Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Los Angeles, fall 2019

"Am I interrupting somethin"?"

Alex retracted his face from when it had been— pressed against Josh"s (John"s? Jack"s?) shoulder— to turn groggily and look through half-closed eyelids at the figure who had just arrived.

"Julian?"

Julian smiled rigidly and put his hands on his hips.

"Hi babe. What the fuck are you doing?"

Alex blinked, dumbfounded, and let his mouth fall open. He blinked again, to make sure he wasn"t seeing things after all the drinks he"d had, and took in the sight of someone he hadn"t seen in a long time.

"Julian!"

Julian sighed and raised his eyebrows in resignation, only to redirect his gaze to Josh-John-Jack in disgust. The bloke was exactly Alex"s type— a bit taller, messy hair— but he wasn"t one for interesting conversation— not that that was what Alex was looking for. (Alex had realized that five minutes after meeting him, when he"d stared shamelessly at Alex"s arse and told him he liked his pants).

Alex"s plastered brain finally became aware of the situation, and he tried to disentangle himself mortified from Probably Josh, who was keeping him close by a hand on Alex"s bottom.

"Woah, what"s up baby?" the bloke asked, voice hoarse and low. Alex wished he would shut the fuck up.

"I"ve to go, sorry, I"ll..."

"He"s with me," Julian interrupted and extracted Alex from his grip by sliding an arm around his waist and yanking him close. Alex lost balance and had to clumsily grab Julian"s arm to not fall to the ground.

"C"mon, man, I was here first," he said grabbing Alex"s wrist. "Find another one."

Julian"s resignation had turned into full anger, and his grip on Alex"s waist tightened. For his part, Alex was having a hard time catching up with the conversation, and the only thing he could do was stare dumbly at his encaptured wrist and hold Julian"s arm tightly.

"Yeah, man , I don"t think so," Julian said, voice filled with venom and he freed Alex"s wrist with a hard yank that made both Alex and the other guy yelp.

"Hey, what the fuck is your problem!?"

Sensing immediate danger, Alex"s brain decided to finally tune in to save the situation. He gave Julian— who had Alex almost entirely pressed against himself in a protective manner— a warning stare and turned to look pacifically at the other bloke.

"Look, Josh." The bloke didn"t react so Alex guessed he was probably correct. "M"really sorry, but I"ve to go now. I"ll see you "round, okay? Promise."

Before Josh could answer, Julian was already tugging him demandingly and steering him towards the exit.

Julian. Julian. Julian , was the chant going through his mind while everything became unfocused and he could only sense his firm grip on his waist and his scent invading Alex"s nostrils. He looked just as Regina had said: pretty rough. The healthy tan he had been sporting at the beginning of the summer had disappeared now that they were in the middle of fall, and his skin looked pale and tired. It was only when Alex"s gaze lowered to his full lips that he realized Julian was talking.

"... thought you got over the party animal phase in 2014, fuck"s sake. Can"t believe I"m still chasing you "round in the middle of the fucking night like an idiot." Julian sounded pissed off, and he was wearing a frown that matched the strong grasp around Alex"s middle.

"Jules?" Alex slurred his name. Julian was still walking them fast through the hazy crowd and turned his face to look at him, eyes on fire.

"If I didn"t know you"re a genius, Al, I would swear you"re a fucking imbecile. Lettin" that guy put his hands all over you..." He shook his head and clenched his jaw. "Fuckin" idiot."

Alex blinked groggily. Had Julian lost weight? Alex couldn"t tell from his oversized clothes, maybe if he pressed a bit closer...

"You jealous?" he asked playfully and threw an arm around Julian to tug him closer.

That was the wrong thing to say, and the wrong thing to do. Julian scoffed in disbelief and anger and apparently became aware of his hand on Alex"s hip, because he retracted it sharply and stepped away— walking even faster to the exit door.

His absence made Alex even more aware of how drunk he actually was, and he tried to focus miserably on putting one foot in front of the other and catch up with Julian without falling over.

"You"re something else, Al," Julian muttered when they reached outside. Alex remembered him whispering the same thing with a smile countless other nights, when Alex had made him laugh so hard they had to stop kissing for a good five minutes and regain their breath. Julian wasn"t smiling now.

""M sorry. That was uncalled for, I know," Alex mumbled in response, and took a big breath of cold night air, trying desperately to sober up as quickly as possible. Julian looked at him from where he was reclined against the brick wall, and his expression softened slightly.

"Are you alright, Al? Did that guy do anything to you?"

He actually sounded worried, which made Alex"s insides churn.

"No, no, "m fine. You didn"t have to... Y"know. Come save me." He tried to keep his tone casual, but his heart was beating fast in his chest. Julian . JulianJulianJulian . He hadn"t seen him in months , and suddenly he was there, showing up in the middle of the night like a ghost in one of Alex"s nightmares, or a white knight in one of his best dreams. "Why... Why are you here?"

Julian sighed and put his hands in his pockets.

"Regina." Of course . "We met again for coffee and she said you looked like shit. Needed... Wanted to see it for myself."

Was Alex looking like shite? He couldn"t tell anymore.

"Well then," he said, gesturing to his body, "What d"you think?"

"You haven"t shaved your head and you"re not trying to grow facial hair again, so not too terrible. Could be worse."

Alex smiled tentatively at that. Julian didn"t return the smile, but at least he wasn"t frowning anymore.

"You"ve looked better though. Is everything..."

"How did you find me?" Alex interrupted.

"Mm. I still have some contacts here and there."

The phrase was so old and so obviously bullshit that Alex couldn"t help but smile harder because of it. Julian was looking at his smile with sad, longing eyes. There was way too much space between them, Alex thought.

He extended his middle and ring finger and mimicked smoking a cigarette, tilting his head slightly to the side, questioning. Julian rolled his eyes but reached inside his pocket to extract a pack of cigarettes. He handed one to Alex and got one for himself, before returning the package to the safety of his jacket. Alex placed it between his lips and made a sound of protest, batting his eyelashes playfully. Julian didn"t seem too amused by him and he sighed, exasperated, but still, he got a bright green lighter out of his other pocket and got closer to light Alex"s cigarette for him, so Alex counted it as a win.

The flames illuminated softly Julian"s face for a second, and the dark circles around his eyes became more obvious and preoccupying under the warm light. A moment later he was already at a safe distance from Alex again.

"You look tired," Alex observed. Julian watched intently the smoke coming out of Alex"s mouth before answering.

"I am. Haven"t been sleeping great recently, if you really wanna know."

"What, scared of going to sleep and dreaming about me?"

The words fell heavy between them, the air charged with electricity and tension, and Julian"s gaze snapped back to his eyes. He finished lighting his own cigarette and returned his lighter to his pocket before speaking.

"I see you read my texts."

Alex took a nervous drag of his cigarette and nodded.

"You could have answered."

Alex blushed.

"I know."

Julian shook his head again disapprovingly and brought his own cigarette up to suck at it. Alex obviously knew smoking was terrible to one"s health, but Julian looked so captivating while doing it that Alex secretly hoped he never quit. I"m a horrible person, he realized.

"You"re an asshole, Alex."

"Sorry. I... Fuck, I dunno. I thought about it a lot, does that count?" Alex said miserably. Julian snorted.

"A little, I guess," Julian muttered, and Alex loved him even more for it.

Alex got closer to him, because speaking with Julian while not touching him felt unnatural to him.

"Wanna tell me what your dream was about?" he asked softly, not wanting to push it too much. He looked at Julian from under his eyelashes, and he returned the gaze with tired eyes.

"I told you."

"Tell me more."

Julian sighed and looked away.

"It was us having sex, Alex. I"m sure you can picture it."

"I wanna hear ya say it."

"Then you should have answered my texts, Alex. I don"t know what to tell you."

Alex deflated, dropping his shoulders and giving up. He stepped back slightly, letting Julian have his space because he was right, Alex should have.

"I dream about you all the time," he whispered, and Julian turned sharply at him, wide-eyed.

"Don"t do that." His voice sounded strained. "You don"t get to do that to me now."

"M"sorry. M"so sorry, baby, please..."

"Don"t call me that."

Alex stared at the cigarette burning between his fingers. He was cold and he was drunk, and he felt like shit. He had thought a lot about seeing Julian again, but he"d never imagined it would go so wrong, so quickly.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked, voice small. Julian bit the inside of his cheek.

