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“So Len’s birthday is coming up,” Lisa says absently, blissfully unaware of the comedy that was about to unfold because of her words, “and I was thinking of getting him a Frozen themed apron as a gag gift. Maybe one of the kitschy dish sets too, the kind that are super cheap and are clearly just capitalizing on the popularity of the movie? Like, I’m going to get him something nice, too, but if I’m going to do the ridiculously awful gag gift too then I need someone to go shopping with me so I don’t die of embarrassment.” She paused and then rolled her eyes as she sighed. “Where did I lose you?”
“You didn’t lose me,” Shawna grumbled, though she hadn’t really been paying attention. “I just… Cold’s birthday is coming up? When? Is he having a party?”
“It’s in a month and… Len doesn’t really like parties, so no. No party.” Lisa looked amused while Shawna pouted.
“Oh, but what if it was just a little party. You know, just the Rogues and… does he have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Significant other?” She leaned in, already plotting deviousness.
“Shawna, no.” Lisa shook her head. “Don’t go that route. Len does not like parties.”
“Just a little party. More of a gathering than a shindig.” When Lisa’s eyebrows went up, Shawna shrugged. “Hartley got me to watch Firefly. Mal is edible, but my goodness is Inara just a goddess among women.”
Lisa rolled her eyes. “I keep saying ‘Shawna, no’ so why does it feel like you keep hearing ‘Shawna, yes’?”
“Puh-lease??? If I have your support for the party-”
“Gathering.”
“-then your brother will have to actually show up for a little while. It’ll be fun.” Shawna batted her eyes at Lisa.
“Alright. Fine. Party. It’ll have to be a surprise party, though, because he’ll never show up even if I ask nicely if he knows what it is beforehand.”
Shawna bounced happily. “I love planning parties. So, is there a significant other I should know about in order to invite and add to the party plotting?”
“Well, he’s dating someone,” Lisa confirmed, “but he hasn’t told me yet. Says its too new and he doesn’t want me to scare the guy off. I’ve been trying to figure out who he is, but… no dice. Not yet anyway. If you really want to track him down for the party, though, I’d be happy to help.”
“This’ll be awesome.”
“This’ll be a train wreck,” Lisa corrected cheerfully.
Shawna’s first order of business is to recruit Hartley. It… does not go badly.
“For the last time,” Hartley told her, knowing full well it would not be the last time, “acoustical engineering has nothing to do with DJs.”
The smirk on Shawna’s face told him that she did, indeed, remember that fact as was just yanking his chain.
“I thought you said it was more gathering than a shindig,” he added, giving Lisa a desperate look. “Why would you need a DJ for a gathering? Just, like, stick a hundred of Cold’s favorite songs on a mp3 player, hook it up to a sound system, and set it to shuffle.”
“If you want to be boring about it, then sure,” Shawna harrumphed.
“Yes. I do. I want to be very boring about it so that Leonard Snart doesn’t murder me on his birthday.”
Lisa snorted. “He wouldn’t kill you on his birthday. Even if he didn’t have that truce with the Flash, Lenny wouldn’t want to deal with all the cleanup that comes after killing someone on his own birthday.”
“Reassuring,” Hartley drawled, rolling his eyes expressively.
“Anyway, I was also wondering if you know who Cold is dating,” Shawna said. “He should be there at the party too.”
“Ah… well…” Hartley blushed. “I do know. Because I’ve, um… heard them. And I don’t really feel like I should be divulging that particular information without Snart’s permission.”
“You have my permission,” Lisa informed him mock-solemnly.
“I meant the other Snart. Nice try, though.”
Shawna sighed and fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Not even a hint?”
“No.” Hartley shook his head. “Also the fluttery lashes thing would have worked a lot better for you if you were a dude.”
“You’re no fun,” Shawna pouted. “Do you think Mick might know who Cold’s hooking up with?” she added, turning to Lisa.
Lisa shook her head. “He’d never stay quiet about it. We’d hear about come first mealtime after he found out.”
“Let’s ask him anyway. Just to be sure.”
And, somehow, Hartley found himself being dragged along for the ride.
Mick did not know who Len was dating either. However, he was pretty interested in the party idea.
