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Seating charts for cultivation conferences were not simple things by any means. They required careful consideration of all the sects invited, their comparative levels of power, their comparative levels of ambition and self-conceptions of power, their personal preferences, and, of course, the goals of the hosting sect. All of which could change at a moment's notice. It was a complex balancing act, but one that Jin Guangyao prided himself at being excellent at.
He would hate to accidentally insult some sect leader he was attempting to cajole and it might be even worse to accidentally assist some sect leader he wanted to snub. He was careful and clever and the seating he arranged was perfect.
Or it would have been perfect if his sworn brothers hadn’t lost their minds.
Or possibly been possessed. Surely in a conference made up of all the greatest, or at least most wealthy, cultivators in the land, someone would have noticed such a possession before it came to… this.
Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue were powerful cultivators and long-term allies. They were sworn brothers! However at the moment, they were acting more like territorial beauties at a brothel, forced to compete for attention.
Lan Xichen had his normally sweet smile gracing his lips but a hard glint his eye while making pointed remarks about how the Nie knew more about hunger than restraint and could perhaps learn to be satisfied with what they have rather than think that a day’s feast was intended to continue a lifetime.
Nie Mingjue was a blunt man, who said what he meant and yet, here he was, commenting on how unfortunate it was to see the Lan languish in disarray as they spent so much time mouthing their ancestors’ words while being deaf to the opportunity to truly fulfill their ancestors’ wishes to promote harmony and devotion.
It wasn’t even a cultivation conference to discuss issues! It was the new Jin heir’s 30-day celebration! They were supposed to be eating and drinking and celebrating a new baby who couldn’t even hold his head up!
It was small consolation that pretty much everyone else was just as taken aback at he was. Even Jin Guangshan, who loved to see his own sect’s only true rivals being in conflict with one another, was obviously uncertain of how to proceed with this. Settling such disputes between sects was the role of chief cultivator, but so far both sides were mostly ignoring his interjections.
“Now, now, we’re all friends here. There’s no need for such harsh words.” Jin Guangshan tried to calm the situation.
Lan Xichen blinked with such obviously fake innocence before he asked, “Was I being too harsh with my words, Sect Leader Nie?”
Practically everyone in the hall recoiled and even Jin Guangyao flinched at those fighting words.
“Not at all, Sect Leader Lan,” Nie Mingjue crooned right back, as if to a small child. “I’m sure you’re merely tired and out of sorts after a long day.”
It was still solidly in the afternoon. None the less, Jin Guangyao jumped to introduce some more refreshments since at least if people were eating they might be less inclined to be speaking. Especially the Lan who had a rule against talking while eating.
As a distraction, it didn’t work.
Lan Xichen offered a toast to the Nie sect's creation of a new form of musical cultivation and congratulations on his ability to so quickly incorporate such a disparate technique into the traditional Nie style.
Jin Guangyao wasn’t even sure where the insult was in the words, but they were obviously intended to provoke.
Nie Mingjue thanked Lan Xichen for the well wishes but demurred from the congratulations claiming that it would take a lifetime to truly incorporate such a new technique. “It can hardly be considered done in a year, nor even in a lifetime.”
Lan Xichen actually scowled at that.
Sect Leader Su jumped in where so many others feared to go, with an aggressive, “Do the Lan think they’re so grand that they control all musical cultivation?”
There were a few mutterings in the crowd at that. Jin Guangyao even had a moment of concern himself about the thought. The Lan were the most powerful and famous sect to focus on musical cultivation but most sects dabbled in it occasionally. The Lan trying to claim ownership of all musical cultivation would be a stretch but not an impossible one.
That concern was easily dismissed when Lan Xichen didn’t even directly acknowledge the accusation.
“The Nie’s new technique is surely entirely unique and such a fascinating advance in musical cultivation. I’m sure it will draw many regular visitors. Even masters among the Lan would surely visit as often as you would allow.”
Su She looked enraged and mortified as the muttering in the crowd had taken on a hint of laughter. Everyone knew that the Moling Su sect was heavily based on the Gusu Lan skills and traditions and there was little unique about them. No Lan master or even student would bother trying to learn anything from the Moling Su Sect.