"Kinda. Yes." He flicked the cigarette"s ashes to the ground. "Not as much as I should."

Alex sighed in relief. I"ll take what I can .

"I thought you were mad at me. Are you not?"

"No, not really. M"really sorry "bout how I acted, Jules, I mean it. I was mad at first, and then... I couldn"t... I didn"t know how to reach out anymore. Y"know I "ave trouble wording me feelings, and..."

"That"s a bullshit excuse, Alex. I"m not the personification of fucking eloquence myself, you know?"

Alex put a hand on Julian"s arm and swallowed.

"S"not an excuse, Jules, I swear. I... Sorry anyway. You"re right, it"s bullshit."

"You shouldn"t have cut me off like you did, Alex. Do you have any idea how hard these few months have been? I was worried sick about you!" Julian"s eyes were looking down at him, finally letting his desperation run free. "You didn"t have to talk about your goddamn feelings if you didn"t feel like it, Jesus. I just wanted... to hear from you."

"Oh God, I... Bab- Jules." Alex"s mind was scrambling to form a coherent sentence. "Julian, I"m... You..."

You don"t love me like I do . I"m not as young as I used to be, I"m sorry I"m not interesting anymore. You put up with so much of my shite, I don"t deserve it. No one else makes me feel like you do. I love you, I love you, I love you.

"What, Alex!?"

Alex could feel the tears wanting to come out. The party was still going on inside the bar, and he could hear sounds of laughter and people having fun, carelessness and giddiness that made him feel more miserable.

"You... Don"t worry so much "bout me. You don"t "ave to, you"re not me bloody girlfriend, " he let out. Julian"s eyes narrowed.

"I know I"m not your girlfriend, Al, thank you for the reminder. Lately you"ve been treating me as bad as you treat them, though."

Under the depressing streetlights, with his palm on Julian"s arm as his only source of heat, the tears started pouring out of Alex"s eyes.

"I"m so sorry, Jules. You were right. I was jealous. I"m so jealous. I know I "ave no right to be, but I-"

Julian broke down, face pale, and stepped forward, tugging Alex in and hugging him tightly. Alex barely had time to get the hand holding his cigarette away from their bodies before his face was pressed to Julian"s body.

"Fuck"s sake, don"t do this to me. Life must be really easy for you, isn"t it Al? You just bat your pretty eyelashes and make that pouty face, and everyone bends to your command, don"t they?" he said, but his voice lacked any heat, and the hand stroking Alex"s back was comforting.

"I only bat me pretty eyelashes at you," Alex mumbled against his chest, letting his tears soak his shirt, and Julian chuckled humorlessly. He bent down and pressed his mouth to Alex"s ear.

"This doesn"t mean I"m not mad at you, understood?" he whispered, and Alex melted against him, clutching at his jacket.

"I know."

Julian seemed to want to pull away, but at the last moment, he turned his face slightly and placed a chaste kiss on Alex"s wet cheek. Then he stepped back, and he looked as agitated as Alex felt.

"C"mon, let me call you a cab home."

"No, no, I can"t go home." Julian frowned.

"Why not?"

"Louise"s there," he answered dumbly.

"Alex." Julian"s gaze hardened. "Why don"t you wanna go home to your girlfriend?"

Alex blushed and wiped the last tears off his face.

"We broke up."

"You broke up with her? With Louise?" Julian asked in disbelief, opening his eyes wide. Alex tried to remember whether he"d ever heard Julian refer to Louise by her name before.

"No, no. I mean, yes. But it was mutual," he said, defensive, because it was much easier than explaining what had actually happened. (Alex had purposely sabotaged their relationship, for whatever reason, ignoring her and being distant until Louise had snapped and told him to go to hell).

"Then why is she still at your house?" Julian looked so surprised, his face would have been hilarious if Alex hadn"t been bawling just a minute ago.

"I mean, it happened two days ago, I... I wasn"t gonna kick her out like that. M"not that much of an arsehole."

"Wow. Just... Wow. Why now?"

"Uh, well. Things "ad been piling up, and none of us wanted to keep goin" in that situation," Alex said, fighting the small smile that wanted to come out. Julian actually laughed at that, bringing a hand up to cover his eyes.

"God, that"s... You"re single , that"s..."

"What?"

"Just... nothin". I just didn"t expect it." He lowered his hand and stared at Alex with a weird intensity. "Wait, two days ago? Where have you been staying?"

"Oh, that . Um. Just here and there," Alex said, trying to dodge the question, but he was still pretty drunk, and lying wasn"t coming naturally. Julian was unimpressed.

"Alex."

"With some... people, okay?"

"Oh my god. Please tell me you didn"t let a guy fuck you to have a place to stay."

Alex rolled his eyes.

"Don"t be so dramatic, Julian. I could"ve stayed at Matt"s, if I felt like it. M"not selling my body , chrissake. Also, I fucked a bird , not a bloke. Just for your information."

Julian shook his head, exasperated. He got what was left off Alex"s cigarette from his fingers and stubbed it along with his on the ground.

"Whatever. C"mon, let"s go."

"Huh?"

"My place. C"mon."

-

It"s not like Alex had forgotten Julian had moved to L.A. In fact, every time he"d been in public for the past months he"d been on alert, thinking he was going to run into him everywhere he went to. But Alex hadn"t realized that Julian living in L.A. meant he had a place in L.A. Somewhere all for himself, that he"d chosen and decorated and used every day. For Alex, who was used to having Julian always come over to his place, the idea seemed exciting. He fantasized about it on the taxi ride, while Julian kept looking out the window and didn"t touch him .

Julian had a small flat somewhere around Venice Beach (Alex"s orientation got pretty fucked up whenever he drank, so he didn"t get the exact location). Although he had been looking forward to seeing where Julian lived, when they got inside he barely took in his surroundings, too occupied thinking about Julian"s firm grasp on his waist, where he"d wrapped his arm to avoid Alex running into a streetlight.

"Jules. Juules," Alex mumbled, wrapping his own arms around Julian"s shoulders, which made it almost impossible to walk, but the proximity felt nice.

"Ugh. Hands to yourself, Al," he said, annoyed. "How are you drunker than before?"

The brief period of relative sobriety Alex had experienced because of the chilly air hitting his skin had ended with the taxi"s constant movement and the warmth of Julian"s touch.

"Mmm, but it feels so niiice," Alex said, pressing his face into Julian"s collarbone. "You smell so good."

"Well, you don"t," he replied with a dry tone. He somehow managed to turn on a lamp with Alex clinging to his side, but as soon as Alex started kissing the curve of his neck he frantically extracted himself from his embrace and sat down on the sofa.

On the next second, Alex was all over him again, throwing his arms around Julian and pressing his face to his neck, sitting pretty much on his lap.

"Jesus, Al. You"re like every alcoholic"s worst nightmare." 

Alex calmed down a bit at that, getting self-conscious and retracting to look at Julian"s face. He looked tense, and on edge.

"M"sorry. Don"t wanna make you uncomfortable. Just can"t help myself "round you, y"know that."

Julian inhaled shakily at that, tongue coming out to wet his lips. Alex didn"t miss the gesture, and decided to bring a hand up to brush the hair on Julian"s nape. Julian leaned into the touch almost imperceptibly.

"Juliaan," Alex called.

"Mm?"

"Aren"t you gonna give me a kiss?" He turned his voice low and sultry, feeling Julian breathe harder.

"You"re funny. No way."

"Why not?" Julian finally looked at him.

"You"re drunk off your mind Alex. No way."

Alex rolled his eyes and got closer.

"Oh, c"mon, don"t be like that. M"asking for a kiss, not for you to fuck me mouth."

Alex tugged his bottom lip between his teeth slightly, and Julian"s gaze slowly dropped to his mouth.

"Just a kiss. What harm can it do?"

Julian chuckled darkly.

"Y"know it can do a lot of harm, Al."

"C"mon, Jules. A kiss. I know you want it too."

Julian smiled softly. I"ve missed you , Alex thought.

"Mmh. Just one kiss?"

Alex nodded eagerly.

"Just one? Will it be enough?"

"I"ll take what you can give me."

Julian leaned it, face close to Alex"s.

"Promise to be good? Promise to behave?"

Alex nodded again, heart out of control. Julian cupped his jaw in a firm grasp.

"Promise?"

