Chapter Text
Taehyung can't sleep.
Hajoon is beside him, once again sleeping soundly after having been fed just a few minutes before. He had woken Taehyung up from his half asleep slumber, one that felt like five minutes instead of the good two and a half hours Hajoon had been asleep as well.
Now, he apparently can’t sleep.
It’s four in the morning and the birds are starting to sing outside, the summer heat still not yet looming over the city with its thick, sticky air. Instead, the air that flows in through the window he had forgotten to close is cool, and maybe that’s another reason as to why he can’t seem to keep his eyes shut.
He knows their neighbor’s balcony houses a nest of some bird type Taehyung has never heard the name of, but can clearly recreate the sound of their call if asked to. He can hear it flap away just then, his room the closest to their left side neighbor. It’s melancholic in a way, this blue hour.
He thinks he’s going crazy, all the lack of sleep and the past month of events hitting him dead on at the same time, creating a twisted ball of anxiety in his chest that didn’t want to unravel no matter how hard he tried to regulate his breathing.
“Fuck.” He groans before he stumbles out of bed to go splash some water on his face in the ensuite bathroom. It’s freezing because he doesn’t wait for it to warm up and it feels amazing against his overheated skin. Shocks him enough to regain focus on himself in the mirror. Or, what’s left of himself as of now.
It’s terrifying. Every last bit of it.
He had almost forgotten Hajoon in the apartment the first time he had to step outside, after only a week had passed since his birth. He was running late for Hajoon’s first check up, having only slept three hours that same night. He would’ve already been inside his car if Jimin hadn’t luckily come in at the exact same time with two of his dance friends, calling him just in time to turn back into their building and press their floor number on the elevator once again.
It leaves him wondering what the hell he got himself into. Makes him wonder if it’s even worth it.
No, of course his son is worth it. He’s not allowed to just worry for himself anymore, there’s a whole other human that he decided to care for. Someone who can't make their own choices yet, someone who depends on him to live.
He sighs, and shuts off the tap. The towel is a soft gray, one that he knows belongs to Jimin because all his towels are earthly tones except for that one random patterned towel he found at an Ikea in the middle of the midwest back when his family had taken a road trip when he was seventeen. He knows Jimin has been silently caring for him too, his pride wouldn’t have allowed him to if he blatantly did it. He never wanted to burden Jimin with the task of taking care of him.
Jimin’s been washing the dishes, making dinner when he decides to take a nap with Hajoon during the day, and even changing his towels apparently. Which is kind of worthless given he doesn’t shower more than maybe five times a week anymore, and yeah it’s disgusting but he can’t even find the energy to stand in the shower everyday. Not to mention Hajoon won’t allow anyone but he, Jimin, and Seokjin to hold him. He broke his first heart when he let out a loud cry when he was handed to Namjoon for the first time.
Namjoon had sulked for the next hour before Hajoon called for a truce when he held onto Namjoon’s finger tightly instead.
This meant that either he or Jimin had to be around at all times, Seokjin only came over when Taehyung desperately needed him. (Which was every other day, and Taehyung already feels guilty enough.)
Seongjoong had kept his promise as well, and had come down into the city to see his first born nephew two days after he was born. He managed to placate Hajoon enough to hold him for half an hour before the baby started getting fussy. He was also nice enough to bring them some groceries to keep them well fed for at least a week or two—to which Taehyung might’ve teared up at, but he blames that on his lack of sleep for making him emotional.
His own mother and father hadn’t come to see him since the third day he was home, too busy within their own lives. They had seen Hajoon through video calls and photos, sending so many hearts and messages full of compliments for their beautiful grandson. They had sent Taehyung multiple messages apologizing for being swamped with work to not be able to spend more than a day with them, as well. His step-mother had also caught the flu after arriving from her trip, so she sadly had to stay away from the newborn for a while as to not expose him to anything.
Taehyung can’t lie and say that he hasn’t been craving his parents’ presence, the sense of security that they all bring. He had made sure to spend at least two weekends a month at home, to remind himself of where he came from, to not waste the time he still had left with his parents, unlike some of his peers who left home and never looked back. He hadn’t been able to do that since he started working, and he can’t do that now that Hajoon is still so little.
He drops the towel onto the counter instead of hanging it back on the rack, and walks back into his bedroom. The chirping of the birds ring so loud in his sleep deprived brain that he moves to finally slide the window shut. The quiet that falls over the room once again makes his shoulders relax.
Even Hajoon remains undisturbed, his arms stretched beside his head and his chest rising up and down with a sense of ease that makes even Taehyung feel sleepy once again.
