Chapter Text
Alec had been so sure that he was going to go to his bedroom and never be able to fall asleep. Yet as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light.
That wasn’t to say that sleep was peaceful. A head full of new memories meant that those all had to slot in there and find their place. Which meant Alec spent the night dreaming of times long gone by – in a land of myth and a time of magic. The memories flashed through, one by one, bits and pieces of a life that had once been his, and so many countless lives after that. Lives spent aching, broken and alone, yet still so damn hopeful.
He woke to the sound of a knocking on his door, and the stain of tears still wetting his cheeks.
Alec pushed himself up in bed, quickly wiping at his face in an effort to get rid of the evidence of his crying. He didn’t really think about it as he tugged a bit of magic and murmured a soft word. The power washed over him and took away every last tear mark and bit of puffiness from around his eyes. Unfortunately, it was a spell he had a lot of practice with.
A wave of dizziness had Alec grateful he was still bracing his body up on one arm. Alec rode it out with his eyes closed and his arm locked. He only opened his eyes again when another knock at his door jerked him back to attention.
“Come on, Alec, open up!”
That familiar voice was one of the only ones that Alec would’ve let get away with something like this. Instead of the furious glare he might’ve greeted others with, he called out a short “Come in!” to his sister.
The door magically unlocked, something which had Alec grimacing. He was really going to have to work on that. Now that his magic was there, and now that he remembered he had it, he wanted to use it for everything. Alec remembered a point in his life where he had. He was going to have to be careful about that. Especially if he wanted his magic to heal.
All of those thoughts disappeared as the door opened and Alec looked up at his sister. What he saw was almost enough to have him actually gasping.
Each and every person out there had a signature to them. It was a skill Alec hadn’t known when he was young, but that he’d perfected as he grew older. Something that he’d learned to read thanks to the Druids he’d spent time with after Arthur’s… well, after.
But even without that he would’ve known this soul.
Morgana.
Alec stared up at her and swore he could feel his heart stutter in his chest. That was Morgana standing there in the body of his sister. But not, not the Morgana that she’d been at the end. Not the one who’d lost her way. Who’d broken and shattered into so many different pieces and then put herself back together in a way that was so jagged and wrong.
No, this was the Morgana he’d first met. The kind, soft-hearted soul who’d cared about everyone. Who would’ve given her life before allowing someone around her to be hurt. The Morgana who was fierce and bright, a warrior better than most of the men around her, and yet who was also gentle and kind, with a heart of gold. One that hadn’t yet been poisoned by lies, betrayal, and pain.
A Morgana who was now looking at him with open worry written all over her face.
“Hermano?” She took a step forward, the worry making her eyes darker. Her eyebrows drew down, and the smile was gone from her lips. “What is it? What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
She doesn’t remember. Alec could see that written all over her face. She had no idea who she’d once been, or who Alec was aside from her big brother. Someone who she was occasionally annoyed by, but who she loved with that bright, fierce fire that both exasperated Alec and made him love her even more in return.
When the worry darkened her face even more and her steps hurried toward his bed, Alec realized he’d yet to answer her, and he didn’t get a chance to do so now before she was right there beside him, sinking down onto the edge of the bed. One of her hands lifted to curl against the side of his face in a touch he would’ve allowed no one else to use. Her eyes darted from one of his to the other. “Alec?”
He had to clear his throat twice before he could find his voice. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” She slipped down into Spanish, the words a comfort to them both as she asked him again what’s wrong, big brother?
Alec's breath shuddered out of him. He couldn’t resist reaching up, his fingers shaking ever-so-slightly while he brushed a bit of her hair behind her ear. He could see so much of her in that moment. He could see Morgana as she had been, bright and beautiful, a rose in a sea of poison vines, bright and yet just as deadly as the rest. But he could also see his Isabelle, the sweet little Izzy-bell, the one who’d raced through the forests with him, who’d laughed so brightly in those few carefree moments, and who’d dragged him away from a lake that rightfully should’ve turned them both crazy for touching it.
Maybe it did, Alec thought to himself as he looked at her. Maybe I’m crazy now.
Another voice inside him whispered What makes you think you weren’t already?
It took effort, but Alec pushed those thoughts down, pushed it all away, and focused instead on the most important thing – soothing his little sister. “I’m okay, hermanita. Just some weird dreams, that’s all.”
