Chapter Text
SATURDAY ( Day twenty)
James spent the last few days pretending that there wasn't a giant dark void inside his chest.
It went better than he thought it would, but then it wasn't like anyone really cared anymore.
He and Sirius didn't really talk about what happened, but Sirius kept close to James, always staying near him, touching him more than was necessary.
It made James feel both better and worse.
Being near him was natural, easy as breathing. James could almost close his eyes and pretend like the events of the last few weeks didn’t happen if he tried hard enough. Could almost feel himself pressing back into the touch, letting himself melt into Sirius’ side whenever he came close and threw his arm around him.
But anytime he thought about that moment, it left a strong acid taste in his mouth, similar to the badly brewed potion he accidentally drank in his third year.
“What are you thinking so hard about, huh?”
Sirius leans into James' side, his fingers trailing lightly across James' forearm.
He’s always been doing that. Touching, invading his space, hiding his smile in the curve of James’ shoulder. But there was something different about it recently, each touch of his fingers lingering for longer than they used to on James’ skin. It makes James' head spin dangerously.
“...Nothing,” James shakes his head, his eyes zeroed in on the textbook in his hands.
“Really? Because I’m pretty sure you haven’t turned a page in the last ten minutes.”
“That’s not-” James colours, realising it was, in fact, true, “ Whatever. Like you can talk. You’ve just been watching me instead of doing your own homework.”
“It’s not my fault you’re so pretty.”
James almost chokes and quickly tries to hide it behind a cough, his cheeks flaming.
“Stop teasing,” he says weakly, because that’s all there is. All that it will ever be. “ Pretty sure anything is more interesting than homework to you, Padfoot.”
Sirius shrugs, looking oddly pleased. He looks down at their hands, his fingers slowly trailing up James' arm, leaving fire in their wake.
James swallows heavily as Sirius looks up through his eyelashes, eyes dark and inviting.
James knows he should move away, before he does something stupid like kiss him again, but all his thoughts stop as Sirius leans a bit closer -
There’re sudden loud noises from the hallway and Sirius groans, falling back next to James on the bed and putting back the distance between them that should have been there all along.
“Idiots , I swear to Merlin we’re friends with idiots,”
A second later the door to their dorm room opens and Peter comes in, carrying a pile of sweets in his hands. He freezes almost comically when he sees them, the expression on his face twisting into guilt as his gaze falls on Sirius.
“Sorry, Padfoot, I forgot that- “
“Yeah, I can see that, Pete, ” Sirius says and he sounds almost bitter, “One would think I’m asking you to take down a troll instead of just minding your own business and staying out of a dorm for a few hours.”
“Right,” Peter nods, pouting.
He looks a little lost for a moment then his face brightens as he holds up the sweets, “At least I’ve got this? I met that house elf we saved in the Forbidden Forest and she insisted I have to take this. Wanna share?”
James coughs a little, the flush on his face finally disappearing.
“Sounds good, Pete.”
Absently he licks his lips and misses the way Sirius’ eyes follow the motion.
MONDAY ( Day twenty-two)
“Are you looking forward to the next match, James?” Lily asks, smiling brightly as their little group walks down the corridor to their next class. James guesses she stopped using his surname to make it look like they're actually getting along.
“Lily,”Remus gasps and presses a hand to his chest in an overly theatrical show of horror, “ You broke the First Rule. Never ask Prongs about Quidditch. If you do he won't stop talking about it.”
He sounds teasing, his lips pulled into a smile and James triest to pretend that’s all that it is, just a joke.
Lily scoffs, “Let your friend talk, Remus.”
Her bright green eyes turn to him, waiting for his answer even as Peter and Sirius chuckle at Remus' over the top reaction. James doesn't get how she is so good at acting like she cares what he has to say.
“Here it comes,” Peter snickers as James opens his mouth.
James forces down his answer, plasting on a smile.
He never really minded their teasing before. But then, he never knew they were serious about it. Not until the spell opened his eyes.
“Yeah,” he says simply, “It should be a good game. Ravenclaw has a great team this year.”
Peter eyes him expectantly, like he fully expects him to go off for another five minutes, but James stays silent. He ignores Sirius' raised eyebrow or Remus' confused glance in his direction or the way Peter blinks rapidly with a puzzled look. Instead he changes the subject.
“I heard Flitwick is going to hand out a surprise quiz today.”
Sirius grimaces. Lily bites her lip in thought and Peter groans, his whole frame deflating, “ Great. I knew I should have studied yesterday instead of going with you guys to the kitchens.”
“You were the one who initiated the whole thing! “ Remus bickers back, because of course he does and Lily laughs at his agitated expression.
And just like that, the previous conversation is forgotten.
THURSDAY ( Day twenty-five)
“What do you think, Prongs?” Peter asks and James almost flinches in surprise. He wasn’t expecting anyone would want his opinion so he stopped listening half-way through their conversation.
