Chapter Text
Seeing Yoongi breaks something inside of him. Taehyung had managed not to cry the entire time he was on the plane. He fell into a fitful sleep, spending the entire flight with his temple against the window, having nightmares about Jimin. He woke, groggy and disoriented, as the plane began to descend and slowly gathered his things, shoving them into his backpack and cradling it against his chest. People move around him, gathering their bags and getting ready to leave the plane, but Taehyung sits in his seat, staring out the window.
He feels empty, completely drained of energy and emotion. He's probably numb, maybe in shock. He fishes his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket to check the time. It's dead, no amount of pressure on the power button turns it back on. Taehyung wonders if Jimin has tried to call or text him, if Jimin even cares. Shoving his phone into the front pocket of his backpack, Taehyung finally stands and joins the queue of passengers in the aisle.
His limbs move woodenly, as if he's on autopilot as he goes through the terminals, through customs, through everything. When he steps through the doors toward baggage claim, he finally pauses, stepping to the side as people stream past him. It doesn't feel real, that he's back in Seoul already. He feels like the past day must have been a dream, his - how many was it - five? Five hours in New York feel like a fever dream at this point. He's exhausted and cold and he just wants to go home. Everything will be fine, once he -
"Taehyung-ah?"
Yoongi's voice, deep and gentle, breaks through Taehyung's thoughts. Taehyung whips his head up, seeing Yoongi standing a few meters away, watching him. Yoongi's cheeks are puffy and his eyes are red-rimmed. He looks just as exhausted as Taehyung, and his eyes are so wide, so worried.
A sob claws its way up Taehyung's throat, like nails and broken glass forcing their way up and out of his mouth. He doesn't know how it happens, but suddenly he's leaping forward, throwing himself at his roommate as his backpack falls to the ground, and he's sobbing so hard it hurts. Arms are around him immediately, pulling him against a firm chest and squeezing him tightly, as if they could hold him together.
"I'm here, Taehyung." Yoongi's voice again, so low, barely a whisper, right in his ear. Yoongi's voice sounds raw, as if he's trying not to cry as well. Taehyung sinks into a crouch and Yoongi moves right with him, not trying to pull him up or stop him, just holding him tightly.
"Hyung," Taehyung rasps, between back-breaking sobs.
Yoongi strokes his hair with one hand, the other still wrapped around his back. "Hyung is here," Yoongi murmurs, burying his face in Taehyung's messy hair. "I’m here."
It should be embarrassing, people are most likely staring at them. Staring at a man having a complete breakdown on the floor of the airport as another tries to comfort him. But Taehyung can't bring himself to care, can't stop the waterfall of tears that stream from his eyes, can't hold in his choked sobs. His heart is shattering all over again, the sudden realization that all of this is real, that it really did happen, hits him so suddenly.
Taehyung was in New York City. Taehyung saw Jimin and held him, touched him, spoke to him. Jimin found the letters and rejected him, spectacularly, and kicked him out. Five hours in America were enough to have his heart completely broken, five hours was all it took. Though, the actual shattering itself barely took five minutes. Five minutes of Jimin sitting on his bed, staring at Taehyung with so much hurt in his eyes that Taehyung wanted to melt through the floor. Hurt he put there, hurt he caused.
Dimly, belatedly, he becomes aware that Yoongi is speaking to him. His voice is a low rasp and Taehyung realizes, also quite suddenly, that Yoongi's voice is choked. Yoongi is crying, his face buried against Taehyung's hair as he talks quietly. "I'm here Taehyung, I'm here. I'm sorry, hyung is so sorry. This is all my fault, I should have never done any of this. I'm so sorry, Taehyung, please forgive me."
Taehyung barely understands the words, doesn't know why Yoongi thinks he has done anything wrong. He had only tried to help, tried to push Taehyung to confess and be happy. It's not Yoongi's fault that Jimin doesn't love Taehyung back.
No, that's probably Taehyung's fault. It's his own fault for not being good enough for Jimin. Not smart enough, social enough, clearly not handsome enough. He has never been enough and he will never be enough, he should have accepted that sooner.
"Hyung," Taehyung rasps, his throat feels like it's on fire. "I want to go home."
Yoongi's soft voice, soothing and kind, cuts through the whirlwind in his mind again. "Of course, Tae-yah, of course. I borrowed Jin hyung's car, let's get your bag and then we can go, okay?"
Taehyung doesn't respond, just allows Yoongi to slowly unwrap his arms and stand. Taehyung feels instantly cold again as Yoongi lets him go. But Yoongi pulls him up and links their hands, his palm warm and grounding in Taehyung's grasp. "I've got you," Yoongi insists, turning to Taehyung and swiping under his eyes with his thumb.
Taehyung can see tear tracks on Yoongi's own cheeks, see the way his lips look chewed and raw. "Okay, hyung," Taehyung whispers, hoarse and tired.
Yoongi squeezes his palm and leads him toward baggage claim. He doesn't let go of Taehyung's hand at all, not when he's stepping forward to awkwardly lift Taehyung's suitcase, one-handed, off the belt. Not when he's walking them out of the terminal, dragging Taehyung's suitcase with him. He still hangs on when he fumbles with the keys to unlock the car and open the door. It's only after he has Taehyung settled in his seat, Yoongi gently pulling the seat belt over him, that he lets him go.
"Just going to put your bag in the trunk, I'll be right back."
Taehyung clutches his backpack to his chest as Yoongi shuts the door and hurries around the car. He hears the trunk open and close and then the driver's side door opens and Yoongi is there, sliding into the seat and starting the car. "I'm here," he insists, probably seeing the broken expression on Taehyung's face. "I've got you."
Taehyung's throat constricts as he nods, a fresh wave of tears beginning to trail down his cheeks, and Yoongi steers them out of the parking garage. Once they're on the street, Yoongi's hand slides across the center console and grabs his own again, holding tightly, reminding Taehyung he is not alone.