Though the worry didn’t go away completely, it did lessen. After all, Isabelle was well aware that Alec had weird dreams. He hadn’t been able to hide it from her with how much she used to come and climb into his bed when they were younger. She’d come there to hide away from her own dreams. But occasionally, it meant that she’d witnessed the aftermath of some of his. Little as Alec liked showing weakness, especially to someone he felt he was responsible for looking after, he hadn’t been able to hide it entirely.
Isabelle stroked her fingers gently over his cheek and then dropped her hand back down. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
“No, but I can still be sorry,” she returned easily.
That made it that much easier for Alec to smile at her. She honestly meant that. She wasn’t pitying him, she was just sorry that he had had bad dreams. The fact that that’s all she said, that she didn’t try and push for more information, made him want to thank her.
Instead, he fell back on the more usual gruff teasing that always got them through these moments. “Was there a reason you were trying to break down my door?”
The quick grin that lit up her face eased a bit more of Alec's tension. A part of him always felt like the world couldn’t be too bad if Isabelle was able to smile at him like that. “It’s almost dinner time. You’ve slept most the day away. I didn’t even know you were back yet until Jace told me that you were here and sleeping!”
“There wasn’t a whole lot of time for sleeping in Idris,” Alec pointed out. He’d been busy most of the time there. Sleep had been the last thing on his mind.
As Alec pulled away from Isabelle and rose up to his feet – thank the angel his legs held and didn’t just wobble out from underneath him – Isabelle leaned back on his bed and rested her weight on her hands. It left her free to watch while Alec walked over to his closet where his clothes were. “I heard there was a whole party in your honor.”
The scowl that immediately crossed Alec's face had Isabelle laughing at him.
“I know, I know. Just your type of thing.”
Alec shot her a look that let her know what he thought of that. Which only succeeded in making her laugh at him again. He shook his head and turned back toward the closet to find some clothes. With his back to her, it left him free to smile without her seeing it.
"So everything's official now?" she asked. "You're the Acting Head now while Mom and Dad are gone?"
Just the thought of their parents was enough to have Alec wanting to go stiff. He fought off that reaction and tried to keep his movements casual when he reached in for a clean shirt to put on. "Yeah. The Institute is mine, at least for now."
"Oh come on, Alec. We all know this place was yours already. It's been yours for a while now."
"Not in the eyes of the Clave." And, in the end, that was what mattered. The Clave had to recognize this place as his for it to really count.
Isabelle scoffed at him. "They might be able to give you the official title, but everyone here knows who you are. They recognize that you're their leader. No Clave official gave you that. You earned it."
He tried to ignore the warm feeling that gave him. With his back to his sister, he quickly tugged on the clean shirt, and then switched out his sweatpants for a pair of jeans. A small part of who he'd once been reminded him that there was someone else in the room, but the part that was pure Alec, the part that had spent years as a shadowhunter, didn't really have a concept for body shame. It wasn't really something a shadowhunter could afford to have. Not when their bodies were canvas for runes and activating them meant occasionally stripping to get to them. Alec had yet to meet another shadowhunter who was shy about their body.
When Alec was dressed, he snagged a pair of socks and his boots and came back over to the bed. He dropped down on top of it and made sure to do it hard enough to jostle Isabelle a little. Just enough that she had to sit up quickly or risk falling backward. He grinned at the scowl she sent him.
Rolling her eyes, Isabelle jammed him with her shoulder while she sat up. "You're such an asshole."
"All I did was sit down," Alec pointed out.
Isabelle shook her head at him. She was smiling again, though, so Alec counted it as a win.
Despite his attempt at distraction, Isabelle easily went back to talk about the gala he'd attended. She peppered Alec with questions while he finished getting dressed, and then continued it while the two of them made their way out of his room and down to the dining hall.
It felt sort of strange to be walking through the halls of the Institute again. Alec felt like so much had changed since the last time he was here. He’d changed. He wasn't the same person he had been. He felt... older. Distant, almost. With the memories that were still settling in his head it wasn't surprising that some of these briefly lost their power. He had a feeling he'd get more of the current ones back once his brain had the chance to be able to finish sorting through it all. The human mind was only meant to hold so much.
