Chapter Text
Richie didn’t quiet know what it was that was waking him up, pulling at his tired limbs, trying to rip his eyelids open so Richie would have to face the world, the day, the people, everything.
But for some reason he didn’t feel all too bad about it.
Maybe it was the lingering warmth wrapped around Richie, the air he was breathing which smelled different. It smelled clean, it smelled like safe place, it smelled so, so Eddie.
That’s it. Eddie’s scent, Eddie’s warmth, Eddie’s presence. Richie tried to absorb all of it as long and as much of it as he could.
He knew Eddie had been away for an hour or so, probably because of his mother as Richie was able to make out the faint sounds of voices downstairs while he was still half asleep.
But he didn’t mind, he knew Eddie was going to come back.
So Richie tried to free his mind from any kind of thoughts that were already scratching at the door of his mind, trying to break in and fill the sleepy silence in his head, replacing it with the loud screams of sorrow and anger, which Richie had tried to keep away so carefully while he slept. He didn’t want the door to break down as it did everyday, the second he became conscious, forcing him to open his eyes and give in to all what he had tried to lock away deeply, so desperately.
Much to his surprise, Richie was able to keep the lock from giving in, even if just for another hour so he could dive back into a comfortable trial of sleep, locked in Eddie’s room, on Eddie’s bed, wrapped up in Eddie’s blanket and his head smashed into Eddie’s pillows, Eddie’s scent surrounding him, alluring him.
He may have sounded like a creep if he ever were to voice his thoughts or his feelings towards the smaller boy, but it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t how it may have seemed to other people.
Richie wasn’t a creep. Richie’s feelings for Eddie were so sincere, so deep, his affection for the boy so real, strong and yet somehow innocent. They came from the deepest pit of his oh so rotten heart, the only thing that made his heart well up with warmth and the only warmth he felt, whenever Richie laid his eyes on Eddie or whenever Eddie did anything.
Richie knew Eddie didn’t know any of this but the boy’s pure existence was enough for Richie to feel.. something, anything. Anything besides all the sorrow, the guilt, the emptiness and all this anger he had in him. All of what he didn’t know how to handle, for Richie wanting to be replaced by the warmth of Eddie so desperately.
And even though Richie knew what this was, what these kinds of feelings were, he was too scared to label them. Even in his own head, his head that never shut up about anything. But apparently it did shut up when it came to Richie being so utterly, madly in love with his best friend, the one and only Eddie Kaspbrak.
At first Richie thought it was his mind showing him that Eddie was just so honest with him, the way he wouldn’t be with anybody else, only Richie. That what made them be best friends. Because that’s what best friends did, right?
Eddie saved Richie, all the time, without him even knowing. That was just Eddie being Eddie and Richie being thankful for that. Being thankful for Eddie understanding Richie like no one else did, not even the other Loser’s. That’s also what best friends did, right?
But .. if it was Beverly, or Stan or hell- even Ben, if it was them who were there for him, what if they saved him like Eddie did, why was Eddie the only one Richie wanted to kiss or lay his hands on?
That was when realisation hit Richie. It could have been any of the other Loser’s. But Eddie, particularly Eddie, was the only, the one who was capable of making Richie feel this way, of making him feel and enjoy.
It was then when Richie had to admit to himself that “Fuck, Eddie, what did you do to me?”, that one day when Richie was laying on his bed, staring at his ceiling, scared by his own feelings he had just admitted, knowing it wouldn’t be accepted, he wouldn’t be accepted. Because everybody said it was wrong, didn’t they?
It was then when he realised that Eddie was all he wanted, all he ached for. To spend time with him, to annoy him, to be close to him, to laugh with him, to lay with him, to argue with him, to do anything including Eddie, if not even only Eddie.
Richie’s heart was so full of Eddie, of that smaller boy with his stupidly neat brown hair, his own specific scent Richie could distinguish from any other. The way he would speak so quickly as if his life was depending on it, the way he would get lost in his words as much as Richie did.
It was aching him, but in such a sweet way, such a bitter sweet way. Richie’s heart was aching for Eddie, his lungs were screaming for air when Eddie did literally anything that would leave Richie breathless.
And if Richie was being honest, he didn’t hate it, he never did. He loved the way Eddie affected him, loved the way how Eddie made him feel, even when they were arguing, because Richie knew that deep down, they could never really be mad at each other, let alone hate each other.
What Richie hated was the fact that Eddie probably, most certainly did not feel the way Richie felt about him. The deep affection Richie had for the boy not to be reciprocated by him.
Richie never knew why exactly Eddie was so drawn to Richie, as it seemed like, if he wasn’t wrong, he never knew why Eddie was just always there for Richie, why he let Richie do anything with him, why he put up with every bullshit Richie did or caused or whatever there was. Because Richie was just Richie, all his shit-talking, all the jokes, all the provocation, just him being obnoxious, just him being him.
Sometimes Richie liked to pretend it was because Eddie may secretly feel the same towards Richie, but he always tried to not dive in too deep into these thoughts or he would’ve end up hurt, by himself only, because this wasn’t Eddie’s fault and Richie never wanted to make it Eddie’s fault.
