Chapter Text
1.
Phil sat staring at the photo he kept in his desk drawer that as currently lying on his desk. To the right of it was his old personal phone. He knew that his eyes were damp and his cheeks were streaked with drying tears, so he wasn’t surprised when May came into the office and immediately stopped just inside the door. He didn’t look up, but he saw out of the periphery of his vision as she locked the door behind her and walked over slowly.
“Phil… what’s wrong?” she asked as she got closer. He didn’t look up at her until she stopped in front of him. She looked at the photo and the phone and gave him an expressionless look, eyes searching his face. “What happened?” she asked flatly.
Phil smiled weakly, finally looking up at her. “Cancel the last order I gave you.”
“But-“
“No,” he said softly. He shook his head, rubbing the palms of his hands into his eyes, wiping his face as he leaned back in his chair. “Mel, I can’t do that to him. Not now.”
May tilted her head. “You only call me Mel…” She trailed off, eyes narrowing in understanding. “Shit, Phil, what did he do?”
Phil gave her a hopeless smile. “He said goodbye.”
She sighed, laying the folder in her hand down on the table in front of him. “It’s too late, Phil. Skye and Bobbi are there already. Bobbi went comm silent because they made contact and wanted to talk to him privately.”
Phil sucked in a breath, feeling just like he’d been punched in the chest. “God, I’m ruining his life. He- he just moved on. Last night. It was just last night. He- he was supposed to turn a new leaf today. Everything he worked for in the past year… Bringing him in destroyed the life he’d built.”
May gave him a sympathetic look. “Maybe he said no?”
Phil smiled as he picked up the photo of Clint and Natasha drawing on his cast when he’d broken his arm, both of them smiling at the camera while he glared at it, and shook his head. “He misses it too much to say no. He’ll accept,” he said, looking at May with regret in his eyes. “All I’ve ever done is hurt him. I can see that, now.”
“How? You helped make him who he is,” she stressed. “Phil, you gave him a life and a home. That isn’t hurting him-“
“He was in love with me, Mel,” he said weakly. She closed her mouth and he shook his head. “All those years I spent with him, I could’ve been with him, but I didn’t open my eyes and see it. I let him suffer in silence because I was too blind, and then I died on him. I died, and left him alone. I came back, and I didn’t go to him. He’s left voicemails on my old number. The first time, I should have gone to him. He needed me then, and I was too stupid to realize it.”
May gave him a sympathetic look. “Phil, you couldn’t have known-“
“He saw me once. At the Hub. I should’ve gone to him then because I did know,” he argued, bitter with himself. “I listened to that message fifty times and every time I heard him say it. ‘It was the first time in a year I thought I might be okay again.’,” Phil quoted to her, voice tight. He swallowed hard. “I should have gone then. Or when SHIELD fell and he called to tell me he was glad I didn’t live to see my world destroyed.” He groaned, tugging at his hair. “Last night he said goodbye. He- he has healed. He’s healed after all that the past two years did to him. All I put him through by not being there for him.” He looked up at her. “He’s healed, and the very next day, I’m ripping open the wound.”
May shook her head. “I’m sorry, Phil, but what’s done is done.” Phil nodded, sitting back in his seat. She started to leave, and Phil closed his eyes, but he was brought back to his office when she poke from the doorway. “Hey Phil?” He looked up and she gave him a look. “Him being in love with you. That’s not one-sided, is it?”
Phil huffed bitterly, letting his head drop over the back of his chair. He could feel her eyes on him where she waited, and knew there was only one way to answer that. He took a breath and closed his eyes, not wanting to watch her reaction.
“What do you think?”
~
Phil wasn’t proud to admit it, but he was definitely hiding in his office. He’d seen the alert that the plane had landed so he knew Clint was there. He was just afraid of how Clint would react. He would hate to be in Clint’s shoes, so he wanted to give him time to meet the others and settle in before ambushing him with a ghost. He knew that Clint had to know he was alive by now, but he didn’t think that would make it easier for Clint to see him.
After a few hours, however, Phil knew he had to go brief the team on their newest member.
It was only by the grace of his long-practiced composure that he managed not to flinch when he walked into the conference room and saw Clint sitting on the tabletop, smiling at whatever Bobbi was saying. Skye noticed him coming in and perked up some. “There you are. I wondered why you hadn’t come to greet our new guy yet!” she said brightly.
