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Dear James....
You’re sleeping right now, and my heart is breaking because I wish that you would allow yourself to rest more often... You break yourself down constantly, physically and mentally and you’re crashing...
I know you’ll never see this letter that I’m writing to you because this is just a way for me to get my thoughts out... There are so many things I wish I could tell you but I just can’t... I don’t want you to be upset or feel guilty...
I don’t even know where to start.
Fuck... James... I wish you knew that none of what you’re experiencing is your fault. I wish that you were able to see yourself the way that I see you...
I know I tell you this all the time but you really are one of the strongest people that I’ve met in my life, and probably the most authentic and genuine... You make me feel safe whenever I’m around you and that’s one of the best feelings that a person can give someone... The world can be fuckin’ cruel, but you’ve always managed to help remind me that even when there is darkness, there is light too.
I’m talking about your soul, James.
I wish you could see how powerful your energy is when you walk into a room. Your soul radiates with warmth and you bring such a calming aura to everyone around you... I know I’m speaking for myself right now, but I’m pretty sure that everyone else who knows you thinks the same exact thing...
How can they not?
I’m trying not to cry as I see the way you’re curled into yourself right now... You’re under tons of blankets, yet your body is shivering and I can still see how sick you are... I just want to make things better for you, but I know that there’s nothing I can do except be here for you... I’m trying the best I can, but I feel like it’s not enough, and I hate that...
I hate it so much.
I hate that I can’t take your pain away because of all fuckin’ people in the world, you’re the last one who deserves to feel like this... I wish that you could see it for yourself but I know your brain is brutal to you. It’s fuckin’ brutal and I HATE the shit that it spits out at you all the time...
I only know what it tells you because you tell me... And every time you share some of what goes on in your head, my heart shatters a little bit more... It breaks because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that such good people like you in the world have to go through this...
It’s not fair that you can’t see yourself as someone who’s worthy of love... care... compassion... comfort... nurture...
I hate seeing you treat yourself like a piece of garbage... like someone who doesn’t matter, because everything about you matters. Your feelings matter. Your emotions matter. Your experience matters. All of that matters but something inside of you is so fuckin’ strong and I hate how it completely blinds you from the truth.
It completely disconnects you from the facts... That you’re an amazing person with an amazing soul who deserves nothing but good things...
The way that you treat yourself is so inhumane... I know I can’t make you do anything or tell you how you’re supposed to live your life, but I can’t help but just plead internally... I catch myself praying to God to take your pain away... To let you finally feel the peace that you deserve... I beg him every night and I hope that he’s listening to me... I hope that he can hear me because I feel desperate! I feel desperate to help you as much as I can... despite how many times I’ve been told that it’s up to you...
James... I know you’re trying... Please don’t get me wrong here. You’re fighting your ass off and i can’t imagine how tormenting it all must feel for you... I know you’re exhausted, but I am so proud of you... I’m so proud of you because I know that you’re trying even though things feel unbearable.
I know that James, but I’m scared, and I hate to say this because I know you’re fuckin’ strong, but I can’t help it.
I’m scared because I see how much you’re struggling right now and it terrifies me to the core that history could repeat itself... I hate to acknowledge how helpless I feel but I need to... I feel helpless.
I feel helpless when I see the way you freeze up whenever food is put in front of you... When you’ve told me that your stomach feels stitched shut even before you’ve eaten anything, my own stomach feels hollow... It feels hollow but I know it’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault that your moods have been so unstable and erratic... You can’t control your brain chemistry and I know that you wish you could but it’s impossible. You didn’t ask for your bipolar... You didn’t ask for your mind to torture you... You never asked for any of this shit to happen to you...
You didn’t ask for it, but that doesn’t take away how painful it is to see you like this.
You’ve told me some pretty disturbing things since you’ve been home, and I’m feeling suffocated just thinking about them... I’m proud of you for opening up to me because I know that’s so hard for you, but I’m terrified.
When you told me that you’ve been having suicidal thoughts, I felt my heart stop... Everything felt like it was crashing down in front of me because I already almost lost you once... and I can’t bear to think about it happening again...
The number of times that you’ve retreated into yourself and started apologizing is heartbreaking. I wish I could shake you by the shoulders whenever you say sorry, because you have nothing to apologize for... You didn’t do anything wrong, yet something inside of you is so convinced that you did... I don’t understand and I wish I could, but at the same time I don’t... The truth is so scary but I know I need to face it...
I’m still watching you right now, and I don’t know if you can see... I know you can’t see me, but I can see you, and I’m petting your hair now. I’m petting it because you’re crying. You’re curling into yourself and I can’t stand to see you look so hurt and scared...
What are you scared of?
I wish you would tell me... I wish I could help you see that you’re okay, and safe... I wish that you would open up to me and explain why you feel like you can’t show your emotions or express yourself... I wish you weren’t so terrified to allow yourself to release everything inside of you that’s eating away at your soul..
