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You didn’t particularly enjoy weddings, not only because they were far too grand for your liking, but because in Liyue, weddings were a transaction at most rather than a showcase of love. You weren’t a hopeless romantic, dreaming and desiring a love so strong that it could change people's perceptions of what weddings were supposed to be; it was because you had been raised in Liyue harbor as the eldest of a family of merchants did you know what weddings attested for in your city. Any hope you had for love and companionship died after your first lover ran away with an alluring person from Inazuma, but you held no malice or ill-will towards those who were quick to act because of infatuation. This was the very basis and foundation as to why people still chased after weddings, despite the commotion and cost involved in such an occasion. Weddings are and will always be a showcase of fortune and splendor, rather than what you secretly wanted it to be. And when your best friend was marrying her love, you were partly thrilled and partly aching.
“Oh, come on!” She said to you one evening, “You should be glad this is happening at all! And be glad I’m not running away because I was sure I’d have to.”
You almost rolled your eyes at her blatant statement. Were you supposed to be glad that she chose to stay behind and lead a life in Liyue? She spoke as if she did this for you, but you knew better. Her soon-to-be husband worked in the funeral parlor, the family was wealthy enough to afford a loud wedding, and with her family being a tad-bit self-sufficient, there was no reason for the two to run away at all. The privilege that came with a wedding that needn’t be hidden from the view of their families was long lost, and you were left to wonder if there were any other transactions here that would come up as time passes.
“Zhang Wei,” You asserted, “I’m happy for you.”
You said it because what else were you supposed to feel? Your secret romantic heart ached for something as if it had been missing all your life. With every Lantern Rite, you wished and prayed in secret, not for a companion, not for any sort of semblance of a happier life where you’d feel less lonely and more belonged, but you’d pray for strength and satisfaction; something you knew almost everyone in Liyue would pray for. You had never truly been selfish with your desires, and even though a part of you begged to go ahead and let loose, being the eldest child of a family of merchants, merchants who were close to losing their business due to a nonchalant trader, you were forced to make sacrifices. Wishes were soon prayers for the family, family dinners were family meetings regarding the budget; every penny earned would require two pennies spent, and you’d learned that some sacrifices would simply never end.
Oh, but you weren’t poor. You were proud of how your family had never, despite every hardship, attempted to take the low route out of trouble. Your mother assisted in maintaining the ledgers, you were proud of how good she was with numbers and just learning what the next steps were in getting things moved or maintained or stored. Your father managed the harder tasks—communication with traders, helping out with household chores, and also Lantern Rite duties when called for. Your sibling helped at the Wanmin Restaurant, bringing in leftovers whenever possible and making sure everyone at home had something to eat before going to bed. Life was tumultuous and tasking, but never too much for either of you to stray your path. While you were thrilled and satisfied helping your family with the merchant work, you could tell that you were destined somehow to do more—you were smarter than you gave yourself credit for, and it was something your sibling had noticed, but never spoke about aloud.
“Anyway, (y/n),” Zhang Wei hummed, “Do you have a proper outfit for my wedding? It’s in three weeks, you know.”
“Of course I do,” You asserted with a smile, “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?”
Zhang Wei smiled and you felt relieved; you weren’t happy lying to her, but you surely couldn’t afford a brand new outfit right now. Not one you’d wear for a wedding, at least. And while you knew it wasn’t necessary for you to get a new one, a part of you felt bad in lying to your best friend on a day that would mean the world to her.
This is when your mind played the part of taking your side and being a bit kind to you; your mind narrated the facts on how weddings were like for the people of Liyue, and what kind of nonsensical status-obsession that folk usually had during joyous events such as these. Not to mention, Zhang Wei’s fiancé worked at the funeral parlor, and while you knew that it wasn’t the most glamorous profession, you knew he earned enough to at least be able to flaunt during his own wedding. On your walk back home, you felt your lower lip quivering at absolutely nothing. You were tired, and you’d skipped lunch because Zhang Wei had asked to see you, and after having turned her down two times in the past, you couldn’t allow yourself to say no now. You were hoping your mother would have made something, or if your sibling had returned from the restaurant they worked at—it was easier since you knew how to cook, but since the Lantern Rite was in a few days, you were beginning to take it easy.
It’s alright, you tell yourself as you walked home. You had promised your father you’d help out with household chores, as he’d gone with your mother on a business-related errand. You tapped your own forehead as a sign that you’d give yourself some much-needed self-care afterward, but for now, you were to suck it up and finish the day as strong as possible. In all this self-thought, which was quite admirable, you’d failed to notice how you’d run into someone, falling on your behind and knowing full well that the person in front of you and also fallen down. You immediately stood up before walking over to the older person, worry seeping out of your system.
“I’m so sorry,” You said, earnestly, “I should have been more careful—“
“You should have!” The older male screamed at you, knocking you back a bit as they slapped your hand away, “Stupid little fool! It’s broad daylight and you knock into an elderly person! You must be some sort of sadist to enjoy something like this.”
“I assure you,” You attempted to help the man again, but he refused and lay on the ground, glaring at you, “I meant none of this. It was an accident.”
“So you say! I know the likes of you,” He grimaced, pointing a finger at your face, earning the attention of those around you, “You enjoy holding power over the elders, don’t you? You think we’re so frail and helpless that you enjoy putting us in such positions because—“
“That’s not true at all.”
“You won’t even let me finish! I’ll call the—“
“(y/n)?”
You swore you had heard this person’s voice before, but it was only until you turned and looked at him did you realize who it was. Your eyes widened at Meng, Zhang Wei’s fiancé, walking toward you. There was someone beside him, someone you didn’t recognize but couldn’t for the life of you turn your gaze away from. However, the situation you were in beckoned louder than a handsome face, and you turned back to the older male.