Another nod.

"Words, Alex, c"mon." His grip on Alex"s face tightened. Alex swallowed.

"Promise."

Julian closed the distance between them and pressed his lips hard against Alex"s. Alex melted and sighed into the kiss, tugging at Julian"s hair with his fingers. Julian smiled against his lips, but a moment later tried to pull away. Alex was ready for it though, and he went after him to kiss him again. Julian indulged him, just like he knew he would, and he slipped the hand on his jaw to the back of his neck, tugging him in and deepening the kiss.

Alex moaned into his mouth, Julian"s lips moving slowly against his and their tongues sliding lazily against each other. Julian pressed him back against the cushions, hovering over him and tilting his head to get better access. Alex tugged his hair harder at that and threw his other arm around his neck, feeling Julian sigh into the kiss. Alex hadn"t forgotten Julian was amazing at slow kisses, but it seemed like Julian was giving everything he had in case Alex had, moving his lips seductively in a way that would have Alex"s knees buckling if he hadn"t been sitting down.

Not after long though, Julian pressed a hand gently to Alex"s chest and pulled back, ignoring Alex"s sounds of protest.

"That was way more than one kiss, don"t push it. Also, you taste like shit." His voice was low and hoarse, Alex was close to combusting.

"Fuckin" tease," Alex complained, and Julian smirked as he sat back again. He was enjoying this, Alex thought and clenched his teeth. "Jules, love, c"mon."

"Alex," he warned.

"What? You told me not to call you "baby", is "love" not allowed either?" He got closer to Julian"s side, resting a hand on the inside of his knee. Julian didn"t bother with a response, but he stared at Alex"s hand with intensity.

"Julees," Alex whispered in his ear, "Wanna fuck me mouth?"

Julian groaned, taking Alex"s hand and getting it away from his legs, not looking so amused now. But now his hand was on Alex"s, and he took the opportunity to hold it and bring it up to his lips. Alex kissed his palm, his knuckles, his fingernails, all while staring into Julian"s eyes.

"I made a perfectly reasonable proposition, are you not gonna say anything?"

Julian looked flustered.

"No, Al. I"m not fucking your mouth."

"Mmh, you sure?" he whispered, and right after got two of Julian"s fingers in his mouth and started sucking shamelessly. Julian gasped, and not even a second later, he got his fingers out of Alex"s mouth, leaving him open-mouthed and wanting.

"Alex!"

Alex whined and actually tried pouting again, which would have mortified him on a sober state, but he thought the circumstances demanded it. Julian averted his gaze and took a big, calming breath before changing topics abruptly.

"Stop it, Al. Listen to me. Have I ever told you how I quit drinking?"

No, and Alex couldn"t care less at the moment.

"I did it all by myself. I decided I wasn"t gonna drink anymore and I stopped. No help from anyone."

That got Alex"s attention.

"What d"you mean? You didn"t follow a program, or..."

"Nothing. It wasn"t easy, but I did it all by myself," he said. Alex blinked at him, surprised, half-heartedly thinking he wouldn"t be able to do it, and getting scared of what that meant.

"D"you know what that should tell you about me?" Julian was close to him again.

"What?" Alex mumbled, looking at his lips.

"I have crazy amounts of self-control when I want to."

Alex snorted and got to action: he pushed Julian back into the cushions and threw a leg over his lap, ending sitting astride him and pressing his erection against Julian"s body. Julian gasped, and his hands automatically flew to Alex"s hips.

"Even when it comes to me?"

Julian didn"t respond and gasped again when Alex rolled his hips down provocatively, swallowing visibly as he looked down to Alex"s straining pants. Just a moment later though, he got out of his stupor and opened his legs slightly, moving Alex to the side by the grip on his hips so he was straddling his leg and his arse wasn"t directly on top of his own cock. Alex didn"t give in so easily though, and pressed himself hard against Julian"s side, burying his face on the curve of his neck.

"Jules, baby, please . Can"t you see how hard I am for you?" Julian didn"t comment on the pet name, and actually, didn"t say anything at all, but his harsh breathing told Alex he had noticed.

"D"you not want me anymore? M"sorry I"m not her," Alex mumbled, and that hadn"t been in his initial plan, but his words became more and more honest as he ran his hand through Julian"s chest. "D"you not want me "cause I don"t "ave huge tits and can"t go three rounds in a row?"

Julian laughed lightly at that, wrapping an arm around Alex"s back in an attempt at a hug.

"You"re ridiculous when you"re this drunk, Al. When have I been able to go three rounds in a row?" Julian"s soft voice sadly wasn"t doing anything to diminish Alex"s hard-on. "I like you just as you are, don"t worry."

Alex frowned against his neck.

"Then why not?"

"Told you. You"re too fucked up."

"Oh, c"mon. I"ll let you do anythin" you want to me. Whatever you want, I don"t care, I"ll take it," he mumbled, voice pleading. "I didn"t behave earlier, I wasn"t good. You wanna punish me? Hurt me?"

"Jesus Christ, Alex, are you hearing yourself?" The light tone was gone from his voice, and he pulled back to look at Alex in the face, stunned. "Who the fuck thinks that is a turn-on? Who have you been hanging out with?"

Alex shuddered in front of Julian"s worried face.

"You don"t want me," he muttered, voice small. Julian frowned and took a hand up to brush Alex"s cheek.

"Now you"re definitely being ridiculous. Of course I want you, Al. I always want you," he said, stroking Alex"s back with his other hand. "Always, except when you"re like this."

"But I need you ."

"Oh no, what you need is a good night"s sleep," he responded, finally moving Alex softly away from his legs and sitting him down on the sofa.

"You didn"t use to care so much "bout whether I was drunk or not, back in the day," Alex said, questioning. Julian sighed.

"I want to think we never did it with you this fucked up, but... I don"t know." He sounded regretful. "In any case, I did many mistakes I"m not proud of. Trying hard not to repeat them."

"What about hooking up with me when I was twenty? Was that also a mistake?"

Julian raised his eyebrows.

"I see what you"re saying. You"re talking about Kaya, right? You"re saying I"m repeating my mistakes?"

Alex shrugged.

"Maybe." Julian sighed again and put on a pained expression.

"I think you"re right. That"s why I broke up with her."

"You... You broke up?" Alex tried not to sound too hopeful.

"I mean, I don"t know if you can "break up" if technically you"re not dating, but yeah. I should have never done it in the first place, I feel horrible "bout it."

Alex"s heart was going fast. Do you feel horrible about us too? .

"We"re eight years apart, Jules. I don"t think it"s that much." Julian smiled at that.

"Are you trying to convince me, Alex? You don"t have to, we"ve been doing this for far too long to stop and consider whether it"s morally correct at this point. It"s probably not a big deal now, but still, you were too young the first time, and you looked up to me. I shouldn"t have."

Alex frowned. He always remembered the first time with nostalgia and a bit of embarrassment of his own inexperience, but he"d never regretted it.  I still look up to you.

"Do you... regret it?"

"Eh, not exactly. But I still shouldn"t have. It"s something that has always bothered me, and I went and did it again, but much, much worse this time. I don"t know what possessed me to go out with a twenty-year-old , Jesus."

"Yeah, I thought the same thing."

Julian"s smile was tired, but not unkind.

"Alex."

"Mmh?"

"Are you really okay? Breaking up with your girlfriend out of the blue," It was mutual! "Going out with those kinds of people. You... worry me."

"M"fine, Jules. Really." Alex"s body felt very heavy. "I missed you, though."

"You have a funny way of showing it. It"s very ironic that you"re here saying you missed me and worrying "bout where I want you or not, you realize that, right? You"re the one that"s been ignoring me, Al."

Alex sighed. Julian put a hand on his shoulder tentatively. He didn"t look mad anymore.

"I know. I don"t know why..." Alex didn"t even know what he didn"t know. "I want you to know, I didn"t mean it. Everything I said. "Twas all bullshit."

Julian nodded, and did little circles on his shoulder with his thumb. Suddenly, Alex felt very tired: he had gone past the point where being drunk stopped being fun and desirable to become unbearably uncomfortable. His eyes felt heavy, and he just wanted to curl around Julian, who looked soft and inviting under the lamp"s warm light, and rest.

"Do you want to sleep?" Julian asked, face filled with tenderness.