“Well, the Nie will always welcome our close friends and family among the Lan, who can come visit as often as they’d like! We are already brothers, are we not, Sect Leader Lan?”
Jin Guangyao didn’t think he’d ever heard a more angry declaration of alliance than that.
The only person who seemed utterly resigned to the situation was Lan Qiren, who finally spoke up to interrupt the stare off and say, “Yes, yes, our Sects are close allies and you two have been good friends since childhood. Which might explain your current childish behaviors.”
Lan Xichen briefly looked chastised.
Then Nie Mingjue smirked. “Some children just never learn how to share.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk!”
“Are we really going to do this here? Again?” Sect Leader Jiang was pouring himself a cup of wine while looking deeply judgmental of his two elders.
“MY BROTHER IS NOT GOING TO MARRY OUT!”
The fact of Lan Xichen of all people shouting was so mind boggling that it took a moment for the words to even sink in.
“I don’t see why not!” Nie Mingjust shouted back. “It's not an insult! He’s practically moved in to the Unclean Realm already!”
“It’s theft! His home is at Cloud Recesses!”
“Cloud Recesses doesn’t even allow pets! He has a whole field of rabbits that no one is allowed to eat!”
Sect Leader Jiang drank his cup of wine and set about pouring himself another. Jin Guangyao looked at him and knew a whole new level of jealousy. Somehow it had come to this: for the first time in his life, Jin Guangyao wanted to not be involved a political conflict.
Unfortunately, his two sworn brothers hadn’t thought to let him know about this particular conflict but also hadn’t let him stay out of it.
He hadn’t thought anything much of Lan Xichen’s quiet request that he include an extra table among the Lan delegation for the person that Lan Wangji was courting. It was a bit unusual but it was an easy enough addition to make. He had looked forward to seeing which Sect was going to rise in prominence from such a connection.
He had given even less thought to Nie Mingjue’s casual mention that his own delegation would include a visiting disciple among the Nie disciples.
What they had apparently both meant but refrained from sharing with him is that they were trying to poach from one another and now Jin Guangyao's perfect seating chart included two different assigned seats for both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in two different delegations. Jin Guangyao wanted to claw their faces off. All four of their faces and maybe his own as well.
He wondered if this is what a qi deviation felt like.
Sect Leader Jiang drank another cup of wine before setting the cup down with a resounding clink, and saying, “Since this conflict seems insurmountable and the Jiang Sect is the one that attempts the impossible: let me propose that the happy couple both marry into the Jiang. I would welcome them and the Jiang is quite capable of paying two bride prices.”
He didn’t have even a hint of flush to his cheeks that would signal that he was drunk. Instead there was a certain malicious twist to his lips. Jin Guanyao would need to keep an eye on him since clearly he was mad as well and devoting himself to evil.
Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue had easily ignored both Jin Guangshan and Su She, but they froze at Sect Leader Jiang’s words. They turned as one to look at the youngest sect leader, outrage clearly evident on both faces.
Jaing Cheng just raised his eyebrows in challenge, while casually shifting his sleeve to pour another glass of wine with the added benefit of making it clear that Zidian was present and ready if the fight got physical.
“He is the best baby in the world!” Wei Wuxian’s bright tones interrupted the stand-off. “Clearly takes after his mother! Ah, Lan Zhan, you think so too, don’t you?”
“Mm,” Lan Wanji agreed as they entered the room.
Jin Guangyao gave them a brittle smile even as he appreciated how abruptly the tension in the room had been masked. Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen were back to ignoring each other, since apparently they were trying to hide this conflict from its instigators. If it had involved anyone less oblivious to matters of politics than Hanguang-Jun or the Yiling Patriarch, he would have considered it an impossible task. Given that it was them, he assumed they wouldn’t notice even if someone directly told them how ridiculous their respective sect leaders were being.
In the meantime, he allowed himself to fade into the background of the party long enough to tell a servant to do an immediate re-arrangement of the dining area, to remove the extra seats from each of the Lan and Nie delegations. They did not get to have this fight at an event he was responsible for.
It was an extremely odd feeling to have the moral high ground when both his sworn brothers appealed to him, but they should know better.