Alec remembered what it'd been like before. Before he, well, before all this. His head had felt so full sometimes. Some memories were sacrificed; it was just how the mind worked. They weren’t something he ever thought on, so there was no reason for his mind to retain them. He could remember stories of his youth, moments with his friends and family, the warm feeling of his mother's hug, but he couldn't remember what color her eyes were.
He remembered what it was like to sit with Gwen back before she'd become queen, sharing drinks and food in Gaius' chambers, but he couldn't remember the scent of her hair, or what they'd eaten, or even some of her features. But the brightness of her smile and the sound of her laugh stuck out sharp and clear.
Some of the things Alec was remembering now would fade. Once they did, his more current memories would become stronger again, and he'd hopefully be able to settle. But for now, he still felt a little jumbled, though not near as bad as he had yesterday. Until everything was back to normal again, at least he had Isabelle to help him along.
He followed her to the dining hall, and up to grab a tray of food. Her questions were still going, though she seemed less expectant of his answers now. Mostly it seemed like she was talking to herself, speculating about what a gala might be like to attend and who would be there. Alec had to admit, hearing her talk about the clothes that the others might wear, along with teasing commentary, was rather amusing.
They wove their way through everyone, over to the corner table where they always liked to sit. Jace was there waiting for them. His own tray was barely eaten off of, and he had three mugs of coffee on the table. It was always the job of whichever of the three was the first to arrive to get everyone's coffee.
Alec sank down onto the bench at Jace's side, and Isabelle slid down into the seat across from them.
"Sorry we're late," Isabelle said, smiling and rolling her eyes. "Someone here didn't want to wake up."
Though the look Jace shot him likely appeared teasing to just about anyone else, under it Alec could see the concern that was there. This close, he could feel it in their bond. Still, Jace kept his voice teasing. "It must be exhausting having to deal with all that crap and politics."
The way that Alec rolled his eyes at that had them both laughing at him. But it was Alec leaning in a little against his brother, the brush of their arms together in a silent touch, that took away Jace's tension and allowed him to relax again.
Breakfast turned into what was a typical morning for them. Alec let himself relax into the easy teasing. He kept quiet, something that was typical for him anyway, and he let the warmth of their voices and their affection wash over him. Something about it soothed down a few of the rawer places inside of him. Having them there was a gentle reminder that he wasn't alone this time. A few things had changed since yesterday – so many important things – but this? This right here? This was still the same. It didn't matter that Jace was Gwaine, or that Isabelle was Morgana. They were still his siblings. The only difference was, now there was a history there. One that only Isabelle was blind do.
Alec looked at her, at the way she lit up at something Jace said. One of her hands was up in front of her mouth to hide her food, but her eyes were twinkling brightly. She looked happy. On the inside, Alec vowed to do everything in his power to make sure she stayed that way. He'd failed her once, a long, long time ago. He wasn't going to do it again.
By the time dinner was done, it was time to work, and Alec was a bit grateful for that. It meant he had the freedom to go and lose himself in the usual rounds of paperwork and patrols. He got to focus on just being Alec for a little while. Which was exactly what he needed.
Alec may have just gotten the title of Acting Head yesterday, but as Isabelle had pointed out in his bedroom it was a title that had unofficially been his for quite a few years now. Everyone knew that Alec was the one to run this place. As his parents spent more and more time in Idris, he'd taken more responsibility around here. He was the one that people brought their problems to. He was the one that stepped in and solved things when issues cropped up.
It didn't matter that he was younger than them. If anyone had a problem being bossed around by a young shadowhunter in his early twenties, they weren't dumb enough to say anything about it, and he quickly proved to them that it didn't matter anyway. The Institute and the people inside it were his. Alec led them while still keeping himself one of them. He fought alongside them in a way his parents no longer did. That right there was probably what earned him their respect more than anything else.
Tonight there was paperwork to get done, plus his patrol later on. Alec was able to throw himself into paperwork first. The rest of his problems didn't have space in his mind when it was so full of numbers, facts, requests, and reports. Alec worked through the pile on his desk with a single-mindedness that beat his usual focus. It surprisingly seemed to help his mind settle a little, too.
By the time patrol rolled around, Alec felt more at peace than he had since he'd first crawled out of that lake.
Going out on patrol only helped that. Being able to stretch, to throw himself into a fight with his siblings and take out demons, to feel the warm hum of a seraph blade in his hand, it helped Alec reconnect with the part of himself that was Alec.
