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Chat flexed his claws into fists and took a deep breath, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
It wasn’t her fault.
“Chat?” she asked, her voice small, and he hated that it was him making her sound like that.
“I’m processing, Ladybug.”
She flinched a little at the use of her proper name instead of his usual endearments, but he was trying damn it.
It wasn’t her fault.
“It wasn’t a planned thing,” she continued, the justification squeaking out in her voice. “I was cracking and desperate and I trust her SO MUCH and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.”
“But you don’t trust me?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking. “I’ve been trying to be there for you for weeks and you’ve been pushing me away, and now you tell me someone else knows your identity.”
She curled in on herself and looked at her knees, and Chat felt his heart pang in his chest in regret, but couldn’t bring himself to take it back.
“Of course I trust you,” she whispered.
“Not enough to lean on me. Not enough to tell me before things got critical. It’s you and me against the world, until the chips are down and then it’s not,” he snapped.
She winced again, and again Chat felt a pang at the sight.
“I’m sorry Chat,” she said, still not looking at him. “I really am. I always thought you’d be the only person who would ever know my identity, but I never thought I’d be the guardian on top of it all. It’s too much. I thought I could handle it but I couldn’t, and now I’ve hurt you.”
His fix it impulse was strong, and though the instinct to comfort her was pulling at him, to say it’s ok, and and I’m fine, and to bury his feelings under making her happy, he couldn’t get the words past his throat. He lied and lied and lied to everyone, he’d lost Kagami’s friendship over those lies, and now Ladybug had told someone else the truth.
Someone who wasn’t him.
“I need some time to process this,” he said again, pushing himself to his feet.
He looked down at her, still sitting slumped against the chimney, still looking at her knees.
“I know you didn’t do it to hurt me,” he told her, staring at rooftop. “But I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt. I need some time.”
From the corner of his eye he saw her nod, and with that he vaulted off into the night.
A run around the city did nothing to make him feel better, and Adrien collapsed into bed after detransforming without looking at Plagg. Sleep didn’t come easily, the knot in his stomach causing him physical pain even as he told himself he was being irrational.
He left for school the next day looking less than perfect, but as he didn’t have any public appearances, he only had to endure Natalie pursing her lips disapprovingly.
Adrien slumped at his desk, electing not to loiter in the front with his classmates this morning. He wasn’t much in the mood for socializing.
“What’s up with you this morning?” Nino asked, flopping into his seat as the other students began filing into the room. "You ok?"
Adrien peered at his friend, Nino's guileless face full of genuine concern, perhaps wondering if he could help.
And then, as always, he lied through his teeth.
“Just didn’t sleep well.”
“Yeah? You and Marinette match.”
Adrien peered up as Alya and Marinette slipped in quietly, and he could see Nino’s point. Marinette had some bags under her eyes too, and though Adrien would have assumed it was due to staying up late on a project, Alya’s solicitousness and the absence of Marinette’s usual smile gave him pause. Maybe she was struggling with something too.
As tempting as it was to focus on his friend’s problems rather than his own, the teacher began the lesson and he had to attempt to pay attention.
At the end of the longest photo-shoot free day he could remember, Adrien quietly closed the door to his room and let out a sigh.
“You’re going to have to get it together kid,” Plagg muttered, popping out of his shirt pocket. “Apart from your partnership, you can’t make yourself a target for an akuma.”
“I know, I know!” Adrien sighed, tugging at his hair. “I just don’t know how to get rid of these feelings.”
“I’m not much for feelings, but from my long experience with humans, I don’t think you can exactly get rid of them. Not by force of will at any rate.” Plagg replied.
Adrien blinked.
“I think that sounded almost wise. What should I do instead?”
“Beats me, that’s as much therapy as you’ll get from me.”
“I wonder if she’s contacted me,” Adrien mused, and his stomach twisted again, both hoping and fearing that she had.
“Transform and find out, and then see if a run will clear your head.”