“I can make the nibbles,” Mick declared, eyes gleaming as he started putting together a food plan in his head. “Can’t have a party without nibbles. And a cake. Think Len’ll want individual candles or should I use those ridiculous number shaped candles so that he’s more likely to get his birthday wish?”
Lisa and Shawna pondered this, exchanging a glance that made them each certain they were on the same wavelength. So, at the same moment, they each answered.
“Number candles,” said Shawna.
“Individual candles,” said Lisa.
They exchanged another glance. One of Shawna’s eyebrows went up.
“Look. It’d be a lot of candles. Watching Len try to blow them all out at once would be funny,” Lisa defended.
“Unless he pulls out the cold gun,” Shawna retorted. “Then no one gets to eat Mick’s masterpiece. And I, for one, do not want to risk missing out on a piece of anything he bakes.”
Mick preened while Hartley and Lisa both nodded their agreement.
“Number candles it is,” Hartley declared.
There was a flash of lightning past the window.
“Was that…?” Mick asked gruffly, exchanging a worried look with Lisa.
“You don’t think the Flash has found our hide out, do you?” Shawna asked, heading to the window and peering out of it.
“Nah. I mean… not that he could do anything about it if he did.” Mick’s tone was less certain than his voice, though. “On account of his truce with Snart.”
Hartley shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about it. He and Snart are probably just having another round of ‘there’s good in you, Cold, I know it’ and ‘don’t get your hopes up ‘cause I’ve got ice in my veins’ or whatever. Assuming that was the Flash and not just, like, flash photography.”
Mick snickered. “I would pay you good money to do that impression of Len to his face.”
“I am so certain that I mentioned not wanting to get murdered over this party,” Hartley muttered, crossing his arms and pouting. “I know I mentioned that at some point.”
Lisa patted his shoulder, “there there, Hartley. Also I’ll double whatever Mick’s willing to pay you because I’ve got to see the look on Lenny’s face too.”
Next up on Shawna’s list is Mark Mardon. And he has the first real lead they get on the identity of Leonard Snart’s mystery boyfriend.
“Saw him having dinner a couple of times at Saints and Sinners when I was bartending. Might not’ve been a date, but they did seem awfully cozy. Tall brunet, younger than Snart, seemed kind of familiar somehow but I couldn’t seem to place him. And he never came up to the bar, so I never got to hear the guy’s voice,” Mark told them. “Bet we’ve still got video of them from the CCTV after their last date.”
Lisa is the current owner of the bar, since she’s the only one other than Hartley without a record yet, so she happily gives them all permission to spy on her brother’s date. She logs into the security cameras and pulls up the time stamp Mark supplies.
Sure enough, with a little fast forwarding, about ten minutes recording-time later there arrives Leonard Snart with a younger man on his arm.
“Oh, that cradle robber,” Lisa muttered. “And he’s been teasing me for hitting on Cisco.”
“I think that’s more because you’re super aro and Cisco’s super romantic, but I could be wrong,” Hartley muttered in a tone that conveyed he was most definitely never, ever wrong.
Lisa scowled at him for a moment before returning her attention to the recording and looping the few minutes the cute guy with Len was on screen. “He looks familiar,” she mused.
“He’s looks hot,” Shawna said, grinning. “Cold’s got himself a looker.”
“Eh, I’ve seen hotter,” Mick muttered, sounding unimpressed.
“Just because he’s not a bonfire,” Shawna began to object, until Lisa interrupted her.
“Oh! Oh, I know! He’s Cisco’s CSI friend. Uh… Barry something.” Lisa snapped her fingers. “Barry something, come on…”
“Allen,” Mark filled in. “Barry Allen. He’s Detective West’s foster son.”
“And Doc Allen’s kid,” Mick added, nodding. “So that’s what the kid looks like. Shoulda known. Guy looks like his dad. ‘Cept younger and less jaded lookin’.”
“He’s also really loud when he sneaks in at night to have sex with Snart,” Hartley confirmed. “Like, I’m all for accidentally listening in to gay sex and getting to live vicariously through their love lives, but at two AM in the morning, unless I stayed up too late binging fanfic, then all I want to do is go the fuck to sleep.”