“Sir, I’m truly very sorry—“
“I demand compensation!” He said, screeching, but still on the ground.
You knew he was throwing a tantrum, and feeding into his demands would only make it worse. You had half the mind to turn around and leave, but now that it had caught the attention of Meng and the others around you, you were forced to play this out.
“Why’s he on the ground?” Meng asked you and you shrugged.
“I knocked into him by accident, but he won’t take my help or let me apologize. He demands compensation because he assumes I’m someone who enjoys overpowering the elderly.”
Meng almost laughed, but he understood that the situation wasn’t humorous in the slightest. He turned to his companion, before nodding once, and then turned to the old man on the ground.
“What can we do for you?”
“This person,” The old man pointed to you, “They knocked me over with no remorse! I demand—“
“Is there proof for such a bold accusation?” Meng’s handsome companion proved he had an even more attractive voice by asking that question.
You turned to this man; eyes resembling honey-comb, the red eyeliner didn’t go amiss. He had a face that you swore you had dreamt about many times before. You wondered if people felt themselves watching him even before they knew that there was anything different about him. His eyes made a person think that he heard things that no one else had ever heard, that he knew things no one had ever guessed before. He did not seem quite human.
The old man stared at this person before hesitating, you approached him, not wanting to escalate this matter any further than it already had. Reaching forward, you gestured kindly at Meng’s companion, before offering him a helpless smile.
“Let’s try not to provoke him any further than he already is,” You suggest, “I’m sure he’s having a bad day.”
“You attempt to understand him with no basis,” The man told you, “If he seeks compensation from you for an accusation that has no grounds, then circumstance demands that the truth be sought, isn’t that correct?”
You stared at this handsome man before trying to comprehend correctly what he had said. You opened your mouth to say something, but you thought of the old man on the ground before immediately scurrying over. You knelt down before letting out a giggle.
“Are you hungry? Because I sure am,” The old man glared at you, “As compensation, how about I buy you something to eat?”
“I don’t eat anything but Grilled Tiger Fish—“
“Wanmin’s has great Grilled Tiger Fish! My sibling works there. Come on, I’ll treat you.”
You helped the old man up to a standing position, all the while ignoring him as he complained about one thing after another. You nodded at Meng in an appreciating manner and then turned to his companion with an apologetic look. You wanted to offer him an explanation as to why reason or rhyme would not have worked here; human beings rarely functioned on logic, and even though he had a point, you knew it was best to seek an emotional way out. On reaching Wanmin’s, you spotted your sibling there before running over and informing them of the situation.
“Why do you do this to yourself, (y/n)?” They hissed, “You haven’t eaten! And you offer food for the old man? See, if he’s being cranky, you should have just let him be.”
“He reminded me of Ma when she’s hungry,” You offered, helplessly, “Come on, what if he’s having a bad day?”
“What if he’s the one taking advantage of your kindness? Seriously, (y/n). Something is wrong with you if you can’t feel anger at all no matter what happens to you.”
It wasn’t as if you couldn’t feel anger. You felt a lot of things, all too deeply—but things that you had no choice but to bottle up inside. Your parents were getting older, your sibling was hot-headed, and all of the factors that maintain your life didn’t allow you to be open and emotional. You couldn’t afford anger just as you couldn’t afford lunch on busy days. You couldn’t afford to break down or treat yourself, but at the same time, regardless of every single minor detail, you were to keep yourself as healthy as you possibly could, without making any of this a challenge.
Once the old man had eaten his fill of Grilled Tiger Fish, you paid his share without saying a word. You wouldn’t know right then that your sibling would secretly return that money to the family funds because Mao wouldn’t dare let you or any of your family pay for the food. You watched as the old man begrudgingly walked away, a sigh escaping your lips as you felt your stomach drop. What waited for you were more chores, even if a part of you just wanted to go lie down for a while.
“(y/n)!”
You knew it was Meng, and you felt a bout of nervousness hit your features when you spotted the attractive male beside him. You bowed lightly before offering them both an apologetic smile, before noticing Meng catch up to you. The man beside him kept his gaze on you, but no part of that look made you intimidated or afraid; he seemed almost curious, and that you could live with.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, Meng, thanks for asking,” You say with a smile before turning to the other male, “I’m really sorry for cutting you off like that before. I didn’t want to escalate the issue. And I knew when people get like that it’s either because they’re hungry or they’re taking out their anger on someone.”
“I see no reason why you would apologize to me, I wasn’t the one the man was screaming at.”
You laugh before nodding, before turning to Meng for an introduction. It felt rude not knowing who this person was and speaking to them, and even though you could have introduced yourself rather easily, you didn’t want to forget about Meng being there.
“Ah yes, (y/n), this is Zhongli. He works with me at the funeral parlor.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” You say, earnestly. “And while I know I don’t have any reason to say sorry to you, it felt rude to just cut you off and leave like that.”
“So you chose to sacrifice your own reason to ensure he continued on with his day.” It was a comment, and you didn’t want to put it that way, but perhaps, Zhongli was just trying to figure it out on a rather philosophical note.
“Small things like these can’t possibly be considered sacrifices, Zhongli,” You say, narrowing your eyes a bit—giving it thought as you spoke, “I’d say they were transactions, of sorts. Where, unlike a usual barter, I would be the one giving and receiving.”
“What would you be giving or receiving in a situation like this?” Zhongli was too interested.
It didn’t occur to you that Meng just stood there, wondering what in the world was going on; but despite his presence, you felt the urge to explain to Zhongli that such things mattered to you on a holistic note. And it wasn’t as if he wasn’t agreeing with you, explaining it to him thrilled you, more or less.
“I’d be giving comfort to the old man, whether he understood it or not, and I’d be receiving comfort of my own by not escalating the matter where I’d have to exert more mental energy than I’d normally have to.”