So he always made sure to keep all of this locked, hidden, in a special spot of his heart. Unable to be seen by anyone. This was the only way he got along, the only way he could be around Eddie like he was so often, all the time.
So, at this very moment, Richie was glad to be able to welcome the feeling of Eddie returning to his room after he had been gone, as the weight of Eddie dipped onto the mattress next to him.
Richie felt how his mind and all the locked away thoughts in his head were screaming at him to open his eyes, to allow the consciousness of his to escape the sweet tales of sleep.
Richie wanted to hesitate, not ready yet to face the day and all it had to come that Richie would have to deal with, but before he knew, the dull silence and the dreamy clouds which were heavying Richie’s head and eyelids vanished, causing him to slowly blink his eyes open, making Richie feel betrayed.
But lucky for Richie he was met with Eddie’s soft yet slightly concerned eyes in an instant and he couldn’t help but let a small smile curve up the corners of his mouth.
“You awake?”, Eddie said in a low tone, as he noticed the taller boy shifting while he woke up.
He sat next to Richie on his bed, his legs slightly bend and a comic book resting against his thighs, which were wrapped in his red shorts. The shorts Richie had come to love a while ago, because damn Richie really had a thing for Eddie’s legs.
“Mhm”, was the only thing Richie could manage to say, his voice raspy and deep from the sleep that was slowly making it’s way out of Richie’s head his eyes and stiff limbs as he started to stretch himself, groaning while doing so.
“What time is it?”, Richie murmured and turned to his side to face Eddie, adjusting his crooked glasses as he did so.
He looked up to Eddie who was looking back down on him.
“About 1pm. You were dozing on and off, sleepyhead. Maybe you should try and stay awake now”, Eddie chuckled. “Or you will have trouble falling asleep later.” Eddie now darted his eyes back to the opened comic book in front of him.
Richie wanted to hold Eddie’s face and tell him how fucking adorable he was, but instead he just groaned “But I’m not done dreaming of me and your mom..”, earning a slap to his shoulder from Eddie.
“Anyways, thanks for letting me stay”, he added quietly after a few seconds, his tone more serious.
“Of course, Rich. How could I resist the offer of..” Eddie started, looking to the side for a second, looking at something on the ground before turning his head back to Richie “.. ‘Shawn’s Sandwiches’, the best sandwiches in Derry, totally not the cheapest one’s you could find at the grocery store.”
Richie grinned at that. “Sorry, next time I’ll tell your mom to pay me more.”
Eddie couldn’t help but laugh at that, the sound making Richie’s heart well up, causing him to let out a raspy, half cough-like laugh.
“Have you slept well?”, Eddie asked when both of their laughter died down.
Richie nodded and opened his mouth in attempt to let out a “Thank you”, but he, or more like both of them were interrupted by the sound of the front door of Eddie’s house open and shutting loudly.
Eddie sat up, his hands gripping the sides of the comic book, his eyes darted to his door.
“Eddiebear!”, they heard Eddie’s mom exclaim from downstairs.
Eddie got up quickly, putting the book aside as he looked at a still sleepy, dazed looking Richie.
“What?”, Richie asked, yawning as he rubbed his eyes.
“What ’what’? My mom’s here and if she finds out you’re here she’ll beat my ass!” Eddie whisper-yelled and grabbed Richie’s arm in attempt to pull him off the bed. “Yes, mommy, I’ll be there in a sec!”
Richie grumbled as he practically fell from the bed by Eddie dragging him, but did as he was told “Gonna miss your warm bed, Eds”, he yawned again as he kneeled down to put on his shoes.
“Hurry up now!”, Eddie urged as he put his hands on Richie’s back to guide the tall boy to his already opened window once he had his shoes on, waiting for him to climb out.
“Alright, alright. I’m already gone-”, Richie mimicked Eddie’s hushed tone as he climbed onto the windowsill, looking down at Eddie as he kneeled there.
There was a silence where neither of them knew what to say, both boy’s looking into each other’s eyes as if they wanted to tell each other the world. But they didn’t.
Instead, Eddie snapped out of his short trance, gesturing Richie to go away already as he shot a glance to his door, hearing footsteps coming from the stairs. “Will you fuck off now! I’m gonna get in trouble because of you, dickhead!”
Richie snorted but lowered himself onto the loose wooden ladder that was leaned against the house wall. “See ya, Eddiebear!” He grinned as he disappeared from Eddie’s view and climbed down the wall.
He made his way to where his bike was leaning against the neighbour’s fence, from there he could see Eddie closing his window in haste, pulling his curtains shut.
And that was it.
Richie could feel the warmth slowly vanishing from him, like the smoke of his cigarettes leaving his body, disappearing into the air.
He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to go back to Eddie, he wanted to feel the warmth again, he wanted to be free of sorrow, but he knew he couldn’t, he knew Eddie was busy, he knew he couldn’t be seen by Eddie’s mother and he hated it, but he understood.
And so he left.
He was walking on the road, his steps slow and shuffled while he was pushing his bike next to him, the pedal hitting against his shin from time to time but he didn’t pay any mind to that.
Going home wasn’t an option for him, hell- he just snuck out again after his father wasn’t even finished scolding him. It was an open end and it drove Richie even more crazy because he knew even less what was waiting for him when he got home.