>>><<<
Warm water pelts Taehyung's legs, warming his chilled skin and trailing down to the tile. He's sitting on the floor of the shower, back pressed to the wall and legs pulled up to his chest. His arms are wrapped tightly around himself, chin resting on his knees. Time seems to be standing still, steam obscuring his vision. Taehyung isn't sure how long he's been in the shower, how long he's been on the floor. But the room is foggy, his fingers are pruned, and he's still cold.
"Taehyung, I'm so sorry."
Taehyung closes his eyes and sighs, the shaky breath spilling from his lips. Yoongi is on the other side of the shower door, sitting against the wall. Taehyung hadn't wanted to be alone, and Yoongi hadn't wanted to leave him. "You don't have to be sorry."
"This is my fault," Yoongi insists. "I told you to confess, I told you to go to New York, I put those letters in your bag." He pauses and laughs wetly. "I swear to you, I never meant for that to happen. I thought you'd open your bag and see the letters and maybe you'd get a burst of courage? I don't know, it was fucking stupid. I shouldn't have pushed you, Tae, I -"
"It's not your fault," Taehyung interrupts Yoongi's rambling. "It's not your fault that Jimin doesn't love me."
A beat of silence and then Yoongi speaks again. "Jimin loves you, Taehyung. I'm sure he was just confused and surprised. He loves you, Taehyung, I'm not sure why he said he doesn't."
Well, technically Jimin hadn't said that. But he hadn't needed to. "He doesn't love me and it's not your fault."
"Well it's his fault then," Yoongi snaps. "He's an idiot if he doesn't love you, Taehyung. You're everything to him."
Taehyung can't help the laugh that bubbles from his lips, though it turns into a sob before the end. "It's not his fault, it's mine. I was selfish and there's no reason Jimin would ever love someone like me."
"Someone like you?" Yoongi repeats, voice carefully neutral.
Taehyung doesn't respond, just buries his face in his knees. He is not good enough for Park Jimin. Not for beautiful, effervescent, perfect Park Jimin. Park Jimin is talented, beautiful, and smart. He is kind and vivacious. And Taehyung is...Taehyung is Taehyung. Jimin needs someone beautiful and skilled, someone who matches him. Someone like Lee Taemin, another beautiful dancer.
Two years, Taehyung has been in love with Jimin for a grating, pathetic two years. Two years he has selfishly loved and hoped. He knows he's the cause for some of Jimin's relationships ending, no one wanted to put up with the clingy best friend. Thinking their relationship was odd, too close. Jimin should have cut him off already, should have kicked him to the curb.
Soulmates. It's laughable, he doesn't know why Jimin called them soulmates if he doesn't love him, if he doesn't feel the same way. Taehyung could have done it, he could have stayed on the sidelines and watched Jimin grow and bloom and be happy. Happy without Taehyung, happy with someone else. But now he has ruined everything and he will be alone.
"You know..." Yoongi's voice cuts through Taehyung's thoughts. "I used to have a crush on you."
Taehyung blinks his eyes open, surprised. He turns his head, staring through the opaque glass of the shower door. He can't see Yoongi, but he knows he's there, just on the other side. "No you didn't."
"I did," Yoongi insists. "It would have been hard not to, you're amazing Taehyung. You're smart and handsome, and so kind to everyone. And you're so passionate about the things that you love, that's what drew me to you. How much you throw yourself into everything, whole heartedly, without question. It's enviable, inspiring."
"That's not a crush."
"I didn't finish," Yoongi continues. "I already said I thought you were handsome. When Hoseok introduced us, I thought you were so hot." Yoongi laughs quietly. "I was going to ask you out. But then, when was it, the third time I saw you? Jimin was there too. I saw the two of you together and I knew I didn't have a chance. It was clear you were in love with Jimin, and very clear he was in love with you."
Taehyung wonders how things might be if Yoongi had asked him out. Taehyung loves Yoongi, considers him another best friend. It's why they're roommates, Jimin's parents would only pay for an apartment if he lived alone and Taehyung thought Yoongi was the next best choice. Though, honestly, Yoongi was probably the first best choice, Jimin is messy and Yoongi is neat and takes care of him. It's a good arrangement and Taehyung is grateful for it.
But that's not the point, he's getting off track. If Yoongi had asked him out… would Taehyung have said yes? He might have, maybe, especially if Jimin was dating someone else. Could he have dated Yoongi, loved him like that? Maybe it would have helped him get over Jimin, maybe he and Yoongi would be together right now, in love, happy. But it feels weird when he thinks about it, it doesn't feel right.
Maybe there is a world where Taehyung could have been happy with Yoongi. Where the cuddling they do would mean more, where Yoongi would kiss him and tell him he loves him with a different intention. Maybe there is a world where that is enough, a world where it feels right.
"I'm sorry," Taehyung says softly.
"Why are you sorry?" Yoongi asks. "I wasn't mad. And besides, Namjoon and I met in Music Theory a week later. I love you Tae, but Namjoon is..." he trails off, sighing dreamily.
Taehyung smiles despite himself, happy that his hyung is at least happy, that he has someone he loves, someone to love him. Taehyung would give almost anything for that. "Do you think we could have been happy?"
Yoongi hums, the sound barely audible over the shower. "Maybe, I don't know." Yoongi pauses. "I don't measure up to Jimin, I don't think you would have ever been completely happy. You might have been happy enough, loved me enough, but I'm not Jimin, and that's okay."
“I love you, Yoongi hyung,” Taehyung mumbles.
There’s a soft sound through the shower door that Taehyung can’t quite name. “I know, Tae. I love you too. And I’m happy now, obviously, with Namjoon.”
"And now I have no one," Taehyung whispers, so quietly he's not sure Yoongi can hear him.
"You have me," Yoongi insists. "You have me and Namjoon. You have Hoseok and Jungkookie and Seokjin hyung. You have all of us and we love you." There's a beat of silence. "And you have Jimin."
Taehyung swallows a sob. "I don't, not anymore."
"You do," Yoongi insists. "Just give him time, Taehyung. Maybe you should call him? I plugged in your phone."
The thought sounds overwhelming, makes him feel a little nauseous. "Has he texted me?"
Yoongi hesitates. "No."
"Has he texted you?"