And you’re not exerting mental energy now? Meng thought, begrudgingly. Zhongli folded his arms before his chest and smiled a bit at you, causing your stomach to flip at how ridiculously good he looked while doing so. It should have been illegal to be that good-looking, but here he was, out in the open, living his life as regularly as the next person.
“While this meets the recommendation of what a transaction can be, it still doesn’t quite fit.”
“Is it because it’s immeasurable?”
Zhongli chuckled, shaking his head. It was fascinating arguing with you, he’d give you that much. But, when you laughed, it was his turn to look at you, instead. You looked exhausted, and not a moment ago, you looked like you were dreading wherever you were to go next. You were clearly hungry, your eyes were lifeless, your hair slightly disheveled—you were clearly not having the best of days, but yet, you attempted to smile trying not to indicate any of the above. If Zhongli had not been an Archon for that long, then he’d probably have taken a while to notice. It couldn’t be just because you were a nice person, right? There had to be more. Or perhaps, he wanted there to be more.
By the looks of it, you were probably going to skip lunch. He didn’t know how he knew, but he had an inkling that allowed him to take a wild guess.
“Have you eaten, (y/n)? Zhang Wei will kill me if I let you go without making you eat something.”
Your eyes widened, “Oh, there’s no need for—“
“I’m famished as well, as a matter of speaking.” Zhongli said, looking right at you.
You didn’t know why you felt your forehead tick at his callously straightforward expression. There was no way out of it now, you had to follow Meng as he took you into one of the restaurants, a finer establishment, and sitting across from Zhongli and Meng, letting out an awkward sigh.
“So, Zhongli, did you know (y/n)’s family runs a seafood business?”
You pressed your lips together. You didn’t particularly blame Meng for getting this detail about you wrong; he wasn’t dating you, so there was no need for him to remember. But, it irked you nonetheless. You cleared your throat as politely as you could before offering half a smile.
“Actually, we don’t—“
“And I’m actually engaged to their best friend, that’s how I know them.”
You didn’t have the energy to speak up and reprimand Meng for speaking over you. It wasn’t as if he was intentionally doing so. You knew he was very excited for the upcoming wedding in a few weeks, and with the Lantern Rite just a few days from now, there’s just more to celebrate. But, you didn’t know what it was—something piled up inside of you; whether it was anger, hurt, or sorrow, you couldn’t tell. Whatever it was, or whatever the combination of emotions was, they circulated into absolute nothingness that showed nowhere. Or that’s what you thought. They showed rather clearly in your eyes, but that wasn’t for you to know.
Zhongli did see this and made a mental note of it. Meng usually never spoke over people, but, the air in the room directed straight to him, palpitating everything around him with some sort of energy that Zhongli presumed was what made you quieter. Sometimes, he understood, people didn’t have their own energy to match with others’. And that was okay, he assured himself.
It wasn’t that he thought you were too nice, maybe you weren’t. Maybe, being tired led one to make choices that involved less energy, and now he had pieced it together. He couldn’t do you the injustice of assuming you were a nice person simply because you complied a few times; no, he’d give you the benefit of the doubt because he had somehow caught along and understood that you were tired, beyond belief, and that was what brought out the apparent niceness. At this thought, Zhongli smiled as if he had won a small victory.
“You don’t like seafood?” You asked him after a short while.
“Ah,” He disliked being reminded of this, “I don’t incline toward the taste. The saltiness is… jarring.”
“You can’t say that to someone who’s in the seafood business, Zhongli!” Meng said, looking worried.
You laughed at this, “No, it’s fine,” You were too irritated to correct him, but you didn’t think it was irritation at all, “If you can taste the salt off the fish we get in Liyue, I’d say you have a very keen taste, Zhongli.”
He nodded, “One of the many things Miss Xiangling has pointed out to me as well.”
“You know Xiangling?”
He nodded, “Feisty one, adventurous with food. She enjoys giving me plates of her newly designed dishes to point out if something is amiss. While I don’t condone being a taste bud, her energy is appreciated.”
You had to smile at that. After lunch, the men walked you to the outside before you bowed at them both, before attempting to make your way home. You didn’t notice, of course, but Zhongli remarked to himself at how peculiar human beings were. Eyes that change light when hungry, eyes that indicate fatigue; and while yours were particularly noteworthy, he was thankful for this aspect to have known that this little awkward lunch as you branded internally had actually helped you.
*
“What are you saying?”
You didn’t want to sound too hurt over this, but you had been looking forward to spending time with your family during the Festival.
But, when your mother informed saying that she couldn’t make it because of filing tax returns on the day, and when your sibling suggested they help out at the Festival food stands, your father was the only choice. However, when you brought it up over dinner one night before the festival, he informs you that he would be traveling to Inazuma on the day. This meant that your family wouldn’t be spending the Lantern Rite together, and while this was the fourth Rite in a row that you’d not be with family, this was one festival you prayed you’d be able to be with them.
You didn’t blame them, of course. They were working so hard, you were in fact, quite proud of them. But, the fact that you’d be alone on one of your favorite festivals hit you harder than it ever did before, and when tears ushered their way to your eyes, you struggled to blink them away. Your lip quivered, and you feared talking when you knew you were inches away from crying.
“I’m sorry, (y/n)…”
“No,” You cleared your throat, “Don’t be. It’s okay, really! I’m going to spend a lot of time catching up on sleep, anyway. And Zhang Wei’s wedding… it, uh… There’s a lot to do.”
Even though there wasn’t, you never truly found it hard to convince people you were busy. You smiled at your father, as your heart broke, and turned away before it got too much. You tapped your forehead as you always did, knowing full well that even the childhood habit that you had developed wasn’t going to truly help.
