Work Text:
~
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
Won't you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
And though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say, "Yeah"
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear, yeah
~
Caitlin stared out the passenger window, watching the road fly by as the car drove. A million different things ran through her mind, so many things to worry about . . .
“You’re awfully quiet over there. Both of you.” Carla gripped the steering wheel as she drove. “Feeling okay yet? We can make a stop if you need to. ”
“No, we’re fine.” Caitlin sighed, wincing as she adjusted the patch on her chest. She tugged at the seat belt strap chafing against the wound underneath.
“You can sleep, too. It’ll be a bit of a drive yet.” Carla told her. They were already days away from Central City at this point, but still far from their destination at another Tanhausser lab.
Frost had started snoring shortly after they’d hit the road and hadn’t surfaced much in the last few days, though Caitlin could hear her mumble restlessly every so often as if she were dreaming or worse. Caitlin just couldn’t get comfortable, had been on edge since before they’d left. Really she hadn’t slept much at all. She couldn’t get Barry out of her mind, how defeated and frustrated he’d been. She felt bad leaving when her friends were still missing in the mirrorverse, but she also knew that between herself and her frosty other half, neither of them were in any kind of shape to be anything but a further hindrance.
“Listen to your own advice, Caity,” Frost murmured, still half asleep, “We need to get better - everyone back home understands that. Barry understands that, and he wants us to get better too. He looked just as worried about us as he was Iris.”
A cold burning sensation swelled under the patch and Caitlin clenched the edge of her seat, blinking back tears. “Honestly, I think I’m too sore to sleep. It’s really flared up since we left my apartment.”
“Could be all the movement.” Carla briefly glanced over at her daughter, who was still fidgeting with the patch under the collar of her shirt.
“Maybe. I just--gah!” Caitlin tensed as the cold tightness in her chest and shoulder radiated down her arm and stomach - up to her head. Her insides rolled, her vision blurred, and her hand rose to cover her mouth.
“Caitlin?!”
“S-Stop the car!!!” It was a now-wide-awake Frost who spoke through clenched teeth, cold smoke hovering the air around her in tendrils. With shaky hands, she released the seatbelt as the car jerked to an abrupt stop on the side of the highway. She struggled to open the door, stumbling from her seat and falling hard to the ground on her hands and knees. She cringed as Caitlin screamed inside her head, both of them wracked with never-ending pain.
“Oh my--Frost!” Carla knelt beside her in moments, laying her hand on her daughter’s back only to pull it back with a shriek. “Honey, you’re frozen to the touch-”
“It’s not me, I swear!” Frost whimpered, holding one hand over her bad shoulder while the other clawed at the gravel beneath her. She began to cough, spitting up chunks of ice onto the ground. “Ugh, this is nasty. What the hell, geez--”
“Let me see the patch, is it still in place?” Carla hovered over her.
Frost shook her head, head pounding as Caitlin’s voice grated in her ears, “It’s not working. Something’s wrong, seriously wrong! Ugh - Caity says we should call Cisco. Get back to Star Labs.”
“If we could just get the patch to--”
Frost’s scream cut the elder scientist off as more frozen ice erupted out of her throat. Every nerve inside of her flared hot with horrible and unimaginable pain, centering in her head. The world around her was hazy as a dizzy spell washed through her. Sweat gathered on her forehead, freezing instantly as it dripped down. "Oh god…" Caity’s shrieking in her head grew louder, ringing painfully in Frost’s ears and drowning everything else out.
“All right, I’m calling!” Carla left her side to get Caitlin’s phone from in the car, returning to her daughter quickly.
All Frost knew as she finally stopped purged the ice was dizzying nausea, her throat raw and her stomach upset. She fell clumsily back on her bottom, her knees rigid and tight. The slacks, blouse, and sweater that Caity had changed into back at the hotel they’d stopped at were soaked through with sweat, clinging stiffly to Frost now as they froze. Her skull raged as Caity continued to wail and cry within, her other half lost in her own world of suffering. Frost tried to reach out to her, but Caity didn't hear her over the din.
And then came the deafening silence as Caity's screams faded out, leaving Frost disoriented from the sudden lack of sound. She wondered if her other half had finally passed out from the pain wracking them both and she wished she could be unconscious too, just to escape the pain.
A biting cold struck her out of nowhere, right down to the bone. She’d never been able to feel the effects of her own chill much less the actual wintery elements, even when Caitlin was in control. But this, this was awful. This feeling-cold thing hurt, and she didn’t like it at all . She definitely wasn’t a fan of the goosebumps that lined her arms, the numbness in her fingers and toes, and the little hairs on the back of her neck that stood up. But most of all it was the unbearably vivid ache all over that was the worst.
Her hands shook as she held them out in front of her, dread washing through her as a layer of pure white ice traveled down her fingers from the tips, over her hands, and up her arms toward her elbows. And it hurt . It was a phenomenon she’d only seen in those she’d used her own cryogenic abilities on, never on her own skin. It was true her skin had always been pale, even cold to the touch. But she’d never had ice form on herself unless it was with the intention of using it on someone or something else. Whatever it was, it terrified her on a level she’d never thought herself possible. She may be the meta, but Caity had always been the brave one.
"Frost, sweetie, Cisco says he's barely ten minutes away from here. He’s tracking your phone’s signal, following it here." Carla reached out to touch her but stopped when Frost flinched back.
“Don’t - don’t w-w-want to hurt you,” Frost’s teeth now chattered and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m f-freezing. Why am I so c-cold? I’ve n-nev . . .” Her words slurred as she curled up into a ball on the ground. “T-this is just stupid. I . . . I shouldn’t b-be this cold. I am the cold, the ice, t-the snow…why--”
“Maybe if Caitlin is on the surface it’ll warm up your body since her core temperature is slightly higher than yours,” Carla suggested, watching her helplessly.
