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Eijirou knew it was dumb. Standing on the balcony, looking down at the ground below. He usually tried to pretend like he was looking for something. Or maybe that his head was too tired from looking at the stars. But, he was tired of pretending at this point. He just wanted to know what would happen.
His therapist would disapprove of how often Eijirou wondered about the consequences of just jumping from the 4th floor. It wasn’t easy to explain that it wasn’t always the need to disappear, sometimes it was just the curiosity of what he would do. Would his body sense himself in danger and harden his body before he could hit the ground? Would that even save him in the first place? Sometimes it was wondering if anyone would notice, save him. He hated calling it that- he was a hero, he didn’t need to be saved. But, the crushing loneliness of being in his room alone so frequently sometimes made him question it.
Everyone was busy studying, trying to figure out everything they’d learned in class to a point where maybe they wouldn’t fail. Eijirou had tried studying, working out, listening to music- everything. The feeling wasn’t going away- he couldn’t just float away from it all. He’d never bother or interrupt his friends, but Eijirou wished he could trust one of them enough to let them in.
Mina didn’t really count anymore. She was automatically brought in because she knew too much about him from middle school. Mina would always have his trust in a way, but, he was tired of bothering her. She always spent her time with Sero now, and he was in the way if he tried to demand anything from her. Eijirou heard the way she laughed when he wasn’t around, when Sero would show her some dumb meme. He’d never felt so obsolete than sitting in the common area and just watching them connect- pretending like he wasn’t in the way.
So, here he was. Breathing in the night air, and trying to convince himself that he didn’t need to jump. Thinking was already so much effort on him- if he jumped and ruined everything for everyone else, he’d hate himself more. Part of his brain remembered hearing people joke online about their high schools passing everyone if a person in their class passed away. It wouldn’t even be taking one for the team, it’d be making up for everything.
“No.” Eijirou knew he didn’t need to say anything out loud, there was no one else to talk to. But, those thoughts were loud, and he needed the effort.
He glanced to his left, wondering how Bakugou would react if he just… disappeared. Would he be better off without Eijirou? He always insulted him, calling him annoying- Eijirou knew he didn’t really mean it when he went along with them anyways. But, Bakugou would probably be better off with someone who didn’t break and crack so often. Eijirou could be weak and annoying: never taking a hint, pushing his energy and thoughts on everyone, showing up everywhere and insisting everyone like him or he’d be hurt.
Ok, that last one was more just him assuming that everyone pitied him, but, with how much he’s been behind everyone else from the start, his usefulness is practically only emotional. He’d listen to anyone, be there for anyone and be unafraid to cry for them. Empathy was Eijirou’s only strength, his only use for the people around him. And now, he’s too weak to be around people for too long without his doubt circling in.
No one would miss him, there was always someone better than him. Yaoyarozu and Midoriya were great emotional supports for their class, Mina was an amazing hero who could help anyone. Hell, Tetsutetsu was practically a flashier version of Eijirou as it was. If they really needed anything, they could rely on him. There was nothing technically holding him back. Eijirou’s body already moved to sitting on the edge of the railing, shifting as the wind blew by. How was he to know if any of his ‘friends’ would feel pain more than just relief at his absence? No one they had to take care of, pity, baby until maybe he’d smile enough to seem ok.
Rocks don’t float, they say. Uraraka was the only one who could float them that he knew of. All he could do was sink or swim, right? If he fell, wouldn’t it be up to fate what happened next? Would he want to live more than he wanted-
“Shitty hair?” Eijirou’s heart stopped that instant. He didn’t hear the sound of a door sliding open, he didn’t know that Bakugou would- Eijirou whipped around to see the red eyed blonde staring at him.
He couldn’t tell what was more in Bakugou’s face at first- irritation, confusion or concern, but Eijirou saw it morph to pure fear. Eijirou wasn’t sure why until he realized that his body had slipped off the railing in his haste. His whole body twisted, arms reaching to catch the railing again, but it was too slow. He felt himself falling through the air, grasping at nothing as he looked up to find Bakugou, an angel- anything. He didn’t want this to happen- not like this.
It was all too quick- he didn’t know what to do, what he wanted. The adrenaline flushed his brain and he knew that he should harden, do something to stop the fall or impact. But, he was still there, dazing into the eyes of someone he never wanted to see him like this.
Eijirou closed his eyes, trying to not focus on the disappointment that Bakugou had seen him fall like this and waiting for the ground to swallow him up.
