Archive of Our Own ^beta

He was in his first year of high school when he met Oikawa Tooru. He was in his first year of University when he began attending the same school as the setter and ended up sharing a dorm with him by pure chance.

What had been a small attraction in high school blossomed with the extended contact.

He’s so beautiful. Hinata Shouyou thought to himself as he watched his University roommate putter about their small kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. The elder was chattering away about something or other, the orange haired decoy too distracted by Oikawa’s beauty to notice the exact topic.

His roommate’s brown hair was highlighted by the moonlight that filtered through the open window, the soft summer breeze playing with it like a lovers’ fingers mussing it up. Hinata was jealous of the wind, being able to touch and caress the setter as much as it pleased.

“Sho-chan, are you listening to me?” Oikawa whined as he turned his warm brown eyes onto the younger male.

“Yeah” Hinata shook himself out of his trance. “You were saying?”

“Oh! Right! Anyway, Iwa-chan was all ‘you need to stop going out with one girl after another, Trashykawa’ and-” As the brunette picked up where he left off, Hinata let his mind wander again.

The orange haired decoy wondered if Oikawa’s hair was as smooth as it looked, if the brunet’s lips were as kissable as he thought they were, if his voice was as sweet during pleasure as it was when he nattered on about aliens and constellations and the newest thing he wanted to try or newest place he wanted to visit and experience.

With the last thought came a scratchy feeling in Hinata’s throat. Just a small itch and tickle.

That was how it started. Just a small itch and tickle. A slight urge to cough that was easily repressed in the beginning.

It was when he had lived with Oikawa for a year and was going into his second year at University that it progressed to anything more than a slight tickle in his throat and suppressible cough. It had been six months since that tickle in his throat first appeared.

The progression began with just a small number of petals on his pillow when he awoke one morning after he had had trouble sleeping in the night due to a mild cough, one he’d thought he had caught from a teammate. It was spring and his window was open, he had reasoned. That was why there were pale pink petals on his pillow.

When he had been daydreaming about Oikawa during his nightly shower after practice later that same day and coughed up a few more petals, Hinata knew. A few friends had suffered from it since it first appeared during his high school years.

Hanahaki Disease. There were only three ways for it to end:

1. The love is returned before things became too dangerous and the petals would disappear.
2. The sufferer of Hanahaki Disease had surgery to remove the flowers and blossoms. The downside to the surgery was that with the removal of the flowers came the removal of the patient’s feelings for the one they loved.
3. The last was the most heartbreaking of all, quite literally for the sufferer. In some circles, Hanahaki was called the disease of heartbreak, because if something wasn’t done by the time the sufferer was coughing out whole flowers and bits of stem and thorns, they would die. It meant the one they loved didn’t love them back and, essentially, the Hanahaki sufferer had died from their unrequited love.

Hinata didn’t want to die, didn’t want to get sicker and sicker until he couldn’t play volleyball or even leave the house. At the same time, the orange haired decoy didn’t want to forget the love he had for his older roommate. As painful as that one-sided love was, it was love. He loved Oikawa with his whole body and soul, he had realized, and he didn’t want to forget a feeling that warm and wonderful by going through with the surgery.

He knew that Oikawa couldn’t love him back, though. He wasn’t special, after all. Just a good jumper that was good at playing decoy for the school's team. Volleyball was the only skill he had.

Besides, Hinata knew that Iwaizumi had already gotten to the middle stages of Hanahaki disease thanks to falling in love with Oikawa. The spiker ranted to Hinata (as the other person to now know Oikawa best) about it often enough.

If the setter couldn’t return the feelings of the man closest to him, what chance did Hinata have?

He managed to hide it from Oikawa, amazingly enough, for another half a year from the day the petals first appeared.

As the disease got worse and worse, however, the setter noticed Hinata running off to his room at seemingly random points in the day and night. Ever the curious person, he went into the younger man’s room to investigate one day while Hinata was in class.