Lisa snickered. “Maybe you should get Lenny a literal gag gift for his birthday. Tell him it’s as much for his boytoy as it is for him.”
“What part of ‘I don’t want to be murdered by your brother’ is so hard for you to understand, Lisa?” Hartley lamented.
Mick shrugged. “Blue fuzzy handcuffs’d be more up Len’s alley anyway. What?” he added when they all stared at him. “Len and I are friends that fuck sometimes, m’kay? Not sure if that’s on anymore now that he’s got his mid-life-crisis boyfriend going on. But that ain’t really the point.”
“And everyone’s just… okay with this?” Mark asked, sounding incredulous. “Snart’s dating a badge.”
Hartley snorted in amusement.
Shawna shrugged. “A hot badge.” As if Barry’s attractiveness made it all okay.
“Lenny knows what he’s doing, I’m sure,” Lisa added. “Besides, the guy is friends with Cisco so he must be used to keeping super hero and villain related secrets at work.”
“That doesn’t make it better,” Mark grumbled and shooting Mick a look, as though hoping that maybe he’d be the last bastion of sanity that Mark could depend on.
Mick was staring at the screen. “Okay, so maybe he is kinda hot.”
“Oh for fucks sake,” Mark muttered, burying his face in his arms. “Whatever, fine. I guess the badge is coming to the birthday party too?”
“Maybe we’ll get to see him make out with Cold,” Shawna mused, elbowing Hartley.
“I need a boyfriend of my own so badly,” was all Hartley replied.
Next on the list of victims… er… party attendees was Axel. Shawna ambushed him back at the Rogue’s lair/community living space and started explaining the plan. Mark had stayed at the bar for work and Hartley had disappeared instead of heading back home with Lisa, Shawna, and Mick. Thus Axel wasn’t quite aware yet who all the players in this little drama so far were.
Which is why he asked, “Hartley’ll be there too, right?”
Lisa smirked. “Yup, he will. Someone has to give a running narration in pure sarcasm, after all.”
“Good. That’s good. That’s…” Axel blushed. “Anyway. What does Cold want for his birthday? I could wrap up some of my exploding spinners for him…”
“Yes,” said Mick.
“No,” said Lisa.
“It’ll be a Frozen themed party, so why don’t you just get him the soundtrack to the movie?” Shawna offered.
“Oh! Okay, I’ll do that. The spinners sometimes go off early by accident and I’d hate to cause us to evacuate the party before we get to the cake,” Axel chirped and headed off to his bedroom.
“He does remember the no explosives outside of the lab next door rule, right?” Lisa asked, a touch nervously.
Mick shrugged. “His spinners are more smoke bomb than anything. Don’t worry about it.”
“We can sic Hartley on him later. I’m sure if Hart bats his eyes at Axel just right, the Trickster’ll trip over himself to put all the explosives back where they belong.” Shawna grinned. “Once the party is over, I’m definitely playing matchmaker there.”
Lisa nodded. “Where did Hartley get up to anyway?”
Hartley had gone to STAR Labs.
“What do you want, Rathaway?” Cisco demanded, trying to look threatening while armed with what looked like a Harry Potter wand knock off. Admittedly, it could have been the Weather Wand which could summon lightning. Outside. (Which they were not.)
Caitlin was giving Cisco a very long-suffering look. Hartley was willing to bet it was not the Weather Wand in Cisco’s hands.
“Do you two know who your speedy little friend is sleeping with?” Hartley settled into a chair and surveyed his former domain in amusement. The room looked so freaking weird now that it was essentially a shrine to all things Flash related.
“Unfortunately, yes,” Caitlin replied, taking the wand away from Cisco and swatting him in the arm with it. “Next time, Cisco,” she hissed, “grab the actual gun and not your cosplay prop sitting next to it.”