Frost nudged at her other half, who was still quiet after the last wave of pain crashed through them. C'mon, Caity, wake up… She mentally poked again but got no response. She shivered, cringing at how empty she felt inside--
"I can't….I c-can't hear her - can’t feel her,” Frost looked up, horrified, a gasp escaping her lips. “Caity's not there!"
“What!?” Carla’s voice cracked. Neither of them noticed the other car that pulled up behind them until Cisco dropped to his knees beside Frost.
Cisco pushed the wheelchair through the halls of Star Labs, following the voices to the cortex. Carla followed behind, carrying medical equipment and her daughter’s packed bags. In the chair, Frost trembled, her teeth chattering as she pulled the blankets wrapped around her tighter to herself with her hands burrowed around her side. The layers of clothes she had on now were much warmer than what she’d had on before but still didn’t do much to evade the chill. Even the steaming hot shower she’d taken at the last hotel they'd stopped at on the way back to Central City hadn’t helped.
The three of them were quiet, as they had been the entire way back. There was just too much quiet now, and Frost hated it, almost more than the bone-cold, aching chill.
They were met with the sight of a dejected Team Flash - Barry, Allegra, Chester, Kamilla, and Cecile - scattered around the cortex in silence.
Cecile caught sight of them first, her tear-filled eyes widening, as she gasped. “You’re back!” The others looked up at her voice, also surprised.
“What’s with the pity party? From your texts, I thought this place would be party central since you finally defeated that Mirror Mistress.” Cisco halted the chair, locking the break. Kamilla came to stand next to him, their hands joining. Frost curled in on herself, drawing her knees to her chest. Cisco’s other hand held onto one of the chair’s handles as he looked around. “Wait, where’s Iris? Joe? Nash? Ralph?”
The entire room stilled, growing tense. Moisture welled in Barry’s eyes where he was hunched over in the desk chair and the others watched him with hesitant fear. “We couldn’t save her. I couldn't . . . I failed her.”
“She was in the mirror world too long, and it was just too much . . .” Cecile trailed off. “Joe took Jenna to spend some time with Wally. Ralph is out of town with Sue. And Nash . . .”
“Iris and Nash sacrificed themselves to create the artificial speedforce,” Allegra wiped at her eyes. “So now Iris and all the Wells are dead.” Frost and Cisco exchanged an equal nod of sorrow and concern.
“Victory for Team Flash, woo-hoo.” Chester’s head hung low.
“Feels an awful lot like we lost even more.” Cecile sighed. “But you guys are back, and that’s good. Though a lot sooner than we expected.”
“Yeah . . .” Cisco reached down to the pocket under the wheelchair, pulling out another heavy blanket and covering a shivering Frost with it. “Atlantis turned out to be a bust. Got a call from these ladies on the way back.”
Barry watched the two of his friends closely. He stood up, crossing over to them and circling around Frost, “Something’s wrong. Why is Frost cold? She shouldn’t even feel it.” His focus shifted sharply to Carla, “You left to make her better, why would you come back if she wasn't better?”
Cisco turned to Carla who’d been hovering in the background. “We’re still not sure. When Mrs. T. called me, Frost’s and Caitlin’s condition had turned critical. Luckily I was nearby, and we were able to stabilize it again, somewhat. Really, we’re not sure how much more we can do."
Carla nodded, "It’s presenting as hypothermia, seemingly the result of an infection or a virus that needs to run its course. Additionally, it isn’t responding to any of the antibiotic cures we try, not even rewarming. And now she isn’t retaining any of her own heat either.”
“What does Caitlin think about all of this? Wouldn’t she be warmer as Caitlin anyways?” Barry stepped closer to Frost, who just glared at him.
“No, ah, you see,” Cisco stuttered, running his hand over the skin behind his neck. “It’s, it’s complicated, because--”
Carla hesitated, “What he means to say--”
“Caity’s gone,” Frost spoke up, teeth still chattering. Her lips now faded to an even darker blue, she pulled one fingerless gloved hand out from under the blankets and pushed Barry’s shoulder over his shirt.
The tone around the room was dark, defeated. Carla shifted uncomfortably where she stood. Barry stared at Frost blankly, frozen where he stood as his gaze fell on the ice covering her fingers. Frost quickly returned her hand under the fabric wrapped around her, turning away from Barry.
Cisco tsked, shaking his head. “Caitlin is not ‘gone’. She can’t just disappear in there - that’s literally her body you’re in right now. You may be two different people with two different consciousnesses, but you share Caitlin’s body. She’s there, no matter how deep. Where else would she go?”
Frost tugged the blankets tighter around herself as she slowly stood, wincing as the cold, stiff muscles of her legs popped. She stilled, closing her eyes until the room stopped spinning. She breathed heavily, deeply, shaking her head, “I dunno but I can’t feel or hear her and I haven’t since that last ice vomit stabbing headache attack out on the highway when we called you. She went quiet and now she’s just not there.”
Barry stepped closer toward her, "Maybe it’s like when DeVoe put that mental block on her, and she couldn't access you. She's there, just out of reach."
Frost shuffled in place, rubbing her upper arms under the blankets. She scrunched her face, teeth worrying over the bottom lip. She looked up to find Barry’s eyes boring into her as if he expected Caitlin to appear out of nowhere. Her stomach rumbled, a pit forming deep within the longer he stared at her. "This feels different. Since I’ve been aware inside Caity, I’ve never felt alone. No matter which of us is on the outside, we can always hear and feel each other. But now..."
