Chapter Text
Suga’s POV
We were all sitting outside, when screams were heard from the inside of the room, we exchanged nervous stares. Jimin seemed to be panicking.
As we were about to open the door to check if everything was fine, the door swung open and Jungkook appeared on the doorstep.
For a second, our eyes met. His eyes were flickering with a strange fear; a deep agony buried in them.
It was the sorrow of a child disowned by his very own family, the horror of being left alone in a scary world.
But I couldn’t investigate on that glimpse I had caught, for Jungkook desperately dashed down the corridor, not even paying attention to where he was going.
My eyes widened in shock at the realization that he wasn’t supposed to run yet. I was about to follow him when Taehyung flew past me, pleading for Jungkook to actually stop running.
Dazed, I stared as the two figures disappeared behind a corner. But as desperate sobs reached my ears, I precipitated into the room.
I stared in horror at the scene displayed in front of my eyes: a tray was laying on the ground, medicines and other stuff scattered everywhere. Taehyung must have knocked it down as he rushed out of the room, I thought to myself.
And there, right next to the bed, Jimin laid slumped over on the floor, sobs devastatingly shaking his delicate body. I immediately dashed to his side; my top priority being helping Jimin out of his panicked state.
“Jimin. Jimin, calm down.” But he wouldn’t listen. He just cried his heart out, repeating a set of words like a prayer.
“It’s my fault! It’s my fault!”
Here we go again.
“Jimin!” I tried calling him again, but to no avail: his breathing ragged as he desperately pleaded for a forgiveness, I couldn’t obviously give him.
Not knowing what to do, I just hugged him tightly, trying to prevent him from hurting himself as he screamed and cried uncontrollably.
Just a couple of minutes later a full medical staff entered the room and forced me to stay outside, assuring me they would take good care of him.
It broke my heart to have to leave when he was screaming so painfully, a full-fledged panic attack wrecking him, squeezing the air out of his lungs.
When I got kicked out, I let myself fall to the ground, as Hoseok knelt right next to me.
“Yoongi, are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I-” My lips quivered. “I don’t know!” I finally burst into sobs, frustrated by my uselessness in that situation. What had gone wrong? Why was all of this happening all over again?
Hoseok tried to change strategy as he saw what state I was in. He started rubbing my back in an attempt to hearten me.
“Hyung, calm down, they’re gonna take care of Jimin. Joon has gone after Tae, and Jin came back with the doctors. Everything is gonna be fine.”
I harshly pushed his hand away, glaring at him.
“Are we gonna ignore the huge elephant in the room? Jungkook ran out of the room crying like a lost child, heck he isn’t even supposed to run yet! What if he hurts himself? And Jimin… He’s not well, he’s not fucking okay! He was having a full-fledged panic attack in front of my eyes, he was desperate, like his heart had shattered into tiny pieces. Did you hear him scream? I was there with him! I was scared his lungs would burst, or his vocal cords were going to snap at some point! How can you be so positive? Because I don’t feel like being positive at all!”
It was only when I stopped talking that I realized how unnecessarily rude I had been. I instinctively looked at Hoseok, guilt filling me as I noticed he seemed hurt.
"Um... sorry... didn't mean to..."
Hoseok silently sat down next to me, leaning against the wall as a deep sigh escaped his lips.
“I’m just trying not to go crazy. I’ve never been an optimist, but since I became an Idol, I managed to not go insane by pretending to be happy and cheerful for everyone. I thought that maybe by trying to stay positive for others, by selflessly giving myself to my friends, maybe one day I would have been happy too. But apparently, it doesn’t work. I always feel like shit.”
He wiped away a couple of tears that had escaped his eyes.
“I… envy you, Yoongi. You can express what you think freely, you’re not afraid to let others know what you think, but when you want you can be gentle and supportive.”
His lips started quivering as he tried to keep a smile on his face.
“I… I’m just a selfish coward. What altruistic person wouldn’t have thrown himself into that room? I, instead, didn’t have the courage to even set a foot inside. I just stood… dazed, as everyone tried to help. Is it like that? At the end of the day, I’m just selfish. I just use others. I focus on others because I’m too scared to be left alone with my thoughts; but when the things get hard, I run away.”
He finally burst into tears. Looking at his sweet façade shattering in front of my eyes was devastating. I could feel the regret in every sob, the burning disappointment in every tear that engraved indelible marks on his cheeks.
“Hobi…”
Did we deserve it? What did we do to receive this punishment? Maybe we were set to fail from the very beginning.
