Chapter Text
How the hell did Toni end up here?
Like really, sitting with twelve plus Christians and a priest talking about how religion is fucking them up. Ok, so no one’s put in those words exactly, but that’s basically what’s going on. She didn’t really wanna join but, well, father Ted’s nose is a deep shade of purple, and yeh she feels kinda shitty. Also, god only knows what she did to his balls. She put some serious force behind that knee so she kinda owes him really.
And this way she gets out of apologizing to a priest. Bonus! The fall of rain taps relentlessly against the high windows that run along the far side of the room and it’s what she’s been concentrating on since this whole thing started. Just twenty more minutes.
‘Hey everyone, I’m Richard.’ This guy is the sixth person to ‘share’ and oh man, this dude! He’s huge with a red mohawk and tattoos of pin-up girls on his arms and looks as out of place here as Toni feels. Not gonna lie, she’s curious to know his story. He can’t be gay, she ain’t judging or anything, she just isn’t getting that vibe from him at all.
‘Sorry the wife couldn’t be here this week,’ yep she called it, ‘she wanted to come but she’s taking Leon to go see some colleges, so that’s exciting. I gotta say, with everything that's happened at the school this year, I ain’t totally comfortable about the idea.’ The rough guy rubs his greying beard downward. ‘Thought of him on his own, I don’t, I just don’t like it. He’s small and he’s sensitive, and that’s ok but bullies pray on that.’
‘How does Leon feel about going off to college?’ Father Tod asks with a slight nod.
‘He just wants to get as far away from Ryan as possible, I swear to God’ The big guy leans forward, right elbow on his knee pointing upward with a deep frown ‘I’ll break that fucking kid’s legs like he did Leon’s heart! Am not lying, little shit. See how he likes feeling broken!’
Well, that is terrifyingly sweet. Would not want to be this Ryan guy.
Toni glances at father Ted, he’s as calm as anything, a soft smile on his face. ‘I commend you for your protective nature but violence is never the answer Richard, and I think if your wife were here, she would agree would she not?’
‘Yeah, well, maybe just one leg then.’ This earns the big guy a couple of giggles from the group and Toni can’t help but smile with them.
‘Leon will be fine, Richard. He always has you and Cindy to come home too, as long as you love and support him that’s all that matters. He’ll move on soon enough and be a better man from his experiences.’ Jane pipes up, she was one of the first to share. At least she thinks her name is Jane, she wasn’t really listening at the start, is it Julie? Jenny? Joanne? Something starting with a J.
‘Yeah, thanks, Alice.’ Ok, wow, she was way off. ’I just want him to be happy, you know?’ Toni crosses and uncrosses her arms, eyes darting to the floor a few times. ‘I hate knowing that he’s hurting and it makes me angry, so I just wanna hit something cause that is just me, that’s what am like, I fix things with my fists! An I know that’s not helpful most of the time, it’s just, I get so angry I can’t breathe an, am not explaining it good.’
‘I get it’ Toni blurts.
The whole group turns to her, she readjusts in the crappy plastic chair and adds ‘the anger, like, I get that, sometimes I can’t see past it. Like my brain goes blank and all I have is… this fury. It takes over everything, swallows me whole. I-’ The weight of all eyes on her is suddenly obvious and suffocating. ‘Sorry, for jumping in.’
‘No, no, that’s it! There isn’t anything up here anymore’ Richard taps a large finger to his temple ‘am just my temper that’s all I can see.’
‘Exactly!’ Toni sits up now. ‘And it's, like, the anger is always there. Under the skin and you can’t escape it cause it’s a part of you and when I get set off, that’s it I can’t think, like, at ALL. And I got people around me constantly telling me to handle my shit like I haven’t been doing that since I was fucking seven. But I’ve been trying you know, like this homophobe yesterday is just going at me on the street. And am doing all this stupid stit like breathing and counting in my head, but it’s not helping and I’m just getting angrier and I end up inside this chur…’ She pauses, realizing what she’s about to say, and in front of who. Her eyes find father Tod’s and he just… smiles calmly, with soft eyes and she takes a breath, pushes her hair behind her right ear, and carries on.
Fucking Carol, tricking her into this shit.
‘And I end up here, upstairs and... doing that -’ She shrinks into her chair, waves her hand towards the priest’s bruised face to a chorus of gasps, her arms wrap around herself pulling the leather tight like it’s going to protect her from the disgusted faces circling her. ‘I didn’t mean it, I just couldn’t see past it, past the church and I, I just’ She looks back at father Tod and he shares with her an easy smile like it’s fine somehow when it’s not.
This guy didn’t harass her, isn’t trying to make Shelby straight, isn't pushing an agenda. ‘I’m sorry, dude, I just, I hit the wrong guy. I really hit the wrong guy!’ She can see a few of the others nod with twisted frowns.
‘I’d beg to differ, Toni, the Lord works in mysterious ways does he not?’ Father Tod chimes back and Toni rolls her eyes lightly, such a Shelby thing to say.
‘I don’t think he’s paying much attention or I wouldn’t have ended up on that fucking island.’ She hits back without thought. And the older lady sat directly across from her jumps in her seat.
‘Toni Shalifoe! That's you right? I knew I recognized you, you’re one of the unsinkable eight, aren’t you?’ Shit.
