Chapter Text
Chapter Ten: Rage against the dying of the light
Dabi and Hawks landed in the outskirts of the residential district. Dabi was shivering from Hawks gliding at a high altitude to avoid detection. He wrapped his goosebumped arms around himself as his teeth chattered.
"Here," said Hawks, throwing his heavy flying coat over Dabi's shoulders.
Dabi just nodded once in a slight effort at gratitude, but his gaze was locked on his surroundings. They had landed in an impovershed district just on the city outskirts. Residents had abandoned the neighborhood decades ago, and the population never bounced back. It was the perfect hiding place, but Dabi couldn't bring himself to move any closer to shelter.
"You okay?" asked Hawks lightly.
"I should have burned this place to the ground," Dabi muttered under his breath.
"What is this place?" asked Hawks.
Dabi sucked his teeth - long and drawn out as he procrastinated answering.
"Don't worry about it," grunted Dabi after the long pause.
Hawks looked around uneasily and said, "We shouldn't stay out in the open too long."
The rustling leaves in Dabi's ears grew louder. He could barely hear Hawks speaking. He scratched at his inner ear with an unkempt nail as if it would help quiet the noise in his skull. A shadow flickered in his periphery.
"Fuck" cursed Dabi, jumping to the side when he thought he saw something slither past his feet. He rubbed his temples and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the sensation of slipping out of reality. He hated looking weak in front of others. Especially Hawks.
"It's okay - there's nothing there," Hawks assured him gently.
How embarrassing.
"Yeah, that's the problem," muttered Dabi. He wished it were real. He could fight things that were real. He couldn't fight shadows and sounds in his head.
The breathing in his ears started again, growing louder and louder until Dabi felt dizzy and strange. Spinning existential dread made Dabi shake in the warmth of Hawks' jacket. Dabi closed his eyes tight. It smelled like wind chill and sky. Hawks reached out to grab Dabi's shoulder. A firm, grounding grip.
"It's getting worse," Dabi muttered before opening his eyes again - pain evident on his features.
"Dabi, I'm really worried about you," said Hawks hesitantly, "I still think you need medicine."
"They have medicine here," Dabi lied easily - perhaps it was a half truth.
The sweet bliss of sedation was calling to him like a siren in the night. It would cure at least some of his ailments.
Dabi took off on long strides down the sidewalk and gestured for Hawks to follow. The safe haven beckoned to him with flickering yellow porch lights in this destitute hell hole. Dabi quickly approached the worst looking townhouse on the block. The yard was overgrown and full of trash. The shutters were hanging half off, and paint was peeling off every surface. It was a miracle the building was still standing.
"Wait here," Dabi instructed, leaving Hawks on the sidewalk as he bounded up the path and the cracking steps without a second thought. He banged on the door loud enough to wake the neighbors, but he didn't care. He wanted what was on the other side.
"Who the fuck is that?" shouted a voice inside.
The door creaked open half an inch. Dabi couldn't see into the shadows, but he knew from experience that there was a gun on the other side of that door pointing straight at his chest.
"Who the hell are you and what do you want?" a voice demanded.
Dabi heard the gun safety click off, but he knew he wasn't in danger. It was just business as usual.
"I used to live here with you guys," said Dabi, leaning forward to peer through the crack, but there was only darkness.
"Bullshit," snapped the voice on the other side.
Dabi sighed and grumbled, "It's me....Touya."
A pause.
"Touya!!" the voice boomed, "How the hell are you!?"
Then the door flew open, and a tall, pot-bellied man with a wide shark smile stood casually, still holding a gun loosely directed towards Dabi's stomach. A smoking cigarette hung between his thin lips. A few other men in the townhouse could be seen casting curious glances from their respective locations. The man reached out with a big calloused hand and patted Dabi roughly between the shoulder blades. Dabi stumbled forward from the impact, and poisonous nostalgia hit him like a brick. He stared at the man who had saved him ten years ago - and had then promptly ruined him further. The crows feet bled out where skin used to be smooth. A few gray hairs streaked from his temples. Otherwise, not much had changed in ten years. His hair was still slicked back with a hard gel, a few pieces curling over his forehead. He still smelled like smoke and heavy cologne that clouded the senses. He was still... him. Dabi stared unblinking.
"Long time no see, kid," he rumbled, dragging his cigarette slow and steady with his chin jutted out.
Dabi tched. He was hardly a kid anymore. In fact, Dabi had changed quite a lot. They were just about the same height now. Dabi remembered this man towering over him in his youth, and somehow he still felt incredibly small in this moment. Those shark black eyes seemed be sizing up Dabi's differences over the years as well - his strength, his usefulness, his pretty new face. Gunk welled up in between his ribs, but Dabi didn't fight it.
"Hey, Gunslinger," Dabi finally greeted him weakly.
