Chapter Text
Light apologizes again to Soichiro Kagami but Sayu is obviously too hysterical to take much of anything in. Soichiro, a Japanese police officer, seems sensible enough to explain this to her later. She’ll be fine. She’s a normal girl with a supportive family. Besides, ultimately? She’s not Light’s problem.
Stalking back into the House Light makes a beeline for L’s office.
He doesn’t restrain himself from slamming the door.
“You’re ridiculous,” L snaps, still coiled angrily.
“And you’ve got a lot of fucking nerve!” Light seethes.
“You’re not a super villain Light!” L barks. “You’re an emotionally constipated brat!”
“You’re right!” Light laughs bitterly. “And you’re right about other things too! I love you, I love the kids! But caring about people is hard for me! I can’t care about a stranger! Least of all when you spring it on me!”
“If you’d just trust me--!”
“I do trust you!” Light seethes. “But you need to listen to me! I have a family! I have a home! I’m happy! I don’t need strangers!”
“I just—”
“You just need to talk to me!” Light booms. “You don’t get to make unilateral decisions for both of us! This is exactly what I was scared of! This is exactly what I mean when I say you try to treat me like a sidekick!”
L’s shoulders sag.
L glares at his knees, chewing it all.
“I’m going to calm down.” Light huffs. “Don’t follow me until you’re ready to apologize for this obscene stunt.”
Light slams the office door shut after himself again as he stalks back into the foyer.
Ryuk, Mello and Near are all sitting on the stairs. Ryuk looks nonchalant but the boys are wide eyed and stunned.
Near opens his mouth, obviously packed full of questions, but—
“Move.” Light hisses.
The children scamper out of his way and Light trudges up the stairs.
The boys will probably ask L what happened.
Light doesn't much care what L tells them.
Light throws himself on his bed, burying himself in the sheets. He’s so angry. Angry L tried to make such an important decision for him. Angry L sprung something like that on him. Angry he had to have such a stupid conversation with hysterical strangers.
He doesn’t care Sayu was upset. He doesn’t know Sayu. And, yes, maybe that’s not a normal reaction but that’s how Light feels and trying to expect him to feel anything different is almost cruel. He is what he is and he’s trying not to apologise about that anymore but if L wants him to be ‘be himself’ than L needs to accept what that self looks like and its limitations.
He loves Mello, Near, Matt…
But he raised them.
He doesn’t know Sayu form a hole in the wall. Why is it fair to expect him to upturn his whole, happy, life for someone he’s never even missed?
Knock-knock.
“It’s open!” Light snaps.
It’s a little too soon to be L, he suspects.
“So then,” Ryuk saunters in, sprawling on the bed next to Light. “Want to fill me in? What happened?”
“Ugh,” Light strains. “It was a disaster.”
“He want you to take in some kid?” Ryuk asks, folding his hands behind his head.
“I wish!” Light huffs, lifting his head out of his forearms. “He wanted me to play house with my long lost sister.”
Ryuk laughs.
“It’s not funny.” Light hisses.
“It’s kind of funny.” Ryuk counters.
Light buries his face back in his arms.
“He’s really not taking the old man dying well,” Ryuk grunts, “is he?”
“Huh?” Light hesitates.
“Duh,” Ryuk snorts, as if it’s obvious. “You think it just gave you an existential crisis?”
“What’re you talking about?” Light demands.
“You’re dealing with this whole thing one way, trying to pull that stick out of your ass before you really do snap and kill someone from having to play a Stepford Wife all the time,” Ryuk grunts, “but Detective Fuckface was with the old man all time the time, every day, from what Mello says, and now he’s having to act as an independent adult. Which is probably terrifying enough but you’re the only other person he respects, clearly, and every time he tries to cling to you? You freak out and push him away.”
Light freezes.
Light’s brain ticks over for a few seconds.
He feels like he’s overheating.
“He’s making bad decisions because he’s in pain,” Light computes, like he just got slapped in the face.
“Yeah.” Ryuk quirks.
It’s so obvious.
“Ryuk,” he glances, baffled. “When did you get a braincell?”
“Not sure,” Ryuk shrugs nonchalantly.
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” Light reels.
“You’re the genius, I thought you just didn’t care,” Ryuk grunts.
“Ugh!” Light screams into his pillows. “Damn it Ryuk! Now I have to apologize!”
Ryuk laughs at him.
“Son of a bitch…” Light cusses, pulling himself off the bed. “Get out of my room, shoo!”
“Okay! Okay! God…” Ryuk complains.
Light swears into his hands. Fuck. Fuck shit fuck. Groaning Light rests his forehead against L’s door, contemplating the handle. He always hates this. He and L have always avoided apologizing to each other, ever since they were small, they just both hate to lose so much. It’s probably why, as children, they joined forces against others so often. Because it was easier to fight other people than each other. Too many weapons, too much insight, too much ego… As much as they thrill to argue with each other they can devastate each other in unique ways.