At least things remained mostly calm through the remainder of the celebration. His sworn brothers kept their sniping to themselves, and whenever the rest of the guests attempted to address either Lan Wangji or Wei Wuxian, the conversation always took an abrupt turn towards Wei Wuxian extolling the virtues of young Jin Ling, rarely diverted and never for long.
Jin Guangyao was uncertain how much of that response was an intentional ploy and how much was purely Wei Wuxian being obsessive about his nephew and Lan Wangji being possessive about standing by Wei Wuxian’s side.
Luckily, Nie Huaisang volunteered to keep those two, or four, out of trouble, which allowed Jin Guangyao a chance to not have a qi deviation and go on a murder spree.
Also a chance to spend more time quietly doing paperwork in the out of the way storage space he had temporarily taken over as his own. His father had been pleased to leave him in relatively small rooms, working more often in storage spaces than in office spaces. His father hadn't realized how much access to information such freedom of movement, forced though it was, gave him. Or maybe he did. Jin Guangyao frequently brought information about various conspiracies to his father, hoping to receive his love and support in return.
This particular storage room shared a wall with the rooms that Young Madam Jin was using to meet with all the guests and present young Jin Ling.
He could happily get his paperwork done while keeping track of which guests were making what conversations.
It was a treasure trove of gossip, especially since Young Madam Jin routinely turned the conversation towards whatever was happening in her guests’ lives and they would freely tell her all the details that they would never admit to in public. It was amazing.
It wasn’t until the celebration was over and all the guests had left, however, that he overheard the conversation that changed everything.
Madam Jin and Young Madam Jin were relaxing in the room after their last guest had left.
“Well, it’s going to be quiet around here after this!”
"I must admit that I find the ladies quarters of Koi Tower much quieter than I am used to."
"Hmph, it's been a difficult battle to ensure they stay quiet and not filled with Guangshan's interest of the day."
"Hmm, I understand how unpleasant it must be to not be on better terms with your husband, but surely keeping to yourself in these quarters is not improving matters."
Jiang Yanli was either braver that people gave her credit for or even stupider.
"And what do you think I could do to "improve" matters, as you say?" Madam Jin's voice was acidic, kept quiet merely by the presence of her new grandson on her lap.
"Since Jin Guangyao has been legitimized as my husband's brother, surely his mother should be given a memorial plaque."
"You think!" Madam Jin's voice shook with rage. Jin Guangyao's mind had gone completely blank in a way he'd never experienced before. He had no thoughts at all. They were all wiped away, clean, leaving his head empty and echoing.
"It wouldn't go into the family shrine, of course. Meng Shi was not a wife or even a concubine, but her son should have the chance to pay his respects and to know that he had a parent who loved him. A parent who watches over him."
"I will never acknowledge that snake!"
"He is not a snake, respected mother-in-law. He is a young man, trying his best to find a path in the world that is beset with rocks."
"And why should I care about that!" Madam Jin hissed like the snake she accused him of being.
"My mother was deeply unhappy, as you know. She wanted more from her marriage than my father was able to give her, and she took it out on everyone around her. Including my brother, A-Xian. Even though A-Xian is the son of Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren, he was a brother to A-Cheng and myself. But my mother would not accept that and she convinced the cultivation world to not have it either. So now A-Xian is a disciple of the Nie Sect. And possibly soon to be the Lan Sect," there was quiet humor in her voice, but it drifted away mournfully, "but not the Jiang Sect."
"Oh A-Li, I know you want what is best for your brother," Madam Jin said softly and comforting, like a proper mother, even as she refrained from actually acknowledging the issue that Young Madam Jin had brought up.
"Wouldn't it be good for ZiXuan to have brothers to support him?"
Jin Guangyao nodded judiciously from his own position on the other side of a thin wall, unseen and unknown by the ladies talking in their rooms. It would be to Jin ZiXuan's benefit to have family who supported him. It would certainly make his own life more difficult, given his vague plans to set up a situation in which Jin ZiXuan and Jin ZiXun came into mortal conflict with one another. But it would definitely be a benefit to Jin ZiXuan.
"I thought I might even ask if there are any other brothers, or sisters, that my husband could have at his side."