Another pause, longer this time. "No."
"Anyone else?"
"I don't - I don't know." It feels like a lie. Taehyung wonders if Yoongi has talked to him, or maybe one of their other friends has. He doesn’t push.
He could be wrong, maybe Jimin hasn't even bothered to see if Taehyung is alive, if he got home. It feels like Taehyung is alone and Jimin doesn't even care anymore.
"It's going to be okay, Taehyung," Yoongi says softly.
Taehyung doesn't think it is. Not when his chest feels like it's caving in, when his body feels so heavy, he's not sure he can even move. "I want to go to bed."
"Do you need help?"
Taehyung feels pathetic, but he's not sure he could stand up by himself if he had to. "I'm sorry."
Yoongi clicks his tongue and Taehyung hears the sound of shuffling outside the shower. "Don't apologize. I'll take care of you."
Taehyung looks up as the shower door opens and Yoongi looks down at him, face crumpling at the sight of Taehyung curled on the floor. He reaches out and turns off the shower. "Come on, Tae." Yoongi helps him stand and runs a towel gently over his skin.
Taehyung feels like he should be embarrassed, ashamed, standing naked and vulnerable in front of his friend. But he just feels sad and tired, and so, so cold. Yoongi scrubs at his hair and then wraps the towel around Taehyung's body, tucking an arm around him and walking him to his bedroom.
"I changed your sheets for you," Yoongi says as he sits Taehyung on the edge of the bed. "And did your laundry." Taehyung sits on the edge of the bed, feeling boneless and weak, as Yoongi dresses him in sweatpants and a t-shirt.
As Yoongi moves toward the door Taehyung can't help the whimper that leaves him. "Please don't leave."
Yoongi freezes, turning back around. "I was just going to get the -" He stops, taking in Taehyung's expression. "Okay." He comes back toward the bed. "Come on, I'll tuck you in."
Taehyung allows Yoongi to pull back the covers and curls up on his side, closing his eyes when Yoongi slides in next to him. Yoongi's arm wraps around his middle, his chest pressed against Taehyung's back.
"Don't leave," Taehyung whispers again, feeling tears prickling at his eyes again.
Yoongi squeezes him tighter. "I won't," he promises. "I'm here."
>>><<<
When Taehyung wakes up the next morning, Yoongi is still in bed with him but they've switched positions. Yoongi is curled in a ball facing away from him, Taehyung wrapped around his back. His nose is buried in Yoongi's hair and Taehyung is very aware that it is Yoongi's hair. Yoongi's citrusy shampoo and the slight cedar hint of his cologne fill Taehyung's senses. It is comforting, soothing, helps him feel safe. But it's not the sweet coconut and mint scent of Jimin's hair, the strawberry scent of his skin.
And Yoongi doesn't feel like Jimin in his arms. Yoongi is Jimin's height but he's all angles and edges, bony elbows and knobby knees. It's a little like snuggling with a pile of sticks with a decently squishy butt. But Jimin is soft and smooth, lean muscle and soft curves, feeling warm and right when they cuddle together. Jimin fits so perfectly in his arms, slots against his front like a puzzle piece, their edges lining up. Cuddling Yoongi is nice, but it's not cuddling Jimin.
Jimin.
Taehyung's trip comes back to him all at once, his conversation - fight? - with Jimin comes back to the surface. Jimin finding the letters, Jimin looking at him with hurt and shock. Jimin telling him to leave. Taehyung pushes his nose harder against Yoongi's neck, seeking comfort as the feelings crash over him again. Jimin does not love him, Jimin does not want to be with him. He was offered the apprenticeship in New York and will return there after this year ends. Jimin will fade away and replace Taehyung in his life with Lee Taemin.
And Taehyung will be alone, unable to find someone to replace Jimin. He knows he can't, no matter how hard he might try. He could get a boyfriend, go on dates, hook up with guys at parties. Guys with pretty smiles and flirty laughs that look like Jimin under dim lights, in dark corners of bars. He's found them before, had one night stands and hook ups with cute twinks that tossed their heads and trailed teasing fingers down his chest. He'd imagine they were Jimin when they were touching him, when they were on their knees in front of him, when they were beneath him. Taehyung is well aware of how pathetic it is. It's been a while since he's done that, it started to hurt too much.
"What are you thinking so hard about?" Yoongi rasps, startling Taehyung.
Taehyung pulls his face away from Yoongi's neck. "How did you know I was awake?"
Yoongi shifts. "You're squeezing me so hard I thought I was going to burst." A pause. "And my neck is wet."
Taehyung blinks at that, realizing suddenly that he is crying. He didn't even realize it was happening, but the tears on his cheeks are definitely real. He sniffs and pulls back, curling in on himself. Yoongi rolls over, sliding an arm around Taehyung's waist.
"Everyone wants to see you," Yoongi says softly. "Do you want to see them?"
"Do they know what happened?"
Yoongi bites his lip and nods. "I'm sorry, I didn't give details but -"
"It's okay." Taehyung closes his eyes. Yoongi's hand slides along his back, rubbing soothing circles over his t-shirt. "It's better that they know, I guess." He opens his eyes again, finds Yoongi watching him. "I'd rather just be alone for now."
Yoongi nods. "Do you want me to go?"
No. Yes. Taehyung doesn't know.
He would like Yoongi to stay, to hold him and tell him it's going to be okay. But Taehyung doesn't really feel like it's going to be okay and he doesn't really want to hear those words right now. He wants to curl up in his bed for a while and try to forget.
"I'd just like to be alone for a little while."
"Of course," Yoongi says, squeezing him once before sliding out of the bed. "I'll make some rice porridge and leave it on the stove for you, okay?"
Taehyung nods against his pillow. "Thank you, hyung."
"I'm here if you need anything, Taehyung." Yoongi smooths his hand over Taehyung's forehead, brushing his bangs from his eyes. "Just call if you need me, yeah?"
"I will."
Yoongi lingers for a moment but finally steps away, giving Taehyung one last backwards glance before he leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him. Taehyung's hand slips under his pillow, touching soft fluff. He knows what it is before he pulls it out, his stuffed bear from Jimin. He curls around it, burying his face in the soft fur of its tummy, and lets himself cry.