"No, no, I"m fine, s"fine," Alex said, and even his voice was tired. He didn"t want to sleep though, because then he would wake up the next day to face Julian in broad daylight, without alcohol helping him speak. Or worse, Julian would kick him out first thing in the morning and they would never talk again.

"I"ll tell you what we"ll do. If you get up now, get cleaned up a bit, and get in bed, I"ll kiss you some more, how does that sound?"

Alex pretended to think about it, already convinced.

"Mmm, only kisses?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Is it a take-it-or-leave-it kinda deal?"

Julian rolled his eyes.

"Are you quoting my own songs to me now?"

Alex smiled and Julian laughed at him before helping him get up.

Julian put an arm around Alex"s shoulders and guided him to his kitchen. He got a glass, filled it with water, and offered it to Alex carefully, who hadn"t realized how thirsty he had been until that moment.

"Drink, slowly," he ordered, and Alex did, having trouble moving with his limbs growing so heavy. Julian"s eyes were full of kindness, Alex wondered if he looked at other people like that.

"Want more?" Julian asked and Alex nodded silently. Julian was probably as tired as him, but he didn"t let it show and he didn"t rush him, he just retreated Alex"s glass to fill it once again.

The sight of him was comforting, and strangely familiar: the bags under his eyes, his expression under the soft light coming from the living room. Suddenly, Alex"s chest started hurting terribly from looking at him, his throat feeling tight and suffocating.

"Julian," Alex called, gripping the cold kitchen counter for stability. "Julian, I love you."

The night"s tranquility shattered. Julian dropped the glass, making it crash and shatter as well into a million pieces. He didn"t look at it though, his wide-eyed gaze was fixed on Alex; he looked shocked, and bewildered, and incredibly sad.

"Alex?"

"You fucking heard me," Alex blurted out, voice strained and filled with pain.

"Jesus fucking Christ. God, get out of there."

"What?"

"Fuck, I mean, you"re gonna cut yourself, be careful." Julian swallowed and crossed over to Alex, avoiding stepping into any cutting glass. He blinked at him for a second before steering Alex back to the living room, stroking his back up and down. Alex"s eyes were wet with tears.

"Are you not gonna say anything?" Alex asked with a small voice.

Julian breathed in and out shakily and bit his lip.

"Tomorrow. Let"s sleep now, and we"ll talk tomorrow."

"M"sorry Jules, I shouldn"t "ave sai-"

"No, God, Alex, stop apologizing!" he exclaimed, and how was any of them going to sleep after getting so agitated? "Baby, s"okay, trust me. We"ll just talk about it tomorrow, "kay?"

When Alex nodded shakily Julian let out a long sigh in relief.

He took Alex to the bathroom and gave him a toothbrush and one of his old T-Shirts to change into (it said: The Velvet Underground ), and Alex had to reassure him twice he wouldn"t fall and split his head in two before Julian agreed to leave him to go change himself. Alex looked at his reflection in the mirror for a long time while brushing his teeth. He did look like shite, he decided, and definitely not as young as he used to be. His eyes seemed tired and his shoulders were deflated, but Julian didn"t seem to mind too much so Alex couldn"t find a reason to care himself.

Back in Julian"s bedroom, he was already under the covers, looking anxiously up at Alex. Alex got in bed as well, and as soon as his back touched the mattress he felt more relaxed: Julian"s scent was strong and all around him, it felt like a hug. The actual Julian hugged him too, getting him safely between his arms and staying true to his promise; he started giving chaste little pecks to all of Alex"s face, and especially his lips. Alex closed his eyes and let the sensation take over him, sinking under the covers and deciding for once not to worry about it, at least until the morning.

"Jules," he whispered, keeping his eyes closed."Stay with me."

"M"right here."

"No, I mean, stay with me, all the time. Forever."

And that was probably pushing it, but his eyelids had grown heavy and he was starting to slip out of consciousness. He barely registered Julian giving one last kiss to his temple before saying:

"Night, Al. Sleep well."

-

"Mornin""

Alex must have heard incorrectly, because there was no way it was already morning.

"Babe, wake up."

Alex groaned and turned around, accidentally making the light coming in from the windows hit his entire face. He groaned and covered his face with his hands as best as he could, head pounding.

"Alex!"

Alex looked at Julian, who was hovering over him, from between his fingers. His hair was dripping wet, presumably from having taken a shower, and he was dressed up, as if ready to leave. (His T-Shirt said: Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss M e). His eyes were searching Alex"s face anxiously.

"Mornin"," he repeated, putting on a nervous smile. "I"m so sorry about this, but I have to leave. I"d forgotten I had to do some important stuff today, I"m sorry."

Alex frowned, mind still sleepy.

"What? Now?"

"Yeah, it"s urgent stuff. I"ve to get going, I don"t know when I"ll be back."

Julian looked like he didn"t know what to do with his hands, fingers playing with his rings. Alex half-wished he would get them under the covers and on Alex"s body.

"Are you kickin" me out?" Alex mumbled.

"No, no! You can stay here, you don"t have to leave. I mean, unless you want to, of course. I"ll try to be back after lunch, but I don"t..." He bit his lip nervously. "I would like you to stay."

Alex smiled at him, because he looked like he needed it.

""kay"

Julian sighed in relief and brought a hand up to brush his wet hair back.

"Alright, good. I-I"ll see you later, then," he said, and he started to incorporate, only to bend back down again a moment later and kiss Alex"s forehead softly. He smelled like his shampoo and coffee, and the wet strands of his hair brushed Alex"s skin.

"You look gorgeous when you"re sleeping," he whispered, and right after got out without looking back, or saying goodbye.

Alex was asleep before the front door slammed shut.

-

When Alex waked up again it was mid-morning, and his hangover was in full swing. He took a long time to get out of bed, staring at the ceiling and marveling at the softness of Julian"s sheets against his skin. He could see through the windows that the day had an uncharacteristic, horrible weather for LA— the kind with grey, depressing skies that always made Alex miss terribly Sheffield, and his mother.

When he finally got the energy to get up, he took the aspirin Julian had thoughtfully left for him on the nightstand and headed to the bathroom to take a necessary shower — hoping Julian wouldn"t mind, even if he used up what was left of his shampoo and a preoccupying amount of hot water. He put on another of Julian"s T-shirts when he was finished (it said: Do The Right Thing ), and, admittedly, went through his closet and his jewelry, finding some horrifying fashion crimes that he actually considered setting on fire.

He lazed around Julian"s flat all day, nursing his hangover and doing some much-needed thinking. He investigated pretty much everything Julian possessed, which was probably a bit creepy, but if Julian minded he shouldn"t have let such a private part of himself open to Alex, who was desperate to know everything about him.

His record collection was extensive: they agreed on a lot more than Alex would have thought, even though Julian had lots of records of genres and underground artists Alex had embarrassingly never heard of. (He had every single record Alex had done, and even some Beatles stuff, which made Alex want to reprimand him for the hypocrisy).

Alex found tons of films they had seen together at the theatre in his DVD shelf, and tons of others Alex vaguely remembered recommending to him. He"d never thought Julian had been paying attention. It seemed like he had.

In his living room he found: political books, seemingly unfinished, scattered around (and some George Orwell, special editions. Nice ); not many, but some framed pictures of Juliet, the rest of The Strokes, and surprisingly, Julian"s father; a pillow of The Velvet Underground "s banana, which Alex found hilarious and seriously considered stealing.

(Alex found the Paris polaroid of himself kept safely in a drawer. He still had his old long hair in it, which was messy and indicated, along with his dazed expression, that he"d just had a great shag. He was on his side on the hotel bed, with a hand resting on his belly; the picture stopped low on his hips so nothing too scandalous could be seen, but still, there was something incredibly provocative about it. Alex kind of wished Julian kept it with the rest of them, in plain sight, even though that was an insane idea.)

He also found a beaten-up, small notebook on his nightstand. When he opened it, he was met with a full page of doodles, crossed-out words, and additions written in the margins, usually in different colours. Lyrics , Alex thought, and quickly closed the notebook without reading anything. Too much .

When he had enough of snooping around, he made himself a sandwich from the few edible things on Julian"s fridge and remembered, as he often did, those few summer months after he"d broken up with Arielle but still hadn"t met Taylor. Alex usually thought of that time as their peak, the perfection he could never reach again: pool water, cigarette smoke on a scorching day, sweat on Alex"s thighs when they circled Julian"s torso, teeth biting down on his neck. It wasn"t easy not to romanticize it, and Alex usually took the easy way out.