"You cannot be serious!" Madam Jin sounded as appalled as Jin Guangyao felt. Other brothers and sisters? As soon as the thought was introduced it was obvious to him that they must exist, these unknown half-siblings of his. But to find them and elevate them due to nothing more than blood, when he himself had struggled for so long and sacrificed so much to achieve legitimacy would be like drinking vinegar.
"Given your husband's ways, I am certainly serious about identifying my husband's sisters." For the first time Jiang Yanli's voice took on a hint of acid herself. "Who knows where they might be, after all?" She continued euphemistically, but the appalled silence that followed made it obvious that Madam Jin understood the implications.
"He does... like his ladies to be... young." Madam Jin finally whispered, appalled.
"Would it not be a good idea to find them and bring them here? For their protection?" Jiang Yanli was stills peaking softly, kindly, like she wasn't talking about the kind of search that might validly lead to the downfall of another chief cultivator. If Jin Guangshan had fathered a daughter on a prostitute and then left her to grow up in a brothel, it would be bad. If he had ever slept with her himself, it could genuinely send him into permanent seclusion, shunned by the entirety of the cultivation world.
Jin Guangyao had dreamed of many things regarding his father's fate. Had dreamed of being hugged to his side as a beloved son, and just as often had dreamed of cutting him down as thoroughly as he had Wen Ruohan. He had dreamed of bringing him to ruin, of paying prostitutes to fuck him until he died of a heart-failure and then continue to desecrate his corpse.
He hadn't bothered to dream of ever bringing the man's shame to the public eye and having the public care. It seemed too unrealistic a dream.
"You've never said anything about such a thing before." Madam Jin's voice broke the silence, her tones hushed in the way that Jin Guangyao recognized too well as the hush of contemplating treason.
"I love Jin Zixuan very much. I am pleased and proud to have married him. But being his wife is a very different thing than being the mother of the chief cultivator's first grandson." Jiang Yanli spoke gently and calmly with no more hush to her voice than she'd had before, the acknowledgment that her newborn baby was still sleeping in the room.
It was true. Jiang Yanli's presence at Koi tower had meant little, even after the elaborate wedding ceremony. But Jin Ling's birth changed many things and one of those was firmly establishing Jiang Yanli in a position of power. He had always disregarded her, even so, because she never seemed to use that power. She still acted like a courting maid, focused on her husband, or even like a member of a lesser sect, even going so far as to befriend the kitchen staff. He had considered her soft and kind, and also blind and weak. It should have occurred to him before that his own smile and deferential appearance made people think he was blind and weak too.
"You spoke of bringing in the sons not just the daughters."
"My husband should have family around him. And who can be closer than a brother?" Jiang Yanli said, and this time Jin Guangyao was aware enough to think about what Jiang Yanli was actually saying. Who could be closer than a brother? The answer was surely: not a cousin. Jin Guangyao had been quietly seeding unrest between Jin Zixuan and Jin Zixun, although really it had been more a matter of maintaining and cultivating the unrest that was already there rather than truly starting anything new.
He didn't need to see Madam Jin to imagine her slow nod of understanding.
"And their mothers?"
"Your husband has betrayed you countless times," Jiang Yanli said with sad sympathy. "I think it might be time for you, and for them, too, to start counting."
Jin Guangyao took a moment to consider if he had ever heard a more threatening declaration of revolt said in softer manner.
If his mother had been bought out of the brothel, if she had been brought in as a concubine, then surely his father would have attempted to set her and Madam Jin against each other. But if it had been Madam Jin who rescued them from the brothel instead of her husband, if they owed their place to a scorned wife rather than to the rich husband, might not their loyalty have gone to her too? His father had surely left many scorned women in his wake.
Just then there was a soft cry of the infant Jin Ling waking up dissatisfied in some manner. There was a rustle of robes as the infant was soothed and the two ladies rose to leave to another room.
Jin Guangyao stayed absolutely still, on his own side of the thin wall. If he had moved to leave as well, they might have realized that someone had been there, able to listen in. He routinely told his father what he learned when listening to various conversations. He wanted to show that he was a good son, a son worthy of his place in the family. Now, he wondered. This was a conspiracy yes, but he wasn't sure anyone else would even be able to recognize it as such. Nothing had been said about deposing the sect leader, nothing had been said about gaining power or performing theft or assassination or even blackmail. Would his father even recognize the forces that were amassing around him?
