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“Madam President,” Arkadian asked, “would you say it’s bestiality to marry a dog?”
“It depends, I suppose. Why are you even asking, Arkadian? Why in Rassilon’s name are you asking me these kinds of questions in the middle of the night?”
“Ah... the usual morbid curiosity, I suppose. You know how it is.”
“No, Arkadian, I really don’t, because most people don't date dogs!”
“But—but it’s a robot dog, not an actual dog!”
“No buts! Get out of my sight until you have something useful to contribute! Which, given your standards, will be never!”
”Fine! But don’t say I didn’t warn you, m’lady.”
Romana slammed the door on his fingers, making sure it hurt. “Get out of my sight, dogfucker!”
Arkadian winced. “This is what made me misogynistic.”
“Your fucking loss!” he heard Romana yell from the other side of the door.
“Lady Leela?”
“What was that about dogs I heard?”
“You don’t want to know, m’lady.”
“If it made you misogynistic, somehow, then yes. I do.” Leela glared at him, reaching for her knife.
“Now, now,” he laughed nervously. “No need for violence, methinks!”
“Methinks? This is Gallifrey, not England.”
Arkadian frowned. “But England is my passion! And tea is just so refreshing, don’t you think? It does utter wonders for the soul.”
“You can take your so-called wonders and stick them where the suns don’t shine, Arkadian. None of this justifies bestiality.”
“Jealous, are we?”
“There is no ‘we’ in this conversation. There is only ‘you.’ You are the one who wishes to...” Leela scowled. “Seduce an animal.”
“You make it sound so much worse than it is.”
“I’ll tell you what it is, you—”
Arkadian finally saw sense and bolted away from Leela before she could injure him considerably.
I still think she’s just jealous.
“Braxiatel.”
“Arkadian.”
“Do tell me why you chose to call for a meeting with me. On a Wednesday, of all things.”
“What’s wrong with Wednesdays?”
“You said it yourself. ‘On Wednesdays we wear pink.’ I never want to see that hideous suit of yours again.”
“I’m just flattered, dearest Irving.”
Braxiatel raised an eyebrow. “You’re addressing me by my first name? Are you sure you’re feeling quite alright?”
“Yes, actually. Now, to business. I wish to weasel a way to Romana’s tin can man.”
Brax spat out his tea. “K-9? First of all, why?”
“And second of all?”
“Er.”
“Ah, so there isn’t a second of all! I hate people who do that.” Arkadian sniffed.
“Do shut up.” Brax straightened his tie (unnecessary), smoothed back his hair (doubly unnecessary), and checked his smile in a mysterious mirror that just happened to be in his fourth upper-right jacket pocket (so unnecessary Arkadian wanted to cry).
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“It’s an ‘I am currently debating as to whether I should threaten you with a lawsuit, will you please shut up for once in your life,’ Arkadian.”
“Excellent!” Arkadian said. “Let’s get started.”
“Thrilling.”
“Isn’t it just.” Arkadian gave him a sickening grin.
“K-9! How good to see you, my dear dog!”
K-9’s head tilted up to look at him.
“Oh dear, are we feeling cranky today?
“I do not feel negative emotions,” droned K-9.
“Well, isn’t that just swimming.”
“No. This is a conversation. Swimming would be ‘enjoyable.’ I would ‘have fun’ watching you drown.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“Thank you.”
“How would you feel about a date?” Before K-9 could rattle off a day of the year, Arkadian added, “In Brax’s illegal collection. Romantic, eh?”
“Illegal things are not good.”
“But they are romantic.”
“If you say so.”
“See you there then!”
With that, Arkadian disappeared with his vortex manipulator, and promptly threw up.
“Arkadian, you’re under arrest.”
“Torvald? Oh, I’m delighted to see you.”
“Arkadian! Y-you’re under arrest, did you not hear me?” he stammered.
“Of course I bloody heard you,” Arkadian snapped back. “Doesn’t mean I want to listen to you, does it?” He folded his arms and glared at Torvald.
Torvald glared right back. “D-do you want to be stasered?”
“I mean ... it’s kind of hot, huh?”
“What—no! Arkadian, please just come peacefully and we won’t have any problems.”
“Why are you even arresting me? I’m completely innocent.” Arkadian made pleading eyes at Torvald. “C’mon, I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’m just a little boy. You love me r—”
Before he could say another word, Torvald stasered him.
From over his headset, he heard Romana yell to “murder Arkadian whilst you have the chance!” and that “that’s extremely out of character for you, Madam President, are you sure you’re feeling alright?”
Torvald turned off the headset before he had to hear another spat between Romana and Darkel.