The ground never came. Eijirou wasn’t sure how, but he felt warm now. Was this what death was like? He didn’t hate it. The feeling of being held in someone’s arms, the smell of burnt sugar and the heavy panting of- wait. Heavy panting? Burnt sugar?
Eijirou opened his eyes, his mind trying desperately to process what just happened. Now that he was thinking about it, he’d heard a lot of swearing and explosions in the past few seconds. Bakugou was holding him in his arms, looking down at him with the angriest concern he could have ever imagined on a person’s face.
“-uck do you think you were doing? You are such a shitty haired idiot, Kirishima, if you thought that I’d ever-” Bakugou’s voice filtered in after the ringing in his ears faded away, and reality finally caught up to him. Bakugou just watched him fall- jump?- off of his balcony. Oh no, oh no, nononononono- “- ever let you-”
Eijirou pushed himself out of his arms, trying to land his feet on the ground. He still ended up falling back, but he couldn’t focus on that now. “I- I’m sorry, Bakugou,” he said the first things that came to mind, trying to figure out how he could spin this, “I didn’t expect anyone to be outside- I just- I wanted to catch my breath.” Could he just say that he fell? Would Bakugou believe him enough for that? His heart was pounding, Eijirou doesn’t even know if he actually fell or if some part of him jumped.
Bakugou seemed less than impressed by his words. “Most idiots don’t catch their breath sitting on the edge of a 4 story fall! What in the hell made you think that was a good idea?”
He doesn’t know. He genuinely doesn’t know. He’d gotten on the railing a few times before, but he usually got to the point where he could talk himself down. He’d never fallen before- he’d never needed someone to catch him before. Eijirou can’t look him in the eyes, he’s not masked enough to get away with that. “I- I’m sorry you had to catch me, I’m sure you’re already plenty exhausted from-”
“Bullshit.” He almost would have laughed at how in line with Bakugou it is to be blunt at a moment like this. He probably would have if the words hadn’t choked in his throat. “I’ll catch you every time, bastard. Doesn’t matter how tired I am.”
Eijirou snapped his eyes to Bakugou’s face, forgetting every semblance of hiding or shame his mind tried to warn him about in his shock. Bakugou looked angry, he always had a way of scowling. But, his eyes shone with genuine concern, intense in its honesty. It’s nothing like the fear from mere minutes ago, or the disdain he normally carries in the school day. This is new, Eijirou doesn’t know what this means.
“Why?” The words escape, but Eijirou doesn’t even know what he’s fully asking. Why do you look like this, why did you catch me, why do you seem to care so much about someone so worthless? He doesn’t even know what he wants Bakugou to answer. Why can’t he just hate Eijirou, turn away, let him fall like he deserves?
Bakugou doesn’t stop intensely glaring at him. He’s on the ground, and Bakugou is so far above him- like he always is- and Eijirou wants him to just say or do something already. Bakugou just huffs, extending a hand to him. “C’mon. Let’s go inside.” Eijirou doesn’t take the hand in front of him, he wants to, he starts to- and he stops himself. All he can see is extending his hand to Bakugou at Kamino, and does he even deserve to take his hand when he just keeps bothering everyone?
His hand is then just grabbed and he’s pulled forward. He’s yanked and tugged all the way up to his own room in a daze. He doesn’t understand, the adrenaline is starting to wear off and he just doesn’t know how he’s still here. “Why?” Bakugou is sitting in the chair from his desk, tense and focused on Eijirou just sitting on the bed.
“Should be fucking asking that to you.”
“What?” He’s not here enough to understand what Bakugou would even want to know.
“Why were you sitting on the edge of your balcony, shitty hair?” Oh. What does he say, ‘I was contemplating disappearing, if anyone cared, if everyone would be better off if I just stopped bothering everyone right now?’ Or does he lie?
“Don’t bullshit me. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. But don’t bullshit me like you bullshit everyone else.” Eijiro feels like Bakugou knows too much, he can see through him too much to still be here. “As you’d say, it’s not manly to lie.”
“Oh, what do I know about being manly?” Bakugou and Eijirou are both shocked at the words that come from his mouth. The words should be angry, but they just fall short and hit ‘self-deprecating.’ The words keep slipping out, but Eijirou’s exhausted and ready for Bakugou to leave him behind. “I’m not as manly as you think I am, as everyone wants me to be. I wish I could be, but I’m not. All I am is bullshit, in case you didn’t notice.”
Bakugou pauses before carefully directing his words back. “I don’t think so.”