He crawls under his covers and sets the empty bottle that digs into his side when he lays down onto the bedside table where at least two others are. He’s glad Hajoon had taken the pacifier, though his mom told him that it’s going to be a hassle to wean him off it in the future. That’s a problem for future Taehyung, as he’d definitely like to enjoy at least some peace and quiet now.
In between the silence and the soft breaths coming from his son, Taehyung allows himself to finally drift off to sleep.
“You look terrible.” Jimin says to him weeks later when he walks past the living room to go into the kitchen. He comes back with a granola bar in his hand.
Jimin smells like the orange blossom perfume he uses, and he looks more put together than Taehyung has in going on six weeks. Even if Hajoon had been keeping them both up these past few weeks, Jimin’s always been better than Taehyung about taking care of himself. He’s got his practice wear on, and Taehyung kind of wants to punch him for deciding to leave him alone with a sulky baby.
He reminds himself that Hajoon is in fact his sulky baby, and not Jimin’s, so he really cannot act upon his urges. Even if he’d rather Jimin keep him company instead of going to his paying job that is the one sole income that is keeping them with a roof over their heads at the moment.
“Thank you, Jimin” Taehyung deadpans. He’s rocking Hajoon in the bassinet, something the six week old baby has shown to like as he instantly falls asleep after a few minutes. It’s quite the miracle he’s even asleep, given Hajoon hadn’t been sleeping very well the past week.
Jimin rolls his eyes. “Tae, go take a shower and shave, please. I’ll look after Hajoon for a while. I don’t have to be at the studio for another hour and a half.” He stuffs the last half of his granola bar into his mouth.
Taehyung glances down at Hajoon before turning back to Jimin. “You sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.” Jimin says through his mouthful as he sits down beside Taehyung on the couch. He swallows, “I think I’ve gotten pretty good at this baby thing, so don’t worry.” He sends Taehyung a smile that if he had the energy, Taehyung would’ve probably pushed him off the couch for.
“Yeah, yeah. Alright, I won’t take long.” Taehyung stands up and hears some popping noises sound throughout his body. He hadn’t thought he’d been sitting down that long. Jimin surprisingly doesn’t say a word about it.
“Take all the time you need. Yong and Hoseok hyung will understand if I tell them to come a few minutes late.” Jimin reassures him, his focus already on studying all of Hajoon’s features as though he hasn’t had him memorized down to even the tiniest details.
Taehyung nods in response even if Jimin isn’t looking at him to see, and heads into his room. He forgoes searching for clean clothes just yet, and goes straight into the en-suite, stripping his clothes as he goes. He doesn’t remember the last time he had changed his shirt, it’s probably got a day or two worth of stains and sweat because Hajoon had been fussy for the past few days. Meaning he hadn’t been able to set him down for more than a few minutes without him screaming out. He’s been picky about only being in Taehyung’s arms as well, leaving Jimin to give him apologetic stares as he tries to help Taehyung with everything else he can. Taehyung’s more than surprised he settled down enough for him to lay him in the bassinet for a while.
He switches on the water and waits for it to warm up before he steps in and sighs out at the warm water hitting his tired muscles. It feels amazing to have a moment to himself, to finally get rid of the oil in his hair and use some face wash on his skin. The amount of acne he had developed over the course of the past few weeks has been more than he’s ever had. He’ll have to steal some of Jimin’s products or have Seokjin buy him some from that store Yoongi gets them from.
He doesn’t take long, shutting off the water and wrapping a towel around his waist as he moves to the sink to shave off the stubble that Jimin has shown his distaste for multiple times. It’s relaxing to finally feel clean and fresh, like he’s really got himself together. Not like how he’d been feeling moments before getting into the bathroom. He swipes the razor down his face with a renewed spout of energy, a small smile on his face.
He’s surprised to see Hoseok and Taeyong in his living room when he re-emerges.
“Oh, Taehyung-ah,” Taeyong is the first to speak up when he notices him in the entryway of the living room. “Sorry if we’re intruding, but Jimin said he needed a ride, so he let us in.”
Taehyung shakes his head, heading into the kitchen to grab a bottle of orange juice. “Don’t apologize. You guys are welcome here anytime.” He gives them a smile and gets two of the brightest smiles he’s ever seen in return.
“We also wanted to see your beautiful baby!” Hoseok whispers excitedly, but quietly because Hajoon is still sleeping in the middle of the living room beside Jimin.
Taehyung’s smile widens, pride filling his chest, because damn right his baby is beautiful and he should definitely be addressed as such.
“You got him on a good day.” Taehyung admits as he settles down beside Jimin. “He’s been screaming our heads off nonstop for the past few days. We haven’t really figured out the reason.”