Hartley snickered. “Well, Shawna is – for various reasons and with Lisa’s blessing – investigating who Leonard Snart is dating. And they found video evidence of Len and Barry showing up at Saints and Sinners for dinner. So the rest of the Rogues still don’t know Barry is the Flash, but they now know that Barry and Len are fucking. So first, maybe remind Barry that going on dates to his boyfriend’s sister’s place of business is not the way to fly under the radar. And secondly, if you could convince them to stop screwing each other at the Rogue house all the time, that’d be great. Because I have super hearing that I can regulate, but not turn off. And having to listen to gay sex that I’m not invited to participate in at all hours of the day is really, incredibly frustrating. I barely got out of the house in time after Barry’s lightning trail flashed past a window earlier.”
Cisco cracked up. Caitlin started giggling too. Hartley just rolled his eyes at them.
“I’m serious. Just… convince Allen to move out of his foster father’s place or something. If they start splitting their time more evenly between Barry’s place of residence and Snart’s then maybe I’ll stop being woken up at two in the morning, despite my white noise generators being on their highest settings, by the sound of your friend screaming ‘Len, oh god Len, harder’ every fucking night.” Hartley smirked victoriously as both Cisco and Caitlin blushed beet red and immediately found the floor fascinating.
“We’ll, ah, we’ll talk to him,” Cisco promised.
Shawna approaches Roy next. “I need your keen artistic eye for aesthetics to help me set up the party decorations,” she told him.
“For a Frozen,” he said the name of the movie derisively, “themed birthday party. For Captain Cold.”
“Yes.” Shawna bounced excitedly.
Roy sighed in the most put-upon manner possible. “Fine.”
“Thank you Roy!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him in a hug. “This is going to be the best party I’ve ever thrown.”
“I regret this already,” Roy muttered, but he hugged Shawna back anyway.
Having successfully recruited all the rogues, Shawna turned her attention back to the newly revealed boyfriend. Barry Allen the sexy, sexy CSI.
For obvious reasons, Shawna couldn’t just walk into the police station and ask him to be a part of the surprise party for Leonard Snart. Shawna would like not to be arrested. It’d really put a crimp in her party planning.
Which is why she’s still trying to figure out how to contact Barry Allen without upsetting either the cops or Team Flash when, in the middle of the night, she walks into the kitchen to see Snart making out with someone he’s hoisted up onto the kitchen counter.
It’s not Barry Allen. It’s the Flash.
Shawna rushes back to her room, mind spinning. Because… Len wouldn’t be cheating on Barry Allen, would he? Surely not when the CSI’s ass looks like that in skinny jeans?
But if Snart is dating both of them openly, then it might explain why he wasn’t ready to tell Lisa yet. Dating both the Flash and a badge? He had to be worried about how they’d all react.
Well… Shawna buried her face in her pillow, now thirsty in multiple ways (since not only did she see how hot Cold and Flash were together, but she didn’t get the glass of water she’d gone to the kitchen for in the first place) and perhaps a bit more sympathetic to Hartley’s sexual frustration regarding Snart’s romantic liaisons.
But not so sympathetic that she didn’t eventually get up, cross the hallway to Mark’s room, and wake him up because she couldn’t sleep and was horny.
Mark… didn’t really seem to mind the three AM booty call, though. So it was all good.
(Meanwhile Hartley was considering the logistics of just covering his ceiling in white noise generators because the only difference between living here and living in an apartment full of strangers is that at least here he can bitch at the people keeping him up with their sexcapades in the morning.)
When Shawna relates her discovery that Leonard Snart is in a polyamorous relationship with both Barry Allen and the Flash in the morning, Hartley starts laughing.
Hysterically.
Axel looks very concerned. Especially since every time it looks like Hartley’s finally calmed down, he breaks out into another giggle fit.
The laughter only gets worse when Len arrives – alone – to zombie walk to the coffee maker. Hartley has to excuse himself back to his bedroom.
“What’s up with him? Nobody got a hold of the Joker’s laughing gas again?” Len asked, sipping his coffee and scowling pointedly at Axel and Roy.
“First of all, that gas was heavily diluted so it was barely stronger than normal laughing gas and definitely non-lethal,” Roy objected.
“Secondly, you can’t prove that was us,” Axel chimed in. Which, in this house, that phrase was basically the same thing as claiming credit.
“But also Axel wouldn’t do that to Hartley, specifically,” Lisa added, grinning when Axel blushed and spluttered over what that was supposed to mean.