The group all start twitching in their seats, the room descending into bubbling questions one after another ‘what was it like?’, ‘What’s the unsinkable eight?’, ‘What did you eat?’, ‘Are you gonna do interviews?’, ‘Wait, are you famous?’, ‘Where are the others?’, ‘Did you suspect it was an experiment?’, ‘Seriously, what's an unsinkable eight?’ and so on until father, Ted stands up abruptly.
‘This is a place away from the chaos of the outside world, I don’t think Toni wants to be interrogated by a group of strangers she just met in the basement of a church, do you? I ask that you respect that and one another.’
Yep, she hit the wrong guy.
When he sits back down he motions to the young guy next to Richard to get them back on track, and they do, the big dude looks over at her sometimes and his face is hard to read, she doesn’t know if he wants to ask her about the island or kick her teeth in for hurting father Ted but it leaves her a little on edge the rest for the gathering.
When they all go to leave Toni hangs back a bit, stacks plastic chairs with the priest as she searches for the right words
‘Thanks, Toni, you didn’t have to.’
‘It’s kinda the least I could do, given your face. And I wanted to say sorry, again. I didn’t wanna stay but I’m happy I did, you’re a good guy. For a priest.’ She actually gets a laugh in response as he pushes the final stack to the edge of the room and they walk towards the stairs together.
‘Well, you can always come back again next week.’ He motions over his shoulder with his thumb and with raised brows as they ascend the steps.
‘Yeh, not sure about that, maybe, I dunno.’ Toni can’t see herself becoming a regular fixture here but it was… Enlightening.
Father Ted pauses when they reach the main hall, turns to face her fully, hesitates slightly before asking ‘down there you said that you “couldn’t see past the church” do you mind me asking what you meant?’
Toni sighs, she apologized so it’s not like she owes him anything else but it was a fair question given her ranting when she nailed him with a right hook. ‘I have a friend and her family are the, no homo, kinda Christians and well they’re trying to push her to be straight and I just… I saw the church and I...’ She chokes a little. Starts to edge away from the guy. She’s not ready to talk about all that just yet.
‘I get it, far too many people take the bible literally, they also like to pick and choose the parts they follow. Well, this is a safe space Toni, always.’ He must read her awkwardness as he quickly adds ‘On that note I hope you have a good evening and maybe I’ll see you next week.’ He offers a genuine smile and turns further into the church.
Richard turns out to be waiting for her between the two sets of oak doors, donned in a grey parka coat, arms crossed, and watching the rain shower the white steps outside mercilessly. And honestly, she’s a little scared because the guy is like six feet of pure muscle, and she is still not sure how he feels about the whole, broken nose thing.
When Toni comes to a stop next to him she can finally relax as he meets her eyes and nods to the rain. ‘I don’t think the big guy upstairs wants us to leave.’ He whispers with a smile.
‘Yeah or maybe he’s just not a fan of mine.’ He grins at that, with a little huff then reaches into his pocket.
‘Here.’ He pulls out a small colourful card and hands it to her, ‘It has my number on it, you ever wanna talk about the anger stuff, you just message me, kid. I get it, I’ve been there. Some people don’t but I do and it’s good to talk about it.’ He sighs looking back out at the rainfall. ‘Took me thirty years too long to learn that.’ She takes the card and pockets it with a nod mostly to be polite, today was probably all the sharing with strangers she’ll do for the year.
‘Cool. See you around.’ Maybe DC wasn’t so bad after all. She tugs her collar up and steps out into the pouring rain that brings a grey haze over the whole city, makes it to the final few steps when she catches the lightest call of Richards’s voice.
She turns back and he’s holding up an umbrella, still standing undercover, pointing at it, then pointing at her. The sound of torrential rainfall drowns out the sound of his voice so she just shakes her head, hair already soaked through, zips up her leather jacket, and throws the guy a thumbs up. He shrugs and turns back into the church.
The rain is coming down so hard she doesn’t hear the footfall of someone approaching from her left, fast. She steps down onto the pavement unaware. Sees a flash of ungodly pink before she’s slammed to the floor. Toni spins with the force, catches her cheek on the bottom step, sharp pain cracking through her skull like lightning as the other person tumbles over her ‘What the fuck!’
‘Oh gosh, I’m so so sorry! Are you ok?’ The voice is soft and southern. It sends her brain into overdrive. Her heart was pounding. That sounds like. No. It couldn’t be? Could it? Toni has a panic attack in the milliseconds it takes her to look up.
IT IS!
Shelby. Fucking. Goodkind.
Shelby was here. Lay less than a meter away on the same rain-soaked pavement. Toni squints against the rain and everything in her body goes numb and heavy cause this can't be happening. Can it?
Green eyes are wide with bewilderment as confused and shocked as her own. Toni can’t move. She just stares at the other islander as the cold sinks through every inch of her. Is she hallucinating? Did she slip on the last step and now she’s seeing shit? Holy fuck did she die! The rain seems to stop, frozen in the moment of Toni’s disbelief. The sounds around her become warped, the detail is lost as Shelby's mouth moves but Toni can’t hear a damn thing.
Then Shelby is rising. She stands up before her, eyes never leaving her own, Toni can only watch, still not able to grasp what’s happening. Hands reach down and she’s being pulled up by her shoulders, it’s when she’s on her feet that the world starts up again.
