Chapter Text
You blink for the first time in ages, swallowing saliva and clearing your throat. The wings on your rocket-pack rattle as you stabilize yourself and focus your senses. You take in a deep breath through your nose, observing your surroundings for miles. There’s nothing solid. Vague, violent cracks of flashing colors surround you in the distance, each immeasurable in size, seemingly massive while simultaneously forever out of physical reach. A dying star swirls beneath you, swallowing up the souls of people you recognize, their screams imperceptible over all of the silence.
Your location doesn’t matter, your name doesn’t matter. What matters is your mission, and the girl you are out here to save. Your mind fogs up, and you’re hit by a wave of sudden emotions that don’t belong to you. These have been hitting every now and then, your Seer of Mind powers fighting back against what you’re doing to your physical body. You don’t remember the last time you ate, or slept, or stood both of your feet on solid ground.
Your name does not matter, but that cannot change the fact that you are Terezi Pyrope, and you don’t remember what being alive felt like anymore.
One thruster on your rocket-pack sputters, and you sigh. Your mode of transport doesn’t require fuel of any kind, but even artificial, game-constructed machinery needs a break now and then. You reach over your shoulder and flick a slider from ‘BOOST’ to ‘HOVER.’ It’s muscle memory, something you’ve done more times than you can count. The thrusters whir to a stop, the metal dragon wings spread a little to catch more nonexistent air, and you hover in place, all forward momentum slowing to a halt. You close your eyes for effect.
Your palmhusk sits heavy in your pocket, and once you notice, it won’t leave your mind. It’s your only form of social stimulus here. You hate relying on it, you don’t want to rely on anything, actually. But you can’t stop yourself.
Pull the black licorice contraption out and flip it open. A monochrome computing solution seemed idiotic at the time you received it, but now, the contrast of the colors on screen and the dark void all around you is enough to keep you focused. You glaze over your chat histories, each with a broken timestamp, leaving you unable to tell how long you’ve been out here once again. Your thumb hovers over a few names. Some warm tints, different shades of blue.
You tap on your most recent conversation and start to read it again from the start.
-- ectoBiologist (EB) began pestering gallowsCalibrator (GC) --
EB: hey.
EB: i know you didn’t ever respond to my last message.
EB: or the one before that, but...
EB: i was wondering if you were still out there.
EB: i thought i'd try again, because...
EB: yeah.
EB: message me if you see this.
GC: 1M NOT D34D JOHN
GC: TH4NK YOU FOR YOUR CONC3RN
EB: oh.
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT
EB: i uh.
EB: you know, just...
EB: someone to talk to?
GC: HM
GC: BOR1NG 4S FUCK ST4RT3R BUT 1 C4N DO TH4T 1 GU3SS
EB: boring?
GC: Y3S
GC: L1K3 1TS NOT 4 M4SS1V3 1NT3RSP3C13S W4R OR 4NYTH1NG TO R34LLY C4PT1V4T3 M3 BUT 1 GU3SS 1 C4N D34L
EB: what is with your obsession with war these days?
EB: whatever.
GC: SO
GC: L4Y 1T ON M3 WH4T 4R3 W3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT
EB: well, uh.
EB: just in general, how are you?
GC: J3SUS, 3GB3RT
EB: what?
GC: YOU DONT KNOW WH4T YOU W4NT3D TO S4Y, DO YOU
EB: hey, cut me some slack.
GC: NOBODY G3TS 4NY SL4CK, JOHN
GC: NOT M3, NOT D4V3, NOT K4RK4T
GC: 4ND 3SP3C14LLY NOT YOU
EB: well maybe i didn’t plan anything because i thought you might be dead!
EB: did you consider that?
GC: >:|
EB: of course.
EB: of course you didn't.
EB: like i understand that you’re...
EB: busy? all the time?
EB: but god damnit, people miss you!
EB: everyone is worried about you.
GC: JOHN
GC: DO YOU TH1NK 1 DONT KNOW TH4T?
EB: i mean.
GC: 3GB3RT, 1 M1SS MY FR13NDS 3V3RY S1NGL3 S3COND OF 3V3RY S1NGL3 M1NUT3 UP H3R3 1N TH1S M1S3R4BL3 VO1D
GC: NOT 4 S1NGL3 UNTR4CK4BL3 D4Y H4S GON3 BY WH3R3 1 H4V3NT M1SS3D SOL1D GROUND B3N34TH MY F33T 4ND SUPPORT FROM THOS3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT M3
EB: terezi...
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 SOM3TH1NG 1MPORT4NT TO DO
GC: 4ND 1F 1 QU1T NOW, TH3N WH4T W4S TH3 PO1NT?
EB: but i mean.
EB: how important is it really..?