"You've been listening to me and Barry having sex?" Snart hissed, trying to be menacing.
Since Hartley was super sleep deprived at this point, he wasn't sure that the word menace had any meaning to him anymore. "Okay, look. Look at my white noise generators," Hartley snapped, shoving his bedroom door open and gesturing to the four different specifically-white-noise-generators and the one fan he might have stolen from Roy in retaliation for Roy borrowing his Chopin cd collection without permission and then losing one of the disks.
Quite frankly, Roy got off lightly and he knew it.
"I purchased half of those after you and Barry started screwing. Your bedroom is on the other side of the house. Warehouse. Whatever!" Hartley scowled at him. "It was hot the first couple of times, but I'd like to be able to fucking sleep, Snart. I'm already an insomniac, so you making your boyfriend scream with pleasure all the damn time is making my relationship with sleep worse. I never, ever thought I could be sick of two men having sex but I am so, so, so damn tired of this and you know what? You're gonna buy me more white noise generators so that maybe I can finally smother the noise of you asking your boyfriend how he likes it when you finger him. Or I'm probably going to snap and do something I'll be too far gone to regret."
Snart was no longer trying to be menacing. He was glancing down the hallway in clear embarrassment and hoping that none of the other Rogues were looking out their doorways or otherwise present enough to overhear the conversation. "Right... I will just... get you those white noise generators, then. How many do you think you'll need? Four more?"
"We'll start with four and see how that works," Hartley said and then stepped back into his room and slammed his door in Snart's face.
There was a long silence and then Snart buried his face in his hands and muttered, "Barry's never letting me live this down."
Hartley opens his door the next morning, after a blessed night of silence, to find not four but eight brand new white noise generators stacked up to the left of his doorway.
Axel finds him standing there laughing like it's the funniest thing ever and pouts because Hartley never laughs this hard for his jokes.
Shawna has no idea yet how to get in touch with the Flash, but she finally figures out the best time to approach Barry Allen.
While he's on a coffee break at Jitters, Shawna slides into the chair across from him, clutching a Pied Piper Green Chai Latte that is delicious but makes her jealous every time she remembers that Hartley's got a drink named after him and she doesn't. She's got to talk to the manager about maybe a Peek-a-Boo themed dessert.
Barry clearly recognized who Shawna was, evidenced by his startled double-take as he looked up. Which is good, she supposed. It'll hopefully make this conversation go easier.
"Hi, Barry. I'm Shawna." She grinned impishly at him. "I work with your boyfriend."
"I, uh... hi?" he stammered out.
"So, you know Len's birthday is coming up soon, right?" Shawna beamed when Barry, cautiously, nodded. "Lisa and I are planning to throw him a surprise party. We want you to be there too. Birthdays are days for friends and family and loved ones, after all."
"Uh, sure. Do you guys need me to keep him occupied until its time for the party?"
"Yes. If you give me your number I can text you the details when it's closer to the big day."
Obligingly, Barry swapped contact details with her. He was a trusting thing, wasn't he? Almost a shame Snart got there first, though Shawna was enjoying what she had building with Mark lately. Though, there was one more thing she could ask...
"And since Len's also dating the Flash, I assume you know how to get in touch with him too, right?" Shawna asked.
Barry choked on his drink. "I-I'm sorry. What now?"
"Oh, don't be coy. I saw the Flash and Snart making out the other night at the Rogues' house. And since Captain Cold isn't one to cheat - at least, not at love anyway - we've determined that the three of you clearly have some kind of polyamorous thing going on. Figured you and the Flash were at least metamours, if not lovers too, so..."
"Right, that's... I can pass on a message," Barry finally said, tone oddly strangled and amused all at once.
"Like I said, birthdays are for friends and family and loved ones. So the Flash should be there too, even if he doesn't feel comfortable un-suiting around the rest of us."
"I... I will let him know," Barry promised.
"You're upset with me. Why?" Len crossed his arms and stared at Mick.
Mick crossed his arms and pouted back in return.
This continued for some time, but Len was better with silence than Mick was. Thus, Mick broke first.
"I just thought that if you were, ya know, having threesomes or whatever, you'd include me and not the Flash." Mick was, determinedly, not looking at Len now.