‘Shelby. How are you... What… I. But.’ Toni sputters and Shelby’s lips curve slightly with a smile. ‘Shelby. What the fuck are you doing here?’ She finally asks and the hint of a smile is gone! Shelby looks around herself frantically. Toni watches perfect features crease into a worried frown.
Her drenched ponytail flicks water with every sway of her head. And Toni finally takes her in, she‘s in pink gym wear that’s very close to the stuff they had on the island and it’s fucking soaked. No bag or coat, so she’s just out for a jog? In the pouring rain? In DC?
Okay, so Toni might be hallucinating. Or dead. One or the other!
‘I’m staying nearby. What are you doing her- Oh my god you’re bleeding! Toni, you’re bleeding!’ Shelby moves closer now and Toni finally feels the ache from her cheek. The heat is in stark contrast to the chilling rainfall.
She reaches up, presses two fingers against the sting on the right side of her face, and gasps sharply with the pain. ‘Fuck, shit, that hurts!’ She yells over the rain meeting Shelby’s green eyes that shine with concern.
‘Don’t touch it!’ Cold hands grasp her wrist and pull it away from her head as she glances around them again. She looks over Toni’s shoulders and... No that is not happening, not at all!
Shelby still has her right wrist when she starts to pull her back up the granite steps. Toni pulls back.
Shelby stares back at her a few steps up in confusion. ‘Not in there.’ Toni calls over the showering rain.
‘You won’t burn Toni, I need to clean it out!’ Shelby yells back with a roll of her eyes and starts to pull her again.
Toni refuses. Again and when Shelby looks back at her with mild annoyance there’s a shimmer of familiarity that swims pleasantly through her blood. She missed the little frown Shelby gets when she’s not getting her way. ‘I just got out of there.’ A blonde brow hikes up at the confession, ‘I… I’m living nearby, this way.’ She twists her hand out of the hold so she can take the southerner’s hand in hers, and starts to pull Shelby down the street.
She holds on like Shelby is gonna disappear if she lets go, checks over her shoulder one or twice to be sure she really isn’t hallucinating. Rain crashed down on them with every step. Shelby keeps pace for the few minutes it takes to get to the block of flats and there’s a guy Toni has seen around but doesn’t know leaving as they arrive.
She’s a hot mess by the time she gets to her door, drops her keys three times before she gets them into the lock she’s shaking so much. Finally, it opens and she steps inside, pushes it wide open, and turns to see Shelby standing awkwardly in the hallway.
The other girl stares back down the hall with a frown. A very bad frown, the confused, ‘what the fuck am I doing’ kind of frown. And Toni watches helplessly, unable to do anything but wait. She can’t imagine what Shelby is thinking but her fingers are twisting in front of her, she frowns every couple of seconds, her whole body is rigid, her breathing shaky. Then she looks at the ground between them. Takes this deep pained breath and shakes her head slowly.
And that’s it. Toni knows what happens next. Can hear the reasons before they are even voiced just from the agony on Shelby's face. The sting behind her eyes it so fucking immediate with the guaranteed rejection.
Shelby has already let her go. Toni needs to just fucking accept it. Maybe this time she will.
Her eyes meet green ones. They’re sharp, hostile even but only for an instant, a flash in the eternity between them. And then, Shelby’s eyes are soft, so suddenly. Her shoulders relax and she sucks in a quick gasp that almost sounds surprised. The slightest traces of a smile pulls at her lips then, finally putting Toni out of her misery she edges past her into the small apartment.
Shelby wraps her arms around herself a few feet inside and turns back to Toni, who’s smiling like an idiot and asks ‘bathroom?’.
Right, yeah, towels. She swings the door shut and rushes past the shivering blond, launches for the shared bathroom flipping open different cupboards for the towels. Rachel took it upon herself to “organize” the shared spaces when she arrived, who does that? Weirdo.
Thankfully she locates them, grabs three, and turns back to find Shelby leaning against the doorway looking at her shyly, her hand running through the tangles of her soaked blonde locks, hair tie now wrapped around her wrist next to a rather tacky pink watch.
Lot of pink, kinda like over compensation for something.
‘Here’ Toni offers the towels, Shelby shakes her head and slips past her, starts rifling through the open cupboards intently.
‘You’re supposed to be getting a first aid kit, Toni. You’re still bleeding.’
Toni glances for the first time at her reflection and yep, she is bleeding. Crimson is mixing with rainwater down her cheek as it pulses with low sharp pain. She pushes her soaked hair away and presses a finger into the skin around the cut that’s high on her cheekbone close to her ear and hairline.
The quick stinging makes her hiss.
‘I said don't touch it.’ Shelby jabs at her, a hand coming up to slap Toni’s own away, and she can’t help but snigger at the blonde’s reaction.
‘Bossy.’ The other girl ignores her and keeps searching but Toni catches the hint of a smile. Her heart is suddenly going a mile a minute and Toni needs to chill, like, now. But it’s hard cause Shelby is here , right now. In her apartment.
And honesty, she looks fucking good. Toni lets her eyes wander, just for a moment as Shelby reaches up into one for the top cabinets, limbs stretching and flexing and there's just so much skin on show Toni finds herself hard of breathing. Especially as her eyes follow a trail of rain droplets descending down the curve of her toned thigh and - holy crap Toni needs to take a time out. Now.
