Work Text:
The TV screen flickers for a moment before the image settles.
It shows a kitchen, immaculate and proper. Marble counters shine under the sun that enters through the window above the sink. Polished metal appliances look brand new. Cooking equipment stands at the ready.
After panning around the kitchen for a minute the image settles on the main counter top. Into the frame rushes a little boy in a suit jacket and knee high dress pants, a red bow tie sitting above his white dress shirt. He vaults himself onto the counter and grins at the camera, curly hair bouncing with him.
"Hiya folks! Welcome to Alfred's Kitchen! Y'all are real lucky cause no one is ever allowed in here. Alfie would have made mincemeat out of ya! But-" the boy points to himself with his thumb, straightening his back in pride," I pulled a few strings, called a few people. You guys get to see the magic happen cause of me. "
A voice from off screen cut the child off.
"By 'pulling strings' Todd, I assume you mean you badgered Alfred with sad eyes until he agreed."
The boy glared at something to the side.
"Shut it, I'm hosting." Clearing his throat he turned back to the camera.
"For those of you who haven't seen my face plastered around, my name's Jason Todd-Wayne and I'm your host! Me and Alfie-"
"'Alfred and I' young sir."
"Oh, right. Sorry. Alfred and I are gonna be showing four useless rich people how to cook!"
"Useless?"
The boy turned his head to something off camera again, a furrow in his brow. "Right, sorry. Three useless rich people and one Cass."
"Didn't she burn her leftovers the other day because she turned on the wrong part of the stove?"
"Father. Of all of us you have the least room to cast stones."
Rolling his eyes and with swaying feet Jason turned back to the audience.
"The mission is near impossible but me and Alfie ain't quitters. If by the end of it one of 'em makes something edible I'll call it a win. Ain't that right Al?"
A very posh elderly gentleman in a suit walked into frame and stood next to the young host, an amused twitch to his mustache.
"Quite right Master Jason. Why don't you explain to our dear viewers how this will go?"
The kid nodded serious and raised his index finger up. "Alright, here's the deal! All of 'em will be given a recipe and ingredients. They're all working at the same time. Alfie and I will go around every person to try and help out. Everyone has simple stuff that shouldn't take more than an hour." Jason inclined his head a bit, scrunching his eyebrows." Did I miss somethin'? "
"The reward sir."
Jason snapped his fingers. "That's it! Whoever makes their recipe up to snuff gets to choose the menu for an entire day."
Someone snorted off camera. "Chipmunk if I win I promise nothing but hamburgers for the whole day, help my cause."
"The child is far too intelligent to fall for your trickery Drake. He has taste. He will vastly prefer the rich tastes of the east, which I will win. "
"Right. Cause a ten year old American kid would pick shawarma over hamburgers. Makes sense."
"And you assume he will rig the contest for pedestrian processed meat on stale bread and chemically sprayed lettuce leaves. Either you are that cheap or are insulting Jason by claiming he is."
"The only cheap insult here is that outfit Damian. Did you raid Bruce's closet again? Maybe we should put a lock on the door."
"I'm surrounded by knives Drake, I recommend you think carefully-"
"Boys."
With the sounds of a light scuffle in the background Jason hops off of the counter and walks to his right, taking the camera to a separate counter. At it stands a young Asian woman wearing a simple yellow dress that brushes her ankles. Over the dress is a white apron and on her head an oversized chef's hat.
Jason gestured to her.
"Our first contestant is Cass!"
Cass waved at the camera as the words "Cassandra Cain-Wayne" appeared at the bottom of the screen.
"She's the second oldest…I think. Hard to tell. But she's the only one I have any hope for anyway so that makes her my favorite."
An offended 'hey!' could be heard beyond the camera.
"What's her recipe Alfie?"
"Miss Cassandra will be learning how to make Spaghetti and sauce. "
"What kinda sauce?"
"I'm afraid we'll stick to pre-made tomato sauce for this one."