“ About what?”
“The prank,” Peter rolls his eyes, “With the Giant Squid.”
Remus brows furrow, “You know, the one we’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes.”
“Sorry,” James says sheepishly, hand scratching at his neck, “I got a little bit lost in my own thoughts. It’s a great plan.”
‘Whatever’ Remus’ voice sounds clear in his head, ‘ it’s not like anyone really cares anyways. We just need his help with the prank. It’s a bummer but it’s too big to pull it off in just three people.’
Even when he should be already used to it, the comment still hurts.
“Alright , that's it,” Sirius growls, his arm darting out to grab at James' wrist. James startles, but Sirius is already dragging him away from their wide-eyed friends and into the nearest empty classroom.
Sirius lets him go once they're inside, but stays with his back towards the door.
Blocking the exit , James realises, damn it why does Sirius know me so well?
“What the hell, Sirius? Charms start in a few minutes!”
Sirius shakes his head, unimpressed. James can clearly see the tension in the line of his shoulders, “Flitwick can wait.”
“But what-”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Prongs, you know what this is about.” Sirius’ eyes meet his, lips pulled into a thin line.
James swallows drily.
Was this it then? Was this the moment he’ll finally be left alone?
He knew it would come soon, but doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Sirius crosses his arms, “I've tried giving you space, I really did, but this has gone on long enough. We've all noticed you’ve been acting weird and you barely even sleep now, barely eat,” his voice is pained, eyes desperate and James doesn’t understand why, “You don't even smile anymore. In fact, I'm not sure I’ve even seen you smile once in the last week!”
“I smile all the time,” James defends, something heavy curling in his chest.
“Yeah, maybe, but it's fucking fake. It's not your real smile.”
‘I should have realised sooner how fake you are. ’
James winces as he hears the words in his head and Sirius' eyes narrow. He accusingly points his finger, “That! That exact face. One moment things are fine and the next you look like that .”
James' whole body starts to tremble.
“I'm trying, all right? I’m trying to change it but it’s not easy -”
“Change? Why the hell - what are you talking about?”
“Don't play dumb either, Sirius, you know exactly what I'm talking about.”
“No, no I don't.”
Right, James sighs. Sirius doesn't know that he knows. He's too good to say what he only thought straight to James' face.
“Look, I just... I know I haven't really..” James licks his lips, throat dry, “ Haven't really been the friend that you deserve, but if you could wait, just a little bit longer, if you could give me just a little bit more time, I can - I can try, okay?”
He's aware, distantly, that he must sound a little crazy.
His hands are shaking even more than his voice and he feels like he can't breath properly but he has to get through this. Sirius deserves to know the truth.
For some reason though, Sirius doesn't look too happy with his admission. Instead his brows are furrowed.
“Try what, James?”
James swallows, the sound too loud to his own ears.
There's no point in pretending anymore.
“To not be myself.”
Sirius stills.
“I've been getting better at it, ” James continues quickly, “ and I'll try to push the feelings I have for you away, I will. I promise. I know it's not enough but -”
Sirius pushes him into the wall and James doesn’t try to fight back, letting himself fall until his back collides with the stone behind him. He barely manages to blink before Sirius is crowding into his space, eyes narrowed with anger.
“The hell?” Sirius hisses, his fingers clenching at James' shoulders almost painfully, fisting in the material of his robes, “ What are you talking about?”
James pushes past the lump in his throat, and looks away, eyes stinging with tears he's afraid will fall any second, “I’m sorry, I know you tried to like me but it's too hard. I don't blame you. I wouldn't exactly be a fan of myself either.”
Sirius' grip on him tightens, “No , what the hell? Why are you saying all this? Who made you believe this?”
A stray tear makes its way down his face and James hastily wipes it away, but Sirius still notices. James uses his stunned expression to sneak out of Sirius' grip, moving away from the wall and putting some distance between them.
He notices Sirius opening his mouth so he quickly interrupts before he can get a word out.
“It's really okay I get it. You don't have to pretend to like me like that.”
Sirius pales even as the anger in his eyes burns brighter, “Pretend ? What the fuck James?”
A laugh falls out of James' mouth, wet and choked.
He's really gonna make him say it?
“I know what you were thinking when we kissed,” he admits and hopes that's enough of an explanation, but for some reason Sirius looks ever more confused now, his frown fading away to a puzzled expression.
“I don't get -”
James takes a deeper breath to try and steel himself.
“Remember how I was late into class a while back and I told you I ran into Snape?”
Sirius nods slowly and a puzzled expression crosses his face.
“Well, the truth is he managed to hex me with a spell that makes me hear what people really think about me. I guess it's some dark magic curse, because I wasn't able to find any mention of it anywhere.”
Sirius' whole face clouds faster than a sky on a stormy night, his hands balling into fists. The anger in his eyes is now bigger than an inferno and James is silently glad it's not directed at him. He's pretty sure there's no force that could stop Sirius when he has that look on his face.
