Chapter Text
6:29 AM
teyvats gay club
thomato: u ever wanna clean out your brain sometimes
anime protagonist: yeah
thomato: u get me
hot topic employee: yeah sometimes i imagine that car wash scene from shark tales but it’s happening inside my cranium
golden retriever: will you elaborate on that
hot topic employee: little people. scrub the brain
golden retriever: doesn’t help thanks!
thomato: no no i completely
thomato: get that
team mom: can u guys go to bed ur scaring me
anime protagonist: why r u up
team mom: i choose morning classes
thomato: wtf
hot topic employee: ew
team mom: all of you sound insane and need therapy
anime protagonist: sounds expensive but thanks
team mom: im going to class y’all better be asleep when im done w class
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teyvats gay club
9:04 AM
team mom: have they gone to bed
batman: yea but not until like an hour ago
team mom: god damn it
gay gay homosexual gay: who am i damning
team mom: diluc
batman: yes
team mom: will u hit him for me
gay gay homosexual gay: HEY
gay gay homosexual gay: U CANT HIT ME IM GOD
batman: go. to therapy
gay gay homosexual gay: instead of hitting me he tried smothering me w a blanket
thomato: ugh
thomato: to be in love
princess: oh?
thomato: what
team mom: i thought u were supposed to be in bed
thomato: i cannot sleep
thomato: i am a busy person
princess: did you pull an all nighter again????
thomato: no
team mom: scroll up pls @ princess
princess: thoma.
thomato: what
princess: don’t make me.
thomato: don’t make u what
thomato: WAIT
thomato: ayaka u know i love u and u are my bestie
princess: yes which is why i must do this
thomato: AYAKA
princess added Kamisato Ayato
princess changed Kamisato Ayato’s name to thomato enjoyer
thomato enjoyer: hey so what the fuck
princess: ayato
thomato enjoyer: who r u
princess: im literally in ur contacts dumbass
thomato enjoyer: oh
thomato enjoyer: hi ayaka why am i here
princess: bc someone
princess: @ thomato
princess: pulled another all nighter
thomato: haha no i didn’t pshh
thomato enjoyer: thoma.
thomato: both of you do that and it scares me deeply
princess: good
thomato enjoyer: it should
thomato: pls i am just a man with small hands trying to make it in this world
gay gay homosexual gay: felt
batman: shut up!
thomato enjoyer: do i have to come over and make u take a nap
thomato: pls don’t i don’t like what that implies
thomato enjoyer: too late im on the way it was rhetorical
thomato: i don’t think that’s what rhetorical means
thomato enjoyer: i do not care
thomato: aren’t u like a ceo or something why are u coming over
thomato enjoyer: i can work from home
princess: imagine leaving work to be GAY
thomato enjoyer: if im not mistaken yoimiya is in this chat
princess: shut ur GAY WHORE MOUTH
thomato enjoyer: woah!!!
thomato enjoyer: that was agressive!!
princess: you invoke a primal rage within me
thomato enjoyer: :)
thomato: oh siblings haha
anime protagonist: you’ve given me an idea
thomato: should i b concerned
anime protagonist: ur not included smh
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9:16 AM
anime protagonist created a new group!
anime protagonist added main character, princess, thomato enjoyer, batman, cOoL iT, catboy, and cocogoat
anime protagonist named the chat siblings chat siblings chat
anime protagonist: are there any other sibling pairs to add
main character: YEAH U MISSED MY FAVORITE ONE
main character added team mom and church girl to the chat
anime protagonist: OH MY GOD I CANT BELIDVE I FORGOT THEM
anime protagonist: IM SO SORRY FORGIVE ME
team mom: oh lord
church girl: it’s ok im used to it
main character: who do i have to beat up
church girl: our parents 😍🥰😍❤️❤️💕💗
main character: on it who else
team mom: did u just add our parents to a hit list
main character: mayhaps
team mom: cool cool
princess: can you bring my parents back to life
main character: adding necromancy to my list of skills to learn
anime protagonist: what u aren’t a necromancies already? lame
main character: says the one who never learnt the lightning spell
anime protagonist: is learnt a word
main character: im gay i don’t care
anime protagonist: fair
catboy: felt
anime protagonist: I KNEW U WERE LURKING
catboy: im always lurking
main character: we know
anime protagonist: where’s ganyu?
