Chapter Text
“You’re… You love me?” Clarke slumped back into the booth, her eyes staring at speckled laminate and nothing at all. Her fingers twitched, as if they might still pull away, but then relaxed as if not a single part of her had any energy left to fight it. It was clear to Lexa then, as it really sunk in for the both of them, that they were years in the making, when it was probably obvious within seconds. Obvious to their friends, their family, the stressed and clearly exhausted waitress working a double. She wondered how she could’ve ever been so blind. How she could’ve possibly missed it, missed Clarke.
“'In love’ I think is the words I used.” Lexa cleared her throat, straightened her back, did her best not to flinch away from her own uneasiness. “I don’t think paraphrasing will do my love proclamation any justice…”
Clarke shot her a glare, but bit her lip at the same time, like she was trying to hold back a stubborn chuckle trapped in her chest. Lexa would do just about anything to hear it right now, would do just about anything to wrap herself in the warmth of it. Clarke had the best laugh, and the best smile, and the best imitation of pure sunlight. Lexa was half convinced she didn’t need food; could rely on photosynthesis when she was flooded by Clarke’s ever-present radiance.
“How do you know, Lex?” Clarke’s expression shifted, her eyes returning to the table top, her left leg bouncing relentlessly, vibrating the booth with nervous energy. “I saw the way you looked at her… It didn’t exactly look like nothing.”
Lexa didn’t want to fuck this up. Didn’t want to say one wrong word, make one wrong move, set them back further than they already were. But she figured honesty, with both her words and actions, was the only way they were making it out of this with both their hearts still intact.
“I think I loved her.” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and took in a rattling breath. The corners of her lashes glistened with unshed tears, and Lexa wanted so badly to wipe them away, to pretend that she wasn’t the cause of them. “But I wasn’t in love with her, Clarke. I wanted to be. I tried so hard to be. But I couldn’t. Not when I knew what being in love felt like. Knew that I could only ever feel that way about you. I just didn’t know I was allowed to.”
Clarke looked up, cerulean magnified by sea glass shimmers. She sniffed a little, the heel of her hand wiping at the stubborn proof of all she felt, all she was scared to let Lexa see. And Lexa wanted all of it. The sharp to the touch parts, the so warm it might burn parts. The eternally aching, and recklessly hopeful parts. So she reached up, wiping gently at the salty slick evidence. She knew she should let go, but her hands remained, framing Clarke’s jaw and rubbing soothing circles on the apples of her cheeks.
“I didn’t know I was allowed to either… I didn’t think I was allowed to want you…” Clarke reached up so her hands encircled Lexa’s wrists, her eyes staring down at dusty rose lips. Lexa leaned forward so their foreheads could touch, their noses mere centimeters apart, her eyes searching for any reason why she shouldn’t close the breath of space between them. “But please only do this if you’re sure. I don’t think I’d ever recover if you weren’t.”
And just like that, Lexa was closing the distance, tightening her hold ever so slightly on Clarke’s jaw, and taking in the feeling of her lips for the first time. She tasted like malted strawberry ice-cream and sunshine. Her movements soft but full of yearning, her fingers gripping harder around Lexa’s wrists like she was scared this moment wasn’t real. Like she needed proof it could be, that it was. As their kiss deepened, Lexa knotted her fingers around the back of Clarke’s neck, nipping gently at her bottom lip and enjoying the little whine that escaped.
As they broke apart, both trembling slightly from the weight of what this meant, from the inevitability of this moment, Clarke rubbed her nose gently against Lexa’s. Still needing physical confirmation that she was allowed to have this. That they were allowed to do this.
“I dreamt about kissing you before. I was so devastated it wasn’t real.” Clarke whispered, her thumb tracing Lexa’s pulse points on the back of her wrist. She was certain Clarke could feel the hammer heavy pounding of her heart. She was certain no other proof was needed.
“This is real. You and me are the realest thing I’ve ever known.” Lexa kissed Clarke’s forehead, traced the bridge of her nose with the tip her own. Tried everything to keep the physical contact going between them without pushing to far and moving too fast.
“What do you want out of this, Lex?” Clarke pulled back slightly, using the extra space to make solid eye contact with Lexa. Her face still close, her hands rubbing up and down Lexa’s arms.
“I want you, Clarke. And I really want you to want me too.” Lexa flashed her a timid smile, hoping her words were conveying just how serious she was. Just how serious she hoped Clarke would be too.
“I don’t think I’m capable of not wanting you. I’ve tried, and believe me, it sucked.” Clarke let out a hiccuped giggle, her gaze never wavering from Lexa’s. Her finger tips playing connect the dots with the early summer freckles on the brunette’s forearm.
“Clarke Abigail Griffin, I am so in love with you. Will you be my girlfriend?”
“Lexa Everette Green, I am so in love with you too. And yes, of course. I thought you’d never ask.”
And with that hopefully question and confident answer, Lexa felt like she was pulling them into something great, something always meant to be. Through all the haphazard hurt and unintended omissions. Through the suffocating silence and dreary shadows. Through miscommunications and missed communications. They survived it all. They survived it for this. The most real feeling either of them had ever felt in their lives.