For all these years, we had been building a house of cards, building up on our insecurities. But as one of the pillars started trembling, everything came crumbling down.
No matter how many times we built it up again, it would always end up the same way.
Maybe we weren’t meant to be. We failed at protecting each other, we failed at the only thing that would make us a family. Surrounding each and every one of us in a web of lies, until we found ourselves entangled in them and unable to get out.
Amidst all that desolation, I could only see two options in front of me: either we worked it out together and started building or lives back up as a team, or we should start thinking of disbanding, and eventually parting ways.
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Taehyung’s POV
“Jungkook!”
“Jungkook stop running already! You’re not even supposed to run yet! You’ll get hurt!”
But he kept running and running, ragged breath, not even looking at his surroundings. It was only when he got to the door that led to the garden, that finally, he stopped. He collapsed on the floor, panting, lungs burning as I finally reached him.
He didn’t move, sprawled on the floor, as if he were lifeless. The only sound coming from him were his ragged breaths.
I stared into his eyes; my heart skipped a beat. As hard as I tried, I could see nothing in his eyes. Not fear, not terror, not anger. Just distant numbness.
I recognized that stare; it was the same as Jimin's the same, pained hopelessness in there.
“Jungkook, please, try to calm down, I beg you, don’t react this way. Don't give up.”
And to my relief, he inhaled a sharp breath, and started to return to a more human reaction. His eyes were red, as tears filled them, blurring his vision.
He choked out a soft “Hyung...” before bursting into painful sobs.
I stood by him, comforting him, and waiting for him to calm down, as he cried like a baby, hiding in my chest.
I couldn’t even understand. Why had he reacted in such a drastic way? Yes, what Jimin had said came as a shock to me too, but it was all because of his insecurities. It’s not like he really hated Jungkook. He said it too. Then why was Jungkook so heartbroken?
As I tried to put the pieces together, searching for a plausible answer, my thoughts went to Jimin, who I had left alone in that room, crying, and screaming.
My heart clenched at the thought I had abandoned him there, alone. But the hyungs had surely taken care of him, I told to myself, trying to shake Jimin's thought from my head. Now I needed to focus on Jungkook.
Jungkook tugged my sleeve. “Hyung… does Jimin hyung… hate me?” The question came out genuine, as if he were a small child. Did he really believe it?
“Jungkookie, he doesn’t hate you. You know him. He just let his insecurities have the best of him that night. His inferiority complex led him to that. He cares for you like nobody would.”
He sniffled. “Then… tell me… hyung. Why do I feel so confused? Why do I feel so heartbroken? Like he had told me he wanted me to die? I don’t understand… It’s my fault, right? I really didn’t know! I didn’t know he felt that way! I thought I was being a good friend by stopping him from drinking more… and instead I ended up hurting his pride. I shouldn’t be next to him. How can he heal when I always end up belittling him?”
“Stop it kook…”
He stared at me, exhausted and devastated.
"But hyung-"
“Stop blabbering nonsense. You’re exaggerating, both of you. Jimin didn’t disown you or something. And you should stop thinking everything is your fault. Not in a million years should you feel responsible for being too good in front of an insecure person. If Jimin has an inferiority complex, then that’s his problem."
"And if you have separation anxiety or abandoning issues that make you react in this stupid and irresponsible way for such a futile thing, that’s your problem." I scolded him. I was tired of seeing them suffer for the tiniest things.
But as I saw Jungkook's guilty look, I quickly corrected myself, rubbing Jungkook's chest as I spoke.
"I don’t mean you two should not interact or something. You can help each other. But trying to carry the weight for both of you is too much. This sick game of shift-blaming has to stop, and I’m talking about myself too.”
Wiping his tears, he slowly nodded.
“Get your shit together kook. Stop acting like a baby when he just told you he envied you. That’s nothing to feel sad about. And never do something as reckless as you did today. Running around in the corridors like you were in a drama: are you insane? You’ve been in a coma up to last week, do you think you can run off like that?”
“’m sorry…” he mumbled, staring at the ground.
“I didn’t want to be harsh, but I think both you and Jimin need to understand a couple of things. Jimin is probably crying his heart out because now he thinks you hate him. Why do you two always go to that extreme?”
He shrugged. “Thanks, hyung, I’m sorry for acting like a stupid child. I won’t do that again. Do you think Jimin's okay? Is he alone in there?"