Adrien figured he must be a mess if Plagg was volunteering to transform, so he swallowed thickly and muttered “Claws out!”
There was no notification waiting for him on his baton, and he let go of some tension he didn’t realize he’d been holding while simultaneously feeling a pang of hurt.
It’s not her fault! You asked for time to process!
Chat launched himself out the window and began another run around the city.
On his second lap he passed in range of the Dupain-Cheng bakery, and the sight of Marinette’s little fairy lights reminded him how down she had seemed earlier that day. He never did find out what was wrong, but he supposed he didn’t have that right.
He touched down lightly on her balcony nonetheless, taking comfort in the warmth and lingering scent of bread the building seemed to exude. The Dupain-Chengs were such lovely people, so warm and inviting and open - even after Weredad he always felt welcome here. It was a nice change from the last 24 hours, so he let himself linger, leaning on the railing to stare out over the rooftops of the city.
After some time, a small squeak of surprise brought him around, and he sheepishly realized he’d stayed too long and Marinette had caught him.
“Ch-Chat Noir?” she stammered, and he thought that was a little surprising. She was always so sassy when he was Chat. He plastered on a smile.
“The one and only! I was just taking a rest, sorry to have disturbed you.”
“O-oh, you didn’t,” she hastened to assure him. “I didn’t even know you were here, I was just coming out to water my plants.”
She held up a small water bottle to prove her point as she hoisted herself fully onto the balcony.
“Well glad to hear I haven’t caused any anguish to the fair damsel who resides in this tower,” he hammed, bowing gallantly as he leaned into the anonymity of the mask.
When Marinette didn’t respond, however, he looked up.
She was frowning at him, clutching the water bottle more tightly than the object merited. Chat blinked at her, surprised at not receiving any reaction to his dramatics.
“Hey,” he asked, dropping the drama from his voice as he straightened. “You ok?”
Marinette blinked several times as she seemed to come back to herself.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she said, clearing her throat as she finally moved to pour some water on the nearest pot. “You seem kind of off tonight.”
Chat blinked at her in his turn. He thought his acting was spot on, thank you very much. But then, this was Marinette, who always seemed to be able to sense what people really needed. He softened.
“Superhero stuff,” he chirped, trying to keep his voice light, though he could tell he fell short.
“D- Do you want me to leave?” she asked, turning slightly back towards her skylight.
“Oh no, I’ll go, this is your home. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“No, please. It’s a nice place for… thinking. You’re welcome to it.”
“I don’t want to burden you.”
“I- you’re never a burden,” she said quietly.
Chat’s chest loosened slightly. He didn’t realize how much he had needed to hear that tonight.
“Thank you,” he whispered in return.
After a pause, Marinette cleared her throat.
“So, um, I’ll go.”
“Wait!”
Chat suddenly realized he very much didn’t want her to leave. Suddenly realized how important the presence of a friend was. Someone he knew valued him, on both sides of the mask at some level, even if she didn’t know the connection.
Marinette paused, and looked at him expectantly.
“Um, could you stay? You were nice company the last time I was upset with… the last time I was upset.” he reasoned. “Maybe… could I just vent to you a little? It’s a lot of confusing contradictory emotions and maybe it would help if I could just TELL someone about it. Without details! I just need an unbiased listener.”
“I don’t know how unbiased I would be,” Marinette muttered.
“Right,” Chat nodded in understanding. “Because you had that crush on me. But then you were also picked by Ladybug for the Mouse miraculous so presumably you can understand her side also?”
Marinette faltered at the reference to MultiMouse.
“S-so, this is about Ladybug?”
He sighed, leaning over the railing again.
“Yeah, I guess. It’s less about her specifically and more about me and the whole damn situation.”
Marinette leaned backwards on the railing next to him.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before,” she mused. “It must be really bad.”
“Its… ok so you’ve been a miraculous holder before, so you get some of it. Ladybug said you couldn’t be a holder again because you casually revealed yourself to me. Which I disagreed with, by the way, but it is what it is.”
