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She is more beautiful than he remembers. All these years of staring at the faces of his coworkers made him forget what beauty is. Kathy was beautiful, but in a different way. Kathy was all tight and sharp, slim angles and taut skin. Olivia has a shine all about her. It’s in her eyes and her cheekbones, her long hair and the curve of her waist and chest.
He tries not to focus on it.
He’s here for her. Maybe not for her, but because of her, he guesses. He is really here for his kids. They have been riding his ass for weeks now, asking him to get help. He was surprised when they all cornered him about it, but not surprised at the same time. There are parts of him that are growing dark, settling like cold stone inside his body. Maybe it would be different if Liv wasn’t here. If it was just him and the kids. But it’s not.
She tilts her head at him, side-eying him from a blue plastic chair. They sit in a row of seven chairs, alone in a hallway outside of some shrink’s office. His appointment is in four minutes. It’s the first time he’s met with a shrink unmandated.
“You’re quiet,” Olivia says.
He shifts in the chair, pulling his coat up over his legs. “Just thinking.”
“Want to share?”
He shakes his head. They’re both quiet and the clock on the wall ticks.
“You said I love you,” Olivia says.
“I said I love everyone in that room.”
She exhales. “You can be so stubborn. You know that?” Her voice is soft and grown in a way that pricks at him. She used to throw her words around, all fast and angry. But over the years, she has learned how to put her anger somewhere else. He hasn’t.
“I’m here,” he says. “I’m trying, Liv.”
She nods. He looks down at his hands. Was it this hard when he left? It had to be. It took all of him to walk away. It took more than he realized and now that he’s back, he can feel all that wanting building up again, this fire that has nowhere to go.
+++
She made me turn away.
How? How did she make you do anything?
+++
The meeting with the shrink isn’t that bad. It reminds him of how things used to be with Huang. He would say something, and Huang would just nudge him slightly. Huang never implied or judged. He just listened. Elliot has forgotten the last time he said something, and somebody really listened.
He exhales into the night as he makes his way back to his apartment. It’s dark out and colder than it should be for this time of year. The air is full of the crisp scent of winter. He looks up at his apartment and doesn’t want to be there.
Instead, he continues to walk. He pulls his phone from his pocket and dials Olivia’s number from memory. He’s deleted her contact so many times over the years. Sometimes, he would bring it up on the screen and just look at it. He looked at it so much that the numbers eventually came to feel like her.
“It’s late,” she says.
He continues walking. “I finished the session.”
“That’s good, Elliot.”
She sounds tired. “You okay?” he asks.
“I’m not supposed to be talking with you.”
Ahead of him, a taxi honks. Steam rises from a sewer grate. “Says who?”
“My boss.”
He considers. It’s smart, from a professional point of view. He’s been… not on his game. But he’s feeling better now. He feels like it is time to talk. “We could walk?” he suggests. “Or go for a drive?”
She sighs, heavily. In the background, he can hear the television going. He wonders if her kid is asleep or still awake. If he’s still into cartoons or if he’s watching those middle grade TV shows. He hated when Eli got to that stage. He wonders how Olivia is doing it alone. “I have coffee here,” she finally says. “Let me know when you’re downstairs.”
+++
Her apartment is nice. Roomy. It feels like a home, not an apartment. He sits on the couch with his coat still on, then gets hot and irritated that he didn’t take it off.
“Give me your coat,” she says.
She’s so calm. How can she be so calm? When they used to be together, she had this energy about her, like she was trying too hard, but now it’s like she doesn’t care. Maybe she’s moved on. Maybe that’s what he needs to do, but he isn’t sure how. He ran thousands of miles away, spent a decade with no contact, and still, this is how he feels. Like everything single part of his body is painfully awake. “Son’s asleep?”
She takes the coat. “He’s probably sneaking some iPad time.”
“He’s a good kid.”
“He is.”
She sits down opposite him and surprises him by pouring them both full glasses of white wine. He takes it without looking at the bottle and drinks deeply. It’s tart and does little to calm his nerves. “Sorry,” he says, and is immediately caught off guard by how his voice sounds all weak and tight.
“For what?”
He takes another sip. “For leaving.”
Olivia looks down at her wine. The one thing that hasn’t changed with her is how she holds her emotions. They are right there, all over her face. Her lip is curled, and her eyes are already full of tears. Do they even need to talk? Really, what’s the point? They both know everything even though they’ve never said it. Liv has always just known where he is and what he’s feeling.
“I want you to be in my life again.”
She shakes her head. “Elliot…”
“I’ll get my shit together. Go to the sessions.”
“It’s about more than just going to the sessions,” she says. “You can’t do the things you used to do. I can’t, either.”
“Why? Because we’re old now?”
She tilts her head. “Yeah, Elliot. We have to be responsible.”
Responsibility. Elliot feels like he has been responsible since he was a kid. He is tired of responsibility. He thought he was being responsible when he left. He did what he had to in order to save his marriage. But then that hurt other people and now he has to live with it. “I’m not gonna leave again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’m here. For good.”
She shakes her head.
They sit there for a while and nobody talks. He wants to a few times, but instead the two of them finish their wine glasses and then he pours them more. “Where is there to go from here?” he asks.
She leans back in her chair. The wine has gotten to her. Her eyes are glassy now, and in it he can see all the needless trauma she has gone through, all the things she sacrificed by staying at SVU. He ran and she didn’t. But she grew, too. He is proud of her for that. Maybe even a little jealous. “I have to set a good example,” she says slowly. “You do, too.”
He nods. “I will.”
“Promise me, Elliot.”
Her voice is hard and gravelly like she’s about to cry, and it tugs at him. There were days when he would’ve done anything to hear that voice, and also days when he would’ve killed anyone who made her talk like that. But now it’s just them and their jobs and this shared history. Maybe there is nowhere to go. But maybe there could be. “I’m proud of you,” he says.
She gives him a smile and then her face screws up and the tears finally come.
+++
He sleeps on the couch. Sleep is a stretch, but unconsciousness comes in bits and pieces. In the middle of the night, she gets up to use the bathroom. The light in the hall flickers on and then off again. He listens as she washes her hands and comes out. For a few moments, he can hear her lingering there. He closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep.
He thinks she’ll go back to her bedroom but instead, her footprints creak the floor. She sweeps over to him and then the smell of her, soft and clean, is everywhere in the room. She leans down and places a kiss on his forehead. He can’t help it; his eyes open. They lock gazes for several seconds. She appears surprised. It is so nice to see her face like this, free of makeup and framed by the moonlight. She is beautiful. “Good night,” she whispers.
A swell of something surfaces in his chest, warm and bright. “Good night,” he replies.