He hadn’t been in Hinata’s room without permission in months. The orangette had become extremely defensive about his room, for some reason.

When Oikawa saw the second waste basket filled with blood-tinged flower petals, he realized why. Hinata had Hanahaki disease.

The brunet wasn’t sure how to feel. He had grown closer to his roommate over the year and a half they’d been roommates, but to know Hinata would willingly let himself suffer what was supposed to be a slow-killing disease all for his love for a person…he didn’t like it.

As he turned to leave, something caught his eye.

It was a small notebook meant for class notes, tucked between two manga on Hinata’s small bookshelf. It was a strange place to put notes from a class and the setter’s ever-present curiosity got the better of him.

He slipped it out from between the manga and opened it to the first page.

It was filled with Hinata’s messy scrawl, writing down his inner most thoughts. It was a diary of sorts, Oikawa realized.

Dear Journal,

It’s been a week since I realized I have Hanahaki. Kenma suggested I write down all my feelings and thoughts just in case I change my mind about getting the surgery once the disease gets more painful in the later stages. He said it was something he wished he did when he fell in love with Kuroo and got the disease himself.

Hanahaki…it’s not something I thought I’d get. I’m usually too much of a volleyball nut to notice people in a romantic way but…I guess it’s different when you see the person so often. Kageyama says I’m being stupid, and I should just tell the guy that I love him, but it’s not that easy. The guy I love already has someone else in love with him, who’s been suffering from Hanahaki for longer than me. Iwaizumi-senpai said that if the guy doesn’t notice by six months from now, when the disease will be most painful, that he’ll go through with the surgery and accept the removal of his feelings for him. Because Iwaizumi-senpai thinks it’s better to live and continue as they have for so long, rather than die and only after his death have the one he loves realize his feelings for him and feel guilty after. He would rather the guy never know, than find out and feel guilty.

I guess I can see where he’s coming from. I don’t know if I could handle it, though. This love I feel is so warm and pure. I’ve never felt so wonderfully about something other than volleyball. Even if that means I end up dying…at least I’d die loving him. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want my feelings for him to disappear. If only he weren’t so blind and could see what he does to us. Seeing him with girl after girl hurts far more than this disease ever could or will.

I’ll write again,

Shouyou

Oikawa was shocked.

His childhood friend and his roommate were in love with the same person? They both had Hanahaki?

He had noticed Iwaizumi looking ill, and the spiker had taken two weeks off practice just last month. Could he have gone through with the surgery?

The brunet skipped through months worth of entries until he found one from the month previous, from the day Iwaizumi announced he’d be taking two weeks of medical leave from practice and the coaches never questioned it.

Dear Journal,

Iwaizumi-senpai has told the coaches he’ll be getting the surgery tomorrow. He begged them not to tell the team why he needed to go to hospital, especially since he doesn’t want Oikawa-senpai to worry. Of course, Oikawa-senpai didn’t even notice any tensions. He just asked Iwaizumi-senpai to hit another spike, even though the rest of us could see that Iwaizumi-senpai could barely breathe and wasn’t in any shape to practice.

But seeing as Iwaizumi-senpai is a love-sick idiot right now…he agreed anyway. Of course, I’m not much better. Iwaizumi-senpai and my doctor say my Hanahaki is progressing faster than any they’d seen before. Even for Iwaizumi-senpai, it took nearly two years to get to where I am right now, coughing up half-flowers and broken stems. By the time this progresses to full-flowers and stems with thorns and leaves attached…it’ll be too late for me. My doctor said that at the rate it’s going, I have maybe three months to live. If I don’t push myself with over-extended contact with the one I love anyway.

How can I do that when I live with him, though? I’ve resorted to hiding in my room as much as possible, going out with friends more than before and avoiding him as often as I can without it being suspicious.

I think he knows something is wrong, though. He’s been paying more attention to me lately, asking if I’m okay and if I need anything because I look peaky. He doesn’t realize his worry just makes this worse, because I wish it was worry for the one he loves, not simple concern for his roommate.