On the day of the festival, you stared at four Xiao Lanterns that you’d secretly made for the family, and wondered if lighting them up on their behalf would even work for you. Closing the door to your home, you walked out toward the harbor, where the food stall was. Your sibling was hard at work, not that you blamed them, guests poured into Liyue during this time, keeping it busy every year. A tired look adorned your features, but you weren’t going to think of anything. Picking up three glasses of baiju, you allowed yourself this one gesture. As you released the lanterns in the air, your eyes teared up as you wished, for the first time in years, for yourself.
Every year, you’d wish for your family; health, prosperity, luck, happiness. You were a part of these wishes, for sure, but it was never too personal. However, whether it was the baiju or your own burned-out state of mind, you made a different wish that year. You recalled your previous lover, who ran away with a woman from Inazuma, and your eyes burned.
Were you really someone so staunch and duty-oriented that people would have to run from you when they didn’t want to be around you anymore? You hoped not. You were just tired, and it wasn’t as if a good night’s sleep wouldn’t help. A good night’s sleep that hadn’t come to you in years.
So you were selfish that night, knowing full well no one would hear your thoughts except maybe the Geo Archon, if he were listening, or alive, for that matter. It didn’t matter if you were thinking about it.
Just give me someone I can hold hands with, you breathed internally. Someone I can cry to, someone I can… someone who won’t run away from me.
Zhongli wasn’t trying to spy your thoughts out of the crowd, but there was a distinct manner with which your wishes were formulated. Guilt coated the words as if you were in the wrong for making them. He smiled when he saw how raw the emotions were, how utterly pure the wish truly was. He wondered when it had become a crime to wish for love and be proud of it—but he was secretly glad that you were allowing yourself this, even though the credit mostly went to the baiju. He spotted you near Wanmin after releasing your lanterns, and not wanting to be a creep, he approached you. He noticed you tapping your forehead, and he squinted, wondering what that gesture meant.
“Hello, we meet again,” He had no idea why you looked so startled, “Did I scare you?”
“N-No,” You couldn’t tell him you were tipsy, “I was startled, is all. What brings you here, Zhongli? The festival’s near the harbor—“
“I’ve seen far too many Lantern Rites to be truly excited by them now. It’s a personal challenge that I must live with.”
You giggled, “You speak as if you’re over a hundred years old.”
He smiled in response to your statement, and you smiled in return. “What is that gesture?”
You blinked, “What gesture?”
Zhongli mimicked the forehead tapping and you blushed, eyes widening. He had noticed something so utterly mundane? How odd, no one had really commented on it before. You pressed your lips together before clearing your throat, feeling the alcohol come down bit by bit as time passed.
“It’s… It’s a childhood habit I developed… Whenever I tap my forehead, I’d give myself some self-care afterward. I do it when I’m stressed or… if I don’t like the predicament I’m in.”
You realized that explaining to him what the gesture meant had also indicated to him your current state of mind. You prayed Zhongli wouldn’t comment on it or ask further, and when he made no such comment, you felt relieved. You appreciated that he respected your privacy, not having a clue that he already knew why you were feeling the way you were.
“Zhongli,” You suddenly say, not sure if it was the alcohol or your own mind guiding you, “Have you eaten?”
“I have not,” He said, making an observation, “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? I don’t want to keep you during the festival.”
You chuckled, “My sibling’s working at the food stall, my father’s out to Inazuma for business, and my mother’s filing taxes. I’d be eating dinner alone if not for you.” You blushed as you spoke.
When Zhongli smiled at you, you felt your stomach melt, “I’d be honored to eat dinner with you, (y/n).”
You led him to the food stall your sibling was at, and when you saw that they barely had time to spare you a glance, you turned to Zhongli freely, without a worry. Behind him, your eyes widen a bit as you spotted a familiar face, before waving at him.
“I hope you’re having a good Lantern Rite!” You say, grinning.
“Tch,” The old man clicked his tongue, “It’s so-so now that I saw you!”
At that, the old man who had previously reprimanded you for bumping into him smiled at you before shaking his head and walking away. Zhongli noticed the exchange before turning to you with wonder.
“He didn’t seem too grumpy.”
“He was just hungry that day,” You said, giggling. “Hunger makes people say or do things that they wouldn’t normally do.”
“I figured,” Zhongli nodded, “But, there are some who don’t fall into the change that hunger induces.”
“I suppose they’re just better at masking it,” You pondered, finger at your chin, “When I’m hungry, I go irrationally quiet. And once I’ve eaten, I’m back to my regular self.”
Zhongli liked this new piece of information about yourself. He made a mental note of it, even though he knew you were the type to completely mask your hunger in front of another, hearing this from you made it feel familiar.
“So, you work at the funeral parlour?”
He nodded, “It’s a satisfying job.”
You blink at him before wondering what he meant, but not wanting to elaborate on funerals during a festival like this, you decide to change the topic. It was strange how comforting it was to talk to him despite having met him just once before. You weren’t sure if it was your inherent loneliness or because Zhongli was easy to talk to that this night was going so well.
“I should refrain from indulging tonight,” Zhongli said, “I don’t have the necessary requirements to make a transaction.”
“You mean Mora?”
“Yes, I don’t have any on me.”
You laugh, “You sure have a weird way of saying it,” You roll your eyes, “But, rest easy. My sibling works at this stall. Whatever you’re eating is entirely on the house. Don’t tell anyone though!”
He was so beautiful you had to look away. While not aware that Zhongli was watching your every move, to understand and to learn better, you were trying your utmost to look away from this dazzling man. Sitting across from him under the moonlight, with thousands of lanterns shining in the sky, Zhongli looked and felt as if he were ethereal. He may not have tried to appear any different, he may have tried to appear normal even, but there was no possible way this man could ever be normal in anyone’s eyes. Nature had been spendthrift with this man, bestowing him with bold, princely features and eyes as remarkable and glorious as the Cor Lapis itself. The cynicism in those eyes was a fascinating contrast to the touch of mild curiosity that lurked at the corners of his mouth. He looked to be about the time in a man's life when he surrendered the last vestiges of callowness and came fully to his maturity. No doubt people of all ages were instantly enthralled by him.