>>><<<
The park is nice. It's warm, the sun is on his face and the wind ruffles his hair. Taehyung sits on a bench, his notebook on his lap, camera beside him. He doesn't know how long he's been out here, but he needed to get away. Yoongi has been trying to help, to cheer him up and make him food. But it's been too much, Taehyung feels smothered. And he can see how drawn Yoongi looks, the bags beneath his eyes. Yoongi has been staying in the apartment with him, hovering and sleeping with him every night.
Taehyung feels guilty about that. Well, he feels guilty about a lot of things. But right now he feels guilty about Yoongi. Making him worry, making him tired, monopolizing his time. So Taehyung had texted Namjoon and asked him to come over, saying he was going out. As soon as Taehyung let him in, Namjoon had scooped a very disgruntled Yoongi off the couch and they had disappeared down the hall. Taehyung will give them a few hours. He's sure they need to talk and… other things.
It's a nice day and Taehyung figured he should leave his room, leave the apartment, remember what the sun feels like. It's good to sit outside, there are a couple of dogs playing in a grassy patch ahead of him and he can't help but smile as they roll and lunge at each other. But then his gaze cuts to their owners, two girls around his age holding hands and cuddling on a bench. And then the smile vanishes.
It's been - three? Maybe four days, since Taehyung got back to Korea. Time seems to be moving in fits and starts, slipping through his fingers and dragging in turns. Time will slow to thick molasses as he lays in bed, staring at the wall, and speeds up again a moment later, hours vanishing. Jimin has a little more than two weeks left in America before his program ends and he will return to Seoul. Return for a few months and then disappear again to New York.
They have not spoken since Jimin told him to leave. Jimin has not reached out to him and Taehyung has not tried either. He doesn't know if Jimin has talked to anyone else in their friend group, doesn't know if Jimin even cares. All Taehyung knows is that this is the longest he's ever gone without talking to Jimin. It's like a hole in his chest, a horrible empty chasm filled with Jimin's hard, teary eyes. There was no love in his eyes, none of the fondness he normally sees. Just hurt, just confusion, just betrayal.
Everything feels dull again, the colors of Taehyung's world are muted. He feels like he's wearing sunglasses in doors or at night, goggles that he forgot to take off. Things are fuzzy and pale and Taehyung just… exists.
He looks down at his notebook, at the first line of writing.
Dear Jimin,
Nothing after that, just scribbled out words and lines. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to write. It's not like he'd send it anyway. But he's out of words, he's used up everything he knows and now he doesn't have anything to express himself. He doesn't know how to explain, how to say they can just go back. Just forget it happened and Taehyung will pretend. They can pretend together and everything will be normal.
He tears the page out of his notebook and crumples it up, shoving it into his backpack. He noticed, when he finally unpacked his suitcase, that the letters weren't there. Jimin must have kept them, maybe accidentally. Taehyung wonders if he read the rest, rest all of his words and saw all of the pictures. There were a good two dozen letters there, maybe more, each one more pathetic than the last. Maybe Jimin threw them away, maybe he burned them. Maybe he shared them with Taemin and they laughed at him.
Jimin wouldn't do that. Not the Jimin he knows. But the Jimin he knows - the Jimin he knew - was not the person who sat on that bed and told him to leave. He's not sure who that Jimin was, but it wasn't his Jimin.
>>><<<
"Hyung, are you okay?"
Taehyung blinks, refocusing on his laptop screen and Jungkook's voice in his headphones. "Sorry, what was that?"
"You just got flung off that cliff, are you lagging?"
Taehyung notices his character is now at the bottom of a cliff with half their health bar gone. He's not paying attention. "I'm sorry, just got distracted."
He and Jungkook have been playing for a little over an hour. Taehyung had been standing on top of a mountain in the game, listlessly staring at the screen, when he had gotten Jungkook's co-op request. They had connected in voice chat and Jungkook joined his game, immediately asking Taehyung why he was just standing around when there was adventuring to be done. It was surprisingly adorable and Taehyung had shaken some of his melancholy off, joining Jungkook in fighting bosses and exploring the world.
"So..." Jungkook begins, after Taehyung has joined him on top of the cliff again and their enemies are dead. "What's up?"
"What do you mean?"
Jungkook makes a frustrated sound. "When I joined your game, you were staring out at the ocean like you were waiting for your husband to return from war. And you've been half-present this whole time. What's going on?"
He hates how perceptive Jungkook is, even through a headset. Gaming with Jungkook has been a nice escape as Taehyung's been struggling. It gives him something to do, gets him out of his head for a bit. "I'm alright, Kook, I'm sorry."
"I don't know why you're apologizing." He pauses and there's a beat of silence, Taehyung can hear Jungkook shift in his chair. "Hyung… have you talked to Jimin hyung?"
Taehyung stiffens in his chair. "No."
"Oh, yeah… that - okay. Um, he comes back soon, you know?"
Taehyung knows. Ten days. Though it's not like he's counting (he is). Jimin will return to Seoul in ten days and Taehyung has not spoken to him. Taehyung has, of course, tortured himself by scrolling through Jimin's Instagram feed a few times. It's been - odd. Jimin has been posting a lot less and his private Twitter has been silent. Jimin has posted a few shots of the city, a picture of him in the practice studio, but nothing else. There are not the wide array of selfies or pictures of him out partying with his friends. Taehyung may have been projecting, but he thought Jimin looked tired and sad in the selfie he posted.
It had felt weird, to not like any of the pictures. Taehyung felt like it wouldn't be right for him to like them, felt like it would be weird for him to like the posts. Maybe Jimin wouldn't want him to, especially since they haven't been talking. It felt weirdly passive aggressive to not like them, though maybe it would be more passive aggressive to like them? The whole thing makes Taehyung's head ache.
"Hyung?" Jungkook prompts again.
Taehyung shakes himself and stretches his hands over his keyboard. "I know he comes back soon."
"He says he's excited." Another pause. "To come home."