Still sizing Dabi up, Gunslinger blew a thick cloud of smoke into Dabi's face.
"What happened to you? You're real pretty now without those scars," said Gunslinger with a smile that made Dabi want to walk away. But he wouldn't.
"Can we stay here for a bit?" asked Dabi instead of answering the question about this new face that he hated.
"You know you're always welcome round here, Touya," he said easily, that smile unchanged.
"Yeah, I know," Dabi said slowly, looking off to the side at the shadows that twisted in the dead scraggly bushes.
"Ahh, I see," said Gunslinger with a soft chuckle, watching Dabi's wide blue eyes dart to the side. This man knew him. Intimately. He knew why Dabi was really here. There was very little that actually needed to be said.
Without asking, Dabi reached out and gently pulled the hand-rolled cigarette from Gunslinger's lips. He knew it would be laced with something fun. The older man laughed as Dabi dragged the hot smoke deep into his lungs and held it there until he couldn't hold it any longer.
"So, that little guard dog you brought with you - he treats you right, Touya?" Asked Gunslinger with a teasing smile and a nudge against Dabi's ribs. Overly paternal. It made Dabi frown, but he didn't shift away.
Instead of answering, Dabi just took another drag and let the cocktail of tobacco and laced drugs seep into him. He couldn't quite place the dull buzz that started in his joints. Dabi didn't care what he was ingesting, as long as it worked. The muscles in his body started to relax. But more importantly, the shadows and the noises in his mind started to fade. Dabi exhaled again and handed the butt of the cigarette back to Gunslinger, who looked at the used up nub with faint amusement.
"Come on in - introduce us to your friend," said Gunslinger with a wave of his hand. Dabi turned to Hawks, who had been watching this exchange with a deep set frown - his arms crossed unhappily over his chest. Dabi fet a twinge of unease, and gestured for him to approach.
Hawks then fixed his face into a neutral expression and walked up the broken path. Dabi considered how to introduce these wildly different groups to one another. By the time Hawks had reached the door step, Dabi didn't have a very good plan. He was also starting to feel a little high, and it was making his brain slow.
"This is Takami. He's...uh..." Dabi trailed off. He wasn't the liar here. Hawks' eyes narrowed at the use of his real surname.
"Looks familiar," muttered a guy in the back with his burly arms crossed over his chest.
Dabi didn't answer. Wings weren't very common, but it probably helped that Hawks' lip was freshly split, blood hastily wiped across his chin, and his cheekbone was bruised dark purple where Dabi had lost control. Hawks didn't really look like a hero at the moment.
"Takami - these guys are..." Dabi could barely remember the names of the others. It had been over ten years and he had rarely - if ever - been sober around them. Dabi gave up.
"Well, this is Gunslinger," Dabi gestured to the potbellied Leader, the gun still hanging on one finger, the safety still off. He never knew this guys real name, or anything else about him really.
Gunslinger just laughed and draped a muscle- bound arm over Dabi's shoulders, weighing him down.
"You still suck at introductions, Touya! I practically raised this kid after his dad kicked him out," bragged Gunslinger with a thumb pointed into his own chest.
'Raised' wasn't quite the word Dabi would have used.
"Ah, I see," said Hawks with a pleasently friendly expression that Dabi saw straight through, "You must have a fair few embarrassing stories to share then."
"Ha! We'll have to trade stories over drinks," laughed Gunslinger, "This kid was a menace to society! But we reigned him in a bit."
Gunslinger winked at Dabi, and Dabi started to feel queasy.
"You're telling me! Ha - anyways, you got any imported beers?" laughed Hawks with a brighter smile. Dabi didn't miss the way Hawks' eyes seemed dull with displeasure as the coversation evolved into debating the best bars in town.
Both Hawks and Dabi were ushered inside, having passed whatever test had been offered. Stepping into the house, music was pounding in his ears. A deep bass that made his lungs shake in his chest. Dabi saw that there was trash everywhere. There were holes in the walls from fists and stray bullets. It smelled heavily of smoke and spilled liquor. The familiar house wrapped around him like an old friend, and old cravings burned in him deeply.
"Yo, Sasu, give Takami the extended tour of the house," said Gunslinger, adding more dense smoke to the atmosphere, "I need to discuss the details of their stay with Touya. In private."
Dabi exhaled gently, cracking his jaw joints slowly in anticipation, and avoiding eye contact with Hawks. But Hawks wasn't going to let Dabi go off alone that easily. Hawks pulled Dabi off to the side as the other men chatted in the background.
"Dabi, are these the same guys that... you know," Hawks whispered in rushed tones, his eyes scanning Dabi's face urgently for an answer. Of course Hawks remembered those snippets of dirty stories. Dabi rolled his eyes and shrugged Hawks' hands off his shoulders.
"No, these guys are chill," said Dabi, lying through his teeth. Hawks' eyes narrowed.