catboy: she’s on another date w shenhe
princess: wait i didn’t know u two were siblings
catboy: technically we aren’t
catboy: we’re like distant cousins but we were raised in the same house
catboy: with my younger sister but she’s a baby so she doesn’t have a phone
princess: awwwe
anime protagonist: she’s adorable
catboy: but yea we grew up thinking we were siblings so
princess: understandable!
anime protagonist: wait where does zhongli fall into that
anime protagonist: if u don’t mind me asking
anime protagonist: cause i heard u mention u were related to him once
catboy: he’s ganyus like, uncle i think?
cocogoat: yes he’s technically my uncle!
catboy: yea
thomato enjoyer: this sounds rlly complicated!!!
catboy: it rlly is and for no good reason
princess: i feel like we should add him no family left behind
main character: then we also have to add chongyun and shenhe bc the whole aunt and nephew thing
anime protagonist: omg yea
anime protagonist added peepaw, homicidal and frozone
anime protagonist changed the chat name to family chat family chat
homicidal: ah
homicidal: it seems i have been put into another chat
princess: welcome to teyvats gay club family chat
frozone: we should take one of those big family photos and pose zhongli in the middle like he’s the old ass grandpa who’s birthday we’re celebrating
anime protagonist: OH MYGOD
catboy: CHONGYUN UR A GENIUS
cocogoat: i’ll literally bring qiqi too oh my god
peepaw: im not opposed qiqi is my favorite
anime protagonist: i bet we could get albedo to show up w klee
batman: i’d bring diona
catboy: when are u all free
cOoL iT: clearing my schedule rn
batman: im doing nothing all day, venti has left me for class and so has diona
batman: dionas school is done at 3:05 yall wanna meet up after that?
cOoL iT: yeS
peepaw: yes
catboy: PERFECT ganyu i’ll meet u w qiqi at 3
cocogoat: ok!! let’s go to that park downtown
cocogoat: w the big tree
homicidal: i will bring my nephew
frozone: ok auntie
homicidal: :)
anime protagonist: i will drag paimon and lumine there by their ankles
princess: perfect i’ll drag ayato there after he decides to leave his bfs side
thomato enjoyer: it’s not my fault he doesn’t know how to take care of himself
princess: gay ass
team mom: i’ll make sure to bring barbara
anime protagonist: teyvats gay club is gonna lose their mind at this one
anime protagonist: and i cannot wait
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teyvats gay club
4:17 PM
anime protagonist sent an attachment!
anime protagonist: behold, the fruits of our labor
rasputin: WHY DOES ZHONGLI LOOK LIKE THAT
peepaw: i was very confused
thomato: THATS WHY AYATO ABANDONED ME DURING MY NAP
princess: yes this was very important!
thomato: understandable
thomato enjoyer: im on my way back love don’t worry
thomato: akfkfjsjf odj ok
princess: u broke him
thomato enjoyer: that was indeed the point
gay gay homosexual gay: BABE WAKE UP NEW PFP FOR ZHONGLI JUST DROPPED
batman: i know im literally in the picture
gay gay homosexual gay: it’s a meme u old man
peepaw: im the only old man here
gay gay homosexual gay: u both can be old and decrepit together
peepaw: fine
nick wilde: this is genuinely so fucking funny
golden retriever: where the hell did y’all get the happy 80th birthday banner
cocogoat: walmart is a glorious place
basically a hitman: WHY WAS I NOT INVITED TO THE FAMILY PHOTO
basically a hitman: @ catboy MY SELF PROCLAIMED BROTHER HOW DARE U LEAVE ME OUT
catboy: IT WASNT MY IDEA IDK
basically a hitman: @ peepaw MY SELF PROCLAIMED FATHER HOW DARE YOU
peepaw: i don’t know where i am
frozone: he’s really feeling that 80th birthday spirit
basically a hitman: smh
anime protagonist: we can take another one with you in it at dilucs 80th birthday hu tao
basically a hitman: fine but only bc u said so
basically a hitman: fuck u xiao
catboy: WHAT RHE FUCK
catboy: GANYU IS JUST AS GUILTY AS I AM
cocogoat: no im not
basically a hitman: no she’s not she’s ganyu
catboy: i hate u
basically a hitman: GOOD I HATE U
anime protagonist: they’ll fit right in at the family chat!
phoenix wright: why is hu tao growling at their phone!
basically a hitman: im mad!!
catboy: they’re feral!
phoenix wright: true
thomato: basically siblings scare me
princess: good!
thomato enjoyer: as it should be
main character: :)
thomato: im going back to bed