“You seem to be alone during a festival like this one,” Zhongli commented once dinner was served. “I understand that your family is busy, however, I’d have assumed otherwise, in all honesty.”
“Yeah,” You rubbed the back of your neck, “My family being busy doesn’t change the fact that business works even during festivals, right?” You tried to smile, “There’s really not much to enjoy during a festival like this if you’re by yourself.”
Eh? You blinked. What am I doing? Why am I telling him all of this?
“I’m alone during this festival. I’ve been alone for all festivals.”
Your eyes widened, not wanting to ask him about his circumstances. You instantly regretted complaining about being alone, wondering if you had overstepped. You shake your head before putting your hands before you defensively.
“N-No, I don’t…” You clear your throat, “I should really count my blessings. Some people really do have it worse, I shouldn’t complain so easily.”
Zhongli wondered for a moment if he had said something to make you feel so guilty. You looked uncomfortable, but right before he could ask you, you continued.
“I don’t understand why I just… say so much to you,” He blinked a couple of times before waiting for you to finish, “It must bother you a lot that I’m speaking your ear off.”
You laughed in a way that indicated that you were sorry; an apology he didn’t want to accept. His eyes softened at your form, and a calm smile sat on his lips, and the expression he wore almost took your breath away if it hadn’t already.
“You do not, I assure you. If anything,” You felt your heart jump, “I enjoy listening to the sound of your voice,”
He’s just being nice, you remind yourself before feeling a tad bit breathless. You want to smile, you want to say something nicer to even out what he had said, but Zhongli wasn’t going to let you win that night.
“It’s familiar in a way I don’t quite understand.”
How were you to fight against something like that? When a man like Zhongli is speaking to you earnestly, you’d dare not do the injustice of butting in between.
*
Liyue weddings were grand, to say the least. It wasn’t as if they were detestable, but people tended to parade around one another in ways to impress and mesmerize, not that you blamed them. Everyone wanted to be acknowledged, and what better platform than a wedding—a joyous celebration of love? You sighed when you spotted Zhang Wei turn away from you as she stood on the podium, and you smiled a bit to yourself knowing full well why. You’d told her you had a brand new outfit, something you could flaunt in a wedding, but since you wore something you’d worm for her sister’s previous birthday, she had recognized the clothes immediately—and you couldn’t even give her an excuse. While you knew she wouldn’t be overly mad at you later, and that she was being dramatic right now, you didn’t want her to frown throughout her wedding, after all. So, the best decision you could make right then was to give her some space.
You spotted Meng, who smiled and nodded at you, unaware of his wife’s anger, and it was when you turned toward the food stall did you spot someone familiar. Your stomach flipped at the sight of the man, and a smile adorned your features. You were unaware of your eyes sparkling, and as you drew nearer and nearer to Zhongli, he noticed. He offered you a smile that melted your core, and you stood beside him, hands behind your back.
“You look splendid today,” He commented, nodding at you. “As do everyone on weddings, I presume.”
You laughed, “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.”
When Zhongli smiled, letting out a soft chuckle, you wondered if he could read your mind, for a second. It was a smile that almost looked like he knew what you were thinking deep down. As if he knew you thought he looked breathtaking, even; actually, you realized, when he laughed like that, he did look more than just handsome. His dark brown hair and his eyes, so light a brown as to seem almost gold in color, were not quite as nondescript as you’d once thought. Maybe the giggling young ingenues weren't completely daft. Looking at a handsome man like Zhongli could take your breath away.
“Your friend seems displeased with you being here,” Zhongli commented, making a staunch observation, “Was there a fallout?”
You chuckled, shaking your head, “No such thing. She’s just being dramatic.”
“Dramatic?”
You took a moment, “She’s loud and brash. Wants so badly to get her way, each time.”
“If I may ask,” He narrowed his eyes a bit, “Why are you two friends?”
You shrugged, “Because that’s the way she is,” You looked at her blush at Meng trying to hold her hands, “Sure, she’s mad at me now, but in just two minutes if there’s new gossip, I’m the one her gorgeous eyes will search for.”
“Humor me on this,” Zhongli states, “Does she want to be friends with you just because you listen?”
“I’ve understood that people are different and they come with all sorts of reservations. Including myself. How can I put it against them if they’re different from what I expect?” You turn to look at Zhongli giving you a rather blasé look.
“One could say that there are certain rules to be followed and met in social interaction. Expectations rarely fit within those rules if one is aware of everything that accompanies such a situation.”
“There are,” You agree, “The rule that breaks all rules.”
Zhongli turns to you as if you’ve said something blasphemous, but you haven’t. You look so comfortable with yourself, it’s almost endearing to look at you. The more he looked at you, the loose smile that hung on your lips, your caring gaze stuck at your friend as she was being married, Zhongli understood that pretty or handsome wasn’t the right word for you at all. Beautiful, he thought, nodding internally. It was beautiful.
A moment later, you turn to look at him, misunderstanding his gaze at you as him waiting for an answer. This made you chuckle before offering him an amused smile.
“You seem so invested in this, Zhongli!”
He nods, unaware that he had been staring, “There’s still a lot in social interaction that I don’t quite understand. I’m doing my best in learning, but there are always flaws in learning through observation alone. If it were left to me, I’d have assumed your friend was dejected in you being here. Only with your explanation, it becomes clear to me that anger dissipates the longer you’ve known someone, and certain circumstances demand that the anger isn’t even… anger at all, but,” he turns to you, mesmerized, “a mere pursuit for attention.”