"I don't trust the way they look at you, Dabi," whispered Hawks, looking over Dabi's shoulder for a moment.
"Yeah, sure, we'll leave because they look at me weird," said Dabi mockingly, "I just need to talk to Gunslinger to be polite and shit."
Hawks hesitated and sighed, running a hand through his hair and closing his eyes against the desire to take Dabi and rn far away from this place. But finally, he seemed resigned and muttered, "Seriously - come get me if you wanna leave."
"Just chill out, okay?" said Dabi as Hawks was pulled in the opposite direction for a 'house tour' that would keep Hawks occupied long enough for Dabi and Gunslinger to 'chat'. The other guys knew the routine just as well as Dabi did.
Hawks cast a worried glance back in Dabi's direction, but Dabi just waved him off, turned away, and walked upstairs. He knew just where to go. Dabi walked into the first room on the left without hesitation. The craving driving him forward. The room looked the same as it used to with a bare mattress on the floor. Dabi remembered that mattress well. There were a few new stains, but he remembered the old ones - some he had helped to create.
"Hey," rumbled a rough voice in the shadows of the dark room.
Dabi remembered why he was here. At the end of the room, Gunslinger leaned back against the wall. Dabi closed the door behind himself, and only the soft light from the hallway cast under the door to offer him sight.
Orange fire flickered in the low light as Gunslinger lit a new laced cigarette. Dabi followed it like a moth to the flame. Gunslinger puffed smoke and took out a silver flask. He tossed it towards Dabi without a word. They didn't need to speak. They understood each other perfectly well. Dabi caught the full flask and emptied it with a few deep gulps. The burning warmth blossomed in his empty stomach, and he felt like he belonged in this moment.
Dabi took a few steps forward until he was eye to eye with the shark that watched him without blinking. Those dead eyes crinkled at the edges in an imitation smile, barely visible in the shadows.
Gunslinger began to look uncanny as the shadows warped his face, and Dabi stole the laced cigarette again from the man's yellowed teeth. Dabi puffed it easily between his pale pink lips, blowing smoke over the man's face in return for earlier.
Just a foot apart now, they stared at each other in silence, perhaps waiting for the other to make the first move.
There was so much Dabi had thought he'd say over the years, if they ever met again - terrible vitriol, real angry shit - but none of it came out. Instead, something softer slipped off his tongue before he could hold it back.
"You sent me away," whispered Dabi as his mind started to lose focus.
Without waiting for an answer, Dabi dragged more smoke into his lungs and slid down to his knees. His free hand drifted down Gunslinger's clothes until he cupped the fabric at the man's crotch - hot and heavy and waiting. Dabi exhaled smoke when he started to feel dizzy, still caressing this man - remembering him vividly.
"We needed the money," said the older man simply, as he unzipped his fly and let his cock hang out in front of Dabi's face, "It wasn't personal, kid."
This definitely wasn't how Dabi envisioned meeting again. In his fantasies, there had been more blood. More fire. Dabi was too tired to be angry anymore.
"Yeah, I know," said Dabi as he closed his sleepy eyes, swaying forward and resting his tired head against the man's hip for just a moment - vividly remembering just how personal it had felt when Gunslinger sold him to strangers.
That evening had ended in chaos. Dabi didn't even remember the people he had killed that night in a fit of rage and heart ache - but they hadn't gotten their money's worth, that's for sure. And Dabi never saw Gunslinger again. Not until this very moment with his growing cock just barely brushing against Dabi's ear.
"Ha, wasn't personal," Dabi repeated under his breath. Dabi felt a strange smile split open on his face and he let out a bark of sharp laughter at his ill begotten fate.
Then Gunslinger pulled Dabi's head back with a gentle tug of his hair - Dabi opened his half-lidded, sleepy eyes. Looking up slowly, he saw those dark, dead pools staring back at him. There was no emotion there. There never was.
"Wasn't easy making that choice, you know - you were like a son to me," said Gunslinger easily, lighting a new cigarette.
Dabi laughed harsh and loud again as he grabbed the man's half hard cock.
"What a fucked up thing to say," whispered Dabi before he dragged his dry, dehydrated tongue up the familiar length that tasted like musk and cigarettes and salt.
"It's true," said Gunslinger as he played with Dabi's hair, and Dabi had no idea if it was true or not. It didn't matter.
"Yeah, I don't think sons are supposed to do this," Dabi muttered, slowly pumping the shaft and letting his long tongue glide over the slit. Dabi ran his tongue over the familiar veins of Gunslinger's cock, his lips closing over the thick ridges of the tip that fit so easily into his mouth.
"Just like that," muttered Gunslinger as he rolled his hips a few times, softly fucking into Dabi's lips.
Dabi stared up at him blankly - this man he'd once considered a replacement father figure - and something dark started to creep into his chest. Dabi wondered what was so worthless about himself that the people who were supposed to take care of him just wanted to fuck him instead. Again and again, this happened to him.