Is it even possible for Oikawa Tooru to fall in love? He dates girl after girl, staying with her for only a week or two before he moves onto the next one. I wonder what would happen if he ever fell in love. Would it be unrequited like mine and Iwaizumi-senpai’s? Or would the man or woman throw themselves at his feet due to how beautiful he is, even if their feelings are only shallow at the beginning? My roommate may seem shallow himself as well…but I know he’s far from it.

His love of aliens, his love of astrology and the stars and the way he chatters about things that interest him…once a person can see beyond his outward appearance, they’ll see how amazing he really is. He’s not a beautiful and shallow person like everyone says. He’s beautiful, kind in his own way, a total secret dork and I love him for it.

The flowers I cough up each day…I wouldn’t give them up for the world. They’re a symbol of my love for Oikawa-senpai and even if that means I end up dying…at least I’ll die in love. I’ve accepted that I’ll die. There’s no way Oikawa-senpai could ever return my feelings, after all. Other than volleyball, I’m nothing special. I’m not handsome or smart, I can’t cook, and I suck at keeping things organized and clean. I don’t have the courage to tell him my feelings…

Speaking of dying, I haven’t told my parents and little sister about having Hanahaki yet. Natsu will be heartbroken…I hope Iwaizumi-senpai keeps the letters I left with him safe until I do die. I’ve written letters to all my friends and my family and asked Iwaizumi-senpai to hand them out at my funeral. I hope…I hope my letter to Oikawa-senpai clears up a few things and lessens any guilt he may feel. It’s my choice to do this, he has no blame for something that isn’t his fault.

My mom has always said that you never choose who you love, just as you can’t choose who loves you. I don’t blame him for not noticing my feelings. He might not even be bisexual or gay. He’s only dated girls for as long as I’ve known him. I know I’m gay, I only like guys, and I’ve been told I’m completely oblivious to the feelings of the girls around me. Even the ones that supposedly have crushes on me. Maybe it’s something similar for senpai. I can only hope it is, and that he’s not ignoring my feelings out of spite.

I wish I could tell him just once that I love him. I wish I could tell him just once that when he stands in the kitchen bathed in nothing but moonlight, it’s the most breathtaking sight I’ve ever seen because he looks like he should be up amongst the stars. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me, dorkiness and all.

But I’m too much of a coward. If he rejects me outright, I just know my three months to live will be cut short and I’d rather spend my last moments savoring what relationship we have, than ruining it all and dying within the week.

At least here, I can put down my thoughts and say “I love you” to him. At least here, there’s someone that understands. Once Iwaizumi-senpai gets the surgery, he won’t understand anymore. He won’t remember the feeling of being in love with Oikawa-senpai and he won’t remember how it felt to go months without his feelings returned. Iwaizumi-senpai told me he wouldn’t mind if Oikawa-senpai and I got together. I wish for it every day, but I don’t believe it will ever happen. I just have to make the most of the time I have left.

I’ll write again,

Shouyou

There were tears on this page, as well as a few semi-dried flower petals that had gotten stuck between the pages.

Oikawa could feel tears of his own forming as he slipped the notebook back into place and left Hinata’s room to go into his own. He closed his door behind him and locked it to make sure he wouldn’t be disturbed.

He’d had no idea Iwaizumi had loved him. The spiker hadn’t changed his behavior around Oikawa in any way except for how sick he looked as they got older and the occasional disappearing act that Oikawa could now guess was to throw up petals until he’d disappeared from practice for two weeks and returned healthier than he had been in years. Healthier…because he’d had the flowers (and his feelings for Oikawa) removed.

Hinata, on the other hand, still loved him. Unlike Iwaizumi, Hinata had never tried to change Oikawa. Had never tried to make him into someone he wasn’t. Despite how much it hurt him, he let the setter flirt with who he wanted. Act how he pleased. Hinata loved him and his flaws. The decoy had written in that journal of his about how he loved the way Oikawa chattered about things he was passionate about (Including aliens!) and had listed all sorts of reasons why he loved the brunet.

