If Not Her

Helen Peace's life has three big should have nots. She regrets nothing else – and truly, she can not really regret these three things, because they have such a large part in her life and experience. She would be poorer without them happening... But still, sometimes she wishes they hadn't.

She should have not dated a man seven years her junior – but to a middle-class American girl, who had been devoted first to her studies and then to her work, eighteen year old Michael Peace seems confident, suave and charming. She is absolutely taken with him.

Besides, it is only for a little while, until her next mission. It isn't going to last, surely, so what harm can it do to let Michael whisper sweet nothings into her ear?

She should have not married a man seven years her junior – but when you are twenty -seven and far too familiar with death and suffering people can cause each other, any reprieve is welcomed – and twenty does not seem like so much younger.

Besides, they have been dating for two years and she is in love. It is only marriage – people do it all the time. What can go wrong?

She should have not had a child with a man seven years he junior, but at twenty-one Michael is amazed to hear about her pregnancy, delighted at the birth, and heart-breakingly proud and tender when holding little Warren in his arms.

Besides, there are always her parents – who absolutely adore Michael and Michael, having grown up without parents, adores them right back – who can help to look after Warren, when she is away on long-time missions. There are enough families where one of the parents works away from home for lasting periods of time and everything still turns out all right. What problems can her absence cause, anyway?

Her parents die when Warren is five. It seems impossible that a hero might succumb to something as simple as a car accident, but Helen's mother's power has always been in persuasion, and persuasion is something that rarely works against steel and concrete.

It is pure luck that she is between missions and at home when it happens, able to take care of all the thousand and one big and little details that need to be taken care of when people pass away, because Michael is utterly devastated. At the funeral it is him who breaks down and cries. Helen comforts him, her eyes dry. She is no stranger to death. Afterward, back at home, she holds him when he cries – yet again – and misses her mother, who was always the compassionate one. She pats Michael's back absently, her thoughts going to the mission details that arrived in the morning. It is not urgent yet, and the situation can be dealt without her, she'll contact Cecily and Mark and give them her advice later, but she's still worried that something might go wrong. She remembers the gaunt and hopeless faces of the local people on the pictures that went with the mission details and knows she is needed out there. She hopes Michael will pull himself together before too long.

Helen decides that they should move into her parents house and sell the flat. It is practical – the flat is easier to sell and they have planned to buy a house of their own for a while now, because of Warren. Michael says nothing against it, so she assumes he is all right with it. He would tell her, if he wasn't, right? Besides, what can he have against the house? He has always loved it.

Five weeks after her parents' death a civil war breaks out in Africa. Or, perhaps, it would be better to say, yet another civil war breaks out yet again. Helen is familiar with the region, she has worked there before. She knows this war is not the first. And if she fails in her work, it will not be the last. The peace never lasts and Helen's work is never over. She does not have time for things less important.

The mission takes her away from home for nearly six months straight. In the mad whirlwind of diplomacy, peace talks, assassination attempts (from the fanatics), yet more peace talks and sorting out the mess of tribal traditions in the way that both sides agree to accept the compromise, Helen barely notices the time passing.

She has been at home for five weeks, when the message comes that the warring sides have started fighting again – over some perceived insult of one chief to another. Or something like that. Or other. She manages to sort it out quicker this time – after all, she personally knows most parties involved. It takes under four months. The region stays calm, after that. For a while, at least. But there's a conflict in Venezuela. An uprising in Kashmir. A riot in Antwerpen...

Helen is dedicated, natural and just plain excellent at what she does. The best. She is the one who is called when all the other avenues of action have been exhausted and all the others have admitted defeat. She never does. She just goes on and on and on... Until she reaches her goal. Peace. She is the final hope for peace. Every day tens – hundreds, thousands – lives depend on her. Every day that she is not there, that she is not working stubbornly towards her one and only goal, those lives might be lost. Is it a wonder that she can not imagine not working?

And when she realizes that she has not seen her son for almost eight months, and has no idea what he thinks, likes, or even what school he goes to – he is that age that he should have started school, right? - then there are all those children she sees every day and who smile at her, because seeing her there means their parents will come home in the evening and there will be something left to eat that will not be confiscated by the army food gathering groups.

Really, is it a wonder Helen is dedicated to her work?

Helen does not hear about Michael's arrest until eight days after the fact.

Ten days after Baron Battle has unleashed hell upon Maxwille uptown and eight days after he has been overcome and brought in by the Commander, Josie Stronghold lands in front of Helen's tent – in the middle of the rainforest and as cut off from the rest of the world as a place can be at this time and age, and people still find things to fight over, even here – and asks: „Has anybody told you about Michael?"

It's also ten days that nine year old Warren has been home alone. But Helen finds that out later. Right then she asks Josie: „What about Michael?" and listens to her talking. Then Helen asks about Warren. Josie does not know about Warren, but she promises to find out and look after him, if needed.

Helen makes it back to Maxwille in two weeks. By that time Michael Peace is securely convicted to a lifetime in solitary.

Warren has never told Will – and Josie has not, either – but there are two weeks in Warren's life when he was cooked for, cleaned up, comforted after nightmares and generally taken care of by Josie Stronghold. Steve made do on his own, since he really did not want to face the boy whose father he had sent to solitary. Well, not really him in person, but still... Josie calls him a coward, but understands, and somebody has to look after Will, of course.

Warren did not connect Josie Stronghold to Jetstream at the time. When he finds out years later, he curses the Commander and Jetstream – like he has always done – and Steve Stronghold... But not Josie. It might seem strange, but Warren's brain is a strange place, sometimes.

One day he might tell Will.

This time Helen sells the house. It's far too big. She rents a flat, planning it to be a temporary abode, until she can get things sorted out. The place she chooses is a small two-roomer above a small Chinese place called Paper Latern, and the main deciding factor in Helen's choice is Mrs. Lee, who says Warren looks a sweet boy and offers to look after him, from time to time, if needed.

Five days after they have moved in, Helen is called on an urgent mission. She sets up an account in Warren's name, arranges things with startled Mrs. Lee, leaves the final unpacking to Warren and departs. For a month.

When Helen returns, Warren has settled nicely with the Lees, has picked up quite a smattering of Chinese and is helping around in the restaurant's kitchen. He seems happy enough. Helen leaves on the next mission with a calm heart.

Her son is looked after and cared for. She can devote her time on taking care of those whose only hope for security and better tomorrow are the results of her work. The children whose terrified and hungry eyes she sees in her nightmares.

There are things in Helen's life that she should have not done. She recognizes that. She accepts that. Denial is not her way.

But she will never, ever think that she should have not done her work as she has done it, with every bit of strength and determination and dedications that are in her. With everything she is. She knows she is right when she looks into people's eyes after her work somewhere is finished. She can do that. She can give them hope.

If not her, who else?