Dabi gagged on a particularly deep thrust and pulled back to cough and wipe his mouth. He breathed for a moment and considered what would happen if Hawks walked in at this very second. Would he leave and never return? Would he slice Gunslinger in half with his feather blade? Would he join in and fuck Dabi too?
Gunslinger pulled Dabi's mouth back onto his cock, and Dabi's tongue swirled around the tip thoughtlessly - obediently.
Dabi tried not to think about Hawks, because the shame threatened to burn him until nothing was left.
But that shame only existed because there was a little light in Dabi's heart.
It had grown over the past few years - into something like self-respect or dignity (or whatever Shigaraki had accused him of lacking). A tiny little spark that flourished in the League while he was surrounded by people who seemed to care about him for some unknown reason. And Dabi had liked that little spark. It made him feel good about himself for the first time in his life.
Even if the little light cast shadows of regret that cut him deeply now.
Dabi cherished it.
But dark sludge crawled into his ribcage - seeping deeper every second that he serviced the heartless bastard fucking his mouth.
Dabi feared that little light of self-respect would be so easy to extinguish. Dabi thought wistfully that perhaps he could protect that light if he held on tight enough.
Maybe he could save himself in the end.
"Deeper," grunted Gunslinger.
Dabi leaned in - never taking a final breath to prepare himself - and letting the tip of the thick cock hit the back of his throat without ever triggering a gag reflex.
"You're still so good at this," muttered the man as he cupped Dabi's cheek and ran this thumb over Dabi's lower eyelid and cheekbone, "I think I'll come right...here."
He tapped Dabi's face twice with the pad of his thumb.
The man started rutting gently into the back of Dabi's throat, urging him on.
"You should hurry up before your boyfriend checks on you," said Gunslinger with a hand coiled like a snake in Dabi's dark hair, holding him there. Preventing him from responding. How purposeful, Dabi thought. If Dabi could have pulled away, he would have denied the accusation. Mostly because it was so absolutely impossible.
"I like you, even if I shouldn't," Hawks had whispered.
Hawks only liked him because he didn't truly know him. If Hawks could see this willing debasement, he would know that Dabi was worthless too.
The light of self-respect flickered.
"Deeper," grunted the impatient man, pressing forward at the muscles guarding Dabi's throat.
Dabi relaxed and leaned in deeper, letting his dry lips stretch and his jaw creak wider. Letting the cock buldge into his throat. Dabi shook his head gently against the resistant muscles in his neck until they relented and allowed Gunslinger all the way in. Dabi rubbed his nose into the man's wiry pubic hair, balls resting on his chin.
Dabi's eyes fluttered. He should have breathed.
"There you go, Touya," he grunted, leaning his head back against the wall as he started to fuck into Touya's throat, holding Touya's head firmly in place.
Touya. He was Touya.
No thoughts.
No feelings.
Nothing but the shadows as his eyes rolled back in his head.
"Touya," the shadows whispered.
TOUYA.
Wind whistled through the field in the early morning. The rising light cast odd shadows that bent and danced around him. The crop leaves rustled loudly in the wind - ready for harvest. His father breathed hot and heavy into his ear while he used him - ruined him - fucked him into the dirt like he was nothing - like he was Touya. Scorching hands - scalding liquid marred his insides - breathing heavy and quick down his neck - faster faster faster -
Gunslinger's breathing hitched. His thrusts became bruising and unforgiving until he groaned and pulled out quick, his fist pumping his cock rapidly as he held Touya's head craned back.
"Look at me, Touya," he grunted, and Touya looked up drearily just as thick ropes of cum shot out over his face and hair. He didn't even flinch as cum dripped slowly into his dazed blue eyes and burned, mixing white with the tears that trailed down his face - he hadn't realized he'd started crying.
Gunslinger patted Touya's wet cheeks as a mark of a job well done, and Touya finally remembered to breathe.
"Stay as long as you want."
And then Touya was alone, still trembling on his knees with his head now hung low. The drugs and alcohol dulled his senses, but the shadows were still watching him. His father was still breathing in his ears. He could still feel the itch of desiccated crop leaves poking into his skin.
Touya finally wiped the stinging cum out of his eyes and his hair. He stood up slowly, his knees cracking. He stumbled a few steps towards the bathroom, wanting to find the stash of pills that surely remained.
There was a knock at the door.
"Dabi, are you in there?" called Hawks' voice on the other side.
His heart skipped a beat.
That's right.
He was Dabi now.
Dabi wiped his face and hair more thoroughly as the door swung open slowly.
Hawks peaked inside, his face reddened like he'd had a few beers. Dabi crossed his arms across his stomach, feeling too visible and too raw. He wasn't ready to interact with the world yet - least of all Hawks. So Dabi kept his eyes down, knowing they were probably red from drugs and cum and crying.