He didn’t know when he was going to go home but he didn’t plan on going there early. The only thing he knew was that he had to, at some point because school was the next day and Richie couldn’t miss out on that and he didn’t have his school things with him, so there was basically no other option for him.
Also, he knew all too well that he couldn’t always hide and run away. He already hid enough from all this bullshit that was going on in his head.
It was Sunday so Richie knew the Loser’s would meet at the Clubhouse later, so he decided to just go there, since he didn’t know where else to go.
Richie let his feet lead him to where the Clubhouse was, looking up at the sky, baby blue and decorated by white clouds, a few birds in sight here and there.
He already missed Eddie, even though he knew he was going to see him a couple hours later.
When he arrived at the Clubhouse, it was no surprise that no one was there, all of the Loser’s had their life’s, their families, they had chores to do, maybe homework, siblings that they cared for or played with, whatever else there could have been.
But Richie had none of this. Richie was alone.
He kneeled down to lift the wooden hatch, stepping down the ladder and jumping down the last few pickets.
He didn’t even bother to close the hatch, he just made his way to the hammock, almost automatically before laying down on it.
A sigh escaped his throat and he didn’t know what to do, he still had to wait a couple hours for the Loser’s to come.
Richie knew boredom wasn’t a good sign, he knew whenever he got bored, his mind would start to wander, which would usually take a bad turn and result in him trying desperately to get away from the shadow that was creeping up inside of him, taking in more and more of his heart, blemishing his body in what felt like a thick black mass, so heavy it would drag Richie to the ground in attempt to drown him until all Richie could see was darkness.
So he tried his best to entertain himself, keep himself busy. He rolled another joint for later, he read a comic, he walked back and forth, inspected all the shelves in the Clubhouse even though he knew everything that was down there.
He somehow ended up in the hammock again, forcing his eyes to close so he could sleep until the others arrived.
It was hard at first but he managed his head into thinking he was tired despite his thoughts never shutting up.
He felt relieved as the sweet feeling of sleep was tugging at his eyelids, rounding up his vision with dark corners until he let his eyes fall shut and a wave of tiredness allure him into a deep sleep, a comic book resting on his lap.
Richie heard faint voices, familiar voices. His head pictured the voices he heard, making him think he was dreaming.
“Is that Richie?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Maybe he just got here early, you know how he is. He’s either too early or too late, or he doesn’t show up at all.”
Quiet chuckles.
And after that, only muffled voices were heard.
Until Richie felt the hammock beneath him move, a certain someone trying to sneak in between his spread legs, causing Richie to open one eye slightly, catching a glimpse of Eddie who was now settled across Richie between his legs, who was looking over to him midst, carefully.
Usually, Eddie wouldn’t have given two shits about Richie sleeping in the hammock, he would casually begin to swing it, causing Richie’s head to shoot up in anger, glaring at the smaller boy who would just stick his tongue out. “Time’s up, fucker. It’s my turn so you better wake up”, Eddie would say and Richie would growl back “Fuck off, I was sleeping dude!” but Eddie would just “Do I look like I give a shit?” and try to make room for himself in the hammock.
Richie wondered what was better, Eddie cursing him off, forcing himself between Richie’s legs after he woke him up so unpleasantly or the Eddie right now, who was trying his best not to wake him up, being ever so careful.
Richie also wondered if this change in behaviour would also effect their friendship in any way.
Richie didn’t want their friendship to change, not at all. He knew Eddie was being careful with him because he now knew Richie wasn’t doing good, no, he was practically falling apart and he knew that Eddie knew, but he didn’t know if he should be glad or not.
Eddie must have seen Richie peek on him because his mouth curved into a small, shy smile as he eyed Richie.
And Richie thought, as long as Eddie was still smiling, as long as his cheeks weren’t tear stained and his eyes red and his lips puffy from crying, as long as it wasn’t Richie who caused it, maybe, just maybe this was okay.
Maybe Eddie worrying and caring about Richie was okay.
Richie didn’t say anything, he just looked back, now with both eyes opened, a relaxed look on his face, slowly returning Eddie’s smile.
“Shh”, he breathed out, audible for Eddie’s ears only, not wanting the other Loser’s to know he was awake, as he closed his eyes again, making himself comfortable with Eddie’s feet on both his sides.
Eddie let out a quiet muffled giggle at that, causing the smile on Richie’s lips to widen. “Alright”, Eddie whispered back.
Richie put his hand on Eddie’s shin, taking a deep breath, feeling the warmth of Eddie overtake him and he felt safe again, he felt good, he felt relieved. All that thanks to Eddie.
Some time had passed and eventually Richie and Eddie got up, all of the Loser’s now sitting on the floor of the Clubhouse in a small circle.
Richie and Beverly were sitting next to each other, their backs leaned against the couch as they were sharing a cigarette, handing it back and forth after each of them took a drag.
Eddie was seated on Richie’s free side, his back leaning against Richie’ shoulder and he had a book opened on his bent legs but his head was tipped back so it rested on Richie’s shoulder.
Across the three of them, Ben, Bill and Mike were sitting on the couch, Stan being the one sitting on the old armchair next to the two couches.
Various songs from The Cure were coming from the old radio which was placed on one of the couches.
