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1.
They had prayed, at least Carina had. Mouthing words Maya didn’t understand, she had looked at her empty palms and waited. The comfort of the hospital church pews was strange, in such a sad and scary place, this felt warm. Like someone was watching over everything, just here. Eventually, Carina had opened her eyes and linked their hands, smiling softly.
“He’s gonna be okay, Carina.” Maya searched her eyes, he had been joking and talking. This long and horrible day had ended okay. Things had ended up okay. Part of Maya felt guilty for leaving her team, for spending the day here on these pews and in hospital chairs that really ought to be more comfortable. But this was Carina, this was… Gross and regular monogamy, things like this would happen again surely. And Maya would have to be there. For Carina, and for Andrew. She envied how close they were, how Andrew perked up whenever he saw Carina run her hands through Maya’s hair. He was simply happy for them, and she barely knew him.
“He just needs safe rest.” Carina looked at their conjoined hands, smiling her soft smile that Maya wanted to kiss so badly. Not here, not now. Now they would sit.
“Are you going to stay here all night?” Maya’s thumb running across the back of Carina’s small and warm hand. Those hands brought so much joy into the world, life, and happiness. Carina laughed a little, opening her mouth to say yes. “Yeah, yeah. Two halves, one whole.” They laughed. Because it was safe here. Because Andrew was okay, just resting.
“Come, let’s see if you can say goodbye to Andrea before you leave.” Carina stood up, strong and okay. She wasn’t crying or crumbling. Her half was okay. Maya smiled and let Carina pull her up after her, till she wrapped her arms around Maya and Maya groaned into her shoulder.
“It’s been a long day.” She sighed into the smell of Carina, her girlfriend laughed and pulled back. They both needed sleep, in a real bed. Together. But Maya would let her sleep in a hospital chair, she’d do the same for her brother.
“I’ll make it up to you,” Carina whispered as she leaned in to kiss Maya, softly, sweetly. Standing and kissing surrounded by church pews, they laughed.
“Come on, let’s go. I have to sleep soon.” And Maya led Carina out of the church pews, away from the smell of burning candles.
2.
The white sterile walls, heavy with loss, seemed off and broken by the pool of blood. The lack of a bed. Things left in a mess, as if life depended on the removal of the person. Why was he gone?
“Where is he?” She was standing, so still, staring at the ground. The blood around her feet. Her tone was fretting and worried but almost defeated. Like he had simply ghosted her for a family reunion, not disappeared only leaving blood behind.
“Carina,” Maya stopped in her tracks at the doorway, looking at the gory scene before her. This beautiful woman, in a Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital hoodie, ponytail loose and mask bending her ears. Her eyes were so empty, so detached, and suddenly so frantic as she turned to look at Maya.
“Where is he?” Her voice cracked, her eyes flickering over Maya’s face as if she knew.
“Dr. Deluca?” Maya flew around to see a nurse holding a mop and bucket of soap water. Carina looked down at her bloody feet and back up at the nurse. “Did no one notify you?” The nurse spoke so calmly, no emotions behind her face shield and mask. Relaying information.
“Notify us of what?” Maya said, looking back at Carina as she shook silently. The nurse looked at her full hands, and back at the figures inside the room in need of cleaning. Maya caught the look and moved away to let the nurse into the room.
“The other Dr. Deluca had a code called on him, they took him up to OR two at least half an hour ago.” Carina’s eyes widened and then emptied as she met Maya’s gaze.
Maya asked with her eyes, but Carina just looked at the nurse and squinted her eyes to translate a smile.
“Thank you, Nurse Peterson.” The nurse nodded back and watched as Carina moved from the pile of blood, tracking it with her as she walked into the hallway.
“Carina!” Maya darted after her, to see her girlfriend running to get into the elevator doors. They closed silently in Maya’s face as she yelled after Carina again, banging her fist into the door after it closed. “Damn it.”
3.