“Bingo,” You said, staring at the gap between his eyebrows. He was very much taller than you, but it made it all the more attractive to bask in his presence, “If it’s social interaction you want to know more about, Zhongli, what good will it do if you merely observe?”
He doesn’t have to even look at you at this point to feel your presence. Strongly aware that your hands were by your side, even though the entire area was filled with people, Zhongli’s attention was focused on you beside him. He had been a God that was aware of all things—strong scents, thoughts, whispers, and glances, but to master the art of understanding unsaid words was something he struggled with; and with nothing stopping him, he wondered if possibly understanding you would draw him closer, if at all there was a destination to go to, to understanding his current reality. Being the first one to draw out rules, conditions, transactions, he was baffled to be met with a situation where everything was unsaid, unspoken. There was no promise made, no word given, and yet—he was so sure. Unspoken rules came with their own conditions, he understood. There was nothing bound by stone or promise, but at the same time, it was stronger, mightier, and heavier than any contract made before.
He knew your mind was elsewhere; you were focused on your friend getting married. It was her special day, after all. And you supported her, in your own way. But, Zhongli couldn’t erase your presence from his consciousness. He was aware that you weren’t as involved in this moment as he was, and strangely, he enjoyed this lone observation. He could stare at you all day and you’d not realize because you were looking elsewhere. He worried about your peripheral vision, but it was a good occasion. Still, you really did seem to be absurdly into this wedding. It was almost existentially unsettling, that two people in such close physical proximity could be experiencing the same moment so differently. But, he made no complaint.
*
When your father arrives home, you normally would be thrilled; you’d make a quick yet delicious dinner, gather the entire family around, and mingle for that one night would be normal. However, when he returned injured, broken his leg after trying to move a box too heavy for him, you were filled to the brim with unexplainable anger. Not at your father, not at yourself, but for the situation that made you immediately understand that now you had to take over some more; more than you already had. You’d have to do your father’s part, manage your own part, and mentally stay stable enough to keep the house intact. It wasn’t as if you were already breaking bit by bit, but your anger surprised you. You were trembling when you realized that your family felt remorse, but could do nothing about it. You had to manage communication between vendors, clean and cook in the house while your mother ran ledgers, ensure every delivery was on time, and keep a headstrong mind.
The thought made you hate your own life currently, and even though you felt so selfish for thinking so, was it truly selfish to want some time for yourself? It wasn’t as if you didn’t understand your family’s circumstance, you just wanted a break—and why did it feel so wrong to wish for one?
Instead, you burrowed it as deeply as you could and continued on. You’d promised to meet with Zhongli that evening, but you knew as you ran your father’s errands that you couldn’t. You enjoyed your few moments with him on the days you could afford to meet, but it had been close to two weeks since you’d last seen him, and while you knew just missing your meetings with him wordlessly was wrong, there was nothing else you could do.
However, it was your heart that broke each time you didn’t show. One evening, pushing everything to the next day, you walked to Wanmin, noticing Zhongli sitting there, as Xiangling spoke to him animatedly. His eyes spotted you immediately, and before he could smile, you swore you saw a faint flash of worry strike his features. You grew conscious, but you believed you looked your best. Xiangling waved at you before gesturing you over, and you sat beside Zhongli, an array of apologies exiting your lips.
“You look ill,” Zhongli’s soft voice alerted you, and you looked up at him, guilty for causing him to worry, but thrilled that he had noticed, “Is everything alright?”
Perhaps, you wondered, there was an intimacy that did not need words. Your lips quivered and you immediately looked away. Suddenly losing your appetite, you wondered if you had made a mistake showing up when your mind was clouded with self-pity. It was not to your knowledge of course, that Zhongli had been a God, and the shaking of your shoulders as you tried not to cry was as obvious as the sunrise for him. Placing a calm hand there, it was enough to open several doors you had been struggling to keep closed.
“I—I’m sorry…” You cried, seeking the comfort Zhongli’s presence was giving you in abundance, “I don’t normally… I can’t be crying… I don’t—“
“You seem almost ashamed to cry,” He informed, bringing you to a stand, “While there is no reason to be.”
“You’re wrong—“
“I’m guessing here it is you, my dear, who is wrong,” He smiled, grasping your wrist before leading you away.
You reach a small, cozy-looking home. You knew immediately that Zhongli lived here, but oddly, it looked almost un-lived in. As if a ghost resided here, with every bit of furniture placed in an angle that made it seem as if you were inside a painting. The urge to cry had died with the sudden displacement, but one look at Zhongli’s gaze had you impaled inside your head.
“Why…”
“You’re aching,” He admitted, “You have been. For a while now.”
“We all do,” You admitted, looking away, “It’s not anything that I can’t handle.”
“An old friend of mine,” Zhongli began, “douses himself in alcohol because he was hurting. Carried on with a smile that drove everyone around him to bouts of anger and confusion, but that was how he was. As carefree as the wind, like a song stuck to your lips on a joyous day. I mistook that as him running away from pain, but, it wasn’t so. He felt it the most, among us all.”
“I hope your friend is alright.”
“He is not, and as you said, we all ache. But the difference here, is he has stopped running away from it. And you, my dear,” Zhongli smiled, “have not.”
“I can’t afford to not run away from it, Zhongli.”
“Is there a reason as to why?”
You couldn’t answer that. It wasn’t as if your family would reprimand you for taking a break, it’s just that you couldn’t allow yourself to give yourself one. At the end of the day, it was you who was drastically unkind to yourself. The thought of it made you want to cry all over again. Your hand reached forward and grabbed Zhongli’s front vest, before feeling your lip quiver. You shook your head, almost in disbelief at how unkind you had been to yourself, but here was Zhongli, reminding you that it was alright. Leaning forward, you placed your forehead on his chest and cried—none of us, you understood, are built for despair. You cried because you had realized that Zhongli’s kindness was what you were missing, and despite it helping you, you cried because you were thankful too.