"Sweet."
The butler proceeded to pull out a short recipe card and hand it to the now serious looking girl. She nodded and saluted the butler before turning around and gathering various ingredients. The two hosts moved on to the next table.
At this one stood a tall handsome man in a black turtle neck, Brucie Wayne smile ready for the camera. Jason reached the counter and tried to pull himself up like before but couldn't find purchase on the shiny marble. Bruce leaned over and picked the boy up before setting him down on the edge, amused look on his face.
Jason swat at his hands, embarrassed.
"I had it you jacka- you jerk."
Bruce shrugged. "Even hosts can use a little help. So Jaylad, what's my recipe?"
Turning to the camera with a huff Jason gestured to the man.
"Our next guest is Gotham's resident old man, Bruce Wayne. He sucks."
Wayne chuckled and ruffled the kid's hair.
"Glad to see you have such a high opinion of me. "
Alfred handed the man the card and spoke.
"Your mission master Bruce is to make an omelet."
"Just that?"
"Rather simple, yes. Do not let it fool you into over confidence sir. "
"Yeah, don't fuck it up."
"Language Jay. You're not allowed to say that on TV either."
With an eyeroll Jason jumped off the counter. "Seems like the TV's problem. But fine, I'll be nice. Wouldn't want Tim learning a bad word."
Leaving Bruce to his devices the two moved on to the next table, where a very similar sight greeted them, albeit in a darker skin tone and slightly smaller but taller frame.
"Finally. I could have finished by now."
"Anyone ever tell you you're a real fun guy Damian?"
"No."
"Yeah, that's what I figured."
A snort came from off camera. Jason continued.
"Anyway, Damian's the oldest kid here! You'd think he'd know how to make something to eat by now but I've never seen him make anything other than tea so." the boy shrugged. "I don't have my hopes up."
"Firstly, I am not a 'kid'. I am an adult. Secondly, if you and Pennyworth would finally issue the challenge I can show you exactly how wrong you are."
Alfred stepped in then.
"Quite right sir. Your recipe is simple chocolate chip muffins."
Damian grabbed the card with a huff, thanked the butler and got to work without a single word more. Seeing this as being dismissed they went to the last table.
A teen with chin length hair stood leaned on the counter, a spoon balancing on the tip of his nose. His skin seemed too pale to be healthy, his eyed wide and blue. Jason came up to the counter and stood on his toes so be could see what Tim was doing. Seemingly unimpressed by what he found, he lightly kicked at Tim's leg and the spoon fell with a clack.
"Hey! I almost beat my record."
"Either pay attention or you're the one that's gonna be beat."
Tim raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Sure chipmunk. As soon as you evolve into something that's higher than two inches and can't be carried off by a strong breeze."
Note to all viewers.
In case you find yourself as part of a TV show, learn from Tim's mistakes and never insult your host. It never ends well.
Jason's eye twitched before he gave Tim a tight-lipped grin and moved to the side so Alfred could give Tim his card.
"Your task Master Timothy is to make bread dough."
"Just the dough? I don't have to bake it?"
"That would exceed our one hour time limit I'm afraid."
"Ah." Tim played with the card and sent Jason one more suspicious glance before he too set off to work.
Alfred and Jay circled back to the counter from the beginning.
"Well Master Jason, while we wait for them to get into their tasks, can you tell me if you're able to make any of the mentioned recipes?"
"Umm. I can make spaghetti, and a bunch of other pastas. That's easy. I've made eggs but not omelets I think, I just made the sunny side up. Never did muffins. Oh, but you taught me how to make dough!"
"Quite. You are rather capable for a young man of your age sir."
Jason but the inside of his cheek to try and keep it from turning red.
"Aw, it's just basics Al."
"I disagree. What you know is already better than our guests I assure you."
"That bad huh?"
"Shall we see?"
Jason nodded and the two moved back to the tables, this time starting with Bruce.
