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When he was a kid he caught the end of one of those dramas about the apocalypse and it scared him. He’d gone downstairs late one night, wanting some water and he’d peeked through to door to see his Mum and Dad watching it. For weeks after he’d had nightmares of the world ending and him being all alone. When it actually happens though, it’s not with a bang or anything so dramatic. In reality it’s two little words that bring his world crumbling down around him.
“Lee’s dead.”
The room is perfectly quiet at Vic’s words, as if none of them quite know what to do. All he can see is Robert’s panicked face. They both know what this means. It means a murder charge, at best manslaughter. It means Robert going to prison, possibly for years.
Then Robert’s talking, his voice carrying through the fog of panic that’s filling his head.
“If anyone’s going then it’s me on my own.”
He stares at him, their silent conversation telling him everything. His next words are the truth, he’s useless without him. There’s no question that he’s staying behind
From then it’s a rush, making sure Seb’s taken care of, that Vic will take him back to Rebecca and try to explain, packing enough clothes for the night, they don’t have time for anything else. When he comes out of the bathroom, hands full of stuff they might need he finds Robert sitting on the bed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Is this the right thing?”
“Yeah. There’s no other choice. Robert we don’t have time. We have to go.”
“We won’t get anywhere, you don’t think they’ll have my name everywhere as soon as they can? How will we even get out of the country?”
“Look, let’s just get out of here first and then we’ll sort it. If we stay here the police will come and then we’ll have no choice. If we leave we have a chance.”
“I should go on my own. You don’t need to be dragged into this.” He shakes his head, there’s no way, the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. “I mean it. Your family, the scrapyard, I’d be dragging you away from it all because I was stupid.”
“You’re my husband, you think that stops just because things get tough? I meant those vows you know. Now come on, get packed.”
Even in his wildest dreams he hadn’t thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to Seb. He tries to say everything he needs to while the little boy plays with his trucks. The little boy he’d once thought he could never love, who had won him over the minute he held him. Would he ever remember them, would he hate them for leaving him like this? He presses a kiss to the top of his hair and then makes his excuses about sorting the two cars because he can’t watch Robert say goodbye to his son.
By the time Robert’s done his Mum and Paddy are there and he makes the goodbyes as quick as he can but of course his Mum doesn’t want him to go, using the baby to try and stop him, demanding he doesn’t leave. He says the only thing he can.
“I choose Robert.”
—————
It was idyllic, the sun coming through the trees, the only noise the birds singing and the distant hum of traffic.. It really was idyllic. If he closed his eyes he could imagine they were on a picnic, the three of them, Seb taking a nap after wearing himself out exploring, he and Robert enjoying the quiet. Instead he’s looking around expecting the police to jump out any second. They’d driven for an hour, far enough away that they wouldn’t be found quickly, driving the cars down a track that looked like it hadn’t been used for years, deep enough that it couldn’t be seen easily, and now they were waiting, sat in the woods like they had years before.
"So we're agreed?" Robert asks breaking the silence. They’d talked this over so many times and there was no other way.
"Yeah." They needed to get out of the country and to do that they needed passports. Robert’s contacts had come up blank, leaving Aaron with no choice but to call Cain. Now it was all set. "I'll go and get the passports from Cain and more of our stuff, then meet you. Cain can pick up the car we leave later.”
"And you're really sure? Because it's asking a lot I know and I won't...if you wanted to stay."
"I'm sure." It wasn't even a question. No one got it, not his Mum, not Liv, no one. He thinks maybe Cain comes the closest. He had to be with Robert. Couldn't even contemplate letting him go. “Like I said, useless without ya, aren’t I?”
“I know but…we can never come back Aaron. Can you really handle not seeing Liv again, or your Mum or the baby?”
“I can’t handle not seeing you again. I’m not saying it’ll be easy but there isn’t a choice. Throughout our lives together remember. That wasn’t just about the easy bits.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Stuck with me now though.” Robert grins, the first one since they’d heard the news and he smiles back. “Right, so you find somewhere near the port then text me.”
“Right.”