"Right."
"I'm sure he wants to see you."
Taehyung holds in a scoff. "Has he told you that?"
Silence.
Taehyung can't stop himself from asking. "Has he asked about me?"
Silence again. Taehyung doesn't know if it's good or bad.
"I need to do homework," Taehyung says with a sigh. "Let's kill the stupid wolf then I need to go."
"I'm sorry, hyung," Jungkook says, voice small. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
"It's fine, Kookie, let's go."
Jungkook makes a soft, sad sound. "I just think -"
"Please, Jungkook," Taehyung cuts him off. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Taehyung's pretty sure he hears Jungkook's teeth snap together. They kill the boss and Taehyung immediately logs out, barely saying goodbye before he hangs up their voice call. He throws his headset back onto his desk and scrubs his palms over his face.
Jimin is excited to come home. Excited to come home for however long until he goes back to New York. Taehyung is sure Jimin does not want to see him. And Taehyung doesn't want to see him either. He has nothing left to say.
As Taehyung drags himself across the room and crawls into bed, he knows that's a lie. All he wants is to see Jimin, it's all he can think about. Jimin's smile, Jimin's sparkling honey-brown eyes, the way he says Taehyungie and Tae baby. The way Jimin holds his hand and fits in his arms, head tucked into Taehyung's neck. All Taehyung wants is to see him, to sit across from Jimin at a café, their ankles tangled under the table. Or at the arcade, spinning around each other on the DDR machine. And in his bed, Jimin cuddled into him, whispering hopes and dreams and secrets into the dark.
Taehyung isn't sure he'll ever have these things again and it makes him ache down to his bones. It makes his blankets feel too heavy and his limbs weak, it makes his head pound and his eyes burn with more tears. Taehyung didn't think it was possible to cry as much as he has over the past few months, but clearly he was wrong. Because the tears continue to flow and his body continues to ache and burn.
Rolling onto his stomach, Taehyung buries his face in his pillow so Yoongi won't hear him cry again.
>>><<<
Taehyung's little polaroid camera has been mostly unused since he returned. It reminds him of Jimin too much, of the photos they used to take together, the ones Taehyung can't seem to take off his corkboard. He's tried to write more letters but they haven't worked out well.
Dear Jimin,
I miss you.
And:
Dear Jimin,
I love you.
And:
Dear Jimin,
Do you hate me?
Were as far as he got each time before he was tearing the page out of his notebook and crumpling it into a ball. Into the trash they would go, a steadily building little pile of regrets. He should have thrown the others away too, should have never written them.
He's out with Yoongi when he thinks of using the camera again. They're getting ice cream and Yoongi has a big smudge of blue ice cream on his nose. He somehow hasn't noticed it yet and Taehyung can't help but stare. Jimin would love it, would fall over himself giggling at Yoongi's button nose with a big spot of blue.
Taehyung reaches down and digs in his bag until his fingers close around the camera. Yoongi scowls when he holds it up.
"What are you doing?"
"Let me take your picture," Taehyung says simply. "You look funny."
Yoongi scowls. "Why do I look funny?"
Taehyung just shakes his head, face hidden behind the little camera. "Please?"
"Fine," Yoongi says with a reluctant sigh. He grimaces at the camera, eyes squinted and brow furrowed.
Taehyung smiles and presses the button and - nothing happens. He pulls the camera away from his face and shakes it, brings it back to his eye. Nothing. He checks the little screen, checks all the buttons.
"What's wrong?"
Taehyung frowns. "It won't work." A sense of panic overtakes him as the camera refuses to function, refuses to take the picture. This was a gift from Jimin and suddenly it's broken, suddenly it -
"Let me see." Yoongi holds out his hand and Taehyung reluctantly passes it over.
Yoongi studies the camera, turning it over and around before popping the little door and peering inside. "Ah, you're just out of film, Taehyung-ah," Yoongi says soothingly. He must see the panic in Taehyung's eyes, see the way his hands shake. "You just need to put a new roll in and everything will be fine."
Everything will be fine. Right.
"You have ice cream on your nose," Taehyung mumbles as Yoongi passes the camera back.
Yoongi scoffs and picks up a napkin, wiping at his nose as Taehyung slumps in his seat, feeling suddenly defeated.
>>><<<
The music is too loud and the room is too hot. Taehyung's shirt sticks uncomfortably to his lower back and Hoseok's elbow keeps bumping into his arm, his side. Taehyung tries to shift away and is only met with Jungkook's unyielding thigh on his other side. He feels trapped, sandwiched between his friends in this crowded bar that smells of sweat and old beer. Across from him Seokjin is pushing a tray of shots across the table, gesturing to Taehyung to take one.
He does, lifting the glass to his lips and knocking it back in one go. It burns all the way down, making his eyes water and his throat sting. He coughs, spluttering a little, and Jungkook pats him on the back.
"Is this lighter fluid?" Taehyung rasps, scraping his teeth over his tongue.
Hoseok glances at the tray. "Tequila maybe? Or vodka?"
"It's 151," Seokjin says brightly. "We're having fun tonight!"
Yoongi grimaces from his place beside Seokjin and glances at Namjoon beside him. Taehyung follows his gaze, seeing Namjoon looks glassy eyed already. "If Namjoon dies, I will kill you, Seokjin."
Seokjin just waves a hand and pours Yoongi another beer from the pitcher in front of him. "He'll be fine, just don't make him dance."
Taehyung isn't entirely sure how he got here, how he was talked into going to this bar on a Saturday night. It's loud and dark and stuffy and Taehyung wants to go home and hide in his bed. But he can't even get out of the booth.
"Want to dance, Tae?" Hoseok asks, leaning into his side.
Taehyung does not want to dance, not on the dance floor where there are so many people. If this feels suffocating, he can't even imagine how the dance floor will feel. But Seokjin is pressing another shot into his hand and Hoseok is tipping it toward his mouth and Taehyung's mind is a little hazy. Hoseok is tugging him up and toward the dance floor before he can protest, smiling over his shoulder as Taehyung stumbles along behind him.