He had once read an account of a man who had lived by the ocean, talking about the danger of the undertow. How even as the waves crashed to shore with sound and fury, it was the undertow that dragged men out to sea and held them until they drowned. Jiang Yanli didn't have the sound and fury of the waves, but he was beginning to think she might have the deadliness of the undertow.
Madam Jin and Young Madam Jin had left long enough ago that he wouldn't risk running into them in the hallway when another voice spoke up from the room they had just left. It was a young woman's voice, although one he didn't recognize. Probably one he'd never heard before. She spoke breathlessly, nervously, "do you think she'll really do it?"
"Shh." Another voice answered, another maid servant. "Nothing is done yet. Don't speak of it yet."
"But, my sister's child..."
"Are you so stupid that you didn't notice? There's a reason you are a maid to Young Madam Jin and a reason they spoke in front of us as if we were not there. And a reason too that we work always in pairs.”
“She said her mother’s maids…”
“Her mother’s maids were assassins who only cleaned house in the political sense, so you stick to your dusting, remember what is said, and say nothing.”
“Yes, senior.”
Behind his wall, Jin Guangyao mouthed his own “Yes, senior.” It was good advice: remember what is said and say nothing.
In the next week, Madam Jin gave him a memorial tablet for his mother. He thanked her with real tears in his eyes and swore, honestly, that it would be his most treasured item. He still remembered that conversation and said nothing.
Young Madam Jin herself put Jin Ling in his arms, allowing him to hold his nephew for the first time while Sect Leader Jin was absent but Jin Zixuan was present and did not object.
He remembered every word of that conversation and still said nothing.
It was a relief to be sent to the Unclean Realm by his father, using the guise of a friendly visit with his sworn brother to discover why so many of their trade relationships with various merchants were being modified in ways that favored the Nie over the Jin.
The first thing Jin Guangyao noticed as he approached the Unclean Realm was the appearance of a variety of extremely large banners of quiet beautiful calligraphy.
The second thing he noticed was how relaxed and happy Nie Mingjue was.
Since he wasn’t sure how to ask about the surprisingly good mood, he looked at the large banners with their beautiful calligraphy. "You finally let Huaisang buy those large brushes he wanted?"
Nie Mingjue sighed. "No, I did not."
"Then how...?" That was most definitely Huaisang's flair.
"I thought leaving him in charge of the Sect for a while when I was absent would teach him responsibility. I was just going to visit Lotus Pier. There was no war. Nie Zonghui was right here in case he got in over his head."
Jin Guangyao found himself grinning at the growing list of rationalizations. "Mm."
"It should have been fine!"
"Mm."
"Instead, he let the power get to his head. He's uncontrollable!" Despite the words, Nie Mingjue continued to stroll placidly, keeping a pace slow enough that Jin Guangyao didn’t have to rush to keep up. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t felt rushed while walking next to Nie Mingjue and his normal quick stride.
"Mm."
"He's taken over the Sect finances and isn't allowing me to take them back!"
"Mm." Jin Guangyao found himself thoroughly amused, both at the image of Nie Huaisang taking more responsibility than his elder brother had intended then refusing to return it and at having the reason for his visit so easily answered. He’d need to have a conversation with Nie Huaisang later and see what he could learn.
“He’s spending a ridiculous amount of money on a ridiculous number of things!”
“Mm.” Jin Guangyao didn’t mention that apparently those ridiculous purchases were building enough goodwill among the merchants to give them good bargains in other ways. Either that, or Nie Huaisang was simply incredibly good at negotiating trade agreements. Or possibly both.
“Including those calligraphy brushes larger than Baxia, that he somehow manages to use without complaint despite claiming to be too weak to practice with his sabre.”
Jin Guangyao was actively laughing now. “Is he also the reason for the new musical cultivation that I hear you’ve introduced?”
“No, that was something else, although he’s also taken on much of the responsibility for it as well.” He sounded so proud of his little brother and it was startling to realize how rare that had been when he had still been a member of the Nie Sect. Nie Mingjue had loved his brother with forthright sincerity, but he hadn’t been proud of him.
“I hope you will indulge me in letting me listen.”
“There will be a performance tomorrow. We can both attend. I warn you, though, the primary instruments are drums.”
