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It started with a nose kiss.
-
Merlin and Arthur have been together for months. They’re happy and content and blissfully in love. They were introduced when their friend groups merged and eventually their arguing turned into friendship and then their friendship turned into something more. As far as Arthur’s concerned, there aren't any issues with their relationship.
Apparently though, he’s mistaken.
They’re all at Morgana’s place because she’s having a barbecue. The weather’s good so they’re all outback, relishing the sunshine with a picnic. Arthur and Merlin are sitting side by side as they usually do but they aren’t holding hands like Morgana and Leon nor are they cuddling like Elena and Gwaine. Arthur has been raised by Uther - propriety has been ingrained into him from birth - and so, he isn’t a big fan of public displays of affection nor does he intend to be.
In all fairness, he doesn’t know much about affection on a whole. His father was not the hugging type and neither was Morgana.
Lance murmurs something into Gwen’s ear that’s too low for everyone to hear but she turns to him with a grin. He leans forward and presses a kiss to her nose and then repeats the action half a dozen more times when it makes her giggle.
Merlin watches the action wistfully then turns to an oblivious Arthur. Arthur feels Merlin’s eyes on him and turns to face his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow.
“I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute,” Merlin excuses himself and Arthur nods in acknowledgment. The second Merlin’s figure disappears into the house, Gwaine throws the plastic bottle of ketchup at Arthur, hitting him on his arm.
“Ow! What was that for?” He splutters.
“You’re an arsehole!” Gwaine growls, leaving Arthur confused.
“What the hell did I do?”
“You and Merlin have been together for what? Eight months now? And you can’t even bloody hold his hand in public? And fine, I can accept that you don’t like PDA or whatever but I know for a fact that you don’t cuddle or anything in private because Merlin’s said so!”
“What’s your point Gwaine?” Arthur grits out, temper flaring.
“My point is that Merlin deserves better. Merlin’s always been tactile and affectionate. He’s a hugger. He likes to hold hands and cuddle and get bloody kisses on his nose like those two but you won’t give that to him despite everything he does for you and he’s Merlin so he’ll never ask for it.”
“Oh come off it, Gwaine. Their relationship is none of your business!” His sister defends when it’s clear he doesn’t have any idea what to say. He thought Merlin was happy with the way they were but he’s clearly not if he’s told Gwaine these things.
“Merlin’s my best friend! Of course his happiness is my business!” Gwaine shoots back.
“We all know how touch-starved Arthur is. Merlin, especially. If Arthur’s inability to express affection is a major issue, that’s for them to discuss privately. So butt out,” Morgana demands hotly. Gwaine opens his mouth to argue further but Arthur beats him to it.
“He’s told you that, Gwaine? That he wants all the-” He waves his hand in Gwen and Lance’s direction, not sure how to put it together.
Gwaine sighs, some of the indignant fury disappearing at the earnest expression on Arthur’s face. It’s hard to be angry when it’s obvious he didn’t know what he was doing.
“He hasn’t said it as a complaint or anything but more like a passing comment. Like sometimes El would be sitting on my lap or I’d kiss her cheek or something and he’d just muse about how nice it’d be.”
“He gets a look on his face too,” Gwen adds. “It’s sort of wistful. Like he’d watch couples be all couple-y and he’d go all quiet and contemplative as though he was wondering what it’d be like.”
Arthur frowns, hating that Merlin has been wanting in their relationship and he hadn’t known. If he thinks about it, he’s liked how it felt to hold Merlin after they’ve had sex or how it felt to have Merlin hold him on days that were particularly rough. Sometimes, when his father’s being absolutely dreadful, Merlin would lace their fingers together and squeeze his hand briefly before letting go and it always felt nice. Comforting. He supposes it wouldn’t be bad to do those things more often but he doesn’t know how to nor does he know how to ask for what he wants. He’s spent 26 years without hugging and cuddling and all those ‘couple-y’ things Gwen’s mentioned, how is he meant to start now?
It would be ridiculous for him to just go up to Merlin and ask him to hold his hand for a few minutes, wouldn’t it?
“Okay,” Arthur says slowly. “How do I do it then? All those things he wants?”
“You just do it, mate,” Lance advises. “Just wrap your arms around him in a hug, or kiss his cheek. It’s simple. Just don’t think too hard.”
“Arthur,” Morgana begins softly. “I’ve seen firsthand the way you’ve grown up. I know that affection isn’t something you’ve had nor is it something you know how to give and Merlin knows it too. If this is too much for you or it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to do it. I promise, Merlin will still love you either way.”
Before the conversation can go any farther, the sound of Merlin’s footsteps make themselves known. “Why is everyone so serious? Did someone die?”
Arthur rolls his eyes as Merlin sits back down next to him.
“Do you see a body?” He reaches out and hesitantly laces their hands together, ignoring the way his skin is prickling. Merlin looks at him in confusion but he only tightens his grip and gives him a weak smile despite how clammy his hands feel.
Merlin’s still confused and the expression sends a pang to Arthur’s heart. He’s even more sure now than he was before that Gwaine was right.
-
A few days later, he and Merlin are at his flat. Merlin’s on the couch, scrolling through Netflix as he tries to find something to grab his attention. Arthur stands in the doorway for a long time. Lance had said to just do it - to not overthink it - but that’s a lot harder than it sounds.