She twists towards the door and lets her eyes jump to the ceiling as she focuses on slowing her breathing. Yeh real subtle.
Hell, she’s not even sure if they have a first aid kit, though it could be in her bathroom, so she makes the snap decision to go check. Tosses the towels into the tub that lines the left side of the tiny room and quickly leaves Shelby for her own search. Jogs down the short hall past Dot’s bedroom that’s bare which makes sense, it’s Tuesday so she’s teaching a class at the moment..
Toni gets to her door, unzipping her leather jacket as she enters, throws it on the desk only for it to hit the large pile of dirty clothes that’s already there, and slip right to the floor. Shit, she needs to tidy, fast! She closes the door and rampages around the room as quietly as she can.
The main point of coming to her room was to catch her fucking breath and now she’s more anxious, great. She stuffs everything either in the bottom of her wardrobe or under her bed, including the collection of plates she never washed. And also the torn-up letter that still lay in a sad pile next to her bed.
Ok, Rachel might have a point about getting her shit together.
It’s not like she expects Shelby to be in her room at any point, she honestly doesn’t! It’s the what-if though, like, for when Dot returns or if Rachel comes back from swimming and Shelby wants to chat privately or something. It’s just in case. Obviously.
The room looks relatively tidy within a minute so Toni runs into her on-suite where she does find a small first aid kit, she glances around her room one last time before she darts back down the hall to the main bathroom, where she finds every cupboard open and a very frustrated Shelby in the centre hands on her hips.
‘This what you’re looking for?’ Shelby’s eyes brighten the moment she sets them on the pouch, grabs Toni’s wrist pulling her closer as she takes the kit into her other hand.
‘Yes, perfect. Okay, let’s see what we have.’ Shelby starts to rifle through a small green pouch at the sink then starts running the water.
‘Okay, come here.’ She points to the tub right next to the sink without eye contact so Toni squeezes in next to the blond to sit on its edge leaning her elbow on the sink as she looks up at the other girl.
Shelby grabs the glass that holds Dot and Rachel’s toothbrushes and tosses them into the tub, then she does this sort of double-take before she fills the glass with water. Green eyes finally meet her own and so many words rest on Toni’s lips, questions, statements, wishes and even fucking prayers. But she's too afraid to let them go, so fucking unsure of where Shelby’s head is. So she holds her tongue.
Shelby shuffles closer, edges her left knee between her bent ones and Toni bites the inside for her cheek to avoid reacting outwardly. Her left hand reaches out towards Toni’s face cautiously, ‘I need you to rest your head on the sink, so I can clean the wound with water first.’ Shelby whispers and Toni follows the direction without breaking the intense eye contact, rests her left cheek on the cold sink edge, and waits.
Soft tentative fingers comb through the wet hair and Toni's swears she hears a faint gasp, so light in the air as fingertips run over her right temple brushing away strands of brunette and Toni’s eyes flicker closed for a second. Her own hands lay flat and awkward on the rough texture of her soaked jeans.
Shelby’s feet edge closer again as she cups Toni’s cheekbone from above and starts pouring cups of warm water over her cheek repeatedly. Toni holds as still as she can for minutes, listening to the running tap and feeling glass after glass spilling out across her cheek, over her lips and back into the sink.
‘Shelby?’
The next glass doesn’t come yet as Shelby holds it above her cheek, ‘yeh?’ Green eyes seek out Toni’s.
‘What were you doing running in the rain in DC? Cause I thought you’d be, like, somewhere in Texas or something?’
Shelby takes in a heavy breath, then continues cleaning the cut and Toni waits for a response patiently, it takes a while until Shelby’s southern voice finally offers her an explanation. ‘Me and my parents are stayin in a hotel, the government is putting us up cause they want us close to the FBI building just in case somethin comes up. Haven’t heard anything for a while though. And I was just going for a run. I didn’t want to stop when the rain started, is all.’
Toni frowns, cause Shelby doesn’t sound like she’s lying but that story doesn’t check out at all. None of the others got offered an indefinite stay at a hotel just so they could be close to the FBI HQ. Hell, they were all basically told to go home, don’t talk to anyone, and wait for contact from an agent.
The only reason Dot and Toni have this flat is cause of weeks of relentless online protests and complaints that flooded multiple government officials across multiple states because they failed to protect two minors in government care from an illegal human experiment. Soooo kinda sounds like someone’s feeding Shelby a line of bullshit.
Wouldn't be the first time.
For once though Toni doesn’t call it, she doesn’t want this to get any more awkward than it is so she just mutters ‘Oh. Ok. Kinda crazy though, you, me, both of us being in DC. I didn't even know you were here. Did you know I-’
‘No. I, I didn't know.’ Shelby cuts her off, her eyes on Toni like she's desperate for Toni to understand that Shelby was as ignorant to it as she was.
‘Crazy coincidence, right?’ She says it with a little laugh but Shelby’s hand goes stiff and her stare is so intense.
‘I don’t… I've never really believed in coincidences.’ Her tone is so hushed like she's spilling a secret, or maybe realizing one?
Shelby breaks away, places the glass back, and announces. ‘Ok, all done, sit up.’ Toni complies, bites the inside of her cheek again as Shelby leans over her to grab one of the discarded towels. Her neck is inches away from Toni's mouth and it's only for a couple of seconds but, god, she smells like cinnamon with an edge of something sharper and it makes Toni’s skin prickle pleasantly.
