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Though her life was fairly simple and ‘off the land’ Alicia would describe her life as a series of unlikely and unusual events, a lot of them. They didn’t even have the decency to be all at once. The fuckin’ gaul. The first bit of bullshit life fed her was that her folks were the kind with many hobbies and many more nicknacks, she’s perfectly goddamn content to blame that for her preferring a more minimalistic life. Her folks were also the rich fancy type, the exact type she don’t like; that shit’s why she divorced that slimy rich try-hard her folks damn near forced her to be with. They wanted a ‘man that would look after her’, she wanted to look after her damn self instead of needin’ some man. Being born rich was one ‘unusual’ thing she could have done damn well without. Catchin’ that slimy rich snob man"s attention was another.
Her ma was so disappointed, but she could hardly care less what that prissy entitled snob thought. That Sam girl’s hatred for her own rich folks was exactly why she liked that girl. Really good one that one.
Now Alicia’s sister... that woman was a weird unusual event all on her own. Alicia still remembers the chaos that woman caused when she declared she wanted to study ghosts. That choice in job was exactly what got Mr. Slimy Businessman to meet Alicia, since he wanted to ‘expand’ his business and thought ‘this ghost stuff’ was easy pickin’s. Alicia would have thought the whole darn thing was a load of hooey if it wasn’t for havin’ to mud-wrestle a green floatin’ octopus thing Maddie dragged home. But that event is how Alicia discovered she had a thing for wranglin’ and tanglin’ with animals, so it bloody well worked out. She also discovered her thing for cookin’ and bakin’ because after Maddie started her ‘studies’ anythin’ she cooked came to life and their ma wouldn’t ‘dirty herself’ by cookin’. Real piece of goddamn work ma was. A real fuckin’ piece of work.
And then there was the entire fuckin’ event that was Alicia movin’ out. Her folks tryin’ to stick her in rich snob spots, her wreckin’ somethin’ to make it not work, them just gettin’ frustrated and shovin’ her in some ritzy hotel, her sneakin’ off in the night with a stolen pick up truck that turned into racin’ the goddamn cops that she somehow got away wit, her findin’ her-here farm and managin’ to get damn well settled before they even actually noticed she’d fucked off, them reportin’ her missin’ only to find her settled on a farm wit her hair buzzed off. The looks on their faces had been damn near priceless, complete disgust. And they couldn’t bring her ‘back home’ to ‘set her straight’ because ‘what if someone saw us with that’. What a fuckin’ joke. She told them to go write her out of the fuckin’ will and fuck off; course they didn’t because they couldn’t have their money going to their ‘crazy daughter’, meanin’ Maddie.
And then Maddie met Jack, and Alicia met Jack. Good hardy man’s man, with some solid meat on his bones. Could fuckin’ toss tires like a champ and build a car from scratch. Alicia approved which meet their folks absolutely didn’t. They preferred that Vlad man, smarmy slimy thing that one. Alicia did not like him and she damn well told Maddie that. Woman had some sense about her and completely ignored that one. Good. Course then Jack turned out to be a ghost hunter; and definitely crazy. He blew so many things up to the point where their folks told Maddie to either ditch the man or get out of their house. Maddie hospitalising and nearly killin’ Vlad solved that argument right quick. Since their folks couldn’t be tied to ‘negligent homicide’; even if no one fuckin’ died. Jack sold a bunch of their inventions to pay for a home and the two of them left. Alicia thought that would be the end of it, two sisters both livin’ small town lives with their shit rich folks kicked to the curb.
But apparently not because those two went and had kids that were weird as shit, and Alicia got stuck bein’ the babysitter and the one they carted their kids off to as punishment. The helpin’ yard hands were nice but fuck they were strange little shits. That Jazz girl was too darn smart for her own good, and did nothin’ but stick her nose in a book. Ain’t no fuckin’ way to live. Did have a good head on her shoulders though, even if she couldn"t shut up about that fact. Girl saved a dyin’ business here once with her advice, honestly that shit slightly terrified people. Alicia couldn’t be bothered to give much of a shit beyond her and Maddie’s folks tryin’ to ‘connect’ with the girl. Which went fuck all nowhere ‘cause they didn’t have Maddie’s number and Alicia wasn’t ‘bout to hook them up wit shit.