GC: FUCK1NG 3XCUS3 M3?
GC: HOW 1MPORT4NT 1S 1T TH4T 1 F1ND VR1SK4??
GC: 1S TH4T S3R1OUSLY WH4T YOUR3 4SK1NG M3 R1GHT NOW????
EB: aaaagh please don’t think about it like that!
GC: TH3N PL34S3, 3NL1GHT3N M3 4S TO HOW 1 SHOULD B3 TH1NK1NG!
EB: i just...
EB: look i miss her too, okay?
EB: she was my friend too, ignoring the worrisome tendencies she exhibited.
EB: i know your relationship was so much deeper than mine, but hear me out.
EB: come on, you’ve kind of said it yourself!!
EB: if she was really lost, don’t you think you would have found her by now?
GC: 1 S41D TH4T 1N 4 F4R D1FF3R3NT CONT3XT TH4N YOU 4R3 NOW >:/
EB: but!
EB: did you really?
EB: i don’t know how much context matters here.
EB: you’ve been gone for like... 3 years!
EB: the void is big. but it isn’t infinite, terezi.
EB: i...
EB: fuck i’m sorry if this comes off rude, i don’t know any other way to say this, but...
EB: what if she doesn’t want to be found?
You stop reading the chat log. Too much to think about. You don’t have to re-read it to know what’s inside, lots of vulnerability that you don’t want to address.
But on the other hand, what the fuck else are you going to do here?
John had a point. How long has it been? How healthy can it be to ignore those vulnerabilities? You cover your face with your hands, grumbling a half-scream into your palms.
TEREZI: ...
TEREZI: WHY 4M 1 DO1NG TH1S TO MYS3LF?
It's hard to say why you speak up to nobody in particular. Maybe just to remember what your own voice sounds like, anything to ground you will do right now. It's detestable how much he wants you to be happy, sometimes. After all this time of doing something you deem vital, you can't believe he still cares how you're doing, defeating the purpose of coming out here in the first place. Hasn't he ever heard the definition of a suicide mission? It's almost enough to convince you to come back.
But you can't. You can't quit. You can't fail at something so trivial, what would everyone think of you? What would that make you?
You tear your attention away from the bad thoughts and direct your focus back to the conversation, scrolling down to a different point.
EB: yeah but, how do YOU feel?
GC: H3Y, YOU 4R3NT 4LLOW3D TO 4SK M3 QU3ST1ONS 1 C4NT 4NSW3R >:[
EB: oh come on, don't give me that.
EB: sure you can.
GC: ...
EB: you just told me you’re always thinking, you don’t expect me to believe you haven’t been feeling things, do you?
GC: UGH
GC: 3GB3RT 1 H4V3 GOOD R34SONS FOR NOT W4NT1NG TO OP3N UP
GC: 1M NOT 3X4CTLY 4 M4ST3R 4T CONFRONT1NG MY OWN F33L1NGS
GC: H4RDLY 4 S1NGL3 TROLL 1S
GC: 1M WORK1NG ON 1T BUT 1M MOR3 WORR13D 4BOUT F1ND1NG H3R
EB: you keep saying that.
EB: and i know it’s important!
EB: but i think it’s important to know why you’re out there looking for her in the first place, right..?
You clutch the husk tighter, you shouldn’t keep reading this. Scroll down again.
GC: 1 DONT KNOW, OK4Y???
GC: 1 C4NT T3LL YOU WHY SH3S SO 1MPORT4NT TO M3!!
GC: 1TS TOO MUCH FUCK1NG H1STORY 4ND 3MOT1ON!
GC: SH1T W3 D1D 4S K1DS
GC: 4RGUM3NTS W3 N3V3R S3TTL3D
GC: T1M3S WH3N W3 ONLY H4D 34CH OTH3R
GC: WH3N 1 N33D3D H3R
EB: needed?
GC: JOHN 1 DONT G1V3 4 SH1T 4NYMOR3!
GC: 4ND 1 SUR3 4S SH1T DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N MYS3LF TO YOU
GC: 1 KNOW 1TS L1K3LY TH4T SH3 4LL BUT 4B4NDON3D M3!
GC: 1 4M NOT STUP1D, DO YOU H34R M3???
GC: YOU DO *NOT* G3T TO TR34T M3 L1K3 A D1MW1TT3D CH1LD OV3R TH1S!
GC: 1 D3S3RV3 CLOSUR3 4ND YOU KNOW 1T
GC: 1 JUST
GC: 1 D3S3RV3 TH4T MUCH
Biting your lip to keep the tears down, you skip past another embarrassing personal outburst.
EB: that isn’t fair to you, though!
EB: terezi, i get how much this matters to you.
EB: but still.
GC: BUT WH4T?
GC: 1 SHOULD G1V3 UP??
