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There was something cruel, but poetic about driving down his street at ten at night, sky twinkling with stars; the passenger seat empty, despite the fact that it hadn’t been empty for months. She’d long turned off the radio, since figuring out the music didn’t fill the void of his voice next to her. She felt tears beginning to form in her eyes and sighed, turning the wheel right and pulling her car over to the shoulder of the road. She leaned forward onto her hands, which rested at the top of the steering wheel. She hated this. She really fucking hated this.
He was supposed to be next to her. He was supposed to be there uttering her words of encouragement. He was supposed to there congratulating her on finally getting her driver’s license after a year of waiting. He’d been the one to convince her to do it. She was so scared, anxious, to get behind the wheel. Terrified she’d drive off the side of the road into a ditch where no one would find her. But he was able to get to her. He was able to rid her of the fear of losing control.
She remembered that conversation. Word for word. She remembered it down to the year, the month, the day. That had been one of the happiest days of her life. And now, she was alone, stuck driving up and down his block past his house, knowing he loved someone else.
—————
“Oh, come on Nini,” Ricky said. She was lying down, her head situated on his legs while he stared lonely at her from above with those gorgeous dark brown eyes. “I promise you, it’s not that bad. Once you get in the driver’s seat you’ll feel right at home.”
She rolled her eyes in amusement. “I don’t know, Ricky. It’s just, the thought of losing control and potentially hurting someone because I was being reckless terrifies me. You know Mama C got into a car accident once?”
Ricky shook his head, knitting his eyebrows together. She thought it was cute when he did that. “No, you never told me that. Is that why you’re afraid to drive?”
Nini looked away, almost ashamed. Sitting up, she let out a deep sigh. “A few years back. I was only eleven when it happened, so I didn’t fully understand what had happened. It had been snowing, the roads were slippery and her tired just could grip the pavement. She hadn’t even been going the speed limit, she was going under, but I don’t know. She just, couldn’t control the car, her brakes stopped working and her wrapped her car around a telephone pole. The car was totaled and she spent a day in the hospital.”
“Woah...”
“Yeah.”
“Well she’s okay now right?”
“Of course. It wasn’t that bad, they just wanted to keep her under watch in case something happened, but nothing happened and she came home the next night.”
Ricky frowned, that look of concern that Nini found endearing, crossing his face. “Well, that wasn’t her fault, you know. And winter’s ending soon which means you have all spring, summer and fall to practice without having to worry about a heavy snowing impairing your driving. I could teach you! And after, when you get your license, you can drive to my house and rub it on my face.”
Nini let out a laugh. “Please, what good would that even do. You already have your license.”
“Well, I can pretend I don’t and you can drive me anywhere you want,” He said, giving her that lopsided, trouble maker smile she always loved. “Only if you’re comfortable, though,” he added quickly.
“I do like the idea of getting drag you to the mall,” she said.
His eyes widened, but she could tell he was struggling to keep a straight face.
“I’m only doing this because I love you,” She said. “And I need someone to keep me under a budget.”
“So...is that a yes?”
“Yes, Ricky.”
He leaned over, kissing her gently on the lips. “I love you, Nini Salazar-Roberts.”
“I know,” she said, closing her eyes and smiling.
“No, seriously. I’ll love you forever, I think.”
“I love you, Ricky Bowen. Forever.”
—————
Forever. What a joke. What a fucking joke. She felt a tear drip down the side of her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. She wanted to be done. Done crying over boys who played either her feelings the way he did. Done with boys in general. He’d broken her heart twice. It just seemed cruel.
Almost on cue, as if someone had been watching her, her phone lit up, a text message flashing across the screen. Kourtney.
hey you okay ??
Nini furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. How could she have known?
yeah im fine
She paused, before adding a quick ‘why’ at the end. She let a moment pass for the next gray bubble popped up.
your location is showing you parked in front of his house nini. i took a guess.
She pursed her lips, debating on what to say back. Kourtney had been the only other person who she really felt like she could confide in other than her moms. She always seemed to know when something was wrong, even if you didn’t tell her. She was like that.
actually would it be okay if i stopped by really quick ??
yeah of course
thanks kourt i’ll be over in a couple minutes
Drying her eyes, Nini turned the key in the ignition, letting the engine start up again. She couldn’t hide anything from Kourtney, even if she tried. They knew each other too well to have secrets.
It took only mere minutes to get from Ricky’s house to Kourtney’s. She was out waiting on the porch when Nini drove up.
“Hey Nini,” she said, immediately wrapping her in a tight hug.
“Hi Kourtney,” She whispered, falling into the hug without hesitation. It had been a long time since anyone had held her like that. The last time was, well, Ricky. And that had been almost five months ago.
“What’s wrong?” Kourtney asked, refusing to let go.
“I’m sad.”
“I know.”
“It hurts.”
“I know.”