Then there was that son of theirs, real star lover that one. Definitely didn’t have enough meat on his damn bones. Little fucker had a way with words though, by ‘way with words’ she means a way to piss people off with words. People could only take so much puns and wordplay before they wanted to punch the little fucker square in the jaw. Also had a serious thing for throwin’ insults he couldn’t fuckin’ back up. Dumb sack of shit would have been better off if he was actually dumb. The amount of times she had to punish him with hard labour was completely stupid. Then he grew up and became the creepiest little shit ever. She swore that kid did not breathe or blink enough, felt like fuckin’ ice too. Least he was a good kid though. And if he was the ‘creepy pale forest creature with glowin’ green eyes’ that scared Jebiah away from pissin’ in her cauliflower then that’s just bloody well fine by her.
Then Vlad showed his slimy face again and absolutely tried to kill Jack, Alicia ain’t stupid she knows what that man was doing. Man even had the fuckin’ guts to come to her farm and threaten her, like that was gonna do fuck all for him. She was more than happy to let a cow or two try to kick him. Course she started havin’ all sorts of money issues mysteriously after, she’d bet her left arm that fucker was behind that crap. But the next time he showed up on her doorstep Danny also mysteriously appeared and just stared at him till he fucked right off. Danny telling her that ‘she saw nothing’ before leaving. Yeah that entire day was horse shit. She hasn’t had money issues since though.
Then those fuckin’ genius magazine folks wanted to talk to Alicia because her sister and them were gonna be in it. Alicia made a damn well point to sound as stupid as possible just so the lady wouldn’t come back. Least Jazz apologised and apparently Danny saved a type of gorilla by going into its cage. Was fuckin’ nice to see he grew a pair but little fucker’s still a dumbass with no fuckin’ self-preservation.
Things were damn near normal after that, if ya ignored the dumbshit her neighbours did and the fuckin’ five-minute tornado that one day. But she fuckin’ bets that was just the world needin’ to build up because then the fuckin’ apocalypse is happenin’, a bunch of ghosts save the world, and her nephew turns out to not only be dead but also stupid enough to be some kind of superhero. She called them just to tell him he was stupid and that it was a good thing he was dead otherwise he was going to get himself killed. Which of course led to findin’ out that he was only kinda dead and ‘oh by the way, remember Vlad? Yeah he’s all kinds of kinda dead too. Surprise?’ which was some serious bullshit. At least the boy could lift entire trucks and do some serious work around the yard, also clearly liked that she didn’t treat him all different and shit.
Because fuck that. Alicia just wanted a goddamn simple life and all this shit wasn’t gonna fuck that up for her or her goddamn farm. Course she still bought one of those doll things of him and stuck it up on a shelf ‘cause it was funny buggin’ the little fucker and ‘cause the boy’s still decent family all the fuckin’ same; and no one was gonna piss in the garden of the grouchy woman who’s the aunty of the stupid powerful teenager who saved the planet. Her rhubarb has never been fuckin’ better.
She also rather figured that life was done throwin’ her through stupid ridiculous shit after that. But no, Danny goes and gets himself turned into a fuckin’ king makin’ her royalty and havin’ to attend a stupid crownin’ thing. She had absolutely been tempted to show up stark fuckin’ naked. But no, kid had been so stupid strung out that she took pity on his dumbass, didn’t fuckin’ dress up though. One thin’ she does know now too, Danny was one pampered little fucker now; least he didn’t act like no rich son of a bitch... and still dressed like his clothin’ came out of a fuckin’ dumpster or off a dead guy.
Apparently that Tucker kid was also a ‘reincarnated Pharaoh’, Sam got adopted by a ghost plant god, and the new girl Valerie was fused with a ‘nanobot suit’? Yeah Alicia wasn’t touchin’ that shit. Not now. Not ever. They were just stayin’ three stupid fuck teenagers that were actually decent friends to her nephew.
But then Maddie shows up with the whole family on her doorstep wit a goddamn clone. Said clone girl very loudly and immediately proclaimed, “heyya! You’re a great aunty now! I’m Elle and I’m Danny"s bastard clone child!”.
Alicia just stared a bit, looking to Danny as he sticks his hands in his pockets, shrugs, and adds, “yeah that ‘bout sums it up”, giving Alicia a sympathetic look, “blame Vlad. Dude was all kinds of crazy, including the illegal cloning experimentation kind of crazy”, shrugging again, “technically there was more-”.
‘Elle’ jumps in, “I had brothers!”.
