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Bam leaned against the railing, his arms folded over as the wind caressed his face. It had only been a day since he made it back to his friends and teammates, and victory couldn’t taste any sweeter. He looked out to the horizon, listening to the sound of the waves of the ocean rolling into the shores. The scent of the saltwater made him breathe deeper, and he tilted his face towards the shinsu-infused sun to memorize the feeling as the humidity gently started to stick onto his skin. The breeze picked up the long strands of his hair, caressing and playing with it. For a brief moment in time, it was as if he was riding the Blue Oar, free and weightless.
It wasn’t that he never felt this before, but to sit and enjoy it without feeling a weight in his chest was different. To know he could turn around and walk back to his room and see Khun burritoed into a blanket and Rak laying happily against the blankets curled something warm and bright in his chest. This emotion was like happiness, but it was so much more; he could feel it in the tips of his fingers, down his knees, and through his toes. It was weightless, terrifyingly so. This emotion could pick him up and send him over the railing, floating on the clouds. He just didn’t know what to call it.
There was a blip on his pocket, and he saw Endorsi was reminding him about a date. His smile slightly faded. A date. It couldn’t hurt to humor her. He has never been on a date before, and Endorsi wasn’t the type to make things too awkward. He had a bit of time to kill; he could ask Khun for some advice when he woke up.
He closed his eyes and took another breath. He could ask Khun for advice and talk with him again. He could speak to Rak. He could touch them. He still could feel the ghost of Rak’s hug imprinted on his body how Rak clutched at him as though he could protect Bam from all of the terrible, frightful things FUG had done in the seven years that they had him. It still brought a pang to Bam’s chest to remember it, but he held onto that feeling tightly, fiercely. It had been a reminder of what he had to look forward to when he escaped.
“Bam?”
Bam turned around to see Khun walking over towards him. His hair smoothed into a small ponytail in the back. He was carrying a white mug filled with coffee. His button-up collared shirt was tight against his throat like usual, and black slacks. It was so strange to see him stand before him unchanged from the past seven years. Taller, more filled out, but still relatively the same. “Good morning, Khun-ssi.” His name tasted so sweet on Bam’s tongue. That weightless feeling threatened to bubble over. “How did you sleep?”
“I slept okay,” Khun said, taking his place next to Bam, leaning against the railing. His hands cradled the mug gently, as though it could break under his grip. Bam watched as he lifted the mug to his lips to take a sip. The breeze picked up again, and Bam caught a scent of Khun’s cologne. Unlike Shibisu’s aftershave, the cologne was subtle. A small dab so it wasn’t overpowering. It smelled clean. Bam wanted to hold onto that memory too. He didn’t remember if Khun wore something like that on the test floor. He wanted to say he doubted it. “How about you?”
“It was refreshing,” Bam turned his attention away to look back at the scenery. There were departing airships, carrying people around to unknown destinations. Bam found himself hoping that they were free people. That no one was leaving because someone forced them to, but because they wanted to, whether it was for a test, for other floors, or pleasure.
He hoped that he would never come across someone who would be used for someone else’s gain. “Endorsi asked me out on a date.”
“Did she?” Khun asked, blowing against the rim of his mug. “She has been pretty loud about it since the Workshop. I’m pretty sure everyone and their mother knows that she’s going on a date.”
Had she been that loud? The weightless feeling turned a little heavy. Was he supposed to have known about it, picked up hints, maybe? Khun looked over at him, his eyebrow raised, “Don’t look too guilty, Bam. You had other things to worry about.” He leaned his shoulder into Bam’s in a gentle nudge, and there was a jolt that made Bam stiffen. “Ah...sorry.”
“No,” This was different. “You can - it’s fine.”
Khun watched him with a level gaze before he lightly pressed their shoulders together. Bam’s body stiffened again before relaxing into it, leaning back with the same type of pressure. His heart was like a hummingbird’s wings, ever beating. There was a jittery sensation that he could feel in his fingers and knees. It wasn’t the same as being afraid. Nervous? What did he have to be anxious about? This was Khun. Khun wouldn’t hurt him. “Are you thinking of going?”
