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Yoo Joonghyuk is not used to being soft. His hands are made for breaking things, not saving them; he has never been able to save anyone, including himself. The lives he’s lived, going back to that fateful day the world ended, have made him cold and cruel. There is a distance between him and the rest of the world that no one can cross.
He walks this world alone. He knows better than to expect anyone to keep up with him.
He knows better than to get attached.
But Kim Dokja, impossible and unpredictable, forced his way into Yoo Joonghyuk’s life and declared them companions. And suddenly Yoo Joonghyuk is not the one walking ahead of everyone else, alone; now, he chases after Kim Dokja, time after time, reaching for him, always a step behind.
Kim Dokja is here, in this regression, and that is all that matters.
It’s quiet, tonight. There is no terrible tragedy hanging over their heads, or an enemy lying in wait for them. Tonight, they can rest.
Compared to his past regressions, everyone is lighter. They are not the same as they were before, at the beginning. No one is. But that heaviness they carried, that burden that slowly dragged them down, it’s not here.
Shin Yoosung smiles as she talks to Kim Dokja. Lee Gilyoung is relaxed on the ground, leaning back against Kim Dokja. They’re just kids, thrown headfirst into the scenarios, and Kim Dokja saved them, like he saved everyone else here. It’s no wonder they’re so attached.
Yoo Joonghyuk is too, even if he can’t bring himself to say it.
The others chat quietly in between eating. Something warms in Yoo Joonghyuk’s chest as he watches everyone enjoy his cooking. Kim Dokja too was taking time to savor his food. He was glad; he had put the best pieces on Kim Dokja’s plate.
It’s hard showing care, when he’s so used to everyone he cares for dying. It’s hard to show care when he’s the only one left in the end, and nothing he does can save them.
Kim Dokja meets his eyes; Yoo Joonghyuk had been staring for too long.
-Do you have something to say? he asks through Midday Tryst.
-No. Go back to eating.
Kim Dokja doesn’t look like he believes him, but that doesn’t surprise him. Out of everyone, Kim Dokja knows Yoo Joonghyuk best. It still stuns him, the lengths he’ll go to ensure Yoo Joonghyuk survives.
It’s not just the world Kim Dokja intends to save, but Yoo Joonghyuk also.
So used to being to one in control, leading others and taking charge in the scenarios, it’s strange to be on the other side of that. To follow after someone else, to have faith in them to get through anything. To be willing to die to see their goals come to being.
Kim Dokja is the only one Yoo Joonghyuk would feel this way for. No one else compares.
Under his gaze, Kim Dokja flushes and ducks his head. He urges the kids to eat and does not look at Yoo Joonghyuk again.
That’s fine. Yoo Joonghyuk is satisfied with keeping Kim Dokja fed. It’s the least he can do for someone who died for him time and time again.
“Why aren’t you sleeping,” Yoo Joonghyuk says. It’s more an accusation than a question, and perhaps that’s what makes Kim Dokja glare at him. Yoo Joonghyuk glances down at the phone Kim Dokja was so focused on, looks at its blank screen, and irritation quickly fills him.
“I wasn’t aware I had a bedtime,” Kim Dokja says, staring up at him defiantly. The circles under his eyes are dark, and will likely get even darker. For someone who always saves him, he doesn’t care for himself at all. It irks Yoo Joonghyuk.
“How do you expect to fight well if you’re too tired to function?”
“I’ll be just fine. It’s not like I need a lot of sleep in the first place.”
Yoo Joonghyuk is familiar with the urge to punch him, but it’s particularly strong at that moment. “Don’t be stupid,” he growls instead, “You’re no good to anyone when you’re exhausted. Go to sleep.”
Kim Dokja rolls his eyes. “Honestly, Yoo Joonghyuk, you’re worried over nothing. I’ve gone without sleep before, I can do it again.”
That such an infuriating man could give hope to so many others baffles him. That such an infuriating man is someone Yoo Joonghyuk is willing to die for is even more ridiculous. But this stubbornness is exactly why they’re all here today. He’s not as mad as he wants to be; he never is when it comes to Kim Dokja.
“Come,” he says, grabbing Kim Dokja’s arm, “I will make sure you sleep.”
“Yoo Joonghyuk!” He tries to pull away, but all that does is make Yoo Joonghyuk tighten his grip. “This is ridiculous! Let me go!”
He doesn’t bother answering. Instead, he drags Kim Dokja to his room and all but throws him on the bed. Kim Dokja sits up and stares at him.
“What has gotten into you lately?”