Clearing a space for them, Hoseok fits himself to Taehyung's front and begins to move to the beat. Taehyung is stiff, hands placed gingerly on Hoseok's hips as Hoseok writhes in front of him so some horrible EDM remix of a girl group song. It takes him what feels like an eternity, but Taehyung feels himself relaxing as the beat pulses through him. The alcohol makes his head spin a little and his body feel looser, his hips start to move before he even realizes.
He also almost doesn't realize when Hoseok disappears. Hoseok turns and presses a kiss to his cheek and then he's gone, melting into the arms of a black-haired man with a smirk and a lip piercing. Taehyung would normally retreat to the table at this point, or take himself home and crawl into bed. But the alcohol is flowing through his veins and he feels light, floaty. He continues to dance, eyes slipping closed as he moves to the beat, one hand pushing back his chair.
Then Hoseok returns or - not Hoseok. He opens his eyes and it isn't Hoseok, it isn't anyone he knows. But there's someone pressed against his chest, an ass grinding against his groin in sinful circles. There's a head of blonde hair in front of him and a hand snaking around to grip the back of his neck. Taehyung's hands come up automatically, one gripping a hip, the other sliding over a stomach, firm and toned beneath the silk shirt Taehyung's fingers dig into.
Jimin. It's Jimin, in leather pants and a white silk shirt, his blonde hair is perfectly styled and slightly damp from sweat at his temples. Jimin in his arms, moving against him in a way that has heat shooting to Taehyung's groin.
But then the man throws his head back against Taehyung's shoulder and - it's not Jimin. Of course it's not. Closed eyes, sharp and cat-like, with long lashes, a dusting of glittery powder on his cheek bones and eyelids. He has a small button nose and pink, pouty lips. They're not like Jimin's, not as plush and full, but he has a defined cupid's bow and his lips look glossy and soft.
They are glossy and soft. Taehyung learns that when the man tilts his head and connects their lips. Taehyung doesn't stop him, doesn't push him away, just snakes his tongue out to lick past the other man's lips and taste cranberry on his tongue. He lets himself get lost in the feeling, hands roaming over the shorter man's chest, his stomach, fingers trailing down his thigh.
"You're so hot," the man gasps in his ear when they part. "I'm Felix."
"Taehyung."
"Do you want to get out of here?"
No. Yes. He should say no. He should untangle himself from Felix and go back to his table, say goodnight to his friends and leave. But he nods instead, nods and lets Felix take his hand and pull him out of the bar and into a cab. He lets Felix kiss him in the backseat and in the elevator up to his apartment, lets Felix kiss him against the door and all the way down the hallway to his bedroom.
Felix's bed is soft, a plush blue comforter fisted in Taehyung's hands as the other man sinks to his knees and fits his pouty lips around Taehyung's cock. With the way Taehyung's vision is still a little blurry, if he squints his eyes, he can imagine it's Jimin with his mouth stretched around him. He can imagine the blond hair he's carding his fingers through is Jimin's, the cheekbone he's running his thumb along is Jimin's glitter-covered skin.
And later, when Felix is on all fours on his bed and Taehyung is behind him, holding him by the hips, he can try to pretend he's Jimin. It's harder now, the curve of Felix's spine isn't like Jimin's, his ass isn't as plush. But from behind, with his head tipped forward and moans spilling from his lips, Taehyung can replace his face with the one he wants most. And as he fills the condom and comes, it's to the thought that it's Jimin's hole he's filling, and it's Jimin's name he chokes out, raw and hoarse.
Felix doesn't seem to notice, or he doesn't mind, as his own orgasm spills over the sheets and he collapses onto his stomach. Taehyung cleans them both up with a towel from the back of the closet door and reaches for his underwear, sliding it up his legs.
"Do you want to stay?" Felix asks, propped on one elbow on his side on the bed, watching Taehyung impassively as he dresses. His lips are swollen and red and there's a hickey forming on his collarbone. It's obvious now, as alcohol recedes and Taehyung really looks at him, that he's not Jimin. Felix is handsome, definitely pretty and he seems sweet enough. But he's not the person Taehyung wants him to be.
He could stay though, he could sleep in a bed with someone else, cuddle up with someone that isn't Yoongi. Maybe he could buy Felix breakfast in the morning and they could talk about their majors over coffee and pastries. They could go for a walk in the park and look at the flowers, maybe they would hold hands. Taehyung would walk him home and get his number, maybe Felix would kiss him goodbye, on the lips or on the cheek. Maybe Taehyung would call him.
In another life, he could do these things. In another life, maybe it would be enough.
"I'm sorry," he says, instead of saying yes. "I should go. I -"
"It's alright, you don't have to explain." He doesn't seem bothered at all, just stands and pulls on his briefs before leading Taehyung back to the front door. "This was fun." He pecks Taehyung on the cheek. He does not ask for Taehyung's number, he does not ask if they can meet again.
Taehyung walks home with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, numbness seeping from his core to his fingers and toes. He doesn't cry, though he feels like he should. He feels like he's done something criminal, committed some kind of betrayal. But he has no one to betray, no one to disappoint. His head fills with static as he walks and he feels hollow, empty, as the night swallows him.
>>><<<
"Are you picking him up?" Yoongi asks, tugging his jacket on over his shirt. "His flight gets in at two, right?"
Taehyung just shrugs, turning away from where Yoongi and Namjoon are standing by the door. "No."
"I thought you promised to pick him up?"
Taehyung scowls. "That was before. He obviously doesn't want me to now." He pauses, picks at a loose thread on his pajama pants. "He doesn't want to see me."
He knows Jimin is coming home today, knows that his flight gets in at 2:04PM, knows that it is currently 11:46AM and Jimin will be back in Seoul soon. But Taehyung also knows that Jimin has still not spoken to him, Jimin hasn't reached out or made any effort to contact him.
"Alright, well, text if you need me."
Taehyung just waves over his shoulder, still not turning. He hears Namjoon murmur something, hears Yoongi sigh, and then the door closes and Taehyung is alone again. He focuses on the TV, trying to pay attention to the plot of the drama playing on the screen. At this point, he's sure Jimin wants nothing to do with him. If Taehyung showed up at the airport, Jimin would probably run away, or jump right back on a plane to avoid him. Jimin does not want to see him, does not want to talk to him.