“Ah.” Jin Guangyao tried to think of something polite to say in response to that but mostly came up empty. Drums were a peasants’ instrument at most. A peasant or a barbarian.
Nie Mingjue just laughed at his struggle though and said, “They fit our cultivation style better than guqin or flute.”
It was true that drums seemed more fitting for the Nie than either guqin or flute, but it also seemed like an insult to say it or even agree with it being said.
He was skilled at the guqin. His mother had taught him how and Lan Xichen was teaching him some cultivation with it, although only things it was okay for outside disciples to know. But he liked spending time with Lan Xichen and the liked the control of the strings and he had mixed feelings about how he must look while playing it. He was a slight man with elegant fingers and he knew he must look scholarly and beautiful while he played. Most of the time it made him feel pleased. Except sometimes when people commented on his looks, how he must look like his mother, how this must be what his mother had looked like when she had played for Jin Guangshan and other clients at the brothel.
That evening he saw both Nie Huaisang and the drum maker. He should have known that Nie Huaisang would find a way to purchase drums as if they were works of art. Nie Huaisang had also found a way towards a flirtation that looked suspiciously like a courtship with the drum maker's apprentice, a young lady with arms that would fit right in with the Nie Sect, but who's smile was just as whimsical as Nie Huaisang's.
There were more banners around the courtyard that the drum performance was going to be in. Jin Guangyao had to take a moment to appreciate them. They weren’t just banners: they were talismans. Massive, beautiful talismans.
Normally Huaisang showed more interested in delicate work, but he did enjoy making statements too. And these were the most ludicrous statements of ostentatious privacy that Jin Guangyao had ever seen. Massive silk banners with gorgeously drawn talismans that kept sounds from spreading.
And then, over the entranceway, a new label for "Beware the Mountain's Heartbeat" where it had once said "Training courtyard number five".
The courtyard was lined with drums, from the size of a small wine barrel to nearly twice the height of a grown man. They must have cost a fortune. A crowd of Nie Sect disciples were all stretching and chatting, Wei Wuxian among them, with Lan Wangji standing out in his pure white robes among the green and grey. They all looked pleased to see their Sect Leader present, although somewhat less pleased to see Jin Guangyao. He mentally shrugged; they could put up with his presence if he could put up with theirs.
He was expecting to endure the performance patiently, compliment Nie Huaisang and his lady on their accomplishments, and then go back to commiserate with Lan Xichen about how much better the music of Cloud Recesses was. Because seriously: how could drums compare at all to the guqin and flute of the Lan?
The performance even started with Wei Wuxian on his dizi and Lan Wangji on his guqin.
They played together beautifully. It started out as a song of yearning, but slowly it built in tension. The tension grew tighter and the notes higher, and he listened carefully. They were building to something, to a conclusion that was hinted at but never quite fulfilled. It was lovely but increasingly seemed to be almost a summoning.
What it summoned was the drums, and he smiled in pleasure at that beautiful manipulation. It was well done.
The smaller drums started and it was like rain.
Then the larger drums started and they were like thunder, like being in the heart of a storm. A cymbal crashed and it was like lightning across the sky. The ground itself reverberated. He wasn't even aware when or if the flute and guqin had stopped. The storm raged on and he could feel his pupils dilate, as if it truly were a dark and stormy night. It was dark and stormy and something was coming. His breath came in pants but there was no fear, just expectation.
Then the largest drum, the drum he had thought must be purely decorative, whose skin must have been made from yao or other demonic beasts to have gotten that large, began, and it felt truly like being in the heart of a living mountain. His whole body was the drum and his heart beat with ever strike. His spiritual energy circulated through his body. The air itself was full of power. He thought his very eyes might be glowing. His breath was fast but deep now. It had to be. This was a battle, this was winning a battle. This was joy in battle that he'd never quite understood before but now was impossible to not know.
It was an hour before the drums finally stopped. It was too soon and not soon enough. He needed it again. He needed it every day. Every morning and every night.
He wasn't sure what his face must be doing but he knew he had lost complete control of it. He wasn't even sure how to get it back under control. He wanted that drumming. He thought about getting a drum at Koi tower and it was a paltry thought. A single small drum alone in his rooms? It could never be enough.
Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were playing together again but it was impossible to pay any real attention to them. He was still grateful for the sound. The memory of the drums echoed in the blood in his veins. If there had been true silence at this point, he might just have shattered entirely. He felt shaky and fragile. Like the long night after every successful battle.
Nie Huaisang stood beside him merely looking smug, while waving his fan. Jin Guangyao had to turn away from him before he grabbed him and shook him and explained that no matter if this was Nie Huaisang's creation, Nie Huaisang clearly didn't understand!
On the other side of him, Nie Mingjue looked amused but also sympathetic, and it was infuriating but also comforting. Nie Mingjue put a hand on his shoulder, shook him slightly, and said, "Yeah, it can be like that. Do you want to learn how to play them? You'll have to work up to the bigger drums, get your arms stronger, but sometimes what a person needs is the ability to hit something as hard as they can and have the very ground shake in response."
"Yes," he agreed, before he even realized he was speaking. "Yes, I want that. I need that." He could hear the desperation in his own voice.
He wasn't supposed to want or need anything from Nie Mingjue, not anymore, and certainly not to admit to it. His father was in conflict with Nie Mingjue, even though it wasn't outright warfare. His father wanted him to help undermine Nie Mingjue, to weaken him, and maybe he could, but even if that was what his father wanted, and even as he wanted to support his father, to be a good filial son, he couldn't turn away from Nie Mingjue's offer. He would tell his father it was a way to better study the Nie, the better to find their weaknesses. It could even be true. But it wasn't the reason he would stay, that he would learn, that he would return as often as he possibly could.
He was successful at Koi tower with all the delicacy and nuanced words that the politics and conspiracies of the Jin Sect required. It fit his appearance and his skill set well, the small and delicate and venomous. But wasn't what his soul called out for. His soul was filled with rage and injustice and an unending need to be heard, to be acknowledged. This was the heart of the mountain and a place where all his rage could be turned to power and power into sound and the whole world could hear the screaming of his existence mattering.
He had to get away from Nie Mingjue. He made his excuses about returning to his room to rest for a while.
Nie Mingjue didn’t look like he believed him but also didn’t stop him. He tried to go to his rooms, but it was too quiet. The mountain’s heartbeat still echoed in his core.
And then, of course, when he was least able to control himself, he ran across Wen Qing.
He looked at Wen Qing and she looked at him. He wondered if anyone else in the world could see them each as they saw each other. They had both worked closely with Wen Ruohan up until the very end.
They both knew what it was to perform loyal when true loyalty was impossible. Wen Ruohan had been one of the few people to whom one simply couldn't be loyal. His madness had gotten to the point that any stable relationship was inherently unstable due to his changing behavior. And thus, their own relationships had to be just as fluid and subject to change merely to maintain their safety.
He had once thought himself better than Wen Qing, even as he noticed their similarities, because he had no ties at all to keep him bound. They had both escaped Nightless City at the end, him to fame and fortune and her to anonymity. But her ties to her family had dragged her down into near ruin, while his own lack of family or friends had allowed him to rise even into legitimacy in the Jin Sect.
And yet, here they both were. "How are your family?"
It was only after he asked that he realized that it could be taken as a threat. Back in Nightless City, such a question would have been a threat.
From her flat look back, she was unsure if it still was and wasn't interested in taking chances on him. "I am well. And you?"
Her answer avoided answering his question but also answered it completely. She wouldn't consider herself well if her family were not well too. He paused before answering, because there were two ways he could go. He could answer that he was very well, which was true: he had achieved his goal and been legitimized by his father. He was becoming a power in the Jin Sect.
And yet, he could also say even more honestly, "I'm not sure." Because he was at a crossroads in his life as well as in this conversation. He had a new name, his father's name, and a place in his father's house, and yet, it wasn't enough. It didn't fill the hole inside him the way the sound of those drums had. The way the energy and the anger and the resentment all found a voice and a release in the pounding of the drums, and made him wish he were just Meng Yao again and back in the Nie Sect. He didn't regret killing that guard captain or gaining the fame and fortune his mother had hoped for him. But now that he had done so, he didn't want to be his father's man anymore.