Marinette nodded her understanding, so he continued.
“But then that’s another example. Why couldn’t I know your identity? Why can’t I be trusted with even the smallest amount of information? And Ryuuko!”
He paused as he realized that Marinette wouldn’t know what he was talking about, and sure enough she was looking at him with a troubled expression.
“Sorry I should back up. I mean, you know from your experience how important our identities are. I don’t know if most people realize, but even Ladybug and I have never known who each other are outside the mask.”
He paused and Marinette nodded, so he continued.
“So, the back story to the current issue… well Ladybug has taken on… more responsibilities. Or I guess I should say had them forced on her, but regardless. And it’s a lot, like a whole lot, and I know she’s been struggling with it, and I’ve tried to support her as much as I can. But there’s only so much I can do, you know? Because I don’t know who she is. And then the doesn’t WANT my help. She went on this rant about rom-coms and it was clear that as much as she was making light of it that she was really hurting underneath. But every time I offered support, she dismissed it like it was no big deal.”
“Like maybe if she pretended everything was fine it would actually be fine?” Marinette asked.
Chat looked up at her gratefully.
“Yes, exactly. Ladybug… doesn’t like to show weakness. But she’s human underneath, even if I’m the only one who sees that most of the time. Anyway…”
He paused and took a breath.
“So she’s been struggling, and she needed support. And apparently she-“ He cut himself off, trying to figure out a way to say it without saying it. “She… hmmm. She did… something… that’s kind of against the rules… or rather, against… uh…”
“Chat Noir?” Marinette interrupted. “You- you don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable, but… maybe just tell me? I’m sure Ladybug would understand.”
Chat considered her. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk about it without letting something slip anyway, and Marinette was almost as safe as could be. She’d never been akumatized, and Ladybug herself had trusted her.
“You can’t tell anyone, ok? It could be dangerous if someone found out too much about her… activities.”
“I swear. You can trust me,” Marinette nodded solemnly.
“I know I can,” Chat replied quietly.
Marinette blushed a little, and he cleared his throat.
“So… uh. So Ladybug… told someone else her identity. I know!” he anticipated her shock. “She’s always been so adamant about the identity thing and she’s the one who told. Apparently it wasn’t planned either, and I honestly don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”
He sighed.
“And you’re hurt that she told someone else before she told you?”
“Yep. I’m really trying not to be. It just… it feels like I’m not important. We’ve been partners through so much, through losing… a mentor, through losing our allies when Chloe exposed them, and we’ve always been able to pull together because we were PARTNERS. But she let someone else into that, and in a way it feels like she pushed me aside to do it.”
“But you said she didn’t plan it.”
“Yeah, but is that better? I mean, I know she was having trouble, but I just can’t believe she let it get to this point. I’ve been trying to offer her support for ages and she pushed me away. If she was close to cracking, why not let me, the only person in the whole city who actually knows what it’s like, support her?”
“Maybe… she needed support more on her civilian side than on her hero side? I know… when I was MultiMouse, the hardest part was finding an excuse for where I’d been. The hero part was easy in comparison.”
“Of course that’s the hardest part. I’ve had some really close calls and it’s super stressful. But if she needed someone to know her civilian identity, why couldn’t I be that person? I know how hard it is. I’ve lied to so many people that I care about. My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me in a lie about where I’d gone. I’ve-“
“You have a girlfriend?” Marinette asked in surprise.
“Had,” he corrected with a humorless smile and watched the surprise on her face slide into anguish. “Past tense. Because I lied to her all the time when I had to run off to akumas. Other people think I’ve got really weird quirks because of the excuses I’ve used. I’ve lost a relationship and damaged other ones. Because our identities are our most important secret. And she…” Chat cut off again, swallowing the lump in his throat.
“It feels like all the sacrifices I’ve made to keep my identity safe aren’t worth anything anymore.”
He heard Marinette take a deep shuddering breath.
