Chapter Text
Tommy shivered in the tree where he was sleeping. He wanted to make a fire but it was too risky. If someone saw the smoke, they would probably assume that he was nearby, and he couldn't have that. He needed to protect them. He needed to keep himself away.
He huddled further into himself, desperate for warmth. The wind nipped at his exposed face and every breath he took felt like there were icicles rattling around in his lungs. But he had to endure it.
Along with fires and blankets, he found himself wishing for the warmth of another person. But he couldn’t have that. Never again. He refused to be the reason someone got hurt. The image of Tubbo lying unconscious in the field was enough to strengthen his resolve every time he felt himself wanting to give in. His relaxed face almost looking peaceful if it weren't for the frighteningly pale shade his skin had gone.
Tommy screwed his eyes shut at the image, guilt rolling deep in his gut. He shook his head trying to rid himself of the feeling.
He instead looked up towards the sky, it was pretty tonight.
The moon was bright, its gentle silver light making Tommy feel a bit less alone.
He knew that if he went back, they would welcome him with open arms, but that was the problem, wasn’t it? He couldn’t just be let back. He needed to be detained.
Looking back, he realized that his escape plan in the cave never actually involved him actually escaping. Rather it was always about Tubbo. The contingency plans he had developed in the late nights were always impossible feats, or rather, the kind of things you could only do once.
But maybe this was for the best, he ended up hurting people anyways. He felt hot tears gather in the corner of his eyes. He didn’t hesitate and let them flow freely, knowing they would be the only source of warmth for the foreseeable future. They provided some temporary comfort even as they quickly cooled on his skin.
He wished he had more on him, a few extra hoodies or blankets, more food, anything really, but he had only grabbed the bare necessities. A hoodie and a spare shirt, along with a small hunting knife that he and Tubbo had found when they had first been assigned the room.
He remembered that day fondly. Phil had woken them up bright in the morning and told them that if they were just gonna share a bed that they would move them into a bigger room. They were given ten minutes to pack up all their things, which had taken far less and brought into the new one.
The first thing they had done was snuggle under the covers, still tired from a restless sleep after they had both awoken from a nightmare.
Once they had felt well rested they had gone through the dresser trying to make the look as full as possible when Tubbo had found the knife.
It was beautiful, with an ornately carved handle with a wicked blade that curved slightly outwards.
He looked at his reflection in its silver blade, the light of the moon making the shadows under his eyes more pronounced and his skin even paler than it already was.
That was all he had. There was no time to stop in the kitchens.
Since then, his food intake has dramatically decreased. He didn’t have any easy way to get food. His hands shook constantly now, only a slight tremble in comparison to what it had been, but he had finally stopped it.
Headaches had become a new constant in his life too.
Curse his stomach.
He stared up at the stars, wondering what kinds of stories they told, wondered how much they had seen and how much they would continue to see.
The wind howled around and, really, all he could think about was the way Dream’s Energy had felt inside of him. A wild, untameable spirit, free from every rule. Bound to the earth by nothing but its own accord.
He wished he could do the same, wished he could get that feeling again.
But never again. Never again would he give himself the opportunity to hurt anyone else. They didn’t deserve that.
It took about a week after the night in the tree for Tommy to give up.
The moon was high again, although its fullness had been slightly reduced.
He crept through the open door. He was here for food. As much as he didn’t think he should be around people, something inside of him demanded to live and who was he to refuse.
He had one goal in mind: the kitchens. He would grab anything he could. Fats and sugars were probably best, but he wouldn’t be picky.
Along the way, he felt a gentle pull, barely there, but there nonetheless.
He decided to follow it. He hadn’t been led astray by the pull yet.
When he realized where it was taking him, it was too late to turn back. He found himself back in the hallway of the room he and Tubbo had been assigned.
He paced outside the door, debating whether or not he should check on him before eventually deciding that, yes, he would.
He carefully opened the door and released tension he hadn’t even realized he had been holding when he saw Tubbo sleeping peacefully. His face was relaxed and open, looking far younger than he had ever seen him.
His brown hair was hanging in front of his eyes being gently pushed up with every soft breath he released.
Tommy slowly approached him and took a tentative seat on the edge of his bed. He wanted so badly to crawl into the bed next to him and hold him against his chest the way he had for so many nights. But he couldn’t, he refused, lest he lost control.
He felt the way that his Energy reached for Tubbo’s, but he held firm, knowing that if he didnt he wasn't sure he would be able to let go again.