It was a relaxing atmosphere and Richie had missed this.
He had been too busy crying and worrying too much and sneaking through Eddie’s window at 5 in the morning to notice that he hadn’t spent much time with the other Loser’s and he felt kind of guilty for that because he cared for all of them deeply and he knew they did too and that they were just as worried as Eddie.
So he enjoyed the time they spend together.
And he tried to ignore the fact that they were laughing at all the jokes he cracked, even the bad ones, unlike before and he knew it was because they knew he wasn’t okay, but he tried to convince himself that this was also okay, it was okay to not act strong all the time, it was okay that they knew he was struggling and it was okay that they were being extra nice to him despite his partly obnoxious personality. Because that’s what everybody needed from time to time, right?
Richie was grateful that none of them tried to get something out of Richie or that they hadn’t make it too obvious that they knew something was up, even when Richie would fall silent for some time, leaning his head to the side to let it rest on Eddie’s forehead and closing his eyes, trying his best to stay with them mentally and not let his thoughts, not let the shadow overtake him again.
He listened to Bill who was telling a story about Georgie, how the two of them used to built tons of boats made out of paper. Richie felt sorry for Bill, he knew his brother meant a lot to him and it reminded him that Bill was struggling, too. Maybe not as much as he did a few years ago when Georgie had died, but he could see it in his eyes, the way he talked about him, that he missed him.
It reminded Richie that he wasn’t alone, that everybody struggled, for example Eddie and his overprotective, manipulative mother, Mike who had lost both his parents or Beverly and her scary, abusive father, and the list goes on.
And as he sat there, surrounded by his friends, his real family, he didn’t feel so alone.
He felt lighter, he felt better. And he couldn’t put in words how thankful he was for that, for them.
Time flew and it was already past 9, so Eddie had to go home. He had to go earlier Eddie had said, because his mother was still mad at him for being out for a whole night without telling her.
Of course Richie insisted he would walk Eddie home so he wouldn’t have to walk alone in the dark.
So him and Eddie said their goodbye’s and Richie waited for Eddie until he had grabbed all of his things.
Their walk home was silent, but it was a comfortable silence, Richie smoking a cigarette as Eddie walked next to him, their shoulders touching.
They came to a halt when they were a few meters from Eddie’s house and they turned to look at each other.
“Today was fun, wasn’t it?”, Eddie smiled up at Richie who hummed in response, returning Eddie’s smile.
“Yeah, it was indeed.”
Silence followed until Eddie spoke up again.
“You know the others would never judge you, especially not for.. for struggling with something. They don’t think you’re weak. They know how strong you are”, Eddie said quietly, looking deep into Richie’s eyes, meaningful.
Richie nodded, adjusting his glasses nervously, looking back at Eddie’s big eyes. He felt like he could get lost in them.
“I know”, the words came out softer than he intended, but he didn’t care at this point. “I know, it’s just..”, he scratched the back of his head, kicking a rock with his foot, trying to find the right words, “it’s- I’m not used to that. I’ve only ever kept everything to myself, I didn’t want anybody to look.. to look behind the surface, you know.” Richie looked away, to the side, afraid of having said too much, but Eddie shook his head.
“Look, I get that, I totally do. I don’t want people to know about how my mom makes me feel, too. But bottling up everything and pretending everything is alright isn’t good for you. You don’t have to talk to everyone about it. Just don’t hide it too much, especially not from the people who truly care about you, from us, Richie.”
Eddie’s words were so sincere it made Richie gulp, a lump in his throat threatening him to start crying any second. He didn’t deserve them. “Thank- thank you Eddie.” He let out shakily. “Really, I’m trying my best.”
“I know you do”, Eddie smiled again and Richie’s heart sunk.
“Alright, you better get going, Eds, don’t wanna have you grounded again”, Richie let out and was met by Eddie’s arms wrapping themselves around Richie’s torso.
Every time Eddie hugged Richie, his skin felt hot and he got goosebumps all over his body. His heart was beating, threatening to break through his ribcage, right into Eddie’s hands, where it belonged, were it ached for being, since such a long time.
He loved the way Eddie would fit so perfectly into his arms, with his head ending right where it met Richie’s chin so he could easily rest it on Eddie’s head.
They stood there for a few good seconds, taking in the other one’s scent, blacking out everything that was surrounding them. Richie had his arms tightly wrapped around Eddie’s smaller frame, their bodies flushed together with no space between them and Richie felt so warm, so fulfilled.
“See you at school tomorrow”, Eddie said as they let go of each other.
“See ya, Spagheds”, Richie grinned and waved at the boy who just shook his head but didn’t hide his smile anyways.
Richie watched as Eddie walked over to his house and was then let in by his mother, until Richie turned around and made his way home himself.
The closer he got to his own house, the more uneasy he felt, pure horror crawling up his spine, stiffening his posture, tightening his grip around the handle of his bike to the point his knuckles turned almost white.
He took a deep breath before entering the house, eyeing the corridor suspiciously once he unlocked the door.
He was surprised to not see his father on the couch in front of their TV, already waiting for his return only to beat his ass.
Instead, he saw bags and suitcases placed on the kitchen table. His mother was walking around, packing stuff what seemed to be clothes into the bags, paying Richie no mind.