“I’ll find you and then we’re gone.” It sounded so so simple, he could only hope it was that easy in reality.
"Then it’ll be me, you, little chateau, by the river maybe.” It sounds like a dream.
“We could even get a little veg patch."
"Fancy yourself in a pair of wellies do you?" Robert's laughing and for a few seconds he revels in it, the normality, before he sobers. "We're really doing this aren't we?"
"Looks that way."
"And it doesn't matter that we'll have nothing?”
“Are you forgetting I’ve done this before.” There was some kind of joke in there, going on the run twice in a lifetime. “Been there done it, got the criminal record.”
“You had Ed then.”
“Yeah, for all the help he was. Spent most of the first month panicking every time he saw a uniform. The security guard at the local supermarket nearly gave him a heart attack. At least you’ve got a bit of sense about you.”
“Cheers.”
“Listen to me, I don’t care what I have as long as I’m with you. What about you? I mean you're leaving behind just as much as I am."
"I don't have any choice though. I can’t handle prison Aaron, I know it. Anyway, I’d rather live out my days living my best life with you with nothing than not have you at all. But you, you have a choice.” He pretends not to hear the wobble in his voice because this is where they are now, they've made the choice. No going back.
“No I don’t.” They go back to sitting in silence, waiting, thinking, until his phone lights up. He picks up his phone. "It's Cain. He's got them.”
“That was fast.”
“Amazing what you can get if you offer enough money.”
"You're sure going back to the village is safe? Why couldn’t he meet you somewhere else.”
“I don’t know, there’s something up with him. I’ll be fine, I’ll be in and out. They can't get me on anything anyway. The worst they can do is hold me up but like I said, you wait twenty four hours and if I'm not there you go, however you can.”
"But..."
"No. You go. I mean it Robert you get away. I'll find you. Don't you dare do anything stupid like giving yourself up."
"Yes boss.” He takes a minute, just in case, to drink him in and then he’s getting up, kissing him, lingering as long as he dares before he leaves.
—————
He's halfway home when Cain calls telling him he's held up and to wait, that he's sending them over with Billy. Aaron rolls his eyes at that, him of all people. Whatever is going on with his uncle better be worth it.
He's sat at the edge of the village not daring to go any further until he has to, for all his bravado in front of Robert, he doesn't much fancy being hauled in by the police, even if they couldn't actually prove he'd helped Robert in any way. It would just waste time. Time they didn't have.
After he’s met Billy and got the passports and the cash Cain has managed to get together, he goes to the house, wanting to grab enough to tide them over for a few days. Sentimental it might be but he threw a few pictures of Seb in too alongside their wedding album. At least they’d have the memories wherever they ended up. As he’s zipping up the bag he hears the door slam downstairs.
"Hello?" Instantly on edge he grabs the bag making his way to the top of the stairs, half expecting find a police firearm in his face. Instead he finds Paddy standing between the stairs and the door. "Paddy, what is it? I don't have a lot of time."
"I saw Billy.” Fucking Billy, he should’ve known he'd mess it up.
"I don't need this." He goes to walk past him, cursing Cain, but Paddy stops him, and that's when he sees Liv sat at the table. "Paddy get out of the way,"
"Listen to him Aaron."
"I know what he wants to say and I gave you my answer this morning. I choose Robert. Now move, I need to go."
“No. I can’t let you do this to your mother. Not when she’s in the state she is.” There it was the tone he was so used to, like he was a naughty child. He wasn’t that person any more.
“She’s pregnant Paddy, and everything is fine so there’s no need for the dramatics. Did she send you?”
“No, but she’ll probably know by now. I told Marlon.”
“Terrific. Why not just send an email to Hotten nick. So, what are you going to do about it? And what's your part in all this?" He switches his attention to his sister, suddenly mute in the corner.
“I’m trying to help you see sense.”
“Liv, don’t do this. You told us this morning, you said we should go.” All he gets is a shrug.
“I changed my mind, I don’t want you to go. At least let us talk. You didn’t even give us a proper chance to say goodbye.”
"You understand that the police could’ve turned up any minute night? Did you want me to throw a party?"