Phil smiled to himself at the innocence in her eyes. She had no idea and he could tell she wasn’t the only one. He finally steeled himself to look up and meet Clint’s eyes, and it was like being kicked in the chest. Clint’s eyes were a stormy gray color, matching the paleness of his face. He looked like he wanted to bolt, and that was a look Phil hadn’t seen since Clint was far younger. He looked older now. Much, much older than the last time Phil saw him. It was clear life had taken a toll on him lately.
“Phil,” Clint said in a noticeably forced-calm tone.
Phil nodded back. “Clint,” he said softly.
Skye raised an eyebrow at Phil. “Soooo you two know each other on first name basis?”
Phil forced a smile and nodded to her. “You could say that.”
Bobbi grinned. “Oh c’mon, sir. You two only worked together for more than ten years.” She rolled her eyes, nudging Clint. “It felt weird as shit to get picked up by Coulson and not have you with him. Guess you were off busy being an Avenger and all that, huh?”
“Something like that,” he said and Mack turned away from his conversation with Fitz and raised an eyebrow.
“Wait, Avenger? Like, the whole ‘super hero’ thing Avengers?” he asked and Bobbi nodded.
“Yeah, you didn’t know two of ‘em were SHIELD agents?” she asked, and he shook his head.
“Nah, man. That’s pretty awesome, though,” he said with an impressed look at Clint. “Should’ve known Coulson’s crazy ass used to hang with Avengers.”
“Alright, we need to debrief, so just sit down and shut it,” May said, walking in. She passed Clint and nodded when he gave her an amused look and slid off the table into a seat.
“My, my, if it isn’t Melinda May.” He crossed his arms behind his head. “Should’ve known where Phil went, you’d go,” he said and she glared at him.
“If you call me-“
“Still Phil’s work-wife,” he teased and she rolled her eyes with a reluctant smile.
“You are still an asshole, Barton.” She sat down beside him, clearly waiting for Phil. He walked over to stand in front of the group, hands clasped in front of him. “Koenig isn’t coming,” she said and he nodded.
“Alright, then.” He cleared his throat, looking around the table as a somber mood fell over them, knowing what was coming. “You’ve all met Agent Barton. He’ll be filling the hole left by Trip,” he said gently. Skye looked down, but he could see the way her bottom lip trembled a little bit. “I know none of us like the reason behind it, but we’ll all benefit from Barton being here. He’s more experienced than any of us besides me and May. We’re going to really need that now that our targets are both highly trained former SHIELD operatives.” He looked at Clint. “What have you been told?”
Clint shook his head. “Just that Triplett is dead and I’m here to fill his spot. I know you guys are all ‘death to HYDRA’ and stuff. And that there are some alien things going down. No details.”
“Daniel Whitehall is dead. I killed him in San Juan,” he started with and Clint gestured to his face.
“That why you look like you’re about a week past being beat half to death?” he asked and Phil smiled tightly.
“No, that’s our other problem.” He looked to Skye, who nodded. “Barton, this is Skye,” he introduced and she waved at him across the table. “It’s a long story to tell, but the short version is she grew up never knowing her parents, and now her biological father has found us and he’s really pissed at me.”
Clint gave him a sharp smile. “Understandable.” Phil ignored it and went on.
“We only know him as Cal, or The Doctor. He’s definitely a gifted human if he’s not alien. Skye is as well,” he said, but spoke before Clint could ask about it. “He wants her back, and he has the ability to kill people if they get in his way, but he’s not our priority. He’s just something to be aware of.”
“He won’t hurt anybody when I’m around,” Skye explained. “Not my friends anyways. He thinks- he thinks he can just be my dad or something, so he’d never put me in harm’s way, and when I yelled at him, he stopped beating Phil, so he’ll listen.” She shook her head. “But if I’m not there, he might take you out, so you need to know about it.”
Phil nodded, rubbing a hand down her arm when he walked around the table to operate the screen. “This is our priority right now.” He pulled up the files on Ward and Agent 33. “Skye’s abilities and her crazy biological father are problems for later, but this is our threat right now.”
“Man, I knew something was wrong with that little bitch,” Clint burst out, and Lance let out a bark of laughter that made Clint smirk. “Ward. Whiny little-“
“That’s enough,” May warned and Clint pouted at her exaggeratedly, making her smile reluctantly.
Phil couldn’t help a small smile as he was reminded of old times having May and Clint in the same room. “Grant Ward and Agent 33.” He glanced at Clint. “She’s wearing May’s face,” he warned and Clint grimaced.
“That’s gotta be scary as shit.”