I shook my head. "the hyungs were all outside, I'm sure they'll have taken care of him by now. Don't worry."
Jungkook sat up, leaning against the wall. He extended his hands toward me, and I hugged him, as he nuzzled into the crook of my neck.
" 'm sorry..." he mumbled, sniffling.
"It's okay Gguk-ah."
“It’s just… I’m frustrated that he kept all of this inside without saying a word, he didn’t tell us anything.”
“That seems to be the overall problem with our group. Nobody ever opens up about their struggles. That's what led Jimin to do what he did, and what led me to try to... well, you know what I'm talking about. Loneliness can make us go insane. We have to stay together as a group, not isolate ourselves in our little chambers of suffering."
He nodded, slowly pulling himself out of the embrace. I tenderly smiled, wiping his tears.
"Wow hyung..."
I arched an eyebrow.
"You're so cool... It's like you matured all at once." I smiled, ruffling his hair.
"I think It's time for all of us to grow up now. We should stop pretending to play at being Idols and start actually being what we're meant to be."
He nodded; his body finally relaxing. "You're right hyung. I'm sorry it has come to this. I've been acting like a stupid child for the past weeks. I think the emotions were... a bit overwhelming. But I feel like if we start working together, we can fix this."
At that moment, Joon arrived, panting.
“What happened? Jungkook, are you okay?”
He nodded; eyes glued to the ground.
“Just him and Jimin bickering like an old couple and overreacting afterwards.” I replied.
“Oh.”
I got up, offering my hand to Jungkook. I hugged him tightly, as we looked outside. There was a beautiful full moon.
“I don’t feel like going back, though.” Jungkook suddenly murmured. “I’m still confused, I need time to work out …stuff.”
“But you’re exhausted; you’re trembling and can barely walk…” Namjoonie pointed out.
“Let’s take a walk then, I’ll carry you on my back, I proposed.”
Surprisingly, he agreed. After some struggles he managed to climb on me and rested his chin on my shoulder, and we started walking around.
After walking and walking in a comfortable silence, we got back to the corridor where the other hyungs were waiting for us. They all stared at us as we got closer.
"Jungkook-ah! Are you okay?" Jin immediately yelled, rushing towards us as I helped Jungkook get off my back.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry... I didn't want to make you worry..."
Everyone let out a sigh of relief at those words.
"I think Jungkook has something to say to you all..." I murmured, forcing Jungkook to sit on one of the chairs in the hallway. The others waited, Jungkook’s cheeks flushed.
Slowly, Jungkook started telling them about what had happened, and I filled in when it got too hard for him to talk about those things.
When he came to the end of it, everyone seemed to be a bit calmer.
"I'm glad you're okay... and you're right, we need to work it out as a group..." Yoongi murmured, patting Jungkook's head.
"And what about Jimin? Is he okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I think so. He suffered a panic attack, but the medical staff immediately took care of it. He's sleeping now." Hoseok murmured.
I immediately noticed as Jungkook's eyes filled with regret, and guilt.
"Jungkook..."
He lifted his head towards me, blinking in confusion.
"I know what you're thinking. Yes, it was stupid of you to run away like that, but he overreacted too. It's not completely your fault, okay?"
Smiling, he nodded. "Sorry... I think it'll take some time for me to break this habit... But I'll try..."
He got up. "I think I'll go to bed now. Thank you and sorry for making you all worry again. I'll... we'll work it out, me and Jimin, together."
Slowly he tiptoed inside the room, waving his hand to us, until the door closed.
We all hugged each other and went home, proposing to always solve our problems this way from now on.
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Jimin’s POV
“Jimin...” “Jimin please… wake up” I heard Jungkook’s concerned voice. I gasped, sitting up, my eyes wide open, scanning the room.
It all seemed normal at first, but slowly the reality mixed in with my nightmare. I saw big shadows menacingly closing in, the harsh voices yelling furiously at me. They were screaming so loud that my head hurt, and I hid it in my arms, my breaths quickening and sobs escaping my mouth.
“Stop it…stop it...” I tried saying, but every time I talked, they seemed to get louder. “You worthless piece of shit! You don’t deserve a single thing! Stop ignoring your guilt! You don’t deserve to be happy, don’t deserve Jungkook, you are using him! First you hurt him, and now take advantage of him? What kind of trashy man would do that? You’re not even a man! See? He doesn’t want you now that he knows what a worthless liar you are! He hates you!” They were throwing every kind of insult at me.