“I don’t think I have a choice, Khun-ssi.” Bam waved his pocket over towards Khun so he could read the message.
“The Princess sure knows how to ask people out. That was romantic if I ever heard it.” Bam was grateful that he learned how to pick up sarcasm. It was one of Prince’s favorite ways to communicate.
Prince. Miseng. Wangnan. Bam let out another breath. He could be with them too. He was starting to feel overwhelmed. “Do I need to do anything special? Dates are they’re supposed to be special, right?”
Khun huffed a laugh, “I don’t think Endorsi is expecting anything from you, Bam. Just cater to her whims, and let her do her own thing. You’ll be happier for it.” He looked at him. “Unless you want to do something special?”
“I don’t…” Bam frowned, his lips tugging. “Would me being there be enough?”
“I think so, I think that’s special enough,” Khun said, leaning away from him. “I’m going to go check and see who else is awake. You have fun on that date.” He patted Bam’s shoulder as he walked away.
X
The date went as well as Khun had told him it would. The only thing that threw Bam off was the kiss against his cheek. Endorsi’s lips were a bit chapped, but she had a gloss on to cover that fact. He could still feel its sticky residue on his skin, and he was fearful of wiping it off. Kisses, he understood, were signs of deep affection. He didn’t want to hurt Endorsi for not liking the way that it felt. Still, he wasn’t sure how to react to it. Not that he knew how to respond to Endorsi, to begin with. She was confusing, head-strong, and determined. She was a good friend, but Bam wondered what it would be like if Khun had kissed him like that instead?
At the moment, they had found their room. Rak had been insistent they’d all stayed together, and while Khun threw a bit of a fit about privacy, he also seemed to concede quicker than Bam thought was normal. Maybe, just like Bam wasn’t sure if this was real or not, Khun was afraid of him disappearing. Just because they won the Workshop didn’t mean that others weren’t going to try underhanded tactics. Being in Wolhaiksong's resort was the only comfort for some. Bam knew that if FUG wanted to hide, they would.
Rak was already asleep. His snores filled the room obnoxiously, but Bam found it to be just as soothing as listening to the waves outside. Khun had gotten the bed furthest from the window. A tablet was in his hands, engulfing his face with a light blue. He had silver-rimmed glasses on that reflected the light as his eyes scanned whatever he was reading. Bam couldn’t remember Khun ever wearing glasses. The glasses made him look wiser, but they also aged him quite a bit too. Bam reached behind him, feeling the long length of his hair. How much of this made him look older? Younger?
“We should cut your hair,” Khun suddenly spoke, his voice barely heard over Rak’s snoring. “That way, people who are looking for Jyu Viole Grace will be thrown off. Your hair will give you away.”
“Yeah. I’d like that. Will you cut my hair for me, Khun-ssi?” Bam asked.
Khun set the tablet down on his lap to look over at him. Bam wondered if he was trying to find a way to reject it. The idea sent something heavy in Bam’s chest. The same trembling he felt earlier today came back ten-fold. “I can do that.” Khun’s lips quirked, but the smile disappeared just as fast it came. “How was your date with Endorsi, by the way? I don’t think I ever asked.”
“It was fun,” Bam said, “but she kissed my cheek and...I still don’t know how to feel about that.”
“You didn’t like the Princess of Jahad kissing your cheek?” Was he teasing? Maybe Bam was reading too much into that sentence. Khun remained focused on whatever he was reading on his tablet, but something felt off.
Bam thought back to the way Endorsi pressed her lips against his cheek. “It’s not that I didn’t like it, it just felt…” Bam pursed his lips. “I don’t know how to take it.”
Khun set the tablet down on his lap, sighing. “A kiss on the cheek can just be that, Bam. Not everything has to have a deeper meaning.”