“Maybe she’s lost some relationships too,” she said quietly. “Maybe she’s lost some relationships and was hurting another, and that one was going the be the one that broke her.”
Chat turned and blinked at her, and was moved to see the tears shining in her eyes, though she was trying to fight them. She cared about everyone so deeply.
“That’s a thought,” he said. “It shouldn’t, because I really don’t want Ladybug to be hurting, but for some reason that makes me feel a little better.”
The stood in silence for a little while, both staring vacantly in opposite directions.
“Wh-what’s going to happen with you and Ladybug?” Marinette asked after a while, her voice trembling a little.
“I’m not sure,” Chat replied, still looking over Paris. “I asked for time to process. I’m sure we’ll move past this in some way, but I just don’t see how our partnership will be the same. It’s like… it’s like there’s someone else on the inside now. And that puts up a wall. It’s weird, because even though Ladybug has always been professional, and wanted to keep things professional, I always felt like she was my best friend. Best super-hero friend anyway. And now it feels like she’s declared someone ELSE her best super-hero friend, and I’m left on the outside.”
“Chat, I’m sure she didn’t mean…” Marinette cut herself off, swallowing hard.
“I know she didn’t. I know. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. But it still really hurts, and I just don’t even know what to do about it.”
Marinette reached over and took his hand, squeezing as she took her own deep breath. Chat was surprised at how much her touch comforted him.
“Are- are you going to ask her to share identities too? Like with someone else, like she did?”
“I don’t think so,” Chat sighed, glancing sideways at her. “For one thing, I don’t even really want anyone else to know I’m Chat. I can think of maybe one person that I’d kind of like to know, maybe two, but not enough to put them in danger like that. Being Chat is like the only thing I have that’s MINE. I only really ever wanted to share it with Ladybug, and I seriously doubt she’d be willing to let TWO people know who she is. She’s got whoever that person is now, she doesn’t need me.”
“Don’t you dare say that,” Marinette retorted so fiercely that Chat looked up in surprise.
The tears were still shining in her eyes but she was glaring angrily at him. “Of COURSE Ladybug needs you! Ladybug couldn’t do anything she does without you!”
Chat squeezed her hand.
“She does need me. She needs me for the Cat- uhh my power, she needs our dynamic for the akumas, and she needs my sense of humor to distract all of us from the reality that there’s a terrorist at work in Paris every day. But the civilian stuff? The person to cry to because your partner broke up with you, who knows WHY and knows it’s not really your fault even though it seems to be, and understands how much it all sucks? That used to be me, and now it will be someone else. She never even let me help with the miraculous stuff, maybe because it’s too much work to carry it out from her home, but now that person can help with that too. Well, I don’t know if they CAN help, but they can offer support. She doesn’t need me.”
Marinette was squeezing his hand so hard it was actually starting to hurt a bit despite his supersuit. He squeezed back slightly and she loosened her grip.
“I guess… You know, I think that’s the thing that’s really getting to me. I don’t want to lose her.” Chat felt the tears finally forming in his own eyes, and swallowed the lump in his throat again, though it seemed it was a permanent fixture now.
“I don’t want to lose her,” he repeated. “And it feels like I already have.”
“Chat,” Marinette whispered, and he looked at her again. The tears were now streaming freely down her cheeks and she made no attempt to brush them away, keeping a firm grip on his hands with her own. “Chat you need to tell her this. Ladybug needs you. You’re her partner. She needs to know how you’re feeling.”
“She knows I’m feeling hurt.”
“But maybe she doesn’t know the rest of it. Maybe if you tell her what you’re afraid of, you can work it out together. Maybe there are things she can share with you that will make your partnership stronger. You can work past this. Promise me you’ll tell her.”
Chat studied her, her blue eyes flashing with sadness and fear and maybe a bit of the anger he saw earlier. Instinctively he pulled her in for a hug, and the knot in his chest loosened just a fraction more as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. With a friend like her on his side, how could he not hope, just a little?
“I promise, Marinette. I promise I’ll tell her.”