Lance nodded. “Half her face is burned off, too.”
Clint nodded. “I stand corrected, even scarier.”
“The point is, they’re both incredibly highly trained, they know all our tactics, and we need to neutralize them,” Phil continued. “Ward is still obsessed with Skye, even if she shot him the last time she saw him, so we at least have a way to lure him in.”
Clint looked over at Skye. “What’s so special about you, Kid? I mean, sure, you’re pretty and stuff, but what makes you a crazy magnet?”
She shrugged. “Probably the alien blood or whatever I am,” she said. “Don’t ask me, man, I accidently caused a localized earthquake in the bathroom when I cut myself shaving, this stuff is all totally ‘what the hell’ levels right now.”
Clint nodded. “So, psycho dad and psycho stalker. What’s his deal? I mean other than being HYDRA, why do we hate him so much?” he asked, and everybody got quiet. “What? What’d I say?” he asked, looking around.
“He tried to kill us,” Simmons said from her spot beside Bobbi. She reached out and rested a hand on Fitz’s shoulder. “He won’t hurt Skye maybe, but he meant to kill us.”
“I’m glad Skye shot him,” Fitz said in a tight voice. “He put me in a- a-“ He faltered for a moment, looking at Mack with a helpless look.
“Coma,” Mack answered for him.
“Yeah, that,” Fitz muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.
Phil nodded. “He tried to kill my scientists and he’s basically evil. Good enough?”
Clint nodded, propping his feet up on the table. “Good enough for me! I never liked him anyways. Uptight little brat.”
“Not everybody can be a rebel like you, Barton,” May said, shoving his feet off the tabletop. “Now come with me to your bunk, assuming you don’t end up bunking with Coulson-“
“Mel!” Phil snapped in surprise, glaring at her.
“Don’t worry,” Clint said in a rough voice as he stalked out without May. “That sure as hell ain’t happening.”
May gave Coulson an innocent look. “What?” Phil’s jaw worked as he nodded to the table full of people and she rolled her eyes. “Calm down, it’s SHIELD, they’ll know within a week-“
“Everybody out right now,” he practically shouted, pointing at the door. Everybody jumped up and practically fled the room while May stepped back away from the door to let them pass. Once they were gone, he walked over to May. “Look, let’s get something straight, this is not a fucking game,” he snapped, clearly surprising her. “I know you’re trying to make light of the situation, but YOU didn’t hear him, Melinda! You don’t know how FUCKED UP he is, and my order to get him to join fucked him up even more!” He shook his head. “You do not joke about this with him. You do not start SHIELD rumor mill bullshit. Clint is in a bad place, and I put him there, and I’ve ruined him finally finding peace, and YOU do not get to make it any harder on him with your jokes-“
She scoffed. “He seems fine. I’m trying to make light of the situation so he stays-“
“HE ISN’T FINE!” Phil shouted. “You quit a long time ago, you don’t know him like I do, you don’t know what him faking it looks like! He can act civil and professional and joke around all he needs to, but someone that knows him can tell looking at his eyes that he’s practically on the edge of breaking right now, and you DO NOT get to push him over,” he finished forcefully, turning to yank the door open beside her so hard it slammed against the wall on his way out.
~
Phil slammed the door to his office and stripped off his jacket, slowing down once he tossed it over one of the tables by the door. He walked over to the record player and started it up, placing the arm so that music poured out, soft enough to not be oppressive but enough to distract him. He undid his tie and pulled it off, undoing his top button as he walked around his desk and tossed it down, falling into his chair with a heavy sigh. It was late and he was tired.
“You know, you shouldn’t yell at Melinda May. Men have died for less.” Phil startled when he heard Clint’s voice, looking up to see him standing across the room. He was looking at the carvings Phil still hadn’t managed to get time to fix. “Mel mentioned this. Said I should ask you about the ‘carvings’. Didn’t know what she meant.”
Phil stood up and walked around to stand in front of his desk, leaning against it. “Oh, just your everyday going crazy.”
Clint chuckled darkly. “I know how that feels.” He turned and looked at Phil, hands stuck in the pockets of his jeans.
“Clint, why did you come here?” Phil asked plainly.
Clint raised an eyebrow. “You sent my first partner to come get me.” Phil waited and Clint smiled ruefully. “Oh, you mean your office.” He nodded as he slowly wandered closer. “Well. I figured it’s better to just do it. Talk about the whole ‘you’re not dead’ thing.” He bounced his eyebrows once. “And why May seems to think me and you have something that might start going on soon or something.”