He wanted so desperately too though, Tubbo’s Energy felt like home. Like the last piece of the puzzle being slotted into place after hours of work. His Energy felt like an extension of Tommy’s own, warm and full of life.
The tears came back and he knew that if he stayed any longer, he risked not being able to leave. Thus, without any further adieu, he gently jumped up from the bed and sped out of the room.
He made his way to the kitchen, trying to forget the image of his bonded looking so peaceful in his sleep. Instead, he focused on the fact that he hadn’t had a full meal in over a week and the food he did have wasn’t great and had barely filled him.
He found the kitchens easily and pulled out a loaf of bread, a few apples, and a jar of peanut butter.
He wouldn’t be able to hold any more, so after making sure it looked like he hadn’t been there, he headed back for the door.
He arrived at the surface and took a deep breath of the cool night air, loving the way the cold seemed to traverse through his body, making him feel revitalized.
“I hope you got enough food,” came a voice behind him.
Tommy jumped and the apples tumbled from his arms as he instinctually tightened his grip around the peanut butter.
“Is that all you got?” the voice said, sounding exasperated.
Tommy turned around and found himself face to face with a familiar figure.
“Techno,” he breathed, suddenly afraid for his cover, afraid for the residents of the haven.
“The one and only,” Techno said with a small smile tugging at his lips.
“So, are you gonna turn me in right away or are you gonna give me a monologue that’s just a tad over the top and give me time to run?” Tommy asked nervously, already shuffling away.
“Neither. Here’s what’s actually gonna happen. I was in a similar boat to you a few years back. I mean I was suddenly a lot stronger than I used to be and anger made it worse. I hurt Wilbur so many times and broke more plates than I can count. I thought that I needed to be kept away, and ended up hiding in a little cave by the cabin for a bit.
“Phil and Wilbur tried to get me to come home, but I knew that I shouldn’t. Eventually, it got too lonely. Too hard,” Techno paused, dipping his head and taking a deep breath.
When he met Tommy’s eyes again, Tommy noticed how his eyes had a far-away look. Tommy could tell that, while Techno was here in front of him, he was really deep in his memories.
“I came back to them one day, tired, cold, and hungry. So, so hungry. They, of course, welcomed me with open arms. Well, Wilbur’s opened around me and didn’t open again,” he said chuckling.
“The point is, though they didn’t care what I could do, they knew that I led them and that they loved me and that as all they needed to know. The rest could come later. And, it did. They were patient. They didn’t care that I kept breaking things or that I hurt them a few times. ‘Cause they knew I didn’t mean it. They would do the same for you, especially Tubbo. He knows that you don’t mean it,” he finished looking Tommy in his eyes.
Tommy took a step back, holding the jar closer to him. He needed to leave. The sweet tale Techno told him already ringing through his skull, its sweet melody sinking into his bones. He couldn’t stay. Didn’t Techno understand that they were different? That Tommy could take out hoards of people in the blink of an eye? Did he not see the power that flooded through his veins?
Did he not see how much of a monster he was?
Tears flooded his eyes as he shook his head. He couldn’t let the hope get through to him. If he did, someone would end up dead by his hand. If they hadn’t already, Tommy realized with a sickening jolt.
He remembered the day in the cave, the day in the forest. He had killed someone, hadn’t he? Multiple someone’s. He has to have killed someone. How didn’t he think of that before? Here he was, lying around in bed beginning his recovery, while someone lied beneath the ground, pushing up the daisies.
He tripped over his feet in his attempt to slowly get away and scrambled to his feet.
“Get away from me! I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Please,” he whispered the last part, his voice giving away to a pitiful whimper. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. He closed his eyes in an attempt to fight off the wave of sorrow that crashed though him.
“Tommy, I won’t force you to come back. I know how useless that would be, but just know that when you’re ready, that we’ll be waiting. Okay?” Techno’s says.
Tommy didn’t even give him an indication that he had heard him before he bolted.
He ran, following the path of ivy that had long since become his friend until he made it back to his tree.
He climbed up it carefully, going much slower than he would have liked, thanks to the peanut butter he held. He cursed Techno and the fact that he had dropped his bag.
When he made it up, he eagerly opened it, finding it to be half-empty.