"Aaron."
"What!" He turns back to Paddy. "You know what. I don't have time for this. Robert's waiting."
"You're really going to throw your life away. for him?" The sneering tone whenever he talks about Robert is back. Had it ever gone away or had he just ignored it. “You won’t be able to come back. Can you really do that, give up everything? Everything you’ve managed to build up here, the life you have?”
“That’s what you don’t understand.He is my life! Nothing else matters except for him.”
“You’re about to do the most stupid thing imaginable. For him. He killed someone Aaron."
"A rapist. Don't you ever try and tell me I should feel sorry for someone like him. Robert did the world a favour and if you didn't hate him you'd admit it."
"He broke the law and just like always he thinks he can just get away with it,”
"You call this getting away with it? He wishes he was surprised that Paddy was behaving like this but he wasn't. "He's giving up everything, his business, his home, his family, his son. You think that's easy?"
"Maybe he should've thought about that before he killed someone. Maybe Seb will be better off." Aaron can't help himself, steps up in Paddy's face ignoring Liv's protests and it takes everything he’s got not to push him out of the way. Only because it’s him does he not give into the urge.
“Whatever you think about Robert even you can’t deny he’s a good Dad. The best Dad, so don’t even go there.” He bends to pick up the bag again. “I’m done. I need to go, so are you going to let me pass?”
"No. You're staying here until you see sense.” Paddy nods at Liv and she finally moves. He frowns as all she does is go to the kitchen window. It takes a few seconds to realise she’s locking them.
"You're not serious?"
“Every door and every window is locked. I love you Aaron, you’re not going to get your own way. I'm not letting you ruin you life over him.”
"So you're keeping me prisoner?” He’s going to wake up in a minute and find this is some kind of drug induced nightmare he’s sure of it.
"If necessary."
"For how long?” They can’t be serious. Any minute now they’re going to laugh and send him on his way because he’s having a hard time believing that people he loves would do this to him.
"As long as it takes.”
"Best get comfy forever then because the second your back is turned I'm gone.” He’s not quick enough to stop Paddy moving past him and he can only watch as he throws the keys into the waste disposal.
“Oh that was clever. So tell me, how are you going to get out?”
“I’ll think about that when you’re not being so stupid.” He sits in the chair he’s moved to in front of the door, the one he picked out, the one they argued over because it didn’t match the sofa and Robert hated, the one he insisted on because it was big enough for both of them to sit in if they were really close.
“I’m being stupid? You’ve just locked three adults in a house and thrown the keys away. Real mature that. Now you’ve had your fun, but I’m done. You either let me leave or I’m callin’ the police.”
“Go ahead. I doubt they’ll let you go any more than I will.” He just stares at him, wondering where the Paddy he used to know had gone. The one who had seen him through one of the toughest times in his life, who had sat by his hospital bed when he’d thought there was no point in carrying on. The person in front of him wasn’t that man, he didn’t know who this was.
“I’ll have to take my chance won’t I?”
”Aaron. Don't be ridiculous. You’ll go to prison!”
“Fine. Not like I’m going to have a life here is it? If you’re willing to stand by and let me go back there then so be it.” He’s bluffing, it’d kill him he knows it would, but maybe just maybe it’ll bring them to their senses.
“He’s not worth ruining your life over!”
“See that's what you don't get. He is my life. Without him…without him I don’t have anything.” He ignores the cry coming from Liv. He didn’t mean to hurt her but he’s only speaking the truth. Without Robert he’d merely be existing.
He knows exactly how it would go, a repeat of the months after they broke up. The sympathetic looks would last for so long and then their tactics would change, the odd mentions of cute guys, of how he should get out more, how Robert wouldn’t want him wasting his life. He wouldn’t be able to cope with it, not again.
He has to come up with something, he was wasting time here, and they weren’t going to budge he knew that, but he had to get out. He’s frantically trying to think where there might be a spare key hidden. Robert was obsessive about them losing their keys so he had them stashed everywhere but right now his brain is so muddled he can’t remember where he put them.