Richie didn’t know what was going on but he was glad he hadn’t met his father yet so he made his way up and into his room rather quickly to reduce the chances of meeting him.
Feeling a wave of relieve rush over him, he walked over to his bed and let himself fall onto it.
He was alone now, which he hated but at least his father hadn’t had the chance to ruin his evening.
Richie was laying on his bed, facing the ceiling with his arms and legs stretched out as he listened to his own steady heartbeat.
And like always, the thoughts were starting to flood his mind, but this time it was different. This time the thoughts were different. Maybe it was because he had a great day with his friends who helped him to forget for a while, maybe it was because his father didn’t have the chance to terrorize him which spared him another breakdown, he didn’t know.
All he could think about was Eddie. Eddie, leaning against him, Eddie in these red shorts which were showing off his beautiful thighs, the way Eddie’s body pressed against his as they hugged and how he made Richie feel a certain tingle in his abdomen.
Richie felt his mind starting to wander as he allowed himself to display Eddie in front of his eyes.
And before he knew it, Richie could feel his blood travelling elsewhere, down the danger zone.
This wasn’t the first time Richie got hard from thinking about Eddie, and he didn’t necessarily think about Eddie in a sexual way, just the bare existence of Eddie and the touch of Eddie Richie felt when they hugged or when they were seated next to each other with their knees touching, or the way they had been all cuddled up while sleeping the last few times Richie had slept over at Eddie’s or the time they were sleeping on the mattress in the Clubhouse after Richie’s breakdown.
It was enough to drive Richie crazy, everything that would usually not affect him in the slightest no matter what it was, feelings, conversations, physical contact, would only make Richie hypersensitive if it was Eddie who touched him or who talked to him, and after all he was just a normal teenage boy, with normal body functions.
But he still felt guilt because this was Eddie who caused his erections, who made his cheeks all rosy and his eyes all glassy and hooded while he sometimes gave in and allowed his hand to slip into his boxershorts to secretly please himself.
Richie sighed as he felt his pants tighten around his crotch, but shouldn’t he feel relieved that, right now, at least his body was functioning the way it should, despite this being a rarity, since Richie felt so down and so depressed and so guilty all the time, that he started to have some .. issues down there, where he would get erections more rarely, if he even got them at all.
And Richie knew it was because of the way he felt. He knew the shadow was taking away all of his feelings to the point he felt numb, so of course it was also swallowing any feelings of arousal, and his needs, his capability of getting an erection and the desire to please himself.
So he should be glad, shouldn’t he?
Richie wasn’t sure whether he should just give in and let his thoughts, his desires overtake him, take control of him, or if he should go to sleep instead and spare him the awkward feeling of guilt after finishing.
But since he hadn’t done it in a while and he was just so glad to know that his dick he joked about so often hadn’t fully given up on him, he allowed the increasing rush of arousal bubbling in his veins to get the best of him.
And yes, while his hand made it’s way into Richie’s pants as he turned to lay on his side, the thought of Eddie filling and overtaking his mind completely, Richie may have imagined Eddie in these red shorts he liked so much, recalling the feeling of Eddie’s body being pressed against his, and just maybe he imagined kissing Eddie.
Richie was pretty sure Eddie’s lips must feel softer than anything Richie ever got to touch and he was just too eager about how they might feel if Richie were to really lay his own lips onto Eddie’s.
Richie was too ashamed, maybe even too scared to think any further, to think of what might have been hidden underneath Eddie’s polo shirts or even his pants. Sure, he’d seen Eddie in only his underwear before, but he never even dared to take a closer look.
After a few minutes of Richie doing his business in his pants, thinking of Eddie and the pure beauty of Eddie, he eventually finished, panting heavily as he looked down to his hand.
His face scrunched up at the mess he made so he quickly got up to wipe his hand and his stomach with a tissue from his desk.
Richie tried his best to push away the thoughts of guilt that were trying to break through the door at the back of his mind, but by the time he was letting himself fall onto his bed again he was too tired to do anything.
He made sure his alarm clock was set for the next day, the thought of going to school eliciting a sigh from Richie, but at least he was able to see his friends again.
After feeling comfortable enough in his bed, wrapped up in his blanket which felt like it was protecting Richie from everything bad in the world, from the shadow that was creeping from underneath his bed, Richie closed his eyes, and for the first time in a while it didn’t take him hours of shifting around nervously and endless streams of thoughts until he fell asleep, and he was more than thankful for that.
Richie shot up in his bed, startled by his ringing alarm clock which he quickly turned off.
The glowing numbers said 6 am. Richie yawned, sitting on his bed for about ten fucking minutes, staring tiredly at his wall, regretting all his life decisions and asking himself if it was even worth getting up.
Eventually, he managed to get up because, unfortunately, time wasn’t waiting for Richie. He put on some pair of dark pants, a white mustered Hawaiian-Tee with a grey shirt underneath and his usual worn out Slip On’s.
When he walked down the stairs, he remembered his parents packing some stuff the night before and he wasn’t too sure if they were still there.
But he was soon met by his mother’s eyes, only shooting him a quick glance without saying a single word.
He looked at her, his backpack swung over his left shoulder. A pained expression on his face as she continued to remain silent, making Richie feel unwanted, unloved, like a stranger.