But, he now realized, that wasn"t what he wanted either, not anymore. He didn"t want a summer romance, where Julian had to sneak out from his wife and fly all the way to LA to see Alex; where Alex was in constant paranoia of someone showing up unexpectedly and catching them. No, he thought while looking at Julian"s barely-used kitchen. He didn"t want it restricted to his house and his pool: he wanted it everywhere , and he wanted all of it — all of him.

The realization wasn"t all that surprising, but it did surprise Alex how much comfort it brought him. It meant what he"d blurted out the previous night hadn"t been a mistake: even if Julian didn"t reciprocate his feelings— and Alex admitted that was a scary but probable outcome— it was what Alex had needed to say, and he didn"t regret it.

-

"I didn"t expect to find you still here."

Alex could get used to being waked up to Julian smiling at him.

"Ugh, I fell asleep again," Alex mumbled, still not entirely conscious. He glanced out the windows: at least it was still day, and his hungover was mostly gone by now.

"Did you have a good day?"

Alex blinked groggily at him. Julian was sitting on the edge of the bed, almost touching Alex"s legs. Alex wished he would touch them.

"Uh, sure."

Julian"s tender, attentive gaze was making Alex self-conscious: he had just taken the world"s best nap and it probably showed on his face.

"I see you borrowed my shirt," he said, and brought a hand to touch the " Do" on " Do The Right Thing". It was coincidentally right on Alex"s nipple. "Nice pick. Spike Lee"s best."

"No, it"s not." Julian laughed.

"Yes, it is."

Alex rolled his eyes and Julian pressed his hand harder on him. Alex"s skin burned at the touch, his mind still half-plugged to the dream he"d been having. Julian brought his other hand to his body and started tickling him playfully.

"Oh no, bloody hell, stop it!"

That made Julian smile harder and come closer. Alex scrambled to get the covers over his body, but Julian — still misinterpreting Alex"s state — grabbed the corner of the sheet and yanked it away, revealing all of him.

"Well, wow."

Alex had no pants on, and he was unbearably hard, erection straining uncomfortably his boxers. Julian was frozen looking at it, letting his mouth fall partially open while his fingers tensed around the sheet he was still grabbing.

Fuck . Alex let his head fall back into the pillows with a shaky exhale, face burning. Julian cleared his throat.

"I"m guessing that"s not from me tickling you," he said, with a low voice, still keeping his gaze on Alex"s lower body.

"I-I was dreaming," Alex blurted out, and then he added, without thinking: "About you."

Julian inhaled sharply and slowly raised his gaze until it settled on Alex"s face. He looked agitated, eyebrows raised and hands turned into fists. One of them was next to Alex"s hip, so close Alex could feel the warmth emanating from it.

"Y"know I love hearing "bout your dreams. They"re always so... vivid," he said. Alex needed more than anything in the world to get some relief, for Julian to apply some pressure on his cock. "Care to share?"

Alex swallowed, throat dry.

""Twas... Remember that time, in a bathroom... At someone"s house, I think "twas one of the Gallagher brothers, I dunno." Alex was struggling to speak, turned on as he was, with Julian"s penetrating eyes on him. "You... You bent me over the sink, and..."

"And I fucked you like that, I remember." Julian pressed one of his hands flat on the inside of Alex"s thigh, making him gasp. "We were reckless, back in the day, eh?"

""Twas mental, dunno what we were thinkin""

"My guess is we weren"t thinking." It was now Julian"s turn to swallow. "Jesus, you couldn"t stop moaning. I had to put my hand over your mouth "cause our friends were literally five steps away, remember?"

Alex nodded shakily, having a hard time believing Julian was trying to have a " remember when " conversation when Alex was hard as a rock.

"D"you think about it often?" Julian"s voice had dropped an octave. Another shaky, eager nod. "God, baby, you"re so fucking hard. That looks like it hurts."

Alex let out a breathy sound as a response. He"d woken up a full hard-on, not even a semi, and it was ruining all his plans for the evening (sitting Julian down, having a sensible conversation). Julian looked as he was having a hard time not staring at it, not touching it.

"God, but we really need to talk. I swear I didn"t come here to... Fuck, but you"re so pretty." The sweetness of the compliment made Alex laugh lightly.

"I think you"re right, we should..." Julian bit the inside of his cheek and moved his hand up to touch his underwear, feather-light. Alex"s hips twitched. "Bloody hell, Jules, either do it or not, stop fucking around."

But Julian didn"t seem to be listening to him. He hooked his thumb under the waistband of his boxers and frowned. "Al, are these mine?"

Alex looked down, and the sight of Julian"s fingers so close to where he wanted them almost made him grab his hand and force it to do what Alex needed. His lip was starting to hurt from biting down so hard.

"I... I took a shower. Wasn"t gonna wear my dirty underwear again, was I?" Julian"s boxers were a little bit big on him, but not enough to be uncomfortable. "Julian?" he asked, because Julian wouldn"t take his eyes— which had turned dark, and hungry— off his boxers on Alex"s body.

"You"re a fucking tease, Alex," he finally muttered, tongue coming out to wet his bottom lip. Alex opened his mouth to complain, because it"s not like he"d had any other option. "No, shut up. Wait, no, I didn"t mean it like that, sorry. Just... don"t say anything. Let"s not talk now."

Julian was letting nonsense rush out his mouth, face flushed. Alex glanced down and realized with a sharp inhale that he was also hard.

"But, Jules, shouldn"t we..."

"No, no, fuck it. I need to put my mouth on you, now." He bent down and pressed a kiss on the inside of Alex"s thigh. "What"s another mistake, anyway?"

And Alex"s self-control had never been particularly strong, especially when it came to Julian. He grabbed his hair and guided him to where he wanted him. Julian mouthed against his clothed cock for a moment but didn"t waste much time before shoving the boxers down harshly. Alex very nearly moaned, and his cock hadn"t even been touched yet. But then, Julian put his hand around him and Alex let out a shout.

"Julian!" he warned. Julian blinked at him for a moment before realizing and releasing his grip with a gasp. He started frantically apologizing and taking his rings off— the amount of them was honestly ridiculous— only to drop them carelessly to the floor. Alex incorporated to look at him, smiling at the sight: Julian was red-faced and sweaty, his probably expensive rings were scattered at his feet, his hands were trembling and he was cursing like a sailor with the effort to do it as quick as possible.

"Jules," Alex called, his voice soft.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he struggled. He was tugging a particularly big one, in the form of a skull, which Alex found hilarious. "It"s stuck!"

"Jules, baby."

"Wait, just a sec. I"ll get it out, promise." He looked so ridiculously desperate and anxious to get the ring out, it melted Alex"s heart.

"Julian," he repeated and cupped his face between his hands. "It"s okay, just calm down."

Julian let go of his hand and looked at Alex with pleading eyes, breathing harshly. Alex"s smile was a full grin by now, and Julian relaxed considerably at the sight of it. He threaded his fingers through Alex"s hair and pulled him up slightly to kiss him at last.

And Alex loved being in full control of his body for this part: Julian sighing into the kiss, tugging him closer demandingly, kissing him slowly until Alex felt like he was floating. But even if Alex would let Julian kiss him all day, when he sensed his grip didn"t have that hysterical nature in it anymore, he pulled away gently to look at him.

"I think we really need to talk."

Julian looked at him through half-closed eyelids, giving him those bedroom eyes he knew drove Alex crazy, but still nodded slowly.

"You"re right."

Alex cleared his throat and tried to fix his hair.

"Right, well. Why don"t you go wait in the kitchen while I... get ready?"

Meaning: I have to think really hard about my bandmates naked so I can have a meaningful conversation, so get out of here .

Julian smirked and took one last look at Alex"s crotch before kissing his cheek and getting out. Alex watched him leave his own bedroom and prayed to dear God that the conversation they were about to have turned out well, because if he lost Julian he seriously didn"t know what he would do.

Only one way to find out.

-

"Are you seriously making tea now?"

"Eh... Maybe."

Alex smiled at the boiling kettle. Julian was fidgeting, getting his fingers up every couple of moments to brush his hair, only to get them back down to stick them in his pockets right after.

"Jules, are you nervous?"

""Nervous"? Al, I"m scared shitless," he confessed, smiling anxiously.

