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Mafuyu touched her hair for the third time in the last minute. Normally she didn't, she wasn't the type of person who had the nervous tic of playing with her hair. In fact, she had no nervous tics.
She squeezed the end of her ponytail between her fingers and rubbed it, examining how the texture felt.
It wasn't that she was uncomfortable, or so she thought. She didn't know what it was like to feel uncomfortable at first, she wouldn't know how to describe her emotions. But right now, as she listened to the rest of niigo discuss the next song when she could only focus on her hair, it felt a bit like when she saw the marionette for the first time.
Before the call her mother had stopped her in the hall.
"Daughter, don't you think your hair is a little damaged?"
Mafuyu smiled. A feeling of discomfort settled in her stomach, as it always did whenever her mother asked these kinds of questions. They weren't real questions, she just wanted to start a conversation to tell her what to do.
And she, as always, would listen to her.
"You think so? I haven't noticed. "
"Because you are always studying!" She said, proudly. She wished she were brave enough to tell her that the late-night lamp was not for studying. "I'm going to make an appointment at the hairdresser, we don't want your beautiful hair to be ruined."
Mafuyu nodded. She didn't particularly care about her hair, but her mother paying so much attention to it made her uncomfortable. She had learned that that was the feeling, and she would not be able to stop feeling it in her flesh.
Her mother wasn't the only one who flattered her hair. At school her so-called friends did it often, talking about how much they would like to have theirs like hers.
Mafuyu opened the front camera of her phone. Her hair didn't seem special to herself, it was hair like any other. If she had to decide, Mizuki's was so much better cared for and prettier. She just kept it healthy and how her mother liked it.
She put the cell phone on the table. Before she turned her attention back to Niigo's conversation, a quick idea crossed her mind.
Her mother would be angry, her classmates would be disappointed. Yet inside her she could feel that little push, the same push that led her to write songs, to express herself.
But unlike her music, this would be seen by everyone. Was she brave enough?
She thought about it for a few seconds. Perhaps seeing her mother confused, or even angry, for doing something she didn't like would make her feel a strong emotion.
"Mizuki."
"Uh? What's wrong Mafuyu? " Mizuki had been talking about something, but Mafuyu hadn't been the conversation. She would like to say she was sorry to disrupt the talk, but it was a lie.
"Can you cut hair?"
"Yes, why?"
"Why do you ask?" Ena said, curious.
"Would you cut mine?"
Just a few days later all of Niigo was in Mafuyu's room, Mizuki with scissors in their hand.
At first she had only invited Mizuki but quickly Ena and Kanade showed interest. Strangely, she did not care, so she sent her address to all of them and they specified a day in which Mafuyu knew that her parents wouldn't be there.
"How short do you want me to cut it?" Mizuki said, a little nervous. Seconds before they had placed a towel around her shoulders, and Kanade and Ena were sitting on her bed.
A small smile escaped her lips. She was comfortable, these girls seemed to genuinely care about her real self, even if it was an almost barely existent self.
She believed she could only truly feel loneliness and despair, but maybe, maybe, this little comfort was part of herself as well.
"Start cutting and I'll tell you when to stop."
Mizuki nodded, determined. First they cut very small strands, almost with fear. They were biting their tongue in concentration, and every now and then they looked into her face through the mirror to see her reaction. Mafuyu returned their gaze impassively.
"You can cut a lot more." She said, when she noticed Mizuki slowing down. Her hair looked almost the same as in the beginning.
"Are you sure?" They asked, and Mafuyu nodded.
Mizuki started cutting more and more. Every now and then they kept looking at her doubtfully, but Mafuyu didn't change her expression.
When Mafuyu finally told her to stop most of her hair was on the ground. Ena got up from her bed, surprised, in the same way as Kanade.
"It is as short as my brother's hair." The first commented, while the second only smiled.
Her reactions weren't negative but she didn't care either. She did not need the approval of others.
Mizuki helped her remove the towel and began to pick up the hair on the floor with the broom they had taken from the kitchen. "Do you like your new look?" They asked proudly.
Mafuyu really had no preference when it came to her hair. She didn't like it, she didn't care. But at least her mother would not like it, nor her classmates, nor all those people who little by little tried to steal her personality and time and tried to mold her into that ideal girl who smiled and was kind.
She would walk away from that perfect image that was so easy for her to fake but that she hated so much from the bottom of her heart.
Mafuyu toyed with her short locks in the same way that she had toyed with the end of her ponytail. She looked at her closet thoughtfully. Her mother had always prided herself on having influenced her sense of fashion, how much she looked like a good girl in her clothes. If she was already changing her hair, why not everything?
"Mizuki, Ena, do you have men's clothes?"
She would have wanted to ask, if her mother's voice hadn't come from down the hall. She clenched her teeth a little, feeling what she thought was frustration. She didn't know if she could say that she was happy with Niigo but she definitely felt more comfortable than with anyone she knew.
She wanted to disappear, every minute and every second of her life, but at least with them the feeling faded a little. And that her mother dared to interrupt in her safe circle, with the people with whom she was capable of making music and who had accepted her, who encouraged her to be herself...
It was not anger, fury, or the lack of control Ena showed, nor was it the despair of seeing the marionette. It wasn't even a feeling strong enough to show on her face (almost none were). If she looked in the dictionary she might be able to describe her feelings as "disappointment" and "resentment."
"Mafuyu, honey, are you there?" Her mother said as she opened the door. She looked at her first, then at what was her old hair, and then at the three extra people in her room.
Mafuyu watched her face carefully and could see all the emotions she was going through. First surprise, then confusion and finally a little bit of anger.
A smile escaped her lips. In a tone that the rest would dare to call petty at their next discord session, Mafuyu was the only one in the room who dared to speak.
"Mom, do you like my new haircut?"