Then I heard Jungkook calling my name, but it felt like he was miles away. “Jiminie look at me please, listen to me...” I winced as his warm hands touched my glistening skin. He lifted my chin up, forcing me to look at him in the eyes.
“What’s wrong? Is it the voices again?”
“J-Jungkook… I’m sorry… don’t leave me alone! It’s scary in here…” I desperately exclaimed as I remembered what had happened before I had fallen asleep. Another sob escaped my lips, squeezing my eyes shut at the harsh voices yelled to me that I shouldn’t even dare to ask Jungkook to stay. It was hard to understand what Jungkook was saying with all the screaming.
“Hey nonono don’t cry Jiminie, look at me, okay? Look at me. I’m not angry at you. I don’t hate you Jiminie”
“Don’t run away… please…please…” I tried my best to re-open my eyes, my vision blurry because of the tears. I desperately grabbed his hand, fearing he was going to leave once again.
But instead of walking away, he wrapped his arms around my trembling figure, placing his head in the crook of my neck.
“Hyung… I’m not going anywhere.”
Slowly, he grabbed my right hand. “Remember? Just squeeze my hand and look at me. Everything’s gonna be fine.”
I wanted it to be true, I wanted it so bad. But I couldn’t calm down, sobbing furiously, almost hyperventilating.
“I c-can’t, Jungkook, they’re too loud! And they’re right! I’m just an asshole! I deserve to be alone forever! But why did it hurt so bad when you left me in here? I don’t deserve you, but I’m so selfish that I want you nevertheless!” I cried out, closing my eyes once again as the stream of tears never stopped, burning my eyes.
I felt an icy hand clenching my heart in a deathly grasp, threatening to shatter it. I instinctively clutched my shirt, scared by the terrible feeling. It was expanding through all my body, reaching my throat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Jungkook had broken the hug to look at me.
I looked at Jungkook, terror in my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. I was gasping for air, my back arched by agony and fatigue, my hand almost tearing my shirt.
He sighed, wiping the sweat that had formed on his forehead. He closed his eyes for a moment, as if he was pondering what to do.
Then he took my face into his trembling hands. He covered my ears with his hands and took a deep breath. He got closer, and closer, staring into my soul.
“Close your eyes, hyung”
“W-wha-“
“Just trust me.”
I did as he asked, trusting him better than myself in that horrible chaus that exploded around us.
Then, without warning, his lips connected to mine.
What the heck was going on?
His silky, warm lips were touching mine.
I didn’t back out, I stood there, his warmth expanding from my lips to my throat and so on, winning over the icy grip. I was melting in the sudden kiss. The voices started lowering, until they were reduced to a mere whisper.
The shadows crept away, the room suddenly emptied of all the dark, negative things that had haunted it just a second before... Jungkook’s soft touch carried me away, wandering far away.
Everything felt so calm, so good. I was lightly jumping on the clouds, looking at the moon. It felt like I was engulfed in a big, warm blanket.
It was only the burning need to breathe that brought me back to reality. We broke the kiss, gasping for air, our foreheads till touching as we stared deep into each other’s soul.
He slowly lifted his hands from my ears and hugged me gently. My body went weak in his arms, as I rested my head on his shoulder, taking deep breaths with my eyes closed, as his warmth filled me, the cold now being only a distant memory.
“Everything’s okay Jiminie… I’m sorry I ran away. I was scared you truly hated me. But I’m not angry at you, I swear. I’m here and won’t go anywhere. Hyung, even if it’s hard, even if it hurts, I want to be here with you, I want to be by your side.” He mumbled, rubbing my back in soothing circles. Although his voice was calm and sweet, he was trembling.
As I slowly came back to my senses, coming down from the high that had invaded my body, I was so confused. Relived at his words, although I was not sure what had happened.
Why had Jungkook kissed me? And why did I enjoy it? I felt a stinging sensation on my lips. I wanted more…. Why did it feel so wrong, but so right at the same time? He slowly got out of the hug, and we looked at each other.
“Jungkook, why-”
“I-I am sorry hyung...” He interrupted me, stuttering. Even though the room was pretty dark I could see his cheeks were of an intense shade of red.
“I-I don’t know I-” he sighed.
“Hyung…I think I-I’m in love with you… I don’t know, if felt natural for me to kiss you, I don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry...”
He was now looking down, nervously playing with the hem of his shirt, a gleam of regret in his eyes.