The man stood next to a large bowl that seemed to have a mess of something in it. Jason watched as Bruce picked up an egg and, with the strength of an overly enthusiastic bodybuilder, slammed the egg against the edge, most of it ending on his hands.
Bruce sighed, wiped his hands and deposited the mess into a trashcan. Jason looked down to see four other eggs already down there.
"Yikes B. I know you're rich but this is just wasteful."
Bruce didn't reply, going in for another egg.
This time, he took it impossibly slow, bringing the egg to the edge millimeter by millimeter. Finally there, he tapped the egg so softly it didn't even make a sound.
Nothing happened.
He tapped it again, just a little bit faster.
Nothing happened.
He added a bit more strength.
Nothing happened.
Bruce's eyebrow twitched.
Finally, he gave the egg a decent knock.
Not a scratch.
He added even more strength. It broke in his hands again.
Bruce stared at his sad little egg puddle.
Jason looked on astounded. He mouthed a "wow" at the camera before walking around the counter where the camera couldn't see him anymore.
After a second, a pair of hands raised into the air behind the counter and Bruce snapped out of his mourning for the egg to pick Jason up and set him on the counter. Jason's cheeks were tinged a bit pink but he kept going like nothing happened, clearing his throat and snapping his fingers in front of Bruce.
"Pay attention." Jay picked up an egg and in a swift movement cracked it halfway against the bowl. The egg was then separated into two by a little movement of Jay's fingers and a perfect egg fell into the bowl.
Bruce hummed, a hand on his chin. Nodding, he grabbed another egg and tried to mimic Jason's movement. The first tap was too light again, but the second worked and a crack formed. Jay grinned at him. "There ya go! Now just separate it."
Bruce followed the instructions and an egg successfully made its way out.
They just forgot to position it above a bowl.
The egg plummeted to its demise onto the floor, but was saved when Alfred caught it mid-flight in a cup.
"Always pay attention to your surroundings young sirs. The kitchen is a place of focus and attention."
Jay sheepishly grinned at the butler. "Whoops."
They stayed a bit longer to make sure Bruce cracked another egg successfully and moved on to Damian, who was mixing his ingredients like they personally offended him.
"I believe the instructions said to stir, not to mutilate Master Damian."
Damian raised an eyebrow. "They said to insure no clumps."
"I do not see any myself, do you?"
Damian glared down at the bowl and nodded. "Yes, in the upper right. They are deceitful like that, they only bubble up if you wait them out. I refuse to be tricked."
Jason and Alfred shared a look. Jason shrugged. Alfred shook his head.
"I believe a few clumps won't ruin the recipe sir."
"It would not be on the card if it was unnecessary Pennyworth. Now, please stop distracting me. I must assure my victory."
The two left Damian stirring the ingredients like a man possessed by the ghost of a Russian grandmother.
Tim seemed to be taking things slow, humming a show tune as he measured his ingredients precisely. Jason once again stood on his toes so he could get a look over Tim's counter when something sinister entered his eyes.
After Tim turned around to grab a flour bag Jay darted in and replaced the milk with yogurt. He switched the yeast with vanilla sugar and stole Tim's butter. By the time Tim came back Jay would be standing next to Alfred like he hadn't moved.
Satisfied with his measurements, Tim started to combine the ingredients, stopping only when he couldn't find his butter.
"You forget something Tim?"
"I don't think I did. No, I distinctly remember measuring the butter.", his eyes narrowed on the innocent looking little boy. "What did you do with it Jay."
"Me? Nothing. Damian did say he needed some butter for his muffins though."
Tim's eye twitched. "Oh he did, did he."
"Yep. You need a lot of butter for muffins, don't ya Al?"
"A sizable amount I'd say sir."
Jay nodded completely serious. "He probably ran out."
Smiling at the camera Tim bit out an "excuse me." and disappeared off screen. Muffled sounds of shouts and the banging of pots and pans could be heard. Jason snickered and the camera panned over to see Tim swinging a frying pan at Damian who blocked the blow with a pot lid. The camera quickly panned back to a smug looking Jason.