Shelby stands upright, a corner of a towel in her right-hand, and hesitantly slips the fingers of her left into Toni’s hair softly. Despite her cold damp jeans, Toni finds herself sweating. Her body inflamed suddenly as Shelby twists her fingers in Toni's hair softly, pulls her head back and to the left, then edges even closer.
Toni can feel Shelby shaking slightly an fuck! She wants to address it, wants to ask about ‘them’, the letters, the last night they saw each other if Shelby even remembers it and to ask about the… Therapy. If you can call it that. It’s also the reason she can’t say anything. Shelby’s been alone with her religious family and a conversion therapist for months on end now, probably being lied to in every possible way. Toni has to be careful.
Toni remembers terrified green eyes staring at her, a scared whisper asking her to stay on a deserted island just to avoid exactly what she's been forced into these last few months. Toni twitches, hissing slightly as the towel rubs over her cut breaking out of her spinning thoughts.
‘Sorry. It’s not as bad as it looked though.’ Shelby smiles, dabs the towel against her cheek then leans back to stroke more of the towel across the rest of Toni’s face. ‘Okay, so it should heal fine, there was some dirt though’ she leans back, dropping the towel into the sink where she picks a little tube of something out of the green pouch, turning back to her ‘so am gonna add a little antibiotic cream to avoid an infection.’
Toni’s hands find Shelby’s hips automatically as she leans away from her, brows creasing ‘is it gonna sting?’
Shelby cocks her head to the side with a tiny pout and answers ‘it’s necessary to avoid an infection.’
Toni nods back then pushes Shelby away by her hips and stands up ‘Yeah, that is not what I asked. No thank you, I’ll chance the infection.’ She glances in the mirror to see a tiny little red dash on her cheek, barely anything and decides she doesn't need the cream and walks out of the bathroom.
‘Toni! That’s silly, the cut is close to your eye, you need the cream!’ Toni pauses to look back, finds Shelby standing in the doorway, tube in one hand and lid in the other her brows pinched. ‘Toni, come here.’
God how Toni loves that authoritative tone, it reminds her of green rope and pleasantly forceful hands, maybe she should - No. The last time she let someone rub cream into an open wound was at the hospital two and a half months ago and it had her crying like a little bitch in front of Carol.
‘Nope, I’m good.’ Not happening, she’d rather lose the eye than go through that humiliation again. Especially in front of Shelby! She’ll get an eye patch. Toni could probably rock an eye patch.
‘Toni’ Shelby says in warning as Toni walks towards the sofa ‘don’t make this harder than it is.’
‘You’re the one pushing it.’ She turns to find Shelby only inches away making her stumble backward. ‘Jesus! Stalker much?’ Shelby is still moving closer, Toni takes a large step back then round the end of the sofa, and falls into the cushions unceremoniously.
Shelby lets out a little frustrated huff crossing her arms and pouting like a petulant child still standing at the other end of the sofa. Toni watches her for a second as the moment of silence begins to stretch into an awkward one.
And honestly, if Toni could concentrate on anything but how fucking surreal it is to have Shelby standing in her shared living room right now she might have thought of something to change the subject. But she doesn't and Shelby isn't ready to let it go. ‘Toni’ she starts, sitting on the edge of the other end of the sofa ‘this is your health. You should take it seriously, now just… Stay still’ Shelby slides closer, a dab of cream on the tip of her right thumb and her left hand coming to stop next to Toni's shoulder.
The offending right hand comes close to Toni’s face and she automatically leans away frowning at the other girl prompting a whining ‘Toni’ in protest.
Toni meets Shelby's eyes and mirrors ‘Shel-by!’ in a mock dramatic tone. The edges of her lips twitch with a smile.
Blue eyes slip low a few times before darting off to glance around the room, right hand finally lowering and Toni is sure the subject is over before Shelby is suddenly pulling her left knee under herself and twisting her body to face Toni fully.
It's not lost on Toni that this is the second time Shelby has chosen to close the space between them. Though it is under the guise of ‘helping’ Toni, still, it means something right? ‘I promise it won’t hurt very much and I’ll be soft.’ Shelby all but whispers as she nudges closer, her thigh resting against Toni’s.
‘Yeah?’ Toni prompts with a hike of her brow as Shelby nods vehemently, pushing up to rest on both knees on the sofa. Toni is still unsure of herself or maybe just ‘them’ in general and almost holds back from asking ‘given your track record… ya sure you're capable of “soft”?’ It’s partnered with a smirk and a hope that it isn’t taken wrong.
She’ll just about die if Shelby walks out right now, over Toni’s big mouth.
Green eyes are warm as Shelby's mouth drops open in offense, ‘I’m always…’ Toni eyes her at the beginnings of an obvious lie because her experience would suggest otherwise. This halts Shelby mid-sentence. She instead bites her bottom lip with a small almost shameful smile before deciding on some course correction. ‘Yes, well’ she states firmly, chin raised, ‘I can and will be soft AND careful.’ Shelby looks at Toni expectably.
‘Fiiine.’ She gives in. ‘You win, you wore me down.’ She turns more fully to Shelby as the most beautiful smile spreads across her face and sends Toni’s stomach swirling with hot new streams of excitement.