“I'm going to kill that fucker.”
It's...not the reaction James expected.
What he thought would happen was embarrassment, more pity, maybe a weak denial.
But, it sort of makes sense.
James knows Sirius likes him as a friend, hell, likes him enough to not shove him away in disgust when James kissed him. He probably wants to spare James' feelings some more by dealing with Snivellus first.
He's always been stupidly considerate and protective when it came to James.
James should be glad Sirius still even wants to stay friends after what happened, he should, but it's heart when he can physically feel his heart breaking.
“Don't,” James grabs at his arm just as Sirius turns towards the door, stopping him in his tracks,“ He's not worth it.”
Sirius stills, body tense as he turns his head to look back at James.
There's a deep line between his brows, his lips turned almost into a snarl, but he doesn't shake James' hand off, which James concludes counts as a win.
He suppresses a relieved sigh.
Even though he would have liked to see Snivellus cursed or with a broken nose, he doesn't want Sirius to get in trouble for it.
Besides, there's one more thing he can't stop thinking about. Something that has been on his mind for a while. Something that he's unable to hold in any longer. The true reason he hasn't seeked Snivellus out and demanded he gets rid of the curse immediately.
“It's not his fault no one likes me.”
There is only utter silence for a few seconds.
Then, it's as if something in Sirius finally snaps.
He whirls around, invading James' space once again as he steps closer. James stares as Sirius' eyes fly across his face as if searching for something, frowning heavily.
“Tell me you don't believe that.”
James stays silent. His heart beats heavily in his throat.
“Are you crazy?! You think no one wants you around? That no one likes you? Not even your team? Or the Marauders?”
At James' silence, Sirius lets out a frustrated breath, “Not even me? You think I don't like you?”
At this James hesitates. Averts his eyes, “Don't make me say it.”
“Do you think I like you or not?” Sirius presses, eyes intense.
“You like me,” James says after a moment, steadily avoiding Sirius' gaze, “... just not in all the ways I want you to.”
“ What?”
“You know what.”
“No! I don't! Stop saying I do, I have no idea what's going on and it's making me go crazy. I thought we were good.”
James looks up, his heart constricting painfully as his eyes fall onto Sirius' frustrated expression.
“James, please. Talk to me.”
James closes his eyes for a second, taking a breath, then forces himself to face the situation head on, because he's still a Gryffindor and has no sense of self preservation.
“I know you only kissed me back out of pity,” James forces out, each word tasting like ash and making his eyes wet with tears that he tries to blink away. Saying out loud makes him feel even more pathetic than before.
Sirius looks shocked for a second, more stunned than James has ever seen him.
James watches as the expressions on his face change, emotions battling across his face for a moment before it hardens with resolve.
“James,” Sirius says urgently as he leans in closer, eyes so intense it's hard to look away, “ I worship the fucking ground you walk on. Everyone knows that. “
James' heart stops, then starts again at double speed, thumping almost painfully.
He wets his lips and watches as Sirius' eyes follow the movement before returning to his eyes. He doesn't dare to hope. Doesn't dare because if he's wrong -
“What?” he lets out, quiet and stunned and a little broken.
The voice in his head stays quiet, but feels a distant pressure in his mind, like a rubber band stretching wider and wider.
A hand trails across his face, soft fingers cupping his cheek, gently stroking the skin there. James watches with wide eyes and bated breath as Sirius leans closer, grey eyes boring into brown.
“When you kissed me in that corridor, I was pretty sure I died, because there was no way that this was the reality,” Sirius shakes his head a little, a disbelieving smile stretching across his lips, “ How could something I’ve been dreaming about for years actually happen? It didn’t feel real.”
“Sirius, don’t -”
“I’m not lying, James. Whatever hex Snape put on you, it sure as hell wasn't mind reading. Because if it was, you would know how much I love your smile, and your stupid ruffled hair and the way you are stupidly kind, even if you try to hide it.”
“And you would know,” Sirius continues, moving so close that their breaths mingle, his voice trembling a little, “that I can't think about anything else but kissing you whenever you get this close.”
The corners of Sirius' lips pull up into a smile so fond it makes James' heart squeeze.
“You know, ever since that day on Hogwarts Express I knew I would follow you anywhere. It took me a while to realise my heart already did.”
Inside James' mind, something breaks. A dull pain spreads in his head as the hex snaps, falling into hundreds of pieces.
James feels it distantly, not really caring as he surges forward, grabs Sirius by the nape and kisses him on the lips.
When they part, James is sure the smile Sirius sends him must be brighter than the Sun. He mirrors it with his own giddy grin before he’s pulled in for another kiss.
It’s not a suprise to say they don't make it to Charms that day.
And if the next day a group of Gryffindors anonymously reports a certain greasy-haired wizard to the Ministry for the use of Dark magic, well, no one can really prove that, can they?