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alex thinks he might be exuding light, his skin shining in the dark for any passerby to see. he feels like he's catching fire, burning from the inside out, head spinning, knees weak.
and it's luke's fault.
because luke is standing so close to him, too close, his skin covered in a sheen of sweat and his hair sticking to his forehead, clearly still full of adrenaline from performing. they're outside, just the two of them, in a hidden alley behind the club they just finished playing - it's the type of club where no one cares how old they are, which is new and exciting - and alex really doesn't understand how he ended up here, or what he's supposed to do next.
alex doesn't know what to do because luke just laughs for a few long minutes, that same carefree, wild laugh that only music has ever been able to pull out of him, and he just looks so happy. his annoyingly perfect teeth shine in the dark, and the twinkle in his eyes is so bright that it's almost blinding. he presses his forehead to alex's shoulder, and it collides with a sharp collarbone. luke doesn't seem to mind, fingers curling around alex's hips as he laughs against him, happiness spilling out of him. it makes alex feel warm and anxious at the same time. not that he or luke have ever had a problem with touch, but this - this feels different, somehow.
when luke finally looks up, he still has the ghost of a smile on his lips, although he's stoped laughing, and the innocence in his eyes makes alex want to wrap him up in his arms and protect him from everything. but he can't. not that luke would mind a hug from alex - he'd probably welcome it. but alex can't. he can barely even move.
luke's expression shifts then, quickly, too quickly, as soon as he meets alex's eye, to something much more fragile, breathless, dangerous. their gazes stay locked together for a long time, both of them dizzy and heaving, studying each other in the dim light, and alex has always known luke was pretty but god, this just can't be fair. it's a delicate moment, more than any that's ever passed between them before: everything in alex clenches and he tries not to move, because he'll hate himself forever if he ruins this.
he's also kind of terrified, of all of it. terrified that luke will walk away now and leave him here to long for something he knows he doesn't deserve; terrified that he's somehow pressured him into this intimacy; terrified that something will actually happen between them and luke will reject him after. he never wants to be far from him again, but he doesn't know where they'll end up when the moment passes. it has him shaking, and of course luke notices.
his hands move from their place on alex's waist and he wants to protest, to ask him to stay, and he almost does but then -
then luke comes closer.
luke comes closer and he's like a drug, alex can't resist him, doesn't want to. his hands find alex's shaking ones and grab onto them as though luke might drift away if he doesn't hold on tight. alex doesn't mind.
luke's eyes are wide and gleaming under the streetlights, and he gulps. alex's eyes follow the movement and something inside him tightens. the way luke is looking at him makes him want to burst. makes him want. he squeezes alex's palm with a bruising grip. his breath, hot on alex's lips and chin, feels and sounds like a song - but then again, so does everything else out of luke's mouth.
alex feels like he's standing in the middle of a wildfire. luke's breath on his face is smoke, and wherever they touch flames ignite. he chokes on it all, on the intensity of luke, on this new closeness between them, and his only thought in that moment, barely breathing, is that if this is how he has to go than he's happy for it. he'd gladly die wrapped up in luke, he understands, and the realization startles him.
but no, he isn't dying - he's more alive than he's ever been as luke's breath fans over his hot skin, his eyes searching. alex has never felt like this, like the sun shines from inside him, light spilling from under his fingernails and behind his eyelids and between his ribs. he wonders what someone would see if they crossed the nearby street, because judging by how he feels, they're both blazing, standing inside a golden bubble of light. they're untouched by the darkness around them, by the sounds of cars rushing by, by the harsh judgements they know people would make. they've caught fire and nothing else matters anymore.