I"m the one that said "I love you", why do you get to be the scared one? Alex didn"t say. Julian looked kind of cute like that, he thought, like he was trying to make himself look smaller.

"Don"t be. Mostly I... Wanted to apologize."

"Again? Alex, you don"t have..."

"No, no, let me talk," Alex interrupted. "Last night I was out of me mind, I shouldn"t "ave thrown myself at you like that, "twas... Inappropriate."

Julian scoffed.

"Inappropriate?"

"I mean, tryin" to get you to touch me when you said no, "twasn"t okay."

"You know I didn"t mind as much as I said I did." Alex"s cheeks were already turning red. God, he hated having to put words to his thoughts.

"Yeah, but still. Also, it was really shitty of me to be that drunk around you. S"unfair to make you take care of me in that state, I know you..."

"I"m the one that asked you to come here, Al," Julian interrupted, and he seemed more focused now. "Alcohol has already taken many things from my life. So, yes, it"s hard. But I"m not gonna let it stop me from taking care of you, if you need it."

Alex"s heart did a dangerous backflip in his chest.

"I already told you, I was fine there. Maybe Josh last night wasn"t exactly a gentleman, but nothing was gonna happen to me."

"That"s what you think. Alright, maybe fucking Josh wasn"t gonna do anything to you, but if you keep fucking around with guys like that, someone is gonna recognize you, leak it to the press and ruin your career," Julian said harshly. Alex blinked at him, because that wasn"t what he was expecting.

" What? "

"C"mon, Al, you can"t be so naïve. If you like fooling around with men, you have to be more discreet."

Why? was the question on Alex"s mind.

"That"s what you were worried about last night?"

Julian chuckled and looked away, turning the kettle off.

"Well, that and I also was very jealous, but yeah."

Alex kept silent, thinking about what Julian had said and about what to say next for a few moments.

"Have you told anyone? That you fancy blokes, I mean," he ended up asking, because he"d been wondering for a long time. Julian took a few seconds before answering.

"Em, not exactly. Back in the day, "cause I was an idiot and we thought it was hilarious, we used to kiss each other a lot. The Strokes , I mean. Just to have a laugh. And because we were high all the time, but that"s another story." Julian never seemed to like talking about the past. "Once I realized I actually liked it, I was too worried about them thinking I liked them, or something like that, so I never said anything."

"So they don"t know?" Albert knows, he remembered.

"Oh no, they do. I never told them, but I did use to go out with guys pretty often. Some of them you might know," he clarified, ending with a tiny smirk. Alex opened his eyes wide.

"Oh, let me guess: Jack White, am I wrong?"

"Mmh," Julian uttered.

"Yeah, I knew it."

"Anyway," Julian rolled his eyes dismissively. "They know. Juliet knows, of course, she saw most of it happen. M"sure The Voidz know as well, but I"ve never asked. It was hard not to notice when you came into the picture, obviously."

"And you"ve never had the urge to tell "em?" Alex frowned, and Julian snorted.

"No, have you?" Julian asked as if he expected Alex to answer that no, of course he hadn"t.

"Yeah, of course I have. I told "em."

Julian stopped, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"You have?"

"Sure. Only the Monkeys , and they probably knew already, but yeah."

Julian looked at him intently, and in silence, for a good while. Alex could practically see the gears turning in his head.

"Huh. Wow. I didn"t expect that."

"Why not?" His assumptions were annoying Alex.

"I... I don"t know," he confessed and shook his head. "And did you, uh, tell them about me? Or about any of the others... Your friend, Mi-" Alex saved him from the embarrassment.

"No. I mean, I didn"t think "twas fair to you," Julian frowned at that, and opened his mouth to say something. "And you have to stop about that, Julian. There haven"t been that many besides you."

Julian sighed and closed his mouth. Do the other ones bother you?

"S"none of my business anyway. I"ve always known there were others, it"s no surprise. I wouldn"t ask you to get rid of them, of course. Not when we"re all literally seconds to your girlfriend of the moment at any time."

You"re not my second, a nd Do you want to be the only one? is what Alex thought.

"Was... Was I your only one?" is what Alex asked with a cautious voice, not wanting to add " Besides your wife. "

"I texted you that," Julian said, and he looked strangely sheepish. "Why would I lie?"

"Fuck, I don"t know, maybe "cause that"s a bit extreme?"

Julian"s shyness disappeared and his gaze hardened.

"Extreme to you, maybe. See, that"s the problem, Alex. Have you ever been in a completely monogamous relationship, ever?"

Alex sensed the conversation had changed, and Julian wasn"t talking about the past, or the others.

"Em, I think..." Alex scrambled to say, because the answer was no, he probably hadn"t.

"Yeah, I thought so." Alex"s blood burned at that.

"Do I have to remind you you"ve also never been monag-monogam- man- Fuck! You cheated on your wife for years!"

"It"s not the same thing, Alex, and you know it. With Juliet it was only you."

"How is that any different, and what does this have to do with anything ?"

Julian narrowed his eyes and came closer, looking down at Alex.

"It means, Alex, that you would never be happy with only one person. And that"s okay, it"s you, you can"t help it. But s"not me."

"What do you..."

"I mean that I would never be happy sharing you," Julian said, and his voice was filled with pain. Alex looked up at him, wide-eyed "I"ve done it for years, and I fucking hate it. I would want you all for myself."

"Julian." Alex was struck, "What the fuck."

Julian didn"t respond, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

"Why the fuck do you say that? Are you considering a... relationship with me, or what?" Alex felt incredibly stupid asking that.

""Considering a relationship", that"s funny. I"ve been "considering a relationship" for a long time, Al," he said, bitter, and Alex had to have some hearing problems, because, how could that be? "And I was mostly telling you why it wouldn"t work."

" Why it wouldn"t work , what- Oh my god, Jules, do you want me to bloody say it again? I love you , you idiot!" Alex exclaimed in disbelief, and Julian flinched. "Why wouldn"t it work, if I love you?"

Julian"s jaw was practically on the floor. He took a step back.

"You meant it?"

Alex wanted very badly to slap him.

"Yeah, of course I fucking meant it. And you already knew that, so don"t act dumb on me now."

"I didn"t know that, Alex."

Julian looked genuinely confused, and it made Alex"s anger increase rapidly.

"Don"t fucking lie to me, Jules. I"ve tried to tell you for years, and you always stop me. You fucking knew."

"No, Alex, what I know is that you say the first thing that comes to your mind when you"re drunk, half-asleep, or with my cock up your ass," he said, bewildered, and took one hand up to tug at his own hair. "The only thing I did was stop you from saying something you would regret."

Oh my fucking god .

"You"re fucking unbelievable, Julian. What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Alex"s eyes started itching with unshed tears, but he held them back. If he started crying right there he would never forgive himself. "Who are you to tell me what I think, or stop thinking? How the fuck do you know what I"m gonna regret? Here"s the answer: you don"t. If I say I love you, you have to believe I mean it!"

When Alex had finished shouting, he realized it was Julian who"d started tearing up. He was trying to regain some composure, his hand leaving his hair to cover his face, but his eyelashes were wet and his eyes were red and glassy.

"Jesus, Alex, I"m not trying to speak for you," he said with a shaky voice. "I was just... I..."

Alex would have thought it was funny how Julian was the speechless one for once, but the last thing he felt like doing at that moment was laughing.

"You, uh... I"m..."

"Julian," Alex tried to interrupt because he couldn"t do it with him crying.

"How... How am I supposed to believe you love me when... When you treat me like you do?" It seemed like it pained him to let those words out of his mouth, which Alex found surprising, because if Julian had always been one thing with Alex it was direct, and sure of his own words. "You get angry at me, and don"t tell me why. You ignore me for months, and then come back crying. You keep me at arm"s length at all times. None of your friends know about me. I"m not even the only one you cheat on your girlfriend with, Alex, for fuck"s sake. Tell me, is that how you treat someone you love?"

It was Alex"s turn to be at loss for words. Julian had his head dropped, staring at the floor so Alex wouldn"t see his face, and he was gripping the kitchen counter so hard, his knuckles turned white. Alex realized they were standing in the same spot the glass had broken the previous night, and that Julian must have had cleaned it up before leaving in the morning.

"I didn"t know that was how you felt," is what he ended up muttering.