“We’ll find Caitlin, somehow. It doesn’t even make sense that she would just ‘disappear’.” Cisco scoffed.
Cecile tilted her head, “I thought I’d be able to sense Caitlin, or at least what she’s feeling but . . . guys, I’m sorry, there’s only Frost in there. She’s right, Caitlin is g--”
“No. I refuse to lose anyone else!” Barry’s arm shot out with his speed, grabbing hold of Frost’s shoulder. The bare skin of his fingers grazed her exposed collar bone next to the patch and she gasped sharply, eyes widening and head rising to lock into his gaze. They were both stunned in silence as the color began to drain from his hand, soaking into Frost in the form of glowing, yellow, dancing lines along the pale, ice-covered skin of her chest. Frost stood up straighter while Barry’s legs gave out in front of her. The moment his hand lifted from her skin, both hers jerked out in instinct to grab his forearms. Barry cried out, Frost felt a surge of overwhelming warmth, and everyone lunged forward. Spooked, Frost dropped his arms and backed away while he sunk to the floor.
“What the hell was that!?”
“Did she just--”
“Hey now, let’s just calm down.”
“Did you see how her hair and skin changed color!? Was that Caitlin?!”
“This could be another new progression of her abilities - it makes sense paired with her extreme sensitivity to cold.”
She couldn’t be certain who said what, as the voices blurred together while her ears started ringing and her heart pounded. The heat boiled in her veins, making her head feel fuzzy. Lights danced in front of her eyes and she stumbled over her own feet. The room around her disappeared completely, her body weightless. She became lost in the heady rush from the small surge of heat. She’d never experienced this level of warmth before, not first-hand. Not for herself. Even Caity’s memories of it had never been like this. Being near the exploding bomb in flashtime hadn’t been nearly as exhilarating. For the first time since she’d become self-aware, she wondered if perhaps the cold life wasn’t truly superior. What else had she missed out on because of her cryogenic abilities!? Whatever it was, she needed more of it. “W-whoa . . .”
“Frost, what did you do to him!?”
Like a bucket of cold water over her head, Frost trembled and blinked to find everyone hovering around Barry as he writhed on the ground. Her head cleared up, remembering moments before when Barry had touched her, how hard he fell to the floor. Panic, guilt, and confusion took over and she started to shake, and then the euphoric heat was gone and the cold-pain wracked through her body once again like a freight train. Instinctively, she reached out in her mind to Caity for what they should do but it wasn’t until she didn’t get a response that she remembered her other half wasn’t there. I need you, Caity….
A strangled cry left her lips as her unsteady feet barely carried her to the computer chair nearby, the shock of it hitting her all at once. She fell to her knees in front of it, gripping the seat of the chair like a lifeline. The sheer emptiness within her was just too overwhelming, burning colder than the ice that covered her skin now. “I . . . I didn’t . . . Caity . . . Barry!? I can’t...” She shuddered, her teeth beginning to chatter again. Her limbs felt stiff, cold to the bone. She managed to turn herself just in time to see Barry’s body speed-vibrating the cold away.
“Gah!” He sat up with a start, pushing the others around away from him. “I’m good, fine. I’m…Frost?” Everyone turned to face her.
Moisture welled in the corner of her eyes but froze there before the tears could fall. She sniffled, unable to get the image of what she’d done to Barry out of her mind. How much she missed having Caity in her head, always within reach. How disappointed Caity would be in her if she knew she’d hurt someone - especially Barry.
“I’m s-sorry,” Frost gulped, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean to… What did I even...”
“Dude, you drained the heat right out of him like a heat vampire or something.” Allegra blurted out, and Frost flinched at her words.
Barry rose to his feet, starting to walk toward her but Frost pushed the chair back to roll herself away from him, “No! Don’t touch me!”
He stopped, holding his hand out, “Hey, it’s okay. You didn’t hurt me, I’m okay.” She shook her head, more tears leaking from her eyes. “Guys, can you give us a minute?” No one moved, watching the speedster and the ice queen closely. “It’ll be fine.”
“We’ll be close by, working on how to get Caitlin back. Be careful .” Cisco narrowed his eyes, pointing at Barry as he and the others slowly left the room.
"Okay,” Barry nodded. Frost watched the others leave, one by one, her muscles tense as her hold on the chair remained strong. When everyone was gone, he turned his attention to her. “It’s just us now. I won’t let anything happen, I swear.”
When she was convinced Barry would stay where he was, she finally let the exhaustion take over, letting go of the chair and sinking to the floor. Her back rested against the side of the desk. She shivered, pulling the coat on tighter. The cold now brought more pain, drained her energy completely, as if her little moment of heat-relief had never happened. She glanced up at Barry, who stared at her with those concerned, expressive eyes of his, which only made her feel worse. “What’s happening to me?”
“I don’t know, but we’re going to figure it out. Just like we’re going to do everything we can to get Caitlin back,” Barry let out a sigh. She shivered again, clenching her fists in her coat. Barry crossed over to her, sitting down a few inches away beside her. She looked over to him in alarm, but he shook his head. “I won’t get any closer, I swear. I just don’t want you to be alone.” She relaxed slightly but still inched herself over a bit anyways, trembling as she did. He watched intently as she did so, "Hey, you ok? Can I do something to help?”
“It, ah...it hurts. A lot. I’ve never felt anything like this, and I really don’t like it. I hate feeling so weak. And...I miss Caity.” She frowned, “There’s not really anything anyone can do, I guess. I mean, it felt amazing when you touched me cuz now I’m apparently a heat vampire or whatever Allegra called it, but I won’t do that again because I almost hurt you.”