"Hey - are you okay? You look ..." Hawks trailed off, looking Dabi up and down as if something were amiss but he couldn't quite figure it out.
"I'm fine," said Dabi softly, but he felt the heat rising on his face. He didn't want Hawks to know.
Dabi started to sway. He pressed one palm against the wall to steady himself, and hoped he didn't look too out of it as he rubbed his eyes again.
"You don't look fine... did the conversation go okay?" Hawks asked, stepping forward to get a closer look, but Dabi turned away.
"Yeah, just a happy reunion and all that gay shit you know," said Dabi in a low tone that betrayed him.
"That's... nice," said Hawks carefully - obviously not believing a single word out of Dabi's mouth as he took another step forward to figure out what was actually wrong. He pried again, "These guys seem like they know you real well, Dabi... you swear they're not the ones who - "
"Stop," whispered Dabi, closing his eyes, rubbing them harder. He sighed. He couldn't do this.
"I think we should leave," said Hawks, gently urging him, reaching out for him.
Dabi groaned lightly. He didn't want to leave.
"It's not what you think," he tried, hoping that would be enough, but too tired and drunk to think of a more convincing lie.
Hawks opened his mouth to try again, but Dabi spoke first.
"I've gotta take a shit. I'll be awhile," said Dabi as he turned unceremoniously towards the private bathroom attached to the bedroom.
Before Dabi could escape, Hawks grabbed his wrist. Like an animal, rage came out of no where. Dabi whirled around on him and snarled, "Don't fucking touch me, Hawks."
"What the hell," snapped Hawks, stepping back at the sight of those bloodshot eyes and bared teeth.
The little light of self-respect flared bright at just the wrong moment, but it was too late. Dabi had already chosen this path.
"Seriously, fuck off," snarled Dabi, knowing he had the upper hand based on the shock on Hawks' face.
Dabi would have felt bad, but it was better than the humiliation of Hawks figuring out what Dabi had done. So he turned on his heel and left abruptly.
Dabi slammed the bathroom door behind him. He leaned back against the door and took a deep breath as he sank to the floor. His heart was hammering in his chest. Hawks was cursing vaguely on the other side of the door.
"Damn it," muttered Dabi as he held his face in his hands and scratched deeply at his scalp. He probably could have handled that better, but the thought of Hawks seeing him for what he was burned him. The little light of dignity and self-respect was still smoldering underneath all the gunk - still making him feel shame.
Eventually, Dabi heard Hawks walk away, and he could finally focus on the real reason he wanted to stay in this hell hole.
Dabi pried open the bathroom vent with his fingernails. It came loose easily. Dabi reached deep inside the air duct and found purchase on a large box. Dabi retrieved a transparent tackle box filled to the brim with pretty little pills, organized into a rainbow assortment of options so beautiful Dabi could have swooned. He missed this so terribly throughout his five years of sobriety.
Giran's voice echoed in his skull.
"You're better than this."
Maybe that was true back then.
But it wasn't anymore.
His father had made sure of that.
Dabi didn't want to think about his dad anymore. It had been a constant waking nightmare every second of every day. It consumed him. And now he could fix that.
Dabi popped open the lid, picked out random pretty pills that seemed familiar, and swallowed them dry. Dabi put a few more random pills in his pockets, and leaned his head down on the mildewed rim of the bathtub. He sighed against the cold surface puffing out his cheek as he waited for the pills to kick in. He scratched at the black mildew spots, letting black gunk build up under the nail. Finally, the world began to soften and ease. Eventually, his heart slowed down. His breaths became shallow and infrequent. His thoughts stopped coming. His eyes fluttered shut.
He fell into the sweet, dreamless sleep he'd been craving.
But it wasn't long until he felt his body shifting. Someone was picking him up off the cold tile floor - waking him.
Dabi groaned. He wanted to sleep.
A light chuckle breathed over his neck.
"I thought I'd find you here going through my shit," said the voice holding him, carrying him out of the bathroom.
Dabi's head fell back as he tried to turn away from the voice.
"Go away, Hawks," he grumbled, delerious and absurdly fucked up.
Dabi refused to open his eyes as he held on to the tendrils of sleep.
"Your angry ass boyfriend is busy playing darts - nearly broke the board a few times," said the man.
"Not my boyfriend," mumbled Dabi sleepily as he sank into the soft cloud of a floor mattress.
"Does he know that?" asked the voice.
Dabi's brows furrowed. He was confused and tired. Too many words.
"Lemme sleep," muttered Dabi, curling onto his side.
"I know what you like, Touya," the man chuckled. After a few moments, a fat finger coated in a grainy powder slipped between Dabi's parted lips. The powder was rubbed on his gums and under his tongue. His mouth went numb. His head buzzed nicely. The world got softer still.
Dabi drifted off.
It was peaceful for a little while.