This seemed to be the breaking point for him. He couldn’t help it when the sobs left his body. He tried to reign them in, knowing he didn’t deserve to feel this way. Not when he had killed someone. Not when he had caused someone pain and suffering. Not when he had hurt Tubbo or taken Dream’s wind as his own or scorched the ground without Sapnap’s permission. Not when he had caused Phil, Techno, and Wilbur to leave their home. He shouldn’t be crying over it. Not when he was the reason it had happened at all.
And yet, he cried anyways. He couldn’t tell you how long he cried. He didn’t know. At some point, he fell asleep. When he awoke, the sun was hitting his face. Its usual warm kiss had become a stark reminder of guilt. The sun saw through his soul and saw the crimes he had committed.
He quickly got down from his tree, not wanting to wallow in self-pity. He was about to head in the direction of the nearby river, when he stumbled.
He was ready to pick up another fallen stick and chuck it into the forest when he saw that it wasn’t a branch at all, but rather a large burlap sack. He cautiously opened it and found a thermos of something warm, a few apples, and a bottle of water. Just as he was about to crack open the lid of the thermos, a note fluttered from the handle of it.
Here’s some food to get you by. Come home soon, we all miss you
XO Phil.
Tommy scoffed at the little XO before he realized that he had been found. They knew where he lived. ‘Lived’ was maybe a strong word. Still, they knew where he slept. He should move before they tried anything. He was at the base of the tree, ready to climb up the first branch, when he realized that Phil could probably find him with his Pathfinding Energy. He remembered the thin gold threads that he had seen when Phil had tried to teach him.
So, it was too late. They already knew where he was. He wondered if he could block it somehow. He didn’t know how any of it worked and he wasn’t about to release his Energy to try. So, he supposed he would have to deal with that.
He sighed and climbed up quickly to stash the bag with the food high up. When he got to the top, he noticed that he was slightly out of breath. That probably wasn’t a good sign. But, he didn’t have much of a chance for food out here.
He shrugged it off and went to the river.
He was looking for some plants he knew he could eat. The ones in the forest were too much of a gamble because they all resembled each other. But river plants tended to look much more different.
So far, he had only been able to find small patches of plants but he hadn’t gone very far up the river bed. Hopefully, today that would change.
It didn’t. He returned to his tree empty-handed, not that he was too surprised. While he didn’t know where he was geographically, he knew that he had travelled quite far from the rivers he was familiar with.
That being said, that was one of his only plans for food. Although, he supposed he could steal from the haven. But he didn’t want to get caught again.
He was busy debating his options when his stomach rumbled. Right, he needed to eat.
He glanced towards the bag, debating whether it was worth it to eat whatever was inside of the thermos. After only a moment’s hesitation, he cracked open the lid, closing his eyes taking in the sweet scent of tomato soup. He checked inside and found what he assumed was about a bowl’s worth. He didn’t hesitate and gulped down half of it in one go. He regretted it immediately, but he resolved to make the second half last a lot longer.
He twisted the cap back on, making sure it was screwed tight, before settling in for the night. The sun was still up though it wouldbt be for much longer, the night was fast approaching. but he had decided that trying to get anything done past a certain time was useless.
If he could get to sleep before the cold settled in, he wouldn’t feel it as much. It was better to sleep early.
When he woke up the next day, he decided to spend the day slowly sipping at the soup. He didn’t know how long it would keep and he didn’t want it to go bad.
He winced as he took the first sip. It had already soured a bit. It would be fine, it just wouldn’t be very pleasant.
He decided that day that he would make a fire. They already knew where he was. A fire wouldn’t give anything away now. He went around collecting sticks, finding a good combination of smaller and larger sticks.
He arranged them in the way he always had when he realized a problem. He didn’t have matches or a lighter. He usually made sure to always carry one on him, but being kidnapped didn’t exactly leave him with that option.
He sat by the pile of sticks he had arranged his hand subconsciously twisting the manacle around his wrist.
He jumped slightly when he realized what he had been doing. He paused for a moment, wondering if he could start a fire.
He could call the elements to him, fire included. It would be weaker though, he remembered. But that was probably for the best. He didn’t have a fire, but he had rocks. If he could latch onto a spark, he might be able to make it into a fire.
But he didn’t know if he could control it.
But the fire sounded so nice.
The two sides of him warred on before a particularly cold gust of wind blew through his little clearing. He shivered and his resolve shattered.
He needed warmth.
He shoved his hand into his pocket, looking for the key he knew was in there. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the familiar metal against his palm.