“So would you kiss my cheek then?”
Khun seemed to hesitate. Bam forgot what he looked like when a problem was set in front of Khun. The wheels were spinning like mad behind his eyes, going through every possible situation and solution before picking the one he thought would get him the farthest ahead. If kisses could just be a kiss on the cheek, Bam wasn’t sure why Khun was thinking so hard about it. Maybe, Bam wondered, if he was worried about something else? “Does it mean something different for you, Khun-ssi?”
Khun snapped out of whatever thoughts he had, setting the tablet to the side. He pushed the covers to the side, getting up from the bed. He sat down on the edge of Bam’s, looking at him. Blue eyes searched Bam’s as if he was looking for something in particular. “There’s a way my family greets each other. It’s a cultural norm too for most floors, and so it can’t hurt for you to learn.”
Bam tilted his head, and Khun scooted a bit closer. “You do this.” He leaned into Bam’s space and pressed a swift kiss against Bam’s left cheek before moving away and doing the same to Bam’s other cheek. Then he hugged him. “Normally, if I do the left, you would do the same to my cheek and then switch. It’s mostly common for the girls to do it to each other, and the boys to do it to other girls, but I could make an exception here.”
Kisses could be greetings. “Can you do it again?” Bam asked.
Khun pulled away from the hug, blinking at him. “Sure…” This time, Bam followed. As Khun kissed his cheek, he pressed his lips to Khun’s in return. It was strange. His heart fluttered like rapid butterfly wings. His shaking subsided, but he still could feel the aftermath of the tremors. Khun’s cheek was smooth, without so much of a prickle of a stubble. His cheeks were a bit cool to the touch. Khun’s lips were a bit chapped like he predicted, but there wasn’t any sticky residue left behind in his kisses either. When Khun hugged him, Bam melted into the embrace. Unlike Rak’s solid grip and a determination not to let go, Khun held him like a precious jewel, tight enough to be secured but loose enough that it wouldn’t shatter in his hands.
Khun pulled away, “You feel better about it now?”
Bam nodded, “Thanks, Khun-ssi.”
A smile and something flickered in Khun’s eyes that Bam couldn’t begin to define. “You’re welcome.” He patted Bam’s knee and headed back towards his bed. “I’m going to go to sleep.”
“Goodnight,” Bam said and watched Khun wrap himself into the blanket. He looked back outside.
His heartbeat still hadn’t calmed down. Bam could feel the ghost of Khun’s breath against his ear. Khun’s touches were different from the touches that his friends gave, and yet there was nothing about it that was different. Implications, maybe? But that didn’t make sense. He just asked Khun about cheek kisses, and Khun obliged by showing him. Yet, Bam looked over at Khun’s bed; he longed for another chance to practice. When was a good time to do those cheek kisses? He didn’t see Ran do it when they arrived back. Maybe it was a private thing? Bam looked back at his knees; why did it matter that it was Khun?
Why did all of these touches, kisses, and feelings be so different when Khun was involved? A kiss was just a kiss, and a hug was just a hug, Khun would say. Bam wasn’t sure; they felt different. They were different when it came down to his friends. He didn’t mind the touches, the hugs, or the kisses, but he found himself wishing to prolong it with Khun. Was it because Khun wasn’t the most affectionate person? It was a possibility.
Bam decided not to worry about that too much. Everyone showed affection differently. Rachel used to rub his hair, Jinsung patted his shoulder, Hwaryun had a smile that was reserved only for him. Endorsi wanted to try kissing his cheek, and that was fine. Khun was just more reserved with where and how and when. Would Khun shy away from him if he tried to show affection?
Bam wasn’t even sure how to go about it. How did one even start to initiate that kind of contact? All of his friends took it from him wordlessly, but Bam was sure there was a sign or something that he must’ve been giving off to let them do that. Khun Bam wasn’t sure what his social cue could even be .