He shrugged, “Eh, I bounced right back. And, if it’s the only way for you to feel any kind of reli--”
“Absolutely not.” Frost tensed, drawing her knees to her chest. “We will not be doing that again. Ever . I don’t care if Cisco and Carla never find a way to fix me, I won’t hurt people to feel better. I won’t. Especially if it’s you. I’m serious.”
“Alright, alright. I give,” He relented, reaching over to grab one of the blankets from the chair Cisco had brought her in on. “Here, at least take this because your lips are turning blue. Er, blue-er. Darker blue?”
She just stared at him as she took the blanket - careful to not let her hand brush against him. She draped the blanket over her legs, resting her chin on her knees. She noticed him staring down at the wedding ring still on his hand, “Barry? I’m really sorry about Iris. You tried so hard to save her. If I wouldn’t have been so sick, I would have helped you. Caity too, I know it.”
“Thanks. We all did everything we could, and I know Iris is in a better place now. And I’m really sorry about Caitlin. I’m going to miss her too, she was one of my best friends.” Barry reached over to lay his hand on her shoulder but pulled back at the last minute.
“I want to believe Cisco, that we’ll get Caity back, but…” Frost trailed off. She tapped on her right temple with her fingers. “It’s too quiet in here. I don’t . . . I don’t know how to be without her, here with me.”
“We’re quite the pair, you and I.” Barry exhaled.
“You said that to Caity once.” Frost narrowed her eyes at him.
“I did,” Barry nodded. “I meant it to Caitlin then, and I mean it to you, now, Frost. Iris and Nash are gone. And maybe Caitlin too. But we’re still here, you and me, and the others. I’ve never been without Iris in my life either, so we can figure out what comes next together.”
“Still so soft, Flash - just like Caity,” She frowned, “She’d be proud of you, you know. You got your speed back, just like she knew you would. All that sappy love stuff.”
He winced, “I still haven’t decided if it was worth the price.”
Frost shrunk, cursing herself. Had she really just said that, been so insensitive? She could practically hear Caity scolding her. She let out a deep breath, trying to think of what Caity would say. “Maybe it wasn’t, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to live up to be the hero that Iris always knew you were.”
Barry looked up at her, first in surprise, and then a soft smile crossing his lips, “You’re not so bad of a hero yourself, you know.”
She shuffled herself further away from him, her eyes landing where they used to display Barry’s suit. “I...I can’t do that anymore.”
“Of course you can,” Barry told her, “The Flash needs Frost out there by his side.”
Images of accidentally heat-sucking the life out of innocent bystanders flashed through her eyes, “But what if I hurt someone like I hurt you? Or worse? I don't want to do that.” She knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself if it ever came down to it. Caity had been the one with the warm, kind, heart - the morality - and when she left, maybe she took all the heat and warmth with her. Bitterly Frost wondered if, despite all of her attempts at redemption, her ultimate punishment would end to be as cold and lonely as her powers for the rest of her life - never able to be warm or even be loved by anyone.
“We won’t let it happen again. I won’t let it. I promise. Besides, how can we go on that rafting trip if you’ll be too cold and freeze everyone to death?” Barry smirked, and she could feel the warm sincerity in his words.
She still remembered all of Caity’s memories, the good and the bad. Whenever Caity had been at her worst, it was always Barry and Cisco who tried to cheer her up. Her best friends, the ones she relied on most. At first, Frost had disliked all of Caity’s friends. They had wanted to rid Caity of her ‘darker side’ so therefore Frost hadn’t had any use for them. As she got to know them more, make her own memories with them, she’d grown fonder of them. Cisco had taken a bit longer, as he was more loyal to Caity. But Barry had tried to help her, to understand her, especially in the weeks leading up to Crisis. She’d really gotten the closest to Ralph, but it didn’t seem like her life coach was going to be able to come back anytime soon. She’d gotten to know some of the others as well, closer to some than others. Either way, they were her friends now too. “Good point, Flash - you’re definitely not getting out of that trip anytime soon. Even if I have to freeze you like an icicle and drag you there myself.”
“As if you could catch me,” He winked, and she chuckled, “Have you even tried to use your powers in all of this?”
She scrunched her face, burrowing her hands in her coat pockets, “Kinda been avoiding doing anything to make myself freeze to death even more.”
“We’re going to do everything we can to fix this, find Caitlin. But first, we need to find a way to help you get warm--”
“I mean it, I won’t hurt anyone.” She kicked the blankets off, rising to her feet and restlessly shuffling away from him. She stopped in front of the desk, letting her cold, numb fingers trail across the desktop. She looked away for just a second when a gasp escaped her lips.
“What is it?” Barry was by her side in moments.
“No, stay back--” Frost’s fingers clenched the computer monitor she’d grabbed hold of like a lifeline. Sparks flew around the tech until smoke rose in the air, the plastic and parts cracked and crushed. Her eyes widened, a flush feeling radiating up her arms and into her chest. The spark was hot, all-consuming. Intoxicating.
Warm.
She stared down at her hand, transfixed by the yellow lines that absorbed into her skin, pulsing at the fingertips where her skin touched the plastic. A ringing sound filled her ears as her blood sang - and the cold numbness faded away. The layer of ice slowly melted away, though her skin remained pale. It was just too good, so good . . .
“ Yessss… ” She hissed, the room around her disappearing once again as she was lost in her own relief. Her hands blindly clawed at the metal, the rest of her body leaning into the desk chasing the heat as it absorbed into her. Just as before, the warmer she became the less her body ached with the cold.