He sighed as he darted his eyes away from his mother and stepped out of the front door, inhaling the air of the fresh morning breeze which was softly wafting around him, hitting his face.
On his way to school he picked up Eddie who was already waiting for him, standing on the front porch.
“Hey Rich!”, Eddie exclaimed as he waved his hand and walked over to Richie. He looked like he was in a good mood, a relaxed smile resting on his lips.
The thought of Eddie being in a good mood made Richie’s heart jump and he tried his best to keep it that way. If Eddie was happy, Richie surely could manage to feel happy too.
“Mornin’, Eds”, Richie said, watching as Eddie took in his usual spot next to Richie, eyeing the smaller boy. “Hope I wasn’t too loud last night, or more like, I hope your mom wasn’t. We both know how important sufficient sleep is for you, don’t we?” He grinned.
Eddie groaned and slapped Richie’s shoulder, making the taller boy chuckle. “Shut up, you pervert.”
But Eddie smiled nonetheless and it was so contagious, Richie thought.
The two kept talking and joking around as they made their way to school, meeting the other Loser’s as soon as they arrived.
School went on as usual, Richie never really paid any mind to what the teachers were saying, he had his head rested on his arms most of the time, with his eyes closed as he was trying his best not to drift away.
At lunch they all sat together in the cafeteria, chatting about school stuff and at what time they would meet up after school.
As every school day, nothing special happened and Richie was just too glad it was finally over.
He stood outside the building, a cigarette resting in between his lips as he waited for Eddie to exit the building so he could walk him home, like he always did.
“One day, you surely will get caught, idiot. You’re not even allowed to legally smoke outside”, Eddie commented as he approached Richie, not waiting for the taller boy who just shrugged and joined him to leave the school campus.
“Your concern about me is flattering, Eddiebear, but I must remind you that I, in fact, do not give a shit”, Richie sighed dramatically as he took another drag from his cigarette.
“Whatever”, Eddie grumbled as he pinched Richie’s shoulder. “But if you do get caught, I will be the one laughing.”
“Oh Eds, I’d do anything to hear that angelic laugh of yours, even better if I am the one who caused it”, Richie snickered and then threw his cigarette to the ground, putting it out with his heel.
When they arrived at Eddie’s house, the two looked at each other. It was always the same, Richie fiddling with his glasses as he looked down at the boy, and Eddie looking up at Richie with this certain look on his face Richie tried but always failed to read.
That’s just how Eddie was. Sometimes Richie could predict exactly what Eddie was about to say, he knew whenever Eddie was lying or when he was upset but tried to hide it. But, sometimes Eddie had this kind of unreadable expression and it drove Richie crazy because he’d give anything to know what was going through the smaller boy’s head whenever he looked at Richie like that.
“Well, see ya later Eddiegator! I’ll pick you up at afternoon, be ready for our honeymoon”, Richie chanted as he shoved Eddie in direction of his house.
“Really? Eddiegator? Honeymoon?”, Eddie whined and made a face but let Richie guide him nonetheless. “You’re unbelievable.”
“Only for you”, Richie laughed and then turned around to go home once Eddie sat a foot in his own house.
Richie saw his mother outside of the house, shoving a suitcase into the trunk of his father’s car.
He still didn’t know what the fuck was going on and why the hell his parents seemed to leave?
She still didn’t say a word, not even when he stood awkwardly next to the car, watching her as she shoved in the second suitcase and asked “What’s all this? Are ya leaving?”
He gave up after she gestured him to fuck off, sighing heavy as he stomped up the stairs, his backpack hanging around his shoulders.
He hadn’t seen his father downstairs so he guessed he was either at the neighbour’s to talk to them or he was in the bathroom or something.
Honestly, Richie didn’t care.
He walked down the corridor on his way to his room when all of a sudden, he was roughly shoved against the wall and he let out a surprised cry.
His father grabbed his collar with his hands, looking at Richie intensely with an uncertainty that drove Richie crazy.
“What..”, Richie breathed out faintly, his eyes wide and his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “What the hell are you doing?”
But his father only tsk’d at him, gave him one last shove even though he was already pressed against the wall, causing Richie‘s head to hit the wall, before he loosened his tight grip around Richie’s collar, leaving the boy startled and gulping. Confusion as well as shock displayed on Richie’s face as he fixed his glasses which almost fell from his nose.
His father just casually went down the stairs and Richie wished he’d never have to see him again.
Richie quickly entered his room and locked the door at least two times before he threw his backpack into the corner of his room and let himself fall onto his bed.
He hated it, he hated it so much. He didn’t do a single fucking thing, or was him existing already too much? All Richie ever tried to do was to do the best but it never seemed to work, his parents never seemed to be happy, happy with him.
It was quiet, and Richie also hated that. So he sat up on is bed only to let his head dangle over the edge of his bed to the point where he was able to peek underneath it, where he pulled out an old record.
He remembered the day he got it, he was at a record shop with Eddie.
“Oh, that one, that one!”, Eddie had piped and showed Richie the record.
“The Cure”, Richie raised his eyebrows as he eyed the record Eddie had shoved into his hands. “You never fail to surprise me, Eds.”