And honestly, maybe Taehyung doesn't want to see him either. The stages of grief aren't real, Taehyung is pretty sure of that. Because he's still fucking sad. But he's angry now too, he's moved onto that phase, apparently, anger. But he thought the sadness would leave and be replaced by the fury. But it's not, they're both there. Instead of just being mad, he cries while he's angry. It's horrible, maybe worse. He welcomes the numbness that comes in waves.
Taehyung works his way through two bags of chips and a large container of strawberry ice cream, welcoming the dull ache in his stomach as he stuffs himself. He's zoning out in front of the television, some random romance movie playing on Netflix, when there's a knock on the door. Taehyung jumps, startled by the sudden noise. He's not expecting anyone and not expecting a delivery. Maybe Yoongi forgot his keys? But he would text first and it's only been a few hours. Or maybe it's Jungkook, but he would probably text first too...
The knock comes again and Taehyung heaves himself off the couch, wiping crumbs off the front of his ratty t-shirt and shuffles to the door. Shoving a hand through his messy hair, Taehyung flips the lock and pulls open the door, expecting Jungkook or Hoseok or -
Jimin.
Jimin is standing in front of him in an old sweatshirt Taehyung recognizes as one of his own. There's a suitcase in his hand. He looks tired and drawn, eyes red-rimmed and lips looking puffy and chewed.
"Hi Taehyung." Jimin tries for a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes, his lips barely twitch. His voice is hoarse, quiet.
Taehyung can't speak, he doesn't know what to say. This isn't real. Jimin is not here, standing on his doorstep, looking like he just came from the airport.
"Can I come in?"
Taehyung steps back, holding the door for Jimin to step inside. Jimin walks past him, setting down his suitcase and turns, standing facing Taehyung. His hands, nearly hidden in the sweatshirt sleeves, fiddle with the hem of the shirt.
"Why are you here?"
Jimin stiffens, recoils a little. His eyes drop to the floor and he bites his lip. "I needed to see you."
Anger surges through him. "I haven't spoken to you in weeks," Taehyung spits. "You told me to leave, you stranded me in a foreign country where I don't speak the language. Then you didn't contact me at all." He stops, swallows hard. "Why are you here?"
"Can we sit?"
Taehyung has the urge to say no, to do what Jimin did to him and tell him to get out. But he can't, not when Jimin looks so vulnerable. Not when Jimin is in front of him, looking small and tired. "Alright."
When they're seated on the couch, a safe distance apart, Jimin shifts and turns to him. "Taehyung, I'm sorry."
Taehyung can't hold in his snort. Jimin is sorry. "For what?" His tone is more hostile than he intends, but he can't help it.
Jimin shrinks in on himself. "I deserve that," he whispers. "Taehyung, I should have never reacted the way I did, I am so ashamed of myself and I'm sorry. I was absolutely horrible to you and I am disgusted with myself." He pauses, takes a deep breath. "I understand if you hate me, I was -" he cuts off.
Taehyung just stares at him, he's not sure what to think, not sure what to say. He wonders if this is Jimin getting closure before he never speaks to him again, it could be but - It doesn't feel that way. He's never seen Jimin like this. He looks afraid.
"I was surprised and it - I didn't know how you felt. Two years and you kept all that in… I felt like a monster. I never should have told you to leave, stranding you in New York. I wasn’t thinking and - fuck - I texted Namjoon twenty minutes later and he said he had it under control. That you were safe and he and Yoongi were bringing you home.” He laughs tonelessly. “He told me to fuck off.” He cuts off again, grimaces. "I'm not good at this."
Good at what? Breakups? Is this a breakup?
Jimin huffs and shoves his hands into his - Taehyung's - sweatshirt pocket. He draws out a bundle of envelopes and gently passes them over, placing the small pile on Taehyung's lap. Jimin just came to return the letters, to give them back and make a clean break. Now he - Taehyung freezes, staring down at the top envelope.
Kim Taehyung is written on the front in Jimin's neat handwriting. He looks up, meets Jimin's watery eyes. "What is this?"
Jimin swallows. "I didn't know what to say," he whispers. "So I tried to write it down. They're - they're not like yours, not so..." he grimaces again, shakes his head. "Read them?"
Fingers shaking, Taehyung picks up the first envelope and opens the flap, it's not sealed, just tucked into the crease. He pulls out a letter, words written neatly on the page, Jimin’s perfect handwriting, and stares at it.
"If you want me to go after you read them," Jimin begins, "I will. And I'll never bother you again, if that's what you want."
Dear Taehyung,
I don't know how to start this. I don't know what to say to make this make sense. So… maybe I'll start at the beginning? I think I loved you as soon as we met, when we had to do those stupid ice breaker games and you smiled at me. There was something about your smile, so wide and disarming. I was so nervous I wouldn't make friends and there you were. My friend. I wasn’t sure why you liked me, to be honest, but I felt so lucky.
I realized it a month later. That I was in love with you. We were sitting in your room watching a movie on your bed. You went to use the bathroom and I laid down. I rolled over on your pillow and I just - God this is so fucking weird. I buried my face in your pillow and breathed you in. And I just felt - God, I am so fucking creepy. I felt so warm and I suddenly felt so safe. I never wanted to be anywhere else. You smell like home, like lavender and pine and fresh laundry. Like everything right and I just - I realized it then.
Taehyung looks up, finding Jimin watching him. "You were in love with me?"
Jimin makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. "Read the next one." Taehyung complies, opening the next envelope.
Dear Taehyung,
I almost asked you out once. I was going to ask you on a date, ask you to be my boyfriend. But I thought you could never feel the same, I didn't think you were interested in someone like me. I'm too… you know. Too much. Why would you need me when you could have anyone else?
Someone like Yoongi.
Taehyung looks up. "You thought I liked Yoongi?"
Jimin shrugs. "He's good for you."