Shelby shifts closer on both knees and moves up to lean fully over Toni. The fingers of a hesitant left-hand slide into her damp hair again, soft fingertips running over her scalp, the hand pulls slightly and Toni relaxes back into the cushions, and waits, nervous as Shelby moves impossibly closer.
She watches Shelby's eyes closely, as she presses firmly into Toni’s side. Those green eyes catch her own more than once but they can’t seem to hold the contact, her breath is as uneven as Toni’s.
Toni is distracted by the buzzing in her ears as Shelby's face leans over her own, hovering a few inches away when a hand comes into her eye line, thumb and threatening cream hovering over Toni’s fresh wound.
The fingertip grazes softly over her broken skin and…it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did at the hospital, but then Toni can’t feel much other than Shelby. Humming with each shallow breath the other girl takes and she desperately resists wrapping her arms around the pageant winner's waist. Instead, she just grips the couch cushions tightly.
When Shelby finishes she moves her right hand away, but the fingers in her hair stay. ‘See, not so bad, right?’ She finds Shelby’s eyes staring at hers. They don’t shy away or retreat as if Toni’s gaze pains her.
‘Well shit, you can be soft! You had me fooled this whole time Goodkind.’ She smiles up at Shelby and it feels kinda… normal.
Shelby sits back on her knees again still smiling, hand still in Toni’s hair. ‘No idea how you’d get any other impression.’ There's a glint of amusement in her eyes as Toni feels the fingers playing with her hair softly.
‘Right, where on earth could I have gotten such an idea.’ Her response is met with a light chuckle as Shelby leans her left side into the back cushions, her hand leaving Toni’s hair so she can rest her chin on it while the other comes up to twist her finger through the dark locks that rest on her shoulder instead. Toni glances down at the wandering hand, then meets soft eyes and she says it before she can stop herself.
‘I missed you.’ Shelby freezes with wide eyes, the hand in her hair stills, and Toni stumbles to follow up ‘I don’t mean, well no, that is what I mean, it’s just, like…’ She shakes her head annoyed at the rambling, takes a deep breath then meets Shelby’s wide eyes again, places her hand softly on the bare thigh still resting against her own.
‘You don’t have to say it back, an I don’t want you to feel pressured to say anything at all, I just want you know know that I’ve missed you and if you wanna talk about anything’ she squeezes her hand lightly watches green eyes glance down as Shelby's breath becomes rapid in response. Shit was she making her panic? ‘But you don't have to say anything, like nothing at all, we can just sit here or you can ask me stuff an I'll talk. Or we can watch something on TV it’s -’
Toni is forced into silence. Urgent lips crash onto her own carelessly in a hot surge. Shelby is shaking as her hand's cup either side of her face. Toni leans into it hard, kisses back just as feverish and messy. Their teeth clank together in the fuss. Toni huffs a giggle at their stumbling but Shelby doesn’t, she presses her lips harder into the athletes, shifts around an then she swings a leg over Toni’s lap.
The new pressure has Toni’s insides crackling, Shelby isn’t holding back, isn’t controlling herself in any way and the heat of her body is so all-consuming it’s overwhelming. She wraps her arms around Shelby's waist finally, and pulls her in tightly. A little hiccup of a moan passes Shelby's lips and she’s twisting her hands into Toni’s hair just a little too hard but Toni ignores it, too afraid to break the trance. To leave this moment for another when she’s waited so fucking long…
Toni feels a lukewarm wetness against her cheek, something strangely ‘off’ grips her heart and she pulls back slightly, peeks out behind dark lashes and her heart falls free from her chest to find tears slipping from Shelby's closed eyes.
‘Shelby.’ She breaks their lips apart fully and the pageant champion’s red eyes snap open with a frown of confusion ‘Shelby, you're crying.’
The girl in her lap just frowns further, wipes at the tears she appears not to have realized are there, then she shakes her head a little and grabs at Toni's face again muttering ‘It’s fine… I’m fine, I’m fine’ leaning back in.
‘Shelby…’ Toni whispers as she turns away from intoxicating lips, Shelby looks momentarily devastated, so Toni tightens her arms around the blond and explains ‘your crying, that's not fine, we don't have to - ’
‘I am fine! I want to.’ Shelby sputters harshly, her hands coming to clutch at the collar of Toni’s t-shirt.
Toni slides her own hands up and down Shelby’s back trying to ease the girl ‘Shelby if you're - ’ She’s cut off as Shelby grabs the sides of her face again and forces her to meet tearful green eyes.
‘Toni, I am, I just -’ Shelby stops, bites at her own lips with eyes shut tightly before a smile twitches at the corner of her mouth, when her eyes open they still hold tears but there isn't any agony in them anymore, no fear. ‘I missed you too’ Shelby rests her forehead against Toni’s, kisses her cheek softly, a hot breath grazes across Toni’s skin ‘more than I let myself acknowledge’ and she kisses her again, closer to the corner of Toni’s lips, hot air caressing as she goes ‘a lot more. I really am fine Toni. Better than fine.’ Shelby's teeth find her bottom lip with a light nip before she grazes Toni’s lips with her own.
And Toni believes her, her lips are sure of themselves, hands no longer shaking and there's something so distinctly honest in her voice that strikes at Toni’s heart that she can't resist turning to deepen the kiss. Shelby matches her energy but Toni wants to hear it so she pulls back just an inch to ask ‘you're sure?’