“I’m so tired,” You blurt out, “I want to sleep. I want to not cook one night. I want to be… I want to be held and said I’ve been doing a great job, and that my family is looked after. I want to eat and be so full that I’m sleepy in less than minutes. I want to go home and not have any dishes to wash. I want to work in a place that makes me happy and I don’t want to be punished,” You breathe, “I don’t want to be punished for wanting these things! I can keep doing this, I know I can… But, Zhongli… I don’t want to.”
Zhongli’s fingers were caging your face. His smile was alluring and as calming as his gaze was, your expression was just as marvelous to him as his was to you. His thumb grazed your cheek and his eyes bore into yours.
“I’m quite literally melting…” You whisper.
“Wrong choice of words,” He finds himself whispering back, “But, still so fascinating.”
“Fascinating?” You cock an eyebrow.
Zhongli hummed, “(y/n).”
Your stomach flipped. His lips soften into a smile that cracks apart your spine. He repeats your name like the word amuses him. Entertains him. Delights him. In all your years alive, no one had said your name like that.
*
Breakdowns were such marvelous phenomena. You wondered why you hadn’t had one before, how in the world you had managed to survive so long without crying; because crying had made you feel lighter, almost as if you could now take on the world and not lose. Your smiles were freer, lighter, and your brain unclouded. You make it a point to meet Zhongli almost at least thrice a week, if not more, and on some nights, you visit your happily married friend Zhang Wei, whose anger with you had died down on the night of her wedding. You’ve arrived at a point in your life now, where everything sat where it was supposed to, and one breakdown had miraculously changed your outlook on life—your newfound happiness was all due to that one night of crying.
However, Zhang Wei seemed to have her own doubts. You spirited around like a fawn around no predator, and such happiness reminded her of her own on-and-off flirtation period with Meng. She remembered how annoying her own happiness was to you, as you had pointed out on several occasions, but here you were, dawdling around as if there was no strife in the world because you had cried once?
Give me a break, Zhang Wei rolled her eyes to the back of her skull, They’re in love and it’s so bloody obvious.
On the fifteenth night of you buying Zhang Wei’s dinner, she scoffed before alerting your attention.
“How can you be so dense?” She snapped, “This isn’t the breakdown.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re in love and it’s driving me crazy! And before you say anything, I apologize for my in-love phase before my wedding. I realize how annoying it is now!”
Your eyes widen at her sudden outburst. You look down and stare at your food before giving Zhang Wei’s words some thought. Sure, you were incredibly happy with your growing friendship with Zhongli, and he was the reason you had cried, leading you to feel better, feel like someone is taking care of you—you still momentarily at the thought. Smiling at an echo of his voice on your mind’s stage, you felt the void of all you hadn’t said and hadn’t realized. You had known this; you had known you were in love, but it was your own mind dilly-dallying in infatuated glory that you hadn’t realized sooner.
The realization had made you cautious, for rejection was something you feared more than love itself. For a man like Zhongli, you wondered if he even felt love; not that he was stone-hearted, but he wasn’t as free-spirited, and you loved his rigidness, even though he came with so many reservations. But as you rehearsed the intensity of your passion you thought that he must, when the time came, respond. The desire to tell him became increasingly painful, like a poisoned wound that must heal itself by breaking open. You now thought of the times, the recent times, when you could have told him, and had been afraid to, and had clumsily withdrawn when you could have attracted him and drawn his attention to you. You weren’t aware that Zhongli had noticed this growing hesitance, but had left it unspoken.
You aren’t aware of how he wants to address this; he was not new to love, being alive for over several millennia, but each time it occurred, Zhongli felt a tad bit more breathless than the last. With you, however, he could finally allow himself to feel it completely and without restriction—he was a regular person now, after all. As much as he wanted to take his time in courting you, Zhongli felt this immature impatience with obtaining access to the deepest recesses of your mind; something he wanted to visit and live with for himself. He was fully willing to wait, but did this impatience come from the side of being human, at last? He would never know for sure; but whatever it was, the thought of wanting you, touching your skin, your hair, gazing into your eyes—all of this was just as new to him as human life was.
He recalls your wish during the Lantern Rite. Just give me someone I can hold hands with, you breathed internally. Someone I can cry to, someone I can… someone who won’t run away from me. One night, as you were animated talking about Zhang Wei’s obsession with scattering dandelions—a tradition she had somehow come across from Mondstadt, Zhongli grasped your hands wordlessly, rubbing his thumb across the skin on the back of your hand.
Your heart shot out of your chest, your eyes widen at this sudden movement, but it was not until Zhongli softly asked, “Is this alright?” did you gasp out loud.
He did not let go but waited. You nodded, gulping, certain that you had made a fool of yourself at your awkwardness. You couldn’t help but wonder why he did it so suddenly and you really want to ask, but your heart was moving faster than your mind was.
“Are you alright? Is… Is something wrong?”
“I believe holding hands with someone is providing them comfort,” Zhongli stated, “I’d like to extend that to you.”
“I don’t mind that,” You said shyly, “But, what brought this along?”
“A change in pace.” He smiled, capturing your heart once more.
The sunset in Liyue was breathtaking when you stood by the harbor. The first stab of love, you realized, is like a sunset, a blaze of color--oranges, pearly pinks, vibrant purples… You turn to Zhongli before fighting the urge to smile like an absolute moron, not that he would have minded. When you realized your hands were intertwined, you prayed to the Geo Archon (if he were alive) that he doesn’t let go. You would never know that he had heard you.