Maybe it was best to let Khun come to him. Bam brought the covers up over his shoulders and laid down. The moonlight trickled in through the window, gently bathing him in its light. Maybe if he let himself stay around Khun for a bit and show him he was okay with affection, Khun would take the hint.
For now, it was best not to press his luck too much.
X
“Viole!”
Bam froze, barely reaching for the frying pan in the cupboard when Wangnan’s arms wrapped around him. Wangnan’s embrace reminded Bam of a blanket just coming out of a dryer. Although he was known for his hyper activeness, Wangnan’s hugs were cozy in warmth. He draped himself around his victims without doing too much of a squeeze. Bam didn’t have time to figure if he should lean into it or not, Wangnan pulled away. “You look good.”
Did he? He wasn’t the one that got stabbed through the heart. “So do you, Wangnan-ssi. I’m glad you’re up and about. Are you feeling sore?”
“Nah, it was barely a scratch.” Wangnan laughed, waving it off. Bam knew it was way more than a scratch, but he wasn’t about to press. “Want me to help you make breakfast?” It had been sort of a tradition in Sweet and Sour that someone was helping whenever Bam was cooking. Usually, the culprits were Wangnan and Miseng. Sometimes Goseng would join in here and there, but Yihwa was forbidden to be anywhere near the stove. Akraptor and Horyang helped in other ways by distracting Prince and setting the table.
“If you’d like. Can you grab me some of the eggs from the fridge?” Bam requested, missing the warmth already. As Wangnan came back with the eggs, he decided to voice his thoughts. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. What’s up?” Wangnan asked, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard and starting to crack the eggs.
“Do you know a lot about cheek kisses and hugs?” Bam asked.
“You mean affection?”
Affection. Bam heard the word before, but it was different now. Now he had an idea of what it felt like. Affection, he heard the term used for lovers. However, now he knew that it could also be for friends. However, Khun didn’t quite fit in that category quite neatly as he once had. Bam wasn’t sure where that had stopped. A precious friend was also starting to become a bit of a stretch too, but it was the only thing Bam knew. “Yeah. Affection.”
“I mean, I did just hug you, but I’m guessing you’re looking for a bit more than that?” Wangnan asked.
“What do they mean to you?” Bam asked.
Wangnan stopped whisking the eggs, his golden eyes staring off into the distance for a moment before going back to what he was doing. “Well, I don’t have anyone that I like enough to kiss on the cheek, but hugs are easy. Hugs, for me personally, are a way for me to let people know that I appreciate them, or that I miss them, or that I’m fond of them. Like, you guys are my family. Family hugs each other to show that we care about each other.”
Family. Bam’s heart lifted, a bubbling sort of emotion that was like joy but so much more than that. The same feeling of freedom, but not as intense as yesterday. Family. Wangnan and his team were a family. Wangnan thought of him as family. Bam swallowed, moving the frying pan to the side so Wangnan could pour the eggs into it. “I’m family?”
Wangnan grabbed Bam’s shoulders and gently turned him so that he was looking at Wangnan squarely in the eyes. Lemon gold stared into Bam’s, Wangnan’s lips pulled into the same determined scowl that he wore when he was in the middle of a fight. “Always. Once a Sweet and Sour, always a Sweet and Sour. I don’t care if you go by a different name, or different gender or non-gender. The minute you’re ours, you’re ours. Okay?”
“Okay.” Bam’s heart swelled a little more. Khun was part of their team too, and so was Rak. They were part of this family. So that meant that he could hug Khun a little more often, he could embrace Rak more. Family. Bam held tight to the word, much like Khun had when he hugged Bam last night. “Does Khun get hugged a lot?”
“Well, he kind of reminded me of you before the Workshop Battle. Closed off. I felt like it would be a bit disrespectful to invade his territory, you know?” Wangnan replied, letting Bam go so he could focus on cooking again, “So I haven’t. I don’t think Miseng’s ever hugged Khun either.”