A gust of wind blew her hair around her and her arm shot out on instinct. A sharp stream of ice flew outward, halting Barry as he ran toward her for a moment before projecting him back and crashing to the ground.
“Frost!” Barry’s voice was swallowed up by the ringing in her ears.
The broken tech in her hands began to cool and she cried out as a chill once again crept its way down her spine. “No, I need more!” Her eyes scanned the area, falling on the set of three computers across the room. If she could just get a little more, a little more heat, from tech instead of people, maybe she’d be able to handle it and not hurt anyone. Just a little more...
Her feet operated on autopilot, drawing her closer to the other computers. She could feel the warmth radiating off the tech and it made her skin sing. She had to have the heat, now. She needed it.
Just as she was almost to the other desk, Barry wooshed in front of her. She stopped, bouncing on the balls of her feet restlessly. He held out his hand, “Whoa - Frost, don’t do this. This isn’t you, you don’t have to let this control you!”
“Out of my way, Flash,” She sneered. Her skin felt tight, the frigid numbness once again crawling its way down her arms, up her legs, throughout her chest--
Barry shook his head, crossing his arms and planting his feet. “No, I’m not going anywhere.”
“If you don’t move, I’ll make you. We both know I’m stronger than you. Cold and speed are opposites, remember.” She shuffled forward, momentarily stumbling as lethargy set in.
Barry watched her closely, letting his arms drop. “But you’re growing weaker. The tech’s heat didn’t last long - it’s synthetic. Electric, manufactured. The other computers won’t give you much more either. C’mon, just take some from me. Just a little. Please, let me help you.”
“No!” She turned away from him, breathing heavily, desperately searching the room for another source to draw from. Anything but him, not him. Her legs shook, the nerves numbing from the cold. “Damnit, Flash - don’t make me do it. Why do you always have to be so stubborn!?”
"I'm just here for my friend.” He shrugged, pacing around, nearing her more and more but still blocking her from the other tech.
She snorted, rolling her eyes. She’d been wrong, they weren’t her friends. He wasn’t. He was still Caity’s, and he didn’t care anything about her. If he did, he wouldn’t be trying to prevent her from getting what she needed, “Spare me the sympathetic crap - Caitlin was your friend, I’m just the monster that killed her.”
A shadow of disbelief washed across his face, “Is that what you think? That it’s your fault Caitlin is gone?”
Her mouth set in a hard line, her words blunt and dripping with venom, “As if you don’t blame yourself for Iris.”
Barry stopped cold, “Wow,” He shook his head. “That’s low, even for you.”
“I don’t hear you denying it,” Her blood was beginning to slow, grating in her veins as it flowed, thick like cold, molasses. She scanned the area, looking for another source but didn’t find any. It was either the tech or nothing at all.
“There’s nothing to deny,” His voice cracked, though he remained strong where he stood, “It hurts that Iris is gone but there’s nothing I can do about that. She sacrificed herself and I can’t bring her back. Caitlin may be gone too and now you have to find a different way to survive. We just have to deal with the hand that’s dealt to us.”
His words hit deep, but the need for heat was colder, “You know, I’ve really had enough of your preaching, Flash. If you’re not going to let me drain the tech, just move aside and let me go.” She stepped forward, turning away from him but he just used his speed to cut her off. She blew out a huff of cold air in frustration, pushing her hair out of her face.
“I won’t let you do something you’ll regret later,” He held his arms up, “I already gave you an option - take from me. My heat... I’m connected to the speedforce, I’ve got an endless supply of it. Much better than any other source. Take from me, please.”
“Stop it.” Ice formed around the fists clenched at her sides but quickly began to melt. The water dripped down to the floor beneath her but she didn’t flinch.
“Never.”
The sound of footsteps had them both spooked, the pocket of tension between them now broken.
“Guys, what the hell is going on in here?” Cisco stood frozen in the doorway, “No way, what happened to the computer!?” The others filed in after, almost running into Cisco.
“Stay back!” Barry held out his hand, running between Frost and their friends.
Frost just stared out at them, her eyes wide. She grew tense, her muscles stiff as the heat from the bodies near her called out to her. “Y-You should listen to him. The longer you all stand there, the l-less likely I’ll be able to hold back.”
Tension grew thick in the air the longer the silence dragged on. Cecile held her hand over her mouth, now crying. Carla stared her down defiantly. Chester backed away, colliding with the doorframe behind him. Kamilla stood frozen in place.
Allegra held up her hands, sending a blast of electromagnetic energy in between Barry and Frost. The ice queen held her hands in front of her face, but the rays of light just absorbed into her skin. Frost gasped, her breath heavy as her fingers extended outward. She shuddered and a layer of soft snow shook off of her. Her focus honed in on the young woman, all rational thought and logic lost on her as she quickly lunged forward.
Barry was on her in an instant, pulling her away from an alarmed Allegra, “Nope, not going to happen.”
Before Frost could even blink, a blanket smothered her from behind and wrapped around her shoulders and middle. She could feel the heat of a nearby body, but the fabric of the blanket irritated her skin. She struggled against the strong hold on her, unable to break free.
“I don’t want to knock you unconscious or drug you, please just stop,” Barry panted, arms tight around her. “Let us help you.”
“I’m beyond help, Flash,” Her voice was flat, echoing, as she fell still. Barry didn’t let go, watching her closely. And then, just as he was about to let go, Frost reared her head back into his face. His arms dropped, hands rising to his nose on instinct. Snickering, Frost quickly turned and extended her hands, letting both palms rest on his cheeks over his hands. “Just need a quick pick me up and then I’ll be out of your hair for good.”