“Seeing sense are you?”
“No, just trying to work out how to get out without hurting you.”
“You can’t. And besides we can’t let you. You’ll see we’re right in the end. You know the police, they’d think he masterminded this. All you’re doing is adding time to his sentence when they catch you, which they will.”
“We’ll be long gone by then.”
“You and Robert against the world? Do you think that’s going to last forever, that you’re not going to resent each other for everything you’ve had to give up.” They’re wrong and he wants to shout it from the rooftops. He doesn’t have anything to give up that’s worth more than Robert and if they’re together then nothing else would matter.
“This is our only option you know, I’m not choosing this.”
“But Robert did. Robert chose the day he ignored you and Victoria, the day he went out and attacked Lee, just like I did the day I went to Pierce’s office and smacked him one for what he did to Rhona.”
“There you go. He was just protecting his sister.”
“But she didn’t want that Aaron. Can’t you see, this is what he does! He always has to get his own way! It was all about him, and what he wanted. I was the same, it was about my need to do something. Ended up nearly ruining the court case for Rhona in the end.”
“Yeah, well Vic didn’t even get a court case did she?”
“That’s not the point and you know it. He still killed someone, someone’s son, someone’s brother.”
“Paddy you really are mental if you think I’m going to feel one ounce of sympathy for a rapist.”
“Aaron, he’s not a hero. He’s selfish, and he’s reckless and I know you don’t want to hear this but if he valued your marriage even half as much as you do…”
“Oh Paddy will you just be quiet. You know nothing about our marriage. The only time you bother with us is to tell us what we’re doing wrong or when Mum drags you. I get it, you don’t like him.
“And why is that? He’s turned you against us, me and your Mum.”
“No, no. You’ve done that yourself. Do you think he didn’t tell me what you said before our first wedding? When we broke up? Always in his ear like an annoying little flea aren’t you, whispering your poison. Whatever you say isn’t going to change anything, you might as well save your breath.”
“This is the man who tried to kill me. Twice. He cheated on you. He had a child with someone else and then forced you to take him on. He’s not yours Aaron and he never will be, not really.” That hurt, even now after all this time, because it’s true, in reality he’ll never have any claim on Seb. He knows that if this goes wrong, if Robert ends up in prison he’ll lose the both of them.
“No. You stop right there. I love Seb. You know you’re so obsessed with biology and yet you reckon I’m your son.” He shrugs, biting his thumb nail. “When was the last time you saw Leo?”
“What?” Finally he thinks he’s managed to wrong foot him, sitting there with his head tilted to one side, a habit that Aaron hadn’t realised was so annoying until today.
“When did you last see Leo. You do remember him don’t you? Nearly nine years old, blonde, you used to call him your son.”
“That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is you lecturing me on all of Robert’s wrongs when you're not so squeaky clean yourself are you. Now you’re with Mum you barely want to know Leo. I suppose I should be thankful you still speak to me, although right now I’d rather you weren’t.”
“Aaron, why are you being so horrible? Paddy’s always looked out for you.”
“Has he Liv? Really? Where was he when I was going through the worst thing a person can go through? When I had to take my own father to court, to stand up in front of strangers and tell them what he did to me? Where was he?”
“Wait a minute…”
“No. He’s so keen to talk about Robert’s failings, but Robert was there. He listened to me, he let me talk, he didn’t lecture or tell me what was best for me. He stood by me the whole way through, he was there in court by my side every day.” He stands up and leans over Paddy, hands clutching the leather of the chair. “You, you turned up what twice and then as soon as it was over you upped and left me to it because you’d been found out after having an affair. That’s not what a Dad does.”
“You didn’t want me near you if you remember.”
“Because you’d had an affair! Something you keep crucifying Robert over. Face it Paddy, you’re a hypocrite. You hold everyone to such a high standard and yet you can’t even meet it yourself. If you truly loved me like you say you do you’d have been there anyway. I told Robert to do one numerous times and yet he was still there.”
“Oh Robert’s so perfect isn’t he?”
“I’ve never said that, no one is perfect, but he doesn’t stand on the moral high ground like you do lording it over everyone.”