I took his hands in mine, stopping them from moving and trembling. Then I brought one of his hands to my chest. My heart was beating furiously, overjoyed as Jungkook had finally given a name to what I was feeling: love. Pure love.
His eyes darted up to my chest, and then to my face. Tears of joy were streaming on my face, and my lips were curled in a soft smile.
“I think you’re not the only one who liked that...” I murmured, my heart eased by a new happiness that surpassed everything, as I wiped the tears rolling down Jungkook’s cheeks.
“Wait… for real?” Jungkook said, a hopeful look on his face. I nodded, looking down, my cheeks burning.
“I think I love you Jungkook. For real.” I then got closer to his face, indescribable joy making my heart flutter as I leaned in for another kiss, giving in that want I had felt since my lips had detached from his.
We melted in the eager contact, sliding down on the mattress, never breaking the touch. When we finally broke the kiss to breathe, I was laying on Jungkook, my elbows pointed in the bed so that I could see his face. He was panting, his eyes glistening.
“I wish we didn’t have to breathe” he whined, dragging my head closer and kissing me once again. I giggled against his lips, remembering he had rhinitis, and found it hard to breathe through his nose.
Still, he wanted to kiss me so much. We both desperately needed it. We finally collapsed, breathless, and I rolled off of him, staying close, nevertheless. I kept gently caressing his chest, as he stared into my soul.
“Jungkookie…”
I murmured, a shadow passing over my quivering heart.
“Hmm?”
“Is it really okay? After all the suffering I’ve caused you, is it really okay for me to stay by your side? What if I hurt you all over again? What if my thoughts take over me and I can’t think straight?”
“Then I’ll be there for you, this time I’ll be able to help, I promise.”
He murmured, planting a soft kiss on my forehead.
“Hyung, I’ve done my fair share of bad things, you know… also running away before… I definitely overreacted, and I shouldn’t have run away. But don’t think I ran because I hated you. Of course, at first, I felt a bit hurt, because I felt rejected. You know, you’re my family. But then I suffered more because I didn’t know what was going on in your mind, and by trying to help you, I made you feel even more miserable.”
“But that’s not your fault” I replied. “I didn’t say a thing, and you couldn’t possibly know”
“Then let’s stop shifting blame from one side to another. We’re both responsible for what happened, but we can now build a future together. A brighter one for us, and the hyungs who had to suffer so much because of us. We better give them some proper apologies when they come back tomorrow…”
I nodded, nuzzling in closer.
“But hyung…now I don’t wanna go back home” Jungkook suddenly murmured, a pout on his lips.
“Why?”
“Because we have separate rooms… I’ll miss sleeping with you.”
I chuckled, smiling at him. “Do you really think I’ll allow that? I’ll move in your room as soon as we get home. I’ve always wanted that room anyways...” He giggled
“There’s no way I’ll ever sleep without you anymore.” I continued.
“And what about the beds?” he said, a beaming smile on his face.
“I’ll buy a new one. A couple one” I answered, and he gave me a peck on my lips.
“Deal.”
“But don’t you dare putting your dirty socks on my bed, or I’ll kick you out” I added, playfully slapping his chest.
“you’ll kick me out of my own room?” he arched an eyebrow, chuckling.
“Then I have one condition too…” He murmured, hiding his head over my shoulder.
“Don’t you dare to get dismissed before I do. It was hella boring when you were ignoring me, you know? What was I supposed to do? Stare at that freaking curtain all day?”
“That’s what I did. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you- well, the curtain” I answered, hugging him tightly, as a slight blush appeared on his cheeks.
“Are we getting shy?” I mocked, as he hid his face in my chest, covering his ears with his hands.
“Stop it hyung…”
“What? The fact I couldn’t stop thinking about you? The fact that whenever you walk in the room, I can’t get my eyes off of you?”
“Ssstop…. It’s embarrassing…” he murmured, his ears even redder.
I gently lifted his face, until his eyes met mine. His pupils were dilated, affection in them. They were sparkling in the moonlight; I couldn’t stop admiring him.
“Gosh, armys don’t lie when they say your duality is insane. How could you be so dominant just 5 minutes ago, fully in control, and now you’re red as a tomato, and so shy, whiny and cute?”
I pecked his lips again, loving how he fully abandoned to me, handing me control of his whole self without a hesitation, eyes closed and lips lightly parted.
“Hyung…” he whined, as I retracted.
“’m here…” I murmured as I laid next to him, gently rubbing his chest.
“Hyung… I love you.”
“I love you too Jungkookie...”
--The End :3—