“D-Do it!” Barry choked, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. Just like before, the color drained from his skin and bled into hers. She howled in relief, edging on the coast of ecstasy. “Maybe you really are a monster after all.”
His words would’ve stung, if she weren’t so lost in the blissful glow of the moment, “I’ve been trying to tell you all that for years, and you never lis-” With a sharp intake of breath, pain erupted in her thigh. She just had enough time to look down to find Cisco withdrawing a needle from her leg before everything grew dark . . .
Her return to consciousness was slow, one sense at a time. There was the hard ground beneath her, the pressure on her muscles and joints - flat against the side of her face. The sterile crispness that invaded her nostrils. The slow breeze of warm air blowing her hair. She groaned, holding her pounding head and shutting her eyes tighter against the intense brightness. There was something else, though, the warmth… Even as the glare grated against her eyelids, she could feel the radiance soak into her skin.
“The dampeners in the cell are suppressing your ice healing. But the extra warming lights Cisco and Chester put in should help with some of the pain.”
"Great, so I'm your pet lizard," She mumbled, slowly rolling onto her stomach. Her body creaked and ached as she moved, holding herself up on her elbows. She opened her eyes to find Barry staring down at her through the pipeline door.
He scrunched his face, his hands in his pockets. "Eh, maybe a snake? Viper?"
She just glared at him, her eyes full of disdain.
"Well…" He shrugged, lifting his hand to scratch his head.
"Gonna let me out anytime soon, then, Steve Irwin, or…" she drawled, pulling herself up to sit.
He shook his head, "C'mon, you know it’s not that easy."
“Right,” she leaned against the door, letting it hold her up. “The last time we were here you let me out, appealed to Caity’s inner doctor to save your brother.”
“And it worked,” He moved forward, standing next to the control panel. “Caitlin broke through, took back control, and developed a solution to fix Wally.”
A bitter laugh escaped Frost as her lips turned upward into a smirk. “She did. She pushed me back down, wallowing in her own self-pity and guilt. Sorry to disappoint, Flash, but Caity’s not here to do that this time. I’m the only broken piece that’s left of your precious Dr. Snow.” She narrowed her eyes, watching him intently. “But you already knew that. So what’s the plan this time?”
He held his hand over the panel and she clenched her fists, ready to pounce. But then he dropped his hand, and walked up to the door, staring right at her, “You know, I didn’t want to put you in here even when the others insisted. I believed you could get through this on your own without us restraining you.”
“They’re right, I should be in here.” She said, matter-of-factly. “I can’t control this. Without Caity, there's nothing left to hold me back. I would’ve attacked them in the cortex if you hadn’t stopped me. The pain is too much, the loneliness, and if I ever got my hands on someone again I know I wouldn’t be able to stop. Maybe if I got enough, it would even make me forget that Caity isn’t there anymore,” She stared at him hard and head-on, biting the inside of her cheek to hold back the tears, “Wouldn’t you do whatever it took, to make the pain of losing your wife go away?”
“Of course, but hurting people isn’t the answer,” He twisted the ring on his finger and Frost looked away. “We have to find acceptance in other ways. You’re not the same person you were then - you don’t need Caitlin to want to be good. To do the right thing.”
“So if you won’t let me out, what do you want, Flash?” She turned, her back against the glass facing away from him. “Because I really don’t have much more energy for a fight. Just leave me be, to rot here. Go mourn your wife, and leave me alone to mourn my sister and my freedom.”
“We can mourn together - and you won’t be in here long,”
She whipped her head around, cursing how it made her head spin.
“Thought that might get your attention,” He smirked, “Cisco, Chester, and your mom are working on something, they think it might be able to help you regulate your temperature instead of having to feed from outside sources.”
“Oh. Well, that’s-- That’s . . .” She stood up slowly, hand on the glass. The warmth took away some of the pain, but her body was still weak. “That’s incredible. And fast, wow. The nerd squad really knows how to deliver. But, what about Caity?”
Barry’s head dropped and her heart sank. “I’m so sorry, Frost. We ran some tests on you while you were unconscious and, and the results weren’t promising. We’re not giving up, but we’re not optimistic either.”
She swallowed down the tears, turning away, “I really hate hugs but I wish I wasn’t locked up in this box right now. This is just lonely, and it’s embarrassing.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, at all.” He lifted his hand, pressing it on the glass against where hers lay on the other side. “Soon, okay. For getting out, and a hug. Okay? Once we get the device working and you out of here, you’re in for one major Team Flash hug. I mean it. All of us, for sure. We all love you, and we want to be here for you.”
“Thanks, Flash, But I’d settle for just a hug from you right now.” She sniffled, the slightest of smiles on her lips.
“A rain check then?” He returned the grin, winking.
“Gonna hold you to that,” She wiped her eyes on the corners of her sleeves.
“Why don’t you try to get some rest while they work on the device?” He took his hand off the glass. “I can get you anything you need in the meantime.” She nodded, stepping back away from the door. “Hold on in there, okay?”
“Thanks, Barry.” She watched him walk out of the pipeline entrance, letting out a sigh. “Caity, I could really use your strength right now . . .”
It didn’t take long for the team to figure out a way to help Frost. They tapped into both the speedforce and the sun’s natural light waves to create a device that would flood Frost’s cells with the light and warmth to keep her from freezing to death and yet allow her to still tap into her own abilities. After some trial and error, they implanted it under her skin and let it do its magic. It took her some adjusting, but she was able to be around others without needing to attack or drain the heat from them.