“And yet he’s got you going on the run, away from your family. You can face the truth or not Aaron but he’s the one who’s put you here, all because he couldn’t control his temper."
“Whatever. I don’t need to hear this, just move.”
“No!” He’s shouting now, getting up out of the chair grabbing at his arm.
“Don’t be stupid Paddy.”
“Why, what you going to do? You gonna hit me?”
“No.” He’s so close all those old feelings of being trapped flooding back and doesn’t know if he can stop it. For all he’s better now, it’s still there.
“Well that’s the only way you’re going to get past me isn’t it?” It’s the hand on the shoulder that shakes him out of it, swings round so fast only to see Liv’s shocked face looking back at him.
“This is what he does you see Liv, lashes out, so he doesn’t have to listen, so he can turn it into a fight”
“You’re the one pushing me to it, and you know it.”
“Cos you know we’re right, like the last time you decided to beat me up.”
“Paddy stop it, that’s not fair.” He actually can’t believe he’s brought that up. He’s changed, surely he knows that. He’s not that petrified kid anymore.
“Tell me I’m wrong Aaron. Me, Jackson, James, Kasim, even Robert. Any time you’re in a temper or things aren’t going your way you lash out.” He can’t speak, just nods, fighting back tears, refusing to let them see him upset.
“Fine. If that’s what you think.” He sniffs, stands up straight. “If I’m so bad, if I’m such a violent person then you won’t need me around anymore.”
“Now hold on, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“No. Clearly I’m not someone you think very much of so there’s no point me staying any longer.” He wishes he was more surprised, but when he thinks back there’s always been an air of disappointment, like he’s never quite been good enough. He’d never be able to thank Paddy enough for taking him in, helping him, but it’s almost as if he’s expected to pay for that by conforming to his, and his Mum’s, idea of what his life should be like, and when he doesn’t they bring out the emotional blackmail, and bring up all his past mistakes.
He knows he’s done that himself, with Robert, can remember sitting on that sofa and calling Seb a mistake, seeing the light go out in Robert’s eyes as if he’d realised that he’d never be able to forget that one moment of stupidity. He should never have done that, especially as he hadn’t even meant it, had just been lashing out in his helplessness over Liv. He knows how that feels, how could he have made Robert feel like that.
“You’re going to break your Mum’s heart.” He barely manages to stop from rolling his eyes. Maybe she’d be upset, no he knew she would, but deep down he knew she understood even if she’d never admit it.
“She’ll get over it. She managed before when I went to France.”
“And you came home then, what makes you think you’ll be able to do it this time?”
“I’ll be with Robert.” They could do anything as long as they were together, as sappy as that sounded. They’d already got through so much, this wouldn’t be the thing to break them. “He’s all I need, and you can argue all you like but it’s the truth. I’ll never forgive you if you do this Paddy, I swear."
“I’ll take the risk. I’m still not letting you out. Your Mum would never forgive me and you might not think so now but you’ll thank me one day.”
“It doesn’t matter, because like I told you, as soon as you leave I’m gone. You can’t keep me here the rest of my life.”
“I don’t need to, the police will catch up with him eventually.” He can’t believe he’d actually wish someone to go to prison like this, it’s such a world away from the Paddy he’d lived with, the one who’d taken him in.
“You know, I used to think you were the best, I wished you’d been my Dad, that I’d always had you. But that person, he would support me, he would understand. I’m twenty seven years old Paddy, I’m not that messed up kid you took in, not any more. You can’t force me into doing what you want any longer.”
“Someone has to. I’m not standing by while you mess up, again and ruin not just your life but ours too. You say you’re not a kid anymore, well start acting like it.”
He just shakes his head, there’s no point talking anymore, he was getting nowhere. He checks his watch, it’s been hours and he’s running out of time. It’s dark outside, surely someone will have noticed Paddy is missing by now but he can’t rely on that. He’d never be able to call Cain, they’d probably break his phone. No, he has to sort this himself, has to stop relying on other people.