He stuck the lock in the keyhole before he realized what he was doing. He snapped it away from the hole and tossed the key against the tree, scrambling back as if it had burned him.
How had he been so weak? If he used his Energy once, he would be willing to use it again and again until, eventually, someone got hurt. Like Tubbo.
He gave an angry shout and pulled his knees against his chest. This is exactly the kind of behaviour that had gotten Tubbo hurt last time! How was he about to make the same mistake?
He wasn’t about to let it happen.
Never again. Never again.
With that in mind, he slowly made his way to the key and picked it up. He was tempted to chuck it into the forest and make sure he never found it again, but he was too much of a coward, so he just pocketed it again.
He paced around the tree, wondering how he would be able to start fire out here.
Maybe, maybe, he could sneak back into the haven and steal food. He really shouldn't, but it was either or starve to death. He would make sure to stay out of everyone's way. He couldn't risk being caught.
He steeled his resolve as he made his decision. He had to, he hated that tis is what it had come down to, but he didn't have a choice.
So when the sun sank low, rather than go to bed like he usually would, he instead opened the water bottle and raised it to the last dying rays of sunshine and hoped for a safe night.
When he deemed the moon high enough to go stealing, he got down from his tree at his usual pace.
When he approached the haven, he slowed down and made his way, trying to be quieter.
He got through the door, his eyes constantly scanning the dark halls in front of him. His ears didn’t miss even the slightest creak in the floorboards.
He made his way to the kitchens and opened the fridge. He pulled out the burlap sack he had been given and started shoving everything he could in there. Techno knew what he was doing, so hopefully he would stop anyone from stopping him.
He didn’t know when he had started to trust Techno so much, especially after he had tackled him the first time around.
He looked at his haul, double-checking that he hadn’t pulled any cans or anything perishable and left.
On his way back, he took a detour to Tubbo’s room to check on him. He frowned when he saw that the door was partially open. He peeped in slowly and saw that the bed was empty.
He frowned before he continued down the hall. A little later, he heard voices coming from what he recognized as the meeting room from his brief tour of the haven. He then realized who could feel faintly in his mind. He must be in there.
“This isn’t up for debate. We need to go soon,” came Techno’s voice, sounding frustrated.
“I understand, but we still need to learn more about Cerulea before we go and just open up the portal all willy-nilly,” said Phil.
“Plus, we need the kid,” came an unfamiliar voice.
“I told you for the last time, Henrich, we are not dragging a poor traumatized kid out of hiding only to put him in danger,” Phil said firmly.
“But the legends say we need someone with Raw Energy to open it,” said the other voice again, Henrich presumably.
“Absolutely not,” Wilbur shouted. “That kid has done nothing but sacrifice himself for so long. He needs time right now, well really, he needs us, but he hasn’t realized that yet. But you are absolutely not making him do anything.
“Besides, didn’t the legends say that he who opens the portal will face grave danger on the other side? He might die if he does this, we can’t ask him to go through that again .”
“The portal is collapsing. We have maybe a month before it starts destroying both worlds. We need to act fast, and if he dies he dies a hero, saviour of two worlds, a death in honour of our ancestors,” Henrich said urgently.
“Oh, you bas-,” Wilbur started.
“We need to start thinking about other options if time is so sensitive. We can’t just have it all hinging on a teenager,” Phil cut in placatingly.
“You don’t understand, do you? As a Pathfinder, I thought you would’ve listened to reason. I can feel it. Their souls, his soul, are connected to the portal. Their fates are intertwined,” Henrich yelled.
“I don’t think Fate is all that reliable. Besides, if he’s out there we can’t waste time looking for him,” said a new voice, female this time. It had a light accent of some sort but Tommy couldn’t tell from where.
“We need him Niki, you saw the same thing I did, you know it better than anyone in this room,” Henrich said tightly.
“What we need is to get ready. If your calculations are right, we need to leave this week, and we need to do research before we go,” Phil said.
The group murmured in agreement aside from Henrich, who grumbled angrily.
Tommy quickly ran down the hall knowing something, the end, was near for him. But until then, he would make sure it was a hell of a ride. And he would be a hero. Maybe he would be forgotten, but at least what he did would matter.
He would keep an ear out on when they were moving out. He would follow them, a silent stowaway. He would do whatever needed to be done, he would live up to whatever cruel fate life had in store. He would try to live, he would try to come out the other side.
But if he didnt, well, no one would miss him anyways.