“Yeah,” Jimin chimes in, “He won’t allow us to put him down, and he has been sleeping less. Which poor Taehyung had barely been getting, maybe, four hours of sleep as is.”
Hoseok and Taeyong frown at their words, pouting as they eye the bassinet. ”Poor baby.” Hoseok says sadly, “That must be so tough on all of you.”
“Maybe it’s colic.” Taeyong suggests, catching the three other’s attention. “I could be wrong though.”
“Colic?” Taehyung asks, his eyebrows furrowed together. “I haven’t heard of that.”
“It’s actually pretty common, my sister’s son had it pretty bad as a newborn.” Taeyong pulls his phone out of his pants before typing something on it. “You usually have to wait at least three weeks to actually diagnose it, but it’s better to catch it early on.”
He hands the phone to Jimin and Taehyung looks over his shoulder to read what was presented on the screen. All of the symptoms seem to match up, the unrelentless crying, the messed up sleep schedule.
“Ah, I’ll have to ask his doctor when I go in on Friday for his check up.” Jimin hands the phone back to Taeyong who pockets it once again.
“That means two more days of crying ahead of us!” Jimin whoops sarcastically and Taehyung groans in response, letting his head fall onto Jimin’s shoulder, weakly raising a fist in mock celebration as well.
Taeyong gives them a sheepish smile. “About that,” both of them stare at him expectedly, “it takes a while to be resolved. Sometimes you have to wait for it to naturally pass.”
Hoseok sends them a look full of pity. Clapping a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder consolingly.
“I hope both sides of your pillow are hot.” Jimin turns his nose up at his fellow coach. “And you like, I don’t know, step on something wet with socks on.”
“Jiminie!” Hoseok laughs as softly as he can. Taehyung appreciates the effort very much.
“I deserved that.” Taeyong sighs in acceptance.
“I don’t mean to interrupt but don’t you guys have a class to get to?” Taehyung checks the time on his phone. “High school gets out in like thirty minutes.”
“Oh! Shit, yeah, we have to teach that group of theatre students choreography for their musical this year.” Hoseok stands up in a flash as he too checks the time on his phone.
“Ugh,” Jimin groans out loud, “I don’t want to be around snooty high school students right now.”
“You were the one who got us roped into the job, get your ass off that couch.” Taeyong stands up to put his shoes back on. “We both know Hoseok hyung drives like a grandpa. It’s a miracle if we get even ten minutes to prep before they all show up.”
“I do not!” Hoseok squeaks in offense.
“You do.” Taehyung nods his head.
Hoseok gapes at him. “Taehyung-ah, I thought I could trust you.”
“You managed to make a ten minute drive into twenty minutes because you’re too scared to even go the speed limit on the freeway.” Jimin laughs, bent over putting on his shoes by the door. “How you got your license before Yong and I remains a mystery.”
“You guys can take the bus for all I care.” Hoseok huffs, his tennis shoes already on and ready to go. “I will not tolerate this defamation.”
“It’s not defamation if it’s true.” Taehyung smiles cheekily, causing Hoseok to pout at him.
“You’re all a bunch of assholes, see if I ever hang out with you ninety fives again.” Hoseok grumbles as he stands by the door. “You’re lucky you have a cute baby, Taehyung-ah.”
“Yes, a cute baby that is finally asleep, that means Taehyung should be sleeping or eating while he can. Now, come on. Say goodbye so that we can let him rest.” Taeyong says sternly. He turns to Taehyung and gives him a little wave, “Let me know how it goes, Tae! I’ll see you later.”
“Will do, thanks Yong!” Taehyung sends him a wave and a smile back.
“Bye, Taehyung-ah, hope Hajoonie starts to feel better.” Hoseok waves to him from the doorway as well, before he follows Taeyong out into the hallway.
“Okay,” Jimin scurries around the room picking up his phone and gym bag that he left beside the couch. “I’ll be back by six, hopefully. This class shouldn’t take too long, but knowing how these things go, it might run a little later.”
“Don’t forget your water bottle. It’s in the fridge.” Taehyung loads up his twitter on his phone, mindlessly scrolling through the tweets on his timeline. “Bring back some Thai takeout when you come back.”
Jimin goes into the kitchen before coming out with his water bottle and another granola bar in the same hand as his phone. “We had Thai the other day.”
Taehyung shrugs, “I’m craving it.”
“Fine.” Jimin accepts because he doesn’t have the time to argue anymore. “Bye, Tae. And bye Joonie!” He leans down to press the gentlest of kisses on Hajoon’s forehead. “I’ll see you later!”
He’s out the the door with one final smile, and Taehyung is left alone in the apartment. Hajoon is still peacefully sleeping, so he decides to lay down on the couch beside the bassinet. He sets down his phone on one of shelves beneath the basket of the portable crib and shuts his eyes, feeling relaxed for the first time in a while.
