Work Text:
(The footage is blurry and shaky, clearly filmed by an inexperienced videographer using a cell phone. A close-up of Peter’s terrified face takes up most of the screen. He’s running somewhere outside, during the nighttime, as is evident by the green night vision the video uses.)
“If I die,” he yells, as he looks over his shoulder, “I’m okay with my body being used as an alien sacrifice.”
[cut]
AREA 51:
a short film by peter parker.
The text is bold and white, a stark contrast against the deep black of the background.
[cut]
STARRING:
peter parker
tony stark
harley keener
[cut]
The video is timestamped at 4.05.21, 3:45 P.M. We see an unflattering angle of Peter’s face. His excitement is contagious, and his smile physically reaches from ear to ear.
“Okay,” he says, looking down at the camera with wide eyes. He fumbles for a few seconds, propping the cell phone up and adjusting the angle. It ends up lopsided anyway. “A very special letter arrived in my, uh, friend’s mail today.”
Peter pops off camera for a second, and returns quickly with a crisp envelope. He holds it right up to the camera, but doesn’t leave it there long enough for it to focus, and all that the camera picks up is a general white-beige blur.
“Dude. The fucking Illuminati!” Peter exclaims, staring at the envelope with a mixture of awe and disbelief.
Peter opens his mouth to continue, but closes it soon after, looking at someone off-camera. Their voice, immediately recognizable as that of Tony Stark’s, says: “You’re seriously making your little video?”
Smiling apologetically, Peter sets the envelope down. “That’s the prospective Illuminati member, Tony Stark. His code name will be -”
Tony Stark’s torso, as well as his arm (carrying a mugful of steaming coffee), enters the frame from the right, cutting Peter off. He moves closer and squats down, bringing his forehead into the video, exposing his deep wrinkles – that he’ll claim come from Peter - and staring right into the lens. He taps it a few times before stepping away and walking back to his original position.
“Kid,” he says. “You have no proof that this is from the Illuminati.”
“What - it says, right here -”
“‘It says.’ Never change, bambino.”
“You say that a lot, you know.”
“I’m Tony Stark, I can do what I want.”
A red outline of a box animates and appears in the bottom left corner of the screen; the caption above it reads, in a small print: “times tony stark says ‘i can do what i want.’” With a quiet ding, a small tally mark is added to the box, and the box fades away a few moments later.
“Yeah, okay. Anyway, I guess the only way to find out is to open the letter, right?” Peter glances at the camera, eyes wide with excitement, when his expression abruptly darkens. “Mr. Stark, you’re not in the frame.”
Tony brings his mug up and out of the frame, and a small slurping noise can be heard before the arm is lowered once again. “What does that mean?”
[cut]
The camera quality is infinitely better, and blissfully straight. Peter and Tony are sitting side by side in the middle of the frame on a gray sofa. Various accent pillows of all different shades and shapes lay on the edges of the couch. The bottom of a colorful artwork can be seen hanging above the couch.
“Okay!” Peter exclaims. “We’re going to open the letter now!”
He gingerly takes a letter opener from somewhere out of frame and turns it over in his hand, examining it. “What even is this?”
“A letter opener,” Tony says in between gulps of coffee, eyeing the blade in Peter’s fingers.
“Why can’t you just rip it open?”
“Do you want to rip a letter from the Illuminati open?”
“What - god, no! Illuminati, if you’re watching me, I would never disrespect your generous invitation as long as I live.”
“Laying it on a little thick there, bud, eh?”
“Nothing is too thick when it comes to the Illuminati.”
Tony scans Peter’s face for any signs of a joke, but furrows his brow when he finds none. “Okay, then. That’s why we have letter openers.”
“Holy shit, you’re right! The Illuminati definitely invented letter openers. I mean, who even uses these things?”
Another outline of a box animates, this time blue and with the caption of: “number of things peter parker claims the illuminati invented.” Just like last time, a few seconds after the tally mark appears, the entire box fades away.
Peter plucks the cream-colored envelope up and is about to stab the cardstock with the blade when Tony plucks the two items away frantically.
“Nope, I’m not going to the emergency room for a severed finger today.”
Tony sniffs as he sets both his coffee and the letter opener aside, pulling up the flap of the envelope without any hesitation, leaving a jagged edge along the seam.
“Mr. Stark! You can’t just -”
“I can do what I want,” Tony says, as he slips a thick piece of paper out from the envelope.
[Tony’s box reappears to add a second tally.]
“What does it say?” Peter asks, eagerly looking over Tony’s shoulder. The latter instinctively puts a comforting arm around Peter as he scans the lines of text.
[cut]
Peter is now lying in Tony’s lap. Tony reads aloud from the letter: “To Tony Stark: The Capitol, 4/06. 9:00 P.M.”
“That’s all?” Peter asks, staring up at Tony, his eyebrows wrinkling together.
Tony pats Peter’s leg. “Sorry, Roo.”
“Well, you’re going, right?”
“Uh -”
[cut]
There’s a new timestamp: 4.06.21, 11:00 A.M. The video is a close-up of the bottom half of Tony’s face.
“Mr. Stark, tell them where we’re going!”
“The Capitol.”
“Yeah!” Some fumbling before Peter manages to turn the camera around and show a part of his chin, some of his cheek, and his ear. “Mr. Stark’s going to become a member of the Illuminati!”
“Slow your roll, kid, we don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Peter struggles with the camera some more before turning it back on Tony. “He doesn’t think it’s legit. I’m honestly just surprised that he’s not a part of the Illuminati yet. Wait, is that why - are you -”
“No, Peter,” Tony sighs. “I’m not a part of the Illuminati.”
In the background, the engine of a plane can be heard. “That’s our ride!” Peter says from behind the camera. “It’s a private jet! Hey, you think the Illuminati invented private jets?”
[Peter’s box gets another tally as the camera moves from Tony’s chin to a panorama of a private jet with the Stark logo emblazoned on the side.]
[cut]
“Truth or dare,” Peter says from off-camera. A sliver of Tony can be seen, but the awful filming mainly shows the opulent interior of the private jet.
“Truth.”
“Are you a part of the illuminati?”
“For motherfucking Christ’s sake, Parker -”
[Later, when the completed video inevitably went viral, this audio clip soon became a reaction gif, eventually evolving to the simple text meme: for motherfucking christ’s sake, parker. (its Urban Dictionary page describes it as: ‘a reaction derived from Peter Parker’s iconic film, now used to express fond annoyance at a friend’s shenanigans.’ ) Peter regards this meme as his highest accomplishment.]
[cut]
“Truth or dare,” Peter repeats. The timestamp shows that several hours have passed since the last clip.
“Dare.”
“I dare you to call May and tell her why you really took me out of school today.”
“No.”
“You have to do it, or -”
“I’m Tony Stark, kiddo, I don’t have to do anything.”
[A third tally.]
[cut]
More time has passed. The cameraman has changed, as well. Tony is now operating the cell phone (clearly struggling if the look of frustration on his face is anything to go by) on selfie-mode. Peter can be seen dozing off on his lap.
Tony eventually begins to speak, in a whisper. “Kid fell asleep.” He glances down at the sleeping mound in his lap, stroking some of the boy’s curls. “There’s no way this invitation is real. You know, I’m probably walking straight into my death trap. The things I do for this kid...”
An off-screen voice, later identified as Happy Hogan’s, says: “How are you so sure that the Illuminati isn’t real?”
“Seriously, Hap? Well, for one thing, I’m not a member of it.”
Peter groans softly and shifts around, trying to find a more comfortable sleeping position.
“Boss, want me to help move him?” Happy asks.
“Nope.”
“Why -?”
“Because I’m Tony Stark and I can do whatever the hell I want.”
[Tally four in Tony’s box.]
Peter whines softly in his sleep and the video ends quickly, as a look of concern sweeps over Tony’s face.
[cut]
An unsteady time-lapse of the plane landing, seemingly filmed by pressing a cell phone right up to the airplane window, is shown.