Wen Qing looked unimpressed, but she so often did. It was an odd kind of comfort. "If you're not sure, then you might as well come into my office and let me check you out."
"There's nothing physical..." he started.
"Do you think I don't know about the more complex reasons for not being well? Consider who my most famous patients are."
Her most famous patients were Wen Ruohan and the Yilling Patriarch. She had a point there. He followed her into the hospital room and let her take his pulse and examine his meridians.
"Huh. The drumming really did work for you, didn't it? In case you didn't notice, it really is a new cultivation technique."
"I... no... I didn't know that." And Nie Mingjue should have told him before inviting him to watch too.
Wen Qing sniffed. "It's still in development, but it... shakes things loose. Keeps energy from going stagnant. As far as I can tell, it's relatively safe. You'd have to be there for a full day before it became overwhelming. Which isn't to say that I haven't had to kick a few disciples out who tried to go for a full day."
"It seems like it could be... addictive."
"Only for idiots. They can get the same rush by practicing their flying."
"Are there any symptoms of overdoing it?"
"Dizziness, shakiness. Ringing in the ears, although that's as much from the drums themselves as the cultivation techniques."
He took a moment to consider that and then said flatly. "I'm somewhat dizzy, and definitely shaky."
She shrugged. "Yes, but it's also symptoms of it working."
"Your bedside manner hasn't improved."
"Why would it? Now tell me what's actually troubling you."
"And why should I?" He tried to dimple up at her, but she looked as unimpressed as ever.
"Because you're shaky and dizzy and can regret your words later, but right now, you need to get your thoughts out in the open."
And it was all too true. Too true and what did he have to lose if he wasn't sure what he even had right now to begin with. "I'm not sure I know how to be loyal."
She snorted. "Why would you? You haven't had much opportunity to practice."
"I had Nie Mingjue, back when I was under his command."
She waved that away. "If you want to learn how to be loyal, focus on Jiang Yanli."
"I... you know, don't you. You know what she's... doing."
Wen Qing raised her eyebrows at that, but then shook her head. "Not at all. I just know that she's very good at being loyal to the people she's loyal to. She's good at seeing complex people and still being loving in a simple way."
Jin Guangyao thought of the memorial tablet he now had for his mother. He kept it in his room and was able to burn incense to it. Madam Jin had been the one to give it to him, and the price had been clear, that she was expecting to buy his loyalty in exchange. And he was willing to sell a certain amount of loyalty for that too. It was fair. It was even. And yet, he also knew that the real reason he had that memorial tablet was because Jiang Yanli had thought he should have it. She saw complex people and understood them and yet still acted with simplicity. It was as good a summary of a person as he'd ever heard.
"Will it be enough, do you think?"
Wen Qing shrugged. "Who knows? Take my advice or don’t. I don’t care. But if you ever betray her, if you ever strike her down..." Wen Qing left the threat hanging.
"I would never!" Jin Guangyao was genuinely offended. It was odd to realize how true his reflexive defense was. Even as he had been considering ways to kill her husband, before he'd realized that Jiang Yanli was more than she'd first appeared, he'd never once considered actively harming her.
She was like Lan Xichen in that way: she was kind and the world was sadly lacking in kindness.
"I think, you might be right. I could learn to be loyal to Jiang Yanli."
“Well, as you think about, go away and do a few sword forms. Your spiritual energy seems to be settling from the drumming and you’ll get the most benefit if you practice now. If you’re going to take up with the drumming circle, remember: quiet meditation before, sword practice after.”
He would remember.
He stood up and the hint of dizziness was gone and the shakiness did feel like something that might go away with a proper workout.
“You really are a doctor first, aren’t you? You’re in the Nie because they allow you to be a doctor here.”
“It’s the only real way to survive, figure out what you are and refuse to let people change that.”
“I would have said the opposite: figure out what people want and find a way to become that.”
“I know that’s what you think. But you’re wrong.”
“I’m not. But I’m wondering if you’re not wrong either.”
She looked as unimpressed with him as ever and shooed him out of the room. He allowed himself to be shooed. There was a small out-of-the-way training yard that he had used when he was still with the Nie. He could work off the shakiness there and maybe consider the doctor’s advice. It might be time and past for him to figure out who he was and then stop letting anyone else, not even his father, change that.