All he can think about is Robert sitting somewhere alone, waiting, wondering. Maybe he thinks Aaron’s had second thoughts, has decided he’s not worth it, hates that he knows it’s the first thing Robert will think and that he can’t do anything to take that away.
He can’t bear the thought of him out there alone, knowing no one, having to hide, not being able to contact anyone. At least if he’s with them then they have each other.
He needs a plan, because there is no way he’s letting Robert believe that Aaron doesn’t love him enough to do this.
“Have you ever been in love Paddy?” He asks quietly. Liv’s asleep and he doesn’t want to wake her.
“What?”
“I said have you ever been in love?”
“I’ve been married four times.”
“We both know that means nothing. I mean real, intense, passionate love. The kind where if you’re away from them too long it actually aches. The kind where you’d willingly die just so they could live. Have you ever felt like that?” He’s silent, like he knew he would be. “Because that’s me and Robert. That day, in the car, I told him to go, to save himself, to leave me so he could save himself.”
“So?”
“So...if you’ve never felt that then you can’t even imagine how much you’re hurting me right now.” For a minute he thinks maybe he’s got through to him, Paddy’s staring at him and maybe he’s finally seeing it.
“See, if that’s true, then Robert would willingly let you stay so that you could have your life when he can’t have his. He wouldn’t make you do this.”
“For God’s sake Paddy, he’s not making me. The only one making me do anything is you.” He doesn’t answer and Aaron sighs, sitting back in the chair.
They sit in silence for hours. His eyes are permanently fixed on the clock over the mantelpiece, the minutes and hours ticking by. He’s seriously short of time now, and if he doesn’t get out soon there’ll be no point. He looks around, Liv’s still curled up asleep on the sofa worn out from the constant arguing. Paddy’s still in the chair, he looks asleep but Aaron’s not going to take it for granted.
He’s about to give up hope when it comes to him, can only hope they haven’t realised, that they’ve forgotten it. He wishes it didn’t have to be this way, wishes he could’ve made them see that this was what he wanted, that without Robert there was no point. They’d never change though, so convinced that what they believe is true, and he had to do what was best for him.
Once upon a time he would’ve caved, would’ve given in just to keep them happy, that it would be the only way they’d love him, if he did what they wanted. He knows better now, Robert has taught him that love is unconditional, or it should be.
He gets up, checks they’re still sleeping. As quiet as he can he picks up the bag, eyes fixed on Paddy silently begging him not to wake up. As soon as he’s in the bathroom with the door locked he springs into action, nearly cheering when he finds the window unlocked.
“Not so clever after all eh?” He whispers, pushing it as wide as it’ll go, throwing the bag out onto the ground.
He studies the window, hoping he can fit. Then again, Robert did. If nothing else it’ll give them a laugh later on.
Before he knows it he’s out, the night air cool around him. For a second he thinks he should break back in, let them out, but he reasons with himself that the two of them got into the mess, they would have to get out of it. He drags his phone from his pocket dialling the familiar number.
“Robert? It’s me.” His voice is shaking from the adrenaline and he wants to laugh at the fact he’s just escaped from his own house. He would if it wasn’t so ridiculous and he wasn’t so angry.
“Aaron, what’s taking so long?”
“I’ll explain later. Where are you?” He gives him the name of a place and then he’s quiet and Aaron knows he’s waiting for him to tell him he’s not coming, that he’s changed his mind. “Rob?”
“I’m here.”
“I’m on my way. I promise.” He tells him, jumping into the car. He wishes they’d had time to find another car but as it is he’ll just have to be careful and as much as it would slow him down he’d have to keep to the speed limit to avoid any unwanted attention.
“I’ll wait.” He smiles. That’s all he needs to know.
He doesn’t want to leave Liv like this, he knows she’d only done it because she cares. Maybe Paddy did too, but there was a part of him that knew if it had been anyone but Robert, they wouldn’t have stopped him. It has to be this way. Maybe one day they’ll see each other again, somehow. Maybe one day he’ll forgive them, but right now that’s not important. What’s important is his future and he knew exactly what that meant.
His future was with Robert now.