Which, given the goldfish impression Len was now doing, that was probably for the best. "I'm sorry, what now?"
"You and Barry Allen and the Flash. I mean, I know you got all obsessed with the Flash, but..." he shrugged. "Anyway, if that's what you're into now, fine. Whatever. Enjoy your mid life crisis."
"I'm having a crisis right now, but it's definitely not a mid life one," Len muttered. "Why, exactly, do you think Barry and I are having threesomes with the Flash?" He'd still adjusting to the fact that everyone knows about Barry, though Len is glad that Hartley forwarded that information even if he wishes the guy hadn't used Team Flash to do so.
"Shawna saw you making out with the speedster in our kitchen the other night. Had to scour the counters twice the morning after," Mick added the last part petulantly.
"I did not have sex with B-the Flash in the kitchen. That's just unsanitary," Len grumbled. "Look. It's not. We're not having threesomes, okay."
"You ain't cheating on Barry are ya? Haven't met him yet, but he seems like a nice one." Mick's tone had gone stern now and, god, how had this become Len's life?
"No. I'm not cheating on Barry with the Flash. Barry is well aware I have sex with the Flash sometimes. But there are definitely no threesomes." Len sighed as this information seemed to mollify Mick. "Do you want me to see if Barry'd be interested in a threesome with you?" he added, curious. Barry knew that Len and Mick had a sort of on-again, off-again friends with benefits thing going on. And he had expressed an attraction to Mick too, so... it wasn't exactly a stretch to guess that Barry might enjoy having Mick join them in bed sometimes.
Though, considering how close to being at the end of his rope Hartley was, maybe Len should make sure those threesomes always happened elsewhere. He really had not realized just how much of a toll Hartley's hearing was taking on him. Which was why he'd stolen the extra white noise generators.
"Just Barry and not the Flash?"
"Are you really that jealous of the Flash?" Len asked, amused.
"Not jealous, just..." Mick shrugged. "The guy has to have set himself on fire a few times."
"All I can do is ask." Len made sure not to specify further.
"Then yeah, sure. I'd be up for it. If Barry - or the Flash - is interested."
Len grinned and nodded and then headed out of the room. How was he supposed to explain this one to Barry?
Axel isn't really sure he's been given good advice on birthday presents for Snart, so as the actual date approaches, he decides to ask Hartley for advice. Knocking on the door, however, gains him no answer so Axel opens the door and pokes his head in to see what's making all the noise in there anyway.
Hartley lays asleep on the bed, surrounded by twelve white noise generators, an oscillating table fan, and his cell phone making a pleasant rain noise.
As quietly as possible, Axel shuts the door again and goes to find Roy for help instead. But in the back of his mind, he starts to wonder just how well Hartley's really been taking care of himself lately.
("I think," Roy tells Axel, "we're all getting him gag gifts and real gifts. So how about you get him the Frozen soundtrack, but also something he'd actually listen to. Johnny Cash, maybe? He strikes me as a fan of Johnny Cash, anyway. We'll go run it by Lisa and then do a little shoplifting, alright?"
"Thank you so much, Roy. I'm awful at figuring out gifts on my own. So, uh, what are you getting Snart?"
"It's a secret.")
"So," Barry says casually, when he meets up with Len for their next date, "apparently the rogues think you're also dating the Flash. In addition to me."
"Yeah, Scarlet, I know. Mick thought we were having threesomes without him and got jealous." Len tilted his head to the side, letting that news sink in.
Barry's eyes went a bit... glazed over and he blushed. "You know... I really wouldn't mind if Mick joined in. But, well... you know how I get during sex. We'd have to tell him the truth about me first."
How Barry got during sex was that he turned into a human vibrator. Which felt so damn good... and Len was a little excited, now, at the prospect of sharing that experience with Mick.
"After my birthday, alright? The other rogues are getting weird about my birthday, so I'd rather just... wait out whatever they're up to first."
"Sure thing," Barry agreed. Then, thoughtfully, he said, "what if Mick wasn't the only one we told about me?"
"So, uh, Hartley," Axel said, settling next to the half-asleep meta at the kitchen table.
"Uh-huh?"