Shelby nods, a smile stretching across her face as her hands wander softly across Toni's face and neck. And that's more than enough, Toni pulls her back in seeking out Shelbys pink lips with months of tension ready to erupt. A hand buries itself in Toni's wet hair again and the other glides down her throat pausing briefly just above her collarbone in what Toni can tell is hesitation. So she encourages her, with a quick tap to her elbow the hesitant hand is pushed firmly into Toni's neck. Shelby just fucking melts into her at that, pushes her entire body into her Toni's, rolls her hips and tightens the hand at her throat just enough to cause a familiar heat to simmer between her legs.
She wants to touch anything and everything but resists, the sight of tears practically engraved in her mind but she does run her hands down to Shelby's thighs, squeezing encouragement from there. Shelby needs to set the pace of whatever is happening here!
Shelby pulls away a little, only to nip at Toni’s lips again with her teeth even rolls her head lover to bite softly at the left side for Ton’s jaw and chin before a hot wet tongue runs over the affected skin, Toni feels everything tighten all over, her fingers twitch to do more, to hunt out warm soft and wet skin and show Shelby just how much she fucking wants this.
They both freeze instantly! An unusual but distinctive beeping alarm crashes through their moment breaking the silence.
Shelby lurches away from her suddenly and it takes Toni a moment to realize it’s Shelby's watch. She glances between the devices and wide green eyes that stare at it with panic.
‘I… I have to go.’ Shelby scrambles away. Toni can't help but follow, her heart sinking as Shelby whips her hair up to tie it back glancing around the room like she's checking she hasn't left any evidence.
‘Are you sure? You could stay a little bit longer, we’ve barely talked.’ God she sounds pathetic.
‘I can’t Toni, dinner is being put out right now, I’ll be late. I can’t be late! I can’t be.’ Shelby's voice is just above a whisper as she shakes her head, moving to the door.
It’s at the door that she hesitates, so Toni pounces, slides up to the frame and leans against it ‘You can't miss one dinner? I could cook for you, am really good at it, Dot and Rachel love my cooking!’
Shelby's finally meets her stare with raised brows and a confused jerk or her head back to the sofa area ‘Wait, you live with Dot and Rachel?’
‘Yeah Dot should be back in like an hour, and I know she would die to see you,’ Toni’s fingers walk the length or the door frame as she tries and probably fails at acting all casual ‘and they're less likely to think I'm crazy if your actually here to prove your, like, real.’ Despite the mild joke Shelby's face scrunches up as she stares at the still closed door, this was not going well!
Then Toni thinks she might have figured it out ‘am not gonna say anything if you don't want me to.’ She watches Shelby closely, and yep there's a soft and very subtle wash of relief that crosses her face. ‘I don't wanna make this more complicated for you, I don’t, I just really miss you Shelby’
Shelby's eyes begin to glisten again before she steals them away again ‘I have to go.’ And she does, swings the door open and closed just like that.
Toni rests her head against the closed door and holds back a sob like some love sick puppy waiting for their fucking owner to return. Jesus! She pulls away finally after a minute and takes a deep breath, just as someone frantically bangs from the other side. Toni swings it open to find Shelby on the other side she steps forwards and Toni matches it.
‘Can I come back?’ its asked so rushed and uncertain that Toni blurts her answer before she's even finished.
‘Yes! When, I mean, whenever you want, like tonight maybe?’
‘Not tonight but maybe later in the week? Do you have a phone?’ Toni reaches into her pocket and offers it to Shelby unlocked when Shelby suddenly stops, handing it back ‘actually that's a bad idea, can I get your number instead? I’ll use the hotel phone to call you, just in case.’ Toni sure as fuck doesn’t like the sound of ‘just in case’ but remembers a conversation on a beach about ‘tracking’ she probably won’t ever forget.
Toni runs to the fridge where they have post-it notes and grabs a pen on the way back scribbling her number down and checking it four times. ‘Here.’
Shelby plays with the note in her doorway nervously when she asks ‘Toni, can we keep this between us? For now. I know that’s a lot to ask but I’m just -’
‘Shelby, of course, no worries. You don't need to explain yourself.’ Toni already knows why, had a guy tell her very venomously on the street. ‘You better call me though, don't leave me out in the cold.’
Shelby nods and slips the note into the waistband of her shorts instead of the pockets, checks her watch with twitching fingers as she eyes the hallway. Toni waits watching the blond when she surges into Toni for a final anxious, needy kiss before she’s gone again, darting down the hall at full speed.
‘You're eighteen minutes late for dinner’ Shelby's throat tightens sharply at the firm tone of her father's voice. Her heart beats like thunder in her chest, the pit of her stomach turns violently as she meets blue eyes that bore into her soul as she pushes the main door closed. He’s not asked for an explanation but she knows he’s expecting one.
It’s ok. She’d worked out plenty of reasonable excuses! She just needed one of them. Her mind is blank.
Completely blank!
She scrambles for words, she had so many ready only moments ago but is lacking now under her father's scrutiny.
‘I just, I, I’m so sorry.’ Yes, apologize first! ‘I just got so carried away while running…’ keep talking, it’s fine, it’s reasonable. ‘And I took a wrong turn somewhere and well, I ended up outside a little cafe on the other side of town and it was rainin so I sat down for a bit with a lovely old man… Leonard,’ ok that's enough, ‘who bought me a chai tea’ oh god, too much detail. ‘And we got to chattin.’ Stop talking. ‘And well you know me, I can befriend anyone!’ She takes a huge breath in as her father weighs up her story.