Light takes a deep breath.
“It’s open!” L calls irritably.
Cussing Light opens the door.
“Remembered something else you want to yell at me about?” L rues sprawled on the bed with his phone in hand.
Light climbs onto the mattress taking L’s phone out of his hand and putting it on the bedside table.
“I’m not ready to apologize, even if you’re right,” L warns petulantly.
“I know,” Light murmurs, “but you need to come here.”
“Why…?” L hesitates.
“Because I’m starting to think I should give you a pass on that apology, just this once,” Light murmurs, “because I’m starting to think you need a hug more than I need an apology.”
L falls very quiet.
Light lays back, against the pillows, and opens his arms.
L doesn’t need more permission than that to secure his arms like vices around Light’s hips and bury his face in Light’s stomach. Light curls his hands around him, stroking that thick, tousled, hair gently.
“I’m sorry,” Light whispers, “you’re in a lot of pain, aren’t you?”
“I wouldn’t…” L hesitates, obviously debating his options. “Yes.” He admits slowly, surrendering to the truth of it now they’re alone, together, and Light is willing to listen.
“I’m sorry,” Light cradles his head in his hands.
“I’m just…” L sighs, arms never easing their vicious grip around him. “What if I lost you too? I’d be all alone. There are lots of people I care about, honestly, but very few people who understand me, who I respect, who I need…”
Light, for once, tries to shut up.
“I miss Able, I miss Beyond, I miss Watari,” L murmurs sombrely, “but you leave me Light I don’t think I could cope. You don’t have to be with me every second but if we couldn’t be active, present, parts of each other’s lives, I think… I don’t think I could handle that.”
Light rubs his back.
“I didn’t used to mind so much, when you slept with other people,” L admits, “but nowadays I just… I worry. You don’t care about them but what if you find someone you do start to care about? What if I lose you to someone less difficult? What if I have to share you? I’m greedy. I don’t want to share you. I know I’m special in your life, I know no one can replace me, but I don’t want anyone to outrank me either.”
Light digests for a moment, considering his words carefully.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises.
He’s a vicious animal. When he’s held too tightly he panics but, at the same time, he understands L’s instinct right now is to hold on for dear life. He’s lost one of the most crucial people in his life. He…
“Grab me with both hands,” Light murmurs, “crush me. Don’t let me go.”
“But—” L lifts his head.
“I want you.” Light promises. “More than anyone. But my instinct is to keep a wall between myself and everyone around me, even you. Don’t let me.”
“So what am I supposed to do?” L snorts, tired.
“Let me scream, let me kick, just don’t let go.” Light whispers. “Cause as much fuss as I make I won’t run away from you. Deep down I never want to leave you.”
“Are you sure…?” L whispers.
“Silence my thoughts,” Light whispers, “just hold me tight.”
L takes that in for a moment, mapping the corners of Light’s face in the dull of his darkened bedroom, and then, surging up, pulls Light under him.
Light feels a surge of panic, instinctive and wild, run through him. It’s a natural resistance. He shies away from being pinned as much as some wicked part of his core craves it. He wants to kick, to squirm, but he tries, for L, to trust and hold still.
L kisses him, hard and deep, mouths locking.
Light embraces the way his brain shuts off.
The fear is still there but the scheming is gone.
He can’t fathom a counterattack when L kisses him.
L kisses him ceaselessly. He seems to sense the weakness, the chink in Lights’ armour, or maybe he can literally feel the way Light’s heartrate slows under his hands when they kiss.
Light’s hands fumble over his face, hiccup through his hair, and L fights to strip them, slow and steady, without their lips every being more than a few centimetres apart.
Skin, so much skin…
Light’s certainly no virgin, let’s be clear, but there’s something different about crawling into bed with someone he perceives as an equal. Light has fucked pretty toys, people he can destroy with a curl of his fist, but L won’t be so easily ripped apart even if Light retaliates.
There’s a very real chance L could hurt him back, destroy him.
That’s terrifying.
Light’s head rattles with that feeling but L is also, well, L.
L who’s always looked out for him, L who’s always met him on a level playing field, L who’s always understood him…
Light curls his arms around L, grasping at his bony shoulder blades, tasting L’s last peppermint tea on his tongue as the detective’s tongue slides into his mouth again.
God, why is there so much skin between them?
Every time they slide against each other, brushing and imprinting, another braincell flickers off like a bulb in Light’s head.
He tries to embrace it.
But he suspects some things will only get easier with practice.
He trusts L, he does, but Kira doesn’t trust anyone.
L kisses down is neck, hand working up and down his thigh, warm and calloused.
“I think that was the first time,” L murmurs.
“Huh?” Light peaks out from around his panic.