EB: damnit, no!
EB: if you come back, you aren’t "giving up!"
EB: if you come back it could mean moving on.
EB: coming back means deciding what matters MORE to you.
GC: SHUT UP
EB: listen to me! please. :(
You turn your palmhusk off and stuff it back into your pocket. Reach back and flip the rockets back on again. They sputter and clang back to life, and you start to pick up speed again. The wind resistance whips the tears off of your face and they scatter behind you.
You don’t want to admit someone else is right.
You don’t want to admit that you miss them more.
JUNE: hey, are you paying attention?
TEREZI: HUH
Terezi looks up from the spot on the floor she was focused on, expression blank and posture casual.
JUNE: did you hear what i just said?
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 D1D
JUNE: then what did i say?
TEREZI: SOM3 N3RD SH1T
JUNE: terezi!
TEREZI: SORRY NO 1M L1ST3N1NG FOR R34L
JUNE: ...
You make a face, kind of a worried pout. This isn’t the first time she’s done this today, completely zoning out, nodding occasionally. It’s really worrisome.
JUNE: hey...
JUNE: can you tell me what’s up?
TEREZI: TH3 TOP W4LL
JUNE: top.. do you mean the ceiling??
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S 4 C31L1NG
JUNE: it’s... wait
JUNE: no, you’re dodging the question!
TEREZI: >:O
TEREZI: B4S3L3SS 4CCUS4T1ON!
JUNE: oh hush
JUNE: can you please tell me what’s bothering you?
JUNE: you’ve been acting off ever since you got back
JUNE: at first i thought it was just adjusting to normal life again but you keep having these moments where you look off into space and stop talking and-
JUNE: ...i’m worried about you, i guess is what i'm trying to say
Terezi gives you a blank stare, then she looks away awkwardly. You sigh, dropping your head and looking at your lap. Maybe you’re being too demanding? She has the right to not give you an answer, after all. She’s been back for less than a week, she probably just needs some space. But, if that was the case, then why is she still crashing at your house? She takes her glasses off and puts them on the floor next to her.
TEREZI: 4LL OF TH1S F33LS WRONG, JUN3
JUNE: huh?-
TEREZI: 1 SP3NT Y34RS FLY1NG THROUGH P4R4DOX SP4C3 LOOK1NG FOR 4 G1RL 1 H4D 4 CRUSH ON, D4MN N34R K1LL3D MYS3LF TRY1NG TO F1ND H3R, G4V3 UP 4ND C4M3 B4CK, TH3N FOR SOM3 R34SON P3OPL3 JUST S33M...
TEREZI: F1N3 W1TH 1T??
TEREZI: W3LL GU3SS WH4T, 3V3RYON3
TEREZI: N3WS FL4SH! 1M NOT F1N3!
TEREZI: 1 COM3 B4CK TO TH3 WORLD 1 H4D V3RY L1TTL3 H4ND 1N CR34T1NG, 4ND NOT 4 D4Y P4SS3S B3FOR3 1 R3GR3T COM1NG B4CK W1THOUT H3R
TEREZI: HOW P4TH3T1C 1S TH4T?
TEREZI: YOU S34RCH FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, D3C1D3 1TS B3ST TO R3TURN, 4ND 1MM3D14T3LY M1SS YOUR MO1R-
TEREZI: YOUR...
TEREZI: UGH!
Terezi grits her teeth trying to find the words, before throwing her hands up in frustration and crumpling in defeat.
TEREZI: 1 H4T3 TH1S
JUNE: t-terezi...
You find yourself struggling for words, too. You can see her in pain, but you don’t want to make anything worse.
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT 1 W4S OV3R 1T, 4ND M4YB3 1 W4S??
TEREZI: BUT TH3N S331NG YOU 1N TH1S OUTF1T? 1T JUST R3M1ND3D M3 OF H3R
JUNE: !!
TEREZI: 1TS NOT YOUR F4ULT
TEREZI: YOU LOOK GR34T, 1TS JUST...
She takes a breath.
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: FUCK 1F 1 KNOW
TEREZI: 1V3 B33N BROK3N FOR SW33PS 4NYW4YS, 1 DONT KNOW WHY 1M SO SURPR1S3D
TEREZI: L1F3 GO3S ON P4ST M3 4NYW4YS 4ND 1 G3T US3D TO 1T
She crunches in on herself further, and this time you can see them. Clear as day, hot, sea blue tears streaming down her cheeks, leaving wet lines down her face in their path. She wipes her eyes on her arm, turning away from you in shame.
The rush of emotions brought on by seeing her like this all hit you simultaneously, and they all pour over in an action. You’re up on your feet without another thought.
TEREZI: H-H3Y-
JUNE: you are not broken
Terezi squirms a little under the hug, but you tighten up.
