Work Text:
It’s been two months of new faces, new house, new streets, new office. Not sure if I can say I’m settled in, though. Despite having traveled some for work, actually living in a different country was a first.
I have to admit it feels good doing something exclusively for myself for once. Not having to think of how this promotion would affect my marriage and how Charlie probably would have made me feel self-conscious and insecure.
The process of getting over that is long and sometimes arduous. Leaving Charlie was definitely the right choice, that became even clearer to me as each day went by. The whole aftermath of the emotional abuse is the issue, though. That’s what I keep struggling to get over.
I’m sure I come across as confident and together at work, bitchy even. I can objectively say that I’m good at what I do, but every once in a while that little voice inside my head creeps in to plant some kind of doubt about my capabilities.
It happens a lot more often in my personal life. Naturally, I can’t blame that all on Charlie. That little voice has always been there. Come to think of it, that’s probably what attracted me to him in the first place, the fact that he noticed me and showed interest in me when I thought nobody like him ever would. But as the years went by, the things he said or the way he acted around me became great fodder for that little voice, so much so, that sometimes it seems to be his actual voice inside my head. Criticizing me, belittling my achievements, questioning if I’m good enough.
It appears to be getting easier to manage, my relationship with myself. This whole starting fresh in Singapore was a defining moment for me. Admitting that I had nothing to tie me down and acknowledging the ghosts that haunted me in San Francisco was a huge step. Not that I ever thought of myself as the healing journey type of person, it’s just that I’d spent years – decades, if I’m being honest – not facing myself. I had an all consuming job, an emotionally draining marriage, found some comfort in my beloved dogs, and thought that was it for me.
And in came Zoey Clarke, all awkward waves and tacky sweaters. At least that all I thought she was. But somehow, her perceptive meddling made me confront some of what I had been bottling up for so long. Not only through her words and encouragement, but also for seeing in her so much of my younger self.
Trying hard to please everyone, insecure in social interactions. Obviously a lot less guarded than me, but still there were striking similarities to a Joan I hardly even recognize. Some time after the divorce, I realized I had feelings for her – what kind of feelings still unclear, though – and I continued a path of getting in touch with who I am, trying to figure out what I want for me and all that therapy gibberish.
There was some experimenting, drinking and dancing, even that disaster of a fling with Leif. Ugh, that was definitely not a high point for me. Still, I feel like what most people do in their twenties I had to catch up on in my late forties. It’s kind of embarrassing, but it is what it is, right?
After Zoey’s father died she was in bad shape, which I can totally understand. However, that was around the time the promotion to head the Singapore division of SparqPoint evolved from being a rumor to an actual invite from the board of the company. My feelings for her were still there (and are still here) but I felt I had to do this, especially if it meant I got to groom her for taking my place leading the fourth floor of the San Francisco office.
The goodbye was bittersweet because I thought I saw something in her eyes that could hold more that friendship feelings toward me. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Either way, it was hard to leave but it was what I needed.
Now, two months later, I still miss her, and I keep working on myself. Mostly for my own benefit, of course, but there’s still a tiny part of me that hopes we can maybe have something more than the almost daily friendly texts and the couple of facetime updates we shared so far.
A few months from now there’s a conference in New York where we’ll see each other. Not that I’m anxious or anything, I just keep the reminder and countdown app on my screen.