“Today, when you screamed at me,” L tries to explain, “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say you loved anyone. Let alone said it and meant it. Said you loved me.”
“I do,” Light whispers, “you piss me off, but I love you.”
“I love you,” L promises, “you’re inescapable. I can’t ignore you. You can be sitting in a room, perfectly quiet, and you’re screaming at me to pay attention to you.”
Light draws him back, kiss wetter, slower, and L kneads his hip against the bed.
“I want to give you my complete attention.” L warns, kissing his clavicle like he’s plucking a string.
Light moans, thoughts and thighs decidedly gooey as L kisses down his chest.
Air.
He needs air.
But everything is hot and tight.
His lungs, his guts, his fingers…
He swallows, letting his head slump back.
Is this what sex feels like when you actually care about someone? Is this love over desire? Is this what all those stupid civilians were prattling on about in their gaudy love songs? God no wonder they never shut up.
L’s hand drags up over his knee, batting his legs apart lazily, and Light tries to blink at the ceiling as it slides back between his legs and strokes over his cock.
“Fuck…” Light hisses.
“Can I…?”
“Don’t ask.” Light reminds.
“The act isn’t option, just the position,” L clarifies. “I need to be so tangled up in you they can’t tell us apart.”
“It—” Light moans, stuffing his knuckles into his mouth but L batts his hand away and keeps stroking. “Fuck—Ah—Fuck me. It’ll be easiest.”
“Stay still.” L orders, like some doctor to a patient.
Light’s legs slide shut, instinctively, but L pries them apart again and settling between his thighs again with a bottle of lubricant starts working him open on those clever fingers.
One…
“Fuck,” Light hisses.
Two…
“God, fuck…” Light presses the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, trying to focus.
Three…
He can’t stop moving his hips, rocking into the slick thrusts.
“Please,” Light hisses. “L…”
“Comere,” L tugs him up.
L sits them on the edge of the bed, Light in his lap, and pulling him down—
Light lets the moan rip through him from his gut as he sinks down onto L with a little encouragement. God, yes, of course the genius has a perfect cock. Damn it. That’s not fair. He might never get anything done again.
L rocks Light on his cock, Light tries to help but his thighs are such jelly all he can really do is get fucked while he kisses every ruffled, sunken, corner of L’s old fashioned face. He’s like a fucking baroque painting, the asshole.
Light moans. He hates the sounds coming out of him right now but he can’t control them. He can’t control anything. He is, for the first time, so impossibly helpless.
“I love you,” L whispers.
“Ugh, fuck,” Light holds him tight, pulled down hard on his cock.
“Come on, Light,” L teases. “Don’t make me beg.”
“Wha—? Aah,” Light purrs as L bounces them together again. “You too. I—You too.”
“Full sentences,” L tuts, lifting him up and yanking him down with a little more urgency.
“I—Fuck—you—I—”
“Technically,” L nibbles his jaw, “I’m fucking you.”
“I love you too,” Light garbles, head rolling back. “Fuck, fuck…”
“You going to cum with me then?” L murmurs, voice tighter.
“Yeah, yeah…” Light pants hurriedly.
“Spasm around my cock and let me fill you up?”
“I—Oh fuck!” Light yelps in a strangled voice and L yanks him down hard on his shaft.
Light cums in tremors, whiting out behind his eye lids.
He feels L thrusting up into him, hard, unloading heat and slick cum but he’s such a tangled mess he can barely keep himself upright between the spasms.
L pulls them both back onto the bed, slumping together.
Light feels like he ate a rat in the night.
He’s sore and sticky.
Hs hair is stuck to his forehead.
But L is warm and snoring nasally tucked against his back so it’s not all bad.
Light rubs his face, smacking his lips together. Lord what did he swallow? His mouth tastes like ass. Light eases up onto his elbow and scratches his head weakly.
“More sleep, less sit.” L grunts, eyes never opening.
“I have work.”
“Call in sick.” L orders.
“You can’t call in sick to parenting,” Light argues, shuffling to sit on the edge of the bed.
L rolls onto his back, cracking one eyelid open begrudgingly.
“Those kids love you,” he whispers croakily.
“I know,” Light yawns.
“Do you really not love them?” L wonders, no judgement laced in his voice.
“I love them, I think, but in my way.” Light sighs. “Just like I love you in my own awful way.”
“Right,” L grins, eyes shutting again.
“Another day, more to win, right?” Light laughs weakly.
“World won’t conquer itself, Mister Kingmaker.” L agrees.
Light smiles, tired but satisfied.
“I’m sorry about that stunt yesterday,” L murmurs.
“It’s alright, I’m sorry for not realizing sooner you were hurting,” Light rues. “But you’ll fuck up again and I’ll miss an emotional cue again and we’ll work it all out again. Over and over.”
“For always,” L nods sleepily.
This isn't always going to be easy, them together.
But, Light must confess, it's worth it.