"I wasn"t planning on saying anything. I"ve always known I, uh, was more interested in you than you were in me. S"okay."

If Julian had looked up in that moment he would have found Alex stunned, because he"d always thought exactly the opposite.

"Jules, I"m... I"m so sorry," Alex said, and he wondered whether they would ever stop making mistakes so he could stop apologizing. "I"ve never seen it that way. I thought this was how you... Preferred it."

Julian finally looked up at him, and he didn"t seem to be crying anymore, but the circles under his eyes were still humid.

"How can this be what I prefer, Alex?" He sounded bitter and tired, Alex felt like curling over himself and disappearing.

"I thought you, uh." He cleared his throat. "Stopped me from saying it "cause you wanted to, y"know. Keep having sex without dealing with my feelings."

Julian looked at him like he was daft.

"That is the dumbest thing I"ve ever heard, Al. I"m the one that insists you talk about your goddamn feelings all the time, why the fuck would I be scared of dealing with them?"

Alex dropped his head, embarrassed.

"Fuck me, I don"t know. You"ve never given any indications that you wanted sumthin"... different either, alright?"

Do you want something different?

"Look at me, Al," he said, and Alex raised his head to find him watching him. "I know it sounds stupid, but I had my reasons. I told you, years ago, I don"t think we"re good for each other." Alex clenched his teeth.

"What reasons?" Fuck your reasons!

"Well," Julian looked shy again. "You would get bored of me, for starters."

Alex shook his head, bothered.

"You"re a stubborn piece of shite, eh? I just told you, stop telling me what it"s in my mind! I know it better than you do, thank you, and it"s physically impossible for me to get bored of you. It"s not gonna happen."

Julian didn"t believe him, Alex could tell.

"But, the press..."

"Oh, don"t give me that! You were literally just dating a twenty-one-year-old! Julian, you don"t give a fuck about the press," Alex exclaimed, and stepped closer to him. "What are you doing? Why are you giving me excuses?"

Julian opened his mouth to talk, but nothing came out. His hands released his iron grip on the kitchen counter and came to hang awkwardly on his sides.

"Stop it, Jules." Alex"s voice was small but decisive. "If you"re gonna reject me, just do it already, stop whatever this is. I-I can"t take it anymore."

Julian was looking down at him with surprised, frightened eyes.

"Reject you? Al, that"s not it. Fuck, I thought it was obvious." Alex wasn"t used to noticing so much desperation in his voice, to see him out of control. Julian took a big, shaky breath before speaking again, lowering his voice until it was almost a whisper. "I love you too. Of course I do, Jesus. I love you so, so much."

"You... You do?"

Julian nodded.

"Bloody hell, Jules, why didn"t you start there?" He let out a nervous, startled laugh. His heart was beating impossibly fast in his chest. "You love me?"

Julian sighed, and Alex got right in front of him to take his hands in his own.

"I love you."

"Then what"s wrong?" he asked softly, their noses almost touching. Julian opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He looked lost, and on the verge of crying again. Alex"s heart contracted painfully. "S"okay, take your time," he whispered, and took one of Julian"s hands, safely held by his own, to his lips to place encouraging little kisses to his knuckles. Julian watched him doing it, breathing harshly.

"I don"t think I"m scared of your feelings. I"m scared of my own."

Alex looked up at him, lips still pressed to his palm while he waited for Julian to continue.

"I love you so much, Al." Julian sounded young and scared, and Alex realized they"d reached a level of honesty they hadn"t touched before. "And... I"ve fucked up everything I"ve loved. My... My music, and my marriage, and my friendships. And I can"t fuck this up too. I can"t, you"re too..."

"Jules, stop," Alex interrupted, stunned. "C"mon, don"t say that. If I didn"t know you"re a genius I would think you"re daft, or something." He reluctantly let go of Julian"s hands to throw his arms around his shoulders and pull him in for a hug. "I love the way your brain works, baby, but not even you can read minds, or predict the future," he mumbled against his ear. Julian let out a breathy chuckle.

"You"re right, it"s just..."

"I know I"m right, so stop doing it." Julian"s body finally relaxed against him. He buried his face on Alex"s shoulder and brought his arms to wrap around his waist. Alex kissed his temple. "I want to be with you. I don"t care "bout any outside shite, I"ve waited too long."

Julian"s hands tensed on his waist and his breath stuttered. Alex caught up before he could even say anything.

"Hey, Jules, no. Look at me." He pulled away slightly to look at his face. Julian"s grip intensified. His eyes were turning glassy and unfocused, like they always did when his mind went to that horrible, dark place. "Stay with me, alright? Don"t be scared."

Julian seemed to find something in Alex"s eyes that made him calm down, and he nodded slowly, but he didn"t say anything. Alex took it as a sign to go on.

"I can"t predict the future either. I can"t promise you it"ll be alright. And I"m also horrible at relationships, you know I am. But I promise to try with everything I have, Jules, I promise," Alex begged, and if that didn"t work he didn"t know what he would do, because he had just poured his heart out to Julian, basically letting it unguarded so he could break it like the glass had broken the night before. And Alex knew that if he broke it he wouldn"t be able to piece it back together.

He didn"t care, he decided. This is what I want .

"You want to try?" Julian finally responded, voice small.

"I want to. I really do."

At last, Julian gave him a small smile, the gesture making his tired, slightly puffy, eyes light up.

"Well, you know I can"t deny you anything," he said, bringing his hands up to Alex"s shoulders. "I guess I don"t have any self-control when it comes to you."

A huge grin appeared on Alex"s face, who decided to take Julian"s T-Shirt"s advice and pull him down by the grip on his neck to kiss him passionately.

Julian made a strangled sound and pulled him closer, pressing his body hard against Alex"s while their lips moved frantically against each other. It felt like a reunion, but also the start of something new. There was an element of insanity in all of it; Julian"s hands were shaking and all the I love you "s Alex was always keeping in his head were coming out unrestrained when Julian started kissing his neck. Julian was also mumbling against his skin, his nails digging into Alex"s back through his T-Shirt, and after a moment Alex realized that he was repeating the same thing over and over: I"m scared, I"m so scared.

And so Alex kissed him once more, trying to communicate everything he felt through the kiss, but quickly realized he was guilty of the same mistake again: Julian couldn"t read his mind, and Alex was expecting him to do it. So he separated their lips and admitted it as well, kissing his temple: I"m scared too .

They took a long time there, kissing desperately but not moving it forward. Eventually, Julian seemed to realize with a gasp that Alex was still wearing his boxers and his hands slipped down to cup his arse possessively, their kisses moving into a more familiar territory. Still, Julian seemed to think Alex would disappear if they stopped kissing, and so they stayed there, Alex pressing Julian against the kitchen counter while they rubbed against each other.

"Wh-whatever you want. God, whatever you want," Julian responded desperately when Alex asked how he wanted to have him. It looked like Alex would have to take the lead, and he briefly considered asking Julian if he wanted him to top, because he seemed to be in one of those sensitive moods that made him enjoy getting fucked the most. He would look amazing below Alex at that moment, he thought, but quickly changed his mind when Julian dug his nails into the flesh of his arse, making him moan.

"Alex, b-baby..." Julian almost begged. No, what Julian needed was to get inside him, and quick.

Alex tugged him towards the bedroom, having to put some space between their bodies to do so, which Julian didn"t like one bit. He put his arms around him and pressed himself against Alex"s back when he was trying to walk, digging his erection against his lower back and scraping his teeth on his neck. Alex gave up, deciding he didn"t care if he came in Julian"s boxers in the middle of the fucking corridor when Julian started gripping his hips and sucking the first hickey he"d given him in a very long time, since that time at the beginning of the year, when Louise had been in France and Julian spent almost a week in his house, drinking his coffee and using his shower.

They did end up moving eventually, but to the sofa, because it was closer. Julian pressed his hips down against the cushions— Alex noted he had taken his last ring off— and started sucking him off with enthusiasm, making his own boxers stretch on Alex"s open legs. Alex had the frustration, the longing, and all the nights he"d been thinking about Julian in the past few months on his mind, and he almost shouted when he felt a lubed-up finger pressing against his entrance. Had he been carrying the lube with him? Did he have it stashed in his living room? Alex couldn"t care less if his questions went unanswered when Julian"s fingers started moving like that inside him.