He bought it. It was actually meant for Eddie, but he wasn’t allowed to listen to this kind of music at his house, so he hid it under Richie’s bed and whenever he came over they would lay on Richie’s bed and listen to it.
Richie stood up and blew away some of the dust that had settled on it as he walked over to his desk to gently place the record on his phonograph.
A weird feeling creeped up Richie’s spine as he listened to the music.
He just stood there, looking out the window. It was as if a ton of clouds were settling down on Richie, on his shoulders, dragging him down and he felt like he was sinking into the ground, slowly, as if he was standing in mud, the mud swallowing him whole.
He felt so much at once, but at the same time, nothing at all.
It took him a few seconds, maybe even minutes, he didn’t know, before he opened his eyes again and exhaled heavily.
If he listened carefully he could hear his parents downstairs, talking and moving.
So often had Richie asked himself what exactly he had done wrong that his parents rejected him like that. What had he done that all the love in his mother’s eyes vanished into nothing, nothing but disappointment, maybe anger, maybe even regret. Did they regret that Richie was born?
Richie felt himself fall deeper and deeper into this spiral of thoughts and unanswered questions, questions he knew he’d never get an answer to, thoughts he knew would eat him up inside and drink all his blood, replacing it with dark and dirty mud until, one day, he would fall apart because his whole body would become soft and his knees would give up and as his body would hit the ground, it would just be a big, smelly puddle of mud. And that would be all that was left of Richie Tozier.
Richie felt a shiver run down his spine as he tried to push these thoughts and imaginations away.
His hands became shaky and so he reached out to the only thing he knew could calm him down enough, at least for some time until he didn’t feel like his whole body was already rotten from the inside.
Richie sat on the windowsill of his room, his legs dangling out of the window.
A joint was placed between his fingers and Richie would so desperately suck on it, inhale the mix of tobacco and pot into his lungs until they were full, until it ached, until his insides were begging him to stop sucking in the air, as if he was expecting answers from his collapsing lung, as if he couldn’t stop.
He held his breath, feeling his throat burn and it felt like his lungs were ripped apart because they couldn’t hold it in anymore, just like Richie. He just couldn’t hold it in anymore, he had to let it out.
He wished it was as simple as the smoke that could just escape his mouth as soon as he opened it, he wished the words would escape this easily, too. But he knew it wasn’t possible.
He knew, if he decided to talk, he couldn’t just zone out and let his brain shut off, he knew he couldn’t just let his mind wander and close his eyes as he did in that moment, smoking and letting himself be surrounded by the smoke.
Richie opened his eyes, bringing the joint to his lips once more, watching it light up as he inhaled. The smoke danced into his face, climbed in behind his thick glasses and burned into his eyes, making them tear up so all he could see was a mix of grey blur and the sparks at the end of his joint and his hand which was holding onto it tightly.
He sighed as he let the smoke escape his lips one last time before he flicked the joint out of his window and climbed back into his room, the window remained open.
His eyes still burned and he still saw everything in a slight blur so he slid his glasses off his face and placed them on his nightstand before he sat down on his bed.
Richie felt tired and his head heavy and he felt like he was going to pass out any second. What happened after that he couldn’t remember, as he just felt his body fall back onto the mattress so he was half-laying on his bed with his feet still sat on the ground.
His eyes were shut tight and although all he saw was darkness, he could see his vision spin and spin in every direction.
Some time had passed with Richie just laying there, unable to move because his feet felt like they were glued to the ground and his head felt like it would break into a million pieces if he moved by just an inch. Not to forget to mention that Richie was barely even conscious at that point.
Somehow, he could still make out voices.
“Mhh”, Richie let out as he tried to concentrate, trying to fight through heavy curtains in his head to reach consciousness again.
Once he was able to blink his eyes slowly, and only a little bit, the voices got clearer and clearer.
But there was one voice that made his heart skip a beat. It was so muffled and so quiet he could barely even hear it, yet it was as if that voice was creeping into his ears, scratching against his eardrums and he knew exactly who that voice belonged to, no matter how muffled it sounded or how far away it was.
Richie could always make out Eddie’s voice.
Wait, Eddie was here? At Richie’s house? Talking to his parents? Richie’s parents?
Overwhelmed from all the confusion and excitement and even fear that flooded Richie’s head, he brought his hands up to his face to run them through his curls, clasping his fingers into them and he pulled, he pulled hard as if he could pull out all his feelings with them. All that he didn’t want to feel.
He tried to concentrate once more, dying to know it was really Eddie, but with a loud thud, he heard the front door being shut and the voices disappeared.
After that, it was silent.
A silence that made Richie nervous, he wanted to stand up, he wanted to know if his parents were still there or if they had left, he wanted to know if he really heard Eddie and if so, what did he do here, why did he speak to his parents instead of Richie and why was he seemingly gone after the front door was being shut? Or was he even there at all? Had Richie only imagined hearing Eddie’s voice, was he that high?
All the thoughts were flooding Richie’s brain and it was so loud, Richie thought he couldn’t handle it until suddenly-
There was a knock.
A knock, loud and clear, and it came from Richie’s door.
His head, silent.
He wasn’t sure if he heard it right even though he knew what he had heard.
And then, again.