Over the next few days Alec fell back into the routine of things, and with each moment that passed he felt a little more normal. A little more settled. He was able to breathe again. At night, his dreams were full of the past, and often he woke up hurting from it, but the rest of the time he was free to just be Alec, to focus on his current life and the shadowhunters under his command. He could push away everything else and pretend it didn't hurt.
Once in a while something cropped up to remind him, but they were few and far between.
Like when he ran into Underhill, one of his security team that he was seriously thinking about promoting to Head of Security, even before he realized just who the man was. Once Alec saw the energy coming off of him, yet another familiar soul, was it any real surprise he’d considered this man smart and loyal? Leon had always been one of Arthur’s most loyal Knights. One of the only ones who’d been with him from the start. He’d been there even when Arthur had still been one of the biggest prats to walk the halls, and he’d stayed by him through it all. Every single step of the way.
Even with those moments, however, those little reminders of who he was and who he had around him, for the most part Alec was free to forget, even just for a little while. Maybe it was foolish, maybe it wasn’t. But to not have to be Merlin anymore, to exist only with the weight of being Alec Lightwood, Acting Head of the New York Institute, tasked only with protecting this one small city…it was freeing. He didn't have to try and live up to the weight of some massive destiny he’d never asked for. He could just be Alec – responsible for a large group of people, yes, as a leader he'd never expected himself to be, but free from whatever shackles destiny wanted to put on him.
Of course, he should’ve known that wouldn’t last. Destiny always had a way of reminding him of his duty. Of pulling him back in whether he liked it or not - occasionally kicking and screaming the whole way.
Sometimes in the past that fate had come creeping up on him in the form of an assassin, sent to kill the person he was charged to protect.
Sometimes she came as a dragon who nudged and prodded him along a path that he considered right.
And sometimes, she came in the form of a small, redhaired firecracker set on turning his whole world upside-down.
The first time Alec met Clary Fray, he was a bit too busy and, honestly, annoyed, to really get a proper look at her. He was caught up in his own hunt, and his own problems to really be able to focus on this strange mundane girl who had the Sight.
From the minute Alec walked into the club their mark headed to, he knew just who was in there – he could feel him. Even before Alec had learned how to read the energy around a person he knew he would’ve been able to recognize this one. It was as unique and familiar to him as the touch of his own magic. Tied to his very soul in a bond nothing, not even his own power, had been able to break.
Arthur.
It took only a second inside for Alec to realize that it wasn’t just Arthur – Magnus, dammit, he needed to remember that!! – that he was feeling. Or at least not in the sense he was used to. That wasn’t just his aura. It was his magic. Magic that had seeped into every inch of this place. It was wrapped around them in wards that Alec swore he felt caressing him as he passed. They brushed against him, against the raw places inside where Alec's magic still ached from what he’d done to it, where it was still healing, and he stumbled under their touch.
That stumble drew the attention of his parabatai. Jace looked over his way, his gaze a silent are you okay? Not directly calling Alec out. Especially not in the middle of a mission. But a silent check in that made it clear he’d be there in an instant if Alec needed him no matter what else was going on.
Alec lifted his free hand and gave the familiar signs they all learned for field use. I’m okay. Keep going.
One last look – a promise that Alec knew meant they’d be talking about this later – and then Jace moved on, shadowing Isabelle to make sure she’d stay safe while she acted as the bait. Which was what was important. Right at that moment they had to focus on figuring out why the demons were peddling blood in here. So long as no one was hurt or dying the rest of it could be handled later.
Though it was hard, and it hurt in ways that cut so very deep inside, Alec turned his back on that magic and the one who owned it, the one he could sense was so close.
Isabelle needed him. She needed Alec to play backup. His sister needed him. That was the only thing that could’ve had him moving. Alec forced himself to pay attention to watching after the girl he had practically raised, and to focus on the mission at hand.
Then, of course, everything went to hell. Some little mundane girl saw them kill a demon, panicked and ran, and then Jace took off after her like the idiot he was. He never could resist a damsel in distress. It left Isabelle and Alec on cleanup, something they weren’t all that fond of, but Alec was mostly used to. At least it gave him something else to focus on instead of that steady thrum of magic in the air – or the aching sensation deep in the empty places inside when that power suddenly left.