[cut]
Timestamp: 4/06/21, 7:50 P.M. The camera quality has once again improved. We see Tony’s back as well as the front of his body in the mirror reflection. He’s wearing a tuxedo, with a poorly disguised Nanotech bracelet on his right wrist. Peter’s in the background, sprawled out on a bed and fiddling with his phone.
“Alright, kiddo,” Tony says, turning around to Peter. As he walks to the bed, the camera follows him. “I’m heading to join the Illuminati.”
“Don’t say it like that,” Peter whines. Tony wraps his arms around Peter’s shoulders and gives him a kiss on the forehead.
“If I die -”
“Why would the Illuminati want to kill you?”
“Well, on the, uh, off chance that this isn’t the Illuminati -”
“Stop being such a loser, Mr. Stark, this is clearly the real Illuminati. Ooh, before I forget, can you check to see if Rihanna’s there? I really like her music; I even made this really bad video to one of her songs a few years ago with Ned.”
“Sure, bud, I’ll tell her if you show me the video.”
“Aw, no, you’re never seeing the video.”
[cut]
The timestamp simply says: ‘A LATER DATE.’ Peter’s head is rested on Tony’s shoulder and the pair is watching Tom Holland’s Lip Sync Battle on a laptop. The camera focuses on the video itself, but a fond paternal look is clearly visible on Tony’s face.
[cut]
“But I really want to see the video.”
“I don’t give a shit.”
“Language, Peter Parker.”
“Language,” Peter mocked as he poked Tony playfully. “It’s 8:00 P.M.”
“Are we really doing this, Pete?”
“I mean, yes.”
[cut]
Peter is surrounded by computers. He swivels around to face the camera after typing something on the main one.
He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it quickly. “Wait, cut the camera, Happy, I need to think of something cool to say.”
“You practiced that swivel for a half hour, kid, I think Tony’s already in the building.”
“Wh-! Wait!” Peter swivels back to his computer and frantically pulls up a security camera. Tony enters the building hardly a second later, and Peter exhales in relief. “Okay. I’ve hacked into the Capitol’s security cameras. There’s no sound, so...” Peter pulled up an audio file on the computer. The audio is muted, and it can’t be heard yet. “Mr. Stark’s wearing a bug. I also put a tiny body camera in his pocket.”
The audio waveform begins to climb, and Peter eagerly puts on a pair of clunky headphones, rubbing his hands with anticipation.
[cut]
The new perspective is from Tony’s body cam, alongside the audio from the bug. Tony enters the Capitol and proceeds to the front desk. The receptionist’s face is blurred out. Tony slides the invitation across the desk and the receptionist picks it up, before nodding and leaving her post.
“Huh,” Tony mutterers. There’s a bit of feedback from the mic (from Tony tapping it, as evidenced by his “is this thing on?” once the sound returns to normal).
Tony exhales sharply and begins to look around the lobby; the video is fairly dizzying.
[cut]
“Yes!” Peter exclaims, pumping a fist in the air.
[Later, some eagle-eyed viewers pointed out that the video playing in the background on his computer was the same footage that had just been played in the film.]
“Calm down, kid,” an off-screen voice grumbles. “Nothing’s happened yet.”
“We both know you believe in the Illuminati, Happy,” Peter says, not even bothering to look at the man, his eyes glued to his computer.
“What? Where the hell’d you get that idea from?”
“You hired a, and I’m quoting from the receipt here, ‘paranormal investigator’ a few weeks ago. If you believe in ghosts enough to hire an off-brand Ghostbuster, you believe in the Illuminati.”
There’s a sigh off-camera. Then, “How do you know about that?”
Peter looks at the cameraman with a mischievous grin. “FRIDAY told me and Mr. Stark.” Peter turns back to the monitor and his eyes widen. “Wait - Happy – Holy shit !”
[cut]
Back to Tony’s body cam. The receptionist returns, along with a security guard, dressed in a perfectly tailored suit.
“Tony Stark?” The man asks, as the receptionist returns to her desk.
“The one and only.”
“Follow me.” He turns on his heel and Tony quickly follows him into through the lobby and into an elevator. Instead of pressing one of the numbered buttons, though, the man lifts up a hidden control panel and scans his hand against it.
“O’Connell, Jordan,” a feminine voice announces. The elevator begins to move.
[cut]
“What the fuck!” Peter screams, throwing his headphones across the room. “What the – Happy! Did you see that?!”
The response was little more than a grumble.
Peter goes to flip through the various security cameras in an attempt to find Tony’s location, but he’s not in any of them.
“That’s strange,” Peter mutters. “Okay. We also gave Mr. Stark a comm, in case there’s any trouble. Obviously, he won’t be able to talk to us, but maybe he’ll be able to give some sort of sign that he’s okay.”
Peter tries to put a tiny communication device in his right ear, takes it out, examines it, attempts to put it in again, takes it out once again, lets out a small ohhh sound, and finally secures it in his left ear.
“Okay, Mr. Stark, we’ve lost visuals on you. Um, sniff kind of obnoxiously if you’re okay.”
[cut]
Tony’s body cam.
He has left the elevator and is now being led through a musty hallway, which leads to a door.
He sniffs obnoxiously as the door is opened for him, revealing an enormous ballroom, filled with high-profile guests. The Illuminati triangle is displayed in many spots across the room, the most notable being a pyramid engraved in a flat golden disk, suspended and twirling in the ceiling in place of a chandelier.
“So,” Tony begins casually, as he makes his way through the room. “This is the real deal? The Illuminati?”
Tony isn’t answered. In fact, when he turns to the side, the security guard is no longer there.
His body cam is pushed to the left of the screen, and Peter’s video appears alongside it.
“Mr. Stark, go mingle!” Peter exclaims, fidgeting with some gadget and biting his lip to stifle a grin.
“The fucking Illuminati,” Tony mutters, and starts walking.
[cut]
The video remains in the split-screen view. Various celebrities can be seen in the background as Tony walks up to a refreshment table and picks up a mini quiche. He turns his head and a very familiar face can be seen.
“Is that the fucking president?!” Peter yells, staring at the camera incredulously. “How far does the Illuminati – just -” Peter lets out a slight moaning noise.
“Tony!” President Ellis cheers, shaking his hand. “I’ve been waiting for you to be invited to the Society.”
Tony lets out a small chuckle. “Yeah, I’m surprised it took this long, too.”
“If it’s any consolation, normally, prospective additions have to go through an extreme vetting process, but, well, since you’re Tony Stark, with a few strong recommendations, you skipped the wait.”
“Holy -” Peter says. “Did the Illuminati invent fast-passes?”
[Peter’s box gets a third tally.]
“Kid, not everything traces back to the Illuminati,” Happy says from behind the camera.
Peter gives the camera a The Office-style look.
[cut]
Some time has passed. Peter is now lying across his chair, swiveling from side to side. In Tony’s half, classical music is playing.
Tony takes a flute glass of champagne and brings it to his lips. When he brings his hand back down, the glass is empty.
He walks a few steps before stopping abruptly and whispering into his hidden mic, “Guess who I found?”
A look of fear dawns on Peter’s face and he scrambles back to a sitting position, anxiously readjusting his headset and saying, “Mr. Stark, if you’re talking about Rihanna -”
“Hello, there. Tony Stark,” Tony said, outstretching a hand in greeting.
“Rihanna,” Rihanna responded, smiling.
“No!” Peter whined, putting his head in his hands. “I swear, Mr. Stark, I will cry.”
“I’m a fan,” Tony responds. “There’s this kid I know, loves your music, could I get an autograph for him?”
“Wow, must be some kid to get Tony Stark to ask for an autograph,” Rihanna chuckles as she scrawls her name on a napkin.
“I have Rihanna’s autograph,” Peter says, glancing behind the camera for confirmation. “This is the best day of my life.”