You’re destroying yourself to try to silence your head, but it’s not helping you, James... Nikki tells me how addictions work, and I know you feel threatened because you’re fighting the demons, so you’re doing new things to try to cope the same way... I know it feels like smoking will help ease your anxiety... I know that hurting yourself feels like it’ll numb you from your pain... I know starving yourself and pushing the food out of your body is a way for you to try to get rid of all of the yucky feelings that are trapped inside of you... But James... None of that works.
None of it.
Trust me when I say that I know... I’m in the same fuckin’ boat right now but I hate talking to you about it because I know you’ll blame yourself... You blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault and it gets me so fuckin’ angry! You’re not a bad person but you treat yourself like one... You treat yourself like you’re a fuckin’ criminal, and you don’t deserve it!
YOU DON’T DESERVE ANY OF THIS!
You don’t deserve to feel so tortured and tormented every second of every damn day! You don’t deserve to feel so scared of comfort and love and compassion... You shouldn’t have to deal with these demons but you are, and it’s not fair.
It’s not fair!
I want to protect you from everything that your head shoots out at you, but I can’t... I want to shield you from everything bad that you feel is coming for you, but I can’t... I want to desperately tell you that everything will be okay but I know that you don’t believe me... and sometimes I get scared that I don’t believe myself either...
I want to block you from all the urges you have to hurt yourself... The behaviors that leave you with self-inflicted wounds scattered all over your body... The impulsivity that frightens you and sends you into an episode of dissociation that you don’t remember even when you snap out of it...
I want to stop all your pain... Your torment... Your sadness... Your fear... Your anger... I want to stop all of of the horrible thoughts that shoot through your head... and I want to stop your body from flinching every time I try to fuckin’ console you... Every time I try to hug you...
I wish I could make all of your worries go away, and I wish that I could make your therapy easier for you, but I know I can’t. You told me that you’re starting to dig with Rachel, and I realize that’s why you’re having such a hard time... but I can’t help but ask myself what it is that you’re working through...
What happened in your past that made such a powerful impact on the way that you see yourself... What happened?
Who the fuck hurt you?!
I just want to know because whoever did is a fuckin’ piece of horse shit! That’s the thing, James! I know how your mind messes with you and convinces you that you’re the bad one... It tells you that you don’t deserve shit and that everyone would be better off if you were fuckin’ dead, but that’s NOT TRUE—
You know what? I’m not even holding in my tears anymore because it’s not fair!
You’re crying in your sleep and god only knows what you’re dreaming about... God only knows what torment is shooting through your head right now... You probably feel so alone and I hate that because you’re never alone... I wish you would understand that I’ll never leave no matter how much you push me away... No matter how much you try to convince me that you’re horrible and that I’m better off giving up, I will never...
I could never stop caring about you.
I don’t give a shit how much you hate when I say that! I don’t care that you think so fuckin’ low of yourself that you get angry with me when I challenge the crap that your brain shoots at you... I don’t care about any of that!
All I care about is that you’re healthy and that you stay with me, James.
I know that you wish you weren’t here sometimes, and I know that you think it would be so much easier to just give up so you wouldn’t have to feel anything but please... God, James I’m begging you... You can’t give up on me now... Not after everything that’s happened already.
You are so strong and I know you can get through this but you have to fight your head! Please, for the love of God. You NEED to!
I know you resist everyone’s comfort and support whenever they offer it to you. I know that you don’t believe me when I tell you that you deserve love, but why would I lie to you about that?!
Why the fuck would I ever lie?!
Friends don’t tell each other lies and I know that it’s not you talking when you blow up at me for trying to help... I know it’s just the demons taking over... I know the real you is stuck in the back hidden somewhere when you have those outbursts but at the same time...
I NEED you to see that I’m being honest.
I need you to know how much I fuckin’ give a shit.
You have no idea how many times I thought I was gonna lose you... You really have no fuckin’ clue how many times I used to wake up in the middle of the night, hysterically crying because I was scared that every morning would be the morning that I would find you dead.
I still have the nightmares but the difference now is that you’re alive... and okay... but James... The scars are still there... And they haunt me every day... They haunt me and I need you to know that if I didn’t care about you, none of this would be bothering me!
The way that you’re curled up right now is just reminding me of the night that you ran into traffic... You don’t know about this, but I saw the whole thing... I know you don’t remember doing it, but you panicked so badly when me and Nikki confronted you... We only confronted you because we were both so terrified that you were gonna die on the spot right then and there... Your face was fuckin’ translucent... Your hands were shaking and they looked purple... You looked like you could have collapsed at any second and I don’t know how you were holding yourself up.
We just wanted to help, but you got scared. You got scared and you ran... Everything felt like a blur to me but it was in that very moment when I saw Nikki pull you away from that damn car that my heart fuckin’ stopped and I really felt like the world was ending...