Knock, knock.
“Richie?”
Richie sat up almost in an instant and was greeted by a sharp pain in his head but he didn’t care, he just stood up and made his way to the door, wavering and stumbling.
With shaking hands he managed to unlock his door after a few unsuccessful attempts, before he could swing it open to be revealed to a worried-looking Eddie.
He was really there, right in front of him.
Richie breathed out as he just stood there and said nothing, for approximately 40 to 60 seconds before Eddie spoke up again.
“Richie? Are you- is everything alright?”
Richie blinked a few times and gulped before bringing his hand up to his face to adjust the glasses that weren’t even there, causing him to awkwardly scratch his temple. “Uhm, yeah, sure, for sure.”
“What uh.. what are you doing here, did you talk to my parents?”, Richie asked carefully as he finally moved so Eddie could enter his room, confusion written all over his face.
“You didn’t come to my house and I was starting to get worried so I thought I’d just, you know, check up on you”, Eddie looked up at Richie, his eyes big and his cheeks slightly flushed as he confessed.
“Fuuuuck”, Richie let out as he hastily grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and placed them back on the bridge of his nose. “I’m so sorry Eds, I just, I think I got carried away, I don’t know, I forgot. I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of Richie’s mouth as he looked at Eddie carefully, now able to see all clear and keen again.
“It’s fine, Richie. Don’t worry about me. I was rather worried about you.” Eddie took a step closer to Richie, eyeing him as if he could get anything out of that tall, lanky boy who was awkwardly standing in the middle of his room, looking like he had just been thrown out of bed.
“What, um..”, Richie started, looking at his feet, “what did my parents say? Did they say anything? Were they mean to you?” Richie’s eyes were big as he looked back into Eddie’s.
“Well, no, not towards me.” Eddie’s tone was soft and it almost sounded apologetic as he continued to speak, “they said they were heading off to some relatives of yours because there was a marriage? And apparently you refused to join them.”
“That’s what they said?” Richie could feel his insides twist, his chest hurt and his head too, now it made sense to him. “But they- they didn’t even tell me they were leaving in the first place.” His voice came out weak and he probably sounded as if he was about to cry. “Eds, really, they, they didn’t say a fucking word!”
Richie’s heart sunk deeper and deeper in his chest as the realisation hit him again and again by each passing second.
They lied, they lied to Eddie, they talked shit about him, to Eddie. They made him look so stupid, in front of Eddie.
“I know Rich, I know. I know what they told me were lies, I know.” Eddie tried to reassure Richie, he could see the pain in his eyes, from being rejected by his parents once more.
Eddie placed his hands on both Richie’s shoulders, looking at him firmly. “Your parents are assholes, you did nothing wrong, okay? I know it’s not your fault.”
And Richie nodded and sighed heavily as he let his tensed shoulders fall a little.
“Anyways, have you eaten yet? You look like shit, Rich.” Eddie smiled as he tried to change the subject.
Richie shook his head no, he didn’t even realise he was hungry, or maybe he wasn’t, he didn’t care.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Eddie’s brows furrowed as he eyed the boy in front of him and Richie knew he was worried again.
“Uh, Shawn’s Sandwiches, I guess?”, he shot Eddie an unsure, lopsided grin to which Eddie just flipped his finger against Richie’s forehead, causing the boy to let out an “ouch!”
“Idiot, that was on Sunday morning, at 5!”, Eddie exclaimed.
“I… know?”, Richie let out a nervous laugh, but he knew Eddie wasn’t really mad at him.
“You are gonna eat now, Sir!”, Eddie commanded and folded his arms in front of his chest. He looked almost like he was pouting and Richie found it incredibly cute, not able to hold back a grin.
“Sir?”, Richie raised his eyebrow at the name, still grinning at Eddie.
But Eddie completely ignored his remark and grabbed Richie’s hands, guiding him out of his room and down the stairs as he continued to speak. “And since your parents left, we will cook.”
They stood in the empty kitchen of the Tozier’s house, an almost foreign place for Richie to stand in since he barely ever dared to go downstairs while his parents were at home.
Richie looked at Eddie “Meaning.. you will cook some super-duper delicious meal for me while I get to watch and support you.” He grinned.
“You wish.” Eddie looked around as if he was searching for something. “You’ll help me, dummy.”
Richie pouted as he followed Eddie around the kitchen like a duckling followed it’s mom.
And while they cooked, or more like Eddie cooked, while Richie was annoying the shit out of him and they laughed and talked and Richie tried to help but he failed miserably so Eddie dictated Richie to kindly “Keep that hands of yours to yourself, Richie you dumbass, you’re only ruining the food!” and Richie actually behaved so he sat and watched, commenting Eddie’s working and his cooking skills, while they did that, all the disappointment, all the sadness and confusion and the self-hatred Richie had felt, vanished.
Not forever, unfortunately, but it was relieving, if only for a short amount of time and Richie was grateful.
So while they ate, seated on the sofa in the living room, watching a movie as they did so, Richie couldn’t help but smile unconditionally, he would try to hide it but of course Eddie noticed.
But instead of saying something, instead of reacting how he would have normally “Wipe that dirty grin off your face, Richie, or do you want me to do it for you?”, he just smiled back.