"You've... you've really helped me, like, a lot since Snart brought me into the Rogues. You remind me to take my meds and about lab safety and how it was okay that I wasn't, like, instantly okay with myself for being queer and just..." Axel took a breath. "I'm a healthier person up here," he tapped his forehead, "because of you."
Hartley smiled, all sleepy and adorable and Axel wanted to wrap him up in blankets and make out with him. But he really needed to focus 'cause this was important.
"And, well, I overheard you, uh... getting upset with Len the other day. Because you haven't been getting enough sleep."
Hartley grimaced. "That was... I really shouldn't have done that. I ended up passing out on my bed right afterwards and got woken up... I dunno, forty minutes later? There was a firetruck going to what I assume was a medical emergency 'cause I didn't hear a fire or car crash clean up. I was kind of afraid he was going to kick me out until I found he'd actually given me the white noise generators I demanded."
Axel knew where that fear of getting kicked out came from. He had his own version of that fear after being passed around from foster home to foster home for being a problem child. He was too active, too much trouble, too much... too much to be worth the effort. But here everyone was nice to him. Especially Hartley. Hartley, who'd given Axel his first stim toy and winked at him, saying 'we NDs gotta stick together'.
In retrospect, that was probably when Axel fell in love with him.
"You've been struggling with your health. Different than I do, so I'm not... I don't know how to help, but I want to. If there's... something I can do help make things less noisy for you? Or the right kind of noisy?" Axel waved his hands helplessly.
"The, uh... the white noise generators do a really good job of blocking out sound now. I slept like the dead for... the last twelve hours, I think," Hartley admitted. "But, um... now I can't hear anyone's heartbeat and that... it's weird and I don't like it." He wasn't looking at Axel, his cheeks all rosy from blushing.
"I could, uh, sit with you, if you like. Tonight. Until you fall asleep. I can just, uh... read or whatever. And then you'll have a heartbeat to listen to as you fall asleep." Axel's heartbeat now was definitely all erratic, which Hartley no doubt could hear just fine. "Though, also, can I just recommend melatonin gummies? Because they have been super helpful for me."
Hartley chuckled and then kissed Axel's cheek. "Sure. Both of those sound like good ideas."
Axel thought he might just combust then and there.
Finally, the day arrives. Barry obligingly gets Len out of the house while the decorating flurry begins.
Mark sets up the drinks, Mick gets the nibbles and the cake ready, Hartley whines about not being a DJ even as he sets up the music, Roy complains about his artistic integrity as he helps set up Frozen themed garlands around the room, and Lisa neatly avoids having to do any of the work while Shawna flits around to help as needed. (Axel is set to filling up the blue and silver balloons, largely to keep him out of trouble.)
Shawna sets them all up with party hats and noise makers that have Lisa cackling with glee just in time for Barry and Len to walk in through the front door. They all shout "SURPRISE" and then blow on the little noise makers to make the most ridiculous kazoo-wannabe noises.
Cold rolls his eyes up to the ceiling and then gives Barry, who looks ridiculously pleased, a little betrayed look. And then he looks over where the gifts have been stacked up, all in Frozen gift wrap and says, through gritted teeth, "you all really shouldn't have."
"Is that white queso dip?" Barry asked, leaning to one side to get a better look at the snack buffet. "Because I am starving..."
"Were you in on this?" Len asked Barry.
"I'm not sure there is a safe answer to that question, so I'm just gonna grab a party hat and go try all the food while telling Mick how amazing it all tastes." Barry smiled brightly at Mick and took his party hat from Shawna and then, as promised, immediately crossed the room to where the food was.
"Lise..." Len gave his sister a look even as she pranced up and stuck a party hat on him too. (He immediately took the hat off as he glared at her.)
"Oh, suck it up, Lenny. We all love you and we want to show that love by teasing you about your thematic aesthetic choices in life on your birthday. Just be grateful we didn't go with Megamind. Where's the other boyfriend, by the way?"
Hartley snickered.
"Right. The Flash." Len was looking amused now. "Well now. Wherever could the Flash be, Barry?"