Phil looked down, tapping at the desk beside his hip. “There’s so much I want to say to you, but I should start with this.” He looked up at Clint. “I’m sorry. For everything.”
Clint frowned slightly. “For lying? Yeah, that was shitty, but it’s not like I’m the only one. I mean, sure, I’m a little hurt I didn’t get to be part of your Phil’s Pals thing, but I get it. I was in psych-“
“I wasn’t taken off the grid, Clint. I did die.” He looked up. “Loki stabbed me through the heart. I died and I died bloody. I shouldn’t have come back from that.”
“Then how did you?” Clint asked in a slightly haunted, rough tone.
Phil nodded to the wall. “Fury did something to me. Something with alien DNA. And then reprogrammed my brain. I didn’t remember dying. I remembered being saved and recovering for six months. In reality, I was dead for days. Then he did resurrection surgery on me, pumped me full of alien blood, and scrambled my brains. When I returned, they said my being alive was Level 7 and up only and the Avengers could never know.”
Clint took a sharp breath and spoke with a voice so soft it was almost lost in the rain tapping against the window. “Why?”
“I guess he knew you and Natasha were too smart to buy the bullshit story he cooked up,” Phil said honestly. He had nothing left to hide. “I should have found you both. Told you anyways. I just-“ He snorted. “I trusted the system.”
Clint rolled his shoulders, the muscles beneath his tight tee-shirt rippling in the shadows cast by the dim lights in the room. “You had no reason not to, Phil. I can get that.” He shook his head. “I’m more bummed you haven’t come since SHIELD fell. I mean… did you think I was HYDRA?” he asked, looking a little worried.
Phil shook his head. “No. Never. I know you, Clint.” Clint nodded, shuffling from foot to foot some. Phil closed his eyes. “I’m sorry I brought you in. Especially today. I tried to call off the order, but it was too late-“
“What?” Clint’s head popped up and he looked at Phil with a confused expression. “Why? Why did you try to stop? What makes you sorry-“
“I heard the voicemail from last night,” Phil admitted quietly.
Clint stopped and froze. Phil could see his throat working as he stood there before finally, he opened his mouth. “You- You heard-“
“All of them. Every one.” Phil looked down at his legs. “You had healed. You were ready to let go. And I dragged you in the very next day. I’m so sorry. I left you for two years and right when you rebuild yourself, I rip that away, too.”
Clint stepped closer, stopping just a foot away from Phil, close enough Phil could see his eyes now. “You heard them all? For the past two years? You heard- you heard-“
“I heard how much you were suffering,” Phil whispered. “I heard how much you missed me. I heard how much your life had been uprooted. I heard- I heard you telling me goodbye.”
“So May’s crack about bunking with you? She- she knows what I- How I-“ Clint swallowed hard, looking away. “What, was it some big laugh for you two? Fucked up Clint’s silly heartbreak?” he asked bitterly, starting to turn away.
Phil reached out and caught his hand, stopping him. “No,” he said firmly. He stood up straight, waiting patiently while looking at the side of Clint’s face as he faced away, half-turned to go. “Nothing about that was a joke. Nothing was funny. She was being horrible and thinking it was funny. She has a twisted sense of humor these days-“
“Did she hear? Or did you tell her?” Clint asked weakly, shoulders slumping.
“I told her. Just this morning,” Phil murmured. “I tried to cancel the order. I heard the message and I knew I’d just be hurting you more. I had no idea how you felt, Clint. And I felt sick that I was doing this to you when you were finally okay.” He shook his head. “I told her to try and explain myself.” He ducked his head. “You have every right to hate me, Clint. I understand that. But you’re here now. I know you can stay professional and hate me in silence. That’s all I could ever ask from you. I don’t have any right to ask for forgiveness.” He tightened his hold on Clint’s wrist almost imperceptivity. “I also know that I have no right to think what you felt for me before will ever be the same after all I’ve done to you. Last night and tonight are vastly different days, and I understand this type of damage isn’t something that can be fixed, so don’t think that May’s remarks mean I expect-“
“Wait, what?” Clint looked at him, a small scrunch of frown lines between his eyebrows. “You expect? Shouldn’t you be telling me you understand I need time to get over you or some shit, not something about you?”
Phil rolled his lips together, wetting them as he looked at Clint. “You said goodbye. You were ready to move on last night. Whatever my feelings on the matter, it- it doesn’t matter. You deserve to heal even though I ruined your moving on.”