“Time of death: 22:50.” In here it was empty. Hollow. Nothing felt good, nothing felt holy. This place that had brought so many people back, it was useless. No one moved, no one breathed. It all felt too heavy. Dr. Khan looked around at the empty faces, Owen was staring at his hands. Covered in blood. A silent soldier, not looking up from the unholy ground which he stood. Teddy was staring at the ceiling as if praying, her arms limp at her sides as she started to shake with heavy breathes. Bokhee took off her gloves, and closed her eyes for a second before patting Owen on the back, and leaving. The nurses started to clean, Dr. Khan looked at the attendings who didn’t dare to move.
“Should we go tell the family?” To Dr. Khan, this was just a patient. He was just a doctor. But to Owen and Teddy, this was no longer surgery and no longer their job. This was empty and silent pain.
“Carina, stop!” The OR door swung open, breaking the silence with the Seattle’s Station 19 Fire Captian shouting as the door hit her face.
And there she stood. This beautiful woman, in a Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital hoodie, ponytail loose and mask bending her ears.A doctor, with shaking hands, and frantic eyes. Eyes that darted to Teddy’s shaking figure, Owen’s strong eyes, and then his body.
“Carina,” Owen stepped towards her, removing his gloves and face shield, eyebrows furrowed as Carina took in the sight.
“No, no,” She tried to step forward, but Owen blocked her with his body, arms wrapping around her. “No, dio no, per favore no, no,” Her body crumpled into his arms, hands clawing at his arms begging to be let go. The silence was filled with sobs as they dragged her from the OR and into the hallway. There was blood tracking the path Carina had taken, but she didn’t notice as she fell against the wall, burying her face in her knees as she choked out sobs.
“Did he-” Maya was wrapped around her girlfriend in a minute, hand stroking the hair off her face and cupping her masked face, eyes darting from Owen to Teddy who stood in front of the OR doors like guards. Very broken guards. Teddy nodded, looking up to block the tears from swarming her version.
“How long?” Carina looked up from her spot on the ground, eyes begging for answers. Owen looked at the ground and took a deep breath in.
“We just called it.” His voice was defeated, they couldn’t do anything. It was so hopeless. Maya kept stroking Carina’s hair as she shook, trying to find the right words.
“Carina, we should go home.” She turned and stared at Maya like she was insane, backing away from her touch. It was heavy and messy and Carina’s voice broke.
“I can’t go back home!” The tears were soaking her mask, her eyes broken in a way Maya never wanted to see. She had to call work, she had to ask Jack to take over. No. She had to be here for Carina, she had to… “There’s no home anymore. I should be with him, I should’ve…. I should. I can’t just leave him. He’s home. How do you not get that?” Maya tried to reach out and touch her face but she batted it away, looking back up at Owen and Teddy. “Let me see him.” Owen shook his head and looked at Carina.
“You can after we clean him up, you should go home. Rest. Process, come back tomorrow-” Owen was in his doctor mode, his logic, and his senses. He wouldn’t be able to process this, he had things to do and people to save. He had Teddy to fight with and children to miss, he needed Carina to walk away. It was selfish, but he didn’t want to see her right now. See the sorrow, because he wouldn’t be allowed to feel it tonight.
“I’m not leaving my baby brother!” Carina started to sob and rock on the floor, unable to control her voice or movements. It was so loud, in the heavy silence. “I can’t just leave him-”
“He already left you,” Maya spoke surely, waiting for Carina to met her gaze. “He’s gone, you can’t hold on when he let go.” Carina stood up and wiped her face with her hands.
“You don’t get to tell me how to feel.” And she stormed off, letting Maya run after her again.
1.
“Miranda,” She jolted awake, looking at Meredith’s still body and then Owen and Richard who stood at the door. Her eyes were so heavy, how had she gone back to sleep? Owen looked at Richard and nodded, letting him step forward towards Miranda.
“What happened?” The feeling in her chest was heavy, Richard’s eyes looked so heavy. The air felt so flat and sterile and empty. “Who is it?” Miranda pushed herself up and looked between Richard and Owen, begging for one of them to talk. “Say somethin’ if you’re gonna wake me up.” It wasn’t like them to be so hesitant, Owen was starring at the floor. He looked broken, why was Owen broken?
“It’s Deluca,” Owen said from behind Richard. Miranda shook her head and looked back at Richard.
“What do you mean it’s Deluca?”