Tony pockets the signed napkin and clasps his hands together. “It was a pleasure meeting you. You know, how would you feel about a collaboration with SI?”
Rihanna raises her eyebrows and tilts her head to the side. “Let me think it over.”
“If Mr. Stark works with Rihanna, I will scream,” Peter says.
[cut]
A man with a metal arm and a piercing gaze appears on Tony’s side of the film.
“Barnes?” Tony asks. “You’re in the Illuminati?”
Bucky looks Tony up and down. “Hey, Peter,” he says eventually, before walking away.
“No!” Peter screams, throwing a bunch of papers that have been placed on the desk for the express purpose of being thrown. “Bucky! Goddamn it! Mr. Stark, please tell Bucky that I will never forgive him for this.”
“For what?” Happy’s voice asks.
“He’s in the Illuminati and he didn’t think to tell me?! Do you know how many times I’ve ranted to him about conspiracy theories?”
“...like once?”
“Aw, man, you’ve got to be shitting me! Wait. Does the Illuminati spread their own conspiracy theories? Did they fucking invent conspiracy theories?!”
[Peter’s box’s tally dings up to four.]
[cut]
Peter and Tony are back at the hotel. Peter has a crazed look about him, while Tony simply appears to be amused at the boy’s antics.
“How far does this go?” Peter says, shaking his head in bewilderment. “The president is in the Illuminati. Bucky Barnes is in the Illuminati, and he never told me -”
"Kid, now that something’s happening in your little movie, how about we keep our personal lives out of this?”
“Wait, Mr. Stark, are you admitting that the Illuminati is real?” Tony doesn’t respond, simply watches Peter’s face light up. “We have to, like, do this, now.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah!” Peter pauses and exhales slowly. “I think it’s time to bring in backup.”
[cut]
Timestamp: 4.07.21, 5:30 A.M. From now on, the film generally maintains a professional quality. The video shows Peter and Tony walking in a field.
“We’re here in Rose Hill, Tennessee at an ungodly hour,” Peter explains, as the pair continues walking. He talks animatedly, using his hands to supplement his words. “This place is known for its insane ratio of cows to people, a few rest stops that you may find during a road trip, and, most notably, the place where Tony Stark hid out during the Mandarin Attacks.”
“Woah, woah, woah,” Tony holds out a hand and stops walking, causing Peter to stop in his tracks as well. “I did not ‘hide out.’”
Peter rolls his eyes, as though they’ve had this conversation a few times before. “Okay, sure. Where Tony Stark decided to live for a little while the entire world thought he was dead. Better?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” They resume walking. “Now, during his stay here, Mr. Stark lived in a garage. Which, you know, is a totally normal thing to do for someone who’s definitely not hiding.”
“Parker -”
[cut]
The duo is no longer on a path, rather, in front of an old house.
“The point is,” Peter says. “We’re here to pick up the newest addition to the team: Harley Keener.”
Tony rubs his eyes and then crosses his arms over his chest. Peter looks at him expectantly.
“What?” Tony asks.
“Aren’t you going to knock?”
“I thought you were knocking.”
“No, you’re knocking. I’ve never even met Harley before.”
“That’s a joke, you two call for hours every night.”
“See, seeing someone on a cell phone screen is incredibly different than meeting them -”
[cut]
Peter and Tony are sitting on a bench, both avoiding the other’s gaze.
“Why don’t you two want to knock on the door?” Happy asks from behind the camera in an exhausted tone.
They respond simultaneously – Tony says: “I fear only three people and Macy Keener is on that list,” while Peter says: “Macy Keener hates my guts.”
“Who else is on the list?” Peter asks, still staring at the ground.
“May and Pepper.”
“Hm. That tracks.”
“I’m still not opening the door.”
“Happy -!”
[cut]
Tony knocks on the door, glaring at Peter, and quickly yanks his hand away to tuck protectively over his chest. The door creaks open, revealing a middle-aged woman with her brown hair tied up in a bun. She glances at Tony, Peter, and the camera with narrowed eyes.
“Well,” she says eventually, her voice thick with a country accent. “You’re the guy who stole my daughter’s watch. And you’re the one who helped my kid build the Mark IV potato gun.”
Both Tony and Peter flush.
“We’d, uh, like to see your son, Ma’am?” Peter says eventually, fidgeting with a loose thread on his shirt.
“What for?” Macy leans against the frame of the door and tucks her hands underneath her arms.
“I don’t think that he can unlock his potential in Rose Hill,” Tony said. “So I wanted to offer him an opportunity -”
“You don’t think I’m a good enough mom, Stark?”
“Oh, I was not saying that at all -”
Macy shakes her head with a scowl and is about to speak when a young girl bounds into the scene and leaps up into Macy’s arms. Macy catches her effortlessly, without looking away from Tony and Peter.
“That’s Tony Stark!” The girl whispers. “I thought Harley made ‘im up.”
“Well, I am the man, the myth, and the legend,” Tony says with a smirk.
“Get outta here,” Macy says, rolling her eyes and moving to shut the door.
“No - wait – please, Mrs. Keener!” Peter exclaims, wedging his arm in between the door and the doorframe so it can’t close. “I did not wake up at 3:00 AM, get on a plane, and come all this way, just for you to turn us down. Can – can we just talk to Harley?”
[cut]
The camera focuses on the Keeners’ door. A few gusts of wind blow some stray leaves through the frame. After a few moments, Peter and Tony emerge from the house.
Tony exhales sharply and Peter runs a hand through his hair.
They leave the frame.
The camera remains on the door and a few seconds pass until Harley Keener exits with a few suitcases, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
[cut]
The trio is back on a plane. Tony is asleep in the background, while Peter and Harley are sitting next to each other, the remains of various junk foods scattered around them.
“Hello there,” Harley says with a smile. “I’m Harley Keener. I kind of saved the world a few years back.” Tony rolls over in his sleep and Harley stifles a cackle. “Holy shit, he even heard that while he’s sleepin’! Fine, I helped Tony Stark save the world.”
Peter and Harley glance over at Tony, whose eyelids flutter peacefully.
“Anyway!” Peter says with a clap. “We brought Harley in because he’s a fellow avid conspiracy theorist, and he’s also just a pretty fun guy.”
“I was just told that a third person was needed and I would be ‘satisfactory.’ I like this explanation better.”
[cut]
The lights are out. Peter and Harley’s faces are illuminated by the glow of a laptop screen and a muted sound comes out from its speaker.
The camera travels past Peter and Harley and shows what the pair is watching: Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural.
[cut]
“Hey, Pete?” Harley asks. He’s staring at the ceiling, lying down on a sofa. Peter’s on the ground, his face tucked into his pillow.
“Yep?”
“How many aliens do you think are in the Illuminati?”
“Let's be real, Harley, they’re all aliens.”
“The old man isn’t an alien.” A pause. “You know what, I take that back. He may be an alien.”
“You know what the real question is,” Peter says, lifting his head from his pillow and grinning devilishly.
“What?”
“How much do the Illuminati know about aliens?”
[cut]
Timestamp: 4/14/21, 2:50 P.M.
Tony sits in front of the camera, his feet lying up against a coffee table. Behind him is a whiteboard, the writing on it unintelligible.
A banner appears at the bottom of the screen: TONY STARK: funder of the project, resident skeptic.
“Mr. Stark,” Peter says from off-screen. “Are you a member of the Illuminati?”
“No.”
“What -”
[cut]
“They gave me this pretty official rule book. I’m not allowed to tell you I’m in the Illuminati, kid.”
“Fine,” Peter groaned. “I’m going to ask you if you’re not in the Illuminati. Can you tell me you’re not not in the Illuminati?”
“I suppose so.”
[cut]
“Mr. Stark, are you not a member of the Illuminati?”
“No,” Tony replies with a smirk.
“What are your opinions on the Illuminati?”
“I think that the Illuminati serves a much larger purpose in the world than any of us realize.”