Yoo Joonghyuk considers. He wants to take care of Kim Dokja. Repay him for everything he’s doing for him, for all of them. He wants Kim Dokja to care a little more about himself, but until then, Yoo Joonghyuk is content with doing it for him. He wants to be gentle to the man who saved him, reminded him of the value of life, gave him a reason to continue on. He wants to hold Kim Dokja close so that he doesn’t die again, wants to protect him because one of these days his death will be permanent and that is the one thing Yoo Joonghyuk absolutely cannot survive.
He doesn’t know how to say all this. It gets caught in his throat, his chest. So he says nothing.
“Yoo Joonghyuk?”
Kim Dokja looks confused. Lost. There’s red in his cheeks and a tremble in his hands. It makes Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart ache.
He walks to the bed and guides Kim Dokja away from the edge. Kim Dokja lets him, watching his movement with wide eyes.
Yoo Joonghyuk climbs onto the bed, sits against the headboard, and pulls Kim Dokja to rest against his side.
“Yoo Joonghyuk?” he asks again, voice quieter, softer. Pressed against his side, with Yoo Joonghyuk’s arm around his shoulders, Kim Dokja feels vulnerable. Soft, like he might break at any moment.
Everything he feels tangles into a knot in his throat. What he wants to say won’t come out. Instead, he says, “I will stay and make sure you sleep.”
Kim Dokja stares at him for a long moment, then slowly, tentatively, relaxes against him. It feels like a testing of waters, a careful surrender.
It’s something Yoo Joonghyuk has noticed but hasn’t given much thought. Kim Dokja doesn’t touch others easily. If he does, it’s quick and easy to miss. A hand on a shoulder, a pat on the back, here for a moment then gone in the next. He keeps a physical distance between others, save for the kids, and Yoo Joonghyuk has to wonder, has anyone really touched Kim Dokja? Held him as Yoo Joonghyuk does now, let him know the warmth of others, how grounding the weight of another can be?
This is not a question he will ever have answers to. But he does know that he is holding Kim Dokja, can feel the weight of him on his chest, not an unpleasant weight but a comforting one.
Kim Dokja turns his face into Yoo Joonghyuk’s chest. When he speaks, his voice is muffled. “If you plan to sleep here, then don’t sleep sitting up. I don’t want to hear you complaining about a sore neck tomorrow.”
He doesn’t know how much time passes, but Kim Dokja falls asleep, relaxing completely as his breath evens out. In sleep, his face is much softer. He looks younger when he’s not planning how to save everyone but himself.
The sight brings back that ache in his chest, which hurts in the most pleasant ways. How lucky he is, to have Kim Dokja in this regression. As long as he’s here, Yoo Joonghyuk will continue on.
Lee Jihye is brighter in this regression. She laughs more easily and is quick to tease others. It makes him wonder what she was like before the scenarios, before she killed her best friend and walked out of that school as its only survivor. It’s hard to remember that there was a before that haunts everyone here, when it’s all Yoo Joonghyuk has known for years.
She’s not as strong as she was before, but that’s alright. There are others that will help her when she needs it. All Yoo Joonghyuk has to do for her in this scenario is teach her how to fight; Kim Dokja will teach her how to live despite everything.
In this regression, Lee Jihye is still a teenage girl before she is a maritime general. There are still days she wakes up in tears, gasping her dead friend’s name, and withdraws into herself for a few hours. In past regressions, this has made her fight harder, more recklessly, uncaring of her own safety. Now, Kim Dokja watches over her carefully, speaks to her in low tones, and sends Jung Heewon to comfort her.
Yoo Joonghyuk wonders how things could have changed if he reached out a little more. Had he been less focused on clearing the scenarios and more focused on helping those around him, could they have survived?
He knows the answer, and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He tries not to think about it.
Lee Jihye grins when she sees him walk into the clearing they’ve claimed for training. For a moment, as she sits on the ground holding her sword, Yoo Joonghyuk sees her dead and bloodied. Then she stands and says, brightly, “Master! What are we doing today?”
Yoo Joonghyuk takes a moment to focus on the present, then says, “Start with warm ups, then do your katas fifty times. Then I’ll show you how to disarm someone without getting too close to them.”
Lee Jihye beams and gets to work. Yoo Joonghyuk observes her for a moment; she’s steadily improving, but she could be stronger. They could always be stronger, because they are never strong enough.
(The memory takes over: Yoo Joonghyuk, not fast enough, not strong enough, not clever enough to outwit Kim Dokja. Yoo Joonghyuk, holding Kim Dojka’s dying body, helplessly watching as he turns to dust, ejected from the Star Stream, unable to save him yet again.)
Yoo Joonghyuk makes his way to the other side of the clearing and unsheathes his sword. He, too, needs to be stronger. Strong enough to take on the constellations. Strong enough to save Kim Dokja from himself.
He trains for a few hours, teaches Lee Jihye new attacks, spars with her to let her practice. She’s the only one he found this regression; the others all gravitate around Kim Dokja. He only needs to look out of her and Mia in this regression.