Alex decided Julian deserved a treat— another apology— so he sat him back down against the cushions and pressed his knees on either side of his thighs, watching his face contort in pleasure as Alex lowered himself on his cock, agonizingly slow. There was lube everywhere— on Julian"s fingers, on the insides of Alex"s thighs— but, recklessly, no condom in sight.

Alex gripped the back of the sofa on either side of Julian"s head and quickened his pace, trying his best to be more vocal than usual, to let Julian know there was no one else who could make him feel like that. Alex watched him drop his mouth open and turn red at his words, digging his fingernails on Alex"s lower back. " Fuck , baby, you feel so good," Alex whimpered and Julian swallowed with difficulty. "Yer just made to be inside me, eh?"

It was all overwhelming in the best kind of way: Julian running his hands up and down his thighs, licking his neck, moaning at his words while he bit on Alex"s bottom lip— it was both the knowledge that it had been too long since their last time, and that they could have it as much as they wanted from now on.

"Can"t get enough of you," Julian finally whispered, his lips centimeters away from Alex"s. He started regaining control, marking the rhythm by grabbing Alex"s hips and forcing him up and down while he tried to keep up helplessly. His cock started thrusting harder into Alex, making his eyes roll back in pleasure and a series of needy whimpers escape his open mouth. "Need you like this," Julian added, pressing his wet lips to Alex"s jawline, "All the fucking time."

Alex"s hips stuttered, breaking the punishing pace. His thighs were burning with the effort and his own cock was aching with the need to be touched, the slight friction it got from rubbing against Julian"s stomach not doing anything but making him want it more. "C"mon, keep going," Julian demanded, but the sharp slap he gave to Alex"s arse to accentuate his words had the opposite effect: Alex melted against him with a broken moan, his rhythm becoming more erratic as he buried his face on Julian"s shoulder.

Julian took pity in him, and Alex was grateful he didn"t make him ask, or beg. He kissed his open, wanting mouth once more and pulled off, turning Alex"s pliable body until it was off his lap and settled on his back. He observed him with hungry eyes, while his hands pushed his legs up and open. He must have made quite a sight, Alex thought, lying there breathless, with his legs wide open and his cock hard, thighs sticky with lube and hands twitching with the urge to fist himself to relief.

It felt so good like that, despite the lack of space on the sofa. Julian had one hand planted on one side of Alex"s head for support while he fucked into him hard and fast, but the other was cupping his jaw, making little comforting circles with his thumb on his cheek. When Alex opened his lips slightly to let out a moan, Julian slipped two fingers inside his wet mouth, which Alex started sucking enthusiastically. Julian groaned, and that"s how Alex knew last night"s display had turned him on more than he admitted.

He was very close, Alex realized in surprise. Usually Julian held himself back until Alex came first, but it seemed like this time Alex really had broken every bit of self-control he had left. The thought made his cheeks light up with pride, and he started moving his hips down to meet Julian"s thrusts. Alex released his fingers from his mouth and interlaced them with his own, holding his hand while Julian pounded into him vigorously, while his other hand came up to push Julian down by his disheveled hair.

"I"m... I"m gonna- ah!" Julian tried, their cheeks pressed together. Alex tugged his hair harder and he moaned again. Alex wanted really badly to touch himself, but none of his hands were free, and anyway, he wanted Julian to come first.

"C-come inside me, babe, please . Fill me up," Alex murmured against his cheek. Julian let out a pained sound, fingers tensing against Alex"s. "Make me yours, Jules."

Julian"s breathing was harsh against Alex"s ear, the shaky sound contrasting with the sharp noise of skin hitting skin.

"You"re mine?" His voice was rough, low.

"I"m... I"m all yours, baby. Only y-yours."

Julian came then, hard and for a long time, his lips pressed against Alex"s neck and his fingers digging into the hand he was holding. Alex held him close as he opened his legs even wider, feeling his come spill inside him. Julian was letting out beautiful, loud sounds, muffled against Alex"s skin. Alex agreed with him there, at that moment: he would never have enough of him either, even if he had him fucking him like that every single day.

Julian"s body above him was applying pressure on Alex"s aching cock, and Alex pathetically tried to rub himself on his stomach, light-headed with the need for relief. Much to Alex"s surprise, who had been planning on jerking himself off and coming on Julian"s abs, Julian only used a few seconds to regain his breath before incorporating, making Alex hiss at the loss of pressure. His eyes unfocused and his face all sweaty, Julian stuck three fingers up Alex"s arse without warning and lowered his head to get his cock inside his slack mouth.

It took less than a minute. Under other circumstances, Julian would have swallowed everything like he always did. However, he was still dazed and breathless from his own orgasm, and therefore some of Alex"s come ended up on his lips, his chin. Alex watched bewildered as he wiped it off his face with his fingers and then sucked them clean, completely unembarrassed.

Julian collapsed on top of him, settling his head on his stomach and avoiding touching Alex"s sensitive cock. Alex stayed there, staring at the ceiling with sweat cooling all over his body and running his fingers through Julian"s messy hair while he tried to control his breathing and figure out what time it was. He figured they"d skipped dinner. He could still feel Julian"s come on the inside of his thighs, and his eyes scanning his body, especially the mess he"d made on his neck, and his lower half.

Alex closed his eyes and smiled for himself. For a moment he wished he could travel back in time to that first morning, when past-Alex had been scared and cleaning himself on Julian"s bathroom after wanking him off. He tried to imagine what his face would have looked like if someone had told him that the first bloke he"d ever touched would still be there many years later, watching his own come marking Alex"s body with wonder. A moment later, Alex ditched the fantasy. If someone had told him, it would have spoiled everything.

Julian told him he loved him again before helping him stand up. Alex said he loved him too. It still felt strange on his lips.

Neither of them felt like having a shower, so they just cleaned themselves and collapsed on the bed, Julian draping an arm over Alex"s chest and intertwining their legs. Alex knew Julian would start placing feather-light kisses to his shoulder and collarbone, because he always did the same thing, but he still gave a content sigh when he did it. They joked around a bit, voices low. Alex reprimanded him, complaining that he wouldn"t be able to walk the next day and blaming it on him. Julian scoffed and told him that he was still in his thirties, he could take it, and if not it wasn"t a big deal, he could spend the rest of his life on Julian"s bed, if he wanted.

"Do you ever miss it? I mean... The old days," Alex finally whispered.

"Ugh, no, do you? I was a fucking asshole back in the day. I was miserable and made it everyone"s problem," Julian responded with disgust. "I want to think I"ve improved." Alex wanted to think the same thing about himself.

"No, I mean, do you... Do you miss how it used to be?"

"Between us, you mean?" Alex nodded softly. "Oh, fuck no." Julian laughed.

Alex chuckled too.

"Giving blowjobs in the middle of the night in a supply closet, Jesus. No, I don"t miss it at all. Why did we never exchange phone numbers, by the way? That was stupid."

"Dunno. My guess is we were scared." Julian hummed pensively.

"I do miss your long hair though. Pretty like a girl," Julian teased after a long pause, and Alex shoved his shoulder lightly. "Why d"you ask? Do you miss fucking around like bunnies?"

Alex laughed lightly at that. He brought a hand up to brush Julian"s hair off his face, and he melted into the touch with a sigh.

"You know what? I don"t think I do. Not at all," Alex finally said, and he realized it was true, he didn"t. "This is so much better, don"t you think?" he added, but Julian had already closed his eyes and just answered with a nondescript hum.

Alex wasn"t tired. He had slept a lot the previous night, plus the long nap he"d taken that same afternoon— he wouldn"t be sleeping again anytime soon. Julian seemed to be exhausted though, Alex wondered if he had slept at all the previous night— he felt kind of bad for not even asking where he"d been the entire day, worried as he had been with his own confession. His body started feeling heavier on top of Alex, but not exactly uncomfortable; Alex had barely eaten either, and he could feel the starts of hunger in his stomach, but it was okay, he decided. There was no rush, there wasn"t anywhere else Alex wanted to be.

He listened to Julian"s breathing become heavier and slower as he fell deeper into sleep. It was okay, he reaffirmed, they would figure everything out, he knew it as certain as if his future self had come to tell him: it would be alright. And so he started stroking softly Julian"s back, as if to assure he would have sweet, happy dreams, and he concentrated on the comforting heat coming off his body.

He stared out the windows to the cold night and waited peacefully for the dawn to come.