Eijirou now knows why Bakugou explodes, hearing the uncertainty in his voice makes his blood boil. “You wouldn’t- no one would- cuz the bullshit is so fucking good at this point. You didn’t see the same weak little Kirishima that Mina did- I got better at hiding, at using you all to look like a fucking hero. I learned how to fucking bullshit everyone so much that they actually liked me, Bakugou. That’s the most impressive thing I think I’ve done here.”
“Kirishima-”
“No, no, shut the fuck up, Bakugou. You don’t know shit about me, no one does- I made sure of that. As long as I fucking smile and laugh and help everyone, nothing else about me matters! Nothing I do fucking matters because it’s all just making up for everything I fuck up! So, you don’t get to ask me why I was sitting on the edge because I’ve been on the fucking edge for weeks now and if I jumped, it’d be nothing but fixing the bullshit that’s ruining everyone’s li-”
An explosion snaps Eijirou out of continuing through his emotional tirade. Bakugou is shaking in front of him and everything Eijirou just yelled at him catches up in his head. It’s a bucket of ice water over whatever fired up his blood. Shit, he didn’t mean to say that much to him. He just wanted to stop hearing the pity in his voice, the pity that everyone wouldn’t stop giving him. He doesn’t want pity, he just wants it all to stop.
“You jumped?” Eijirou can’t read the tone from Bakugou. It’s insistent, but he can’t tell what it is.
He can’t hesitate to give answers now, he’s already shouted at the poor guy. “... I was considering it. I don’t know how much of it was me falling out of surprise or me jumping out of fear.” Bakugou doesn’t stop trembling and bubbling as if he’s just waiting to explode again. Eijirou’s ok to take it, he deserves it at this point for how much emotional damage he’s likely caused.
“Would you have done it if I weren’t there?” Again, looking for an answer that Eijirou still doesn’t fully know.
“Maybe? I don’t know. I wasn’t planning to do it with an audience, if that’s what you’re wondering. I may be an asshole, but-”
“You’re not an asshole.” Bakugou finally looks up, looking back at Eijirou and he’s not sure whether to be shocked or guilty at the sight of tears. “You’re not an asshole, you dumbass idiot.” He made Bakugou Katsuki cry. Kirishima Eijirou. It feels impossible, but, it also makes sense that it’s another thing Eijirou would fuck up.
“Insulting me while saying I’m not an asshole really sells the message you’re going for, Bakugou.” Eijirou tries to joke, hoping he’ll get mad, he’ll do something Bakugou-like and just stop crying over someone who doesn’t deserve it. Bakugou lurches up, edging to the bed and while the crying hasn’t stopped, he holds out hope that maybe he’s going to beat him up to let it go. That hope dies as Bakugou wraps him in a hug and Eijiro’s heart stops.
“I hate you, I hate your fucking touchy ass self- words never work for us, do they, Eijirou?” Bakugou mumbles it as he buries his head further into Eijirou’s shoulder and he can’t move an inch. Bakugou just pulled him into a hug, and used his given name. He’s dead, he must be.
“You’re cared about so much, idiot. I don’t know a single person who actually hates you or thinks you’re anything other than outstanding. Hell, you put up with me and my fucking explosions- you’ve never- fuck, you don’t even-” Bakugou pauses, growling and tugging at his shirt a bit more. “You are one of the strongest heroes I know, in power and spirit. I’d kill you before I’d ever let you talk shit about yourself like this again and I’ll explode anyone who made you feel like this. I’ll never let you fall, Eijirou. Never. I want you here, with me.”
He’s dead. He’s dead. This is some dream heaven giving him everything he ever wished he deserved or some nightmare hell promising everything before taking it away. Eijirou is sure that this can’t be real, but he feels it all so vividly. The tears slightly soaking his shirt, the warmth of Bakugou fucking Katsuki in his arms and the pressure of his head against his shoulder. “Is this real? I don’t deserve this.” Eijirou mutters it to himself, but he can’t help but actually want the kind, loving embrace he’s currently wrapped in.
“You deserve this and more, Eijirou, don’t make me explode your ass to prove it.” Bakugou’s voice cracks slightly from the irregular breathing pattern that comes with crying, and Eijirou just laughs. It’s real. He’s alive and he’s being held so tightly that he knows Bakugou is desperate to hold onto him somehow.
“Oh, so you’re looking for a reason to touch my ass?”
“Fuck off, I’m killing you in your sleep tonight.”
“Oh, so you’re sleeping with me now, too?”
Eijirou hardens his skin in time for Bakugou to explode against him.