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Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Notes:

If we could all pretend that it hasn't been like a year and a half since this updated that would be great haha. I didn't write anywhere near as much as I would've liked to last year so this fic definitely fell by the wayside but that doesn't mean it left my head! So here it is, chapter 5! Next chapter is about half written as well so I'm hoping to finish it by the end of next year! (I'm kidding. Hopefully.) I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Chapter Text

Toshiro stared down at his phone, willing himself to just push the call button already. It probably wouldn't amount to anything anyway. He was almost certain that Karin still had him blocked. Well actually, he wouldn't be surprised if she'd unblocked him at some point after she walked out on him, running out of her own apartment. Knowing her as well as he did, he'd put money on her unblocking him a few days later, gathering the courage to face the situation, only to block him once more when he didn't try to contact her again. Never mind the fact that he literally couldn't. Signals couldn't just travel across the different realms and she'd left him with no choice but to go back that day without resolving anything. What else could he have done? Karin had left, blocked his phone, locked down her reiatsu so tightly that she was completely untrackable and went god knows where. Toshiro had looked desperately, went to the Kurosaki family household, her work, back to her flat, her gym, every other possible place he could think of, back to her place again and nothing. He tried for hours and hours before he could no longer justify staying in the human world.


That was the thing that really frustrated him. He knows. He knows it was the order to come back to Soul Society that scared her off. But instead of letting him try to fix it, to at least talk, she'd run away and cut off any pathway to her. So of course he went the only route he had left and went back. It had felt like a mistake, but how long was he supposed to chase after someone who didn't want to be found? How many times was he supposed to chase after Karin after she'd left him? Toshiro still isn't sure what he could've done differently besides stay in the human world longer and just hope Karin let herself be found quickly, but chances are he would've been retrieved by Soul Society before that happened. He could bullshit his way through being in the human world for hours after being ordered to come back, but days? Seireitei simply didn't keep that loose of a leash.


He had regretted it regardless though. He had tried several times to find some excuse to come back to the human world, kept his eyes and ears out for any missions or problems but it had ended up causing suspicion, with people wondering exactly why a captain was so interested in going there. His obvious desperation to go back in addition to his many previous visits had screwed him over. The Gotei 13 had clearly clamped down on him, piling him with work, making him unable to take leave, keeping things from him. He nearly lost his mind when he found out three weeks after the fact that there was a significant hollow threat in Karakura that they'd sent Vice-Captain Abarai for while he'd been looking for any excuse to go. Of course, that was the entire reason they never approached him with it. He knows that. He knows they suspect him of something, that they're watching him closely. Frankly he's surprised that they let him go now, but presumably they thought six months was enough to calm him down. To prevent whatever was pulling him back. It wasn't. He brought himself back to the present moment, refocusing his eyes back onto his phone. Chances are they were monitoring it. Toshiro sort of suspected Soul Society always did to be honest, keeping a rough eye on the shinigamis out and about, but this was different. He was sure they were actively listening, actively searching his phone records. He can't find it within himself to care. What were the chances she'd pick up anyway? He hit the call button.


An automated message. This caller is unavailable. Of course. He'd known it before he tried it but it still twisted his stomach. Toshiro didn't know what to do from here. The immediate answer was to just leave Karin alone. At this point it was probably the logical thing to do, with her having gone completely no-contact on him. A large, traitorous part of him argued against it though. He wouldn't lie to himself, some of it was because of his own wants. It had been half a year since he'd seen her, their last meeting going catastrophically wrong with her abandoning him and he still couldn't get her out of his mind. It had hurt, that Karin would just leave like that, but he wasn't convinced it was actually about him. Historically speaking Karin had no problem telling people if she thought they were wrong or had fucked up. He had a feeling that if it was about him she would've argued, fought and proved why he was the reason things weren't working between them. If he had screwed up she would've sought vindication. None of that had happened, she just...left. And this wasn't the first time she'd avoided him. The last time it was largely because she was mortified by her hollow and therefore her own feelings. He had a sneaking suspicion she'd left this time for similar reasons, because of her own doubts and fears. He still remembers what her hollow had said, that Karin thought it was inevitable that one of them would run away. He can't help but think she did it first to try and make it easier on herself.


