleep,” is what he says instead.
“I am! I am,” Fai laughs, softly so as not to disturb the quiet. It’s quiet for a while, their slowing breath the only noise in the room, synchronising with each other"s. “It’s nice...” Fai says, “being here with you, like this... it’s really nice.”
“Mm... go to sleep.”
“Okay Kuro-bear.”
It is only a short while later that Fai’s breathing evens out into the slow steady rhythm of slumber. Kurogane , only once he is sure that Fai is in a deep sleep, presses a gentle kiss against Fai’s soft, golden hair.
It is nice to being here with you too.
***
When Kurogane wakes up, his arms are empty. For a second, he panics at Fai’s absence, worrying that if he lets the troubled man out of his sight, that he will disappear on him again. He only relaxes when he realises that he can hear the faint sound of pans clanging and the tune of some garish pop song that Kuro can’t stand because they keep flogging it on the radio every bloody day. He rolls sideways out of Fai’s bed and pulls on his jeans. He tries to find his shirt but it’s nowhere to be seen. After a minute of searching, he gives up and pads down the hallway shirtless.
Fai is standing by the stove, hair tied up and spatula in hand. He’s wearing Kurogane’s shirt, which hangs a bit looser and longer on his slighter frame. There are two steaming mugs of coffee on the counter, one black and one with cream (and presumably sugar knowing what Fai’s sweet tooth is like).
Fai turns around. “Kuro-pii, you’re awake!” His smile is a little too wide and bright to be completely natural, but his relaxed and happy demeanour seem to be genuine. “I made you coffee; Black, just how you like it.”
Kurogane takes the steaming mug from Fai. “You’ve got something on your face,” he says as he gestures to Fai’s left cheek.
“Oh, thanks. It’s probably pancake batter.” He swipes his hand across his face, somehow managing to miss the dollop of pancake mixture.
“You missed it. Here.” Kurogane wipes the batter off Fai’s cheek and then licks it off his thumb. He scowls at his thumb, disgust written all over his face. “Urgh, so sweet. How can you like this shit?”
Fai’s face turns a startling shade of red. He turns back towards the stove and clears his throat. “You don’t like pancakes, Kuro-tan?” With Fai’s back turned, the red flush that has crept up Fai’s neck and ears is painfully obvious.
“No.”
Fai laughs. “Well, what do you like for breakfast then?”
Kurogane takes a long sip from his coffee before answering. “Eggs. Rice. Miso. Y’know, savoury stuff. Not this sweet crap.”
“Well, today I’ve made you banana pancakes Kuro-pu, but next time I’ll be sure to make you eggs and rice and miso, okay?”
Kurogane didn’t really hear anything after next time .
Fai wants there to be a next time.
“Okay.”
“Okay,” Fai echoes, give Kurogane a small, warm smile. He turns back to the stove once again, flipping the last few pancakes. A few minutes later, they’re both taking a seat at Fai’s two-seater dining table, a giant pile of pancakes on a serving plate between them. Fai pulls a pancake from the top of the pile and smothers it in butter and maple syrup. Kurogane puts yoghurt and lemon juice on his own, hoping that the acidity will cut through some of the sweetness.
“Mmm,” Fai hums happily, chewing slowly on his sugary breakfast.
“You seem...” Kurogane trails off, unsure how to finish that sentence. Not happier exactly, or carefree. Just calmer. Content.
“I am.”
Fai’s bright blue eyes are staring into his own. Kurogane feels a fierce surge of pride and protectiveness for this eccentric, beautiful man. This man with his enormous, steel-coated heart and the personality of a hummingbird. This man who barrelled into his life and refused to take no for an answer. This man with all his demons and his downfalls who still manages to get up and fight every day. This man who Kurogane is irrevocably, and against all better judgement, enraptured with.
He internally chides himself for sounding like such a sap.
“I am, Kuro-chu. Thank you for coming over last night.” Fai stares down at the swirl of syrup on his plate. “I thought I could handle it on my own, and I guess I can, barely. But you made it easier to bear. You just being here really helped.” Fai looks back up at Kurogane , reaching for his hand and taking it in his own. “So, thank you Kuro-tan.”
“Yeah, don’t mention it,” Kurogane says gruffly, pulling back his hand to continue eating with an air of indifference. The only thing giving him away was the rosy tinge to the top of his ears.
“You’re so mean, Kuro-gruff!” Fai giggles, “I was trying to say thank you."
“You don’t need to, idiot,” Kurogane grumbles, glaring at his pancake and refusing to look up into those unnaturally blue eyes. “I’m here. And I know you think you can handle it on your own, but you don’t have to. Not anymore.”
“I know...” Fai says quietly. “I know that now, anyway.”
“Good. About time you got it through your thick head.”
They eat in comfortable silence. It’s only later, when Kurogane is elbows deep in soap suds and scrubbing at the frying pan that Fai breaks it.
“I will tell you one day, Kurgy . Just not today...” He places the dried plate in the top cupboard and closes the door. He stays facing away, hand still gripping on to the cupboard handle. “I just want to have a good day today...”
Kurogane pulls his hands out of the sink and dries them on a dish towel. He comes up behind Fai and places his hand on his shoulder. “I understand. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”
Fai turns and wraps his arms around Kurogane’s chest, clutching him tightly. Kurogane returns the gesture, pressing his cheek against the top of Fai"s golden head, heart beating an unsteady rhythm and feeling 3 times too big for his chest. They stand in the middle of Fai’s kitchen for an indeterminable amount of time, wrapped in each other"s embrace. All the soap suds are almost gone when Fai finally pulls away. Kurogane refused to be the one to break away first.
“Do you have to work today, Kuro-tan?”
“No.”
“Do you want to stay a bit longer? Maybe watch a movie with me?”
Long, cold fingers wrap around Kurogane’s own, reaching out for him. The gesture asks a different question than the one that Fai spoke aloud, but Kurogane’s answer is the same for both. It will always be the same.
“Yeah... I’d like that.”