“Arthur?” Merlin pulls him from his thoughts. “You okay?”
“Yes,” Arthur nods resolutely. “I’m good.”
And with that, he squares his shoulders and seats himself next to Merlin, close enough that they’re pressed together from shoulders to flanks to thighs.
He takes a deep breath and drapes an arm around Merlin, pulling him into his side.
“Right,” Merlin says slowly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m simply trying to cuddle with you, Merlin,” Arthur huffs.
“Okay,” Merlin agrees, thankfully dropping the topic. Arthur’s body is tense and he’s holding himself too rigidly but as Merlin melts into him, he feels his muscles relax until their position goes from awkward to comfortable.
-
A few days after that, they’re walking home after dinner. Arthur wipes his sweaty hands on his trouser before he slips his palm into Merlin’s, threading their fingers together. Merlin glances at him but he keeps his gaze focused in front of him.
A few blocks later when they’re almost home, he reaches over and kisses Merlin on his nose like Lance had done to Gwen. In public. For everyone to see. It goes against everything’s Uther ever taught him - it goes against his every instinct - and yet, he likes it. Merlin scrunches up his nose and it’s adorable and it makes him feel warm and fuzzy. He wants to do it again, if only to see that express and so, he does.
Except, now Merlin’s looking at him like he’s crazy and he’s confused because did he go too far? Is this not acceptable? Did he cross a line?
He rips his hand out of Merlin’s grasp and hurries ahead into their building. He remains quiet as they take the elevator up to their apartment, cursing himself for being so idiotic.
“Arthur,” Merlin begins when they’re inside and the door is firmly shut behind them. “What on earth has gotten into you recently?”
“I’m sorry,” Arthur apologizes immediately, his heart sinking and his frustration rising. “I won’t do it again.”
“No, don’t. You have nothing to apologize for, I’m just confused. You don’t like being touched often. You never have and now you’ve been holding my hand and trying to cuddle me and you just kissed my nose in the middle of the street! Twice! I don’t understand, we’ve been together for months, what’s changed?”
Arthur shrugs, biting his lower lip as he looks away from Merlin. “I thought you’d like it.”
“I do. Don’t get me wrong, I really do like it. I just want to know where it’s coming from?”
“Gwaine mentioned something, alright?” Arthur gets out, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “He said that you were the affectionate sort and you were -- were stifling that side of you because you knew I wasn’t and that you wanted it but you’d never ask so I figured I could try to -- to be that person, for you. Only, I’m not good at it and I have no idea what I’m doing so it’s all awkward and weird.”
“No, it’s not awkward or weird. Arthur, listen to me. Gwaine has a point, I won’t lie. My mum was always the type to shower me in hugs and kisses and cuddles and all these small touches so I’ve grown up being a tactile person. I do love it, I won’t lie but I can get those from her or Gwen or our other friends. I don’t need you to do that when I know it makes you uncomfortable. I’m happy with you, I am. You don’t need to do all that to show me you love me because it’s obvious in your actions.”
“My actions?” Arthur repeats, clueless as to what Merlin’s on about. How can his love be apparent in his actions when he doesn’t show it the way everyone else does?
Merlin smiles at him, a small, endearing smile and explains.
“Yeah. It’s the way you always sound fond even when I’ve done something utterly stupid or how you always make sure I’ve eaten and gotten enough sleep and that I have my jacket and hat and gloves when it’s cold out. You always know how to cheer me up when I’ve had a bad day and you’re there when I need someone to talk to and how you’ll watch my favorite shows with me even though I know for a fact you hate them and well, you get the point. So yeah, you don’t have to hug me in public or kiss me or cuddle or whatever, alright? We’re good the way we are, I promise..”
Arthur stays quiet for a moment, debating his next words.
“What if I want to?” He questions, his voice nothing more than a whisper.
“What was that, love?”
“I-You’re right. You’re the way you are because of how loving your mum was when you were younger. I’m not big on being touched but I think a large part of that is because I grew up not being touched at all. And it’s -- I don’t know how to ask for what I want nor do I know how to go about giving it to you but I think -- I think I like it? I mean, I don’t think I’d want you to sit in my lap in public or anything drastic like that, at least not now, but maybe we could see in here?”
“You mean, you want to try all those things to see what you’re comfortable with?” Merlin tilts his head a little, studying Arthur seriously.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay, well, how about we start off simple? We could just hug for a bit. Like longer than the usual greeting hug, I mean.”
“Yes, okay,” Arthur nods in agreement and steps into Merlin’s outstretched arms. He wraps one around his shoulder and the other around his waist until they’re flush against each other. He pushes his face into Merlin’s neck and closes his eyes, feeling Merlin’s warmth seep into his body as his hands rubbed up and down his back. He sighs in content, sagging into Merlin’s embrace and allowing his eyes to close.
“Is this okay?” Merlin whispers, his voice low.
“More than,” He replies and he can feel Merlin’s smile against his temple.
-
The next time they’re out with their friends, they sit next to each other. Arthur has one arm around Merlin’s shoulder and Merlin has his hand resting on Arthur’s thigh. This time, Arthur is the one to lean forward and kiss Merlin’s nose, watching his face scrunch up the way it always does. The now familiar warmth fills his body and pools in his stomach as Merlin grins at him and he beams back. Maybe, displays of affection aren't so bad - public or otherwise.