Then something hurt. Deeply. But only for a second before the sweet numbness chased it away. Still, it woke him.
Dabi blinked his eyes open slowly. The world was moving. He was moving. It slowly dawned on him that someone was fucking him. The repetitive rocking of a cock fucking into his ass nearly put him back to sleep - he was so close to sleep - then Dabi gasped at a particularly painful thrust. Or he tried to. He couldn't take a full breath as his ribs creaked under the weight of a heavy body.
"Fuck," breathed Dabi, trying to focus now on who was fucking him. He wondered if it was Gunslinger. He hoped it was Hawks. The blurry world started to sharpen bit by bit. A face came into focus as he looked over his shoulder.
It was a thick, balding man grunting like a pig while he pistoned his hips against Dabi's ass.
Dabi groaned in mild disgust and curled tighter into his fetal position on the mattress. The ugly man was dripping sweat onto Hawks' jacket - Dabi vaguely worried that it would stain - or that it wouldn't smell like Hawks anymore. Maybe he'd try to wash it when this man was done with him.
The light faded dimmer.
Dabi stared to feel queasy as liqour corroded his esophagus as his stomach bounced back and forth. He groaned again.
"You like that?" grunted the ugly man.
Dabi slurred something unintelligible under his breath in dissent. He was so very tired and wanted to go back to sleep.
A fleshy, sweaty hand wrapped around Dabi's soft cock. Dabi thought he might throw up. He brushed the hand away.
"Suit yourself," the man grunted, his fingers moving back to bruise Dabi's thigh.
Dabi's fingers curled around the collar of Hawks' jacket. It still smelled like sky - but it wasn't strong enough to cover up the rank smell of body odor and liquor above him. Dabi squirmed and covered his entire head with Hawks' heavy jacket - hiding from the stench of man above him.
With his senses damped in the humid, low-oxygen, little shelter, Dabi quickly fell back asleep to the rythmic lullaby of balls slapping against his ass. It was almost pleasent. Almost.
Dabi drifted into that blissfully dreamless sleep again as the man pulled out and sprayed thick cum over Dabi's cheeks.
With enough sense to hide the evidence from Dabi's supposed 'angry boyfriend', the man pulled Dabi's pants up over the sticky mess and left Dabi alone once more.
Dreamless and peaceful, Dabi didn't remember a single moment of what had just occurred.
It wasn't until someone banged hard on the door that Dabi started to stir again.
"Dabi? Are you okay in there!?" Called a worried voice as the door slammed open, simultaneously slamming Dabi back into the waking world. The lights turned on, but Dabi was still hiding under the jacket.
So Dabi refused to move, as if he could hide there forever. Because he was so tired. So fucking tired.
"Dabi!?"
The heavy jacket was ripped off his face, and sweet cold air rushed into his lungs. A firm, urgent finger checked the slow pulse on his neck. The finger pressed deeper, searching for a regular rhythm until his vein pounded back in response.
"Fuck, you scared me," breathed Hawks, exhaling deeply in relief, "You sleep like the dead."
"You'reback," Dabi slurred incoherently, keeping his eyes closed, feeling like he'd just seen Hawks for some reason.
"You shouldn't fall asleep wherever, you know," chided Hawks lightly as he wiped drool from Dabi's lips, "These guys are creeps."
Dabi muttered incoherently. He didn't care.
But Hawks smelled like beer and warm tobacco - Dabi loved those things. He thought he might be able to sleep again.
"Come on, wake up," said Hawks gently now, rubbing his palm on Dabi's back and shifting him gently, "I'm sorry about earlier, but I still want to leave."
"No, I like it here," whined Dabi. He didn't want to leave.
There was a long pause, and Dabi felt sleep pulling him down. His thoughts got loose and wobbly.
"Hold on on second..." Hawks said slowly before pulling Dabi's eyelid open between two fingers. Bright light assaulted Dabi's retina, and Dabi winced. His pupil was a sedated pinprick and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot. Dabi pulled his head away to squeeze his eyes shut again.
Hawks was dead silent for a moment.
"Please tell me you're not on drugs right now," Hawks accused in a hiss of a whisper.
"Mmmnot," mumbled Dabi. He just wanted to go back to sleep.
"Idiot," groaned Hawks lightly.
"Youredrunk," countered Dabi weakly.
"It's not the same," snapped Hawks before sighing. It was obvious they couldn't leave with Dabi high out of his mind - not that they had anywhere else to go. Hawks relented, "Fine, but I'm not leaving you again like this. Fucking irresponsible..."
Dabi heard Hawks muttering angrily to himself as he kicked off his combat boots and lay down in the bed. Dabi shifted to face him, breathing in Hawks' warm breathes. Dabi opened his eyes just briefly to see Hawks' angry, protective scowl watching over him.
Dabi smiled lazily. Those angry golden eyes were so pretty.