“Wh - Mr. Stark? What are you not telling me?” No response. “Mr. Stark!”
[cut]
“Do you believe in the supernatural?”
“No.”
“Ghosts?”
“No.”
“Aliens?”
“No.”
“Demons?”
“No.”
“Are you an alien?”
“Why would I be an alien?”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Fine. No, I am not an alien.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not convinced,” comes Harley’s voice.
[cut]
Peter’s now in front of the camera, bouncing his leg quickly. The banner: PETER PARKER: film creator, “human embodiment of a puppy,” full believer.
“Are you a member of the Illuminati?” Harley asks from behind the camera.
“I wish,” Peter scoffs.
“Do you believe in the supernatural?”
“Of course.”
“Ghosts?”
“They’re boo-tiful!”
“That was a terrible pun. I’m disowning you as a friend.”
“Fair.”
“Aliens?”
“100%.”
“Demons?”
Peter pulls out a plastic water bottle and crinkles it. “Got my holy water on me at all times.”
“You’re fucking with me. That’s not actual holy water.” Peter shrugs and smiles. “Peter Benjamin fucking Parker -”
[cut]
Harley is now being interviewed; the banner appears with: HARLEY KEENER: traitor, fellow investigator, semi-believer.
“Harley,” Peter says from behind the camera. “Are you a member of the Illuminati?”
Harley shrugs. “I can’t say.”
“Fuck you, you’re not.”
[cut]
“Are you a member of the Illuminati?”
“Nope.“
“Do you believe in the supernatural?”
“Yep.”
“Ghosts?”
“Spook-tacular.”
“I deserved that. Aliens?”
“Obviously.”
“Demons?”
“Only the lemon kind.”
“Wait, you don’t believe in demons?”
“No.”
“Have you seen -”
“I’ve seen every Supernatural episode.”
“You know what, this is betrayal.”
“Go cry into your holy water.”
[cut]
Pepper gets comfortable on the sofa and smiles at the camera. Her banner reads: PEPPER POTTS: guest star, probably a god, supernatural agnostic.
“Hello, Ms. Potts,” Peter says from his position behind the camera. “Are you in the Illuminati?”
Pepper laughs. “No, I’m not.”
“I kind of don’t believe you.”
“That’s alright, Peter.”
“Harley, what do you think?”
Harley says, “Oh, yeah, Pepper’s definitely an Illuminalumni.”
“Illuminalumni?”
“It’s what I call people in the Illuminati. You’ve got Illuminati Alumni. Illuminalumni.”
“That’s not a thing.”
“I’m making it a thing.”
“You can’t just make something a thing -”
Pepper clears her throat. “Boys?”
“Oh, sorry, Ms. Potts! Do you believe in the supernatural?” Peter asks.
“I’m not sure. There are definitely some things out there that can’t be explained away, but I have a hard believing without any proof.”
“What about ghosts, specifically?”
“I think ghosts are plausible. Maybe the victims of some really awful murders.” Pepper shrugs playfully and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “Then again, I’ve never seen anything that proves that they exist, so I’m on the fence.”
“Aliens?”
“I have to say, I’ve always believed in life on other planets. Maybe because I love the movie E.T so much.”
“Pepper Potts believes in aliens?”
Pepper sighs. “Yes. I, Pepper Potts, believe in aliens.”
[And, of course, the still of this moment developed into a meme, with users replacing the word ‘aliens’ with everything from vines (I, Pepper Potts, believe *this bitch empty*), kind sentiments (I, Pepper Potts, believe *that whoever is reading this is perfect <3*), ridiculous nonsense that didn’t quite fit the format at all (I, Pepper Potts, believe *borat voice: my wiiiiife!*), and even political statements (I, Pepper Potts, believe *it’s time to dismantle the systematic racism in our society.*). Pepper Potts herself has even been known to retweet some of her favorites.]
“Awesome!” Peter exclaimed. “If anyone still doesn’t believe in aliens after hearing that, The Curse of Pepper Potts falleth upon you.”
“The Curse of Pepper Potts, huh?” Pepper laughed.
“Yep! And one more thing: do you believe in demons?”
“Sorry, Peter, I can’t say I do.”
“If anyone still believes in demons after hearing that, The Curse of Pepper Potts falleth upon you,” Harley said with a snort.
[cut]
Rhodey walks into the frame and sits down on the couch, looking at the camera equipment curiously. JAMES ‘RHODEY’ RHODES: guest star, ‘has better things to do,’ suspicious character. “I was told I needed to come in for urgent business?”
“Yep!” Peter chirped. “Mr. Colonel Rhodey, are you in the Illuminati?”
Rhodey looks at the camera incredulously. “Please tell me this isn’t the urgent business.”
[cut]
Peter and Harley are sitting in a new room that they return to later in the film and dub as ‘the alien hunting room.’
“I just think it’s highly suspicious,” Peter says, “that Mr. Colonel Rhodey wouldn’t answer our questions.”
“To be fair, he does have important shit to do.”
“Exactly, Harley, he works in the Air Force. We both know that the military has ties to the Illuminati, especially now that we have hard proof that the president’s a member – which, by the way, I feel like we need to make a bigger deal about – and Mr. Colonel Rhodey is pretty high-ranking.”
“So, what, do we think Rhodey is an alien?”
“Nah, but he’s definitely hiding something.”
“Agreed.”
[cut]
MJ and Ned are sitting side by side on the couch. A banner appears below each of them – MICHELLE ‘MY FRIENDS CALL ME MJ’ JONES: guest star, friend of peter’s, skeptic. And – NED LEEDS: guest star, peter’s GITC, full believer.
"Can you introduce yourselves?” Peter asks.
“I’m Ned!” Ned says with a warm smile. “I help Peter with programming.”
“I’m Michelle,” MJ says as she crosses her arms.
“Are either of you in the Illuminati?”
“No,” Ned says.
“Not answering that,” replies MJ.
[cut]
“Alright, I got angry at MJ for not giving me an answer, but now I kind of think she’s actually in the Illuminati,” Peter says from behind the camera. “So let’s just move on. Do you believe in the supernatural?”
At the same time, as though it were coordinated, MJ replies: “hell no,” and Ned says: “absolutely!”
“Ghosts?”
“Nope.”
“Yup!”
“Aliens?”
“Maybe.”
“Yup!”
“Wait, wait, wait, hold on. MJ, you believe in aliens?” MJ shrugs.
[cut]
Back to the alien hunting room.
“Can we talk about MJ?” Harley asks with a chuckle.
“Oh, yeah, she’s definitely an Illuminalumni.”
“It’s catching on!”
Peter rolls his eyes. “I’m just saying, now that I think about it, she always wears these triangle earrings, and we all know that the Illuminati invented triangles.”
[Peter’s box reappears and adds a strike through the four tallies.]
Harley stares at Peter with fond annoyance. “Regardless, she’s a suspect.”
“A suspect of what?”
“... suspicion.”
[cut]
“Demons?”
As expected, MJ shakes her head, while Ned exclaims: “Yep!”
“Do you have holy water, Ned?” Harley asks, barely managing to stifle his laugh.
“Oh, yeah, of course, Peter got it for me!”
“So, Peter, you’re a holy water supplier, now, huh?”
“Just don’t come begging when a demon realizes that you’re easy bait.”
[cut]
“Okay,” Peter says. Tony and Harley sit next to him. Behind them is a giant bulletin board.
[Tumblr, of course, discovered that the pages hung up during this scene were the transcriptions of the interviews they had just conducted.]
“At first, this video was just going to be about the Illuminati. We were going to use Mr. Stark in order to find out as much as we could and expose the society. But then, Harley and I realized something: we have the fucking Illuminati at our fingertips. You know what that means?”
Tony sighs and looks at Peter, resigned. “What?”
“We’re going to Area 51.”