Oikawa wasn’t sure how he should feel and took some time to examine his innermost feelings. Someone’s life was on the line, after all.

A part of him felt like he was happy how things were. With Hinata just being his friend. But another part, a slightly larger part, thought differently. This other part of Oikawa wanted to shout from the rooftops in joy. Shout out happily about how much he adored the small orange haired volleyball nut.

Was he gay? But…he’d only ever been attracted to girls, before.

Maybe it was just Hinata? He was that sort of person. The type you could easily fall for, despite gender preferences. Or maybe, Oikawa mused as his mind began to wander to naughty places, it wasn’t that it was just Hinata…it was that he was very picky with male partners and Hinata happened to fit the bill perfectly.

He thought it was the latter.

Oikawa still had no definitive answer by the time Hinata came home later that day, nor did he have one over the next few days.

He did notice his roommate disappearing less and less often as the days passed, though. Sneaky glances into the orange haired male’s room while he was in class revealed lessening amounts of petals and broken stems in the waste basket.

You couldn’t be miraculously cured when you had Hanahaki, could you?

Oikawa ended up using Google to find an answer and find an answer he did.

When a person with Hanahaki had their feelings returned, even if there was no confession, the disease would begin to slow down. If there was no action taken within a month, though, it would go back to getting worse and worse.

The realization hit Oikawa like a freight train. He’d fallen in love with Hinata. He probably had months ago while he was worrying over his roommates progressively worsening health. But due to his inability to realize his own emotions, he had hurt Hinata more.

It was with single-minded determination that the second Hinata arrived home that evening, Oikawa spirited him back out of their dorm and to the nearest café. He didn’t stop despite any of the youngers protests about having just come from the school gym, instead pulling Hinata down the street by the hand in his resolve to get to the café as soon as possible.

The orange haired decoy was left reeling in a seat as his companion ordered for them at the counter. He soon returned with a coffee for himself and a mocha for the younger male, a large slice of Japanese cheesecake on a plate balanced carefully atop one of the two mugs he held.

“…Why are we at a café, Oikawa-senpai?” Hinata asked eventually.

The brunet hummed and used one of the two forks to cut off a small bite of cheesecake. He waved it slightly as he spoke, “You see, Sho-chan, I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”

“Don’t hurt yourself” Came the orange haired male’s immediate response. Oikawa pouted; his roommate really had been spending too much time with Iwa-chan lately.

“As I was saying” The brunet continued after finally eating the bit of cheesecake on his fork. “I’ve come to a realization.”

“One that’s led us to a café when I’ve literally just gotten back from the gym?”

“I love you, Sho-chan” Oikawa said fearlessly. “If you’ll have me, I’d like to be your boyfriend.”

Hinata blinked at his upperclassman, too stunned for several long seconds to form any words. Then, the beginning of tears shining in his eyes, he warbled, “Really? You’re not saying this on a dare or anything?”

The brunet smiled softly, “It’s no dare, Sho-chan. Even I wouldn’t be that shallow.”

“You’re not shallow” The orange haired young man mumbled, hiding his newly blushing cheeks behind his large mug.

“Then, you’ll have me?” Oikawa perked up and Hinata could only smile in return as he set down his mug and took the elders larger hand in his own smaller one.

“Only if you promise to be mine and only mine. You can flirt all you want, but no going on dates with anyone but me.”

“Done!”

The instantaneous reply was enough for Hinata. He knew Oikawa well enough to know that he would stand by his promise. The tight feeling that had been constricting his chest and throat for months had already slowly begun to abate over the last few weeks, he was sure it was because of the elder returning his feelings even if he hadn’t spoken of them.

Being with Oikawa, for however long he had with the setter, was more than enough for him.