“Are you ever going to address it?”
Jimin lifts his head from where he was checking his emails to find Taeyong twisted in his seat at the front to face him. “Address what?”
“The fact that you have a big fat crush on Taehyung.” Hoseok adds on.
Both Jimin and Taeyong visibly flinch at the bluntness of his statement, Hoseok remains unaware as he stares at the road in front of him.
Taeyong sends Jimin a small smile. “Ah, yeah, that.”
Hm, Address it? No. Jimin had honestly never wanted to fully address such silly feelings, no matter the fact that they’ve been there practically since before the two of them had graduated high school. There was no room in their friendship to even think of confessing the way Jimin had desperately wanted to. That would ruin the dynamic they had carefully created together over the years they’ve been beside one another.
“I don’t have a crush on Taehyung,” Jimin says and even he can feel the way the words fall short in his attempt at lying. “At least, not anymore.” He finishes with, because maybe that’ll make it more believable.
“Even Hajoon would be able to tell you’re lying.” Hoseok says and Jimin deflates in his seat. His attempts all go to waste when he has friends that can read him as easy as an old favorite book.
“It’s not like it matters anyways.” Jimin watches the buildings zoom past them outside, the different colored cars bustling through the lanes. “He’s got a baby to worry about. I can’t take advantage of his emotional state like that.”
“I’m not saying you should go and confess to him, but seeing you feel so guilty for having feelings for your friend makes me hurt.” Taeyong admits, and Jimin clearly has not wrapped his head around the fact that he has people that care about him so much. Not when he feels his heart ache when Taeyong says, “I don’t want you to feel the same way I did for so long. I don’t want you to feel that pain, Jimin.”
Taeyong‘s eyes never lie, his big eyes sad and worried as they stare back at him. Jimin can’t help but want to hug the shit out of Taeyong. Jimin had watched him go through same situation when they had met freshman year of college, but Taeyong had never confessed to his own best friend. Instead he let him go and had to sit back and watch him fall in love with a mutual friend they had shared in high school. Thankfully, Taeyong met someone new almost a year ago, and he’s been so happy ever since.
Jimin isn’t sure he could go through the same, not after he’s tried for so long to find that someone new. He’s had feelings for his past boyfriends, but they were never as strong as his feelings for his best friend. Not even his best friend’s handsome as hell older brother could take his mind off of the other. Even if he kissed Seokjin more times than they’d both like to admit to Taehyung.
He’s tried to convince himself that his feelings are nothing but platonic for so long. That the feelings that literally choke him up from the intensity at times are caused by his immense protectiveness over Taehyung. Jimin had instantly taken over the role of making Taehyung the happiest best friend anyone could ever have. Even if it meant lonely nights when Taehyung had decided to start dating, smiling in fake excitement when Taehyung would FaceTime him after each of them to recount all the fun he had. His heart shattered into pieces the day Taehyung had announced Hajoon’s existence to him.
“I don’t feel guilty.” Jimin says softly, sounding closer to a whisper compared to the loud volume of the thoughts racing inside his own head.
He does. He feels guilt every time he steals Taehyung’s attention from others and feels pride fill his chest. Because Taehyung loves him, too. Just, not the way Jimin wants him to.
“You do, Jimin.” Hoseok catches Jimin’s eyes in the rear view mirror. “But you shouldn’t. Feelings develop without us knowing, and we don’t get to choose who we develop feelings for.”
“I know that!” Jimin exclaims frustrated, because fuck does he know. “It doesn’t make it any less difficult to try not to cry yourself to sleep because you’re helping the best friend you’re in love with raise his baby. A baby he made with someone else.”
Hoseok and Taeyong don’t have a response to that so the car fills with a stifling silence that makes Jimin want to take back his words. He hadn’t even acknowledged that himself before now, trying to block it out of his mind anytime Taehyung sends him that same soft smile that he’s had on his face since Hajoon arrived.
“Let’s just focus on getting through this class.” Jimin ignores the look Taeyong sends him, “I don’t think my sleep deprived brain can take another second of this conversation.”
“You’re not alone in this, Jiminie.” Hoseok turns the right blinker on, merging off the highway. He glances at the rear view mirror again to find Jimin staring out the window in the back seat. “We’re always here for you.”
Jimin turns back to give them a genuine smile of appreciation. “I know. Thank you.”
The city blurs with the unshed tears in his eyes. He shouldn’t worry about this anymore, he had vowed himself to ignore it years ago when he should’ve confessed. It’s too late now to start getting ideas. Especially when loving Taehyung came with an extra, an extra Jimin was already falling in love with as well.