"Guardian angel," murmured Dabi as he reached out to tap Hawks' scrunched up nose with a wobbly finger.
Hawks tched and rolled his eyes.
Dabi closed his eyes again. Feeling safe and secure in the silent, tenuous peace. He thought he might even fall asleep again as Hawks reached out to play with his hair. The sensation tickled down his scalp and his spine, but then Hawks stopped - Hawks wasn't playing with his hair. Hawks was inspecting him.
Dabi's stomach twisted.
"Dabi..."
Soft and ominous.
"Dabi?"
A little louder and more urgent now.
Dabi creaked his eyes open again just as Hawks reached out again and touched the same lock of his hair. In the dead silence, the crunch of dried cum between Hawks' fingers was loud and telling. Hawks pulled his hand back quickly in visceral disgust.
"What is that?" Hawks gasped as he leaned in to inspect Dabi's hair and face again. He brushed Dabi's hair away from his forehead. His thumb rubbed over a dried white smear of cum that Dabi had missed on his temple.
Hawks pulled back again with a sneer and wiped his fingers off on the mattress out of disgust.
Dabi's cheeks went bright red, but he was speechless and frozen as the events unfurled.
"Oh my god," Hawks breathed softly, then louder the second time, "Ohmyfuckinggod - did that asshole hurt you!?"
Shame swirled rampant in his guts, undeterred by the chemicals in his blood. What a terrible way for Hawks to find out. Dabi covered his eyes with his palms. He should have been more careful. Regret ate away at him, but he couldn't respond.
"Tell me now, Dabi!" Hawks shouted, jumping to his feet. Ready for a fight.
Dabi bit his lip. He didn't want to admit to trading his body for shelter again. Hawks would be devestated, but his non-response seemed to fan the flames.
"I'll beat the shit out of him if he hurt you, Dabi," seethed Hawks, rage billowing like a forest fire now. Dabi almost felt the warmth of Hawks' anger.
Just like his dad. His dad was so warm when he was angry.
Dabi's brain creaked under the stress and embarrassment.
He needed to do.... something.
Dabi exhaled slowly. He didn't have a plan.
"He didn't hurt me, Hawks," said Dabi softly - awkwardly.
Hawks didn't seem satisfied with that response.
"And the drugs?" seethed Hawks, "Did he drug you first? You know you can't consent like this, Dabi."
This was quickly spiraling out of control. Dabi looked up and saw that Hawks had reached for his feather blade. Dabi clearly remembered the swing of that sharp feather blade against the back of his legs, and Dabi felt small and vulnerable where he laid. Part of him wanted to run, but Hawks' belligerent rage held him in place - Dabi had never thought to worry if Hawks was a jealous lover - but now he suddenly feared that Hawks would redirect that anger.
"No, he didn't drug me," whispered Dabi with his gaze averted, "I just... knew where to find their stash after I sucked his dick."
Dabi winced at his own word choice and watched as the puzzles pieces clicked into place.
Hawks eyes blew wide and his mouth hung open in shock. The silence was deafening just before Hawks exploded.
"GODDAMNIT Dabi!" cursed Hawks - feathers flying out in a ring and piercing the dry wall like butter, "I knew you were lying to me about these guys. I can't believe you had me bring you back here! I can't believe this!"
Hawks cursed a loud, long string of terrible, frustrated things.
Dabi curled his knees up tight to his chest and he rested his head on his kneecaps. He didn't want to get caught up in Hawks' outburst.
"This has nothing to do with you," Dabi said softly when Hawks stopped cursing this hell hole, "I knew what I was getting myself into."
Hawks let out a loud frustrated groan, "It has a lot to do with me, actually, because I'm trying to keep you safe. Come on - we're leaving."
Hawks reached down and yanked Dabi up to his feet. Dabi yelped in suprise and yanked his wrist away as he swayed unsteadily on his feet.
"I'm staying," Dabi insisted as he caught himself and backed away.
"No. You're not," snapped Hawks.
Dabi rolled his eyes and turned away.
"It's just a blow job!" groaned Dabi, "You're such a fucking prude."
"It's not just a blow job! It's every fucked up thing you ever told me about this place! What the hell is wrong with you!?" shouted Hawks.
"You know exactly what's wrong with me," snapped Dabi as he stumbled back towards the bed.
But Hawks' had spotted something amiss, and his eyes narrowed in on Dabi's pants.
"Hold on..." said Hawks quickly as grabbed Dabi's shoulder from behind and held him back. The feather blade fell to the ground.
"Let go of me," snapped Dabi, trying to knock Hawks' hands away but failing. Dull anxiety started swirling beneath the numb chemical sludge in his brain.
"Turn around," said Hawks, deathly serious. His tone getting low and quiet as well.
Dabi sucked his teeth and ignored the order, but Hawks just spun him around anyways. He almost fell over, but Hawks was holding him upright with a bruising grip.