"Was that necessary Master Jason?"
"I told him he'd get beat Al, it's not my fault."
Alfred's mustache twitched but he didn't comment further, the two finally moving to their first guest. Cassandra stared intently at a large metal pot, not looking away for a second.
"Heya Cass. Whatch'ya doing?"
Cass signed something quickly and Alfred interpreted for the audience.
"She is waiting for the water to boil."
"All this time you've just been waiting for the water to boil?"
Cass shrugged, still not taking her eyes off the pot. Alfred walked over and examined the situation, exclaiming after a moment.
"Ah, I do believe I see the issue." He gently pushed Cassandra aside and turned a knob on the oven.
"You turned on the wrong part of the stove again my dear."
An annoyed look painted Cass's face, glaring at the oven as if it was the one at fault.
"How do you tell which knob is which anyway Al?"
"Do you see the little dots above them?"
"Umm, yeah, I can see something."
"The dots are positioned to tell you which part of the stove it will turn on."
"Oh." Jay tested it out, smiling when it worked. "Cool. You got it now Cass?"
Cass nodded, focus clear on her face. "I knew that."
"Then why did ya get it wrong?"
She leaned down a little and her chef's hat fell completely over her eyes, obscuring her vision. She pulled it back. Jay hummed out in understanding.
"You should take it off if it's bothering you."
Cass nodded and transferred the chef's hat from her head to Alfred's , where it fit far more comfortably. Alfred smiled at the girl and thanked her for the gesture.
With that resolved she went back to staring at her pot and Jason and Alfred reconvened at the front counter.
"I'm starting to think this was a horrible idea Al."
"Do not lose heart Master Jason. We must not give up on our endeavors if we wish to teach our guests a lesson."
Jason sighed dramatically. "They seem hopeless if ya ask me but alright."
Then the boy's nose twitched, his head turning to something off screen.
"Is something burning?"
The camera panned to Bruce's stove where he calmly looks on as his omelet burns.
"Old man, flip that thing over!"
"Not yet Jay, the recipe says to keep it on 100° for 2 minutes."
"Your stove is on 200°"
"Yes, so it should be done in a minute."
Jason resisted the urge to face palm and handed Bruce a spatula, Alfred turning the heat down. Bruce looked unconvinced but he flipped the omelet anyway, surprised to see the underside burned.
"That doesn't look right."
"No kidding. You're supposed to fry it, not incini- incina-incine-"
"Incinerate."
"Incinerate it, yeah."
"I'll keep it in mind. Thank you Jay. Thank you Alfred."
"Our pleasure sir."
Bruce finished the rest of his omelet up and put it on a plate, wisely placing the burned side down. If you looked carefully you could see pieces of egg shell poking out of the smoking meal. Alfred pat Bruce on the shoulder and Wayne looked happy with himself for a moment before Alfred took the plate and discarded the meal into the trashcan.
Bruce sighed while Jason snickered, both knowing Bruce lost the challenge.
With one contestant down the three moved on to Tim. He seemed to be wrestling with his muddy dough, sweat forming on his forehead.
"That don't look too right Tim."
"It'll get there. I watched a video about this once, it looks awful until you kneed it into shape."
"Did you follow the recipe Tim?"
"Of course I did Bruce, I'm not an idiot."
"Maybe you missed something."
"I was the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. I can read a simple instruction."
Bruce hummed and grabbed Tim's card anyway, seemingly confused by something. He grabbed the bowl of "milk" and tasted it, surprised by the flavor.
Jason slowly started backing away.
"Was this the milk you used?"
"Yeah, why?"
Cass sent Jason a goodbye wave as he passed her table.
"Because this isn't milk, it's yogurt."
Tim grabbed the bowl and examined it himself, suspicion quickly replaced by understanding.