[cut]
DAY 01 OF ALIEN INVESTIGATIONS
ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO
[cut]
Timestamp: 4.17.21, 2:15 P.M. Peter, Tony, and Harley sit on a bench. Some harsh winds blow Harley’s hair through his eyes, and a few stray ones into his mouth, which he immediately gags on.
[cut]
“We’re here in Roswell, New Mexico,” Peter explains, “to learn a bit more about aliens.”
“First impression -” Harley says, barking out a laugh. “They really fucking buy into the whole alien thing.”
[cut]
Harley’s voice continues as various short videos flick across the screen, showing vending machines, garbage cans, the like, all with kitschy alien decor.
Harley says: “Literally everything is alien themed. The UFO was kind of the best thing that ever happened to this town.”
[cut]
“What do you think, Mr. Stark?” Peter asks.
“You know what I think.”
“Just tell me again.”
“This entire thing is BS.”
“The aliens can hear you, Mr. Stark. They’re listening.”
“I’m sure they are, kiddo.”
Peter rolls his eyes and shrugs at Harley, who makes a short tsk noise. “We’re not going to be able to do anything for you once they get you, you know.”
“I wouldn’t dream of asking you to.”
“I thought you could do whatever you wanted to?”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Oh, yeah, sure, when you’re about to be eaten by an alien -”
“Fine!” Tony exclaims. “We can add that to the list of things Tony Stark has to do: feed Peter lunch and not ask Peter and Harley for help with aliens.”
[cut]
They’re in front of the International UFO Museum and Research center. Peter and Harley look quite excited, while Tony simply appears to have given up on life.
“This is a museum all about aliens!” Peter cheers. “Hopefully, it will help Mr. Stark understand that we’re not all alone out there.”
“Whatever you say, kid.”
“I say aliens are real.”
“Whatever you say other than that, then.”
[cut]
Several short clips play from the visit to the museum, such as a garish recreation of an alien abduction, a snapshot of Harley and Peter posing behind alien cutouts, a few stills of proof of extraterrestrial behavior in ancient times, and a display with a fake alien autopsy.
[cut]
Tony, Peter, and Harley are now in front of a simple poster. It’s titled: Basic Alien Types.
It lists, in the following order: WATCHER; GRAY; BROWN; MANTIS; HUMANOID; BIGFOOT.
“We as a society need to start naming things again,” Peter’s saying. “Back in the olden days, they didn’t have names for anything. They – they would walk up to a plant, pick it up, put it in their mouth, and say, ‘by golly, this plant is a ba-nae-nae!’”
“Ba-nae-nae?” Tony asks.
“Just -” Peter swats him away. “And now, we can’t even come up for a name for a different species? Because I honestly doubt that they’re just called ‘Grays’ and ‘Browns.’”
Harley’s looking thoughtfully at the poster. “Is Bigfoot an alien?”
“Nope, because Bigfoot’s not real,” Tony says with a slight smile. “Hate to be the fun sponge, but also... I’m spongeing.”
“Spongeing,” Peter repeats.
“You said you wanted people to start naming more things.”
[cut]
Harley’s struggling for air as he cackles loudly. “All these names are utter bullshit!” He says, between laughs. “Watcher. I mean, come on, all aliens are watching us. We’ve already been over the shittiness of Gray and Brown. Mantis is fine, I mean, it’s boring as hell, but fine . But – but -” Harley snorts as he stifles a laugh. “MY STARS,” he begins yelling in an exaggerated country accent. “THIS FELLOW SURE HAS GOT SOME BIG FEET. YESSIR, YESSIR, MR. BIGFOOT’S GOT SOME BIG FEET!”
“Humanoid is terrible, too. I mean, they’re obviously just disguising themselves as humans. Get out of here with that Humanoid bullshit.”
“Okay - idea,” Harley says. “You should rename them.”
[cut]
“Let me introduce you,” Peter cheers, “to the New Aliens. We have, in left to right order, one Shifty Boi, Bighead, Biggerthanbighead, Big Bad Alien Bug, Fakeass Human, and Big Guy.”
“Oh yeah,” Tony says sarcastically. “Those names are much better. My favorite part is how 2/3 of them have the word ‘Big’ in the name.”
“Fuck off,” Peter mutters. “When we go to Area 51, we’ll be using these names to identify aliens.”
“... I’m sure we will,” Tony replies.
[cut]
DAY 02 OF ALIEN INVESTIGATIONS
STARK INDUSTRIES: NEW YORK, NY
[cut]
Timestamp: 4.18.21, 11:40 AM. “We’re in the alien hunting room,” Peter says. “And we’re going to start planning our plan of attack.”
“Attack?” Tony asks. “We’re going to attack the aliens?”
“Maybe. That’s what we’re figuring out.”
[cut]
The camera speeds through a video of the trio writing various items on the whiteboard.
[Some of the internet’s favorites: a drawing of each alien they had mentioned previously along with Peter’s name for it; the entirety of the lyrics to Britney Spears’ song Alien; and a sentence that said: does holy water work on aliens? in red, followed by: shut the fuck up about my goddamn holy water, keener, in blue.]
[cut]
“Here’s an idea,” Tony says. The timestamp shows that a few hours have passed since the video began. “How about I just ask someone in the Illuminati about aliens?”
Harley and Peter stare at him blankly, shaking their heads with disappointment. “The subject of aliens is a very delicate thing, Mr. Stark,” Peter responds. “They’ll obviously deny it. You’ve got to work your way up there.”
Rolling his eyes, Tony leans back and throws his arms up. “Fine. Educate me, then. How do I work my way up there?”
Peter grins at the camera.
[cut]
DAY 07 – 37 OF ALIEN INVESTIGATION
VARIOUS ILLUMINATI GALAS
[cut]
The movie is set up like it was during the last gala, with Tony’s body cam on the left and Peter’s view on the right. Harley’s next to Peter this time, and they’re both watching, wearing matching grins.
“We’re sending Mr. Stark to infiltrate the Illuminati,” Peter says, his eyes on his computer screen. “This time, we linked his body cam to our computer, so we’ll see what he sees.”
“Basically, he’ll just be attending a few different Illuminati gatherings, all over the world, in order to gain their confidence. Then we’ll start digging for more information on Area 51,” Harley adds.
[cut]
Different snippets pass through of Tony speaking to various Illuminati members. He makes a speech at one gala, announcing Stark Industry’s official partnership with Fenty Beauty.
[cut]
DAY 38 OF ALIEN INVESTIGATION
NEW YORK, NY
Timestamp: 6.02.21, 12:30 P.M. “Today is a very big day!” Peter exclaims to the camera. He and Harley are in the alien hunting room. “Mr. Stark has a meeting with the head of the fucking Illuminati today!”
“We’re not going to share the footage,” Harley says. “Because we don’t want to incur the wrath of the Illuminati by exposing their leader.”
“Harls, we’re exposing the society itself, I don’t think they’re going to send us a decapitated alien head anytime soon.”
“... is that the best gift you could think of?”
“Anyway!” Peter claps his hands. “Mr. Stark doesn’t even want us to see who the leader is, so we’ll be listening to the audio, too.”
“Probably because you can’t keep secrets.”
“I can keep secrets!”
“Pete. You literally jump -”
[cut]
Harley and Peter are bent over a laptop.
“Hey, kiddos,” the sound crackles. “Testing, testing. Is this thing on?”
“We can hear you, Mr. Stark!” Peter says.
“Okay, I’m heading into the building now.” The soft sounds of footsteps are picked up by the audio as Peter bounces in his seat.
“Mr. Stark,” a voice eventually says. “I’ve been expecting you. Come, sit down.”
Holy shit, Peter mouths, to Harley, who looks equally stunned.
“Hello,” Tony responds. “I wanted to talk to you about aliens.”
A short chuckle. “I applaud you for your bluntness. Most don’t come straight out with it.”
“Eh, I’m Tony Stark, I do what I want.”
[Tally five in Tony’s ‘i can do what i want’ box.]
“The Society has noted your participation and generous donations, and, well, we think you’re ready.”