The thing is if Karin's so convinced that they wouldn't work then surely the last thing he should do is leave her entirely? Doesn't that just prove her right? But where exactly were the boundaries? When did it become crossing the line? Toshiro started walking with no particular destination in mind. The temptation was to find her, but he had no idea what he'd even say to her. He'd thought about it many times, too many times, the imagined conversation changing as the time stuck in Seireitei went on, but the truth was he had absolutely no idea how Karin would react to seeing him again. Especially if he specifically hunts her down only to not know what to say to her. Explain obviously, that would be a good start. That he had wanted to come back much quicker but had effectively gotten trapped. Confront her perhaps, on her running away from him. He didn't want to push his luck but surely he was justified in bringing it up? She's given him so much grief about how they wouldn't work but she was the one who left. She's the one who ensured it wouldn't. He shook his head, ridding the thought. Approaching her with anger would be extraordinarily stupid. They were prone to arguments these days as it was, he wasn't going to start the conversation that way. If he definitely goes to find her that is.


Toshiro checked the time and took in his surroundings. He'd been walking aimlessly for over half an hour, ending up a little outside the city centre if he remembered correctly. He took a deep breath. He didn't desperately try to get to the human world for six months just to chicken out. If it went badly, if she didn't want to talk to him well then, that was that. He couldn't not try. It was almost midday and finding Karin could take a while, with where he was in Karakura he decided he might as well make his way to the city centre proper, get some food and check her work first.


It had taken another twenty minutes of walking until he was in parts he recognised fully, finding a convenience store he's sure he's been in before, grabbing food and paying easily enough. He walked back out, rearranging his carrier bag as he went.


“What are you doing here?”


Jesus fucking christ. Toshiro stopped stock-still, almost afraid to look up. Of course he'd run into her like this, completely unprepared. He refused to lose this opportunity though, chalking it up to fate. He looked up and faltered again. Sure enough it was Karin, but she wasn't alone, an unfortunately attractive man with her. He remembered why he'd gone to this convenience store before, it was close to Karin's work, but neither she or the man were dressed for that. So they weren't colleagues, or at least not today. He could feel his hands tightening to fists as his heart beat faster and he tried to swallow his rage down. Just because she was with this guy didn't mean she was with him. She had a tendency to get on with men more than women, they could easily just be friends. He did his best to act normal, lifting the carrier bag in a half shrug. “Getting lunch.”


“That's not-” Karin stopped herself midway, eyes flicking to the man besides her. “I mean, why are you in town?”


Toshiro shrugged both shoulders this time, unsure how to have a conversation with a stranger in the mix. “Visiting.”


Karin's face fell. “Visiting.” She glanced at the other man again. “You never said anything.”


Toshiro almost laughed, a cruel sound if he'd let it leave his mouth. His tone still ended up accusatory despite his best efforts. “I tried, but you blocked my number remember?”


The man with her, who had on a polite smile the entire time, recoiled a little, eyes flicking between the two of them. To his credit he moved closer to Karin, positioning himself to physically intervene if need be, asking her quietly if she wanted to leave.


Karin shook her head. “Nah, Toshiro's clearly just leaving, he's good at that.”


The anger Toshiro had been suppressing broke free all at once, voice harsh immediately. “Excuse me? You're the one who left.”


Karin opened her mouth, ready to argue but never actually saying anything. Toshiro felt a sense of dark satisfaction that she had no argument against what he said. And with him now further up front, Toshiro could see the exact moment the meaning of this whole exchange had hit the man, now looking between the two of them for an explanation.


Toshiro felt himself seethe but held himself back. She was dating this guy, had to be with the way he was reacting. But as much as he hated to admit it, the man was innocent in all of this, clearly unaware of what had happened between them. Besides if Karin was seeing other people then that was his answer wasn't it? She was so scared that they wouldn't work that she ran the other way and was finding other men to be with. So be it.


Karin pulled at the man's arm, dragging him away. “Come on, let's just go.”


And there she went, running away yet again. He couldn't stop himself from calling out to her, “you know it's your fault right? If you ever find yourself wondering why we didn't work out, it's because of you. You left. Over and over again.”


Karin ignored him, still pulling the other guy away. The other guy however, kept flicking his head between the two of them, obviously concerned. Toshiro deliberately kept his feet where they were for as long as he was in eyesight of him. He was pissed but he wasn't gonna chase after them or start a fight. What would be the point? He scoffed to himself. Karin clearly wasn't worth it. Why should it just be him fighting for them? He told himself this was the last attempt and the results were clear. He started walking in the other direction, wanting to be as far as he could. He was tempted to just go back home, but he was too pent up to deal with people right now, let alone squad members he was in charge of. He needed to walk away, needed to be alone.