Weird. Maybe for Khun, hugs meant something different then? “ Sometimes, a kiss on the cheek is just a kiss on the cheek.” Wouldn’t that be the same with hugs? Bam mentally kept that on file to ask Khun later. “You said you didn’t have anyone that you liked for cheek kisses.”
Wangnan nodded, “Cheek kisses are something you do for...um...like Goseng and Miseng. Real close family. Blood.”
Khun said that it was a greeting and a cultural norm for his family. Did that mean Khun considered him to be closer than just family? Did Khun think of him as someone that’s like blood? Something curled sweetly in Bam’s chest. It still didn’t sound right to put Khun in that category, but it was much closer to what Bam would consider him. Maybe, brother? No. No, that was wrong, something more. He needed to push on that, somehow.
He needed to focus before he accidentally cooked for an army again because he got carried away in thoughts.
X
Bam wasn’t sure why Khun wanted to cut his hair outside, but the weather was excellent, and the salt on the air was refreshing. Khun led him to the terrace on their floor, where a small station was set up. A small table for the scissors, a handheld mirror, and a stool with a towel draped over it. Khun led Bam to the seat, turning him so that they’d face the scenery. Khun wrapped the towel securely around Bam’s neck. Bam found himself wondering why he wasn’t facing the resort. Maybe Khun thought he was getting tired of seeing four walls all the time surrounding him. Maybe Khun had a plan about what they were going to do after this, and being outside was the first step. Whatever the case was, he swallowed nervously. The last time he got his haircut was with Rachel. She had told him repeatedly that his hair was ratty and that it was hard to take care of as it was. He would feel better with it cut.
Now, he was sure he would feel better with it cut. It was long, it got in his way, and it wasn’t him, Jyu Viole Grace, the Slayer Candidate. He wanted nothing to do with it. Khun wasn’t wrong when he said that he would be noticeable if he kept it, but Bam was getting tired of looking at himself in the mirror, too reminded that there was still a shackle that connected him to FUG.
Khun tied his hair into a low ponytail, inching the tie slower to the base of his neck. “Ready?” He asked. Bam barely had time to nod before he heard the sound of the scissors gently snipping at his hair, and the weight fell like a heavyweight slipping from his grasp. His head felt as weightless as his heart did when he first got to the resort. The idea that Bam could leap off the railing and fly still embedded into his mind. Losing the long hair only brought it forth once again. He swallowed, feeling his eyes mist over as he listened to the scissors snip-snipping away at his hair, making it shorter and shorter.
He was free. The words sunk hard into his heart, into his soul. He was free . His friends were no longer in danger because of him. He didn’t have to be scared about failing a test and losing one of his friends. He could be with Khun and Rak. It hit him sideways that they could climb the tower again, just like they were supposed two on the 2nd-Floor. The same weightless feeling, the same realization that he had when he first looked out into the open sky without FUG hanging on his shoulders. Bam doubted he’d ever get used to the idea that he was free, and he was here.
“Are you okay?” Khun’s hands rested against Bam’s shoulders. The weight was grounding, reminding him that he shouldn’t fly too high into his thoughts. “You’re crying.”
“I’m okay,” Bam said, his voice unsteady in the whirlwind of emotions. He was happy; he was free, he was scared that this could be a horrible dream. “I’m okay. Keep going.”
“Well, if I kept going, you’ll be bald,” Khun said dryly. “I’ve been done for ages now. You haven’t looked in the mirror. I was a bit worried about my hair cutting abilities. I work hard on those you know.”
Oh. Bam turned to see that Khun was holding a mirror in front of his face. “It looks...like I did when I first met you.” It was short and choppy, just like it was back when he was younger. He liked that his bangs didn’t cover his eyes anymore. There was more life in his face and the cut.
“It’s the only hairstyle I knew you to have. I doubted you wanted to keep any amount of length.” Khun reached over and took the mirror back. He undid the towel that was wrapped around Bam’s shoulders and shook it over the railing. “Want to help me toss this?” He asked, gesturing towards the mess on the floor.
