Work Text:
Chapter 1:
(When Rum Tum Tugger interrupts the ball)
Chorus (singing): The Rum Tugger is a curious cat!
Rum Tum Tugger (singing): If you offer me pheasant, I’d rather have grouse.
(Climbs down from the car)
Rum Tum Tugger: If you set me on a mouse, I would much prefer a rat, if you set me on a rat than I’d rather have a house, if you set me on a – (realizes mistake and makes an “oh shit” face) Uh… if you set me on a flat than I’d rather chase a house!
(laughter)
Director: Cut!
…
(Intro during Jellicles Songs for Jellicle Cats)
Ensemble: We can dive through the air!
(Etcetera swings in)
Ensemble: Like a flying trapeze! We can turn double summersaults-
(Trapeze wire snaps)
Etcetera: AAH!
(Lands right on top of Munkustrap)
Munkustrap: OW!!
(laughter)
Director: (wincing) CUT!
…
(During the Old Gumby Cat Number)
Jennyanydots: With a purpose in life and a good deed to do!
Jellylorum, Bombalurina, & Demeter: And she’s even…
(Munkustrap goes to undo the buttons on Jenny’s coat,)
Jellylorum, Bombalurina, & Demeter: created… a beetles… tatoo!
(After removing her boots and part of her hat, Munkustrap and Jenny turn to remove her coat… and it doesn’t come off, instead accidently pulling forcefully at her shoulders)
Jennyanydots: (yelps)
Munkustrap: Sorry!
Director: CUT! Can we get a look at Jenny’s coat?
-
(When Rum Tum Tugger is introducing Mr. Mistoffelees)
Rum Tum Tugger: You’ve seen it one moment, and then it is gone! But you’ll find it next week, lying out on the laawwnnn!
(Misto starts to descend from the sky)
Rum Tum Tugger: And we all say- OH!
(The rope Misto is hanging on suddenly breaks, taking the magical cat down with it)
Mistoffelees: (surprised shout)
Rum Tum Tugger: (dives in and catches Misto under the arms, but the force takes him down with him.)
(Silence)
Director: Is everybody okay?
Rum Tum Tugger: (groans) No… I think he bruised my hip.
…
Director: Uh… just, just cut.
-
(Back to Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats. Tumblebrutus starts his part with a bunch of stunts)
Tumblebrutus: Have you been on alumnus, of heaven and -ACK (he can’t control the momentum on the last “tumble” and falls on his face)
(laughter)
Director: Oh my God… CUT!
-
(During the Pekes and the Pollicles “play”)
Munkustrap: Who should stalk out, but-
Ensemble: The Great, RUUMPUUSS CAAAT!!
(Admetus, dressed as Rumpus Cat jumps in but misses the landing resulting in a loud crash)
Munkustrap: (rolls his eyes and goes to retrieve Admetus)
Admetus: (lays there.)
Munkustrap: Uh…
Director: Admetus? We got a scene to do.
Admetus: …
Director: … great. CUT! And somebody wake him up!
-
(At the end of the ball)
Old Deuteronomy: Before a cat will condescend, to treat you as a trusted fr-
CRASH
(back set of stars falls)
(Everyone jumps)
…
…
Old Deuteronomy: Well… I suppose the night is technically supposed to be over.
(some laugher)
Director: CUT!
-
(Beginning of the Macavity Song)
Demeter: But I tell you once and once again! Macavity’s not there!
Bombalurina: Macavity’s a (slips and falls off of set) sonofva-! (lands on her face)
Demeter: (paw covers mouth as she turns to see)
(Back stage laughing)
Director: (sighs) CUT!
-
(Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats)
Tumblebrutus: Have you been on alumnus of Heaven and Hell?
Mungojerrie: …
(music continues to go)
Rumpleteazer: Uh… (gives Jerrie a small shove)
Mungojerrie: (Turns to her, confused) What?
Rumpleteazer: ahem. (mouths the lyrics)
Mungojerrie: Oh! Are you lean like a lynx?
(Mix of collective groans and laughs)
Director: Again? CUT! Seriously Jerrie?
-
(Back to Rum Tum Tugger Number)
Rum Tum Tugger: If you set me on a rat than I’d rather chase a mouse!
(kicks ball, hitting Mistoffelees square in the face)
Mistoffelees: ACK! (force sends him back with his head hitting the car with a surprisingly loud BOOM!)
(music stops)
Rum Tum Tugger: (Turns around in confusion before wincing at Misto’s form) oooh. Did I do that?
Munkustrap: (bluntly) Yes.
Mistoffelees: (dizzily) I’m okay!
Rum Tum Tugger: Yeah, I uh… (plays with belt) tend to have that effect.
(laughter)
Director: Why do I even try? CUT!
Bonus:
(Backstage)
Rum Tum Tugger: Are you sure you’re okay?
Mistoffelees: (Rolls his eyes) Yes. For the tenth time I’m fine.