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“I thought he had longer. You told me he had longer, I can’t- please. I need a moment, just- leave me alone.”
Komaeda could hear Hinata’s soft sobs from behind the room door, muffled by the wall between them. It was funny, really- there was always going to be a wall between them, wasn’t there? Komaeda laughed, then cried, all completely in silence. He buried his face in his hands, his small frame shaking as he sobbed.
He thought he had longer, he was told he had longer. For once, he wanted longer. He wanted to do things, he wanted to live his life with Hinata like he promised they would. He wanted to keep hearing Hinata’s silly little nicknames for him, nuzzling their noses together and cuddling up in bed during thunderstorms. He wanted to wake up to Hinata’s head on his chest, to debate with him if cats or dogs were better, or if he would rather die loving someone of live alone.
“Hey.”
Komaeda looked up, smiling in his classic, carefree way at Hinata in the doorway. Hinata’s eyes were shiny and red, his hands shaking by his sides.
“Hi, Hinata-kun.” He smiled, putting on his bravest face for Hinata. No matter what, he would be brave for Hinata. No matter how terrified he was, he would stay smiling of it made Hinata feel okay.
“Um, I- fuck, I’m sure Mikan told you, right?”
He nodded curtly.
“Yes. I do apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.”
“Wh- me? This isn’t about me, I wanted to talk with you, see how you’re feeling…”
“I’m fine.” He lied. “I feel contented, like my life has finally come to an end.”
“That’s not true, you know it.” Hinata whispered. “Last month, when we were watching the stars on the beach? You remember what you said, right?”
Komaeda was silent. Hinata was much better at breaking down his walls than he anticipated, despite knowing him all these years. Hinata knew his weak points, the things that could cause his mask to slip.
“I don’t remember.” He said softly, staring at the wall.
“You said, ‘For once, I feel purpose. For the first time in my life, I feel the urge to continue living. Because of you.’ That was a lie?”
“I’m surprised you remembered.”
“Nagito.” Hinata’s voice was pleading, his eyes beginning to water. “I want to spend what time we have left with you, and I want to spend it honestly.”
Komaeda breathed in shakily, his hands trembling on his lap.
“I’m afraid, Hinata-kun.” He whispered, staring at Hinata with wide eyes.
Hinata sat down on the bed, scooping Komaeda up into a gentle embrace. Komaeda held his arm, his breathing relaxing slightly when Hinata kissed the bridge of his nose.
“I want a journal, please.” Komaeda said, and Hinata pushed his hair behind his ears. “And a pen.”
“Now?”
“Yes, please.”
Hinata nodded and let go of him with a kiss to his forehead, standing up and opening the hospital room door.
“Be right back.”
***
There was an unrealistic number of flower bouquets and heart-shaped balloons in Komaeda’s hospital room. Get-well cards lined the table, Komaeda’s fervent scribbling in his journal the only sound present in the room besides the rain pattering on the windows.
An Account of Events, Nagito Komaeda
He sighed, his pen bleeding into the page. Nothing in mind other than the title, Komaeda’s notebook was empty. He clicked his pen closed and rested the book on his bedside table, staring out the small hospital window, raindrops splattering on the glass pane. He closed his eyes, trying to recall the best moments of his life. The only things that came to mind were visions of his childhood, starting out happy but closing with despair and loneliness, as was the case for all of his memories.
He wanted to leave Hinata with something, so that he wouldn’t just be a faded memory replaced by someone else. Hinata was the only person to love him and live, and now he was the one dying. Ironic.
Ironic, Ironic, Ironic, Ironic.
My whole life has been ironic. And now, now that I’ve finally been graced with the one release I have asked for all these years, I am afraid. Ironic.
Komaeda flipped the page and continued writing.
I do not know how to say goodbye to you, my love. My hope, my world, I don’t know what I’ll do without you. Likely nothing, because I do not believe in the afterlife. But I will miss you so, Hinata Hajime. Through the years we have spent together, you have taught me to love and value my life, to accept myself for who I am. Some nights I cry because of how happy you make me.
I’m not ready to go yet, I don’t think.
***
Hinata grabbed Komaeda’s mechanical arm, pulling him into the field of wildflowers and collapsing on top of him, laughing. Komaeda laughed, too, his cheeks pink from the sunlight. Hinata kissed him on the lips for the first time, and he can’t do anything but kiss him back.
“Do you like the flowers?” Hinata asked, while braiding them into his hair.
“Oh, yes. They’re beautiful, Hinata-kun.”
“They remind me of you, in that way. Beautiful, beautiful Nagito.” He kissed Nagito’s forehead, making him smile. “I love you.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“You do.”
Hinata tangled his hands in Komaeda’s hair and kissed him, pushing his head into the plush meadow of flowers as the golden glow of the sunrise washed over them like a spoonful of honey being poured into tea. Komaeda kissed him as gently as he could, smiling against his mouth.
“Beautiful.”