A blur of lightning flickered through the room and suddenly Len had a plate of food in his hands - and the party hat back on his head - while Barry was abruptly sitting on the arm rest of the only empty chair left in the living area with his own plate of food. "No idea," Barry said, which was clearly a blatant lie. "Couldn't possibly say where the Flash is this very moment."
The room went dead silent, save for Hartley's giggle fit, as what they'd just seen was processed.
Len pulled the party hat off his head and threw it at Barry. "Dammit, Scarlet," he grumbled.
"What?" Barry asked, faux innocently, "I thought you liked Frozen when you watched it with me."
Even Hartley went silent at that.
"What I liked was getting to listen to you sing all the songs," Len admitted, joining Barry on the chair.
"Holy shit," Shawna finally said. "Barry Allen is the Flash."
(Sighing in frustration, Roy pulled twenty bucks out of his wallet and passed them over to Mark.)
After the food was eaten and cake was had, it was time for the presents. Gag gifts first, which amounted to a pile of Frozen related merchandise as well as a bright blue ball gag and pair of blue fuzzy cuffs. (The last two being from Mick, of course, though Barry had picked up the gag, looked right at Mick, and gave the other man a challenging smirk that had actually made the pyro blush, much to Len's delight.)
The real gifts were, mostly, somehow related to the gag gifts, as Len found out as he opened those.
Roy's gag gift was a paint-by-numbers kit for Anna and the moose-guy. His actual gift was an original painting of Captain Cold and the Flash mid-fight. ("I'm stealing this," Barry had declared upon seeing it, to which Lisa said cheerfully "he really is one of us.") Axel's gifts were the Frozen soundtrack and a Nine Inch Nails album that Len used to have but lost somewhere along the way... but also a Johnny Cash album with his cover of the NiN song "Hurt" on it. Mark gave him Frozen themed plastic cups and some very fancy dessert beer. Hartley gave him an Elsa picnic blanket, but also a very nice picnic basket complete with two stemless plastic wine glasses and space specifically intended for a bottle of wine. Shawna's contribution was a puzzle featuring Anna... and a second puzzle made from a group photograph of the Rogues she'd taken using her phone's camera on a timer after they'd mostly fallen asleep together binge watching Star Wars one night. Even Barry had gotten in on it, gifting Len with a twenty-six piece Frozen tea set... and a number of loose leaf teas and fancy coffee beans that Barry had come to learn Len enjoyed.
The only gag gifts that didn't match the real gifts in some way - or at least, not in ways Len's brain was putting together - were Lisa and Mick's. Lisa gave Len a Frozen themed apron and the latest season of Game of Thrones to come out on blu-ray. Meanwhile the sex toys from Mick were countered by an actual gift of a Millennium Falcon model kit.
("I don't want to know how much of this was stolen, do I?" Barry had muttered, wrapping himself up in the Elsa blanket and snuggling against Len's side.
"Absolutely not," Len had agreed cheerfully.)
Honestly, even with the stupid garlands all over the place, Len couldn't have asked for a nicer birthday.
"Oh, god, really?" Hartley said abruptly, gaining the attention of everyone else in the room, who were watching the extended edition Lord of the Rings.
"What is it?" Lisa asked.
"Do you know where your brother, his boyfriend, and Mick are right now?"
"They're..." Lisa turned to look at where she'd seen the three of them last, but they were - quite clearly - no longer in the room. "They're fucking, aren't they?"
"Yes. They snuck out together and are now fucking."
There was a long pause while the group filters this information. Shawna and Mark look tempted to go take a peek while Roy mutters something about being too ace for this shit. Lisa just buries her face in her hands because she likes teasing her brother about his sex life, but she doesn't actually like knowing about it in real time.
Axel hummed thoughtfully and then poked Hartley in the shoulder. "Wanna have sex with me? Like... right now?"
"Yes. Very much yes," Hartley declared, scrambling to his feet. "With the white noise generators on, so all I hear is you, okay?" He grabbed Axel's hands and led the other man from the room.
"Ah, well..." Shawna and Mark exchanged glances. "We're gonna... go... turn in early. Night all."
That just left Lisa and Roy. "So... we're going to finish the movies, right?" Lisa asked.
"Yeah."
"I'll go make some fresh popcorn."