Even so, Lee Jihye, like the others, turns to Kim Dokja as well. Despite how often she teases him and insists she doesn’t care for him, she is deeply affected by his deaths just as the kids are.
They stop for lunch, and Yoo Joonghyuk leaves Lee Jihye to her own devices as he considers the hidden scenarios he could go after in this area.
“Yoo Joonghyuk, come here,” Kim Dokja calls from where he waits by the door. “Are you going after the hidden items?”
He makes his way to Kim Dokja, already wary at the calculating gleam in his eyes. “I am,” he answers.
“Great! Let’s go then.”
“I don’t need you to come with me.”
“I wasn’t planning on giving you a choice.” Kim Dokja smiles, and it makes Yoo Joonghyuk want to both shove him away and pull him closer. He keeps his hands carefully still by his sides.
“I can get these on my own,” he says, knowing that would never be enough to convince Kim Dokja to let him leave alone.
“That’s not going to stop me.”
He leaves first, without looking back to see if Yoo Joonghyuk is following; he is, of course. He’s always following after Kim Dokja.
And because this is Kim Dokja, he can't go two minutes without trying to cause problems. “I’ll be getting my share of the items too, of course. Don’t expect me to guide you without expecting payment.” He smirks at Yoo Joonghyuk, waiting for him to respond.
He grabs Kim Dokja’s arm. “Pull your weight and do some of the work and I’ll let you have some.”
“Ah, always so violent, Joonghyuk-ah, can’t you have one conversation without threatening the other party?” He tries to break free of Yoo Joonghyuk’s grip, but now that he’s got Kim Dokja close, he has no reason to let go.
“What part of this is threatening?”
Kim Dokja gestures to his captured arm. “Do you not have working eyes? Most conversations don’t require such brute strength.” Yoo Joonghyuk wants to laugh at that. When has Kim Dokja ever had a normal conversation? He’s either planning something that will piss off the constellations, or antagonizing everyone around him. He avoids normal conversations as much as he can, as though speaking genuinely to someone for the sake of speaking to them will make him break out in hives.
“You can let go,” Kim Dokja tries, still trying to pull away.
Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t bother to reply to that. He leads the way to the first hidden scenario in the area as Kim Dokja continues to struggle, then abruptly goes still, allowing the hold on his arm.
Another thing that Kim Dokja avoids: touch. Yoo Joonghyuk wants to keep him close, hold him at every opportunity, but Kim Dokja is quick to keep his distance and disappear. Even Yoo Joonghyuk has never been to physically isolated from others in past regressions. Kim Dokja seems touch starved, and that makes Yoo Joonghyuk want to touch him even more.
He slides his hand down from Kim Dokja’s arm to his wrist, and allows himself a small smile with Kim Dokja doesn’t try to pull away.
“What are you doing out here?”
Kim Dokja’s voice is the first thing in a few hours to break the silence on the roof. Yoo Joonghyuk sits near the edge, looking out over the broken world. Everyone had been hit hard by the last scenario, and he had to escape and be alone before he drowned in his own thoughts.
It takes a long moment before he finds his voice. “I wanted some time to myself,” he answers.
Kim Dokja hums and doesn’t leave. He sits behind Yoo Joonghyuk, barely any distance between them.
“Are you thinking about everything that went wrong? Comparing this to your past regressions?”
Like always, Kim Dokja knows exactly what he’s thinking. It’s a relief that he doesn’t have to explain it when Kim Dokja already knows.
“You shouldn’t focus on what went wrong. There are too many things to go over. You should focus on the fact that we’re all still alive, and we made it through another scenario.” His voice isn’t pitying or overly gentle. Kim Dokja speaks as though this is obvious, and Yoo Joonghyuk feels some of the tension in his shoulders lighten.
“Have you already begun planning for the next scenario?”
“Of course. But we’ll go over that tomorrow, after everyone’s had some time to rest.”
There is nothing more to say for the night. Yoo Joonghyuk focuses on the sound of Kim Dokja’s breathing, and leans back just enough that their shoulders touch. It feels like a hard-won victory when Kim Dokja doesn’t startle or shy away. Instead, he leans back against Yoo Joonghyuk, pressing their backs together. A weight drops onto his shoulder; Kim Dokja’s head, tilted back so he can look up at the steadily darkening sky.
They stay until the sun sets completely. It’s the first time he’s felt so at peace since the scenarios started.
That’s the first night Kim Dokja follows Yoo Joonghyuk to his tent and settles in besides him. He refuses to meet Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes, tense and nervous as though he wasn’t sure he was welcome.
Yoo Joonghyuk reaches out for him.
Kim Dokja reaches back.