Clint looked at him, searching his face as he turned to face him fully. “Phil… If you’re saying what I think you’re saying-“
Phil sighed heavily, letting his head drop. “I’m saying that you always had my love, even after I was gone, but I understand that it’s different now. Just because last night you said you had been in love with me then, things are different-“
“Over a decade, Phil,” Clint grated out, voice rough as if he’d gargled glass. “Over ten years-“
“I know,” Phil whispered, nodding. “I had a decade to tell you I love you, and I should have-“
“Oh my God.” Phil looked up and met Clint’s glistening eyes. “You loved me back. All those years…. I could have-“ His breath hitched and he shook his head. “I didn’t know, Phil.”
Phil smiled sadly. “I’m an agent of SHIELD. It’s my job.” He shrugged. “I lost my chance for something incredible, it seems. I suspected you might have an interest in me but I didn’t think it was more than physical. We were together so much I figured it was lust with some projection on my part. I never imagined you were in love with me. And now it’s too late. No amount of apologies could make up for what I put you through and what I’ve done now when you were finally moving on.”
Clint let out a laugh so broken it was like something inside him and broken loose. “You think I give a fuck about moving on, Phil?” he asked roughly. He stepped up to Phil, so that they were toe to toe, making Clint look ever so slightly down into his eyes. “Do you know what the one thing I thought when Bobbi showed up this morning?” he asked hoarsely. Phil shook his head, swallowing hard when Clint raised a hand to touch his face. “I thought, ‘oh God don’t be a dream again’,” Clint breathed. “‘Please God, don’t wake up. Please don’t take him away again. Just this one time, let it be real.’”
Phil swallowed hard, eyes wide as he stared into Clint’s eyes. “But you were so pissed when I saw you. You were so angry-“
“Of course I was fucking angry, I still am!” Clint spat. “Just because I’m pissed off doesn’t mean seeing you and knowing it was real this time wasn’t the best thing I’ve felt in two goddamn years, Phil.” Clint whimpered some, and Phil’s heart shattered when he watched a tear fall down his cheek. “You’re here, Phil,” Clint said with a shuddering breath. He curled both hands around Phil’s head, palms cradling his face. “You’re real this time. I’m not- I’m not going to wake up alone.” He leaned their foreheads together, letting out a weak sob. “No level of pissed compares to you.”
Phil couldn’t hold it in anymore and he let out a rough gasp, hands going to Clint’s sides, fisting in his shirt as he felt the solid warmth of Clint beneath his hands. “Clint.”
Clint laughed and nodded, practically petting Phil’s hair as he looked into his eyes, foreheads still touching. “Yeah,” he breathed before his eyes flickered down to Phil’s lips. Phil didn’t bother suppressing a shiver as he watched Clint lick his lips before looking back up to Phil’s eyes. “I’m gonna kiss you, Sir, so if you don’t want me to, you bet-“ Phil closed the gap for him, kissing Clint firmly.
There was no hesitance, nothing tentative about it, Clint melted into the kiss, nail scraping Phil’s jaw as he slid his hand into the back of Phil’s hair, the other hand sliding down his chest to clench tightly in his shirt, holding him close. Clint moaned into his mouth as Phil slid his arms around him, pulling until their bodies were flush, one hand on Clint’s back, the other lower around his hips. Clint’s arms went around Phil’s shoulders, holding him back just as hard. It was everything Phil could’ve ever dreamed of. More than that. Clint was here, and in his arms, and kissing him. It was everything Phil had ever craved and it was like coming home all at once.
When they broke for air, both of them panting and swaying some due to the lack of oxygen and attention focused somewhere besides balance, Phil let out a hoarse laugh, leaning their temples together. “I love you, Clint,” he whispered in his ear. “I’m sorry.”
Clint shook his head, shushing him as he laid his head on Phil’s shoulder, arms around him tightly. “Don’t ever apologize for loving me. Don’t you dare.”
“I’m sorry for ruining your healing process then,” Phil said and Clint hummed, shaking his head as he pressed his lips to the side of Phil’s neck, cheek on his shoulder.
“That neither.” He smiled as he turned his head the other way, relaxing into Phil’s hold. “If you hadn’t, I’d never have known what it feels like to be loved back.”
Phil’s breath stuttered some but he nodded, pressing his lips to Clint’s hair. “Okay then. I’m not sorry. Not sorry at all.”
Clint chuckled and squeezed Phil some. “That’s what I’m talking about.”