Nikki had to hold you tight because you were trying to get out of his arms, but he couldn’t let you go... He couldn’t because if he did, who knows what could have happened... He managed to calm you down and you fell asleep in a disoriented state on your bed in the hotel room..
I’ll never forget how sick you looked in that moment... The sweatshirt that you were wearing was so huge and you looked like you were swimming in it. You were laying so still and the frailness of your body made an impending sense of doom crush me... I remember just crying as I looked at you and rubbed circles into your hand... I just wanted to tell you how much I cared about you... and how terrified I was to lose you.
You don’t know this, but when I was kneeling by you, watching you... I started to pray... I recited a healing prayer that I learned when I was kid... Tears were running down my face as I begged God to help you... I hysterically pleaded with him, as I watched you shiver under multiple blankets, with no color to your face, and slow breathing... Breathing that I was expecting to stop...
I was expecting something horrible to happen...
I can’t explain how intense my fear was... But the reason why it consumed me and still does is because of how much I fuckin’ CARE.
You’re laying here right now and I just want to hug you so bad, but I know if I do you’ll flinch... Every time I try to touch you or console you, I feel your body stiffen, and I see the pure panic in your eyes. It’s like your head is telling you that something so fuckin’ horrible will happen if you let yourself be held and loved... But James... nothing will!
Nothing’s gonna happen to you and you DESERVE IT!
You deserve it so much and I just want to be able to secure you and cover you up in all of the love that I know you need... You panic when I tell you that you’re worthy, and you resist the fact that you’re a good person, but FUCK!
WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT?!
How can you say that I would lie to you about this when I was fuckin’ cradling you back and forth the night that I found you?!
I was, James!
I was cradling you like a mother would do to their fuckin’ child! I felt like a parent that was witnessing their kid dying in their arms, even though I know I’m not your parent... It felt like that!
I couldn’t stand to let go of you and I just cried, soaking your sick, bony body with my tears. I was terrified to loosen my grip on you because I really thought I was losing you forever... The paramedics had to pull me off of you so they could put you on the stretcher!
I couldn’t let go!
I was securing you because you needed it. You needed it so fuckin’ badly, and you still do!
You don’t know anything about this because I’ve never told you... I don’t know how you would react but sometimes I think that you NEED to know...
Sometimes I’m scared to see how you would react if I told you that I was holding you in such a fragile state...
It hurts so bad that the only time you allow yourself to be comforted and loved is when you’re not aware of anything... You weren’t there, and you couldn’t feel me... But I felt you... I felt your weak pulse, and I felt your bones... Fuck.
All I felt were your bones.
My tears are falling harder now that I think about that and I can’t get the memory out of my head... I can feel you squeezing my hand right now, and even though you’re asleep, you still somehow find a way to comfort me...
Even when you’re going through the worst hell that anyone could ever go through, you still push away your struggles to help everyone else...
I just want you to be able to help yourself. My tears are soaking your hand, and I can’t take my eyes off of you even though I know you’re an adult and you’re okay... I just want you to be okay...
I need you to be okay.
I wish you knew what you looked like right now... I wish you knew how fragile and small you seem... How scared and distressed you are...
Your body is freezing but I can feel the sweat dripping down your face. You’re shivering but you’re flushed... I wish you had talked to me before you slept outside in the cold last night and got yourself sick... I wish you would tell me when you’re having urges to hurt yourself so you won’t show up with any more cuts up and down your arms... I wish I didn’t smell all of the cigarette smoke on you because it’s just a reminder that you’re still finding ways to destroy your body...
I wish you felt safe enough in your own skin to not feel the need to constantly self-destruct.
I wish that you felt safe enough to tell me what’s wrong.
I just want you to talk to me.
Talk to me so I can help you... That’s all I want...
I can’t stay here feeling so helpless... I’m gently wiping your tears off your face but I just know that more will fall down... I hate seeing you cry, but at the same time I’m almost relieved.
I’m relieved because you’re releasing some of your baggage but I wish that you would do it when you’re awake...
I wish you felt safe enough to.
I know I can’t do anything right now but just stay here with you, but I really hope that when you wake up, you’ll remember that no matter what you feel about yourself or what you’re experiencing, that I’ll be here...
I’ll always be here...
I’ll be here to remind you that you’re loved... and cared for... and worthy... I’ll be here to tell you when your brain is lying to you about things that aren’t real... I’ll be here to encourage you whenever you feel like giving up...
I’ll be here and I’ll challenge the fuck outta your manipulative mind because one day you will see...
You’ll recognize that you deserve every ounce of kindness and love that you give me, and everyone else.
And if you don’t, well... I’ll keep on telling you....
I’ll continue to until the day I fuckin’ die.
Your badass mohawked pal,
DJ