Helping Frost also served as a way for the rest of the team, especially Barry, to cope with everything else they’d lost. Barry was at her side constantly, never even missing a beat. He sat with her while she was locked in the pipeline, stayed with her during every session of trials with the device, and he was right there when she went out into the world for the first time to test that the device worked. Before long, Flash and Frost were back out in the field together taking on metas other criminals.
It worked both ways as well, as Frost was there for Barry when he was at his lowest after losing Iris. She was still stuck in the pipeline during the funeral, but she asked Cisco to wear a small camera that she could watch on a tablet from her cell and still be supportive. Afterward, Barry collapsed into the pipeline against the door, still in his dark three-piece suit, face wet with tears as his body shook. She leaned up against the door, hand right over his, just sitting there quietly while he grieved. A few days later on Caity’s birthday, he did the same for her.
Soon enough, life went on for Team Flash, at least as much as it could. More villains to stop, more people to save, their own lives to live - even while still searching to find a way to get Caitlin back though that proved less likely every day. The team tried to stay positive, especially around Frost, but she’d known from the start that Caitlin was gone. It killed her every day, but she knew Caity would want her to live her life to the fullest.
A year to the day that Frost’s life had changed forever out on that highway, there was a private memorial at Star Labs for not only Caitlin but for Iris and all the Wells too. Just the core team, with a few special appearances from their other superheroes who came to pay their respects to their fallen friends and comrades.
Barry stood with Joe, Cecile, Carla, and Clarissa Stein as they talked, his eyes searching the cortex earnestly. He’d seen her earlier but had lost track of her as he talked to different people. The usually-social-Frost had been withdrawn all day, quiet and by herself in the corners of the room. Barry had been worried about her the whole time, wanting to reach out to her, but also wanting to give her space. It was late now, and he hadn’t seen any trace of her for hours.
“Son, you okay?”
Joe’s voice cut into his thoughts, and Barry blinked out of it. “Have any of you seen Frost lately?”
Cecile and Joe shared a knowing glance. “She wandered off a while ago,” Cecile patted his shoulder lightly, “Said she wanted to get some air. I think today was a bit much for her, all the people.”
Barry balked, instincts tingling. “The device is still working, right?”
“Oh, honey, I wasn’t talking about her powers,” Cecile frowned, leaning into Joe. “Maybe you should go see where she wandered off too. I’m sure she could use a friend right now.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll do that,” Barry nodded - completely missing the smirk passed from Cecile to Joe and even to Carla and Clarissa as he walked away.
He stopped in the kitchen lounge first before using his speed to run around the building. He finally found her in Caitlin’s office, stopping in the doorway. The room was dark, but the soft glow from the tv washed over her profile. He couldn’t see her face or the tv, but as he got closer he could hear crying. He quickly zipped back to the kitchen to grab a box of tissues, and back to the office in moments.
He approached her carefully, keeping his voice soft, “Hey, you.”
She startled slightly, a dagger of ice appearing in her hand before she turned to face him. The ice fell to the ground as her eyes widened. “Shit, Barry!”
He held up the items in his hands, “Whoa, hey - I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She rolled her eyes, sniffling, “Nothing scares me.”
“Sure,” He grinned, taking a seat beside her on the couch. He nodded over at the tv, “Felt like a little family-drama-binge-tv-therapy?”
A deep pout set in on her lips, more tears leaking out. “I hate this show, but it was Caity’s favorite. I always teased her about it, made her turn it off. Watching it now just makes me really sad - but also closer to her.”
“This Is Us? Yeah, Iris always watched it too.” Barry smiled fondly, lost in memories for a few moments. He put the tissues on the table in front of them, holding up the other items while handing her a tissue.“I, ah, noticed you disappeared from the festivities. Thought I’d bring you some comfort food.”
Frost wiped her tears away and took one look at the two pints of ice cream and two spoons in his hand, shaking her head. “Such a sap, Flash.”
“Always, haven’t you learned yet that isn’t going to change? And you seem to be in quite the nostalgic mood yourself, by the way.” He held out a spoon, letting her choose which pint she wanted.
“Yeah yeah.” Frost drawled, eagerly digging into her brownie cookie dough ice cream. Barry opened his oreo ice cream as well. The two were quiet for a while, enjoying their snack and watching the show. But Barry couldn’t stop himself from watching her - not watching her eat, but just her . When she noticed, Frost scrunched her face, playfully swatting his arm. “Creeper much?”
He jumped, almost dropping his ice cream but caught it in time. His cheeks flamed red, “Sorry, I just . . . I was worried about you all day. It’s just nice to spend time with my friend.”
She sighed, putting her pint down and using a tissue to clean up. “Same here, buddy. You know, today is just as much for you as it is me.”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” He confessed.
She let out a breath, “I’m . . . I’m not really sure, actually. Just trying to get from one moment to the next. Whatever that means.” Her head turned away.
“No, ah . . . Trust me, I totally get it,” He agreed, “The last year has been surreal, sometimes unbearably so. We’ve survived a lot, and our lives are never what I would call easy.”
“Understatement of the century,” She snorted.
He chuckled, “Definitely . . . but I’m really glad we’ve gotten closer in the last year, you and me. Leaning on each other when we needed to. The others have been really supportive, but . . .”
“They don’t really get it, what we went through. Losing someone so close to us - my sister, your wife,” Frost nodded.
His voice cracked, “Exactly! I mean, Cisco was probably closer to Caitlin than either of us knew, but he’s . . . he’s just not really around. Or, well, I guess he chose to process his grief alone. Besides, he and Kamilla are engaged now and spending less time at Star Labs. And Joe . . . Iris was his daughter, and that’s a different kind of grief. Which, I got a fraction of that losing Nora, but . . . It just really feels like the stronger we get as a team, the further apart we all are as friends, family. And now, without Iris, Caitlin, Nash . . .”