Zhongli brings you to his home, and you debated internally whether he had forgotten to bring Mora once more and that was why you were at his home instead of somewhere else (you had enough, regardless). There was an overwhelming urge to compliment him, but not wanting to be explicit, you searched for ways to tell him nice things without making it too obvious. The words that exited your mouth though were,
“Your eyeliner,” You wanted to slap yourself, “Is so beautiful.”
“Is that so?”
“It’s like the work of a God, Zhongli.”
He chuckles as if it were true. You place your chin on your hand, resting by your elbow on the table sitting across him. Zhongli blinks at you, waiting for you to say something because you were clearly going to.
“You… You’re so beautiful for a human, it’s frustrating.”
“(y/n)—“
“I’m sorry,” Your eyes widen, “That was so…”
Embarrassing!
You wanted to look away, but if you dared try to look away from someone like Zhongli when he was looking right at you as if he wanted you to keep staring at him, then you don’t look away. Even if you were going to be melted down, you don’t dare look away.
“…uncalled for.” You finish your earlier sentence.
Zhongli shook his head, pulling away internally. You would never know that he feels a bit bad that night since he didn’t get to tell you first.
*
“Did you tell him yet?” Zhang Wei grew impatient with your cat and mouse with Zhongli.
You didn’t blame her, it had been a month since that brutal incident where you had called him beautiful. Your heart ached each time you were around him, and now you had picked up on signs where you’d catch him looking at you when he thought you weren’t aware. You knew deep in your heart that there was something there, something deeper than you gave it credit for, but not being able to address it frustrated you. Should you just blurt it out? Or should you relay it in a more subtle manner? Would Zhongli enjoy something subtle?
The more you thought, the more confused you grew. However, there was one thing you didn’t deny. The pace–whatever it was—was undeniably comfortable. He had asked you to come to his house that evening, but when you had miscalculated that it would pour down disastrously in the harbor, Zhongli almost grew annoyed at your soaked presence, apologizing to him profusely, as you stood in front of his house.
“I’m truly very sorry,” You say, smiling, reaching forward to the towel he was holding, “I should have waited.”
However, Zhongli doesn’t hand you the towel. You stare at him as he walks behind you, placing the towel gently in your hair, rubbing in circles, untangling knots at the edge of your hair, with his fingers, and using his other hand to wipe the droplets of water off your head. You stare at the space in front of you with utter awe, your heart pummelling to the ground. The action by itself is innocent, but there was something in the way he did it so wordlessly that had you breathing heavier, your stomach twisting and turning as if you were falling from a great height. Who were you kidding? You were falling. You had been, ever since you met this man.
You turn around after a few minutes and bravely reach forward to his face, his eyes widening at the boldness of your action, but doing nothing to stop it. You touch his cheek so softly it moves him, and while his heart pounded inside his chest, Zhongli’s gaze only moved you more. He was aware you’re about to say something, but he interrupted.
“Would you care to make a contract with me?”
You’d say yes to anything he asked at this point. But, you waited to listen. You wondered if he knew what you were about to tell him, and if that was why he interrupted you. The very thought made you vulnerable, embarrassed.
“What is it?”
“Are you willing to show me the ideals involved with understanding you better?”
“Me?” You blinked.
“Yes,” Zhongli smiled, leaning forward a bit, “You.”
“Why… Why would you want to—“
“I didn’t mean to interrupt you earlier. However, I wanted to be the first one to tell you that I ache for you, (y/n).”
“You… What?”
“Now, I'm not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty. This has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realize that beauty was just one of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn't understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love. I am in love. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn't matter to me. And it's not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I'll do anything you say.”
“You don’t have to do a thing,” You couldn’t possibly think of saying something as marvelous as he did; you did think of one thing that could come close, “Zhongli, not a thing,”
You reach forward to embrace him, holding his face toward yours, before pressing his lips to yours. He didn’t take a second to kiss you back, and he kiss was wordless. Indescribable. It's the kind of kiss that inspires stars to climb into the sky and light up the world.
Pulling away, he smiles at you, throwing you for a toss once more. He’s holding you so softly, you wonder if you would fade away if he let you go. I’m in love with him, you pray, thankful. You aren’t aware that Zhongli hears this, but you tell him anyway. You could tell him any time of the day, any number of times. But, all Zhongli wanted was to hear it once and you had given him enough.
*
“You should stay still, my love.”
“It tickles.”
“Strange,” Zhongli hums, “It isn’t supposed to.”
“You have soft fingers.”
His fingers carved the red liner over your right eye, as you shut them. He took a moment to admire your face with your eyes closed, a smile ghosting over his features as he fought the urge to kiss you—instead, he reached forward and kissing your forehead instead. You blushed before looking up at him holding you as if you’d break, before smiling in return.
“If you’re done staring, I need to make dinner. Since one of us doesn’t like seafood.”
“I’m never truly quite done staring.” Zhongli mocked.
“Zhongli,” You groaned, face reddening. “You’re such a…”
Brilliant, disastrously beautiful, achingly perfect, extraordinary—
He could feel what you were thinking and when bashful, Zhongli preferred to show you acts of affection. His hands wound around your waist, bringing you to his chest. He kissed the side of your head before standing there. A moment later, a strange thought occurred.
“(y/n),” He uttered, “What do you think of Rex Lapis?”
“Hm,” You thought, “I pray to them almost every day.”
“Do you think they’re alive?”
“I… I hope so,” You admit, “If they have passed, I hope they rest in peace. But, if they haven’t, then I hope they’re happy. Even if they… Well, I’ve felt less alone on nights I prayed to them. I wouldn’t want them to be in a cold place.”
Zhongli smiles. “You should know that you are very warm, (y/n).”
You giggle, unaware of the thoughts racing in his mind. “I’m glad you think so, my love.”