JUNE: who the hell told you that you were broken??
TEREZI: 1-1-
JUNE: terezi pyrope you are not fucking broken
JUNE: coming back after years of looking for someone is NOT weak
She stops wiggling.
JUNE: you made such a hard decision
JUNE: i promise you it wasn’t a mistake
JUNE: i am PROUD of you, okay?
TEREZI: BUT
TEREZI: ...
You think you’re crying too, now. It’s hard to say. Terezi’s goes silent, tears rolling down her cheeks without a sound, and then... She hugs you back, tight. She presses her face into your shoulder and cries, letting out half-choked sobs. You rest your head on hers and let her get everything out.
You’ve never, not once, seen Terezi cry before. You get the feeling she’s been holding this in for a long, long time. Long enough that she doesn’t even have any words in her to explain, just years worth of tears all overflowing at once.
It takes her a few minutes before she pulls away, and when she does it’s awkward, but... In a way that makes you laugh. You wipe the spot on your shirt she was crying into with your hand. The two of you sit for a little, Terezi hiccuping every little while, before one of you speaks up.
TEREZI: SORRY
JUNE: heyyy don’t be! crying is totally natural
TEREZI: NOT FOR TH4T
JUNE: oh?
TEREZI: 1M SORRY FOR DUMP1NG 4LL MY G4RB4G3 F33L1NGS 4ND TR4UM4 ON YOU W1THOUT W4RN1NG
JUNE: but it’s okay!!
JUNE: you need to tell people how you’re feeling sometimes
TEREZI: SOUNDS F4K3 BUT OK4Y
You give her a scolding look, she smiles.
TEREZI: W3LL
TEREZI: 1F YOUR3 SO SUR3
TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 SHOULD B3 S4Y1NG TH4NK YOU
JUNE: what why?
TEREZI: FOR L3TT1NG M3 W41L L1K3 4 W1GGL3R 4LL OV3R YOUR N3W OUTF1T??
TEREZI: H3Y YOU TOLD M3 1 D1DNT N33D TO 4POLOG1Z3, SHOULDNT 1 B3 TH4NK1NG YOU >:?
JUNE: i mean, if you want to?
JUNE: but you don’t need to thank me for being there for you, i’m happy to do it!
TEREZI: TH3N WH4T 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO S4Y WH3N 1M DON3 SH4M3FULLY B4WL1NG 4T YOU??
TEREZI: CUT M3 SOM3 SL4CK H3R3, JUN3
TEREZI: MOST OF 4LT3RN14 D1DNT 3X4CTLY DO “PL34S3 4ND TH4NK YOU”
JUNE: er, nothing? i don’t know!
TEREZI: TH4TS DUMB
TEREZI: DO3S B31NG SYMP4TH3T1C 3V3R STOP B31NG CONFUS1NG
JUNE: eventually.
TEREZI: 3VE3NTU4LLY??? >:O!!!
Terezi looks at you incredulously, mouth agape and eyebrows raised.
JUNE: what?
Then she cackles.
TEREZI: 1M M3SS1NG W1TH YOU, S1LLY
TEREZI: 1T DO3SNT BOTH3R M3 TH4T MUCH
JUNE: oh, haha
TEREZI: 1 M34NT 1T WH3N 1 S41D TH4NK YOU, THOUGH
You can’t stop the grin that you get, it’s nice. Terezi picks up her glasses and slides them onto her shirt collar, wiping the last tears from her eyes.
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1M GONN4 L13 DOWN
TEREZI: 1V3 GOT SOM3 SH1T TO TH1NK 4BOUT
JUNE: hehe
TEREZI: W4K3 M3 WH3N W3R3 L34V1NG
JUNE: roger that!
Terezi gets to her feet and takes her hair out of its ponytail. She brushes some locks out of her face, tucks a few strands behind her ear, and suddenly her hair frames her face completely differently. Somehow it makes her look both relaxed and sharp at the same time? You don’t know what it is. Terezi makes a face.
TEREZI: WH4T >:?
Oh
Fuck, you were totally spacing out staring at her.
JUNE: nothing!
TEREZI: H3H3H3 SUR3
She looks you up and down and... Wow, that’s kind of intimidating, but not bad like it used to feel when people looked at you closely. It’s partially because of the outfit, but also because when she looks at you, you aren’t worried if she’s trying to find something wrong with you or anything. She’s just looking, that’s okay.
She giggles and makes this face like she just thought of something funny to say.
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 TH1S 1SNT TH3 L4ST T1M3 YOU T34CH M3 SOM3TH1NG >;P
She shoots you a finger gun and leaves, you get this little nervous, excited feeling in you.
JUNE:
JUNE: i hope so too