He ended up walking around and pacing nonstop for hours. It was only when he found himself on the hill where they'd watched sunsets countless times that he pulled himself out of his head, anger, frustration and grief hitting him all at once. He has his answer. It wasn't the one he wanted, but that's what he came here for, to find out once and for all where they stood and she'd given him a clear answer. He sighed and stepped over the low railing, settling on the grass. It was done. They were done. Really he should've known. Six months was a long time in the human world, what was Karin gonna do, wait for him? Part of him expected her to, but she had never been invested like he was, that much was obvious. Never willing to risk, never willing to fight, never even trying. He checked the time. 16:18. A few hours away till sunset, but that was alright. He was patient. He would watch the sunset here one last time and leave, never seeing her again.


Toshiro glanced at the carrier bag he hadn't gone back into. He supposed he should eat even if he didn't feel like it. There wasn't much else to do and he already felt terrible enough without adding a headache into the mix. Well, a worse headache anyway. All of the emotions and walking around in the sun all afternoon hadn't done him any favours. He pulled the onigiri wrapping apart and took slow bites, chewing mechanically.


“What the fuck were you thinking!?”


Toshiro choked, genuinely surprised. He quickly pulled out the drink he'd bought as well, coughing as he got it open, finally swallowing a few mouthfuls to clear his throat properly. Karin had continued shouting at him the whole time, but he hadn't heard a thing. He felt like that said it all really. She was more interested in being mad at him than anything else. He took another drink, screwing the cap on before turning around, not bothering to get up. “What do you want?”


Karin glared dangerously at him. “What do I want? I want you to leave me alone! I want you to-”


“Is you tracking me down and yelling at me part of you wanting me to leave you alone?”


“Oh for fuck's sake-”


“No.” He stood up, facing her properly. “We're not doing this. I intend to leave you alone and never see you again. Happy?”


Karin huffed and crossed her arms. “Oh yeah, only after you found me and created a scene in front of my boyfriend. Or ex-boyfriend I should say! Because of your bullshit he broke up with me! Said he didn't want to get involved in a messy situation, no matter how many times I told him we were done.”


Toshiro rolled his eyes. “I don't know what you want me to do about that, I feel like it was clear we were over.”


“We never started.”


He bristled at that. “So literal years of friendship and feelings meant nothing then? Sleeping together meant nothing?”


Karin rolled her eyes right back at him. “Sex doesn't mean love Toshiro.”


“It did for me. With you.”


Karin scoffed, looking away. “Unbelievable.”


Toshiro narrowed his eyes at her. “Excuse me?”


“You expect me to believe that? That you love me?”


He took a step forward. “What part of that exactly is unbelievable?”


She stared at him for a moment, suddenly dangerously calm. “Believe it or not Toshiro you've never shown that you loved me. Had feelings for me? Sure, but love? No.” She shook her head to herself. “It's never felt like you love me.”


Toshiro threw his arms out in frustration. “What the fuck else am I supposed to do then?”


“What are you talking about? All you've actually done is be just as bad as I am at pretending we're still friends, fuck me and then leave me?”


You left first!”


“Ok fine but you left right after-”


“Right after? I looked for you for hours, you're the one who ran away, you wouldn't let me call you, wouldn't let me find you-”


“Yeah that day. You never tried after that. You don't think I was waiting to see if you'd come again? You don't think I was constantly feeling out for your reiatsu only for you to disappear for months!”


“I couldn't come back! Seireitei-”


Karin laughed hysterically. “Exactly! That's why I left-”


“You never gave me a chance t-”


“To what? What could you possibly do in the face of Soul Society itself? You couldn't even come find me-”


“Well what would've been the point?” He glared at her. “I tried that today and you're with someone else! I'm not gonna chase someone who doesn't want me.”


Karin glared back at him. “I do want you! Did. I did want you. But I can't do this-”


“Do what? Leave me? Ignore me? Never try to find me even though you evidently could have?”


Confusion took over her face. “What?”


Toshiro sighed, some of the fight leaving him. “You just said you kept feeling out for my reiatsu, you're seriously telling me you didn't know I was here today?”


Confusion gave way to upset. “Yeah I didn't. Funnily enough I gave up after the months you disappeared on me.”


Toshiro's brow furrowed. “After you disappeared on me! You keep giving me shit for not coming after you but you didn't do anything either!”


“That's not-”


“It is! You keep backing away and then wonder why I back off!? And then you stand there and tell me it's my fault? You didn't feel like I loved you? Were you too busy looking for every sign that I didn't? Maybe Soul Society did me a favour, this isn't worth it.”


Toshiro watched Karin as she teared up while her expression became accepting. Of course. Of fucking course, because this is exactly what she thought would happen. Exactly what she ensured would happen. She expected him to hurt her so she put him in a position where he could do nothing but hurt her. Put him in an impossible situation. Either don't chase her and abandon her or hunt her down and trap her in a relationship she clearly didn't believe in. What was the fucking point? He wanted no part in this. He turned around and he left.