“He’s ready ,” Peter whispers to Harley, nudging him with a sense of urgency.
“So...”
“So,” the Illuminati leader says. He pauses. There’s an incredibly tense moment, where Peter and Harley are listening to the computer with bated breath. “Yeah,” he says eventually, with a short chuckle. “Aliens are real.”
[cut]
“WHAT THE FUCK,” Peter exclaims, throwing the laptop against the wall.
[cut]
Harley’s hair is mussed up and he’s lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling.
[cut]
Tony is the only one in the frame. Peter is snickering from behind the camera.
“Mr. Stark,” he says eventually, and Tony raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement as he gulps down a mug of coffee. “How do you feel now that you know that aliens are real?”
“Honest?”
“Yeah.”
Tony opens his mouth to speak, closes it, opens it again, and finally closes it with a slight shake of his head. He takes a long drink from his mug.
“Okay, got some strong nihilistic vibes from that.”
[cut]
“Oh, and guess what?!” Peter sits in the alien hunting room between Tony and Harley. “Aside from the fact that Harley and I just proved Tony Stark wrong, we have three tickets to go visit Area 51!”
“Tickets?” Harley asks, looking at Peter with a lopsided grin.
“Okay, not tickets, but Mr. Stark brought us these access cards. You can just head on over to Area 51 with these!” Peter looks over at Tony, who is sighing and slumped over his chair. “We’re not heading over just yet. I think Mr. Stark needs a bit of time to process.”
[cut]
DAY 69 OF ALIEN INVESTIGATIONS
ON THE ROAD; AREA 51
[cut]
Timestamp: 6.02.21, 1:00 A.M. “For the record,” Tony says, from behind the wheel of his car. “I did not need a month to adjust to the fact that aliens exist. Harley and Peter insisted on waiting until ‘day 69 of alien investigations-’ their words - for some reason.”
“No one tell him,” Peter whispers, peeking his forehead into the frame, before moving the camera to display him and Harley, rather than Tony. “So, we’re currently on our way to... drumroll please...” Peter looks expectantly at Harley, who crosses his arms.
“Drum your own roll, bitch.”
[From the second he said this, it was a known fact that it would become a meme. There was no other option.]
[cut]
Harley alternates between patting his right hand and his left hand on his knees, creating a slow and pathetic drumroll.
“Good enough!” Peter says. “We’re on our way to Area 51! We’re coming from Tennessee, after visiting Harley’s family. It’s a 19-hour drive, which means we’ll get there at around 8:00 PM, if we drive according to the speed limit. So approximately 6:00 PM.”
[cut]
Peter pulls up a duffel bag from under the seat and shows it to the camera. “We’re coming prepared.” Peter unzips the duffel bag and pulls out a horde of flashlights and lanterns, clicking them on an off to prove that they work. “We’ll need these, as we’ll be visiting the base at night. That’s when all the alien abductions happen -”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Harley says. “Is our goal here to get abducted?”
“Eh, no, but it just feels appropriate to go when it’s dark out.”
“Fair.”
Placing the lights gingerly in the bag, Peter reaches back in and takes out a pair of handcuffs. He pulls on the chains and clinks them together again. “These are handcuffs, made from vibranium. We got them straight from Wakanda!”
[cut]
The timestamp shows that the video was filmed around a week ago. Shuri, the princess of Wakanda, is in her lab, and Harley and Peter enter.
“My favorite white boys!” She cheers.
“Hi, Shuri!” Peter says. “We were wondering about vibranium.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Well, uh, in theory. Completely, absolutely theoretical – we're not about to hunt some aliens or anything – could... vibranium hold... aliens?”
“Wow. Hunting aliens without me. I thought you were bae.” Shuri dramatically puts a hand to her heart and falls to the ground, before standing up with a small jump. “But, yeah. Vibranium can hold anything. I’ll hook you guys up.”
[cut]
Back to the car.
Harley reaches into the bag, this time, and pulls out a few water guns. “We’ve also got some holy water.”
Peter’s face darkens. “Harley. Where the fuck did you find my holy water.”
[cut]
Harley now has a black eye. The water guns are nowhere to be found.
“We have some swords,” Peter says nonchalantly, pulling out a sword and unsheathing it. He gets out another, and reaches for a third, but doesn’t find it. Rustling through the bag, he comes up empty.
“Oh, yeah,” Harley says, snapping his finger. “MJ took the third one. She said she wanted to be a sword lesbian.”
An image of MJ with a sword slides into the left corner, and coasts back off the screen quickly.
“Fair enough.” Peter turns away from the camera to face forward, towards Tony. “Mr. Stark, you don’t have a sword anymore.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“MJ took your sword to be a sword lesbian.”
The car abruptly stops, and the camera flies off the chair from the acceleration. Peter tries to fix it as Tony says calmly, “Please tell me you didn’t bring any swords.”
[cut]
The car has resumed moving and the camera has been set up once again.
“Mr. Stark’s no fun,” Peter complains. “He threw our swords out the window. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, is a really bad ide – Mr. Stark -”
[cut]
“We have the swords again!” Peter cheers. “But we are strictly forbidden from using them. Which is dumb, because for all we know, swords were invented by the Illuminati expressly for the purpose of slaying aliens.”
[Peter’s box reappears and a sixth tally is added.]
“How do you know the aliens are bad aliens?” Asks Harley.
“Well, we have to be prepared, just in case they are. Besides, why would the Illuminati have invented swords if they aren’t? Use your head, Harley.”
[cut]
The clip is being filmed on a cell phone as the song Toxic by Britney Spears plays. Harley is mouthing the words dramatically as Peter snickers from behind the camera.
The video zooms in on Harley’s face, one of intense concentration, before Harley glances over to Peter and sees the phone. Immediately, he ceases to lip-sync, and his expression turns dark.
[cut]
“I, Peter Parker, am a punk-ass bitch. I am the bitchiest of bitches. I -” Peter cuts himself off with a glare at the camera. “Harley, I’m not sayi-”
[cut]
“I am the bitchiest of bitches. I admit that Harley James Keener is in every way superior to me, and I also admit that demons are not real.” Peter glances up expectantly. “Happy?” Before the clip ends, Peter says in a whisper, “if any demons are watching, Harley made me do it. Harley Keener is the one you want.”
[cut]
YMCA plays cheerfully in the car. Zoom in on Tony’s face. When the chorus starts back up, after a few moments, Tony begins to hum-sing along, and both Harley and Peter can be heard in the background, holding back fits of laughter.
[cut]
Peter’s holding the camera, and as he exits the car, with a quick click of the door, he looks up, squinting at the bright sun. He then turns the camera around, showing a parking lot of sorts. It looks more like a desert with a few cars. Harley and Tony open the trunk of the car in the background and take out the luggage as Peter moves through the lot, bringing the camera closer to a quaint inn. As he continues moving, he speaks.
“This is where we’ll be staying. It’d be really cool to sleep at Area 51, but apparently you need a specific permit that the head of the Illuminati didn’t give us, so we went for the second best option.” The camera swoops to the side to reveal a sign:
RESTAURANT
BAR • MOTEL
---
EARTHLINGS WELCOME
LITTLE A’LE’INN
A small UFO being towed by a pick-up truck is alongside it.
“We’re staying at an Area 51-themed motel!”
[cut]
Tony’s at the check-in desk as Harley walks in behind him, lugging a few suitcases on his shoulders. As he enters, a bell on the door makes a small tinkling noise, and a woman soon appears behind the desk. When she sees Tony, her eyes go wide.
“You’re Tony Stark.”
“The one and only. Two rooms, please.”
[cut]
Peter’s back to filming with his phone. He’s improved, though, and almost the entirety of his face is on camera. He’s smiling wide, and he flips the camera around, showing off the room. Harley’s on one of the beds, typing on a laptop.
“This is where we’ll be sleeping! Say hi, Harley!”
Harley flips Peter off.