"Why that little-" He turned to look for Jason, smiling a bit when he spotted him. Tim grabbed a nearby bowl of flour and started to walk off screen.
"Little Red~ Come back here and give your big brother a hug."
The sounds of a yelp and two sets of feet running away were accompanied by Bruce's amused expressions and Alfred's disappointed one. Alfred dutifully grabbed Tim's unfortunate disaster and gave it the same send-off he did to Bruce's attempt.
Two down, two to go.
Alfred and Bruce made their way back to Cassandra, who seemed to be doing alright for herself. The spaghetti was strained and waiting on a counter while she opened her jar of premade sauce and poured it into a small pot.
"That looks great Cass."
She beamed up at Bruce and signed something quickly. Bruce put a proud hand onto her shoulder with a smile. Alfred made sure she turned on the right knob this time. Satisfied, the two let her continue, making their way to Damian.
Damian who was still stirring his ingredients.
"Master Damian, I implore you to continue the recipe. There can't possibly be anymore clumps left."
The bowl was put down and Damian scoffed. "There will be. Keep your eyes on the edges."
Bruce and Alfred leaned over the bowl and waited in silence. A second. Two. And truly, a singular clump bubbled up from the depths like a vengeful spirit.
"See, I was right."
"While I applaud your attention to detail sir, the hour is almost up. I'm afraid you won't bake them in time unless you put them in right away."
Understanding shifted across his face and Damian finally put the whisk down. He nodded and grabbed the muffin tin, working quickly on filling the cups. Bruce instinctively grabbed and held so Damian could fill them, the two working silently. They successfully filled the tin like a well oiled machine and placed it into the oven.
They looked at the oven. In unison they nodded in satisfaction. Damian realized he had mimicked his father perfectly and turned his head away to cover his embarrassment. Bruce gave his kid a one armed hug.
With nothing left but to wait Alfred, Damian and Bruce made their way to the main counter.
"It seems we'll have two winners Alfred. What happens then?"
"They each get a day of course."
"Sounds like a two day roller-coaster ride of spices and ice cream."
"I suppose you shall have to manage sir."
"Me?"
"Well of course, along with most of your children. Jason and I are exempt due to our delicate diets."
"Which means that while Tim and I are drowning in curry and Ben and Jerry's you'll be-"
"Enjoying some prime grilled steak and potatoes with the young master, along with seasonal salad and fruit cups."
"You like to tease me, don't you Al."
"Never dream of it sir."
A sudden sound of footsteps brought Jason and Tim back into frame, both covered in flour from head to toe. Jason ran passed them first, grinning with Tim on his heels. They went between the counters, Jason dogging Tim's grabs. They passed Damian's station and Jay threw a whisk at Tim in attempt to slow him down. Tim dogged it. He also dogged the ladle Jay threw, the measuring cup, the kitchen rag and the metal pot.
As they were passing Cass's station Tim finally caught up and tackled Jay. The kid tripped him up though, and the two went crashing into the work station, knocking everything over. Cass's quick hands saved the tomato sauce from doom but they all watched in slow motion as the spaghetti slowly tipped over the edge and splattered on the floor.
Silence. A second, two. They looked to Cass. She looked at the destroyed meal.
Jason and Tim held their breath.
Cass's shoulders slumped and a sad expression came over her face.
The expression of "oh, we fucked up" that crossed both their faces was clearly captured by the camera.
Damian picked both of them up, Tim by his shirt collar and Jay by his jacket. He looked at them with an angry expression one might expect on an executioner.
"You imbeciles ruined Cassandra's meal." he shook them a bit. "Her hard work is wasted because of you. Apologize."
A high pitched "We're sorry Cass." and a lower "We're sorry Cass" called out in unison. She looked them over and, seeing they really meant it, shrugged, dipped her finger into the surviving sauce and tried it, smiling at the sweet flavor. She gestured for Damian to let the two down.
The boys landed on their feet. Tim sheepishly smiled at Cass while Jay tried to put his outfit back in some semblance of order.
