Chapter Text
Naruto does a hard doubletake over Sasuke's shoulder and the three-way spar comes to a stuttering halt when they see Kakashi sitting by the small fire, surrounded by ANBU in grinning masks and white armour speckled with blood.
Kakashi is picking out the rabbit meat that's cooked, tosses it up to the ANBU. One, a mouse mask, breaks off and starts rummaging through Kakashi's pack.
Sasuke shifts his stance, watching the newcomers warily. Team 7 is just heading out, maybe four days out from Konoha. The ANBU look like they're returning. Why would they need more gear now? Why steal food from a genin team?
"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura calls out.
Kakashi has one leg tucked in, the other knee propped up. "Maa, what's that look for? Don't try and stab an ANBU, it won't end well."
"Are you being bullied?" Naruto asks in confusion.
Elephant laughs and then groans quietly, subtly hunching over her ribs.
"I called them over," Kakashi explains, his eye curving up in amusement. "It's good to be nice to ANBU." He glances to the meat still cooking. "And anything tastes better than soldier pills."
Mouse pulls away from Kakashi's open pack, clutching medical gear. The ANBU snatch the rest of the meat and they all vanish.
Kakashi claps his hands. "Well, if you want dinner, go catch some more rabbits."
"Wait," Sakura looks out to where the ANBU just left. "Do you do this all the time?! I though the food was disappearing because Naruto was eating it all!"
Naruto splutters.
Kakashi shrugs. "Whenever they pass by, I drop off something."
Sasuke gets just about zero sleep the entire mission because he's too busy trying to catch sight of the next ANBU group that passes by.
Asuma swaggers into the clearing of the training ground, little genin trotting after him.
Kakashi is sprawled over a tree branch, head in his palm and reading Icha Icha Frontiers while his own puppies are on strength training below.
"Kakashi," Asuma calls out. "I lost a bet, and now I owe Shikamaru a jutsu."
"Good luck," Kakashi muses, flips a page.
Asuma claps his hands together, offers up a sheepish smile. "Come on, why bother collecting that many and not show off?"
Kakashi flips a page.
Asuma sighs, scratches his beard. "Isn't it our duty, as teachers of Konoha, to take care of the next generation regardless of our own personal connections?" Asuma pauses. "Actually, no. These are your kids too, I've seen them toddle after you, and I demand you take responsibility. As your friend, Kakashi, I'm getting very concerned how you're picking favourites with your genin-"
"Maa," Kakashi sighs. "Fine, just stop talking or you'll call Gai. He can smell Youthful Spirit of Friendship from halfway across the village."
Asuma gestures for Shikamaru to take the floor.
The genin taps his fingers together, thinking. "My releases are fire and earth-"
"One hundred and twenty-seven," Kakashi says.
Shikamaru pauses.
Kakashi sits up, book closing around his thumb to keep his place. "If you wanted jutsu that can be used equally by both releases. Different hand signs but the same core concept."
Naruto throws up a hand and flails it. "Wind! I want wind release!"
"Maa, Naruto, you barely have chakra control." Kakashi eye-smiles. "I don't think you can be trusted."
Naruto staggers from that blow.
Shikamaru purses his lips. "I want B-rank or above, something I can work towards." He pauses. "Nothing over S-rank."
"Forty-three," Kakashi says.
"Offensive," Shikamaru clarifies.
"Thirteen."
"Multiple targets."
Kakashi pauses. "Two."
Shikamaru tilts his head. "What would you pick?"
Kakashi drops off the tree branch and tucks his book away. He demonstrates the earth version, thin spines punching up out of the earth where he stomps, spiking outwards in a full -if a bit jagged- circle. It casts shadows, perfect for the Nara techniques.
Kakashi gestures around him. "The fire version is a horizontal burst instead."
Shikamaru nods, closely examining the javelins. "I can meet you tomorrow to start?"
"He's busy tomorrow," Sasuke cuts in, stepping up. "Busy teaching me every single lightning release jutsu he has." Sasuke throws a glare at the man.
Kakashi shrugs. "You didn't ask?"
"I didn't know you were a library."
Kakashi comes to a stop when a large bug that seems oddly familiar flops itself over page sixty-nine of Icha Icha Cougar. It's making sad noises at him.
Kakashi tilts the book so it’s settled better and the bug toddles towards him and starts gesturing around.
"Oh no," Kakashi gasps. "Is Shino stuck down a well?"
The bug gestures harder.
"Is Shino lost, boy?" Kakashi asks. "Did he trip over? Is Shino too distracted reading Icha Icha to train?"
The bug starts slapping Kakashi's thumb.
Kakashi chuckles and boops it on the head with a finger. "Okay, show me where."
Five minutes later, Kakashi finds Hinata with her arm stuck in a tree because she punched it too hard, Kiba and Shino flailing around in worry.
A tree dies but at least the Hyuuga Heiress isn't trapped.
Kakashi whips around the missing-nin and goes back-to-back in one smooth movement, one foot bracing the bandit's inner step, the other hooking around an ankle.
Kakashi drops into the splits, hard.
The missing-nin is forced to follow with their feet locked like this and the breath is punched out of the man's chest. He drops the kunai. Curls inwards and wheezes, high-pitched.
Kakashi flips backwards over the missing-nin, lightly slips to his feet, and drags the bandit up by the hair to ram a knee into the shinobi's face. Drops the man after he's done.
Naruto bends over, puts his hands on his knees and sucks in a breath. "I think I felt that."
"That is my most insulting move," Kakashi says, factual more than proud. "Doesn't work on people flexible enough and leaves yourself open to attack - which just compounds the insult because you only use it on people so much weaker than you that it's basically bullying."
"Positively gut-wrenching," Sakura agrees.
They spend a moment looking at the downed man, who made the unfortunate mistake of attacking the genin with the assumption that their teacher was too far away and didn't have the nose of a blood hound.
"I want to learn it," Sasuke says.
"Then I'll have to quit the team," Naruto responds immediately because oh, look, he does have self-preservation.
Kakashi settles into a slouch, sitting back against a tree with his poncho tucked tight around him and Icha Icha Snowy Mountain in hand because it's too cold this far north for any other part of the series and he has the first half of the night watch anyway.
Naruto shoves his way between Kakashi's back and the tree, diving into the poncho even with his legs sprawled outside.
Sakura tucks herself into Kakashi's side and half slumps over his lap, pulling the front of the poncho over as much of her as she can manage. Sasuke bullies his way over and arranges Kakashi's legs over himself like a blanket.
"I am a real person," Kakashi points out.
Sometimes it's like the they forget that. They just assume Kakashi does nothing else except cater to their needs, like the thought of Kakashi having a life outside the nine genin is so ridiculous it doesn't even occur to them.
Kakashi is walking through the village and gets besieged by genin all the time, sometimes ones he hasn’t even met, and they all give him those awful puppy dog eyes, and now the ANBU are copying it - and Kakashi doesn’t even know how that works with an ANBU mask on but it’s very effective.
Sasuke grumbles into Kakashi's hip. "Quiet, I want to sleep."
"You don't own me," Kakashi mutters.
Sakura watches as one ANBU slips out of Kakashi's tent. And then two and three, before finally Kakashi himself pops out with a stretch.
"Huh," Sakura says.
Kakashi blinks. "Good morning."
"Morning," Sakura greets. And then mutters, "I wonder how big the full harem is?"
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."