***
“You ever gonna show me what you’re writing in there?” Hinata asked, nudging his shoulder and staring at the notebook.
“In due time.” He responded. Hinata tutted, kissing his forehead.
“Mm, alright. Oh, by the way, we’re having a dinner tomorrow at the restaurant. I know you can’t come, but I can sneak you some food.” Hinata winked. Komaeda smiled softly, shaking his head.
Hinata moved over to the windows, closing the blinds so that the light wasn’t so bright in the hospital room. He hummed a tune under his breath, turning around to look at Komaeda, who was no longer holding his notebook. Instead, he was swaying along to Hinata’s off-key singing, a wide smile on his face. Hinata laughed gently.
“You seem a lot happier recently.” Hinata observed, moving to sit next to him on the hospital bed. He wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him close, their cheeks pressing together.
“I don’t know if ‘happier’ is the right word. I feel relieved, I think. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terrified, but… I don’t know, I also feel really peaceful. Like everything is coming to an end, and none of it is awful or world-ending or catastrophic.” He tilted his head and smiled softly at Hinata. “I feel okay. And that’s… really good.”
Hinata leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. When he pulled away, there were tears in the corners of his eyes. He was still smiling. Komaeda rubbed his thumb over Hinata’s knuckles and rested his head on his shoulder.
“I’m gonna miss you.” Komaeda whispered. Hinata laughed, sniffling.
“Yeah. Me too.”
***
“Do you believe in soulmates, Nagito?”
Komaeda hummed, staring up at the stars and squeezing Hinata’s hand to his chest. They were resting on the roof of the amusement park’s castle, hand in hand.
“I do.” He pursed his lips, grinning and staring at Hinata. “Do you?”
“I guess. I think that soulmates are found just as much as they are made.” He stared at Komaeda. “If you really love someone, it’s not a matter of finding them, at least not to me. It’s- it’s knowing them, and compromising with them and, I don’t know, sitting on the roof of a fake castle and watching the stars with them. I think you and I were meant to be together.”
“I- I want to think that too, Hinata-kun. It’s hard for me, with my ideology and my past, but… I want to believe that us- that this was all for something. That everything happens for a reason. You might just be my reason, Hinata-kun.”
“You’re my reason, too.”
***
Komaeda wasn’t even a person anymore. He couldn’t eat, sleep, hold hands, tell jokes, anything that made him himself. His bones poked out from his pale skin, dark circles under his eyes. Every couple days he would work up the strength to write something in his notebook, but it was only a single sentence at a time.
The world was fuzzy, and everything hurt. A man kept coming into his room and holding his hands, telling him that he loved him more than anything and that he was going to be okay. Some days, that man was Hajime Hinata. Others, he was Izuru Kamukura. On the worst days, he was no one at all.
“Hey, Nagito, love.” The man kissed him, and he pulled away in shock.
“Who- do I know you?”
“Nags, it’s me.” The man held his face in his hands. The touch felt familiar, nostalgic. “Remember me? I’m Hajime Hinata.”
“Hajime Hinata.” Komaeda repeated, his head aching. “Hajime Hinata and Nagito Komaeda. Do you know those people?”
“I do.” The man said, and Komaeda felt relieved. “They’re lovely people.”
“Yes, they are.” Komaeda nodded, tears welling in his eyes. “They’re soulmates.” He whispered, tears falling down his cheeks.
The man nodded, choking out a sob. Komaeda squeezed his hand, because it felt like it was the right thing to do.
“Do you believe in soulmates?” Komaeda asked him. He smiled gently.
“In a way.”
***
“Hinata, there you are.” Komaeda smiled, staring at his face. Hinata was sobbing silently, tears rolling down his face. His mouth was covered with a hand.
“Hey, bud.” Hinata laughed, lip quivering. Tears fell onto Komaeda’s hospital gown, both Hinata’s and his own. He looked around the room to see every one of his classmates staring at him with heavy expressions. He looked back at Hinata.
“Everyone is here.” He said, and Hinata nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Where are we going?”
“A party.” Hinata laughed. Komaeda giggled, his throat burning.
“Really?”
“Mhm. Everyone’s going to be there.”
“Everyone?”
“Yeah. Me, you, Chiaki. Your parents.”
“Will my dog be there?”
“Of course.”
“Oh, Hinata-kun. I’m so excited.” His eyes welled up with tears. “I’ve never been invited to a real party before.”
“This one’s all for you. We’re gonna go as soon as you wake up, so you better fall asleep now.” He ruffled Komaeda’s hair, eyes red and puffy, tears tracking down his face.
“You promise I’ll wake up?”
“I swear on my life.”
Komaeda nodded.
“I’ll see you later, then, Hinata-kun.”
“See you.”
Komaeda closed his eyes.
***
Komaeda had written the same sentence on every page of his journal past the first two, and Hinata read every page like it were brand new. Every page, in a different corner, a different font, a different color, was one message.
You are my reason.