"alex," luke murmurs, soft. it brings alex back to reality, as one of luke's hands move to touch his cheek, and god, even his own name sounds like music on this boy's lips. "alex, can I..."
he trails off, doesn't finish, but it doesn't matter. "anything you want." alex would give him the moon if he could.
and then luke pushes forward and seals their lips together, and alex thinks he might just spend the rest of his life trying.
luke's lips are soft against his own - they taste so pretty, sweet and intoxicating, and alex doesn't even know how that's possible - and he's as passionate as he is in everything else. his arm sneaks around alex's waist, his other hand moving to the back of his neck, and he pulls him so close, holds him so tight, that alex thinks he might explode. he tries to reciprocate the best he can: one hand on luke's arm, the other in his hair, their lips moving together. on pure, primal instinct, he tugs on the strands of hair between his fingers - and he's so glad he did because luke makes the prettiest sound and alex swallows it down, gasping. even his moans sound musical, alex thinks, and knows luke's a record he never wants to stop listening to.
it still feels like luke is the match to his firewod, like they're kissing and burning at the same time. alex is hot all over, but he doesn't hate it. luke's mouth on his makes the burn unnoticable, muted. it makes his heart flutter and his gut clench, in the best way. his knees are weak, his lungs tight, and god, he's never felt like this. it's overwhelming and a little painful, but he never wants it to stop.
they part after what feels like years, both breathing heavily. standing so close to luke, chest rising and falling, staring at each other so openly - it all makes the thrum of anxiety beneath alex's ribs start, fast and loud in his ears.
"are you... okay with this?" he whispers shakily, hand falling from the back of luke's head, careful not to pull his hair by accident, especially now that he knows the effect it can have. the last thing he needs is for luke to make those sounds again and make alex lose his reslove and melt right back into his hands. he tries to shake the thought out of his head.
"okay with it?" luke laughs, and for a second alex is mortified, but thankfully luke doesn't let it hang in the air. he really does know alex's anxious brain inside and out. his gaze softens, "I'm more than okay with it."
luke's hand traces his cheek bone, and alex's brain is short circuiting. he only barely manages to stutter, "I - I didn't know you liked boys."
luke makes a face, pouty and dissatisfied, and alex wants to be offended, but it's so clearly innocent and well intentioned that he just smiles.
"dude, I'm seventeen. I don't know what I like." luke tells him with a shrug. after several seconds of silence, the nonchalance drains from his face, and he adds, voice tender and smile sweet, "but I like you."
alex is sure his heart has swelled up, expanded, taken all the empty spaces in his body, because how could it not? luke likes him. luke kissed him and has no problem saying, out loud, that he likes him. obviously he's always loved luke in a best-friends kind of way, but now alex feels the crush his thirteen year old self had on thirteen year old luke rear its ugly head, and he'll admit it has a good reason to. could he be dreaming? because none of this feels real.
his head hurts and he feels dizzy, hands trembling where they hover over luke's hips. he opens and closes his mouth too many times, desperate to say something, but all that happens is that his breating picks up every time his words fail him. luke has always been the one who's good with words, out of all of them. he always knows naturally how to say the right thing, especially to alex, and he does this time too: "hey. slow down. I can feel you overthinking."
and alex knows that he is, hates it, hates that it's so obvious, too - but when luke says it, all kind eyes and soft grin, it calms him down a little. "what -" he tries to speak, but only manages a single word and chokes. swallows loudly. "what am I supposed to -"
luke cuts him off, "just be alex," and somehow it makes sense when luke says it. his voice is low, a little rough from singing for hours. alex finds it soothing. luke's hand is on his cheek, and his expression is an open wound as he looks right into alex's eyes and continues, "just be you, and keep kissing me."
with a shaky exhale, alex nods his head. he can do that. luke seems to be caught somewhere between fear and happiness, and it's so goddamn innocent, so hopeful, that alex really can't deny him anything for even a minute longer. he'd give anything for luke to keep looking at him like that.
so, still dizzy, still with quivering hands and a racing mind and a pounding heart, he leans back in. they're entangled together, head to toe, as close as they can possibly be, and luke's hands sear his skin and his mouth tastes like summertime and his moans sound like promises - and alex thinks that if anyone looks at them right now they'll go blind, because he feels like he's burning brighter than the sun.