The long brown locks coiled around like snakes, harmless but intimidating. Bam reached down and picked some of the hair up. Even though he took care of his hair this time around, and it wasn’t ratty like when Rachel cut his hair, he found that he couldn’t stand the feeling of it. It was too slick, too soft, too impersonal. If Bam wore his hair long by choice, would he be proud of the way that it felt? It didn’t clump in his hands, nor was it wiry and broken. Even though his hair had been unhealthy and uncleaned when he first met Rachel, it was his. Bam tossed the ponytail overhead without much fanfare, watching it flutter down like feathers falling from a bird. Floating and free. Khun gathered the rest of the stress and also threw it over the railing.
“...Why did we just do that?” Bam asked.
“Birds like human hair for nests sometimes, so it’s nice to give back to nature.” Khun replied, “It’ll just be a waste to throw it away. We could’ve made it into a wig, I suppose, but I don’t think you’d appreciate someone wearing Jyu Viole Grace’s hair. Even if it is for a good cause.”
No. Bam’s stomach soured, and his throat hurt. No, he didn’t want someone to make a wig out of his hair. Good cause or not. Jyu Viole Grace was a terrible person. A terrible memory. He wasn’t sure how he’d react if he saw it again. He leaned against the railing, reminding himself to deepen his breathing. He tried to settle his stomach from the thought. “Birds are better.” He finally said, and the sourness exasperated. Nests were houses, and houses were warm. It was just as good. Better actually, because there was no way a bird could use it against him.
“I thought so too.” Khun leaned next to him, shoulders pressing against each other.
Bam leaned into it subconsciously for a moment. “Hey, Khun?”
“Hm?”
“Can I hug you?”
Khun looked over at him. Bam could see the wheels turning. “Sure.” He said, pushing himself off the railing. He barely had time to open his arms before Bam fell into them, gripping him close. He felt Khun’s arms wrap around him, and he felt safe. Protected. Home. “I like your hugs.”
Khun let out a soft laugh, “I’m glad they’re something you enjoy. I like your hugs too, Bam. You’re good at it.”
Really? Was that why Miseng would hug him a lot? Prince? Wangnan? It was more than just affection; it was that he also gave back good hugs? Bam’s chest constricted as he tightened his hold on Khun at the same time, overcome and overwhelmed. “I didn’t think I gave good hugs.” He admitted.
“You’d be hard-pressed to find someone that can lie with a hug, Bam,” Khun murmured. “They’re just as honest as kisses are, if not more telling about a person and their personality.”
Bam leaned back just a little before pressing his lips against Khun’s cheek. It was still cool and soft. If kisses were for close family and were honest, then this should not be a problem. “Thank you, Khun-ssi.” He was his precious friend, his family. Wangnan said it was okay for close family. Even though he didn’t know where Khun was on that scale, he knew that family was right on the mark. Khun was his family. Maybe not brother, but he was something. That was all Bam needed to know.
Khun, however, looked stunned. His blue eyes were wide as the sky as he stared wordlessly at Bam. Did he think Bam didn’t feel that they were that close? Bam swallowed, about to explain before Khun said, “You’re welcome, Bam.” Khun’s lips turned into a smile that made Bam’s heart swell and his feet lighter. “After I clean up a bit, want to go watch a movie with me? Endorsi told me that it was your first time at the theatre with her, and god only knows what terrible show she picked for you to watch as your first.”
“I’d like that,” Bam grinned. “I’ll go get ready! I’ll see you in a bit.” He took off back into the resort.
Much later, as a movie played in the background, Bam rested his head on Khun’s shoulder, feeling safer than he had in a long time. He didn’t understand some of the things in the movie, and that was okay. Being besides Khun was all that he could ever ask. Being around his friends and family was more than he could have ever wanted.
With Khun, he was safe and cared for, and that’s what mattered.