"We'll make it up to you Cass, promise."
"How."
"Well", Tim seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding, "I was going to wait till your birthday but I found a place that lets you rent out an amusement park for a whole day. A whole day of roller-coasters and all the cotton candy you want. No waiting and no crowds. You can bring anyone you want.”
She stared at him for a moment before nodding, satisfied with her trade. Jason let out a sigh of relief and all of them made their way to the main counter, where Bruce and Alfred still waited.
Damian leaned against the counter, while Jason jumped up on it. The little boy shook his head to clear some of the flour and Damian scowled as the cloud got flour all over him. While Tim cleaned himself off with a rag Cass provided, Bruce picked out a piece of eggshell from his hair, confused as to how it got there.
"Well Master Damian, this leaves only you."
"I'm insulted you ever doubted me Pennyworth. I am the only one here who has successfully lived on his own after all."
"Do forgive my skepticism, seeing as your take out bill for a week exceeds my monthly grocery bill."
Damian started to defend himself but was cut off by Cass who handed Alfred her tomato sauce. He raised his eyebrows at the pot but indulged the girl by taste testing it and nodding.
"Well done miss Cassandra. Shame about the spaghetti but I do not doubt it would have been a success."
She signed something and Alfred seemed to think about it, coming to a conclusion.
"Yes, I do suppose the sauce warrants a reward on its own. We may have ice cream deserters tomorrow."
At the news she gave a little jump, happy smile on her face. A hand darted in front of her and swiped a bit of the sauce, Bruce testing it for himself.
"Hmmmmm."
She stared waiting for his verdict.
"It's good."
Bruce ended up with arms full of grinning Cassandra before she pulled away to share her culinary success.
As the rest of the family tried her meal a timer sounded, bringing the challenge to an end. The hour had passed.
They pulled out Damian's muffins but unfortunately they turned out too mushy, far too little time spent in the oven.
Tim snickered as they fell apart on a plate and Damian looked like he had eaten something unbelievably sour. Jay pat his arm in consolation.
"So no one won?"
"Well, if I remember correctly Master Jason, you said we would be victorious if at least one of them made something edible." Alfred gestured to the tomato sauce. "It is modest but I believe it counts."
Jason agreed, holding up the tomato sauce like a trophy.
"Well, no winner but at least we have the least loser!"
A chorus of congratulations for Cassandra's tomato sauce were heard as the credits started rolling on the side of the screen.
"Wait, so what are we going to eat for dinner then?"
"Not to fret Master Jason." Alfred placed the chef's hat onto Jason's head, tipping it back so it wouldn't engulf his whole head.
"I've taken the liberty of preparing some lovely steak. I suppose we can share with our honorable losers as well."
Jay smiled up at Alfred before facing the camera again.
"Well, that's all folks. We've gotta run but thanks for tuning in!"
The screen cut to black from Jason's grinning face, the show coming to an end.
...
Funny, even though the show was over Jason could swear he still smelled steak in the air. But the TV wasn't turning back on. Though. Sound still seemed to be coming from somewhere.
"-son"
The TV maybe? But it sounded kinda far away. And the screen seemed to be fading.
"-Jason? Come on Jay, time to wake up."
Jason opened his eyes at the words, flinching from the sudden light around him. An actual TV flickered in front of him in the dark room.
"B? Is that you?"
"Yeah Jay. You fell asleep watching the TV. You're in the living room."
The boy rubbed his eyes and focused in on Bruce as he recalled the past day.
That's right.
Alfred had finally let Jay leave the room after his fever broke. He was still on strict bed rest for the pneumonia but they let him walk around the manor now. Getting dropped into the river kinda wrecked his system.
Feeling the last hints of sleep disappear Jay got to his feet and let Bruce steer him to the dining room, the smell of steak and potatoes unbelievably inviting.
"Hey B?"
"Yeah Jay?"
"Can we buy a chef's hat?"