“I hate him.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
Nini felt tears forming in her eyes again, and she looked up in attempt to keep them from falling. “Could you just hold me for a while?”
Kourtney nodded, gripping her tighter. They sat there for at least five minutes. Nini hadn’t even realized she’d started crying, until the shoulder of her friend’s shirt had become soaked with water.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, breaking off the hug. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Do what-Oh, that?” Kourtney asked, noticing the stain on her shirt. “Hey, don’t worry about it okay?”
She nodded meekly, wiping the rest of her tears with her shirt sleeve. “I just, this sucks. Profoundly.”
“Just say the word and I will beat him up,” Kourtney offered. “Or at the very least verbally end his entire bloodline.”
“No, god, no, Kourtney. I love you, but that won’t be necessary. I’m just, so tired of being a second option to white girls. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...it just always feels like I’m never going to amount to what they are. I’m tired of not being good enough. What do they have that I don’t?”
Kourtney gave her a sad smile. “Nothing, Neens. Nothing. They’re just white. That’s the sad reality of things. People think white equals beautiful and anything that’s not white is undesirable. Which is so completely not true because look at us. He has no idea what he’s missing out on.”
She sighed. “I guess I just have to learn how to move on.”
“Okay, but if you ever change your mind, my offer stands.”
Nini laughed, a real laugh. “Okay, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I should probably get going.”
“Uh, no. Definitely not. Not like that. I will not have you breaking down halfway home and getting into an accident. You’re staying here tonight.”
“But–”
“No buts. I’m sure my mom won’t mind, and neither will yours.”
“Thank you, Kourt. And sorry for this. I really didn’t mean to...dump that on you.”
“What are best friends for?”
“Yeah, still. I feel bad.”
“Well don’t. I promise it’s fine.”
Nini smiled. “Thank you. For everything.”
—————
Nini’s morning had started off fine. She’d woken up in a much better place then she was in last night. She felt good. Her moms had stopped by Kourtney’s earlier, dropping off her book bag and a change of clothes. Kourtney’s parents had even made her breakfast and offered to drive her to school. She gladly accepted the breakfast, but declined the rude to school. Her car was still parked in front of their house from last night. In fact, everything had been going exceptionally well all things considered, until she made it to the lunch period.
“Hey Nini!” A familiar voice cut through the chaos of the cafeteria.
She groaned, pretending she didn’t hear him. His footsteps go closer and closer until she could practically feel him standing behind her.
“What do you want, Ricky. Don’t you have some blonde girl to be smashing faces with right now?”
The comment came off a little more passive aggressive then she’d intended, but she didn’t care.
“Look, Nini. I just want to talk to you.”
“So talk.”
“Listen, I’m sorry, okay. I wanted to tell you that five months ago when we broke up but you kept dodging my calls and avoiding me at school so I couldn’t tell you.”
“Sorry? You’re sorry?”
“Yes,” he said, with an exasperated sigh.
“You broke my heart, Ricky. Twice. Just a ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it.”
“Well what else do you want me to say? I’m not going to apologize for finding someone I’m happy with. You cant hold that against me.”
“Can and will.”
“Shouldn’t you be happy that I’m happy? Isn’t that how it goes?”
She could feel anger coalescing through her veins. “Happy? You expect me to be happy for you? After you broke my heart to be with a girl you told me not to worry about? What kind of deluded reality do you live in?”
“I just, well I thought that’s what friends do, you know? They’re happy for each other when they find someone.”
Nini scoffed. “Oh, so we’re friends now?”
His expression turned into one of confusion. “So we’re not friends...?”
She lost it. “Do you know how many nights I spent crying because I didn’t look like those blonde haired blue eyes girls? Do you know how much time I spent wishing I was white so people would find me attractive and pretty? So people would find me desirable? No, you don’t do you? Because even after I poured everything into our relationship, after I trusted you with all of my insecurities and you promised me forever, you still left me for the girl you said was just a friend. You knew I was scared, and you still stabbed me in the back. And then expect me to be okay with that?” She let out a humorless laugh. The cafeteria had long gone silent, as everyone had their heads glued to her and Ricky, but she didn’t care. All she saw was red.
“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to walk up to me and pretend like all of this–” She motioned between them. “–is okay. Because it’s not. We are not ‘fine’. I trusted you twice and you broke my heart twice. We are not friends. You don’t get to have both of us. That’s not how this works, so why don’t you just leave me the fuck alone. You had your chance, and you took advantage of me. It’s over.”
She stood up, grabbing her bag which rested against her chair, and walked out. Her heart pounded, and she could feel the stares of her peers, watching her as she made her way to the exit.
“Nini wait–”
She turned around. “I loved you, you know that? I really did, and maybe it was naive for me to think that you were the one, but the worst part of all of this, is that I still fucking love you. But I know you’ll never love me back the way I did.”