The two beds are mere feet apart, and they’re quite small. The sheets have an unpleasant pattern made of dull color blocks of orange, red, blue, and white.
Peter walks a few paces and arrives at the bathroom, which is small and sparse. Through the mirror, though, his excitement is apparent.
[cut]
Timestamp: 6.02.21, 11:00 P.M. The trio is outside, in the dark night. Everything filmed at Area 51 uses night-vision.
“Holy shit,” Peter mutters. “There are actual stars up here.” He pans the camera upwards. Sure enough, there are quite a few stars in the sky.
[cut]
The video is now from Harley’s point of view.
“We’re almost at Area 51,” Harley says, as he glances at something beyond the frame. The sand crunches loudly beneath his feet. “If - wait, holy fuck – when we see aliens, I say we vote to sacrifice Tony.”
“Aye,” both Tony and Peter say.
“Glad we’re in agreement, then.”
[cut]
[Peter.]
“We’re here!” He flips the camera, showing the barbed wire that encloses the base. There’s a wide expanse of a dry desert, with sprouting plants peppering the sand every few inches. An intimidating sign warns of punishment for trespassing.
“Really loving the whole vibe here,” Harley says, and the camera moves to get him in the frame. He gestures generally in the air with his hands. “Nice and welcoming. Cozy.”
[cut]
“We just clipped our phones onto our jackets,” Peter says. “So you’ll see whatever we see.”
A guard approaches the camera and glances at Peter, Harley, and Tony. His face is blurred out.
“Hello,” Tony says, flashing his paparazzi grin. Peter turns to capture the exchange on camera, and we see Tony fishing something out of his pocket. “I was told to tell you ‘annuit cœptis?’ And we’ve got certification.” Tony hands the guard a card and nods at Peter.
We see his hand reach into his pocket and emerge with a thin piece of plastic. He walks up to the guard and hands it to him; Harley does the same.
After examining the cards, the man nods.
The gates open.
[cut]
[Tony.]
Peter and Harley are Naruto running through the wide expanse of desert.
“Do you really need to do this?” Tony asks, his camera jostling as he struggles to keep up with the boys.
“Mr. Stark, it’s for the meme,” Peter explains, turning around to shoot finger guns at Tony’s camera.
[cut]
The three investigators are now walking side by side. As Peter begins to talk, Tony moves to get him in the frame.
“It’s really weird,” Peter says, glancing around him. A spooky tune begins playing over Peter’s words. “I feel like something’s watching me. I have the chills.”
The instrumental music abruptly stops as Harley says, “Quack flesh.”
Peter snorts and looks at him. “Quack flesh?”
“Yeah, ‘ts what my little sister calls the chills. She makes this cute little duck noise and everything.”
[cut]
[Harley.]
His camera is zoomed in on Peter, who’s sweeping the area with his flashlight.
“Is there anybody out there?” Peter calls.
"Hello, Area 51!” Tony says. “Do we have any Shifty Bois with us tonight?”
“Bigheads, Biggerthanbigheads, Big Bad Alien Bugs, Fakeass Humans, and Big Guys would also be cool,” Harley adds.
“You guys! You remembered my names!” Peter purses his lips and moves to say something else, when he stops dead in his tracks, his face immediately draining of color. “What was that?” He shines his flashlight around the surrounding areas, but nothing is found.
“What was what?”
[cut]
The clip replays in slow motion, and a nearby rustling can clearly be heard as Peter says ‘names.’
[cut]
“You didn’t hear anything, Pete, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you.”
Peter curls a strand of hair around his pointer finger, his eyes darting from Harley to Tony, before he sighs. “Yeah. You guys are probably right.”
Giant bright white text appears at the bottom as the trio continues on their way: *fuck u i knew what i heard.
[cut]
Peter crouches down and opens his backpack. He pokes around in it before pulling out a small takeout box with a grin, and opening it up, revealing a piece of pizza. Tony stares at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Everyone likes pizza!” Peter exclaims, setting the box on the ground, before directing his words at the general surroundings. A suspenseful music builds up as he speaks. “Hey, aliens! Come get some pizza! Yeah, come on, grab a slice o’ pie, fresh outta da oven -”
The music stops as Tony breaks out into laughter, putting a hand up apologetically. It takes him a little while to compose himself, and when he finally does, wiping a tear from his eye, he says: “What the hell was that accent?”
“Leave me alone, I just want the aliens to eat my goddamn pizza.”
“Hey - I’m Tony Stark, I can do what I want.”
[Tally number six.]
[cut]
The pizza has been placed on the ground and everyone is sitting around it - Peter is directly across from Harley/the camera, while Tony is to the side.
“If there are any aliens here,” Peter says. “Come get y’all juice.”
“You think aliens know vines?”
“It’s worth a shot.”
“You’re going to confuse them.” Harley sighs. “ALIENS!” He bellows. “WE HUMBLY OFFER YOU OUR SIMPLE EARTHLY CREATION.”
“Why the hell are we doing this?” Tony asks as rolls his shoulders back.
“You seriously want to visit Area 51 with the knowledge that there are aliens here and come back without having seen an alien?” Peter cries.
“No, I mean – if there are aliens here, I don’t think that they can just roam around of their free will.”
A look of realization dawns on Peter’s face.
[cut]
[Tony.]
“So,” Peter says, walking alongside Harley. ”This feels like it’s going to have to turn into a rescue mission.” He sweeps his flashlight through the air, checking for any signs of the paranormal. “I was a bit of a dumbass, and in all of the excitement, I forgot that the aliens are probably not being treated so nicely here.”
A faint scream echoes through the base and both Harley and Peter’s heads snap up sharply.
“I wasn’t the only one who heard that, this time, right?”
“I heard that, too, kid.” Tony moves closer to the boys protectively.
[cut]
“It’s been a few minutes,” Peter says, facing Tony. “We’re still looking for where that sound came from. It sounded like a scream.”
“Hey, uh, maybe that could be important?” Harley gestures to a thick gate some distance away. Growing vines intersperse with the metal and various caution signs are tacked onto it lopsidedly. “Just a thought.”
Peter glances at Tony before bolting toward the gate and out of the frame.
[cut]
Peter’s holding his video in selfie-mode, and it’s shaking a great deal as he runs. Every now and again he glances up from the video to look at something past the camera, presumably the gate.
[cut]
“We’re here,” Peter says, flipping the camera to show the gate. He turns backwards. Tony and Harley are nowhere to be seen. “I’m all alone.” He exhales quickly and pumps his shoulders a few times to get the blood running. “It’s time to bust out some alien ass.” He moves to jump the fence when he pauses. “Do aliens have asses?” He stands, pondering this thought, for a few moments, before he blinks harshly and shakes his head. “Let’s just go.”
[cut]
Peter has reattached his phone to his coat, and we can see as he jumps over the gate in one fell swoop, letting out a slight whoop as he does so. Behind the gate, there is a large facility. It looks depressing, colored completely in different shades of grays and without a single window. The entire building spans farther than the eye can see.
With Peter’s panting in the background, we begin to move closer, before Peter's foot briskly kicks one of the doors open and propels his body into a forward roll.
Loud alarms begin to scream throughout the prison but Peter ignores them, running through the hallways until he comes to a screeching halt in front of a giant red button.
EMERGENCY RELEASE, it says beneath the case.
“Seriously? The Illuminati invented the Big Red Button?”
[Peter’s box reappears and adds a seventh tally mark.]
Without another second of hesitation, Peter smashes it, and the faint sound of cell doors opening can be heard.
“Fucking let's go!” He cheers, and begins running, before he stops suddenly. “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What if those aliens were in there for a reason?” The camera moves from side to side. Peter is presumably searching for an escape, or some kind of reassurance that everything will be alright. “Well, I may have just destroyed the world. Gotta blast.”
[cut]
“This was such a bad idea,” Peter says, as he runs. He’s holding the camera in his hands again, showing his face, now that he’s gotten back outside. ”Oh my god, we’re going to have to worship aliens. Holy fucking shit.”