So I didn't do it, and I started dating Seungwon. And then Hyunjin, Minseok, Jooheon, and… well, you know the list. Hoseok hyung called it my "thot phase" but I was just trying to get over you. Trying to find someone to fill that hole inside of me that I only wanted to fill with you.
It worked, well, sort of. I was able to push it down enough and be happy just being your friend.
"So you -"
Jimin just shakes his head. "Next one."
Taehyung pulls the next letter out of the envelope, skimming over it. Sees lines and words that make his heart clench.
I love everything about you. The way you hold me when I'm scared or upset. The way your hair is always in your eyes and you get so frustrated. Your skill with your camera, the way you talk about photography. You're so passionate and so beautiful when you light up and talk about things you love. You make me feel seen and important and you treat me like I'm smart and special. You have always been there for me and I have always failed you. I love everything about you, and I do not deserve to love you.
…You are the smartest, kindest person I know and all I've ever wanted is to be with you...
…I thought I could be happy as long as we were friends...
…I was too damaged for you. You're the only one who's seen the worst of me. I never thought you'd accept that...
Each letter has been signed the same. Love, Jimin.
He pulls out the next letter and immediately notices the spots on it, the smudges of ink. Tear stains on the paper making it nearly translucent in places. He glances at Jimin before reading, Jimin is watching him carefully, tears beading at his lash line. "Jimin, I -"
Jimin shakes his head. "Just read."
Dear Taehyung,
It's been a week since we've spoken. A week since you left - since I forced you to leave. I've never regretted anything more. It's not what I meant to do, not what I wanted. What I wanted to do was throw myself at you and kiss you silly, hold your cheeks and tell you how much I love you. I wanted to scream it, shout it, write it in the sky.
But I - it was so much. I've been away for months and missing you has been so hard. I knew I hadn't been able to push down how much I loved you, it still hurt so much. So I tried to drown it out… sleeping with other dancers, partying, putting distance between us.
Reading that Jimin slept with other dancers makes his heart clench in his chest. Taemin, probably. But he continues.
I was so overwhelmed when I read the letters. I was so far away and I never thought you could feel this way. I was offered the apprenticeship the afternoon before and I was going to take it. It seemed like the right choice, try to start my life and be happy somewhere else, maybe with someone else. Maybe. It's possible, right?
No, of course it's not. I've always wanted to be with you, always wanted it to mean more. But I accepted that I was too much and that you wouldn't want me that way. To see those words in the letters - it was too much for me. I'd convinced myself that it wasn't possible and I couldn't handle it. Not when I'd made all these plans to get over you once and for all. I needed time to think. I didn't -
Taehyung swallows hard, the words are blurring on the pages. He notices more wet spots, fresh ones. His own, his tears sliding down his cheeks to land on the pages.
"I don't understand," Taehyung croaks. Nothing makes sense, his head is spinning.
Jimin clears his throat. "I had a lot of time to think," he whispers. "I wanted to call you as soon as you left but I knew I needed time and - and then I was still there and you were here. And I was so afraid to reach out." Jimin scoots a little closer, Taehyung sees his hand come into view, hovering over Taehyung's knee. He pulls it back. "I love you, Taehyung. I've always loved you, I love you so much it hurts. I didn't realize what was hurting me, didn't realize it was how much I need you. I understand if you want me to go but -" he breaks off, exhales shakily. "I turned down the apprenticeship. I don't want to leave again."
"You shouldn't have turned down the apprenticeship," Taehyung rasps. "It's your dream."
"You're my dream," Jimin insists, and this time his hand does curl around Taehyung's knee. "I want to stay with you."
Taehyung chokes down a sob. "You love me?"
"More than anything."
"You're so stupid."
Jimin laughs, a surprised choking sound. "I know, Tae baby."
Taehyung's heart hurts, aches. Jimin loves him. Has loved him for years. They're two idiots who have been circling each other, making each other miserable over and over. "You want to be with me?" Jimin nods and Taehyung snorts. "We've wasted a lot of time."
"Years. But… I've been offered an apprenticeship here in Seoul. I'm not leaving again. We have all the time in the world."
"Together?" Taehyung prompts.
Jimin smiles then, something tentative and shy. "Just you and me."
Taehyung shifts, turning to face Jimin and bringing a hand up to cup his cheek. "I love you."
Tears slip down Jimin's cheeks as his eyes search Taehyung's face. His hand comes up, covering Taehyung's and he smiles again, shaky and fragile. "I love you, Taehyung." He laughs, a wet snort that only Taehyung could love. "It feels so good to say it and mean it like I want to mean it."
"It feels good to hear you say it. I've been wanting to hear that for so long."
Taehyung searches his face, glances at his mouth. Jimin's tongue darts out, licking his slightly chapped lips, and Taehyung can't resist. He leans in, fingertips pressing into Jimin's cheek and pauses when they're nearly touching. Jimin's breath ghosts over his lips and then he makes a soft sound and surges forward, pressing his lips against Taehyung's.
It's not fireworks, not fanfare and lightning and everything books describe. As far as first kisses go, it's probably not the best. Both of them have chapped lips and they're both crying, everything too wet and dry at once. But - Jimin's lips are plush and warm, and they fit against Taehyung's so perfectly. Their lips brush and Taehyung melts, everything else seeping away.
It's not the best first kiss, but it's perfect because it's Jimin. It's Jimin curling his fingers around Taehyung's hip, Jimin nudging their noses together and moving his lips so slowly, so softly. It’s Jimin here with him, holding him close, as if he thinks Taehyung will disappear. But he won’t, not now, not ever.
"It's about fucking time."
They pull apart slowly and Taehyung turns his head, seeing Namjoon and Yoongi standing behind the couch by the door. Yoongi has his arms crossed but he's grinning, wide and gummy, as he sees them together.
"Hyung, can you -"
Yoongi waves a hand. "We're leaving again. I just needed my charger."
The door closes and Taehyung turns back to Jimin, finding him smiling. That smile Taehyung loves, scrunched nose and lifting cheeks, eyes nearly closed. "I love you," he murmurs, before diving back in to kiss him again.