“None of this is easy,” Frost reached for the tissues, taking one for herself and handing the other to Barry.
“No, it certainly isn’t,” He sighed heavily, wiping some stray tears from the corners of his eyes. “I just don’t really know . . .” He paused, “I don’t know what this means for the future of the team, where we’re headed. It feels like everyone else will just drift off, go do their own thing, more than they already are. Life, careers, families . . . Jenna’s getting older now, and Joe and Cecile should be there to see it. I thought I’d have all that with Iris, but--” He stopped, staring down at the wedding ring he couldn’t bring himself to take off.
She reached forward, resting her hand over his. “Hey, it’s okay.” He cleared his throat, glancing up at her. She smiled softly, “If it makes you feel any better, I’m probably not going anywhere anytime soon. I don’t exactly have a life outside of this place, this team. Caity . . . she was all I had and now . . . I’m not the same person I was, not even from a year ago. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. All I can do now is what she would have wanted me to, keep fighting to keep this city safe.”
He nodded, “Team Flash will always fight to keep the city safe, that’ll never change. I just . . . the team may get significantly smaller. But you and I, we’ll always have each other’s backs - and not just out in the field.” He returned the grin, moving his hand to cover hers, “You know that, right? It’s . . . It's more than that we’re friends. More than partners. More than just Flash and Frost, Barry and . . . Frost. I’m - I’m not really sure what I’m saying, just . . . well, in the last year you’ve become the most important person in my life.”
“Right back ‘atcha. So where does this leave the two of us, Flash?” She let go of his hand, fidgeting with the skin of her forearm around where the heat device was implanted under her skin, as she often did now, “I’m not exactly what they would call feelings-friendly, much less have anything in my newly sans-Caity-solo-life figured out. Plus the whole heat-sucking thing isn’t exactly a picnic, even with the fancy device under my skin. Besides, you’re not over your dead wife, anyways.” She paused, wincing as she glanced down at the ring on his hand. “Sorry, that’s not-”
“No, it’s fair. You’re right - there are still days I wake up expecting Iris to be right there beside me,” He let out a breath, shaking his head, “Most days actually. Still can’t stand the sight of mirrors either. But those are things that probably aren’t going away anytime soon.”
“Hey, I exhibit no judgment. If I could stop these nightmares about Caity, I would.” She looked up at him, pointing her finger and narrowing her eyes at him. "And don't you even with your 'we're quite the pair' sentimental crap. We've all been through too much for that."
"All right, all right," He held up his hands, shrugging, "Just pointing out that I've said that too. That we've been through too much."
She pursed her lips, "Whatever. Sometimes you sound like a Disney movie character. Or like you jumped out of this crazy show that I can’t stop watching now!” She waved her hand at the tv wildly, growling.
“To answer your question, I really don’t know,” He ran his hand through his hair, “You’re one of my best friends, and I know that I care about you, more than I understand. I never stop worrying about you, it’s constant, even though I know you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself.”
“Damn right, I can,” She nodded proudly, “But I get it. I’m, ah, pretty sure that Caity always had a crush on you but she was just too chicken to say anything because you were so infatuated with Iris.”
Barry just stared at her, “Oh wow, I never . . . I never knew.”
Frost shrugged, “Well, Caity was always too good at pushing things down - other than me, I mean. I never told her I knew, but, well, she must have known since we shared a brain. She probably would’ve never said anything to you, probably ever. But yeah.”
“Hmm,” He pondered, wondering how he could’ve missed that. Not that it mattered now, no more than it being just another way he’d failed the people he cared about in his life that were gone now. All he could do now was be in the present, with the people - the person - that mattered now. “And you, Frost? What do you think about all of this, about us?”
Frost’s eyes widened, and she blew out a breath. “Me? Um . . . I think . . . that . . . I think that we’re both still in a pretty delicate place in the grieving process and probably will be for a while. And you’re right, we don’t know what the future is going to bring, or what time we have left - the last year has taught us that more than anything. But . . . not to bring up the past again, but we are broken, Barry. Both of us. Almost, probably, irreplaceably so. Like that weird cup analogy you have for the timeline that you use all the time. No matter how much we try to pick up the pieces and put ourselves back together, neither of us is going to be the same.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “But does that mean we can’t be broken together? Supporting, protecting, encouraging each other?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying, aren’t you listening?” She jumped to her feet, restlessly pacing the floor behind the couch. Barry watched her, confused and concerned. “Barry, we already do those things, but I don’t think either one of us is ready for anything more than that. I know at least that I’m not, not right now. Not for a long time, if ever. I . . . I still don’t really know anything about who I am, what I want, what I feel - let alone for anyone else. And you . . . I really don’t want to tell you what you feel or what you’re ready for but . . .” She stopped, glancing at his hand before closing her eyes and turning her head. “Barry, you can’t even take your wedding ring off.”
He winced, the fingers of his other hand automatically stopping twirling the ring - he hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it. He swallowed, pulling his hand away from the ring. “Maybe . . . maybe you’re right. Yeah. I . . . I don’t know what I’m ready for. I just know that I need you in my life.”
She smirked, shuffling back around the couch and sitting down next to him. She took hold of both of his hands, releasing a heavy breath. “Then it looks like we’re somewhat on the same page because I’m not letting you go anytime soon, Flash. We work on ourselves, and what we need, and we’ll be there for each other - no matter what. Then we figure out the rest together. Okay?”
“I’m in,” He nodded, squeezing her hands. “One hundred percent - more. We live our lives, whatever that brings, and we do it together. Always.”
~
...what was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again...
~