[cut]
“Well, on the bright side? At least we’ll get to learn if they have asses and like pizza?”
[cut]
“If I die,” he yells as he looks over his shoulder, “I’m okay with my body being used as an alien sacrifice.”
[cut]
Thunder crashes behind Peter, but he doesn’t pay it any attention. “Is it bad that I kind of want to turn back and see what the aliens look like?”
[cut]
Peter flips his camera once again as Tony and Harley come into view. They’re both out of breath and they look petrified, until they lay eyes on Peter, and a change instantly overcomes them; their faces crease with pure, unfiltered anger.
“What the actual fuck, Peter -”
“I was worried out of my goddamn mind -”
[cut]
Tony, Harley, and Peter are now outside Area 51, the former two staring at the latter with narrowed eyes. The camera quality has improved yet again.
“So, uh, Mr. Stark and Harley are kind of angry at me,” Peter says shyly as his eyes quickly dart to the two.
“Kind of-?!”
[cut]
“Mr. Stark and Harley are quite angry with me,” Peter amends. “But they also want to know what happened. So, here goes.” He takes a deep breath and shakes his head in slight bewilderment. “I jumped the fence. All I could think of was freeing the poor aliens. Once I got in, these alarms starting going off -”
“Oh we heard that,” Tony says, crossing his arms. “We thought you were being fucking massacred or something.”
“Stop being so overprotective -”
“I can do what I want, I’m Tony Stark -”
[The seventh tally in Tony’s box appears.]
“Whatever, just – do you want to hear what happened or not?” When neither of them respond, Peter nods with an air of finality. “That’s what I thought.”
[cut]
The next part of Peter’s retelling appears over flashes of clips from the actual jailbreak.
“Yeah, so, I break in, kind of do this awesome superhero landing, and then I’m just running, you know? Run, run, run, run -”
[cut]
Back to Tony, Harley, and Peter.
“Yeah, we get it,” Harley says. “Then what happened?”
“Then I pressed a red button and got the hell out of there.”
Another roll of thunder strikes in the background.
“Is it concerning anyone else that this storm appeared out of nowhere?”
[cut]
[Peter.]
Feet stroll over the sand, kicking pebbles every once in a while. From behind the camera, Peter says: “We’re walking back to the motel now. I’m honestly still surprised that Mr. Stark is willing to stay at a motel.”
“Hey - take the snark down a notch, you’re grounded.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m grounded. Mr. Stark says that we’re not going to tell May about this because then he’d be grounded too, so he’s just double-grounding me. Apparently that means I’m not allowed to be sarcastic. Which – rude.”
“I’m Tony Stark, kid, I do what I want.”
[Tally number eight.]
Lightning pounds a few feet away, close enough for the camera to capture the flash of light well, and Peter jumps back.
A man appears in the lightning. The camera shakes with Peter's violent trembling.
“Hello?” Tony asks, as the lightning trickles away. “Who are you?”
A man with great blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, a hammer in his fist and a snake on his shoulder, grins.
[cut]
[Harley.]
The man’s eyes run over Peter, Tony, and Harley, before he lets out a loud, triumphant laugh and lifts Peter up in the air, slapping his back forcefully. A small squeak leaves Peter’s mouth, and the painful crunch of a camera is also heard.
[cut]
Peter’s now back on the ground, staring at the man with a look of fear.
“I AM THOR!” The man says loudly, holding his hammer to the sky. Another crack of lightning comes. “THE GOD OF THUNDER!”
“Mr. Thor?” Peter asks timidly. “If you’re a god, how come you were stuck in that prison?”
Thor falters for a second. “I do not wish to talk of that. Let us rejoice, young warrior!”
“Oh, I’m not sure I can. I’m double-grounded.”
Thor lifts Peter back up and spins him around. “Ah, you are no longer grounded!”
The snake on Thor’s shoulder slithers to the ground and pokes around Tony’s feet. Tony doesn’t notice, though, his gaze fixed expressly on Peter in Thor’s arms.
He does notice when the snake turns into a human.
Jumping back, he places a hand on his heart, his breath coming in shallow bursts. “W- What...?”
“Brother,” Thor chides, as he sets Peter back on the ground. “These are our saviors.”
“I bow to no one,” the man says, looking Peter up and down.
“No, no, we don’t want to be bowed down to,” Peter explains. “We kind of just wanted to see some aliens... are you guys aliens?”
“I suppose so,” Thor’s brother says. “I’m Loki, the god of mischief.”
“Hello, Mr. Loki!” Peter chirps, shaking his hand. “This question may sound kind of weird, but, uh, do you guys have asses?”
[cut]
The end credits begin to roll.
GUEST STARS:
rihanna fenty
matthew ellis
james barnes
macy keener
abbie keener
pepper potts
ned leeds
michelle jones
james rhodes
thor odinson
loki odinson
[cut]
EDITED BY: peter parker
FILMED BY: peter parker, harley keener, tony stark, happy hogan
FUNDED BY: tony stark
SPECIAL THANKS TO: may parker and macy keener for not strangling tony stark when they saw this video
DEDICATED TO: all the alien lives that were lost at area 51
[cut]
Thor and Loki are sitting side by side. Thor is wearing a denim jacket, drinking a hot chocolate from a mug, while Loki is wearing a black turtleneck, and drinks from a glass of water.
“Can you tell us a little about the conditions in the prison?” Peter asks from behind the camera.
“They put these ‘obedience discs’ in our necks,” Thor responds. “Whenever we would move to do something forbidden, this – this unimaginable pain would course through our bodies. Of course, we attempted escape. Many times. But with the guards and the discs... it was impossible, until you initiated the jailbreak.”
“What were the cells like, and the food?”
“Nothing fit for a prince,” Loki scoffs. “Or a king, depending on who you ask.”
“Brother -”
“Regardless,” he says with a dramatic sigh. “It was a prison. What could you expect from it? Slop for breakfast, slop for lunch, slop for dinner, the occasional fight to the death -”
“Fight to the death?”
“We were forced to fight our friends,” Thor says solemnly, taking a sip from his cocoa. “I killed many, many souls.”
“They called him Sparkle Hands,” Loki says with a short laugh. Then, imitating the voice of a sports announcer: “In this next match, we have SPARKLE HANDS up against THE MEAN, KREE, FIGHTING MACHINE!”
[cut]
“In short,” Thor says, as he looks straight into the camera. “What happened was unimaginably horrible. My greatest gratitude to young Peter, who liberated me and many others.”
[cut]
NOTE:
everything you have just seen is completely real footage.
after the raid, dozens of aliens were unleashed and they returned to their home planets.
you’re probably wondering how you didn’t hear about this in the news. we wondered the same thing.
we deserve answers.
[cut]
Peter stares into the camera, cracks his neck from side to side, and then cracks his knuckles.
[cut]
Bucky Barnes stares into the camera, unmoving.
[cut]
Side view of both Peter Parker and Bucky Barnes staring into each other's eyes.
[cut]
“Why’d you do it, Bucky?” Peter says eventually. “Why the hell did you do it?”
[cut]
“ - AND THE TIME I SHOWED YOU THE BUZZFEED UNSOLVED EPISODE ABOUT THE ILLUMINATI AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING BLINK -”
[cut]
Peter’s hanging from Bucky’s arm, banging on it every so often. Bucky still stares straight ahead, looking bored.
[cut]
There’s a collection of various triangle-shaped items on the table, including some chips, pizza, a ruler, and a road sign. Peter throws all of these at the wall with a small grunt, glancing at Bucky’s face for any reaction after each one (there is none).
“How do you like that, Bucky?” Peter asks as he throws a pair of triangular earrings at the wall.
[cut]
Peter throws his hands up in the air and yells. “I give up. He’s scaring me.” After Peter storms out and lets the door clang shut behind him, Bucky grins at the camera and winks.