She picks a calm naïve smile in hope of selling it further, ‘I didn't realize I left my phone here, I'm real sorry, it won't happen again.’
‘Oh it’s fine dear, goodness you're soaked through, you're gonna catch a cold.’ Her mother breaks the intense stare from her father as she moves in from behind him. ‘Go shower, quickly, I’ll put your meal in the microwave.’ Shelby nods and walks to her room while avoiding her father’s eyes that impose a fresh cold wave in her stomach as he watches her leave.
She collapses against the door of her hotel room as soon as it’s closed. Holds a shaking hand over her heart, begging for it to slow down. Her limbs are still tingling.
Toni is in DC!
She jumps away from the door as if even her thoughts can be heard. But even that wouldn’t surprise her, they’re loud as they crash through her mind relentlessly. Longing dark eyes with nothing but care and soft warm skin that tastes so perfectly… She darts over her pristine bed, into her bathroom and slams the door locking it immediately. Rests her forehead against it, she made choices today, choices she can’t ignore.
She thought she was prepared for temptation. She really did. Was praising her father for the freedoms he’d offered as she’d ran, but then the rain came. Hard, and she knew she should turn back, but the thought of returning had her pushing herself further, running harder and aimlessly.
Then Toni Shalifoe dropped out of the sky as if she fell with the rainfall, just suddenly there.
The last six months vanished, every sentence Dr. Morgan crafted, every lesson she meticulously organized for Shelby's rehabilitation wasted, and however much her father had paid for the countless hours. Shelby can’t even pretend it happened on a whim. Because it didn’t.
Toni being Toni, handed her the power, simply opened the door, and waited, literally. She didn’t push or prod, didn’t try to get inside Shelby’s head. Toni gave her the option of entering her apartment or walking away, and waited to see what Shelby wanted to do.
And yes, it was close, so very close and if she ever has to excuse the decision at least she can say it was a close one. Those few agonizing moments at the door, where she heard her father’s voice, Dr. Morgan, and even her own scream at her to leave, to do ‘the godly thing’ it was all silent when faced with Toni Shalifoe.
And choosing Toni over… everything, Shelby felt weightless.
Seeing the time on the clock, knowing she was already in trouble, it felt like the whole world came crashing down around her. It was like waking up and seeing men in riot gear on the beach all over again.
Home isn’t supposed to feel like that.
Her head hands down with guilt, she only has a place to stay because of her father, a family because of her father, professional help because of her father, he is providing everything she needs yet still, Shelby selfishly wants more, wants what he would never condone.
How was this even an option! How is Toni in DC anyway? And she was right, it is a rather unbelievable coincidence that they ran into each other, literally. What was she doing coming out of a church? Was she there looking for Shelby? And why the heck didn’t Shelby have enough self-control to resist long enough to ask some obvious questions.
Cause you’re weak.
Shelby rolls her forehead against the door, turns till she faces inside of the small clean soundless room. Steps further in, turns on the shower then approaches the sink and for the first time since she left Toni’s presence, a soothing calm comes over her. Her heart falls to a normal pace and her gut swells with excitement instead of… fear. Because she suddenly remembers the note. She looks to her door just to be safe, despite knowing she locked it, and reaches for where she hid the little piece of paper.
When she opens it her gut wrenches harshly. It was ruined! The ink was awash and she only had the first seven digits. The rain had spoiled the end beyond recognition, it was a mess. ‘No, no, no. Stupid fuc-’ She grabs the edge of the sink harshly as her eyes burn.
Maybe she could salvage it.
Maybe she wasn't supposed to?
What if this is a sign, a punishment for her devious behaviour. What would Dr. Morgan think? She catches sight of her own reflection as tears start to run down her cheeks. She should throw the note away, it’s already ruined. Shelby leans to her left, holds the note over her trash can but doesn't let go. Can’t.
Toni's eyes stare back at her in the mirror, like a phantom behind the glass, the sweet smell of her warm skin, her soft touch that sets Shelby on fire. Everything about Toni was complicated but Shelby wants it, wants the warmth she shouldn’t feel, wants the control Toni hands over so trustingly and she desperately wants the calm Toni creates by simply smiling at her. By existing. She wants it all.
Instead, she places the piece of paper between two folded towels stacked in the small cupboard, it’ll dry there and later maybe she can save it somehow. And even if she can’t, she knows where Toni is. As long as her father never finds out about this. Ever!
She showers, turns the dial higher than usual. She has to pay some form of penance, right?
Then joins her parents at the dinner table. She has no appetite but forces herself to eat as casually as she can. Her father suggests a movie and even though Shelby wants to go back to her room, find the note and see what she can make of it she doesn't, she watches and laughs when appropriate. Smiles past the feeling she's being watched even though no sets of eyes are on her, and lets her mind wander, for the first time in months, freely.
Then she goes to bed, doesn’t bother resisting tonight, Toni is too fresh in her mind to be ignored. Tonight she’s going to indulge in the sinful. No excuses, she’s already decided before she even climbs beneath the covers.
She also wonders exactly how hot her shower can go.