Dabi watched as Hawks' eyes trailed down to Dabi's crotch, and Dabi shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. He didn't like it when angry, drunk guys looked at him like that. And Hawks was very angry. And very drunk. That combination rarely ended well for Dabi.
"Come on, Hawks...just let it go," Dabi muttered while looking away, no longer trying to escape as his heart thrummed in his chest. Trying to escape never went well for Dabi either.
"You said it was just a blow job," whispered Hawks, a quiet rage smoldering under that whisper.
Hawks' arm fell back down to his side.
"Yeah," muttered Dabi, rubbing his shoulder, but staying put and wondering if he should fall to his knees for Hawks too.
"If it was just a blow job - please explain why your pants are half off," whispered Hawks, his fists clenched white.
Dabi tilted his head to the side, not understanding what Hawks was saying as his brain felt like mush. When Hawks gestured to Dabi's pants, Dabi's eyes slowly fell down.
He blinked dumbly when he saw it too.
Half hidden by Hawks' jacket, Dabi's belt was undone and his fly was unzipped. His waist band was just barely offering him modesty. The white stubble of his once clean-shaved pubic hair was peaking up over the edge of the undone pants.
Dabi hmmmed softly under his breath as his mind moved like molasses.
"Dabi - did you - did they - " Hawks voice cracked into something painful and sad.
Dabi bit his lip as he tried to...think. He didn't.... remember. Dabi furrowed his brows, feeling dizzy while he hung his head down, trying to put the pieces of his night back together. Gunslinger had left him and... then the pills in the bathroom...and... how did he end up in bed again?
Dabi didn't react as he slowly buckled his belt and zipped his fly.
That little ember in his soul was fading.
"I'll kill them," breathed Hawks his eyes wide and a little crazed.
Dabi couldn't let Hawks do that.
"We were just having a bit of fun," muttered Dabi, lying easily to avoid a catastrophic meltdown that would end with them getting shot or kicked out or both.
Hawks drew a shaking breath. He ran both hands through his golden hair and scrunched up his face as he tried desperately to believe that something terrible hadn't just happened.
"Please tell me you're not lying again?" begged Hawks, like a child latching onto a precarious dream.
Dabi turned away.
"I thought it'd easier if you thought it was just a blow job," said Dabi softly, "But yeah, I let them fuck me for drugs, okay?"
He could lie to protect Hawks. He didn't want Hawks to be sad anymore.
Conflicting emotions flickered over Hawks' face.
"So that's why you wanted to come up here alone? And when I checked on you earlier - fuck, Dabi," breathed Hawks, and Dabi just nodded, letting Hawks sink into the fantasy Dabi offered him because it was better than the terrible truth, "How many guys snuck up here while they distracted me, Dabi? Fucking hell...nevermind, I really don't wanna know."
Hawks turned away and sighed, his wings agitated as he tried to calm down.
Dabi just stared at the floor - silent and blank-faced. He actually didn't know how many guys had come up here while he was unconcious. He wasn't sure it mattered.
"I don't know why you care so much," whispered Dabi flatly.
"Seriously?" scoffed Hawks.
"Yeah, seriously," Dabi bit out.
Hawks was quiet for a while. His shoulders slumped. Hawks sucked his teeth and tapped his foot for a moment, as if decided whether or not to answer. But he was drunk, and his filter obviously wasn't working right. Finally, Hawks looked back at Dabi with sad eyes.
"You and I had sex just this morning. We said we liked each other," hissed Hawks, the hurt and rejection evident in his voice.
Dabi winced.
"These guys don't mean anything though," said Dabi, looking down at his feet.
They stared at each other for a moment. Hawks' frown deepening until the sadness and anger faded into nothingness. Emotionless plates of dull yellow, Hawks looked away.
"Fucking disgusting, Dabi. I can't believe you," he muttered.
Dabi clenched his jaw tight. Those words threatened to suffocate that ember in Dabi's chest. He snorted in bitter amusement that his night had turned out this way. Of course someone had fucked him while he slept. Of course Hawks immediately figured it out. Of course Hawks thought he was disgusting now. Who wouldn't?
Shame and bitter anger swirled in his chest and made him snap.
"Suprise, suprise, Hawks. I'm an easy fuck," spat Dabi, "Or did you not realize after you fucked me just days after my dad did? Or did you think that was normal?"
The look of pain and horror on Hawks' face was almost enough to satisfy something dark and deeply twisted in Dabi's heart.
"That's not - I didn't mean - " Hawks stuttered.
"I'm going back to sleep - try not to wake me up if you're gonna fuck me too," said Dabi as he turned away.
And then that little ember of dignity went out, with no fanfare or protest or big hurrah. That spark of self-respect petered out as if it had never existed in the first place.
That was fine.
This was fine.
He was fine.