“-but they kinda died”, Danny rubs his neck before patting ‘Elle’s’ head.
Alicia looks to Maddie, grumbles, “sis, this is some fuckin" bullshit”. Making Danny smirk and ‘Elle’ look at her with awe. Danny then makes a mock horrified expression like he just realised he should be bothered by something, and covers ‘Elle’s’ ears. Him sounding shocked and scandalised, “aunty! How could you? She’s two”. Everyone just shakes their heads and laughs.
Alicia grunts, “two’s old ‘nough for bullshit”, and moves to let her bullshit family into her bullshit home. The little girl runs right on in and immediately starts runnin’ all over the darn place.
Maddie goes and stands next to Alicia, “sorry about this sis, but you should at least meet her”, leaning closer, “just a warning though, she has very sticky fingers and you’ll definitely have to invite her to your next divorce anniversary, because she will take any and all excuses to bug rich people”. Alicia grunts, “and suddenly I’m good wit the little brat. Though she best not steal my shit”. As if on queue there’s a shout from the kitchen, “Elle! Don’t just eat people’s food!”. Maddie winces slightly. Alicia waves the woman off, “forget about it”, and heads towards the kitchen.
Walking in to the girl havin’ apparently eaten then entire goddamn rib roast she’d made that mornin’. “Fuck little lassie, ya can goddamn eat”, grunting, “good, get some meat on yer bones, yer skinny as shit. But yer mouth works don’t it? So ask next time, I’ll gut ya a goddamn chicken”. The girl goes wide-eyed, looks to Danny, “can I eat a chicken?”.
“Just don’t eat it raw, dummy”.
Alicia is then faced with one very hopeful-lookin’ preteen girl, least she knew how to goddamn eat. Shaking her head and grunting at Danny, “then come on you, ya helpin’ feed yer brat”. The girl grins stupidly and continues running around, Jazz running after her while Danny walks with Alicia outside. The boy givin’ her the smartass comment of, “you know it’s rude to make a ghost make another ghost”. She scowls at him, “I doubt ya care, boy”, as they walk out back to the chickens. Danny just chuckles.
Danny speaking up again after a bit and grabbing a decent enough chicken, “and just so you know, Elle’s like me. Little half-dead kid”. She snorts at that, “ya fuckers just keep on multiplyin’, dontcha”. Danny chuckles at that, giving a cheery, “yup”, before continuing properly, “she also dissolved into a puddle on me once, so I might be a little overprotective”. Alicia snorts at that, callin’ the boy overprotective was a fuckin’ understatement.
Shaking her head, “fuck yer luck is bullshit, kid. Now stop addin’ more bullshit and unlikely crap on both our lives”. Danny shrugs very awkwardly, “ey, I don’t mean to”.
“An’ neither do I, yet here we are. Hold this”, and hands Danny off the head of the chicken. Him grumbling, “and this is why Sam doesn’t like me coming here”.
“An’ like I said, she don’t control ya”.
Danny chuckles, “she tries”, shrugging, “not that I listen”.
“Fuckin’ good”.
Alicia heads back to the house, featherless chicken and Danny in tow. Tossing the thing in to get a good cook on. Elle looking over the counter with a watering mouth. Alicia shakes her head at that, talking at the boy, “so why’d ya go namin’ ‘er ‘Elle’?”. Danny chuckles almost meanly, “well originally her name was ‘Danielle’ or ‘Dani’ with an ‘i’”. The boy smirks knowin’ damn well that Alicia thinks that is some ridiculous bullshit. Because it damn well is.
“Fuckin’ seriously?”.
Danny chuckles, “yup, super stupid, I know”, puts to a hand to his chest and looks insulted, “and I happen to like ‘Elle’ as a name”. Elle sticks up a hand, “me too!”.
Alicia blinks, wait a gosh darn second, smacking the boy over the head, “you dumbass, that’s jus’ Danielle with the fuckin’ ‘Dani’ part removed. I ain’t stupid”. Danny and Elle both cackle, said cackles sound nearly the fuckin’ same.
Fuckin’ clones.
This is some serious horse crap.
Anyway, her sis and her crazy family stick around for a few days, which gets Alicia to learn that Elle was just as much of a little fucker as Danny was if not damn well more. Lassie stole an entire keg of beer, not that Alicia’s complainin’ about that. Allen the bartender now thought Alicia had an armless and legless niece though, so...
End.