It wasn’t until Jace brought that mundane back to the Institute later – and runed her, like that wasn’t going to make Alec's life so much harder – that Alec really got a chance to look at her. When he did, a few things made sense, and a few new worries came to life. In the girl he saw a soul of one of his closest friends, and yet another life that he should’ve saved, but hadn’t. Another in what turned into a very long line of his failures. Lancelot.
This wasn’t the first time Alec had seen one of the souls reincarnate in a different body. But to see another Knight, the third to crop up around him these past few weeks, well…it didn’t bode well. Something in Alec prickled at all these little pieces falling into place.
It made him a little sharper than he might’ve been otherwise.
“Jace!” Alec hissed lowly when he looked up and saw the girl lying there with Isabelle sitting above her. Even from a distance her soul shone with that strength and purity only Lancelot had ever had. Alec reached out and caught hold of Jace’s arm, forcing him to a stop.
His parabatai twisted around, surprised at the touch. He looked up at Alec with his eyes rolling and a quip already ready to go, only for his frustration to fade away when he caught sight of Alec's face. What he saw there was enough to wipe the annoyance off Jace’s expression. He straightened up and braced like he was preparing for trouble. “What is it?”
“Do you realize who that is?” Alec demanded.
The battle-ready look faded off of Jace. At least slightly. He glanced back at where the mundane girl lay, then back at Alec, one eyebrow arched up. “Who, her?” Jace lifted a hand and gestured behind him with his thumb
It took a lot of effort for Alec not to roll his eyes. “Yes, her.”
“She’s a girl that’s in over her head and needs some help.”
Unconsciously, Alec tightened his grip on Jace. “She’s also the reincarnation of Lancelot.”
Jace only looked stunned by that for a moment. Then he just rolled with it with a skill that Alec had always been envious of. “All the more reason we should help her then, right? Knights should stick together.”
For all that Alec loved Jace, there was a part of him that sometimes had a hard time resisting the urge to strangle the other man. Or smack him upside the head. Now was one of those times. Thankfully, Alec had a little control. He glared at the other man in lieu of actually reaching out and doing any real damage. “Can you take this seriously, please?” he hissed out. His eyes darted around, taking in just how close others were. No one was close enough that they should be able to hear and yet Alec didn’t want to take any chances. He moved in a step closer. “Something’s going on here, Jace. Something big.”
He should’ve known better, though. Not once in any lifetime had this stupid, ridiculous idiot ever cared about himself, especially when someone else was in trouble. That seemed to be no different in this lifetime. “What’s going on right now is there’s a girl up there who needs our help,” Jace said plainly. He turned a little, finger pointed toward the girl though his eyes stayed on Alec. “Now, I’m going to help her. Are you with me, parabatai?”
The urge to strangle him grew even stronger. He hated when Jace used their bond against him like that. Hated even more that it worked.
Was this what Arthur had felt like trying to reign in his Knights? This frazzled affection and frustration all rolled into one? He’d always been at turns impressed, amused, and frustrated by Gwaine. Staring at the man now, Alec thought he might be beginning to understand that feeling a little better.
Once upon a time Alec had looked up to Lancelot. He’d admired the man for his strength, his honesty, and his honor. They were the qualities that made up a knight. Ones that made him a good man.
Clarissa Fairchild – daughter of Jocelyn Fairchild and Valentine Morgenstern – had all those same qualities, paired together with youth and a lack of experience that Lancelot hadn’t had. Life back then hadn’t lent itself to innocence and naivete. But Clary…she was so very young, new to their world, and innocent in ways that Alec wasn’t sure he ever had been. Even before he’d remembered his past. She was also terrified, determined, and backed by yet another Knight – Elyon.
That was two more Knights brought back. Two more who now had a place in Alec's life. Gwaine, Leon, Lancelot, Elyon. All they were missing was Percival. Even Freya and Morgana were there. Plus himself, and then Arthur somewhere nearby. Ruling over his own section of New York like the King he was meant to be.
All of this wasn’t a coincidence. Something big was happening. Alec had no idea what, but Clary was the catalyst for it. She wasn’t the reason it was happening, but her presence meant that something was happening. Alec didn’t have to use his magic to see that. But what little magic he held was practically crawling inside of him in agreement.
That certainty only grew when Alec found out who it was that had blocked Clary’s memories, who it was they had to go to if they wanted to get her memories back. The one person he had wanted to avoid, and the one destiny had decided to throw right in his face.
Magnus Bane.